Parallel
by Nightingale N7
Summary: "He recognized that, the small tick, the first time he saw it. He knew the incomprehensible urge to maintain the armory. That occasional backtalk, the half-annoyed, half-amused sarcasm. For all that had happened, all that she'd been through, she was still Ash. A darker, snappier version, but still Ash. And she belonged to Cerberus." Very AU. ME2 complete as of chapter 54!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N** **: Before y'all read any further, this is going to be AU. Very, very, very AU. For one (obviously) Ashley and Kaidan both survive Virmire (because I said so :P) because it's the whole basis for this fic. This is going to get more and more AU as it goes on, and will span both ME2 and ME3, and maybe post-war if I'm feeling nice when we get there. ;)**

 **DISCLAIMER** **: I don't own Mass Effect or any of the characters within, not unless they've been explicitly stated as OCs of my own creation.**

 **Thanks for reading guys, and I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

 _Mission Report, I.E. "Project Lazarus"_

 _Sender: Lawson, M._

 _Recipient: ERROR [Data Not Found]_

 _Summary: Remarkable Progress_

 _ **Subject One:**_ Gunnery Chief Ashley M. Williams, Systems Alliance. Current Posting: N/A. Birth date — 14.04.2158

- _Teams discovered body beneath rubble of science lab, moved to basement and extracted_

 _-Clear evidence of the resulting nuclear explosion (radiation suits required for retrieval)_

 _-Subject showed advanced signs of radiation poisoning and burns not classifiable by the usual scale_

 _-Brain surprisingly intact and organs capable of basic, simulated functions such as digestion of soft foods_

 **Current Status:** Ready for activation and minor motor activities, highly recommend control chip at base of skull and possible "pass-coding" for later use, if necessary. Reports indicate a hot-tempered, insubordinate with surprisingly high scores in files, with hints towards xenophobia and general mistrust. Strongly recommended for neural wiping, but retaining to make second subject more compliant.

 _ **Subject Two:**_ Lieutenant-Commander Kyler A. Shepard, Systems Alliance and Council Spectre. Current Posting: N/A. Birth date — 11.04.2154

 _-Body recovered from Liara T'soni_

 _-Little to say on the body's condition at retrieval; in the condition of anything to fall through an atmosphere_

 _-N7 suit, mainly helmet, responsible for possible reconstruction capabilities, as brain is almost fully functional_

 _-Cybernetics required for complete reconstruction_

 **Current Status:** Reconstruction nearly complete, but subject is not ready to be awakened. Control chip still recommended, can be added as soon as possible if desired. Data suggests subject is a patient, traditionalist sort of man, with beyond exceptional scores in Alliance records (completed N6 training to advance to rank of N7) and is a Spectre. Neural wiping not required, but permission is requested to make subject more receptive to organization.

* * *

"Down the hall, to your left!"

His feet carried him as fast as humanly possible, running and weaving through a building that was eerily familiar, and yet alien to his eyes. The last thing he remembered was watching his ship get destroyed, but there he was, running through a facility that was apparently dedicated to bringing him and another subject back to life. Whomever the woman over the intercom was, she seemed to be desperate to save them both.

"There!" He skidded to a halt, dropping into a defensive crouch. "I can open the door from here, Commander, but please be cautious. Subject one is...in a far more delicate state than yourself."

"Whatever that means," he grumbled to himself, shoulder braced against the wall. In his hand, Shepard heard the all-too familiar click of a thermal clip snapping into place, and felt the familiar thrum of the handgun rapidly heating up and cooling down.

As soon as the doors hissed open, he leapt to his feet, holding his weapon out ahead of him as he was trained to do. Instantly, the Commander was greeted by more gunfire and mechanical voices muttering things about "acquired target" and "hostiles detected."

Shepard dove behind a research table, and not a moment too soon. Overhead, beakers and test tubes were shattered by flying bullets. When the gunfire paused, he stood, sighted, and pulled the trigger of his pistol. A mech's head exploded in a shower of sparks, but before he could get off another shot, bullets began flying again, and he ducked back down.

Somewhere in the room, there was a faint sound of electronic beeping and whirring, and the common sound of pressurized doors opening. He took a few breaths, simply listening as the mechs turned their weapons on the source of the noise, but out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of someone in a _Cerberus uniform_ sneaking up to him. That someone was clearly a woman, had no shot in hell of being anything other than a human, and currently had her rifle leveled at his chest.

 _Crack._ The muzzle flashed as she pulled the trigger, shot a mech he didn't even know was behind him until he heard it hit the floor.

Unfortunately for him, or them, her shot drew the mechs' attention back to the front of the room, and the bullets bombarded them now with renewed vigor. The Cerberus agent was on her feet the same instant, pelting the machines with bullets of her own.

After coming to his senses, Shepard popped out of cover and dropped two of the five remaining mechs, straightening once they were all dead. Beside him, the Cerberus agent was now aiming her gun directly at him, and without hesitation, he turned on her as well. For several, agonizingly long minutes, all they did was stare at each other. He waited for the voice on the intercom to tell him who, exactly, he was looking for, and who he was preparing himself to shoot, but nothing was said.

Slowly, carefully, he released his two-handed grip on the sidearm and placed it at his hip, holding his hands up in what he hoped was a placating gesture. "We need to get off this station."

That seemed to work; the woman relaxed almost as soon as the words left his mouth. "Follow me."

Shepard made a motion with his hands in acceptance, and the Cerberus woman headed for the door. For a while, they simply jogged in silence, him following and her leading. Wherever she was going, she seemed to have a better understanding than he did, and while he wanted to stop to check for survivors, she merely kept going, ignoring his protests. Shepard's previous guide came over the intercom one last time to tell them to get to the shuttles in the docking bay, but the message was full of static and broken up so poorly he barely made it out.

"Wait," he snapped, grabbing her shoulder.

He was greeted with a sharp crack off his own shoulder, coming from the butt of her rifle connecting with his suit. He yanked his arm back, scowling. "We keep moving."

"It sounded like the mechs—"

She cut him off. "Lawson can take care of herself." Even through that blackened visor, Shepard could feel the glare he was getting. "We keep moving," she repeated.

Shepard sighed and shook his head. "After you, then."

The woman turned on her heel and continued leading him through the facility, which he was now assuming belonged to Cerberus, the fanatical pro-human organization that every Alliance soldier was trained to despise. They were little more than terrorists, terrorists that claimed to support human rights among the galaxy's other inhabitants, but simply used that as an excuse to murder innocents, alien _and_ human. Shepard, like every Alliance soldier, hated Cerberus with a passion, and regarded anyone who joined as a weak, spineless coward. He'd foiled plenty of their plots while hunting down Saren, so why was he here now? What did Cerberus want from him?

Briefly, he considered shooting himself before they could get whatever it was they revived him for. Better to die loyal than to die a traitor, right?

Instead, he just followed the soldier ahead of him. He could say anything he wanted about Cerberus, but they _trained_ their men. All the operatives he'd fought knew what they were doing, just as his new "friend" clearly was. Many Cerberus agents had been past Alliance soldiers, and in turn, those men trained the people who joined out of simple xenophobia. It was rather effective for them.

"The docking bay is just through those doors."

Shepard stopped running to join her, frowning slightly as she pulled her rifle off her back. "You expecting trouble?"

"Yes. Someone had to activate the mechs."

"And let me guess, you know who did it?"

"Yes."

"How do you know that?"

"I was assigned to monitor the staff and crew of the station." Another straightforward, simple answer, in a very monotonous voice coming out of what sounded like a radio. Her helmet was probably designed to conceal her identity, not just to protect her head. "Had I not been instructed to return to my room, the man responsible would be dead and we would already be off this station."

"You were instructed to go back? Why didn't you just kill him?"

"Operative Lawson requested I return to escort you to the docking bay."

"No, she told _me_ to go find _you._ " The woman stared at him, unmoving, and he sighed again. "You _are_ subject one, right? The first body that was recovered for reconstruction?"

"Yes."

"Do you know why Cerberus is doing this?"

"Yes."

"Will you tell me?"

"No."

He groaned. "Why—"

"We need to evacuate."

Before Shepard could reply, she was hitting the lock for the door. As soon as it opened, the sound of gunfire reached the Commander's ears, but it wasn't from them. Someone else was shooting at the mechs, and the mechs were shooting at them.

Shepard drew his gun, but before he could even get through the door, his company was already hopping the railing beside the stairs, and running up the platform. By the time he managed to join them, he could hear her assault rifle going off, along with the sounds of handguns firing, and shouting. He only got to drop a single mech, but when he did, her gun turned on the two men standing by the doors on the far end of the platform. They both aimed their handguns at her, but one of the two men seemed somewhat reluctant about it. Needless to say, Shepard wasn't exactly sure who was friend or foe, but the woman had helped get him this far, and the two men staring her down were blocking their only escape route. At this point, she was probably the person he could trust the most...but that didn't mean he necessarily trusted her enough to turn his back on her.

"Drop the gun!" The nervous one, darker skinned and closely cropped hair.

Even from where he was standing, he could tell she wasn't listening to any of them. "Orders?" There was a pause. For a single second, Shepard was sure he'd be able to hear a pin drop. Then something in her changed. Maybe a small little shift of her rifle, or of her feet, but whatever it was, Shepard recognized that little tick.

There was a strange sense of finality when she pulled the trigger. The first to fall was the balding man on the left, but when she turned on the man to the right, there was some clear hesitation. He didn't fire on her, and she didn't fire on him, but before either of them had a chance to act, the doors to the shuttle opened. Shepard, half expecting more mechs, turned his gun on the noise, as did the others.

As it turned out, it was only yet _another_ Cerberus agent, their logo stamped onto her... Shepard blinked, cleared his throat. She was a little skinny, wasn't she?

"Miranda?" The guy.

"Wilson's taken care of?" The new woman, ignoring the man.

Shepard knew that voice; it belonged to the woman who had gotten him out of his room, and helped get him halfway across the station for the helmeted nutcase on his left.

"Yes, ma'am."

Her eyes flicked to Shepard briefly, and she seemed to decide something right then and there, nodding to herself. "Then let's get off this station."

Guns were holstered all around, including his own, but he still didn't budge. "I'm not going anywhere with any of you until I know what's going on."

The dark-haired woman sighed, pinched the bridge of her nose. "We don't have time for this, Commander. The—"

"I'm _not_ going anywhere with Cerberus," he snarled. "Not unless I get answers, and if you don't want to answer my questions, then I'll just stay here."

"We'll be able to answer any questions you might have on the shuttle," she said.

"I'm not getting on that damn thing."

Another sigh. "If we go through proper introductions first, will that satisfy you?" He didn't like the way she said "proper introductions," but he nodded anyway. "Fine. I'm Miranda Lawson, head of the Lazarus Project, and that's Jacob Taylor, ex-Alliance."

"Getting too friendly with the aliens for your comfort?" Shepard asked the indicated man, a hint of sarcasm entering his voice.

"No. Too much sitting on your ass and not enough acting."

He blinked. That hadn't been the answer he was expecting, but it was a damn good one, one he could even agree with. He nodded, eyes shifting ever so slightly to the last of the three Cerberus agents. "And you?"

"Project details will be saved for the shuttle," Miranda said.

"That's a project detail?"

"While more work went into rebuilding you, Commander, Cerberus has more money invested in the original subject for...obvious reasons."

He snorted, eyes flicking between the two of them. "Yeah, sounds like you cut out the human part of being human." The look he got in response was priceless, but he started for the shuttle without another word.

"The Illusive Man has given me orders," the woman said, swaying slightly. Her hand was hovering near the sidearm she never pulled, and Jacob was giving her a dangerous look. "Wilson wasn't working alone."

Miranda took one look at the two of them, then pulled her own gun, and it was quickly aimed at the third party member. Jacob's gun was drawn at the same instant. Quickly enough, the three of them were pointing guns at each other, and Shepard just wanted to leave them here, take the shuttle, and get back to Alliance space.

"For fucks sake!" he exclaimed. "Can we just get out of here already?"

"He has a right to know, Miranda."

"Jacob!" she snapped. There was a threatening edge to her voice, coating her words so thickly it was impossible to miss. "Save it for later!"

"No," Shepard interrupted.

"The shuttle," Miranda hissed, giving them both a dark look. "I'll explain everything _on the shuttle._ " Shepard narrowed his eyes, but made another helpless motion with his hands, and simply started for the shuttle again, leaving the three of them to sort out their issues on their own. Whatever happened, it wasn't going to be because of him. If someone got shot, he wouldn't care. They were Cerberus, and Cerberus, whomever they were, ex-Alliance or not, deserved to die.

He'd gladly kill the three of them if it meant he could get off this station any faster.


	2. Chapter 2

"Commander, Operative Lawson is requesting your presence in the med bay."

At the sound of the AI's voice, Shepard wanted to groan. It had been a long day to begin with, having to command a mission through a deserted human colony, finding out that it's become _normal_ for entire human colonies to disappear, and seeing Tali'Zorah again, only to find out she wouldn't help him because her work with the quarian fleet was too important. He'd been shot multiple times, thankfully escaping with only a couple bruises, and spoke with the Illusive Man twice to learn just about nothing whatsoever as to why Cerberus had him. The Illusive Man claimed it was to stop whomever was abducting the colonies, and now that they knew it was the Collectors, an illusive race that lived beyond an impassible relay, it was time for Shepard to either get out, or get to work.

Anyone who knew anything about Shepard knew he wouldn't be able to walk away from a task like that. If the Alliance wasn't going to do anything about it, then he would. Working with Cerberus was just the easiest way to go about doing so.

After all, they gave him a ship. The _Normandy_ SR-2, an Alliance-based frigate nearly double the size of the original. As much as he'd wanted sleep when they first boarded, a course for Omega was in order, and so was touring the new ship. All in all, it was damn fine, and Shepard wondered how Cerberus managed to afford bringing him back from the dead, bringing that freak of a woman back from the dead, _and_ constructing such a massive ship.

But, he wasn't going to complain. A good ship, a crew he could trust (mostly) and all the resources he wanted? Definitely no complaints from him. And all for him working against the Collectors.

"Commander—"

"I'm _going_ ," he grumbled. "Next time, EDI, tell her she can shove it."

The resounding pause in his cabin told him EDI, the Enhanced Defense Intelligence AI that had been installed on the Normandy, wasn't sure how to reply to that. Then again, he assumed it was probably unfair to speak to a computer like that. He doubted EDI understood what he meant, but if she repeated it to Miranda, it would be worth it solely because _Miranda_ would get it.

Shepard threw his legs over the side of the couch and got to his feet, stretching. His muscles were stiff, and despite having nearly passed out the instant he collapsed there, he didn't feel any better. His ribs ached, his chest ached, his head ached, everything hurt. Maybe that was a side effect of being dead for two damn years. Or maybe that was a result of all the cybernetics he still wasn't used to. Just thinking of them made him involuntarily reach to scratch the back of his neck, a spot he was sure was home to some implant of some sort. Probably restoring his brain to his spine, or some other weird shit he didn't understand.

On the wall by the elevator was a Cerberus symbol, that strange logo he had already come to hate in the last four hours. It was like the builders had been instructed to paint that thing everywhere; it made Shepard resent Cerberus even more, and hate the fact that neither the Alliance or the Council was doing anything about the missing colonies. _Entire_ colonies were being taken by the Collectors, but since they were human, they were second-rate to the alien-owned Council, and like Jacob said before, the Alliance was too much politics and not enough action. Shepard would rather be anywhere, working with _anyone_ else, than be working with the Illusive Man and his bunch of terrorists.

He jammed his finger into the down button, crossing his arms over his chest as he waited impatiently for the elevator to take him down to the crew deck. While he waited, the only thing he could think of was how grateful he was to have this elevator faster than the last one. Never having been one for elevator rides, Shepard had hated going down to the armory and engineering, and on more than one occasion, was responsible for asking his crew to move their asses back up to the bridge or crew deck. It wasn't that elevators scared him, but more so that they took so much time to get him somewhere when walking would be faster. In the end, it was mostly that they were a pain in the ass, and presented so many possible, unnecessary hazards that he didn't have the time or energy to worry about.

When the doors slid open, they revealed a blank gray wall, and four possible routes to other sections of the ship. Shepard went left and back, the fastest route to the medical bay, and was pleased to see the _Normandy's_ resident doctor maneuvering around with practiced ease. After Joker, Chakwas was the first person he went to visit, as they were the only people he actually knew that were under his command, and had made sure she was at home. Joker was beyond excited to be flying a ship again, and Chakwas was impressed with Cerberus' renovations. More space, top-of-the-line equipment, and fully stocked supplies. They had no complaints (save Joker's grumbling about EDI) so neither did Shepard. It had been nice to see friendly faces, both old and new, though the people he trusted had positions where it mattered. Chakwas was in charge of making sure none of the crew got sick or injured, or fixing and healing those things that just couldn't be prevented, and Joker was in charge of the ship's destinations. It was a good start, if anything. He'd have to learn the rest of the crew's names, positions, jobs, anything of the like.

He entered the med bay cautiously, noting Chakwas' care and attention to the figure sitting on the bed. The doctor was running scans with her omni-tool and various medical devices while Miranda stood by and watched. Opting for the lesser of two evils, he joined the Cerberus officer. Interrupting Chakwas while she worked was just about as disastrous as getting your head blown off.

"You rang?"

Miranda simply nodded, brows creased together in concentration. She was preoccupied with watching the doctor work, so Shepard's eyes followed hers. It was that woman again, the Cerberus agent who spoke in a monotone and scared the living shit out of him. He didn't need to watch her work for long to understand she could probably kill him with a spoon.

"Well...what's up?" he prodded. She shook her head and shushed him, holding a hand up in his direction. A sigh escaped his lips and his head shook. "Or not."

"Commander, if you don't be quiet, I'll have you thrown from the room until I'm done working."

"Fair enough," he said. So instead of talking, he simply crossed his arms again, and observed. The woman still had her armor on, but he imagined she was in more pain than he was; she'd taken far more shots than he had, and had even leapt between him and a heavy mech's rocket. Had his shields been at full strength, he'd have definitely been able to withstand the missile, but they weren't, and the stranger _took a rocket for him._ It had hit her in the chest, at which point she instantly went down, but it had given Miranda time to recoup the energy needed to overload the mech's shields. The damn machine had fallen a few moments later, and by then, the idiot had gotten back up.

"This neurotic implant was damaged," Chakwas said, indicating the spot behind her head.

"Can it be repaired?" Miranda asked. Shepard noted a hint of desperation in her voice, like she was afraid of something if the answer was no.

Chakwas ran another scan, sighed, and said, "No, it can't be. Whatever you were doing down there damaged its connection to the brain stem, and it needs to be removed. Fortunately for you, or...Cerberus, it shouldn't impact any of your...experimentation. It's just a tracking device."

"I know what it is," Miranda snapped. "It also allows the Illusive Man to give direct orders, or look through her eyes."

Shepard whistled. "Damn, sounds expensive."

"Like I said, Cerberus invested more credits in equipment for the original subject than you."

"What happened to her, exactly?" he asked.

Miranda hesitated, but said, "She was killed by an explosion."

His brows shot up. "And you brought someone back from _that?_ "

"Reviving her was far simpler than reviving you," she said. "It was cheaper as well, and was the project's trial run. When she became capable of fine motor movements and advanced thought processes, the Illusive Man got us enough funding to amplify a previously exemplary soldier into a very efficient weapon. While you were still being rebuilt, she was being trained for high-risk operations."

"Efficient indeed," Shepard mumbled, frowning slightly. "From what I've seen, anyway."

"We didn't finish with the...wiping of her memories. Most of her recent ones before death are still intact."

"Will that affect performance?"

She made a face, laughed once. She sounded...unsure. "Oh, probably. It nearly did once today."

"Then why didn't you finish it?"

"By the time we were cleared to begin the..." She trailed off, frowning as she tried to think of an appropriate word.

"Your version of indoctrination," Shepard said. "Don't try to tell me it's anything _but_ indoctrination."

Miranda sighed. "Fine, indoctrination. When the Illusive Man cleared my request for a control chip and neurotic wiping, you were already being prepped for revival. It's a dangerous process for anyone, and it's painful enough that even sedatives won't keep you unconscious. We had to wait weeks between each procedure."

While they were talking, Chakwas had moved to her laptop, and was running blood tests through her programs. The screen flashed with the results of whatever it was she was testing, but the doctor seemed more baffled than satisfied.

"That can't be right."

"What's wrong?" Shepard asked, joining her at her desk. He leaned over her shoulder, watching the screen as it ran through a database of blood samples. Whatever the result had been originally, he'd missed it for her to retry.

"It misidentified her blood sample," Chakwas said.

"It's software, doctor. Software makes mistakes. Run it again."

"I am, Shepard," she replied.

The screen flashed _scan complete_ and Chakwas tapped the enter key on her keyboard. The image that followed... Shepard felt like he'd taken a punch to the gut.

It was Ashley. To be exact, her basic training graduation photo. The right side of the screen displayed her basic information, full name, birth date, death date, location. But what caught Shepard's eye was the "body not recovered" beneath Virmire.

Without so much as thinking, he marched around the medical cot and stood before her, arms folded over his chest. His eyes narrowed on the blackened visor of her helmet, and he said, "Take it off."

She didn't move.

"Your helmet, take it off."

Still, nothing. Shepard was getting pissed.

"I gave you an order, Chief!"

That seemed to hit home. The slight slouch in her posture was gone, she was on her feet, and the Cerberus helmet came off without further resistance.

He took one look at those brown eyes staring at him, confusion as to why she moved flashing across her features, and he snapped. There was a good chance she didn't fully understand what was going on around her, but he didn't care. _Fucking Cerberus._ They were meddling with things beyond their control again, like always, and now they were doing it to someone he cared about. No, they already had. Miranda had just told him they destroyed most of what Ashley was before.

Shepard whirled on her, fuming. " _Her?!_ You took Ashley? What the actual—" He stopped himself, but only barely. "You took her body...from Virmire, when she deserved to be sent home and given a proper burial. You—"

Miranda drew her gun, something she apparently never went without. Shepard would have to start doing that.

"Commander, we brought Williams to the program to make you more compliant." He stiffened, tried to quench the sudden urge to throw her out the window near Chakwas, who was presently trying to get more scans off Ash. At the sight of her, he felt something in his chest give. Of all the decisions he'd ever made, leaving her behind instead of Kaidan was the hardest. The two of them...something developed between them. What that something was, he didn't know, but it killed him inside to tell Ash he was going back for Kaidan. In the end, Kaidan would be more useful. He was a biotic, an officer, and a damn good soldier to boot. He didn't want to put personal feelings before the mission, and he hadn't, but now it seemed to have cost him even his last memory of her.

"She's always been expendable," Miranda continued.

He wanted to tell her she was an idiot, and that he'd take a Ceberus indoctrinated Ashley over a free-willed Miranda any day of the week.

"Think of it like...an incentive."

"An incentive for what?" he snarled. The more she talked, the angrier he got, and he could feel the energy mounting in his fists. When he got angry, there was little chance he could control his biotics. Very, very little chance.

"There are fail-safes installed," Miranda said. He ground his teeth at "installed." Ashley wasn't a goddamn— "When the Collectors have been defeated, and if we're still alive, I've been instructed to remove the implants and various chips."

"And how will that get her back? She still won't remember shit."

"Memories cannot be erased, only moved. They are elsewhere." Shepard didn't know what to say, let alone do. Every word that left her mouth pissed him off. Ash was here, alive, because he'd liked her. She was a _slave_ because of _him._

"Put the gun down," he grumbled. Something in him snapped, and he didn't give her the chance to, but simply lunged for the weapon. At the last second, he noticed her aim shift slightly. It hadn't even been pointed at him in the first place. It was now. He stopped, but it didn't matter in the end. Shepard was shoved to the side, straight into another bed. As he pushed himself to his feet, he saw Chakwas on the floor, holding her side, and went to help her up. The doctor waved him off, and when he turned to see what had happened, he was stunned.

Somehow, Ashley had gotten her hands on Miranda's pistol, and was holding it to her head.

"Your first mistake was leaving my memories of Saren intact," she hissed. "Your second was letting me off that station."

"This project was a mistake," Shepard muttered.

Ashley's eyes flicked over to his. There was something hidden in there. Hurt, regret, resentment? He couldn't place it, but whatever Cerberus had done to her was effective, and Shepard was glad Ash had turned on Miranda instead of him. He didn't understand why, but he was glad regardless.

"We should've sent you back to the Illusive Man."

"Mistake number three." The barrel of the gun was pressed a little more firmly into Miranda's temple before she was released. Ash returned her gun, strode right past Shepard, and returned to her seat on the bed. "Besides, we both know he'd have sent me back at some point. What's the use in all those credits if I'm not where I'm intended to be?"

"You would do well to be careful," Miranda said.

"You think the Illusive Man will let you waste six billion credits?" Ashley scoffed. "I'm not stupid. Get out of here and go tell him this damn implant at the base of my skull is coming out."

The Cerberus officer left without another word.

Shepard looked back at his friend, unsure of what to do, but decided it better to leave her be. Whatever she was...she wasn't the Ashley he knew. This was a woman of threats and danger, and he would much prefer allowing Chakwas to remove the damaged implant that led to this mess before trying to talk to her.

"Williams?"

She didn't turn. "Commander."

"It's good to see you."

"I wish I could say the same."


	3. Chapter 3

Why was he surprised to find her in the armory?

She wasn't doing anything, just sitting on the floor beneath a table, watching the stars fly past while Jacob fiddled around on his computer. The ex-Alliance soldier turned immediately to greet Shepard, saluting once before returning to his work. "Jacob?"

"Commander?"

"I..." He swallowed, looked away. Damn, it was hard to say. "Well...I just...wanted to thank you. For not...being like Miranda."

"She's a hard woman, Commander," he said, turning. A small smile crossed his lips and he offered his hand. "But I understand." Shepard shook his hand, nodding, and let out a breath. His eyes traveled to Ashley, all the way across the room. She hadn't moved since he entered, but you could tell she was listening. There was no way she wasn't eavesdropping.

Shepard looked back to the Cerberus agent. Something about Jacob's honesty stuck with him, or his desire to be honest, anyway. Miranda covered Ash up as long as she could (which wasn't very long at all) but Jacob wanted to tell him from the get-go. As a matter of fact, Jacob didn't even seem to agree with anything they did to her. It was part of the reason Shepard trusted him, but also part of the reason he wasn't bringing Jacob to Omega. He wanted someone on the ship that he could trust to keep an eye on EDI. As far as he knew, Jacob wasn't a big fan of the AI either.

"Her being up here isn't a problem?" He gestured to Ashley.

Jacob shook his head, leaned against the table he was using. "She wasn't going to shoot me."

Shepard's brow went up. "From where I stood, looked like she was more than ready to."

"No," Jacob said, laughing. "No, the Illusive Man gave her direct orders. Wilson was a traitor; Wilson had to die. Me? Well...I didn't like what Miranda was doing to either of you." He frowned. "What she wanted to do to you, at least. The Illusive Man wouldn't clear anything on you. Her..." He shrugged. "It wasn't my idea, Commander. You'd both be more useful as yourselves. The Illusive Man knew that, but he still..." Another shrug. "I don't agree with messing with someone's head, all right?"

"But how does that let you know you wouldn't have been shot?"

"Because I hesitated." Shepard's head snapped around to look at her, but she was still staring out the windows. "I wasn't going to shoot him. Not unless the Illusive Man assumed direct control and _made_ me."

"Why?"

"I remember enough," she said. "I know who helped me and I know who made things...harder." She looked at them, namely Jacob, and almost smiled. "I'm more likely to shoot you, Commander, than him."

"Thanks, Ash. That makes me feel so much better."

Her eyes flicked over to him briefly. A hint of amusement crossed them, but that was it.

"I was designed to further Cerberus' standing and to protect its interests. Don't do anything stupid, and who knows? Maybe I won't be compelled to shoot you," she said. "If Lawson had finished what she started, I imagine I'd be a lot more violent and a lot less talkative."

"Lucky us," Shepard said.

Ashley shrugged, looked back to the window. "Just watch yourself, Commander. I can't remember everything that they did to me, but..." She trailed off. "I'll tell you some other time."

"Fair enough," he decided. "Let's go. You're coming with me to Omega."

"You want _me_ to come down there with you? After what I just said?"

"In case Miranda tries to shoot me again? Yeah."

The corner of her mouth turned up into an extremely sardonic grin. "Oh, I hope she does." She was on her feet the next instant, pulling on her helmet. "I'll take any reason to shoot her." When she spoke, Shepard could hardly recognize her voice. Typically, when he hears someone's voice through a filter, he can still hear their original voice past it, but hers? No, there was no trace of Ashley's voice in that thing.

"Chakwas get that thing out of your head?"

"No. She prefers to wait for us to pick up Mordin Solus before attempting to remove anything attached to my brain."

"Then I guess that's our incentive to get going."

"Aye, Commander."

* * *

"And Garrus?"

"Yes, Shepard?"

"It's good to have you back."

The turian flared his mandibles, his version of a smile. "Good to be back, Commander."

Shepard nodded. "I'll talk to you later. I...have to go to the med bay."

"Make sure you don't get shot," Garrus said over his shoulder.

"No promises!" he called back, trying not to smile. He had to admit it, seeing Garrus again had been good for him. The damn guy had spent the last two years working hard to piss off every merc group in the Terminus System, and did a good job of it. They had to pull Garrus, under the guise of "Archangel," right out of a firefight. To make matters worse, he'd shot at them a few times, and _that_ didn't go over well with Ashley.

Naturally, when he crossed the deck and entered the med bay, he made sure he had his sidearm. At this point, it was becoming rapidly obvious that there were hidden protocols Cerberus had written, and unless they figured out what they were, taking Ash anywhere could become problematic. Having her aboard the ship would be a waste of space and rations, and he couldn't exactly set her loose on the galaxy. The Illusive Man would scoop her back up and that was sure to be the end of Miranda's list of mistakes.

"You've been here more in two days than the entire time you were when we were hunting Saren."

Ash's eyes were already following Shepard across the room, completely ignoring whatever Chakwas was doing, and not even acknowledging Mordin, the salarian scientist they'd recruited with Garrus.

"I died," she said. "I missed a lot." Eyes still on Shepard. He felt like she was judging him.

"I had no choice," he said.

"I don't blame you, Commander. I don't regret a thing."

"I imagine you don't feel much of anything regardless."

"Also true." Shepard ran a hand down his face, sighing. Only when he stepped closer did he notice the cuffs on her wrists. She must've noticed where he was looking, because she said, "I asked for them. If they're going to go mess with the things in my head, I don't want to hurt them."

"Brave thing," Mordin said. "Honorable...for Cerberus."

She snorted, shook her head, while Shepard grabbed one of the stools nearby. He sat down at the end of the cot, hands clasped over his lap. "What _did_ Cerberus do to you, Ash?"

"Enough," she said. "They did enough. Most of the problem comes from the thing back here." Her hands reached up, twisted to tap the spot of the malfunctioning implant. "You already know about its communication abilities. Fortunately for us, the blast from my shields frying yesterday actually fried it too. I have a limited range of free will, mostly anything avoiding whatever else they did."

"So if you saw an Alliance officer, you wouldn't feel the need to kill them?"

"I'd probably _want_ to, but I wouldn't do anything about it. Or at least...I hope I wouldn't." Ashley shrugged. "It's hard to tell what'll set something off and what won't."

He sighed too. "Look, we can't do anything to help you unless you tell us everything you remember. What implants they...installed, what protocols they've ingrained in you, anything and everything that's changed."

For a moment, he thought she was going to snap the cuffs and find a way to kill him. The look she was giving him...it was unnerving, like she was counting all the possible ways to get him even with her restraints.

Then her shoulders sagged and she hid her face in her hands. "Do you know how hard it is to look at you?"

He frowned. "Um...no. Should I?"

"You need to leave, Shepard. I'll...we'll... Come find me later."

Shepard's brows furrowed, but he nodded. "Mordin, I want a report on Cerberus' systems in her head when you're done, all right?"

"Yes, Commander. Never worked on an indoctrinated patient. Should be fun."

Both of them turned to look at the salarian. Shepard's brows now rose, but Solus didn't seem to notice. He was still running through scans they'd already taken while he was talking to Garrus, and Chakwas was prepping the room for surgery. Shepard doubted the implant at the base of her skull was designed to come out, but come hell or high water, they were going to find a way.

Hopefully.

* * *

In his hands, Shepard held a photo of the crew, long before Virmire, long before any of them had to really worry about dying. Pressly had actually been the one to suggest it during one of their many trips to the Citadel, and had sent the photos taken to Shepard's email. The first thing he did when getting back up to his cabin was transfer them to the frame in his hands. He'd never see many of them again, lost to the destruction of the original _Normandy._

He swiped past the photo of all of them in front of Flux, a small smile stretching over his lips. The next one was of him, Liara, and Tali, followed by several pictures of the soldiers stationed on the bridge, and then the medical staff. Chakwas looked a lot younger in all of them, though whether the change was due to stress or her actually aging he didn't know. Stopping Saren and Sovereign had been pretty stressful, but it was nothing compared to what they were faced with now. They were going up against an entire species with one tiny little frigate.

 _We're going to need some upgrades,_ he thought, swiping to the next picture. Him, Kaidan, Ashley, standing out in front of the vista they'd bickered and sniped at each other over. They'd been wearing their dress uniforms, off-duty but in public, and for a second, Shepard realized how out of place Ash looked. Shepard's uniform had several commendations and medals, and he was wearing his officer's cap. Kaidan's jacket had the same insignia on the shoulder that Shepard's did — the mark of a ranking biotic, along with his own commendations. No cap (Kaidan didn't like hats, if he remembered correctly). Then there was Ash, her customary place on his right, with her enlisted personnel's beret and little recognition for all the things she'd accomplished.

Shepard swallowed, moved to the next photo. Him and Kaidan, smiling and standing next to each other. He missed him, but wherever Kaidan was, he was sure he had something important to do. Another swipe, more frowning as if punched in the face. It was him and Ashley this time, and he had an arm wrapped around her shoulders. He had the biggest grin on his face whereas Ash just looked amused. Irritated, but amused.

He went through the rest of the photos, mostly of him with the aliens they'd recruited, and went to place the frame on his desk, but not before setting it to the photo of him, Ashley, and Kaidan. Next to his mom, they were the people he cared for the most, and having them both was plenty of incentive to stop the Collectors.

Then his stomach churned. How the hell was he supposed to tell Alenko that Ash was alive? Just thinking of the possibilities made him groan and flop over on his couch, hiding his face under his elbow.

"Operative Williams is requesting entry to your cabin, Commander."

"I told you to stop calling me that!"

Shepard couldn't help the smile that crept over his face at the comment. There was something about it that was distinctly Ash. The tone of her voice, maybe.

"It's all right, EDI. Let her in."

"Of course, Shepard."

The door opened, but he remained on his couch. He couldn't hear her enter, didn't care. She could come in and do whatever the hell she wanted for all he cared. "I'm sorry I didn't come down for dinner."

He heard her sit on his bed. "You're apologizing to me for not eating?"

"You used to yell at me for skipping meals."

"I did?"

Shepard moved his arm to look at her. "Yes, you did. I'd skip out if I wasn't hungry, and you'd tell me I'd need to go eat, and then it just sort of went downhill from there."

Her brows went up. "I don't remember that."

"Don't worry about it. It was stupid anyway."

Ashley's expression hardened immediately. "Maybe to you, but I'd like to remember my life."

"I'm sorry. That's not what I meant." She just grunted and got to her feet, deciding not to deign him with a response. _That_ spoke volumes of how much Cerberus had done to her, and suddenly, Shepard was more concerned for her than himself. He was afraid Cerberus had changed him, put something in _his_ head, but hearing Ashley refuse to talk made it click. Getting Ashley to shut up in the first place had been quite the accomplishment, and now she'd just grunt and make noises as her replies.

At some point, she ended up at the table near his feet, and now had her hands on the picture frame he'd set down minutes ago. Shepard could see the frown creasing her features just from the photo of them with Kaidan.

"He was a biotic." She looked back at Shepard. "Him. The...ah..." She scratched her head and her frown deepened. "Cade?"

Shepard almost laughed. "Kaidan."

Ashley looked back to the photo and nodded, muttering his name to herself. "He babied me, didn't he?"

"Kind of, I guess," Shepard said. "He didn't want you running off and doing something stupid, that's for sure."

"I remember him getting upset about you leaving me behind," she said. "And I remember wishing I could've seen sisters and a mom that I don't even know the names of. I...wanted to apologize, but by the time I got my omni-tool up, the nuke had gone off, and...I don't know what happened after that."

Shepard sat up. "You were probably too irradiated by then."

"Probably," she agreed.

He drummed his fingers on the couch, shifted and fidgeted a bit before asking, "Why'd you come up here, Ash?"

She ignored him, instead opting to swipe through the photos for herself. Shepard counted, watched as she lingered on the ones of them. There were a few, not many, but a few, and a considerable amount compared to the rest of the photos he was in.

"We were close...weren't we?"

"Yeah," he said.

"And you left me on Virmire instead of Kaidan."

"...Yeah."

Something passed over her expression for a moment, and then she set the frame down. It was still a picture of the two of them, but in their suits instead of their dress uniforms. He recognized that photo; it had been taken at Flux, during a small break in running around the Citadel. Kaidan had taken the photo for them, not that Ashley had noticed. He and Shepard had snuck up on her with it, really.

Ash sat beside him, letting out a puff of breath. Her hands were on her knees, drumming in time with the soft music Shepard had playing, and her feet were bouncing. Deep breaths. After a few seconds, she squeezed her eyes shut and started taking larger breaths through her nose.

"I came up here to tell you what Cerberus did to me," she said. It sounded like her mouth had gone dry. "And to tell you what I know about their work on you. It's just...it's so hard being near you."

He thought about putting his hand on her shoulder, but decided against it. "Why? What's wrong?"

"Some of the protocols... You left me for dead, and I can remember it clearly. I don't want to blame you, but I do. I don't want to be upset. I'm not, but I am." She groaned and leapt to her feet faster than he thought humanly possible. "I have this urge to recite some poem at you, and I don't even understand why!"

"Because your father liked poetry," he answered. "His favorite was 'Ulysses.' You used to read it at his grave every time you visited. You hate thinking of ways to explain how you feel, so you use poems. Kaidan would tease you about it because every time he tried to find a poem you didn't know, you'd give him the author and name of it, and recite the entire damn thing just to prove him wrong."

She blinked, still frowning, and said, "Your first name is Kyler and your middle name is Adam. Our birthdays are three days apart, in April. You're four years older than me."

"You didn't know my first name?"

"I do now."

"How?"

She shrugged. "Because I remember the conversation. Recalling anything is...painful. I try not to."

He gave her a sad smile. "I hate to say this...but I wish Cerberus left you on Virmire."

She sat beside him again, stared at his hand for a brief second, and then took it in hers, wringing her fingers together with his. Her armor felt strange beneath his fingers, like it had been burned too many times and had the scorch marks painted over.

"Chakwas and Solus got the device out of my head," Ashley whispered. "The Illusive Man can't track me anymore, and he can't see what I see, but...there is still a chip in my head, buried so far in that getting it out is nearly impossible. And...they did things to me, Shepard. Like there's a part of me sleeping that I don't know about. Things I can see will trigger it. A phrase Lawson knows will trigger it." She returned his sad smile, but she was staring at their hands. "The implant in my head cut away my feelings and my self-preservation instinct, but if that's triggered..."

He started to speak, but she shook her head.

"I don't want to talk about what would happen if it was. All I know is I'm only stopping if Lawson tells me to, or the Illusive Man does himself. That can't be fixed. They..." She swallowed; her grip on him tightened, and he squeezed her hand back. "She told you about erasing my memories. Transferring them elsewhere, whatever. The point is, it _hurt,_ Shepard. It hurt more than being irradiated. God, I don't think anything has ever been so painful, but they did it without hesitation, and that wasn't where they stopped. You've heard of sleeper agents, right? The things the Russians came up with in the last millennia, back on Earth."

He nodded. "They were created to attack the United States, but blend in until needed. They were just a scare tactic, though. The Soviets never did anything like that."

"God, you're naïve," she said, laughing miserably. "They did, but they were never activated, and the project went underground. Eventually, they died out and the world kept spinning, watching as the two countries battled in this thing called the space race."

"If they wiped your memory, how do you know about any of this?"

"They wiped my memories, yes, but they left anything from the station alone. It wouldn't need wiping; the things they did were designed to be traumatic enough that my brain would cover it up even if I wanted to remember it. So, whenever I wasn't having the shit beat out of me by mechs or synthetics, I was on the extranet, trying to learn about everything. Originally it was to help with the...assignments I was sent on, but when I started being left 'off' for longer periods of time, I'd do it just for the hell of it. At some point, they'd actually kept me turned off for long enough that I found the server room and 'accidentally' leaked information back to Alliance Command. It was apparently so valuable that the Illusive Man almost had me terminated on the spot."

"And why weren't you killed?" he asked.

"Because I hacked a database that was tighter than a krogan's...uh...you get the picture. Point being, their training backfired because I could remember it even when I wasn't activated. But that also gives me problems when something triggers a response from...their 'weapon,' I guess. If I'm accidentally turned on in the field, only that stupid phrase Lawson has will shut me off."

"So they basically made you a sleeper agent," Shepard said.

"Yes. I imagine I was going to be given a new identity, a new face, the whole thing before being integrated into an Alliance ship, or somewhere worse. Whatever it was, I was being turned into something that looked human, but wasn't. If you hadn't been killed, I wouldn't be here."

He nodded, glancing at their hands, brows furrowed. She was still squeezing it, terrified, and he couldn't blame her. She got the shit end of the stick.

"If their...indoctrination was designed to be that traumatic, how _do_ you remember it?"

"Like I said, they kept me shut off for too long one day, and I got curious. If you kept experiencing blackouts for hours, sometimes days, at a time, wouldn't you get curious? Hacking Lawson's laptop wasn't as hard as the entire database, but since her laptop was linked to it, hacking Cerberus' network wasn't as difficult as it could've been. Since she had footage of the...uh..."

"Torture," Shepard supplied. There wasn't another word for it; that's exactly what it was.

"Yeah, sure. She had footage of it, and I watched. I can't remember what it felt like, or what I was thinking when it was going on, but I can clearly recall every second of it because of those vids."

"That's sick," he said. And he meant it. They _filmed_ what they did to her? What sort of sick bastard does that?

Ashley just shrugged. "It backfired, didn't it? They put me here, I have my memories of Saren and the original _Normandy,_ and they lost the most valuable thing they had controlling me."

"Only because you're one stubborn little shit."

She actually smiled, and so did he. "I knew it would come in handy some day." A somewhat comfortable silence lapsed over them. Shepard was glad to hear that familiar voice again, and glad to see her smiling, no matter how brief it may have been.

"Problem being...they still have protocols in my head. That, or I'm just not used to having the ability to make my own choices again, and I lean towards Cerberus feelings because I'm used to it."

"Let's assume they have protocols written and expect the worst so we can be pleasantly surprised later."

"Or unsurprised."

"That too."

Ashley let go of him as soon as the words left his mouth, getting to her feet. "Shepard...I..." Her hands clenched into fists, then relaxed. "It's...going to take a while before I can figure out what's me and what's Cerberus. I don't...I don't want to hurt you, or Garrus, or anyone. Leave me on the ship until I can. It's the safest option."

He sighed and got to his feet. "And if you ever want to know what's real or not real, ask one of us."

She frowned. "That just..."

"That's what friends do, Ash. Ask me, ask Garrus, ask Chakwas, hell, even Joker. We can tell you."

"I...don't know what to say."

He couldn't help it; a grin broke out on his face. "That would be a first for you."

A small laugh escaped her. "Then...for what it's worth, thanks."

"Of course. Whenever you need me, you know where to find me."

"Ass deep in the galaxy's problems?"

"Maybe not _ass_ deep... More like neck deep," he said.

An even briefer laugh, more like a scoff. "I'll talk to you some other time, Shepard. I need some time to myself. Think about...our discussion." He nodded again and walked her to the door, stopping to stand in it as she went for the elevator. After stepping inside, she said, "And Commander?"

"Hmm?"

 _There_ it was, that shit-eating grin she'd get when she thought something was truly hilarious. If he was being truly honest with himself, Shepard would say that it was one of the reasons he liked her so much. Ashley had one of those grins that would make you grin too whether you wanted to or not. "You should grab a snack before going to bed."

He laughed. "Thanks, Ash."


	4. Chapter 4

Smelled like sterilizers and antiseptics, and, worst of all, medigel. The stench made her gag.

Chakwas looked up from her computer at the noise, smiling faintly. It made Ashley want to punch her teeth out of her mouth, but she remained where she was standing, barely in the room. "Feeling all right, Williams?"

"Yes, uh, ma'am," she said. "Just...distracted is all." She blinked several times, squinting at the bright lights. "Little disoriented. I'm still trying to get my bearings...ma'am?"

The doctor smiled well and truly now, and the urge to hit her was nearly overwhelming. She swayed slightly. In the back of her mind, she knew taking another step into the room would be a mistake. The smell of the medigel was irritating her, both senses and her temper, and hitting the doctor was counterproductive. That, and they used to be friends, if her memory served. Which it didn't.

"We were..." Ashley frowned, a customary expression as of late. "Were we friends?"

"If that's what you want to call it, yes," Chakwas said. That relaxed her a bit. She'd spent a large portion of the day asking Garrus questions and assuming things that were wrong. Getting something right was a pleasant change. "Can I help you?"

"I was just..." Just what? She didn't know. Not really. "...looking for some place that was quiet."

Chakwas turned back around in her chair. "The med bay is the quietest spot on the ship as long as you stay back from the server room, and the doors back out onto the deck."

"Can I stay here for a bit?"

"Decompressing?"

She frowned again. "Something like that."

The doctor nodded. "Of course. Make yourself at home, Williams."

"Ashley," she said. "Or...I don't know. What was my nickname?"

"Ash?"

"That's it." Without further interruptions, Ashley took a seat on the same bed that she'd come to adopt as a second home. It was as good a place as any for her, anyway. When she'd been cleared for usual duty (which, in her case, was wandering around aimlessly while trying not to hit someone, or something important) she spent the first few solar cycles in the armory with that Cerberus guy, Jacob.

Her hands wound up in the thin cotton blanket beneath her. She'd nearly shot him for being _on her side._ Wilson was pissed about something or other, hacked the mechs, and tried his damnedest to kill her and Shepard, and she ended up smearing the floor with his blood. But Jacob? He just didn't like what they were doing to her. He'd been...something to her, before. Not kind, but not harsh and cruel like the scientists had been. He'd been the one to bring her meals when she was locked in her quarters, or just talk when she was feeling disoriented. Not friends, but not enemies. Once, when she got curious, she asked why it was always him being sent to check on her. Said it was because forming attachments to Cerberus agents would help the...indoctrination. Lawson sent Taylor constantly just to fuck with her.

Ashley clenched her fists. _Fucking Cerberus._

Instead of moping and making it more likely she'd snap, she decided asking questions would help her more. Help her sort out the jumbled shitstorm in her head.

"Kade was the guy I stayed behind for...right?"

"Kaidan?"

"Shit, Shepard already corrected me on that one," she grumbled. "Come to think of it...he called me Ash too."

"You'll be fine," Chakwas assured her. "There will be side effects of Cerberus' experiments for a while. Most will come as a surprise."

"You..." Her brows shot up and she twisted at the waist to look at the doctor, nose still buried in her computer. "What makes you think I'll be fine?"

Chakwas looked up briefly, then back down, an amused smirk tugging at her lips. "You're stubborn enough." Ashley frowned. "You were stubborn enough to get yourself this far in only a few days. You're stubborn enough to see it through."

"I...well... Okay."

"But yes, to answer your original question, you stayed behind so Commander Shepard could rescue Lieutenant Alenko. You set of a bomb that destroyed Saren's breeding facility on Virmire."

"His...what?"

"Breeding facility. He was curing the genophage, making an army of krogan."

Ashley's eyes went wide, turned back around. "Damn, that's...wow. I did that?"

"And died in the process. Does this surprise you?"

She nodded, hands tightening on the edge of the bed. "Guess it hasn't sunk in yet." Chakwas made a noise in her throat, a questioning one. "The fact that I wasn't always with Cerberus, I mean. The first clear thing I can remember... It's not pretty." She didn't make any sound that Ashley had to continue, but she did. "I was strapped to a chair, I think. Smelled like blood and chlorine, and lots of stuff I can't recognize. They left me there for a while before dragging me off to my cell.

"We passed an operating room," she continued. "Couple of doctors were bickering over their patient, probably Shepard. I remember praying for whoever it was. They didn't want..." Ashley scratched her head, got off the bed. "I didn't want them waking up in the same position I was in."

Chakwas cleared her throat. "Are you sure you don't want to talk with Chambers?"

"If I wanted to, I'd have done it already," she snapped, suddenly defensive. "She's Cerberus through and through. I don't want some Cerberus psych preaching at me about how great they are. Fuck Cerberus. Fuck every Cerberus agent on this ship, myself included. I'd throw myself out the airlock if it got this mission over with any faster."

The doctor looked up from her computer, concern etched into her features. "That's not a healthy attitude, Williams. You should—"

Ashley buried her fist in the glass window, not quite hard enough to damage it, but not exactly gentle enough to leave herself unharmed either. Her knuckles would be split, bruised, something. The pain didn't register right, never would anymore thanks to Cerberus' implants. She noted the injury, stored it away for later, and stormed out the door, right back to the women's restroom. Why she chose to go there she didn't know, but that's where she went, and as soon as the doors slid shut behind her, she had EDI lock them.

They all ended up frustrating her at some point. Joker, Garrus, Chakwas. It wasn't their fault, not really. Hers for having such a short temper. Hers for watching it but not quite controlling it. Any slip up and someone would be dead.

She tore off her Cerberus suit with an irritated grunt, leaving the various pieces in a heap on the floor. A nice, cold shower was in order. Then a trip down to the shuttle bay and storage, a good place she could kick the shit out of a few crates. Then back up to the observation decks to try getting drunk again, and then passing out to the nightmares. Maybe some more crate kicking in the morning, followed by a round of punching the daylights out of a wall. Her usual, day to day routine. Inaction infuriated her, but she knew it was the best in the end. Going out with Shepard's team only put them in danger.

She didn't remember turning on the water. She didn't remember _crying_ either, but warm tears rolled down her cheeks. Damn, but did she want it to end. All of it. Thinking, pain, everything. Ashley just wanted the universe to curl in on itself and tell whatever else was out there exactly where it could shove its hopes and dreams.

Then again...she used to be like that too, didn't she? All humans had hopes, dreams, fears. She remembered hoping against hope that Shepard would save her instead of Kaidan, but also hoping he'd go save him. She remembered lying there in a pool of blood while the life fell from her body, remembered praying for Shepard and Kadain, and the ship's crew. She remembered praying for her sisters and mother, the family she only knew of from her conversations with Shepard. She remembered watching the bomb go off from a small room covered in windows, thinking that maybe, if they were lucky, she'd caught Saren in the blast. All of it hurt, made her see red, hurt in a way that wasn't anywhere near the throb in her hand.

Looked down, knuckles dislocated. She fixed them and resumed her moping, resting her forehead against the cool metal wall. The throb turned to an ache, and she felt like she was falling. Everything was a target to be shot, punched, or kicked, and getting put on the damn _Normandy_ felt like the Illusive Man wanted her to go rogue.

The thought made her shudder. Ashley didn't want that. As a matter of fact, all she wanted was herself. Cerberus' damn tests blurred the lines of reality and imagination, and sometimes it went so far to make her think breathing was fake, and that maybe she should stop so she didn't poison herself on the oxygen. But most of the time, she was sitting somewhere, staring off blankly into space while trying to sort through her thoughts. She doubted if she was even real. Everything, doubt. Was that a wall, or was that something in her head? Was Shepard really Shepard, or had Cerberus just tricked her into thinking someone else was Shepard?

That one scared her the most. Ashley didn't want to believe this was all some elaborate nightmare going on in her head, cooked up by Cerberus just to make her even more miserable. She'd rather find out she was dead and living in her own personal hell for getting the 212 killed.

 _The what?_

Dammit, but she hated not knowing what half the things she thought meant. She hated looking at Shepard and feeling...something. She hated feeling like an outsider looking in on her own memories of him. She tried to understand what it was that made her snap to attention back when they first got on the SR-2. Such a simple thing, such a simple order _while she was activated,_ and she responded. It had shut her off pretty damn quick too. Fucking weird. Nothing ever shut her off except a good rocket to the face, or Lawson's phrase.

And then came Commander Shepard, shutting off the remorseless Cerberus agent buried in her head with an order and a pull of Alliance rank. For a second, just a split second, she felt like herself again, the one that existed before the damn Lazarus Project. Then her eyes locked on Lawson's gun, first aimed at her, and then Shepard, and she'd lost it again. Threatening the success of the project was a trigger. Trying to kill Shepard had been a personal thing. It was...strange when both parts of her agreed on hitting that bitch. Biotic bastard. Nearly launched her across the med bay. Would have too, had Ash not been spending every waking second having the shit beat out of her for failing.

But still, her mind trailed back to Virmire. It always seemed to, especially when she was herself. Or, as much of herself as she could manage. Something about the mission always rubbed her the wrong way. It wasn't that she didn't know Cerberus grabbed her almost immediately after the nuke stopped going, but more that she didn't know the people she died for anymore. Shepard, nope, but she was going to try. Garrus, nope there too. Chakwas and Joker? Double negative. That quarian, Tali'Zorah, from that colony? Also a no, but when Lawson suggested that they might not get what they needed from Veetor, called her a liar, Ashley had to fight the urge to hit her in the back of the head with the butt of her battle rifle. Fucking Cerberus bitch. It was a challenge not to march back out to the deck and beat the shit out of _her._

Luckily for Lawson, Shepard would be back soon, and Ashley didn't want him to come back to a missing bulkhead. Especially not when they were in orbit over a Blue Suns base. Recruiting a damn krogan madman. This mission just got better and better.

For a while, she just stood there, letting the icy water pelt her skin. It felt good, refreshing. Helped her focus on a single train of thought when she needed it. Her brain kept focusing on Virmire, half thinking they should've known better than to land on the damn planet. She was starting to wish Shepard had saved her and left Kaidan.

Something in her revolted at the thought. No, it was good that she was left behind. _Right choice._ She repeated that for a while. Then it stopped working. A tide of memories hit her, the conversations over the comms with the Lieutenant while she, Shepard, and Garrus shot their way through Saren's base. The frantic radio chatter when the SR-1 brought in the nuke, the reluctant voice of their Commander echoing in her head.

 _"I'm sorry, Ash. Alenko's got the salarians, and—"_

 _"It's the right choice, Commander."_

She shut the water off abruptly, toweled off, got back in the suit of Cerberus armor. Then Ashley stormed to the shuttle bay, searching for something that looked sturdy enough. Her knuckles kept getting dislocated, the crew kept staring as she punched and beat the metal crate, and she kept replaying Shepard's apology in her head.

 _"Forgive me, Ash."_

 _"Not needed, Skipper."_

The next punch broke her hand.


	5. Chapter 5

Cerberus had given him a _new_ vehicle to run around planets in, and Ash instantly regretted her decision to join them in the M-44 Hammerhead.

Shepard had been "asked" by Cerberus command to retrieve Prothean spheres from whatever the hell planet they were on. All she cared about was the reek of rust and acid that looked eerily similar to lava. And all of them just so happened to be clustered in this old factory overrun by geth.

Her shoulder twitched at the thought and she reached up to rub the sore spot with her thumb, unconsciously covering the old scar. So many scars, too many mental.

"You all right up there?"

It was Garrus, seated behind the driver's seat. He was back pretty far regardless, as the Hammerhead was designed differently from the Mako they knew and despised, and was watching her with as much concern as a turian could muster.

"Fine," Ashley said, pulling her hand back down to her lap. "Just not looking forward to Shepard's driving again."

Garrus laughed. "You're lucky, then. The Hammerhead handles better than the Mako."

"Thank freaking God."

The other passenger, the krogan Shepard had picked up and revived a few days back, was on her side of the vehicle. A pitstop, Shepard had said, before they went to get a prisoner off a Blue Suns ship. Blue Suns, Blue Suns everywhere! Ashley was starting to hate the merc group just out of spite. Whatever the case, they'd been working with Okeer, a krogan warlord, while he tried to breed an army of perfect krogans. Their only result was the guy behind her, a massive, arrogant beast that called himself Grunt. The disgusted grunt he let out at her and Garrus' conversation made her realize just how much she could dislike someone on basis.

She craned her head back, watching the crew as they rearranged and secured the supply crates to make a drop. But still, Shepard was nowhere to be seen. Whatever he had to "check up on" was taking forever. She felt weird sitting there, doing nothing.

A crate was pushed past the open door. Dented, useless. Being dropped with them. _Oops,_ she thought, an odd smile of satisfaction playing over her lips. Her hand twinged and she grasped it firmly with her other, rubbing its palm with her thumb.

"Broke a box?" Grunt grumbled in that distinctly krogan voice of his.

The crew member stopped, chuckled nervously with a glance in Ashley's direction, and shook his head. "Not...exactly." He finished moving the crate into place, and then ran off. She snorted, turned back around, settled for staring out the front window. There was something reassuring about being able to see what Shepard was about to drive them into.

Behind her, the door was closed and secured, and a moment later, Shepard dropped into the driver's seat with a grunt. "Be sure you've all got protection. The factory's riddled with toxic fumes and we'll have to get out to secure the data spheres." Ashley already had her helmet, similar to the standard issue for any Alliance marine, but she put it on now, hitting the pressure equalizers as the visor snapped shut to hide her face.

"You guys good back there?" he asked, leaning around in his seat for confirmation. Whatever they did, it must've satisfied him because he returned to his position. "What about you, Ash? You good?"

"Yes, Commander."

He stared at her for a few seconds, face unreadable behind his N7 helmet. Ashley didn't look away, but held his gaze instead. "Something wrong?"

She snorted and looked out front again. "Yeah, you're driving."

"I've gotten better," he said defensively.

"I bet you haven't."

"He hasn't," Garrus confirmed.

In a show of being an ass, she strapped herself into her seat. Shepard scoffed and shook his head, but did the same. "You're an ass."

"'You're an ass...?'" she fished.

"You're as ass, _Williams,_ " he amended.

"Better," she replied, settling into her seat. Behind them, Garrus was chuckling, and she imagined Shepard was biting his tongue to not come up with some witty response.

"Good to have you back, Ash," Garrus said.

"I'd say good to be back, but Shepard's driving, you shot at me, and I'm trapped in a Hammerhead with a krogan meaner than Wrex."

"Don't be a baby," Shepard said, staring the process of getting them prepped for the drop. The Hammerhead's engines whirred to life and he disengaged the locks on the underside of the vehicle.

"If I'm being a baby, at least I'm being an honest one."

That made Shepard laugh, but he didn't reply. Instead, he hit the comm button and sent a message to Joker, saying they were ready for the drop.

"Aye aye, Commander. Maneuvering the _Normandy_ into position."

While they waited to get low enough in the atmosphere, Ashley decided getting used to seeing the open space beneath her feet was in order. Unlike the Mako, the Hammerhead had windows in the front of the vehicle, bulletproof, and a control panel spanning the entire front. If need be, she could actually help Shepard drive, but that came at the cost of feeling like there was no floor under her feet. The windows started just above head level and stretched under the front of the Hammerhead, spanning back a few feet before being fused into the floor. A floor with the Cerberus logo painted onto it.

"Have I ever told you how much I hate Cerberus?" she suddenly said, breaking the silence. Ashley wasn't talking to anyone in particular, just thinking aloud, and she didn't expect an answer.

"Says the one wearing a Cerberus uniform."

"Shut it, Vakarian."

Shepard sighed. "I'm not sure if you two were more annoying when you hated each other, or if you're more annoying now."

"Leave them here," Grunt suggested. "Save the headache."

"Nah, they're adorable."

"Too stylish," Garrus added.

Ashley just grunted.

"Bridge to ground team, you are clear to go."

Ashley made sure she was holding her rifle when Shepard hit the release for the shuttle bay doors. She definitely didn't want that flying around the Hammerhead. Too important.

"When we reach the first sphere, Ash, you and Grunt get out and grab it. Quick and clean, no antics, no wasting time. I don't want to bring anyone back to the ship with a plasma burn. I've had enough of Chakwas this week alone to last the whole mission."

Before she could make a snarky comment, Shepard gunned it, and the Hammerhead, along with her smashed supply crate, rocketed from the ship's doors. It felt good to be in one of those moods he assured her was her typical attitude. Most of the time, she had to fight to get something sarcastic out. Garrus said she was losing her charm, and that they just _couldn't_ have that. The _Normandy_ wasn't a good ship until she had an insubordinate with a mouth aboard. Apparently, that had been her on the original ship, and Shepard and Garrus would enjoy having her like that on the new ship. Come to think of it, Ashley wanted to be that idiotic insubordinate that noticed too much for her own good. She liked that woman better than the one she saw in the mirror every morning. So did the others, especially Shepard. He was more at ease when she was herself.

Having been lost in thought, Ash didn't notice the Hammerhead was on the ground until it bounced. The thrusters caught five or so feet up, kicked in, and Shepard drove right through the line of geth assembled to greet them. One hit the windshield and flew off, much to his clear amusement. He gave an excited whoop before ordering Garrus to man the cannon.

"The first sphere is on radar," Ashley said.

"Roger that," Shepard replied. The Hammerhead lurched into the air as he threw them onto a rusted out platform.

"I'm also picking up an incoming dropship."

"Then that gives you more reason to make sure Grunt doesn't get hurt," he said. Another lurch as the vehicle landed, slid to a stop next to a geth-built structure. Ahead, Ashley could see the gigantic geth ship approaching the platform.

She hit the release on her safety harness, grabbed her Vindicator, and raced from the vehicle with the krogan. A few troopers were there to meet them, but a quick blast from her rifle and a solid punch from Grunt, and the problem solved itself. The ground creaked under Grunt's weight; she could hear the metal giving beneath them.

The dropship stopped overhead, opening up its hold doors, and released a huge synthetic onto the platform. Thin metal plates fell into the structure below, leaving little support for much else. As it sighted them, Shepard wheeled around the structure with the Hammerhead and launched it across the building, spinning around so Garrus could get off a shot.

All Ashley did was focus on running after Grunt. More geth, a juggernaut and some rocket troopers, landed between them and their destination, but they were too close for Shepard to make a lap with the Hammerhead, so they had to deal with it themselves. As he made a pass behind her, one of the geth shot its missile launcher for him. The rocket exploded on the vehicle's shields, which had to be taking a beating. He'd made three passes of the colossus, keeping its attention off her and Grunt, and had plowed straight into its legs each time.

"Take another rocket for me and you're confined to the ship, permanently," he said, voice crackling over the comm.

She snapped off a quick shot at the juggernaut before Grunt hit it with his shoulder. "How'd you guess?"

"Because I know you."

Ashley huffed. He _did_ know her. He knew her better than she knew herself, but that was Cerberus' fault. As if she needed more reasons to hate Cerberus after the hunt they led across the galaxy for them, only to find an Alliance Admiral dead, and the people responsible free.

A rocket came for her, but she rolled out of the way. It was followed in rapid succession by the ground shaking as more of the tiles they were running on fell below. The one Grunt was on, with the juggernaut, fell over the support beam, and she had to run to catch him in time. She dove, armor digging painfully into her ribs, as her hand closed around Grunt's elbow.

 _We're in for a long day._

* * *

"Acid? You fell...into a bright orange pit of acid?"

"It's a long story," Ashley grumbled. "Geth. Lots of geth."

Miranda, who was currently crouched by her wounded ankle, gave a snort. "And you just happen to fall into the acid?'

"Quiet, Lawson," Shepard ordered. He was standing by her shoulders, arms folded over his chest with an unreadable expression on his face, but he wasn't looking at her. He was waiting for Chakwas' assessment of the damage. Ashley didn't care what the doctor thought.

"You should recover in a few hours, considering Cerberus' healing protocols," she decided. "Just go easy with the walking."

"Ship duty?" Shepard asked.

"Ship duty," Chakwas confirmed with a nod. "Burns like these don't heal easily."

He nodded, and when she started to protest, Joker's voice came over the intercom. "Transmission coming in from the Illusive Man, Commander. He's looking for you and Stick-Up-Her-Ass."

She and Shepard exchanged glances, but not before he helped her to her feet. Standing didn't hurt, but it wasn't exactly pleasant either. Ashley didn't feel like trying to put on real clothes before heading up to the briefing room, so she stayed in the gym clothes, and took the crutches Chakwas already had prepared for her. As soon as they'd radioed back to the ship, Shepard explained the situation and they were on standby for her stupid ass.

Chakwas spun on them before they could escape, clicked her tongue, and pointed back to the bed. Ashley groaned inwardly, resigning herself to an annoying couple of days, and took a seat. "We have to—"

"The Illusive Man can wait. Your well-being takes priority."

Shepard shot her a grin, but remained quiet. He wasn't eager to go talk with the Illusive Man either. Calling him made sense, but her? What did she do? What had Lawson sent back to him?

Chakwas slapped on some medigel, and Ashley's nose wrinkled at the smell. It made her skin crawl, her hands tighten into fists. It made the skin around her burns itch, but she sat still, allowing the doctor to wrap it in a roll of linen before securing it with a pin.

"That should do for today. Come back in the morning so I can take another look."

"Yeah, we'll see," Ash said. "Can we go?"

The doctor sighed, but nodded. She felt like Shepard did when he made a good landing, ecstatic. Feeling anything again...it was good, but a bad good. It was strange, to say the least, and still needed some getting used to. Going out with Shepard, Garrus, and Grunt today introduced her to a whole lot more feeling than she was ready for. She was kind of glad Chakwas was restricting her to the ship until her leg healed, but at the same time, irritated she couldn't go with the Commander to the prison ship with their next recruit.

"And Williams?"

 _God, just shut up!_ Ashley wanted to hit her again, but she didn't. "Yes, doctor?"

"Chambers would like to speak with you once you're done in the briefing room."

She squinted at the doctor, but held her tongue in favor of grabbing her crutches. The Commander patiently waited for her at the door, watching as Ashley's face went through several emotions in a span of a few seconds, including anger and hurt, and some betrayal. He didn't comment on it, however, remaining silent during their walk to the elevator. Once the door was shut, that was a whole different story.

"Why would Chambers want to speak with you?" Shepard asked.

"Because Cerberus doesn't like me having free will," Ashley spat, bristling. "They want to finish what they started, and the best way to do that is to have the psychiatrist convince me I was lucky to be picked for this bullshit."

His brows shot up. "Have you talked to Chambers at all? She's not like that."

Ashley groaned and rolled her eyes. "You're so naïve."

"You're the one that told me not everyone in Cerberus is bad."

"I did?" He nodded. "Then I was even dumber then than I am now."

He sighed. "And what's the real reason Chambers wants to speak with you?'

"Chakwas is utterly convinced I need to talk to someone about what happened to me," Ashley said, unable to keep the resentment from her voice. "And I don't. I'm fine. I'm recovering on my own."

"Ash..." She recognized that voice. He'd used it on her before, especially when she was acting like a moron. Usually when they were discussing her distrust of aliens. "It's been a little over two weeks. How in God's name you think you're recovering is beyond me. We've only talked two or three times since we got off that station, and every time, you seem like you're in worse condition than the last. Do you even hear yourself sometimes? Doesn't it bother you that you just don't care anymore?"

"No," she said flatly. _Stop lying to him._

"I think you need to talk to Chambers," Shepard said. "Or someone."

She snorted. Thankfully, the elevator opened to the CIC, and she went straight for Mordin's lab, not even sparing Kelly a sideways look. Shepard jogged to catch up, falling in step on her right. To his credit, Shepard didn't say anything where the salarian could hear, but waited until they were in the hallway outside the briefing room. He cornered her, trapping her between the wall and his body, and gave her a stern look.

"Ash, please. I'm worried about you," he said.

She arched a brow. "No concern for yourself, Commander?"

"I've got more important people to worry about," he said softly. "You've been giving me the cold shoulder since you came up to my cabin and we talked about what happened to you. You punched Chakwas' window hard enough it shattered, and believe me, Grunt and I tried to see if that's even possible. _He_ can't leave a mark on that glass, Ash! He's a krogan, and he can't crack glass you easily shattered! You broke your hand punching the hell out of one of our supply crates, and it healed in a few hours after Chakwas realigned the bones! What the hell has gotten into you? That's not the same woman who sat in the Hammerhead the other day and made jibes at Garrus like nothing ever happened. Now you're arguing with Chakwas about your injuries and acting like you don't even know me."

She stood up a little straighter, surprising as it was to her, and glared right back at Shepard's worried expression. "Because I don't, Commander. I can remember things, but they don't feel like they're my memories. Like...they don't belong. Like _I_ don't belong in them. You want to pretend nothing happened, but something did happen. I died. You died. I was killed by Saren's geth, and you were killed when the SR-1 was shot down."

His eyes narrowed. "Is that what this is about? Virmire?"

"No!" she snarled. "This...I... I don't know! Maybe! Maybe I can't quite get my head around how the same man who admitted to having feelings for me could leave me to _die!_ "

Shepard reeled, looking as if she'd hit him. "Ash—"

"Don't 'Ash' me," she snapped. "I'm not in the mood." And with that, she pushed him out of the way, storming into the briefing room as well as she could with her leg.

He joined her shortly thereafter, adopting a professional look as he said, "Joker, patch us in."

"Took you guys long enough," he grumbled. "What were you doing, making out in the elevator?"

"Patch us in," Shepard repeated, more sternly.

"Yeah, yeah," the pilot said. "Brace yourselves. He sounded pissed."


	6. Chapter 6

Recognizing something you shouldn't was never a good sign. As soon as Ashley saw the star behind the Illusive Man's console, her eyes narrowed. Something was wrong. She thought back to her time with the Lazarus Project, every single shred she could remember. It was beyond painful. Her mind screamed at her to stop, but she focused anyway. Every little second, every breath, every punch or kick to the gut, and nothing. The star made something in her head click, but she couldn't place what. Whatever it was, it was familiar, and that's all she got out of it.

"Operative Williams."

She gnashed her teeth. The Illusive Man. He was talking to her like she was a child, enunciating every syllable. But even though she wanted to snap something, her response still came out as, "Sir?"

"Ah, good. I thought one of your...enhancements was malfunctioning." She felt Shepard's eyes on her, but she held the Illusive Man's gaze, leaning on one of her crutches. "I understand Doctor Chakwas and Mordin Solus removed one of the implants installed in you. One of the more vital ones, if I remember correctly."

All that she could say was, "Sir."

Shepard was definitely staring at her now. _Fuck._

"Report on it." He glanced at Shepard, adding, "Please."

And there it was. She had no idea what was happening. Words were leaving her mouth she didn't understand, she was standing straighter than she should've been with that ankle, and she was still talking even though Shepard told her to stop. Everything she saw came through a red haze, but when she realized she still knew who the Commander was, still felt that weird skip-beat thing in her chest by thinking of him, she found what she needed to snap her jaw shut.

"Finish your report, Williams."

Ashley squeezed her eyes shut, took a deep breath through her nose. She was sagging on her crutches again. Something about that have her strength. "I don't report to you."

He cocked his head to the side, eyes narrowed. Tapped his cigarette on his ashtray, took a puff, a good long one. It was her turn for her eyes to narrow. "Interesting."

"What's interesting?" Shepard demanded. "What the fuck did you do to her?"

The Illusive Man bounced his foot, the one crossed over the other. Ashley felt her muscles coiling. This call was out of the blue, and already as weird as shit. Recognizing his office? Calling him "sir" even though she wasn't activated? No, Ashley didn't do weird. Weird stopped at cracking Chakwas' glass.

"There were certain...enhancements added to Chief Williams, Commander," he said, giving her this odd stare like he was...analyzing things, weighing possibilities she didn't understand. Then again, she didn't understand a lot of things anymore. "I'm sure Miss Lawson informed you of this. According to Williams here, she did herself."

 _I told him about that?_

"What kind of enhancements?" Her turn now. _She_ wanted to know what Cerberus had done to her. None of her memories were adding up with the things Shepard said. Torture, yeah, that worked with the memory wiping. It was part of it. Breaking glass a krogan couldn't break, though? Healing at an astronomical rate? Sweet freaking Jesus, it was like Cerberus was trying to make super soldiers, and were using her as a test dummy.

"Physical ones," he replied coolly. "Accelerated healing rates, boosted immune system, things that you wouldn't even begin to understand."

"No shit," Shepard snapped. "What else?"

He took another breath of his cigarette. That cigarette was getting on her nerves. Her fists clenched around her crutches. "Project Virmire, and Project Citadel."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Look into them, Williams," he said. "Project Lazarus was dedicated to bringing back Commander Shepard, not you. Did you really think you were the root source of Lazarus? It wasn't designed until the _Normandy_ was destroyed. You...were a plan from the moment we heard of your events on Virmire." He gestured to Shepard at the end of that statement.

"And you're just letting me look at this?" she demanded. "That's a load of crap. The last time I got into your databases, I was nearly killed on sight."

"Who told you that? Jacob?" Ashley shrugged. She didn't remember. "Plenty of lies have been composed so it would work itself out."

Shepard stepped forward. He was about as pissed as she was, which was a good sign. Then she wasn't getting worked up over nothing. "If you lied to her, why give her free reign to find the truth now?"

"You think I want to waste my resources, Shepard? Williams was designed and remade for a purpose, as were you. The difference is, you didn't require any additional parts and training. You were good enough from the start." He shifted that unsettling blue gaze of his back to her. "Williams was not. The only way to test if the scientists succeeded would be giving her the opportunity to understand."

"And when I understand?"

Cigarette puff, tap on the ashtray. Holy hell, but that was annoying. Cocky bastard. "Then you will be reacquired and Miranda's work on you will be completed."

She bristled. Whatever Miranda and the Lazarus Project had done to her, it apparently wasn't what she had thought. Her best guess, the Illusive Man gave Lawson just enough information to answer the demands she'd have when she awoke...if she awoke. Lawson probably had nothing to do with everything that happened to her. _Son of a bitch._

"Shepard, before you go..."

"Fuck no. I'm not working with you Cerberus assholes anymore."

"...there's another human colony. Intel suggests it will be the next to be hit by the Collectors. Head to the coordinates and investigate it once you've recruited Jack."

Then he hung up, like he just expected them to do as he told.

Ashley's shoulders were hunched and she was leaning on her crutches more than she should've been, but she was still furious. Something needed to be hit, and hard. Hard enough to break another bone? Probably not. She'd be forced to go to the med bay to see Chakwas _again_ and she didn't need to be scolded to the point she'd want to choke the woman. What was left of her rational mind told her Chakwas was only looking out for her. The rest of her hated the woman with a blazing passion.

"Ash?"

She didn't look at him. She was too busy glaring at the spot on the wall where the Illusive Man had been seated a few moments ago. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For whatever I said in there. I..." She frowned, shifted her eyes to his. Gray, with flecks of blue, exactly as her damaged mind remembered. "I wasn't myself."

"What happened?" he asked.

She shook her head. "I don't know. One second, I was getting ready to tell him exactly where he could stuff one of these stupid crutches—" A small smile played across his lips, but she didn't return it. "—and the next I was spitting things out I don't even remember."

"You called him 'sir' several times, Ash," Shepard said.

Another frown, pained thinking. Remembering anything was painful, no matter how recent or if it was still even there. Every time she replayed those last few seconds of her life, she had to stop or she would kill someone.

She opened her eyes, but was on the floor now, propped up against the wall. Shepard was sitting beside her, brows crinkled in concern, and was giving her plenty of space. "That's the second time you've done that, too."

"Done what?"

"Concentrated on something so hard I thought you were willing it to spontaneously combust," he teased. That damnable smirk of his tugged at the corner of his mouth, and she had this sudden, inexplicable urge to kiss the damn grin right off his face. She sucked in a breath and looked away.

"I was thinking," she said quickly, trying to cover up the way her breath hitched.

"About what?" Shepard didn't seem to have noticed, or was just kind enough to drop it there.

"Trying to remember," she amended. "In the call, I was trying to remember why I recognized his office."

His brows shot up, now that she was looking at him again. "Really? Did you...?"

"No, I don't know why," Ashley said. "Just now I was trying to remember when I called him sir. It must've been when I spaced out."

Shepard's face was riddled with concern, just like before. "I really think you should sit down with Chambers for a bit."

"What?" She looked at him like he'd grown a second head. "How can you say that after what the Illusive Man just said? Cerberus isn't on our side, Commander. She's going to—"

"For God's sake, Ash, for five seconds, forget she's with Cerberus," Shepard snapped. "Take a minute and figure out why sitting down with her is such a bad thing. And _don't_ use the Cerberus thing against her. You've been through a lot, regardless of whether or not what you remember was from the Lazarus Project. It'll help, I promise."

"I can't trust Cerberus," Ashley said. It came out more like a plea that he understand than a statement of fact.

"Do you trust me?"

"What?"

Shepard shifted a bit, twisted so he could fix her with that impossibly intense stare of his. "Do you trust me, Ashley?" He used her full name. Nothing good ever came of that. It was always Ash to him.

 _Since when the hell do I remember that?_

"I...don't know," she admitted. "But if I trust anyone, yeah, it's you."

"Then talk to Chambers. Just this one time. I'll talk to Chakwas and see if she can be your vice afterwards." He looked away then, scratching at the base of his skull. He seemed...embarrassed? "Or, y'know, you could always come talk to me. I have a vague idea of what you're going through, and...we're..."

"Friends," she said.

He let out a sigh of relief and visibly relaxed. "That's a lot better than what I was expecting you'd say. But yeah, we're friends, or whatever. I don't know. Anyway, you can come talk to me. I told you that back when you came up to my cabin. I know you, and you know me. Don't you think it would be easier to come talk to me than someone else?"

"You're always busy," Ashley said. "And...I'm afraid something might set me off. I don't want to hurt you...Shepard."

"I trust you to not hurt me, Ash, or I wouldn't have asked if you wanted to come get those spheres with us."

She smiled. Nothing big, nothing really noticeable, but it felt good. A sigh escaped her lips and she climbed to her feet with the help of her crutches. "Thanks, Shepard. I'll talk to Chambers, but after that, I'm _your_ problem."

He grinned and got to his feet as well, steadying her when she swayed. "Hey, if I wasn't happy to deal with you, then I wouldn't have offered." She nearly laughed, but decided heading out to deal with Chambers and her bullshit Cerberus crap was a priority, if only to get it over with. They were terrorists, and they just...took her body from wherever she had finally stopped breathing. She would _never_ trust Cerberus, or any of its people. "Hey, Ash?"

"What?"

"Do you want to check out those projects the Illusive Man mentioned? Because...we can, after we head out to that colony."

She hesitated. Did she _really_ want to know what was happening to her, or was she satisfied with having dangerously violent urges? Could she live with herself if she passed up the chance to figure out what Cerberus did to her?

After a moment of contemplation, she nodded. "Why do you ask?"

"Because it could matter to you, and if it did, then it matters to me."

"Comman— Shepard. How...how close _were_ we?"

He shrugged, but didn't make any move to get closer to her. "Close enough that leaving you behind broke my heart."

Ashley swallowed. _You are so fucked, Williams._


	7. Chapter 7

Did he _ever_ feel like an idiot. _Why did I say that?_

The look on her face before she left...Shepard was regretting his choice of words as soon as they left his mouth, but that expression made it worse. _I'm_ _such an idiot._

With a sigh, Shepard resigned himself to a long day, and started making his way to the bridge. He made sure to pass through Mordin's office instead of the armory, checking on how his camouflage against the Collectors' Seeker swarms was coming along, skillfully avoiding the way Ashley went after she left him standing there. Even while he talked with Mordin, he still found his thoughts drifting back to how stupid and abrupt that was, how unfair saying that was. He hated it, hated himself. As if he needed another reason to hate himself.

"Sequencing almost finished, Commander. Should be ready when needed."

"What was that?" Shepard asked, absentminded. He was looking at the stars behind Mordin, lost in thought about how big of an ass he was. "I'm sorry, Mordin. I was thinking about...the mission."

"Of course, Commander," the salarian rattled. "Said shields will be ready soon."

Shepard nodded, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Good work. We'll be needing it immediately after we pay for Jack. The Illusive Man's got a hit on a potential target for the Collectors, and we're going."

"Know location?"

"That's what I'm going to ask Joker when I get there," Shepard said.

Mordin looked back down to his laptop. "Almost done. Talk some other time?"

"Yeah, I'll see you later." He wasn't fully there when he said it, and Mordin seemed to notice, smiling in amusement as the Commander retreated to the CIC. When he exited the salarian's office, Chambers was nowhere to be seen, evidence that Ashley had taken Chakwas' advice at his urging. Thinking of that reminded him of what he said a few minutes ago, and he scowled firmly at the floor. Him and his stupid mouth; it always got him more trouble. If the look Ash gave him was any indicator, she was probably more than happy to go to talk to Chakwas over him, maybe even Chambers.

Shepard sighed. _Mission first._

That was what he told himself when he made the call to leave her on Virmire. It was stuck in his head, every night, every waking second, Shepard found something to remind himself of that damn planet. Of all the bad calls he ever made, Virmire was probably the worst. But even if he'd left Kaidan instead, it was just as likely that Cerberus would've grabbed him and had a powerful biotic over Ashley's...whatever it was. _Good soldiering skills? Pfft, now I just sound like an idiot._

He wasn't sure which would be worse.

Shaking the increasing worry he began to feel for Alenko, Shepard slapped on his Commander face and strolled into the bridge, where Joker was animatedly arguing with EDI over something. He didn't pay much attention to it, slapping his hands down on the back of Joker's seat hard enough to make the pilot jump.

"Mother—"

"Don't finish that," Shepard ordered.

The pilot snorted and turned back to his console. "What did you need, Commander?"

"The Illusive Man is sending coordinates our way," Shepard answered. "It's a colony."

"Collectors hit it?"

"Not yet, no," he said, dropping into the copilot's seat. Not that they had one; Joker insisted on flying the ship solo. "Though it's up on his list of potential targets. I'm guessing it's a big one. Check them out, let me know."

"Hang on," Joker said. The man pulled up another screen, flipped through it a little. "Yeah, I got them. EDI?"

"Coordinates are for a human colony on Horizon," the AI answered immediately. Her bubble-like hologram reappeared over her console across from Joker. "Reports indicate an increased Alliance presence in the area, Commander."

That caught his attention. "How increased? What's going on?"

"Data is unclear, but it assumed to be they are setting up planetary defense systems under the surveillance of Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko."

"Kaidan?"

Joker and he exchanged glances before the pilot made a "pfft" noise and returned to his job. "Gotta say it now, boss. Don't recommend bringing Williams."

"That's not your decision, Joker."

He put his hands up in surrender. "Just my personal recommendation. Between you and me, I think Garrus gave her that stick he had shoved up his ass. He's a lot more fun than she is. And..." He drew out the 'a' for a moment, then paused. "There's also that Cerberus thing. Y'know, the crazy part."

"I'm well aware of the risks Williams presents, Flight Lieutenant," Shepard snapped.

"Hey, hey. We're all friends here."

"Debatable," Shepard quipped, flashing him a smirk.

Joker made a face. "Nice, Commander. Real nice."

He laughed and shook his head. "Yeah, I thought so too. Anyway, after we dock at this prison and bring Jack aboard, I want you to enter the coordinates for Horizon. If the Illusive Man's intel is good, we're going to have to get there, and fast."

As Shepard started back to the CIC, Joker stopped him. "Commander?"

"Yes, Joker?"

"All due respect, sir, but..." He sighed, took off his hat and wiped off his forehead on the back of his arm. "Do we really need another crazy woman on the ship? Williams is crazy enough. Now you want to add a biotic with an attitude?"

"We need all the help we can get," Shepard said.

"Do you even want her on the ship?" Joker asked. "We can drop her off in Alliance space." The look he turned on the pilot spoke volumes of how furious that made him. "Look, all I'm saying is she needs help. I like Ashley too, but there's nothing we can do for her on the _Normandy._ She's a danger to the ship and to the crew, and to anyone who looks at her funny."

"That's my choice," he snapped. "This is my ship. You follow _my_ orders."

"Aye aye, sir."

He could tell Joker wasn't happy with his lack of care for his concerns. Shepard didn't care; it wasn't anything he hadn't already told himself, but he wasn't letting her get taken by Cerberus again. He _refused_ to lose her. Not a second time.

"Shepard, Operative Lawson is requesting you meet her in her office," EDI said, interrupting his train of thought.

 _Of course she is,_ he thought. "Tell her I'll be right down."

"Yes, Commander."

Swallowing his irritation, he gave Joker a nod and made for the elevator. His hands went back into his pockets and he walked along, ignoring the crew as they worked or moved around the deck. They hardly paid him any attention, save a few salutes here and there, and he was happy with that. Many of them were good people, but he couldn't get past the fact that they were with Cerberus. Talking to the Illusive Man, and then Ash... Every time he talked to either of them, or Miranda, it reminded him of why he hated the radical organization. Jacob and Chambers, however, they offered a whole new perspective. Not everyone joined to blow up aliens and experiment on marines. Some did, but not everyone.

He jammed his finger into the button to the crew deck furiously. The doors slid shut, and Shepard found himself clasping his arms behind his back as if at attention. It had become a habit for him after boot camp; every time he was irritated, he either crossed his arms, or stood at attention. The latter was simply because his drill instructor had been an ass. Any time he got irritated, it was because of the damn man. Nowadays, it could be anything, but he still dropped everything like he was talking to a superior.

 _Alenko's a higher rank now,_ Shepard realized. For some reason, it brought a smile to his face. Maybe they'd start dropping important decisions on him instead of the Commander. That'd be nice for a change. Maybe he could stop leaving people behind.

He sighed as the doors opened. Leaving people behind? He was good at that, but saving them? No.

Chambers was waiting for him, looking a bit...tired, when he stepped from the elevator. "Problem with Williams?"

Her head snapped up. "No, sir. Well...not on my end. She's in the med bay again."

"What did she do now?"

"Threatened Howard with a shotgun down the throat," Kelly said, rolling on the balls of her feet. "And told me I was a Cerberus bitch trying to plant information in her head."

His brows rose. "Why?"

"I asked her what she could remember from your escape of the Lazarus Project."

"And her threat to Howard?"

"He told her to take a few breaths and calm down."

Shepard pinched the bridge of his nose, groaning. "Maybe...Joker was right."

"About what, Commander?"

"He thinks we should leave her in Alliance space," he said quickly. "Get her the help she needs."

Kelly frowned. "But you think that's asking the Illusive Man to pick her back up."

He nodded, eyes downcast. "I can't lose her again."

The yeoman took a deep breath and hit the button to call the elevator back. "In my professional opinion, Commander, you would be smart to keep her on the _Normandy._ "

"Thanks, Kelly, but—"

"She's under enough stress as it is," she continued, ignoring his warning. "I don't blame her for hating Cerberus. From what little she told me before going off, it sounds like the Illusive Man wanted her to hate us. Dropping someone that volatile back into the thing that caused it..." Chambers shook her head. "You get the idea."

"Yeah," he said. "And...thank you."

"It's my job, Commander," Kelly said, stepping into the now present elevator. "But do us all a favor, and find a way to get her to talk to me again."

"I'll see what I can do."

The doors closed, and he was off to Miranda's office. It was a short walk, quick and brief, and he still had to fight the urge to look to the med bay. He couldn't help it; every waking second for him was worry for her. Shepard stole a glance to the glass, saw her sitting on the same bed as usual, talking to Chakwas while the doctor ran more tests.

He hit the lock for her door. Lawson was at her desk, on her laptop like everyone else, with her brows furrowed in concentration. "Commander."

"You wanted to talk." It wasn't a question.

"Yes," she said, gesturing to the chair across from her. He didn't sit. "We need to discuss several things."

"Oh, really?" Arms crossed. "Like what?"

"Like what we plan to do on Horizon. What _you_ plan to do about the woman threatening the lives of the crew and the ship."

"I am _not_ getting into this with you, Lawson," he snarled. "I can't do anything about Ash. You want someone to blame, look at the man you take orders from."

He turned on his heel and marched right back out, headed for the small bar installed in the observation deck. Getting drunk...that seemed like a good solution right now. Drink it all away and pretend none of the universe existed, none of it except the bottom of his glass.

It didn't take long for him to end up passed out on the couch. Not even three shots of liquor and he was done, too tired and pissed to keep going, and too stressed to even muster the energy to fill his glass again. So he laid there, drifting in and out of consciousness, grumbling whenever it ended in him having a nightmare.

 _"Commander, we gotta go!"_

 _There was a crack, and the marine fell, blood spilling out of his chest._

He rolled onto his stomach, eyes snapping open and focusing on the floor right by the window. Elysium, watching his men die. _Fuck._

When Shepard's eyes closed, he saw a beach, tents, knee-deep water, salarians. Too many rocks. Then he was there again, and he could feel the wind tugging at his hair, smell the storm on the air, see their faces staring at him.

 _"And tell your marine to drop her gun."_

 _He turned; Williams had her assault rifle leveled at Wrex's chest. Every part of him said he should be mad, irritated that she was so willing to point a gun at a teammate, but in the end, all he could really do was shake his head and laugh._

 _"Can't help it, Wrex."_

 _The krogan grumbled something under his breath and took another shot at the rocks. The blast from the shotgun sent pebbles bouncing off his head and spray over his sweat-soaked face. It felt good._

He slapped himself, trying to wipe away water, but there was nothing there.

"God dammit," Shepard grumbled.

Someone laughed. "Looks like I'm not the only one with problems."


	8. Chapter 8

"Drunk on duty, Commander?"

He cracked an eye, honing in on the woman sitting by the window. "I'm not drunk, Ash. Just tired."

"I'd hope not," she said. "There's barely anything missing from that bottle. I thought you had an iron constitution."

Shepard sighed, rubbed a hand across his eyes before sitting up. "Why are you here?"

She shrugged and leapt, literally, to her feet. "Chambers told you what happened, then?"

"Yeah."

"I, uh...went back and apologized a few hours ago," Ashley said, pacing around behind him. It sounded like she sat at the bar, and Shepard turned to see what she was doing. "All she said was I should talk to someone I trust, someone who I know and who knows me."

"I told you that you could come talk to me," Shepard said. He stood, taking his glass with him, and returned to the bar, standing across from her with a brow raised. "As a matter of fact, I told you that twice."

She nodded. "No, I know that."

"Then why haven't you?"

"Because it's only a matter of time before I snap at you, too," she said smoothly.

Shepard frowned, then arched a brow. "Let's try something, then." He grabbed the bottle of liquor from the other end of the bar, gave her a glass, and said, "No questions about Lazarus, or whatever the hell Cerberus did. Questions about each other, that's it. Every time I ask, I take a shot, and vice versa."

A smirk crept over her lips and her face lit up, bright, excited, and determined. The change in her usual demeanor made him grin as he filled their glasses. "How many have you had already?"

"Just three."

Ashley's brows shot up. "Three? What are you, a teenager? I expected better, Commander."

She knocked back one, motioned for him to refill it. "Shepard," he corrected. "Just Shepard."

"Getting all informal on me?" she teased, swallowing the second without a blink.

"I could get all formal, _Operative._ "

Ashley gagged, much to his amusement. "Okay, let's not."

He chuckled, waited for her to even their count before setting the bottle aside. "All right, Ash. First to pass out loses."

That same fiery determination came back. "Oh, you are _so_ on."

"Ladies first."

"Hmm...all right," she said, sitting up a little straighter. "What were you dreaming about when I came in?"

She took her shot, but Shepard didn't answer straight away. Instead, he looked away and frowned at his hands, flexing around the edge of the island. He felt her gaze on him, intent and focused, but how was he supposed to answer that? Lie and tell her it was just some random nightmare, or tell her the truth and say it was about leaving her on Virmire? Or could he just cheat and take two shots for his question rather than one?

He sighed. It was always better to be honest with Ashley; she had a way of sensing his lies from a mile away. "Virmire, actually," he said confidently. Her eyes went wide, her telltale sign of getting ready to pry for more information, but he took his shot and asked, "Why'd you come down here?"

As Shepard refilled their glasses, he could see multiple emotions cross her face as she tried to figure out how to answer his question. It seemed neither were going to go easy on the other. A grin came over his lips as her face settled on a confused expression.

"I was worried about you," Ash said. And before _he_ could pry, she knocked back her next shot. "So why haven't you kicked me off your ship yet?"

"Because I trust you," he decided aloud, not putting any thought into the response. He didn't have to; that was pretty much the whole thing right there. "And I don't want the Illusive Man getting his hands on you again." Another swallow, this time it tasted sweeter. "Why were you worried about me?"

"EDI may or may not have mentioned that you were drinking, and I wanted to make sure you weren't drinking because I upset you." He refilled her glass, and by the time he was pouring his next drink, she had already swallowed hers. "Why _were_ you drinking?"

"Lawson pisses me off," Shepard said simply. It was the truth. "She called me into her office once I was done checking the coordinates for the colony we're headed to tomorrow, and demanded to know what I was going to do about you." Ashley just shrugged, nodding, and took the bottle of liquor for herself. "If you hate Cerberus so much, why are you still wearing that suit?"

"It's useful," she replied, making sure he took his turn before she finished answering. "It works with my...upgrades. I want to get hit with a rocket again? It transfers my shields to a concentrated point so my armor doesn't get damaged. I want to pull a krogan out of a pit to hell? The support material is made for high-stress use."

He smirked, nodding. "You could always paint over the Cerberus colors."

"I could," she agreed. "But that would feel...wrong, so I leave it alone." It was Shepard's turn to shrug. "What are my sisters' names?"

"Abby. Lynn. S—"

"Sarah," she finished, staring down at her shot glass.

"You remember Sarah?"

There was something sad about the way her shoulders hunched. "I remember telling you about her. Other than that..." Ashley trailed off with a sigh, filling her glass without need, and knocked another back. "I don't remember anything before Eden Prime, Comm— Shepard. Remembering Eden Prime is a stretch."

"I thought you could only remember your time on the Normandy."

A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. "Nightmares help with it, weird as it sounds. I have nightmares about geth shooting down friends I don't know, or civilians I want to pity, but can't." She shook her head. "Anyway, your turn. Ask away."

Shepard took a shot, then another to match her count. "You remember that conversation we had where you told me a Williams has to be better than the best?"

Her head snapped up and she arched a brow. "Is that a challenge?"

He grinned. "Maybe, maybe not."

Ashley laughed. "I'm going to kick your ass."

"That so?" Shepard retorted, dragging the other stool to his side of the bar. He pushed the liquor and his glass to the side, slapped a hand on the island. "I'm an N7. Best training in the galaxy."

"I can out-fight a krogan," she retorted. "And they're the best soldiers."

"Well now we're gonna have to see that in action," Shepard said. "And none of that special armor shit. You have to do this barehanded, just like a _real_ marine."

She pouted. "And here I thought I already had an unfair advantage."

"I'm still going to win."

Once she'd stripped out of her armor and into her casuals, something Shepard liked to watch more than he should admit, Ashley took her seat and propped her arm up on the table. "You are going _down,_ Shepard."

He reached up and caught her hand in his own, sticking his other arm behind his back. "I'll try not to wound your pride, princess."

"Screw you." He flashed her a cocky grin, flexed his fingers, and watched as her eyes narrowed on his upper arm. His muscles rippled, but she only rolled her eyes. "Show off."

"Gotta get your attention somehow," he teased.

"Oh, you've got it already," Ashley said absentmindedly. "Now put your money where your mouth is and kick my ass."

For a brief second, he had to shake the sudden rush of heat spreading from his fingers to the rest of his body. Did she just admit...? No, he's still an idiot.

"Ready, Ash?"

"Hit me with your best shot."

Shepard couldn't help the grin breaking out on his face. There was something distinctly stupid about what they were doing that reminded him of the times they goofed off on the SR-1. Granted, those times were typically spent with Kaidan as well, but every time the three of them did something, it always involved him and Ashley doing something beyond stupid that Kaidan had to drag them out of.

The Commander put all of his strength into shoving her arm over, but she didn't budge. Ashley sort of just sat there, watching him exert his energy into slamming her hand into the table, brows raised as an amused smirk tugged at her lips.

"You remember that glass, right? Chakwas' broken window?"

She didn't give him the chance to answer, instead choosing to snap her hand down. Shepard's knuckles rasped painfully off the table. His hand whipped back to his chest so he could shake it out, but all Ash did was laugh. It wasn't her old one, the carefree thing that was perfectly adorable, but more of an amazed "I told you so" kind of thing.

He flexed his fingers and rolled his knuckles. "Damn, woman!"

"I—"

"Say I told you so and you'll pay for it," Shepard interrupted.

That got her attention and she sat up straighter, folding her hands together on the table. "And how do you plan to do that when I'm stronger?"

He just winked. "I have my ways, Ash."

"Are you flirting with me, Shepard?"

"Yes, no, maybe so. Who knows?"

She rolled her eyes and got to her feet. "I forgot how much of a _pain in the ass_ you are...sir."

"That's _Commander_ Pain in the Ass to you."

"Fine, Commander," she said, marching back over to her black and white Cerberus uniform. He watched while she put it back on, slipping and sliding into each piece with practiced ease. Once she was finished, she went back to the small end table by the doors for her helmet, and brought it with her to the bar. When she sat, she sighed, and started fiddling with her hands. "I lied."

"Huh?"

"About why I came down," Ashley said. "Sort of. Not really, but...I wasn't being completely honest."

"You? Lying? You're joking."

"No. No, I'm not." She reached back and pulled her bun loose, letting her hair down before running her hands through it. Shepard just stared, concern starting to wrinkle his features and worry blossoming in his chest. After a few minutes, Ash was still sitting there with her hands in her hair, sitting upright solely because her elbows were taking all of her weight. He wanted to do something for her, reach across and ask if she was all right, or take her somewhere she could sleep in peace, but he felt disturbing her would cause even more trouble, so he simply sat and watched, waiting for any change in her demeanor.

Against his better judgement, he said, "We can't have one moment, can we?"

A bitter laugh escaped her throat. "I'm sorry. This is my fault." She sat up again, but hid her face from him, holding herself upright with a hand on her forehead. "I should've left it alone. This is my fault. My fault my fault my fault..." She kept repeating that under her breath until she started shaking, and that's when he really started getting nervous.

He reached across the table and slowly, carefully, he grabbed her hand. "Ash?"

"It's my fault," she whispered. Once, just once, the mantra came out louder, and she whipped her helmet across the room in a fit of rage. "It's my goddamn fault!" Then she was on her feet, kicking the stool over, and Shepard leapt up, crossing the bar until he was on the other side. By then, it was too late, and she was kicking various things in the room, wringing her hands through her hair, hyperventilating.

"Ash?" he repeated. "Ashley?" She drove her fist into the wall hard enough he _heard_ something snap. "Hey! Ash, no, stop!" He went up behind her, grabbed her arms. He was surprised that she let him.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, voice cracking. "I'm so sorry. It's my...my fault. All of it."

She shook him off and sunk to he floor, curling her legs up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them, and hiding behind her knees. Shepard crouched in front of her, trying to block out the damaged apologies while reaching for the hand she probably shattered again. He ran his thumb over the back of her hand gently, feeling for anything out of place as best as he could. Nothing he could see or feel was damaged. Not physically, anyway.

This wasn't the woman he knew. She had been strong-willed, painfully stubborn, and independent before Cerberus got their hands on her. Now...he didn't know. She had her moments when she was herself again, and then there were moments like these. He didn't understand any of it; she was blaming herself for something, but there was no way he'd be able to get a coherent answer from her. Not until she relaxed.

As he watched, completely and utterly helpless as she fell apart, he realized what it was about Cerberus that he hated. Ashley was one of theirs now, whether she wanted to be or not, and they still didn't care about her. Six billion credits, secret projects, enhancements that would kill anyone else, and Cerberus still didn't care. As long as the Illusive Man had control of her, her well-being didn't matter. Unfortunately for him, the last... He glanced at the clock. An hour or so. They'd been goofing around for an hour. And unfortunately for the Illusive Man, the last hour was evidence to the level of control she was gaining over her problems.

Shepard sighed when she stopped rocking back and forth, released her hand.

She took a shaky breath. "I'm sorry."

"For what, Ash? You haven't done anything wrong."

"They're dead because of me," she said. "All of them. If I'd been quicker, they might be..."

Understanding dawned in his eyes. Flashbacks, probably his fault for letting her drink with him. It she'd been trying to tell him something, hadn't she? About why she really came to the observation deck, and about how she lied.

 _Ashley doesn't lie._

"Your unit?"

"They're dead. I... The geth... It's my fault." Her head fell back against the wall, and he could see the streaks of fresh tears on her face.

 _Ashley doesn't cry._

He got closer, sat beside her. "It's not real, Ash. It's okay. You're safe."

"I shouldn't have come here," she muttered. "I should've known better."

"Ash, it's okay," he repeated. Shepard put his hand on her shoulder, and for the first time since her panic attack started, she acknowledged his presence. The next thing he knew, her arms were around his chest, and her face was buried in his shoulder.

"I got them killed."

"No, you didn't. It was the geth."

"If I'd known—"

"You couldn't have known. No one knew about Saren and the geth. How were you supposed to know?"

"I should've protected them."

"There's nothing you could've done."

"Have you?" she asked. "Lost men before, I mean."

He nodded. "A lot of my men died during the Blitz. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish there was something I could've done, but you have to understand that sometimes, soldiers are meant to die."

"It doesn't make it easier," Ashley said.

"No," he agreed. "It doesn't." She didn't reply, but she didn't make any chance to move either, so Shepard remained where he was. "Is that why you came down here? To ask me about your old unit?"

She hesitated, but he felt her nod. "Then we started talking, and it just...came crashing down. I'm sorry, Shepard."

"Don't be."

"I'm better than this. Cerberus shouldn't be able to do this to me."

"It's all right, Ash," he whispered. "It's all right. Once we've dealt with the Collectors, we're taking this ship and we're hunting the Illusive Man down. He won't get away with this."

"Thank you," she breathed.

"Whatever happens, I'm here for you," he said. "I've got your back."

Ashley pulled away from him, drawing her brows together as her eyes met his. For the first time, he noticed the small flecks of bronze splashed through her irises, and he couldn't help thinking it was beautiful.

"Shepard?"

"Yeah?"

"If...I tell you about my nightmares, will you tell me about yours?"

He frowned. "My nightmares are nothing to be fussed over."

She gave him a sad smile and, surprisingly, reached up to brush his bangs out of his eyes. It was an oddly sweet gesture coming from her, but not unwelcome. She ran her hand back down his cheek, running her thumb over his cheekbone. Her touch was light, but it was still the best thing he'd felt in a while, and he leant into her hand. This time, her smile wasn't as sad.

"I know what you dream about," she admitted. "And if you're going to insist I get help, I'm going to insist you get help."

"Well," he said, "that's what we have each other for, isn't it?"

Ashley smiled again. It was sincere, a mixture of sadness and being content and...something that was dangerously close to affection, but it was still a smile. "I might be a mess, but so are you."

"I'm just better at pretending I'm not."

"It's a deal, then?"

He nodded. "It's a deal."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:** **I just wanted to say thanks for all the support this story has been getting the past few days! The website is finally posting reviews again (I can finally read them!) and it means a lot that you guys are enjoying this as much as I am. Hope you continue to, and I hope you like the chapter!**

* * *

"Stay on the ship."

He could see the irritation buried in her eyes, but Shepard refused to back down. They were docking on Purgatory, a Blue Suns prison, at the Illusive Man's suggestion, to purchase Jack, a powerful human biotic. The funds had cleared, but Jack was yet to be released, and docking to pick her up was necessary. Shepard didn't like it whatsoever, and if he didn't, neither would Ashley. He and Garrus had barely made it up to the airlock before she appeared, fully armed.

"You're not going in with only Garrus backing you up," she said. "And I'm not sitting here when you're walking into a ship full of mercenaries that are ready to kill you."

"Lawson's coming, too," Shepard said. "She has the necessary clearance to deal with the transaction if need be, and she knows what she's doing." Ashley bristled at that. "And besides, Chakwas has you on ship duty because of that ankle. Stay here."

"I'm _fine,_ " she retorted. "You're going over there to finalize Cerberus' recruitment of a _criminal,_ Shepard. A criminal with freakishly powerful biotics. You need me."

"If we're putting this to a vote, I'm with her," Garrus chimed in.

Shepard ran a hand down his face, only moving when he heard the sound of Miranda's footfalls, stopping alongside Ashley. He removed his hand to see Williams giving Lawson a dark look, but still waiting for the go, no go. After a minute of debate with himself, running down as many outcomes as possible, he sighed. "All right, let's go. But if this thing goes south, stay behind me."

Ash rolled her eyes, but nodded. "Try not to strain yourself, Commander."

He elected to ignore that comment, waving the three of them after him as he exited the _Normandy_. The walk through the docking tube was brief, landing them at an elevator leading to the upper levels of the ship. Shepard gave an annoyed sigh, but hit the button, and the four of them piled in. Miranda was on his right, Garrus behind him, and Ash in between. Theoretically speaking, she actually had the best spot, affording her enough space to snap either of their companions' necks should the need arise.

Shepard could imagine her doing it right now without batting an eyelash.

* * *

"Are you _fucking_ serious?"

"Those shields look pretty damn serious to me, Commander," Ashley quipped over the comm.

He groaned. "One more smart comment, and I'll shoot you myself." He heard her laugh, just barely, over the gunfire crackling overhead. A bullet hit the metal railing just behind his head and he winced, leaning forward to rub the sore spot. "Where the hell did you get off to?" Garrus was across the room from him, making his way up to a viewing platform that led straight to the warden, a turian named Kuril. Son of a bitch intended to sell them off for his own personal gain, just like he was doing with Jack. And Miranda was a few feet away, taking shots at the nearest generator for Kuril's shield bubble.

He cursed at the creaking above him, rolled out of his cover as a steel support beam fell to the floor. In a fit of irritation, Shepard released Jack on the ship, which was now being destroyed from the inside out thanks to her biotic abilities.

"Generator," she said after a moment. "To your right."

Deciding to push his luck, Shepard lifted his head just a bit, looking in the indicated direction. The energy beams firing up toward Kuril were leading back to three generators, scattered around the room. One was a couple feet away, the other to his left in the direction Garrus was headed, and another was to his right, in the direction Ashley claimed to be going.

The sound of a shotgun being fired reached his ears. It was close, probably aimed at Lawson. Her pistol went off not long afterwards, quickly followed by another burst of shot. He readied a charge in his fist, watching in the mild fascination that never went away, and popped up from cover, throwing the purple energy towards the merc with a shotgun. It toppled him over easily, clearing up his line of sight. While Miranda dealt with the unarmed merc, he aimed his shotgun for the generator's weak point. It only took a few shots for the thing to crash in on itself, falling back to the ground with an electric pop.

"Go help Garrus!" he ordered, pointing up to the deck he was fighting his way through. Miranda nodded without a second of hesitation while he backtracked, headed for the path Ashley was following. He had to squeeze between a couple storage containers before he could reach her. When he was through, he looked up to see a heavy mech lining up a shot with its missile launcher. It didn't take much thought to figure out who it was aiming at.

Fistfighting a turian, back to the mech. _Fucking hell._ "Ash!"

As soon as the turian went down, the mech fired its launcher. It clipped her shoulder as she went to turn, sent her flying into the far wall. She didn't get up.

Infuriated, Shepard wasn't exactly sure what happened after that. He felt himself draining the energy of his barrier, heard his in-suit alarm going off, but he didn't care. Taking a running start, Shepard leapt and slammed his fist into the floor right beside the heavy mech. His biotics sent out a wave of flashing energy, toppling the machine and breaking Kuril's generator, and launching any mercs unlucky enough to be within the blast radius.

He pulled his shotgun back out, storming over to the struggling mech, and let out a shot into its head. It exploded, and the rest of its body went limp. Satisfied, Shepard holstered the weapon and went to check on Ashley, but as soon as he got anywhere near her, he heard the familiar sound of shields falling. Sure enough, when he looked, Kuril's protective barrier was gone, and he was focusing his fire on Garrus and Miranda.

"Ash?" Shepard crouched beside her, rolling her onto her back, and let out a breath he wasn't aware he was holding when she reached up to deal with her helmet. The visor went from black to clear, and her mouthpiece slid back into the pockets, revealing a very pained, but very alive, Williams.

She groaned, pushing herself up onto her elbows. "What happened?"

"The mech got you with a rocket," he said.

"Again?"

"Yeah, you should probably stop that," Shepard suggested, smirking.

"Commander, you—"

A shot rang out, and not a second later, he felt something rip through his shoulder plating just as his barrier regenerated. Too stunned to do anything, he sort of stared at the hole in his arm. Another shot, this time to the chest. It didn't go all the way through thanks to that damn barrier, but it still got past it.

And _damn,_ did it hurt.

Ashley was on her feet the next instant, taking his handgun and firing it in Kuril's direction as she got her free hand around the collar of his armor. He felt something hot and sticky pouring down his chest, but it just made him colder. Behind him, up, wherever, he could hear Ashley firing her assault rifle again, focusing on dragging him out of the line of fire.

Shepard forced his head up despite the pain coursing through his body. Kuril was crouched behind a metal railing similar to the one he'd hidden behind earlier, but it seemed to be sturdier, withstanding all the bullets Garrus and Miranda shot at it. He figured Ash would've hit him by now, but she was far more focused on keeping Kuril from firing at either of them again, and getting him to safety.

"Shit!" She popped her clip, went to reload.

Kuril sighted at them. One shot, right to Ashley's chest. She went down. Another to Shepard, right in the gut, followed by one to the leg.

He let his head fall back, looking for her. She was fine, obviously; she was moving again in a matter of seconds, now completely focused on dropping the son of a bitch shooting at them. If he had the energy, Shepard would've watched before she got out of sight, backing away to the side, unloading. Lucky her; her shields didn't die on her like his barrier did on him.

Once there was a break in the gunfire, he heard running feet. Armor scraping as someone slid across the floor to his side. _Oh God..._ He was seeing red, literally. There was a coppery taste in his mouth.

"Shepard?" He blinked, focused his vision on the pair of brown eyes staring down at him. "Shepard?" His eyes drifted shut. "No, no, no, no! Keep your eyes open! Come on, stay with me!" Breathing hurt.

Somewhere in his ear, another voice was saying, "Normandy, this is ground team. Commander Shepard is gravely wounded. I repeat, Shepard is severely wounded. Have Doctor Chakwas on standby."

"God dammit!" The visor for his helmet was hit and it closed over his face, but he didn't remember it ever being opened. "I can't do anything here. We have to get back to the ship."

"Then let's go!"

His arms were moved. Someone grabbed his leg, picked him up and carried him like a ragdoll. Faintly, just faintly, he remembered carrying a friend like this out of a life-or-death situation, but his brain was too foggy to remember any details. All he could get out of it was more pain, centered in his chest. Not...physical pain, not really. Something else. It hurt more than his wounds.

The last thing he saw was black and white armor.


	10. Chapter 10

Fear started welling up in her chest just as she started getting hot. God, it was so hot. In a matter of seconds, she was sweating.

Something out of place jolted her awake, but she remained where she was, leaning over the hospital bed and feigning sleep. A few seconds later, Ashley readjusted herself to the waking world, deciding that the source for the noise was talking. The voices were familiar and soft, barely even whispers, and came from the opposite end of the room. She couldn't understand what they were talking about, but she didn't care to. Most of her worry was directed at the sleeping form on the bed. He'd been shot multiple times, in just about every part of the body, and had lost a lot of blood by the time they were able to get him back to the ship.

It went against her better judgement to start moving, but she did it anyway. Things seemed to work out for the best when she went against her "better judgement." Maybe because it had been tampered with by Cerberus.

Ashley yawned, stretched. It felt good to move instead of just sitting there. Unfortunately for her, she'd forgotten her own injuries, and stretching pulled at the bruise forming on her shoulder and upper arm. Fighting the urge to wince, she stood and prodded at her ribs. When they'd gotten off the Blue Suns ship, Ashley had gone straight to the med bay with Garrus, dropping Shepard onto one of the beds before collapsing on another. Chakwas had started fussing over him immediately, allowing one of the medics to deal with her, and both of them had insisted on wrapping her side, where Kuril had shot her. The bullet had gone right through, however, and it was a waste in her mind, considering she'd be healed by the time she woke.

 _Too bad bruising doesn't seem to do that,_ she thought bitterly, glaring at the purplish blue skin covering a large part of her torso.

She glanced at the door and the two people talking. Chakwas nodded in greeting before returning to her argument with Lawson, who barely spared Ash any attention whatsoever. Another yawn, accompanied by ruffling her own hair. It was down for sleep, but she went to pull her hand from Shepard's to pull it back into its usual bun. She was awake; it was time to get the day started.

His fingers tightened around hers, but relaxed almost instantly. She smiled faintly and tugged her hand away, and Shepard caught her wrist. His eyes were open now, brows furrowed. He was frowning at her bruised knuckles and arm, and probably at the pain slowly registering all over his body.

"What happened?" he asked, forcing his eyes to meet hers. There was something...off. Their usual light was gone, and he looked haunted.

"You were hurt," she said. "Kuril shot you a few times." Ashley swallowed, looking back at Chakwas and Miranda. The latter actually looked concerned, whereas Chakwas had that typical professionalism every doctor wore. The concern from Miranda was surprising; all of the impressions Ashley got of the woman was a bitchy, cold asshole. Maybe she could change...

Her head snapped back around to Shepard. There was no changing a person like that. She was probably worried about her project failing. All that work having been for nothing... Ash might've laughed had Shepard not been what Miranda was so worried about.

"A few times...or a lot," Ash amended. "Four or five shots. They, ah...all hit pretty vital spots."

Shepard sat up a bit, draping an arm over his ribs as a pained wince escaped him. Part of her wanted to help him, but she remained where she stood, watching with the emptiest expression she could manage. It wasn't much; seeing him hurt...it was hard. "You got me back to the ship?"

"Single-handedly," Lawson said, eyes following the marine's movements. "Any help we offered was shot down."

He smiled up at the woman beside him, reaching over to brush his thumb over her knuckles. It sent small tendrils of pain back up her arm. Slowly, he threaded his fingers through hers, and even though she squeezed his hand when he squeezed hers, she was still glaring daggers at the Cerberus officer. Miranda didn't seem to care, however, and was more concerned with discussing coming matters with the Commander.

"Joker is bringing us towards Horizon," she continued.

Shepard raised a hand to cut her off. "Wait, slow down. What about Jack?"

"She's in engineering," Ashley said.

"It was difficult to get her to agree to our terms," Miranda said.

Ashley's expression darkened as her eyes shifted from her and Shepard's hands to Miranda. "If you weren't trying to flaunt Cerberus in everyone's face, you _might_ be able to convince people that there was some merit to your organization."

"I wasn't flaunting anything, Williams," she retorted. "I was explaining how the ship runs."

"If someone tried that with me, I'd have gotten just as pissed off as she did!"

"You're different-"

"The _only_ difference between me and Jack is she's a biotic," Ashley snarled, yanking her hand back from Shepard's. "You don't think there's a reason she hates Cerberus? Are you putting Cerberus _above_ abusing biotics, too? What, they just grab corpses and revive them now?"

"You were an isolated case."

" _Shepard_ is proof I wasn't an isolated case!"

"When the Lazarus Project began, none of the team members had any knowledge of you or your existence."

She stormed around the bed, straight for Lawson. Vaguely aware of the bluish purple energy crackling in one of the woman's fists, Ash kept going regardless. She was seeing red, blue, all colors of the rainbow. It was like lights, flashing behind her eyes, screaming at her to hurt something. Singing, pleading, _begging_ for blood.

All too late did she realize what was happening. Her control had slipped by then. The colors and voices were fading away, leaving behind nothing but cold emptiness. It was like a drug, and when it was gone, she felt no need to keep going, not without the sweetness of the singing. She let go as the world slowly grew black.

* * *

When her eyes opened again, she didn't recognize where she was. Bound to a chair, wrists tied down to the armrests with cord.

 _Oh God..._

Panic began to worm its way into her mind. Clear cord, so tight that any movement would split her skin, and the smell of blood all over the room. Dark save the faint light leaking beneath a door to another room. Something that looked like glass just out of her line of sight, positioned perfectly so that she'd never know what it truly was.

An electronic squeal split the air and she cringed, flinching down to hide her head and ears. "Do you know where you are?" The whine of the voice made her want to cry. It felt as if her ears were bleeding. When the intercom crackled, a high-pitched ring reached her. It was so deafening that it caused her physical pain, made her head feel like it was about to burst. Her head fell back as she sagged into the chair, fingers digging into the metal, screaming. Trying to scream, but can't hear it. Her throat felt raw when it finally faded.

"Do you know where you are?" the voice repeated. It sounded faintly familiar, an accent her father had described as American, somewhere on Earth. The memory flashed through her mind, and before she could realize she remembered her father, the voice came back. It was masculine indefinitely, so familiar that it helped slow her heart rate when she focused on it. "I can't help you until you answer the question. Do you know where you are?"

Her head fell to the side, resting on her shoulder as she panted, eyelids fluttering. Her chest was heaving. "Y-yes."

"Where are you?"

"The...the room," she panted. "The first thing since...Virmire." Ashley sucked in a deep breath as another memory flashed behind her eyes. "It was bright the first time."

"What happened in this room?"

"I don't know." She shook her head. "It...it hurts to...think of it. I can't."

"Yes you can." That was a new voice, just as familiar, but far more comforting. A Canadian accent this time. She only knew what it sounded like because one of her squadmates had told her about his home back on Earth. "Come on, it'll help us."

Her fists clenched. "Why the _fuck_ would I want to help you?"

"Because if you don't, Cerberus is going to kill all of us," the first voice said. "And I highly doubt they'll be bringing you back to life again."

The voices ceased speaking to her while they waited for her answer. Whomever it was, they wouldn't be getting any answers out of her. Cerberus might've started this, but they were continuing it, and they couldn't be trusted. If they had her here, they wanted something. Whatever they wanted, they would be sorely disappointed; Cerberus had hurt her so much over the years they had her that nothing these amateurs could do would make her talk.

"Sucks for you, doesn't it?"

"Tell us what Cerberus did to you."

"I don't know!" she shouted.

"Your memories have been restored!" a third voice exclaimed furiously. Ashley cringed again. She felt tears stinging her eyes, but she refused to say a word. "We know you remember everything, Williams! Spit it out so we can do something about it!"

"I don't know what they did!"

"Seeing the room triggered a physical and neural reaction," the third speaker continued. "You made a connection when you recognized it. You've been here before and you know what happened here. Tell us so we can get you out of there."

"Go to hell!"

"Ash, please!"

She felt her chest constrict at the use of her nickname, but she remained firm in her convictions. "I'm not telling anyone anything." They didn't come back for a while. "Why am I here? How did you get me here?"

The answer didn't come for quite some time. She sat in silence, glaring at the beam of red light filtering beneath the door. It seemed as good a thing to be mad at as any. "You attacked Miranda."

 _Miranda?_

"Garrus had to restrain you while you were loaded with sedatives," the second speaker continued. "They didn't knock you out, but they helped calm you down until Miranda could recover and stop you. You spent the half hour ranting about singing and colors, Reapers, Collectors, Cerberus, everything. Even when she did try to shut you off, you still responded like the thing Cerberus was trying to turn you into."

"What?"

"You said you heard voices. You were talking about the Reapers and how the Illusive Man was trying to find ways to control them," the voice said. "So we hacked the Illusive Man's personal database from Lawson's computer. Project Citadel? Project Virmire? They had higher clearance than the Lazarus Project. Miranda didn't even know about them." There was a pause. Ashley was still trying to process what was going on. It hit her like a wall, but that didn't make it any clearer. "The Virmire Project was the recovery of anything in Saren's breeding facility. All research, any geth parts, those indoctrinated salarians even though they were dead..."

She swallowed, squeezed her eyes shut. "Shepard?"

"Reaper tech can survive a goddamn nuke," he said, as if confirmation of her suspicions. "Especially that shit they found near your body."

"They ran scans of your corpse, Ash," the original speaker said. "It... I don't even know what to say."

"Let me out of here, Shepard," she snapped.

"I can't do that," he said. "Not until you tell us what happened in that room. It's important."

She couldn't let them steer the conversation. If she did, she'd never get out of this room again. "What did the scans show?"

"You tell us," Shepard ordered.

"I don't... I can't..."

"Yes, you can," he repeated. "I know it'll hurt you, but it's important. We can't trust the information we have unless you confirm it. It's just that ridiculous."

Ashley swallowed again, sat up and forced herself to relax while leveling a calm stare at the wall directly ahead of her. She took a deep breath, allowing it to fill her lungs until she couldn't breathe anymore, and let it out. Her heart rate was starting to gradually slow, giving her the chance to relax a little. She trusted Shepard even if she didn't like the situation, and to get out of the situation, she had to do something to help them. Had she not been trying to think, she might've thought of herself as an idiot for being so scared of her own memories.

"What if it happens again?" she asked, closing her eyes. Calm.

"That's why you're in the chair," Shepard answered. "You can't hurt anyone while you're in there."

"I can get out of this room," Ashley said. "I can get out of this chair. It won't be hard, Shepard. Do you really want to do this?"

"It's important, Ash."

She sighed, but nodded. It didn't matter if he could see it or not; if she said she'd do something, she'd get it done whether or not someone thought she could. It was a promise, and if Shepard said it was important, it had to be done no matter the cost.

Thinking past the current events still carried the same pain from before. It felt like someone had taken a chisel and wedged it just behind her eyes, and was twisting it. The pain made thinking harder. Getting to her own thoughts past the Cerberus feelings was more difficult than basic training, but once she did it, she wished she hadn't. She remembered sitting in that same chair, being hit with batons until she got pissed enough to snap her restraints and fight back. She remembered being interrogated and wondering why they were doing it when Cerberus already owned her. She remembered more beatings, screaming, blood loss so great that any normal human would've died. She remembered the Alliance uniforms the men beating her wore, intending to ingrain it in her that it was the Alliance's fault.

Then when it started getting too hard and too painful for her to continue, there it was. A doctor in a Cerberus uniform. Balding, in a white labcoat with Cerberus colors on the chest pocket. Another man was behind him... Asian? She felt like an outsider looking into her own mind. It was...foreign. The feeling that had swelled in her chest wasn't something she was accustomed to feeling when looking at Cerberus. Recently, all she'd been able to remember was accepting the damn terrorists. Seeing that doctor had pissed her off.

He started talking to her, asking her what she could remember from Virmire, asking her about Saren and the geth and Sovereign, if she knew anything about this indoctrination the Reapers extended to their victims. He asked about her family, the _Normandy,_ Commander Shepard, Kaidan Alenko, Captain Anderson, anything she could possibly know about the Alliance as a Gunnery Chief. Then he immediately shifted topics back to the Reapers and indoctrination. The way he focused on that, always managed to direct the conversation back to the Reapers, gave her a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. Same feeling then, and same feeling now. There was something wrong about that doctor, and that Cerberus agent clad in black. She couldn't see either of their eyes, but the one in black had some sort of visor covering his; orange lights were being emitted from where his eyes were.

The doctor asked why she thought he was so curious. She'd only stared. And when he said it, Ashley could feel tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Oh _God,_ " she choked, leaning so far forward that it hurt her already injured shoulder.

"Ashley?"

"If you're smart at all, you'll just put a bullet in my head now."

"What is it?"

Her blood was boiling. It had to be wrong. It _had_ to be. How could it be right? How could she...?

"Ashley? Ash!"

"The Reapers!" she exclaimed, yanking on her hands. The cords snapped and she leapt to her feet before kicking the metal chair across the room. It slammed off the one-way glass, but she didn't care. She buried her fist in the wall. "God fucking _dammit._ You have the reports, don't you?"

"...Yeah."

"Then you know as well as I do that I have Reaper code embedded in my DNA."


	11. Chapter 11

"Sit there."

"Are you going to tie me to this one too?" Miranda shot her a look over her shoulder and Ashley snapped her mouth shut, sighing. "I...shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry."

"You're apologizing?"

"Surprisingly."

Miranda looked like she was smiling. Almost smiling. Ash didn't get it, but she wasn't going to complain. "Roll up your sleeve. I want to run your blood through the systems here. The abnormalities would've been flagged before they shipped you off."

Ashley just did as she was told, setting her arm out on her lap while Miranda finished up with what she was doing. They were in the infirmary, separated from the rest of the abandoned Cerberus facility they now occupied. Shepard was still working with some of the locals and the _Normandy's_ crew to get all the systems up and running; certain rooms got power first, like the ward and the server room.

"How can you work for something like Cerberus?"

Miranda didn't answer. Instead, she turned and held Ashley's arm up by the wrist, sticking the needle into the inside of her elbow. Only when she had a small vial of her blood stuck in the medical equipment did she turn back around.

"Cerberus has kept me safe from a life I never wanted," she said. "With the way I was designed—"

"Designed?"

"I have countless genetic enhancements," she said dismissively, waving it aside for emphasis. "But when I came to Cerberus, it was a mutually beneficial arrangement, and the Illusive Man has put me to work on most of our more...difficult projects."

Ashley's brows furrowed. "That explains Shepard."

"If you're trying to ask why the Illusive Man brought you back too, I don't have any answers for you," Miranda said. "He kept you a secret from me. I didn't know you were being transfered to the Lazarus Project until you were already on the station."

"I thought you were his second," Ashley said.

"But at the end of the day, he's in charge, and I'm not."

"You have to have some idea."

The computer beeped and the Cerberus officer turned away, focusing on the test results. "You would think he'd have this on file..."

"What?"

"The results," Miranda said. "There's obvious evidence of the Alliance's standard genetic enhancements, but..." She hit a few keys and stepped aside. "Blood cells don't look like that."

Ashley leapt to her feet to get a better view. "Jesus."

When Miranda said the blood cells were deformed, Ashley was _not_ expecting that. Purple, distorted...looking like they had little veins running over their surface. Seeing it reminded her of husks.

"When you were recovered from Virmire, you were found near Reaper tech."

"Yeah, Shepard said as much."

"You don't remember it?"

A sardonic smile tugged at her lips as she watched the blood cells on the screen. "I was trying to find a way to not get blown up. I might've been willing to die, but that doesn't mean I _wanted_ to. I just... Priorities." She shrugged. "Getting Shepard and the ship to safety was the first. Getting rid of Saren's facility was the second. Once I knew I had the chance...I ran." She shrugged again, forcing her eyes off the monitor to Miranda's. "I don't remember much after that, even with my memories. I'm not sure I'd want to, either."

"Fair enough," Miranda said. For a few minutes, both of them mutely watched the screen. Ashley was disgusted. Miranda...she didn't know what was going through the woman's head. All of her memories told her that the Cerberus agent wasn't trustworthy, hated her, and that she was nearing the fanatical point of devotion to her employer. But over the last few days of sitting and ransacking this facility, Miranda had almost been...friendly. Well, not quite, but she was less vocal about her faith in Cerberus.

"You should find Shepard." Miranda nodded at the door. "I'll send this back to the ship for further analysis. I imagine you have words for him and the others."

Ashley felt herself nodding even though she wanted to remain in the infirmary. Seeing what was inside of her was oddly enticing, and not in a good way. Whatever was wrong with her wasn't Cerberus' fault, but the Reapers' genetic mutation. Cerberus just grabbed her and went from there, reviving and shaping a damaged mind.

"If you find anything even weirder than that, I want to hear about it."

"You will."

"Then I guess I'll be going," she said, glancing around the room one last time. "And Miranda?" She looked up from her computer. "Thanks."

"Don't go getting soft on us now, Williams."

"I can still drill you at a hundred yards."

"Good to know."

That said, Ashley turned for the door and marched out into the hallway. It was dark enough she needed a flashlight, but after the walk down here, Ash was confident in her knowledge of the layout. Regardless, she still pulled out the small light in her pocket and clicked it on before heading back up to the main complex. The direction opposite of the one she went in led deeper into Cerberus' facility, areas of the tunnels and base she'd never been to. Briefly, just briefly, she considered turning around and checking it out, but she dismissed the thought. Getting the base up and running was Shepard's priority, so it was hers, even if there was a human colony out there that potentially needed their help.

She jogged up a flight of stairs to the makeshift crew quarters they were using. Bedding had been dropped from the ship and set up in the room; as she passed, Garrus flashed her a turian's version of a grin. He was on the floor, listening to Jacob's explanation of blackjack while Zaeed called them boring pansies. Damn merc. Ash was still trying to figure out why Shepard picked him up on Omega.

Jack barely spared her a glance as she strode out into the storage room, but she heard the biotic follow her. The motion activated door slid shut behind them as Jack jogged to catch up.

"Smash her face in?"

Ash gave her a sideways look, but kept walking. "No."

"Shit, princess. That's not any fun."

"I told you to stop calling me that."

Jack shrugged. "Whatever, princess. Not my problem."

"Are you trying to piss me off?"

"See you lose that pretty head of yours? Yeah. So what?"

Ashley groaned and ran a hand down her face, shaking her head. "Leave me alone, okay? I'm busy."

"Whatever," Jack repeated. "Do yourself a favor, princess, and get that stick outta your ass." Then the biotic left her standing there, heading off one of the subbranches to God only knows where. If she wanted to think about it, she could probably figure out where she was headed, but she didn't care either. Instead, she just continued her walk up towards the reactor room. Aside from their sleeping quarters and the med bay, the reactor room was the only one that was really powered. The rest of the facility was either as dark as it was underground, or it was lit by windows.

After shoving the door back into the wall, Ashley climbed another set of stairs, and jammed her finger into the lock. It hissee open without fuss, and then she saw Shepard, conversing with someone she didn't recognize.

Her hand cautiously drifted towards the handgun on her hip. This was the first she'd seen of the locals, humans apparently, as the Commander didn't want her roaming the planet alone. Had he been all right with it, Ash would've probably already left to see what else was out there. Then again, she might've run into the colonists, and that could've been...awkward.

"...can send a few engineers later in the week," the man said as she joined them. "We can't spare any of our men while the systems are being installed."

"That's fine," Shepard said, sighing. "I understand. The colonists come first. And if our intel is any good..."

"We'll be needing those defense systems," he finished.

"Exactly."

She stopped next to Shepard, frowning at the stranger's uniform. Blue and black, dirty, informal. "You're in the Alliance."

Shepard's head whipped around to her, but the marine only smiled and nodded. "Yes ma'am. The Navy is trying to extend some safety to our colonists in the Terminus Systems."

"Terminus Systems?" Ashley glanced at Shepard out of the corner of her eye. "What planet are we on?"

"Horizon, ma'am," the marine said. "Staff Commander Alenko is heading a garrison force tasked with the defense of the colony."

Her jaw nearly dropped and _her_ head whipped to face _Shepard._ "We're on Horizon?"

The Commander nodded grimly. "Think there was a reason the Illusive Man wanted us to get here so badly? He probably wanted the data stored in this base, and he can't exactly get to it with Collectors crawling all over the planet."

"Makes sense."

"Painfully so," Shepard agreed. He returned his attention to the marine. "Head back out to your truck. Williams and I will head back to the colony with you in a few minutes."

The marine stood at attention. "Yes sir!"

Once he was gone, she turned her gaze on Shepard, brows going up. "All right, you got me. Very funny, saying you'll bring me."

"I'm sorry?"

"You can't be serious. You've spent the last few days keeping me inside, but now you're going to let me run free when Scuttlebutt's here?"

He grinned, much to her irritation. "There she is."

Ashley rolled her eyes. "I don't get you, Shepard."

"Nothing _to_ get, Ash," he said. "I think it'll be good for the both of you. Kaidan hated seeing you locked up in that room and you need some fresh air before you blow a gasket."

"Wait...Kaidan was here?"

Shepard nodded, folding his arms over his chest. "He was the first one to talk when you woke up. He helped us find the place."

"Can't imagine he was happy to see me."

"Couldn't say for sure," Shepard replied, heading for the door. Ashley followed him, falling in on what she realized had been her usual place to his right. "Kaidan's a private man, and after showing up in a Cerberus vessel, he's probably annoyed with me just as much as he's shocked about you."

"Annoyed? That's downplaying it a bit, isn't it?"

"Nope. The Alliance has reports on me being with Cerberus, not you. He's 'officially' here to help with the GARDIAN defenses, but Alliance command got word the _Normandy_ might show up here, and Kaidan was relocated with a squad to hold Horizon."

"A lone squad isn't going to be much use against a whole ship of Collectors."

"Then we better hope we get those guns online before they show up, yeah?"

She nodded, stopping beside him when he reached the door to his private quarters. "Sir?"

"I'm not bringing you for a cakewalk, Williams," he said. "I've read the reports on your training here and at Lazarus. Advanced combat exposure and tech training. Brain activity off the charts, able to solve puzzles most geniuses can't get."

She scratched the back of her head. "I'm not sure I follow."

"We're going to get those guns online, understand? Today. We're not losing another colony." Ashley nodded. "Better suit up, Ash. With our luck, the bastards will show up while we're there."

"Yes sir."

Just as she turned away, he said, "And Ash?" She paused, waited. "Cut the formal crap. Neither of us are Alliance anymore."

She shot him a grin over her shoulder. "You're still my captain, Shepard."


	12. Chapter 12

_One more fucking rock, I swear to God._

Shepard was beginning to understand his crew's dislike for his driving skills. The way the corporal drove, it reminded him of all the times Ash begged him to let her drive.

 _"Do you even have a driver's license?"_

 _"A what?"_

The marine floored it as their Mako sped over a hill. They launched forward, pivoted, and spun in an arc, landing with the rear of the vehicle facing the direction they were headed. Shepard braced himself on the wall and the seat next to him, smacking his fist off Ashley's helmet. He imagined she'd be pissed if she wasn't holding onto his chest plate for dear life.

"Just between us, Commander, but I actually think he drives worse than you do," she said quietly over their radio.

Before Shepard could respond, one of the other marines spoke up. He was in the passenger seat, fully armed and armored, and had a cocky grin on his face all the time. There was a rifle across his lap, but Shepard would be damned if he'd ever seen its equal. "How's it going back there, Commander?"

"Fine," he replied, not taking the time to process the awkward position the lieutenant was catching him and Ash in.

"And you?" he asked, looking to Ashley.

"Fuck this, I'd rather walk." She paused and watched as something passed over her expression. "Sir." After moving his hand off her head, Shepard patted her shoulder comfortingly, but Ash swatted him away, much to the lieutenant's amusement.

"Don't defer to ranks," he said casually, waving it aside. "Besides, I checked out your file after Commander Alenko told us who we were dealing with. You're a higher rank than me anyway."

"I am... _was_ a Gunnery Chief," she said, confused.

"Yeah, then after you died, you got promoted. Like...a lot," he said, making a gesture with his hands. "Promoted to Operations Chief for Eden Prime. Promoted to Second Lieutenant based off your associate's degree and your actions on Virmire. Promoted to First Lieutenant at Councillor Anderson's request. Something about helping your family pay for various things."

"I never got a degree from anything."

He shrugged. "I don't know, then. As far as I'm concerned, you deserved it. You deserved promotions too, Commander, but..."

"I'm a Spectre. I don't need any more promotions."

The Mako was jerked to the side as the corporal swerved past a boulder. Shepard's head banged off Ashley's, and he was suddenly glad they both had their helmets on. He heard her visor snap shut as they collided, including the surprised yelp that escaped her lips.

After they recovered, Ash shoved him off her, slapping the button to remove the visor. "Stop touching me, Shepard."

"Can't help it," he replied, groaning as his head bounced off the wall. "Gotta...make up for lost time."

She choked, caught between laughing and being disgusted, and the way she hid her face while she laughed made it all the better. The lieutenant was gaping at them, eyes wide and mouth agape, but Shepard was busy trying to process what just left his mouth.

"Well..." Ashley eventually straightened, taking off her helmet to wipe tears from her eyes, and said, "It's not against regs now."

"This is getting worse by the second," Shepard countered.

"Hey, you started it."

"Technically—"

He was cut off by the crackle of the Mako's comm. "M-35, this is command. Do you copy? I repeat, do you copy?"

"We hear you," the lieutenant said, flipping a switch on the panel in front of the driver.

 _Something's wrong,_ Shepard thought.

"We have contacts attacking the colony. There are husks and some form of...insects. I—"

"Kaidan, it's Shepard." He had unbuckled himself and climbed to the front of the vehicle while he was speaking. "We're about five clicks away. What's your status?"

"Commander? God, this has gone to hell fast, sir. A ship landed a short while after Stavs and Traken left, and ever since, we've been fighting for our lives. Most of the colonists are gone, but a few of us are holed up in the—"

It fizzled out and he could see the panic flash on the lieutenant's face as he scrambled to pick the signal back up. Behind him, he could hear Ashley getting her weapons, and he decided it would be a good idea if he did the same. He squeezed past her towards the weapons locker, pulling his shotgun and assault rifle from their brackets. His handgun was already clipped to his hip, but he checked for it anyway, and grabbed extra thermal clips before sitting back down beside her.

"Dammit!" the lieutenant exclaimed, hitting his hand off the wall. "I can't raise them."

"You know how to use that gun, lieutenant?"

"Sir?"

"There's an enemy ship on-site and hostiles are attacking the colonists," Shepard said, checking his shotgun. "The Illusive Man believes it could be the Collectors. They're the ones behind the disappearing colonies."

"That's the best guess."

"Whoever it is, we're going to be fighting," Shepard continued. "Ash, when we get out, raise the _Normandy_ and tell Joker we have a situation." She nodded. "Take point while we move through the colony. Anything that isn't human, blow it to dust. I'll be right behind you. Lieutenant, you take the corporal and cover our flanks."

"I don't know, sir. The colony is pretty straightforward. Is it really necessary?"

"Husks are surprisingly smart," Ashley said as she pulled her helmet back on, locking the visor shut. "Or they're just extremely lucky. They show up even when you've cleared your corners."

"I...yes, ma'am," he said slowly.

Shepard frowned as he hit the lock for his own visor. The officer looked...apprehensive about something. "What's wrong?"

"It's just that I'm a sniper, sir," he said. "I've never been in open combat. I stick to support roles."

Shepard opened his mouth to reply, but Ashley interrupted him. "You're a marine. You go where the Alliance needs you to go and do what the Alliance needs you to do. And you do it without arguing because that's what you're paid for." The lieutenant gulped, but nodded, turning back around in his seat. She might've been right, but that wasn't the way Shepard would've put it. As a matter of fact, it didn't sound like something Ashley would've said either.

He nudged her with his elbow and whispered, "That was a little harsh."

"It needed to be said."

"Are you all right?"

Ashley started to say something when the corporal swerved. The Mako wasn't made for such jerky movements; he swerved again and Shepard felt the ground shake under an explosion. There was a third swerve, accompanied by another bang outside the vehicle, and then another, much closer, right in front of the driver's small window. Across from him, a deafening pop collided with the wall and threw them backwards. They hit something, flipped over it, and landed upside down. He was lying on his back on what was now the floor, along with the corporal and the lieutenant. Ashley was trying to pull herself free of the harness holding her to her seat.

"Where'd it come from?" he growled out, hand clamping down over his shotgun. Shepard pulled it closer as he coughed, wiping a streak of blood from his eye. Minor, split skin right at his hairline.

"Don't know, Commander," the lieutenant replied. He sounded as pained and stuck as Shepard felt.

Ashley landed with a thud, groaning, just as another shot hit the Mako. It tore straight through the armor, cutting it like glass, as the yellow beam of God knows what shot right back out the other side. Gunfire peppered the weak point, small and barely noticeable, bouncing harmlessly off the intact areas of the Mako's plating.

Shepard swapped out his shotgun for his rifle, maneuvering past Ashley to the hole allowing light through. He smacked the butt of his rifle off the edge, making it just wide enough for him to see _and_ shoot out of, and braced himself for the coming fight. Behind him, Ashley and the lieutenant were arguing over the corporal (who had apparently been killed in the crash) instead of working on getting them out of the damn truck.

"Ash!" He sighted on one of the brown forms weaving between the rocks, pulled the trigger. Its head exploded in a fountain of clearish-green fluid.

"Commander?"

"Get us the hell out of here!"

"Yes sir!"

Shepard took down another of the insect-like things, the Collectors, while she climbed onto the roof. He glanced back to make sure she was following the same idea he was; holding herself up by the seats, braced by a foot, and kicking out the hatch. Whatever the lieutenant was doing, it wasn't helping much, mostly just shouts into the radio about a man down. Between the incessant banging of Ashley's kicking, the continuous firing of guns, and the lieutenant's panicked shouting, Shepard started to wonder why he signed up for this shit. He could've gotten off his mom's posting whenever he wanted, but instead, he took an oath, and he was damn well going to live up to it.

He ducked as the metal was pelted with more rounds, but when he straightened to return fire, he saw one of those yellow lasers coming right back at them. This time, it was aimed for his position, which also afforded a clear shot at Ashley. Completely oblivious, focused on getting the Mako open.

Shepard lunged, locking an arm around her waist and yanking her down not a moment too soon. The beam shot straight through the torn hull and hit the hatch, blasting a smoking hole the size of his fist through the metal. Ashley shoved him off as soon as it was clear and got right back at it, fortunately managing to pop it out with only a few more hits. She dropped back into the Mako and went to the back, rooting through the weapons locker for whatever, and Shepard took his opportunity to get the lieutenant moving. His hand locked around the light suit he wore, dragged him from the radio, and threw him into the body of the vehicle.

"Climb!" he ordered, pointing at the exit. That seemed to snap the man back into reality and he did as told, hauling himself and his rifle from the now smoking Mako, and dropping off to the side opposite of the Collectors. "Ash, let's go!"

She was stuffing something into a field bag, but he didn't get sight of what it was. "Get out of here! I'm right behind you!"

He didn't hesitate to put his assault rifle on his shoulders and get through the hatch. He didn't wait to help her out either, even if he wanted to. Shepard leapt to the dirt beside the lieutenant, resorting back to his shotgun, as the man loaded a thermal clip into his rifle. A moment later, Ashley dropped to the ground between them, holding something that looked dangerously similar to a live grenade. It was out of her hand before Shepard could ask, whipped over the top of the Mako. The Collectors paused their shooting for a brief second, but that was all they needed to hear the grenade go off. It crackled, letting off a brighter than usual light, and Shepard frowned.

"The fuck was that?"

"Inferno grenade," Ashley panted. He could hear the grin in her voice. "Cerberus tech. Found it the other day in the armory."

"You don't just stumble across tech like that."

"Maybe I helped come up with it," she said, shrugging as she pulled another from her bag. "Maybe I didn't. Either way, they're dangerous, and you don't want to be caught in the crossfire."

"Thanks for the tip," Shepard replied, shrugging off his rifle. The lieutenant was still watching around the front of the truck, which gave him a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. "What is it?"

"Uh...sir? That ship, it's...massive."

He and Ashley exchanged glances before jogging around to see what he was talking about. As soon as Shepard's eyes landed on the vessel, his jaw nearly unhinged. "Oh. My. God." He was in awe, sure, but a disgusted version of it. Seeing something so huge...it reminded him of the Reapers.

"You thinking what I'm thinking, Shepard?"

"Reapers?"

"Yep," she answered.

"We better get to that colony, fast."

She nodded as the lieutenant stood to join them. "Scuttlebutt's gonna need some help with that thing."

Shepard turned back to the Collector ship, eyebrows furrowed. Something about that ship stirred a primal hate in his chest; he couldn't explain it, but finally seeing the Collectors, finally seeing the enemy they were fighting, it put everything into perspective for him. Now there _was_ an enemy. Now they had someone to fight. Now he had someone to blame for the missing humans.

Then he saw Ashley standing beside him, that same grim determination she had marching into Virmire. No fear, no hesitation, and he remembered why he was able to make that call. Because the mission always came first, because their lives were second to the fate of the galaxy. They signed up for the Alliance knowing the risks. They swore to uphold humanity's core values, and they swore to protect each human being like they were family. They were to die instead of the humans back on Earth, or the humans here. It didn't matter, but it was _their job._

Seeing an enemy gave him that resolve he needed to leave Ash on Virmire. Failure wasn't an option now, just like it wasn't when they were fighting Saren. The Collectors couldn't keep taking colonies. And he'd make sure they'd stop, one way or another.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:** **All right, so I made a stupid mistake. Every three chapters is supposed to be either Shepard's or Ashley's POV, and the last time around, Ash got two. So this time, Shep's gonna get two. After this chapter, the POV is going to switch back to Ashley for three, and then back to Shepard for three, etc. Sorry for the mistake!**

* * *

Silence. Freakish, eerie silence. Not even the sound of wind brushing over the rooftops of the homes and buildings. Just...silence. All he could hear was his own breathing, and even the sound of that seemed loud enough that it was alerting any Collector within a thousand yards of their position.

Shepard had followed Lieutenant Trakes through a back entrance to the colony, beneath a section of boarded over walls and wires, at Ashley's suggestion. Whatever the case, it had been a damn good idea. An idea that didn't seem her style. Everything he knew about her pointed to direct confrontation, but she'd been the one to suggest going through a side entrance.

 _"Collectors won't know about them. It'll give us a better chance of saving the colonists and getting those guns online undetected."_

He glanced back at her, following dutifully on his right flank. She'd been exposed to Reaper tech and came out without any signs of indoctrination. As a matter of fact, the only difference was very drastic, very noticeable changes to the way her body processed outside stimuli, and his scanners still read her as an organic, so in his book, all that had happened was an improvement.

Had Cerberus not gotten its hands on her, her body might've healed itself, given enough time. But Cerberus removed her from the potentially toxic situation, and that is very well likely the only reason she didn't answer to the Reapers. Instead of the Reapers, however, she just answered to Cerberus. Because that was loads better.

They were pacing each other now at a distance, Trakes to his left and Ash creeping through an open structure. The lieutenant was sticking to higher ground, giving him an advantage, but also a disadvantage. All the Collectors had to do was look up and there he was.

As they walked, checking on colonists frozen in place, it became increasingly apparent that the Collectors were moving towards them. Less and less humans were being found stuck in stasis, and more and more pods were being spotted. Shepard paused to check one out, groping around the sides and panels for a release. The cover blasted clear off its hinges, falling to the dirt, and revealing an injured child.

His blood started boiling as the boy began coughing. Shepard locked his hands around the boy's torso, pulling him from the compartment, when Ashley shouted, "Contact!" She dropped a Collector taking cover behind a planter and that unleashed the floodgate, sending every single bug into overdrive. Several leapt from wherever they were hiding, opening fire on Shepard and the boy. He screamed in Shepard's arms, hugging his neck tightly and burying his face in his shoulder.

The Commander dropped to his knees behind the pod, setting the boy on his own two feet. His hand caught his arm before he could bolt, keeping the small pair of eyes trained on his as he hit the release for his visor. "You have to stay here, okay? If you go out there, they won't hesitate to shoot. I'll protect you, but you have to stay behind me, okay?"

Wide-eyed, the kid nodded. "Yeah."

Shepard smiled. "Good man. Now stay behind me!"

When he stood, he locked eyes on Ashley's last position, but he couldn't see her. Instead, she was on the ground now, fistfighting a husk pinning her to the dirt. It had her by the throat, and by the time he raised his rifle, the husk had a clean shot through its head. It fell to the side and she was back up, moving to cover and finishing off one of the Collectors.

He looked up towards Trakes, crouched behind a railing pacing along the rooftops, and gave him a thumbs up. The sniper wasn't paying any attention, however, and was focused on his current task. Whatever Ashley had said to him earlier seemed to have done the trick; Trakes didn't take long after their ride in the Mako to suck it up and let his training kick in.

Shepard tapped his and Ashley's comm into Trakes', saying, "Keep the husks off me. I've got a civilian."

Trakes' rifle went off and a nearby monster collapsed. Music leaked into Shepard's ear as the sniper laughed, loading another shot. "You got it, Commander! Keep 'em coming!"

He shook his head, sighing, as he leveled his assault rifle with a Collector popping in and out of cover. The boy was clinging to his leg for dear life, probably crying, and Shepard didn't blame him. Husks scared the shit out of him too, but Collectors? They just pissed him off. The poor kid holding onto him would probably have nightmares about this for the rest of his life. Anybody they managed to save would have nightmares about the Collectors. This was sick.

Shepard took a position at the front of the pod, crouching as best as the boy would allow. It covered his shoulders and torso, and let him brace the barrel on a stable surface. Each of his sprays were controlled, impacting the enemies exactly where he intended them to. Trakes was still going through husks headed for Shepard and the boy, blasting them away and laughing like a kid the entire time. Ashley had disappeared in the planters and railings, throwing the occasional Collectors from cover before moving on. Shepard didn't even touch his biotics; using any of his abilities might be potentially dangerous to the boy, and he promised to protect him.

One of those lasers came for his head, but he ducked back down, holding the screaming child to his chest. Shepard squeezed his own eyes shut while covering the kid's ear with a hand, smothering the other to his chest plate. Hearing the continuous pops made his skin crawl and his teeth jitter, but he said nothing, only held the boy to keep him calm.

Someone was shouting in his ear. " _Commander!_ Where are you?"

"I'm here," he replied, letting out a shaky breath.

"Get your ass over here and help me out!"

Shepard flinched as a bullet flew past his head, snapping off a husk approaching them. He released the boy, holding him in place the same way he did before. "Stay right here, okay? Can you do that for me?" The boy sniffled, nodded, and Shepard forced a smile, patting his shoulder. "My friend will keep you safe. I have to help that other marine." He nodded again and Shepard broadened his grin. "Be brave. I'll be right back."

He switched out his assault rifle for his shotgun, stood, and fired at the nearest husk. It crumpled in on itself as it fell, clearing him a path towards the Collectors in the series of hills and planters. He ran for the first bug he saw, throwing as much biotic force into it as he could muster. He flung himself straight into it, discharging the pent up energy into a solid smack from the butt of his gun. The Collector flew back into one of the planters and fell to the ground. Shepard finished it off with a blast from his shotgun. To his right, Ashley was struggling with one of the things, wrestling to get control of her own pistol. Shepard dropped that one too and followed her as she charged right back into it. They plowed a path through the planters, leaving husks and Collectors in their wake. With Shepard's biotics and Ashley's recklessness, they had the area cleared in a matter of minutes.

Shepard didn't remember any of it. As soon as the last bug was dead, he turned and ran back for the kid. Husks littered the dirt, but as soon as he got around the pod, he saw the little boy sitting on the ground, hugging himself as he cried. Shepard crouched in front of him, offering a friendly smile and a hand.

"Everything's going to be okay," he whispered carefully, extending his hand a little more. The boy shied away. "We're here to help."

"No," he whined, wiping his eyes off on the back of his shirt sleeve. "They're all gone."

Trakes and Ashley joined him, the latter starting to say something, but whatever it was died out when she saw the kid. Shepard waited, watching her over his shoulder, for her to regain her composure. "Commander, I didn't... There aren't any poles, sir."

He nodded absentmindedly, waving her aside. "Make sure the area's clear. We need to get this kid someplace safe."

"Yes, sir," they said at once.

Shepard turned back to the boy, now cautiously peeking at him from behind his knees. "You're Alliance."

The Commander nodded. "Kyler Shepard, Council Spectre."

"Pap said we can't trust Alliance."

"No, no, no. You can trust me, okay? I'm a good guy."

"Pap says not to trust Alliance types."

"You can trust me," he repeated, grasping the boy's upper arm gently. "I'm going to get you out of here."

Wide eyes focused on something behind him and Shepard turned. His own eyes went wide as hw fumbled to get his pistol free of its clip to his leg. More husks, coming from the buildings. Not many, but enough to overwhelm, and Shepard was on his feet, grabbing the kid by the hand and pulling him upright. Trakes' rifle went off the same instant Shepard had his handgun pointed at the husks, lurking around him and the boy in an arc. Ashley dropped one of them before reappearing at his side, glancing at him before returning her attention to the husks.

"They're stronger than the ones on Eden Prime," she said.

"Do I want to know how you know that?"

She paused, then said, "No, probably not."

"Well..." He sighed, knocked back the hammer on his sidearm. "Let's get this over with, then."

* * *

"Open a connection for EDI!"

"Yes, sir!"

"Trakes, lay down some covering fire! Don't let them even blink. Do you understand?"

"Aye, aye, Commander!" The sniper bolted, swinging his rifle over his shoulder before heading for a construction vehicle parked by the massive wall, intending to climb atop it. Meanwhile, Shepard pulled out his shotgun and ran after Ashley, who had taken up a position at the nearby terminal. She was exposed, and even though she tended to volunteer (happily) to be the meat shield, Shepard had found he could, quite easily, fill that role should the need arise. Since getting the shit shot out of him by Kuril, sucking energy from his barrier became easier and easier, and far more deadly to discharge. He didn't want to admit to practicing it after Chakwas finished applying several layers of medigel, but he did. It was a good tactic for blasting multiple enemies off their feet.

"How long is it gonna take, Ash?"

"Don't know, Commander," she replied. She didn't look at him. "Five, maybe ten minutes? I have to hack the security protocols, and I don't exactly have the software I need to do it nicely." She glanced up at the two AA guns, sighing. "Probably going to fry the systems..."

"Commander, I'm detecting several missing connections inside the tower closest to your position," EDI interrupted. He could see Collectors start dropping to the ground several yards away; Shepard gave his shotgun a good pump, braced himself to leap across their newest battlefield. "They will need to be repaired if I am to connect to their systems."

"I can remotely fire—"

"Unwise, Williams," EDI said. "I have identified structural weak points in the ship's hull. Precise fire is necessary to cause maximum damage."

"Shepard?"

A bullet bounced off the shielding for the terminal and they both flinched. "Work it out yourself, Ash. We've got company."

"Husks are coming up from the platforms!" Trakes reported. He took out two Collectors in rapid succession, and faint music blared from his end of the comm. "Looks like a lot, Commander. You'd better get over there!"

"You gonna be all right here by yourself?"

"Headed to the gun," she said quickly, grabbing her rifle from where it rested on the terminal. "Just...be careful."

He grinned, even if she couldn't see it. "Worried about me now, Ash?"

She visibly hesitated as she started backing towards the gun. "Always."


	14. Chapter 14

Repairing a damaged anti-aircraft gun in the middle of combat probably was one of the hardest (and dumbest) things she'd ever volunteered herself for. Whenever they weren't trying to shoot Shepard or that cocky lieutenant, Solomen Trakes, the Collectors were firing off lasers at her head. She'd been hit once already, in the shoulder, but it was only a graze. It hurt more than she was willing to admit; her entire arm was numb, but responsive, and she followed EDI's instructions to the letter.

"Ash, you've got husks headed your way!"

She yanked open the panel EDI indicated seconds before, setting her handgun on the workbench beside her. _Thank him later._ "All right, I'm in. What am I looking for?"

"I'm reading the circuits. Please standby."

"I don't have time to standby!" Ashley exclaimed, clicking on the built-in flashlight on her helmet. She bent forward, leaning inside, and looked around, searching for any flaws on her own. Then again, while she'd been trained to _damage_ defenses such as these, she hadn't exactly been trained to _repair_ them. Still, that was enough to know what was out of place, and what wasn't.

"Scanning."

A hand locked onto her assault rifle, pulled, and flung it over the edge of the gun. She whipped around, but by then, the husk had recovered from its confusion, and grabbed her by the throat. It slammed her back into the sheet panels with enough force to make her see stars. The oxygen indicators on the corner of her visor started flashing, indicating damage to the suit and its software.

She drove her elbow down into the husk's just as a wave of music blared over the comm. It was accompanied by Trakes' childlike laughter. As she hit the ground, she ripped her helmet off, and took it in an underhanded grip. When she got back on her feet, the husk was coming after her again. Glowing hot-white eyes, bluish skin, breath that smelled like a mass grave, and _that's_ what she'd nearly become?

Exposure could kill. She'd have to get back into the habit of praying.

Only, after the first hit of her helemt off its head, the husk stumbled back, gave her an odd look, and shuffled around in confusion. Ashley hesitated, glancing between the gun's damaged insides and the husk, and decided to worry about the meaning behind that later.

Instead of putting her helmet back on, Ashley reached up to her ear. The radio crackled noisily, but EDI's voice soon came through, loud and clear. "...a jumper through circuit board 17 to 12."

"Can you repeat that?"

"Reconnect board 15 to the main power, then place a jumper through circuit board 17 to 12."

Ashley replaced her gun on her hip, grabbed the small wires and pliers from their places on the bench, and crawled into the maintenance shaft opened earlier. To her left, there was a switch for power. She hit it, bathing the cramped space in red light, before continuing to haul herself through. As soon as she was able, Ashley got up and began rooting through the hanging wires and parts from the various shelves.

"Does it matter which board I reconnect?"

"Board 15 controls the firing mechanism. Ten through 14 are sensors."

"Then what the hell is board 12 for?"

"Safety countermeasures."

"There's a reason I signed up as infantry," she grumbled, following the small signs to a ladder. She climbed up to the next platform, hopping off right beside the section of electronics she needed. Four electronics boards dangled by their wires, sparking when bare copper brushed together, and she scowled. "I can't tell which board is which, EDI. I'm going to have to connect them all."

"Very well. Please do so quickly. I am nearly finished breaking through the firewalls."

She rubbed her numb arm a bit before setting to work, placing her equipment into her mouth. Tasted like plastic and metal, almost like blood. Cold and gross.

Ashley squinted at the small points on the first circuit. Two wires had been cut from power cables, transferring from large gauge wire to small gauge (two to ten), but she took a piece of 12 gauge and wound the ends together. She tore the insulation a little, shoved the loose ends down into the cables, and squeezed the insulation back into place.

"VI restored," a feminine voice reported.

"Great," she mumbled sarcastically. Repeating the previous process with the remaining boards was easy, makeshift and probably shitty, but easy. It would serve the temporary purpose. "I've got the circuits back in place, EDI, but you'll have to tell me what boards 17 and 12 should look like."

"Board 17 should be made up of resistors, capacitors, and diodes."

Locating it was just as easy as her crappy repair job. "And 12?"

"Board 12 will be made up of IC chips and computer-sensor switches."

"What?"

"Non-programmable logic gates, Williams," EDI said.

She grunted, but wrapped two pieces of 12 gauge together, stuck one end through an open connection on board 17, then threaded it to board 12. Both connected ends of the lead were bent backwards to hold better.

"Got it," Ashley reported.

"Reroute the power once you return to the deck."

"On it."

She dropped back to the lower floor and crawled back outside, wincing at the sunlight as she pulled herself from the AA gun. Below, Shepard and Trakes were still fighting with the Collectors, but that wasn't her priority at the moment. She ran around the side of the observation deck to the ladder leading up to the firing platform. The husk was still milling about aimlessly, grunting and groaning as it tried to find a way back to the ground; Ashley didn't pay it any attention. The climb was quick, but painful on her wounded arm. Shooting either of her rifles would be pointless when hauling her own weight hurt.

There it was, the redirect switch, right beside the programming panel.

"I have uploaded to the battery's systems," EDI reported. "Reactivate the cannon and I can fire on the Collector ship."

Ashley started towards it, letting out a breath of relief. Almost there.

Then, somehow, she was on the floor. Her shoulder wound was bleeding profusely now, reopened, and something felt off with her ankle. A Collector was standing over her, aiming its laser at her head. Not only was its weapon glowing bright yellow, but so was it. Bright, yellow veins traced up and down its body as it stared down at her. It almost looked...curious. Confused.

EDI's voice sounded extremely high pitched and whiny, and she shut off her comm, tears forming in her eyes. The gunfire below, Shepard and Trakes shouting, the whirring of the machinery and electronics below, it made her want to tear off her ears. It was all too loud.

A soft, soothing hum flooded her. It went everywhere, straight to her core, filling her bones and blood with so much relief that she was tempted to let herself cry. That voice was as beautiful as damning; she knew exactly what it was. It was the same singing that got her locked up in that Cerberus facility. It was the Reapers, begging her to give in. The singing offered so much more than her life did now. Safety, freedom, no more pain, guaranteed revenge against the Illusive Man. Whatever she wanted.

Then it made the mistake of telling her about the Reapers. An image of one of their ships passed through her mind's eye. It was easily twice as large as Sovereign had been, and when she just knew its name by seeing it, a feeling of dread sunk through her chest. _Harbinger._

"You are human."

 _Oh God, it's_ talking _to me._ Her hand fumbled for her pistol.

"You smell like us."

It felt like her heart leapt into her throat. She felt sick.

"But you are different," the Collector continued. "More than a husk, less than human." It still had its gun pointed at her. It didn't seem worried in the least that she'd draw her pistol; no matter how much she struggled, she just couldn't seem to get a good grip on it. "You are proof that the cycle can end."

 _Wait, what?_

"You are a danger. You must concede, or you must die."

Conceding to Harbinger was beyond tempting. All she had to do was stop fighting it, and she'd fought enough, hadn't she? Fighting the Reapers got her killed on Virmire. Fighting the Reapers got her here. Fighting wasn't worth it, not when there were just so _many._ She deserved to take a step back and breathe.

Someone shouted her name from the ground. Concerned, worried. It took her a moment to recognize it was Shepard, but just thinking of him pissed her off. The Reapers despised him; he was their problem. She could kill him, guarantee herself some peace...

He shouted for her again, told her to get the gun working for EDI. Ashley wanted to scream. It was hard to remember why she was fighting, but if she was fighting, there had to be a reason. A damn good reason. Shepard? He mattered. He inspired a fire and a desire to impress like no other officer she'd ever served under. He terrified the Reapers, but then again, so did she. He scared them because he had killed one. She scared them because she had all the strengths they did, and somehow retained her humanity.

Harbinger didn't want either of them anywhere near the other. Alone, they were like an annoying fly. Together, maybe they could cause some trouble. Maybe they _could_ end the cycle.

"What a waste," it said, grabbing her by the front of her armor. Cerberus colors. It was almost as disgusting as the hand holding her up.

It dragged her across the platform before easily hoisting her over the railing.

"You are a mistake," the Collector said. "You were never intended."

She still couldn't get her hand to close around her gun. Maybe fighting really wasn't worth it. Maybe dying was better; she'd cheated death once before, and look where it got her. So close to becoming a husk just by being exposed to Reaper tech. So close that the husks thought she was one of them, but still far enough away from being a synthetic that scanners read her as an organic. What the hell did she have that was worth fighting for?

Ashley looked over her shoulder. Even with the enhancements, both from Cerberus and the Reapers, that drop would kill her. She looked back at the glowing Collector.

Her comm was still going off. EDI wouldn't shut up. Reroute the power, save that kid...

Kid. That little boy Shepard was so adamant about saving. There would be more like him. Her own sister could end up in his position, terrified and being harvested by the Collectors for God knows what.

 _Family._

Her hand closed around her handgun and she raised it just enough to fire a shot into the Collector's stomach. It dropped her on the railing as it staggered back, more surprised than wounded, but it gave her the chance to haul herself onto solid ground. Her ankle throbbed in protest, probably sprained, and lifting her pistol any higher than her waist sent electric jolts through her arm and chest.

It didn't matter. There was no shot in hell that she was letting anyone else face the same horrors this colony already experienced. There was no way she was turning her back on humanity to make her life easier. Not when she knew as well as Shepard that the Reapers were coming. Not when she still had younger sisters that weren't soldiers, not when they weren't trained to kill other beings to survive and protect others.

She felt her shoulder knit itself back together. She felt the torn tendons and flesh regrowing (which would always be gross). Holding her pistol up wasn't as difficult, even with the muscle fixing itself so quickly.

One shot. Then a second. A third. A fourth. Five. Six. Seven. Eight, nine, ten... Ashley shot the damn bug until her gun was so hot it burned her hand right through her hard suit.

When she was sure it was dead, she ran to the switch, and pushed it back up into position. The panel beside her powered up and she opened a channel to the _Normandy._ "EDI, the gun is online."

"Acknowledged. Firing on the Collector ship now."

Ash stood to watch despite the gun shaking both above and beneath her. Both fired on similar places along the hull, blasting straight through the ship's shields. An explosion split the air, and for a half a second, she felt that same elation as she did when the original _Normandy_ escaped Virmire. Relief, excitement, and a feeling of finality.

But it was quickly replaced by horror. The explosion didn't come from EDI's shots at the hull, but from the engines powering up. Even while it lifted itself from the atmosphere, the guns continued firing, and the ship kept flying, as if it was the Collectors' final way of saying, "We're better than you."

That feeling of dread settled back in her gut. Even with everything, the Collectors still managed to win. They still took countless colonists, adults, teenagers, children.

And Shepard and her _lost._ The Collectors got what they came to Horizon for. The Collectors won because she was weak and stupid, because she thought, briefly thought, that giving up on humanity and the rest of the galaxy was worth it.

At the end of the day, she didn't have to trust aliens. She didn't even have to like them, but the Reapers weren't just coming for humans. They were coming for asari, salarians, turians, krogan, elcor, volus, everyone. And all of those races had families, and had people they loved, and had feelings, and lives, and no urge to die. Even if they wouldn't support Shepard until it was too late, they would still have to fight if they wanted to survive. It was them, or the Reapers, and even her borderline racist brain understood that it had to be the Reapers. She'd do what she could; she always did, and then some.

The only problem? Ashley was pretty sure the Reapers would try to indoctrinate her.

She was getting a whole new perspective on life. Back on the SR-1, she'd looked at Benezia and thought of her as weak. Now she knew what it was like to fight that, and Ashley could feel a load of respect forming for the asari.

But if that damn Matriarch could fight the Reapers' indoctrination, then she was the one of the best. And, like her father said, a Williams had to be better than the best.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N** **: Think Kaidan should join Shepard and Ashley, or do you guys think he should return to Alliance space like he does in the canon story? Lemme know! It'll be a few chapters before I decide, so give it some thought if you want! Thank you all for being amazing readers, and I hope you continue to enjoy the story!**

* * *

The climb down the two ladders to the ground was painful. Whatever she'd done to her ankle, it wasn't just sprained. She probably tore something, and, knowing her luck, she'd have to go back to the ship for Chakwas to check it out.

Ashley was staggering, limping really, towards Shepard, who was poking one of the Collectors with the barrel of his assault rifle. He stood once he was satisfied that it was dead, returning his gun to his back, and looked back at her. A broad grin broke out on his face as he met her halfway. To her surprise, Shepard didn't just give her a "good job" or a pat on the back, but instead wrapped his arms around her shoulders. It was awkward, considering he was splattered with Collector and husk guts, and he had enough height on her that she was only just a little taller than his shoulder height. She could smell the blood on him, his own and that of the aliens he slaughtered.

But she didn't care. For a half a second, it felt good to just relax. Her arms didn't want to move, but she still leaned on him, and he didn't let go. Even though she was too exhausted to hug him back, there was something strangely intimate about just letting him hold her. It felt weirdly nice, and after a moment, she realized it was because it had been so damn long that she'd last touched someone without feeling any urge to bury her fist in their throat and snap their neck.

Someone cleared their throat rather obnoxiously and Shepard's reluctance to release her was obvious. It brought a small smile to her face.

"It's nice to see that much hasn't changed."

That voice. It belonged to Kaidan Alenko. And there he was, standing beside a bloodied Trakes, arms crossed over his chest. Blue hard suit, cracked helmet under his arm, cuts on his cheeks and forehead, burns on his armor.

In the back of her mind, she was vaguely aware of the subtle, yet insisting voice telling her he was an enemy. Her fingers flexed around the grip of her pistol, but she bit her tongue. He helped them earlier, back when she woke in that room. Kaidan hated Cerberus just as much as any marine, but he still helped even when they flew in on a Cerberus vessel. He knew where to put his priorities. So did she.

Kaidan and Shepard met in the middle, firmly clasping each other's arms as matching grins broke out on their faces. Then she remembered their "bromance" and she rolled her eyes, planting a hand on her hip.

"It's good to see you, Kaidan," Shepard said.

"Even better to see you, Commander," Kaidan replied. He glanced back over his shoulder towards a garage, now open when it was previously closed, and gave a sad sigh. "Unfortunately, most of my garrison didn't survive initial contact, but I see you managed to keep Trakes alive."

"More like he kept us alive," Shepard said, giving the lieutenant a polite, but thankful, nod of appreciation. The lieutenant gave a sarcastic little salute in response. "I don't think Ash and I would've got this far without his help."

For the first time, Kaidan's eyes drifted from Shepard to her, and she instinctively stiffened under that gaze. Several things passed over his expression, several _bad_ things. Betrayal, hurt, anger, and amazingly, just a small moment where the relief shone through his eyes. But it was gone almost instantly; how could she expect anything different? Here she was, standing before a good friend that she'd died for, now wearing the uniform of their enemy.

"How are you doing, Ash?"

That surprised her. It wasn't what she expected him to say, but if he was going to be nice, she should return the favor. "I've certainly had better days than this one." That got a few, careful, laughs. Kaidan didn't let the smile reach his eyes. "But I'll be fine in a couple hours. My arm healed itself and my ankle isn't broken, so that's something at least."

"What happened?"

"Fixed the damage to the gun," she said quickly. "A Collector...Reaper...Harbinger or whatever the fuck that was, it kicked my ass."

"Wait...what?" It was Shepard now, confused. "A Reaper? What are you talking about?"

"The Collector," Ashley said. "It was being controlled by a Reaper."

Shepard and Kaidan exchanged glances. Kaidan looked about as worried as he ever let himself look, but Shepard still had his helmet on; she could only see his eyes.

"I have to report back to Admiral Hackett," Kaidan said. "He'll want to know about this. If anyone can make Alliance command listen, it's him."

"Alliance command won't listen," Shepard grumbled, pulling off his helmet. "Neither will the Council."

"You can't keep working with Cerberus! Look at Ashley!"

She blinked, brows shooting up. "I'm functioning just fine today, thanks."

" _Today,_ Ash," Kaidan said. " _Today._ What about tomorrow? If the Reapers are behind the abductions, then we need as much help as possible. No one is going to work with Cerberus!"

"Cerberus is the only one doing anything about it!" Shepard retorted. "You think _I_ like working with them? You think she does? What the hell, Kaidan? You know we're better than that!"

"You, maybe," he said. His eyes fell on Ashley again and she frowned. "You, not so much. How am I supposed to know what they did to you, or what happened with the Reapers? How am I supposed to trust that?"

"You saw what happened to Liara's mother!" she exclaimed.

"That's my—"

"I fought it off!" she continued. "I fought off _indoctrination_ when not only can I hear the damn Reapers, I can see _things._ They can talk to me, Kaidan. Harbinger could hear what I was thinking! Husks run past me when I'm not protected by my hard suit! And I still knew what was right and what was wrong! I was fully aware of everything, and despite listening to Harbinger try to indoctrinate me, I managed to get that damn gun operational!"

Shepard was staring at her, brows furrowed, but she didn't care. She was furious. Kaidan had the gall to say she might be little more than a husk, and while Ashley might think of herself the exact same way, she wasn't going to let someone say the exact same thing and get away with it.

"And Cerberus?" he asked after a moment.

"If I can ignore a Reaper, I'm pretty sure I can ignore the Illusive Man."

Kaidan looked back to Shepard. "Commander?"

"I trust Ashley," he said. "If she thinks she can handle it, then I'm with her."

"The Reapers are still coming," Ashley said. "I don't care about what happened on the Citadel with Saren and Sovereign. Whatever you did, it didn't stop them. They're going to find a way here, and when they do..."

"Shit's going to hell in a hand basket," Shepard finished. "No one wants to believe it, either. Sovereign was an 'isolated' incident according to the Council. They won't do anything until it's too late."

"Just like the Alliance," Trakes said. He'd been quiet through most of the exchange, but he spoke up now, stepping past Kaidan to offer Shepard his hand. "I'm with you, sir."

Shepard nodded grimly as he shook the lieutenant's hand, welcoming him to their side... literally. "Kaidan, it would mean a lot if you came back. We could use the help."

"I'm Alliance," Kaidan said, and Ashley already knew what he was going to say. "I can't work for Cerberus."

"You think we're staying with Cerberus after what we found on that base?" Shepard said. Ashley's brows shot up again. She almost said something, _almost._ The only reason she didn't was she didn't want to change his mind. "Hell no. We get off this planet, and the first order of business is to tell the Illusive Man to fuck off."

Still, she couldn't help saying, "And Miranda and Jacob? What about them? What about the rest of the crew? You think they're going to drop everything and turn away from Cerberus because of a little torture and research on the Reapers?"

He sighed. "You haven't seen the records, Ash. It gets worse."

"You're joking."

"No, I'm not. Jacob already doesn't like the Illusive Man, and Miranda can't ignore the facts."

She crossed her arms. "I'm not buying it, but if you think it'll work, Shepard, then I trust you."

"You're not going to ask how I think we'll be able to do this without someone's support?"

"You'll get it done. You always do."

Kaidan looked between the three of them, frowning, and sighed. "You think you can do this, Commander? Take down an entire species without someone funding you?"

He nodded. "I've done more with less resources."

"I'll...have to think about it," Kaidan said. "But in the meantime, I'd like to join you on your ship...sir."

Shepard stuck his hand out and Kaidan shook it firmly, a small grin forming on the Commander's lips. "Welcome aboard, Staff Commander."

Shepard's grin quickly faded, however, when Ashley said, "Looks like he's giving the orders now." A mischievous glint appeared in Kaidan's eye as the corner of his mouth turned up into a smile. "I'm going to go find my rifle. A husk threw it somewhere and I'd like to get it before we leave."

Shepard nodded, mouth thinned into a line. "And you just had to point out Alenko's a higher rank than me?"

Ashley swung her helmet up onto her head, hitting the pressure equalizers under her chin. "He won't let it go to his head." She looked to Kaidan. "Right, Scuttlebutt?"

"Disrespecting a commanding officer," he said flatly.

She scoffed and spread her hands. "Do I look like I'm with the Alliance anymore, Kaidan? I doubt they'd take me back even if I wanted to." Shepard started to say something, but she cut him off with a serious look. "That was a joke. I'll be back in a minute."

* * *

The Illusive Man ignored Shepard's first attempt to contact him, and his second, and his third, so they were presently seated in the deserted mess hall around the largest table. Most of Shepard's team, anyway. Garrus and Zaeed were notably absent, but Ash didn't let it bother her. They had more important things to discuss. Like how they planned on stealing the ship from Cerberus and deactivating EDI's camera systems.

And naturally, the AI was listening in on their conversation, giving pointers and telling them what they really shouldn't be doing (like deactivating part of her systems).

"There are several cameras installed on the bridge and in the CIC," EDI reported. "However, I strongly recommend that you don't attempt to uninstall them, Commander. They are linked directly to the—"

"The Illusive Man's personal server. Yeah, I've heard that before."

"It doesn't matter anyway," Miranda said. "There's no one on board the ship qualified to get into the systems and disable the cameras."

"We've got Gabby and Ken," Shepard said. "They seem to know what they're doing."

"But they're engineers, not electricians."

Trakes raised his hand. "I'm qualified, sir. I have an engineering degree."

"Not an engineer," Miranda repeated, sighing. "An—"

"Electrician," Trakes replied quickly. "I heard you the first time. But here's the thing, my degree is in Mechatronic engineering. Mechanical and electrical. I've served both positions when I'm on a ship." He shrugged. "And infantry. Sort of. Support infantry?"

"We get the point," Shepard interrupted. "But you're qualified to get into a frigate class Alliance ship?"

He nodded. "Yes, sir."

"One guy?" Ashley said. "We're going to let one guy go through the entire ship and disable _every single_ bug the Illusive Man's planted?" Shepard arched a brow as he leant back, waiting for an explanation, and crossed his arms. "Okay look, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm entirely sure there are fail-safes. If _I_ can get to these cameras, which I can, he has something else spying on us. Everywhere he's sent me, he's made sure there are ways to monitor me, or stop me, or whatever he needed. Any ship he put me on, secured. Completely secured. I'd disable everything I found, but there was always some other way he had eyes on me."

"Williams-proof," Trakes said.

She shot him a look, but he only shrugged. "So what are the methods he uses to keep an eye on the ship?"

"Miranda," Shepard said, holding up a thumb.

"Which is done," she said.

He nodded. "Cameras." He put up his index finger. "Bugs." Middle finger. "EDI." Ring finger. "Crew members." Pinkie finger.

"The same way he spies on everyone," Miranda said.

"Exactly," Ashley said, leaning forward. "Bugs can be found and destroyed. EDI can be reprogrammed, and the crew can be bought. The cameras? Those are what I'm worried about. So much can be done to a camera to make removing it impossible."

"What are you thinking?" Shepard asked.

She picked up her datapad and tossed it to him, saying, "Haestrom."

After a few minutes of skimming, he looked up with a frown on his face. "You mean Tali? She's there? How did you get this information?"

"The usual. I hacked Miranda's laptop."

"When do you even get the time for this?" the Cerberus officer demanded.

Ashley shrugged, unshamed. "I have a lot of free time, actually. I don't do much of anything except hack Cerberus' servers. It's not hard." She got up with a sigh. "I'd tell you to get that checked out, but you're with us now. No Cerberus. And besides, hacking the database earlier got me lots of important information."

"Like?" Shepard asked.

"Keep scrolling," she answered. "I found a couple dossiers the Illusive Man was planning to send you. Kasumi Goto, thief. Samara, asari justicar. Tali."

"There's a fourth, though."

"There may or may not be a _slight_ problem with that last one," Ashley said, walking around the table. She took the datapad back from him, swiping the list of stolen emails to the side for later use. Instead, she pulled up Cerberus' money transfers. A large sum, one paid to a cover she assumed belonged to Kasumi, and another to a drell. His name wasn't listed in the credit transfer, but the dossier marked him as an assassin, a terrifyingly effective one. Probably the best in the galaxy. And the dossier marked his name.

"Thane Krios. The Illusive Man's hired him for something," she continued, passing the info back to Shepard. "And after sending us to investigate Horizon? Powering up the systems in that facility probably alerted him. He most likely already knows we've defected."

"And this is his great idea to stop us? One drell assassin?"

"Don't know, Commander. Records show he's still on Illium; I checked before bringing that out here. Whatever Krios was hired for, there's no chance it could be a coincidence. We got the station back online only a few hours before."

Shepard nodded thoughtfully, setting the datapad back on the table. "We'll continue the plotted course to Illium, then. Looks like this..." He glanced back at the pad. "Samara is there as well. A justicar could be a powerful ally against the Collectors."

"And if Krios comes after us?"

He arched a brow at her. "You were trained to be a weapon, yeah?" She nodded. "Then do what you do best, and kick his ass." Another nod. "After we've recruited Samara, we'll go to the Citadel for Kasumi, and then to Haestrom for Tali. Hopefully by then, the bugs and cameras will have been located so Trakes and her can disable them."

The assembled lot nodded or mumbled their agreement, but Kaidan remained silent. He was simply observing, glancing around the new _Normandy_ with a less than focused gaze.

"All right, that's it. Dismissed."

They began dispersing, but Shepard remained in his chair, and Ashley remained where she was standing, arms clasped behind her back. Even after they were all gone and it was only the two of them, Shepard stayed mute, staring wistfully down at the table. He had a far off look in his eye, lost in thought, and why she stayed escaped her.

Ashley made to leave, but he called her back. "No, stay. I...enjoy the company."

She almost laughed, returning to her seat across from him. "All right Shepard. What's this about?"

"There has to be a reason?"

"Usually there is."

"Ash, I'm just glad you're here," he said, running a hand through his hair. "Or...most of you."

"Most of me, yeah," she agreed. "The important stuff, at least."

"I don't know. Do you know how much I wished I could go back and save you instead of Kaidan? Do you know how much I missed you?"

"I told you I didn't regret a thing. I still don't."

"But I did." Both hands through his hair now. "Every part of me said to go and get you instead of him, so I did what any logical officer would do, and ignored it. I went and saved the other officer."

"Like you were supposed to, Shepard."

He shook his head vehemently. "No, I should've gone to get you! If I'd saved you, you wouldn't be like this, and I wouldn't have had to look your sisters in the eye to tell them I left you behind." She recoiled, frowning, feeling like she'd just been hit across the jaw. "You had a family. Kaidan didn't. I cared about you—"

"And Kaidan was your friend," Ashley interrupted. "And this is against regs. It wouldn't have happened no matter what you tell yourself. You made the right call, Shepard."

"No, I didn't," he repeated. "I should've gone back for you."

"Why? Because I wouldn't be where I am now?" He kind of looked at her, kind of didn't. "You know as well as I do that if you'd left Kaidan behind, _he'd_ be the one in my shoes, and I probably would've told you to take your Cerberus ass right back out of Alliance space."

Shepard stared at her. "I don't care. It hurts to see you like this."

"Like what?" Ashley sat back, crossing her arms and ankles. "Sassier? You can't handle the backtalk anymore?"

He laughed, once, bitter and soft. It was better than nothing. "I've missed you, Ash. You know, the not Cerberus thing. _You._ "

"I've missed me too," she replied, a little too cheerfully, as she got up to stroll past the back of his chair. "Life's a lot nicer when it's not 'kill them,' or, 'kill that!'" He laughed again and she smiled, dropping a hand on his shoulder. She gave it an easy squeeze as he reached back to put his hand over hers, still staring off tiredly into the tabletop.

Ashley leant down next to him, hand still on his shoulder, and whispered, "I missed you too, Skipper."

That smile reached his eyes.


	16. Chapter 16

Wipe, rotate, wipe, slide, lock. It was the simple things, cleaning her assault rifle specifically, that made the long rides on the _Normandy_ bearable. Unlike the others, Ashley didn't really have anything to do unless she was ground side with Shepard, so that usually left her in the armory on her downtime with Jacob, cleaning every single weapon repeatedly. Most of them were fresh off the assembly line when they were loaded onto the ship, meaning a large portion of them had never even been used in the first place. As a matter of fact, she'd cleaned and taken apart (only to put them back together immediately) each firearm so many times that she could do it in the dark...which she was doing now.

If Ashley was being perfectly honest with herself, she preferred cleaning the weapons in the dark. It was more of a challenge to an otherwise easy task. With the lights off, it was all memory based, and far more relaxing. It was something familiar that she could lose herself in.

The instant she finished assembling a handgun, an orange light flashed on her arm. Ashley recoiled just a bit from her omni-tool, scowling at the abruptness as she slapped the notification open. It was a message from Shepard. For some reason, she half expected it to be a group message, shared with her and whomever else, probably Kaidan. After she got him out of the mess hall, he wandered off to find his friend, and she ended up here, cleaning guns with Jacob until he went to hit the sack. Any normal person would've done the same, tired or not, because their shift was over. But she wasn't a normal person, and she wasn't tired, so she stayed.

She stared at the flashing notification. Part of her wanted to open it, and part of her just wanted to ignore it and keep working on the weapons. Then again, it wasn't like they needed cleaning (she'd been through all of them at least twice since joining Jacob).

Reluctantly, Ashley pressed it. The program expanded to include Shepard's full name and her own, but looking at it made her feel nauseous. Still using their Alliance accounts, leaving messages years old plastered to her screen. Same thread, new feelings. It was one of the many times they'd docked at the Citadel only for Shepard to invite her and Kaidan down to Flux for drinks.

She swiped at it, deleting the old messages. She didn't want to read that right now.

 _Kyler A. Shepard: Are you still awake?_

Ashley just stared. A few seconds later, he added: _I can hear you cleaning that rifle, Williams. Don't lie to me._

She rolled her eyes. _You're not outside the armory._

 _Didn't have to be. It worked, didn't it?_ She scowled at him for knowing her so well, and scowled at herself for being so obvious. _You mind if I come up?_

 _It's not like you'd listen even if I said no._

 _You're right. I wouldn't. See you in a few._

Another eye roll, but a smile tugged at her lips. Closing her omni-tool bathed the room in darkness again, just the way she liked it. Still, she supposed Shepard probably wouldn't like stumbling around in the dark, and flicked open the shutters over the two small windows. As she backed away from the controls, Ashley looked out at the stars, and simply stared. After all, she was good at just staring at things. And how could she not? There were just so _many,_ all different sizes and colors, blazing away regardless of everything else going on in the universe.

For the first time in two years, Ashley wondered how anyone could _not_ believe in a higher power. She sighed as she sat beneath the main table, tucking her chin into drawn up knees as the nostalgic feelings washed over her. The only time she'd ever look at the stars before was at night, groundside, or on a transport to a new posting. Then her squad died, she ended up on the SR1, and she died a few months later. And now here she was, on the SR2, fighting Collectors with the same man she'd died for. Life had a strange way of bringing everything full-circle, though she doubted they'd finished going around just yet.

While she waited for Shepard to appear, she realized some of those twinkling lights _might_ be Reapers. Ashley had no way of knowing if she was right, but it was always possible, wasn't it? There were crazier theories out there that proved to be correct.

She thought back to the Citadel, about Shepard's meeting with Anderson, who was now the human councillor. Thought back to the shock and disgust, but weird faith he placed in the three of them, Shepard, her, and Garrus. Found herself going back to her email and opening the most recent, one from Anderson. She didn't respond to it, and she didn't plan to, but neither had she opened it.

 _Sender: Anderson, David_

 _Recipient: Williams, Ashley_

 _Subject: Family_

Maybe she would open it once Shepard was gone. But if it was just Anderson telling her to get in contact with her mother and sisters, she'd close it immediately. They spent two and a half years mourning her; reopening that wound wasn't fair to her, or to them. Besides, there was a good chance this mission would end with all of them dying anyway, so what was the point in getting their hopes up? Ashley wasn't going to walk back into their lives only to die again not long thereafter. That was almost as cruel as keeping to herself.

The door hissed open and she closed her omni-tool. A few seconds later, Shepard's face appeared as he crouched down on the other side of the table. He looked tired, saying, "Is there a particular reason you're on the floor?"

"Is there a reason you're not?"

"That's all you got?" he teased, crawling down beside her. "What happened to all those expertly timed potshots?"

Ashley shrugged. "I figured for once we could be serious. Or I could, and you could be sarcastic and rude like you usually are."

"My pride is wounded."

"I hope so." For a while, the only sound was that of Shepard trying to squeeze himself under the table in a position similar to Ashley's. When it became apparent that he wasn't small enough to fit, he groaned and scooted across from her, sitting directly beneath the window. "Why did you come up here, Shepard?"

"I need a reason?"

"No," she said. "I wanted to know if there was one."

"Not really. It's just been a few days since we sat down and had a real conversation." She arched a brow, though she doubted he could see it. "You let your hair down."

Ashley's hand instinctively snapped up to check, and sure enough, it wasn't pulled back. It took her a second to recall why she'd taken it out, but she shrugged again. "Figured no one would come and yell at me for it. I can't have it up all the time. It's bad for the hair."

"You're joking."

She frowned. "No... Why would I be joking?"

He shook his head, waving it aside dismissively. "Never mind. It doesn't seem like something that would bother you is all."

Ashley gave him a sideways look and he made a motion with his hands. "Remember that talk we had about 'sensitive stuff'?"

"Yeah," Shepard said. "That's...yeah. I actually came down here about that."

"You came to find me...so we could talk about poems? I thought you didn't have a reason?"

He laughed and shook his head. "No, I meant I was... Well, okay, yeah. Kind of. I guess. I don't know. I was going somewhere with that, but I lost it."

"This coming from the man who thought it was _hilarious_ that I liked poetry, and spent hours planning with Kaidan on ways to tease me about it."

"Hey, you were the one teasing me about my idolization of superheroes from the last century."

"Yeah, because it makes perfect sense that some guy in spandex would go swinging around New York on fake spiderwebs."

"I was ten!" he said defensively.

She shrugged sheepishly, biting her tongue in a vain attempt to refrain from laughing. "I'm just saying that Spider-Guy isn't a good role model."

"Spider- _Man,_ " Shepard said.

"Spider- _Man,_ " Ashley amended. "Whoever. And it wasn't even your obsession with him; it was the fact that he was the whole reason you joined the Alliance."

Shepard scoffed indignantly. "I was ten," he repeated. "And since I couldn't _be_ Spider-Man, I decided I'd do the next best thing."

Ashley smiled, spread her hands in a placating gesture. "I'm sure you're that boy's superhero."

"Well...I wasn't really trying."

"You don't have to try to be someone's hero, you know."

"Aww," Shepard said, making a weird face, almost pouty. "Ash! Is that your way of saying I'm your hero?"

"What? No. That's weird. Stop that."

"That's adorable."

"You're an ass."

"But I'm your favorite ass."

"Only reason I'm still here," she teased, pushing herself out from under the table. Sliding over beside him, she let out a sigh and settled back into the same position she was in earlier, arms wrapped around drawn up knees.

Shepard took her wrist in his hand and held it up. "Do you ever take this off?"

She snatched her hand back, glaring, and flexed her fingers experimentally. The white plating rolled smoothly over her knuckles and the fabric covering her skin. Truth be told, the suit felt like a second skin, and she hardly ever took it off unless she absolutely had to. Cerberus or not, the suit was tailored to work with her body when she bent in awkward positions, or took a God-awful barrage of gunfire in a firefight.

"Occasionally," she said. "You've seen me out of it before."

"Only when you're hurt," Shepard said. "And when you're injured, you're cranky."

"I feel useless when I'm hurt. It's evidence that I lost. It proves I'm weak."

Shepard stared at her for a few minutes, blinking as he tried to process what she just said. While he was silent, Ashley stared back, watching carefully as his face went through several different expressions.

"Is that what Cerberus taught you? That getting hurt is a weakness?"

"Honestly? I don't know. I've hated being in hospitals since I was little. Maybe they just expanded on that hate, or maybe I've always felt that way and only just realized it."

"I want you to take that off," he said, flicking his eyes down from hers to the white and black suit she was wearing.

Her brows shot up. "No way am I stripping for you."

Shepard rolled his eyes, grabbed her arm; she nearly reached out and broke his hand for it, but she restrained herself. The urges were still there, the ones to hurt anyone and everyone who looked at her funny. They were getting progressively easier to ignore, but they were still there, and there was a good chance she'd never fully be rid of them.

He began unclasping the plates around her hand and arm, dropping them into a haphazard pile on the floor before rolling up her sleeve to her elbow. She sort of frowned, sort of smiled at the sight of her bare skin. It meant something to her, but she didn't know what. It just...felt important.

"Do you see how fragile we are?" he asked, waving her arm for emphasis. It was ridiculous, but he looked so serious that laughing didn't even cross her mind. "We get hurt. It's part of being human, and part of being a soldier. It's not a weakness, but a mistake. We fail, but we pick ourselves back up and keep going. Failures are just a lot of mistakes bunched together. But the important part is we learn from them. All life does, human or alien. And there's nothing wrong with it. Understand?"

She swallowed when he released her. There was a noticeable difference in the temperature around her arm; his hand had been warm, but the air was cold, and she missed the feeling.

"Do you understand that it's not your fault I died?" she retorted. "Or that you lost men on Elysium? Or that the Collectors took those colonists?"

"Don't turn this around on me, Ash. We're talking about you."

"That's all we ever do. 'Are you okay, Ashley? Do you need a minute, Ashley? How about you sit here and let me fuss over you, okay Ash?'"

Shepard blinked. "You're in a far more delicate state—"

"I'm perfectly fine!" she exclaimed. "I can think clearly and I know my sisters' names, all right? Stop worrying about me for five minutes. I told you once that I don't need someone to protect me, and I never will."

"And instead, you'd rather worry about me."

"If I'm not going to, who will? You can't go through life like that. Someone has to stop and care about you once in a while, or what's the point in living? You've spent God only knows how long putting your own safety and your own needs after _literally_ everything else, and it's about damn time someone told you that it's unhealthy."

For a second, she thought he might yell at her, but all he said was, "Wow."

"What?"

"You didn't quote some sappy poem at me."

She made a noise in her throat, disgusted, and pushed him away as she got to her feet, collecting her armor as she went. The sleeve was rolled back down and the interlocking plates were recomnected to the rubbery fabric, and she was back at the table in the corner, resuming her practice with the guns.

"'I must lose myself in action, lest I wither in despair'."

"Don't—"

"I'm sorry," he said, "but it's true. You know where I grew up, but you don't know what it was like. You know what I've seen. Hell, you were even there for most of the bad shit. My entire life has been shitty, Ash, and I can't stop to think about it, or else I'll get so caught up in it that I'd be sent off to a mental ward."

"It's just as unhealthy stewing about it as it is constantly thinking about it. Isn't that what you told me? That talking to someone about it makes it bearable?" He'd gotten to his feet and started to join her, but now he paused, looking at the floor with a sickened expression on his face. "We had an agreement, Shepard. I'd come to you, and you'd come to me because that's all we have."

"You haven't—"

"I haven't needed to," she interrupted. "This is the first time in days that I've had any issues! I've had a straight week of solid sleep, I've been controlling my urges to punch someone's teeth out, and I've held conversations with just about everyone I've talked to. You know why? Because I took your advice, against my own better judgement, and I talked to Chambers _once._ The rest of the time, I'm talking to you, or to Chakwas, or Joker, or even Garrus. And it _helps._ So don't tell me I haven't spoken to you about any of this, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't be with it enough to tell you that you're being a damn hypocrite!"

"I am the commanding officer of this ship. I have to be in top condition to lead these people. How is getting help with a problem I already have under control good for the image I have to present?"

"Because it tells the rest of us it's okay to be hurt, or be sick, or be weak. It tells us that you know you're human, and that you're willing to admit to your shortcomings so they better you. I don't know how to explain it! God, Kyler, you know I'm bad with words!"

He blinked some more, did some more staring as he slowly walked up beside her. "You used my first name."

"What? No, I didn't. I never use your—"

"You did," he said.

"Whatever, that's beside the point. You need to—"

"It's not. It's just as much a part of this as the rest of it," he said. "First the nickname. Now my _real_ name. You admit you're worried about my mental health even though I'm functioning just as well as I always have. Something's gotten into you."

She swallowed nervously and looked away, reaching for the handgun sitting in the center of the table. Her hands were shaking, but she kept going anyway, doing her level best to ignore the situation she'd gotten herself into.

"Ashley."

She had the clip ejected in a smooth swipe of her hand, and the gun disassembled within seconds. _Maybe he'll go away if I ignore him._ Ashley knew he wouldn't, but she could hope.

"Ash."

She grabbed the cloth she always used to clean parts. How could she face those same feelings and everything else when she wasn't even the same person? How was that even remotely fair to either of them? When she realized she didn't necessarily care if those feelings were forced on her, she wondered how much she honestly felt was "forced" on her.

Something brushed across her cheek and she nearly jumped, dropping everything she was holding the instant her eyes snapped back into focus. It was only Shepard's hand, warm and surprisingly smoothe to the touch, but it still scared her half to death, and she let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding.

"You looked a little lost," he joked.

 _He's not moving his hand._

"Y-yeah," she stammered. "Sorry. I was just...thinking."

 _Two can play this game._ Ashley reached up and caught his hand in her own, leaning into it. That alone calmed her beyond belief and another breath escaped her lips, this time as a sigh. Briefly, she allowed her eyes to flick over to Shepard, and she saw the narrowed gray eyes as he watched her. A smirk began tugging at her lips, but she fought it back.

"About what?" he ventured. His voice sounded hoarse; his mouth had gone dry.

"You. What else?"

"So are you going to tell me why you've been acting so weird lately?"

One brow rose. "I have to tell you? It's pretty obvious to me what's going on here."

He groaned and she let go of him, watching as his hand fell back to his side out of the corner of her eye. "You won't say it?"

"I'm not saying it first if that's what you're asking." His hands clenched into fists and she began working on her gun again. "I'm not doing anything about it first, either."

"You're a pain in the ass."

"I aim to please, Skipper."

"I highly doubt that."

"Aim. To. Please," she said forcefully, taking one of the pistols and pointing it at a small flashing dot in the upper corner of the room. One of three cameras monitoring the armory. "Too bad I can't shoot on the ship."

"Not bad."

She scoffed. "Flawless. You couldn't have done better if you tried."

"Says the lower rank."

"Says the one relying on biotics to be a badass."

"Who says you're a badass?"

"I do. Who else?"

He laughed and shook his head, running a hand through his hair. "This conversation took a turn."

"Is that wrong? Do you want me to keep harping on you to get the help we _all_ know you need?"

Shepard shrugged sheepishly. "It _is_ nice knowing I have someone watching my back."

"I've always watched your back," she retorted. "You know that."

"Then it's nice having someone look out for me."

Ashley tilted her head slightly to get a better look at him, just barely allowing herself to smile. "Ah, well...I just want you to be happy. Okay? There. I said it. And you disregarding your own pain is counterproductive to that goal."

"You make it sound so formal."

"I thrive on formalities, Shepard."

"That's a load of shit." She laughed once, rolling her eyes as she slid the locking mechanism back into place between the butt and the barrel of the gun. "But I want the same for you."

"We've established this. We've actually established this entire thing. And you're saying _I'm_ formal."

He ignored her. "And that means I'm going to worry about you, Ash."

"Can't have it all."

"So you're just going to have to like it."

"You say like. I say tolerate."

Shepard snorted a laugh. "Can you stop? Just for three seconds?"

"Do you want an honest answer, or...?"

" _Shut. Up._ "

And he kissed her.


	17. Chapter 17

An all too familiar crackling sound snapped him awake and he bolted upright, panting. Shepard took several labored breaths, eyes darting around his cabin as he tried to reel himself back in. He'd fallen asleep to numerous nightmares again, focused on the Blitz and Ashley and the Collectors and the Reapers and Cerberus, and anything and everything in between. It wasn't only Ash he was worried about, but Anderson, and his mom, and Hackett, and Kaidan, and his entire crew.

They wanted away from Cerberus. That could be dangerous for anyone close to any of them. Hurt Shepard's mother, and he'd be royally pissed. Threaten anyone he was close to, and that would be the end of it. But his sleep-addled brain still found it far more likely that if anyone was going to be targeted by the Illusive Man, it would be someone in Ashley's family. Shepard would bet his life on it. No matter how useful Shepard might be to Cerberus, to make them look reasonable in the galaxy's eyes, billions of credits had been put into making Ash an effective killing machine, and they all knew getting her out of Cerberus hands would be the real challenge.

Shepard was up for it. He fought Reapers and saved colonies. How hard could it be to protect one person from Cerberus?

He sighed and ran his hands down his face, stifling a yawn. Fighting a war and protecting someone? Maybe harder than he originally thought, but he'd still do it. He thought back to Virmire and knew for a fact he wasn't leaving her behind again.

"I was wondering if you were ever going to wake up."

Shepard sucked in a breath as his head snapped around to the figure peeking at him through his glass display case. He exhaled thickly, letting out a weak, embarrassed laugh, as Ashley's brows rose. "Yeah, sorry. I was just...dreaming."

"Oh, well obviously," she replied, circling around the landing to drop onto the couch beside him. "Did you forget I came up here last night?"

"How bad would it be if I said yes?"

She laughed. "Only a bit. You passed out on the couch as soon as we got up here."

Shepard tried not to grin. "I'm sorry. Yesterday was a long, shitty day."

Ash gave him a look, but then seemed to have decided he was right. "It got better."

He started to say something, but frowned. Her hair was wet. "Did you use my shower?"

"Does that bother you?"

"No, just...surprised," he said casually. "How'd you sleep?"

"Good, for once. It was nice sleeping in a bed." She hesitated before adding, "Thank you. I...appreciate it."

He smiled, practically beaming. "Anything for a pretty lady. Now, before you make some smart comeback, you should go back down to the crew deck before anyone notices you slept up here."

"You think anyone cares where I slept? As long as I'm not anywhere near them, the crew doesn't care what I do."

Shepard sighed, ran a hand down his face as he tried not to laugh. "I'll meet you and the others for breakfast in five minutes, all right? Can you just give me that time to myself? I need to think."

"Yeah, I'll meet you down there. Don't take too long, or Scuttlebutt will eat everything."

"I'm right behind you," he promised.

Ashley nodded absentmindedly, frowning at the wall before she turned and headed for the elevator. He waited until he was sure she left, then hopped in the shower. Scalding his skin under the torrent of hot water felt nice, helped him push his nightmares from his thoughts. It was his typical morning routine: wake up, burn the thoughts away, and get ready for whatever might need done. It worked surprisingly well for him, save the time on Horizon when he snapped. He didn't want to think about it.

Shepard reluctantly killed the water after running some soap through his messy hair, toweled off, and threw on the uniform Cerberus gave him. Before leaving, he grabbed his handgun and clipped it to his belt, then followed Ashley down to the crew deck. He stood in his usual place, smack in the center, with his arms clasped behind his back. The elevator rattled on at its average pace, stopping once at the CIC to allow Chambers to climb in.

"Everything all right?" Shepard asked.

Kelly nodded, stepping up beside him. "For the most part. I'd like to talk with you before you go into the city. A few members of the crew would like to speak with you as well."

"Sounds like I'm in for a busy morning," he replied.

"Sounds like it, sir," she agreed.

As the elevator slowed to a stop, Shepard swore he heard someone moving around the shaft above them. Kelly, however, seemed totally oblivious, and gave him a polite nod before exiting. He forced a smile back, waited for the doors to close, and jammed his finger into the lockdown button. When the order was acknowledged, he leapt up and grabbed the vent cover, sliding it off to the side to look up into the ship. Save the red maintenance lights that were now on, the shaft was too dark for him to see much of anything.

"EDI, scan the ship," he ordered.

"Of course, Commander." The AI's response was immediate, but so was her answer. "The crew is all accounted for, Shepard."

"No unwanted visitors?"

"Negative, Commander."

He gave his surroundings one last once-over before dropping back into the elevator. "Thank you, EDI. That will be all."

"Logging you out, Shepard."

Before raising the lockdown, he pulled the grate back over the hole. The doors slid open for him effortlessly and out he went, headed for the table his team used every morning to eat. Shepard made it mandatory for his ragtag lot to meet here for breakfast, solely because he considered it a team building exercise. Some of them never said a word to each other otherwise, or would never set foot in a combat zone with another. He needed them to be on somewhat friendly terms, or they'd never finish the mission.

Shepard sat at his customary place on the end of the bench, across from Garrus and Kaidan. Garrus was chowing down on...whatever that was, and Kaidan was eating a protein bar, watching Shepard's team with a guarded expression. Jack and Zaeed were currently playing some weird hand game, trying to twist each other's hands around at strange angles, and Jacob was focused on his food. Mordin was reading something on his datapad and eating some sort of green paste, but other than that, they were alone.

"Where's the rest of them?" Shepard asked, frowning slightly.

"Trakes is showering," Kaidan muttered. "Ash went off with the Cerberus witch as soon as she got down here. They're in her office."

"Really?"

Garrus nodded. "How much do you want to bet it's bad news?"

Shepard shrugged, grabbing a protein bar from its place beside Kaidan's elbow. "And Grunt?"

"Probably still down in engineering," Garrus said. "Krogan aren't big on socializing."

"Unless they're introducing you to their shotgun," Shepard said, giving a small smile. He tore the wrapper off the end of the protein bar, grimacing at the half-melted yogurt now on his hand. While he wiped it off on his pants, he caught Kaidan looking at him, an amused smirk plastered to his face. "Laugh it up, Alenko. It's just melted."

"Not what I'm laughing at," he said, taking another bite from his own meager breakfast.

His brows furrowed. "Then what—"

Overhead, he heard a bang. Not from the CIC, but from the vents. It sounded almost exactly like the one he heard in the vents. Someone was moving around in there.

The entire deck went quiet, so he took that to mean he wasn't going insane. The others were staring at the ceiling as well, just as confused and suspicious as he was. Part of Shepard wanted it to be his imagination, but the other part hoped it was that assassin Cerberus hired.

"What the hell was that?" Kaidan was on his feet as soon as the words left his mouth, reaching for his own sidearm.

"No idea," Shepard replied, following suit. "Whatever it was, it can't have been good."

The vent cover behind them fell to the floor with a clatter, and everyone on the deck whipped around to look. A few seconds later, a white mass fell ungracefully to the floor, groaning in pain. The person crawled from the small dip in the walkway and threw something up, hauling herself after it.

"Ashley?"

"I...fell," she explained, panting.

"What were you doing?' Shepard demanded, shoving his gun back into its holster.

"Camera," she said. "Bugs. Gotta...remove them." She rolled onto her side, groaning again, as she pushed herself up to her feet.

"What the actual hell were you doing it for now?"

She shook her head as she grabbed a small, blackish gray, camera from the floor. It was shoved into her bag before she replaced the vent cover, and marched over to the table they were standing around.

"It was Miranda's idea," Ash said. "She needed to tell you something without the Illusive Man being able to eavesdrop, and since I sort of know what I'm doing, she asked me to help."

"Miranda...went to you. For help," Garrus said.

She nodded, coughed into her elbow. "Surprising as it sounds, yes. Speaking of that, Commander, you'll want to go see her. Immediately. It's important."

* * *

When Ashley said important, Shepard wasn't expecting Miranda to tell him that the Illusive Man officially disavowed everyone on their ship. He also wasn't expecting to find out that Cerberus' best people were now the men and women tasked with stopping the Collectors. Stopping the Collectors and preserving any Reaper technology they might find along the way, specifically.

"So he knew that the Reapers were behind all this," Shepard said.

"Precisely," Miranda agreed, nodding. She wasn't looking at him, but Shepard could tell it was bothering her. Miranda had an undying devotion to Cerberus, that much was obvious, but apparently, trying to find ways to control the Reapers went beyond her limits.

"Are you okay?"

Her eyes snapped up to his. "I'll be fine. It's a little overwhelming to find out what he's been doing all these years, but...yes, I'll be fine in a while. I appreciate the concern, Commander, but it's not necessary."

"I don't know, Miranda. If I found out the man I looked up to was doing something like this, I'd be more than upset."

"It's all right, Shepard. This isn't even the main reason I wanted to speak with you."

"It's not?" He would've thought it was. This was pretty damn important information.

"No," Miranda said. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you about what you thought we should do now. Like it or not, anyone aboard the ship is no longer Cerberus. That means none of us have access to the intel the Illusive Man will now be sending to his new team. We won't be able to rely on him to get us anywhere, so we'll have to find a new way to get the data we need."

"Yeah, I got that," he said, sighing. "Do you have any ideas?"

"We need to get through the Omega 4 Relay. If the Collectors are being controlled by the Reapers, which Williams has confirmed for us on numerous occasions, we might be able to pass through the relay with the right Reaper technology. How we'd get that, I don't know, but I'm sure we could replicate the stress needed to unlock Williams' link with them. She might see something that could help us."

Shepard didn't like the idea. Immediately, he wanted to say no, but he also knew that was probably their best bet. He hated it. "The downside is, we might get everyone aboard the ship killed."

"Exactly," she said. "We'd need to find a safe place to restrain her before doing so, and record every minute of it."

"We're not doing this unless she agrees to it, Miranda," he said, fixing her with that stare of his. The Commander one, the one he knew no one could argue with.

"Do you really think she'll agree to being subjected to torture? Shepard, I've seen you talk to her, and I've seen the way she reluctantly agrees to do things your way, but I don't think you, or anyone for that matter, could convince Ashley that this is a good idea."

He sighed, looked down at his hands. The idea of putting Ashley through that again, it made him sick. The idea of doing it against her will made him feel like the worst excuse for a human being to ever walk the galaxy. But he still knew it was the only way they were going to get any information. After all the times they hacked Cerberus' databases, it wasn't like the Illusive Man would leave any intel behind that they could potentially get their hands on. And it wasn't like Cerberus was going to make tracking them easy as they went about finding their own way through the relay. They only had their unorthodox methods to rely on, and it was the only way Shepard thought they might be able to destroy the Collector homeworld.

"Will you let me try?"

"If you think you can, Shepard, be my guest," Miranda said. "But I highly doubt she'll agree to it. We'd be putting her through some serious pain, physical and mental."

He ran his hands through his hair as a breath left his lungs. "I'll think about this while we're on Illium. Once I decide what I'm doing, I'll let you know, all right?"

She nodded as he got up to leave. "And Shepard?" He looked back. "I actually need your help with something. I don't want to bring personal matters into this, now of all times, but..."

He sat back down. "No, go ahead. You need to be in this all the way, or we'll never get anything done."

While he listened to Miranda explain the situation she needed help with, he realized she didn't really trust him, and he didn't really trust her. But after what happened with the Illusive Man and Cerberus, he was the only person she could turn to, and briefly, as much as he told himself he didn't like her, he felt sorry for her.


	18. Chapter 18

As soon as Shepard set foot in the bridge, he lost his nerve. Joker stared up at him and said, "Are you sure about this, Commander?"

He shook his head. "No, but the crew has a right to know what's going on."

The pilot made a face and looked back to his console, tapping a few keys. "Comm's all yours, sir. Take as long as you like. It's not like we're going anywhere."

Shepard nodded, slapping on his Commander demeanor, and pressed the key at the end of Joker's systems. The speakers across the ship crackled behind him before he said, "Attention crew of the _Normandy,_ this is Commander Shepard speaking." He paused for a few seconds to gather his thoughts and take a deep breath. "As you all know, the Illusive Man has disavowed everyone on board this ship and branded us traitors to Cerberus. Most of you don't know why, but you deserve to.

"Recently, myself and my ground team located and infiltrated an abandoned Cerberus facility on the surface of Horizon. In that facility, we uncovered sensitive data implicating Cerberus and the Illusive Man in horrible tests on human beings, aliens, and animals, all in the name of 'furthering the human species as a whole.' That's nothing new. Cerberus has always been a little unorthodox compared to the Alliance. If that's where it stopped, we wouldn't be here right now. Unfortunately for us and for Cerberus, it was not. Data has been unsealed that proves the Illusive Man was experimenting with Reaper technology on human test subjects, specifically a valued member of our crew. When my team and I made the conscious decision to stop it, the Illusive Man made the decision to call us enemies.

"We're no longer Cerberus' ace in the hole, so to speak. A new team has been tasked with hunting down the Collectors to stop these abductions. And for those of you that don't know, the Collectors are being controlled to the Reapers. As far as I'm concerned, that means the Illusive Man wants more Reaper tech for God only knows what. I know those of you who weren't aboard the original _Normandy_ with me have your doubts about the Reapers, but I can assure you, they _are_ real, and they _are_ a threat. The Illusive Man is playing with something he can't control and we can't allow it to continue. We may be able to go our own separate ways now, but I ask any of you, _all_ of you, to stay with us while we hunt down the Collectors ourselves. They're threatening the safety of our homes, and we're the only ones left that can and will stop them."

He paused, looked away as he sighed. Ashley and Miranda were behind him, dutifully waiting to depart the ship. The former gave him an encouraging nod while the latter actually smiled.

"Our mission just became a whole lot more dangerous. I can't promise you'll return alive. All I can promise is that I'll do everything in my power to keep you safe. My crew is my family and I refuse to leave anyone behind, Cerberus or not. If any of you want to leave, now is the time to do so. I can't ask for anything from anyone except myself, and know we won't think any less of you for leaving." Shepard swallowed. When he said that, he meant it. These were his men now, and regardless of their background, they mattered to him just as much as his original crew did. He'd die for any single one of them. "All right, that's it. All information recovered will be shared with the crew. You have until our departure for the Citadel to make up your minds. Shepard out."

He flicked off the comm and Joker looked up at him, smiling in almost a sad way. "I'd get up like the rest of them, but it's hard on my legs."

"What?"

The pilot jerked his head back to the CIC. "Take a look for yourself, Commander."

So he did, turning only slightly, just enough to see that every single member of the crew was on their feet, standing at attention. His eyebrows nearly shot off his head in surprise as he fought the urge to gape.

Then they saluted. Every. Single. One. Of. Them, Ash and Miranda included. What really hit him was Miranda's salute. He didn't think of her as military; while she had the attitude for it, she just never felt like it to him, but there she was, giving him the same respect that he would give Hackett or Anderson. Shepard's gut lurched in a strange sense of pride at the thought, at the sight of them all. This was _his_ crew, not Anderson's. These were _his_ people. He'd earned their loyalty (somehow) and he refused to let them down.

Shepard took a deep breath and steeled himself for the coming days. Something was bound to go wrong; it always did, and there was a good chance this was that defining moment after everything already went to shit. If it wasn't that moment, Shepard didn't want to see what was. And if it was, he vowed to get them through it. He wouldn't fail his crew.

The two he was taking onto Nos Astra relaxed first, and he gave them a grim look full of determination. For God's sake, they were going into a city to talk with a friend and locate Miranda's sister, not marching off to war, but something about that moment was going to stick with Shepard forever.

"Let's go," he ordered.

"Yes, sir," they said in unison.

As they departed the ship, Shepard let out a heavy breath. Six billion credits on Ashley, another six on him, countless credits poured into rebuilding, _and_ upgrading, the _Normandy,_ and the Illusive Man just let them go. He turned to look at Ash, now on his left and out of place, and tried to read her expression past the visor. Needless to say, Shepard couldn't figure much out; she was standing in the same stance, with the same weapons, as always. But she was on his left, deferring to Miranda to guard the flank she'd had since Eden Prime.

"You could take that helmet off," he commented as he hit the release on the docking tube's door.

"Scuttlebutt told me the Alliance doesn't have reports on me," Ash said. "He said they don't know I'm alive, even though Anderson knows, and he knows. Meaning my family doesn't know."

"Your sisters—"

"Don't tell me anything about _my_ sisters," she snapped. "It's safest for everyone this way."

Shepard sighed and shook his head. "The Alliance is going to find out, one way or another."

"I'll deal with it when it becomes a problem," Ashley growled, staring ahead at the approaching asari. "Until then, leave it alone."

He grunted as his eyes fell on the two mechs heading the woman's approach. She stopped a healthy five feet away, her mechs stopping in time with her as she said, "Welcome to Nos Astra, Commander Shepard."

"A little excessive for a greeting," he said, eyes flicking to the armed machines. Given his latest experience around the things, he was surprised that he didn't find his hand closer to his pistol.

"We are the gateway to the Terminus Systems. One can never be too careful." Shepard nodded his agreement, but before he could say anything else, the asari added, "I've also been informed that all docking fees and additional costs have been waived for your visit."

"Wait, what? Why's that?"

"Liara T'soni has paid for it on your behalf, Commander," she said smoothly. "She asked me to direct you to her office at your earliest convenience."

"Where's her office?"

"It overlooks the trading floor." She nodded her head once. "Please, enjoy your stay." The asari took that moment to make her escape, turning and marching off with her mechs back the way she came. Shepard stared after her, somewhat confused.

"That was...weird," he decided aloud.

"Very," Miranda agreed. "Should we follow her?"

"Well," he said, looking around the docking bay, "it looks like that's the only way to go, so I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say yes." He jerked his head towards the branching hallway and started in its direction. A sign overhead labelled it as the trading floor, which didn't necessarily surprise him. He imagined most of the bays led to the trading floor; it was a good way to get someone to purchase something, especially tourists.

As they crossed through a waiting area, EDI said, "Commander, transportation records indicate a justicar has passed through Nos Astra very recently. Your former teammate, Liara T'soni, might have more information."

"And Thane?" he asked.

"Thane Krios is understandably difficult to locate. However, due to drell being such a rare sight off Kahje, it is very likely someone may have seen him. I would also direct you to speak with Liara on this matter."

"No way you're missing the lizard people," Ashley mumbled.

"I have a message for Miss Lawson as well."

"Go ahead," Miranda replied, pausing to listen.

"Lanteia has rented a room at Eternity. She is ready to meet with you now."

"Thank you, EDI."

Shepard stopped just before the door, looking at both of his party members with his arms crossed. "Guess we're postponing our meeting with Liara until a later date." Miranda's brows shot up, surprised, and Shepard chuckled. He never thought he'd see the day. "Miranda, you know where we're headed?"

She blinked, but nodded. "Yes, Commander."

"Lead on, then," he said, stepping aside.

The now ex-Cerberus agent weaved her way between Shepard and Ashley, walking rather purposefully out into the rest of the city. As soon as the doors slid open behind her, Shepard's eyes went wide. He knew they landed late in the day, but seeing that view stopped him in his tracks. He had a soft spot for cities, human and alien alike, and Nos Astra wasn't the exception. It was a side effect of growing up on space stations. Each city was new to him, and they all held a certain fascination that he never grew out of.

He found himself standing at the railing, hands firmly braced against the metal as he stared at the buildings. The skyscrapers were off in the distance, leaving the docking buildings and homes out in the rim, but it still demanded his attention; after all, it only gave him a better view.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ashley join him, leaning forward on her elbows. "Reminds me of when we first docked at the Citadel."

He felt the corner of his mouth quirk up in a smile. "So what you're telling me is I owe you a fancy dinner."

She laughed. "What I'm telling you is I wish Kaidan would stay on the ship."

"Yeah," he agreed quietly, watching a skycar pull from a lot somewhere on a higher level. "Me too."

"He tell you he's taking a shuttle back to Alliance space tomorrow?"

Shepard nodded. "Yeah, and leaving us with Trakes."

"He's not so bad," Ash said. Shepard shrugged halfheartedly and she put a hand on his shoulder. "Come on. Miranda's giving us that look of hers."

He followed Ashley's gaze to the right, where their other teammate was standing beside a kiosk. "I think that's just her face, Ash."

"Really? Because it makes me want to punch that stupid smirk off her mouth."

"What smirk?"

"Gone now," she replied smoothly. "Guess you're just too slow, hmm? I'm surprised you made it through N7 training, Commander."

"I'm surprised you made it through basic with that attitude," he retorted.

Ashley scoffed as she pushed off the balcony, strolling past Shepard with an annoyed smack off his shoulder. "I'll have you know I only got the shit end of the stick four times a week, sir."

"That's got to be a new record. For you _and_ the fleet."

"Worst of the worst and best of the best," she said proudly.

"Setting low expectations and meeting some of the hardest, eh?" he asked, brushing past an asari.

"Someone's gotta set the bar, Skipper, and it's sure as hell not going to be you. Not with your slow, pansy ass."

"Pansy? I fight Reapers for a living. My whole career is based off doing the impossible."

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"Well, I got you to give me a straightforward answer."

As they followed Miranda up a staircase on the opposite end of the trading floor, Ashley laughed again. "Yeah, put _that_ on a resume, and they're sure to hire you. 'Got Ashley Williams to be serious for five minutes.' That's what employers are looking for."

"'Who's this Ashley Williams you're talking about'? Oh, just some smartass marine who doesn't know when to shut up."

She smacked his shoulder again as they crossed through a small intersection and went up a few stairs. Miranda had drifted further ahead, but it was obvious to both of them where she was headed. She went off into a side room at a brisk pace, and as Shepard went to follow, Ashley stopped him with a hand on his arm.

"How much do you think this matters to her?"

"Huh?"

"Do you think this is about saving her sister, or getting back at her father?"

Shepard hesitated, looking between the open doorway and the hidden face behind the visor. "I don't know. Why?"

"Because, honestly, I'm looking at her right now and seeing the same person who went back to keep Sarah safe from her boyfriend."

"That's a bad thing?"

"I don't trust Miranda," Ashley said. "Everything I know about her... This isn't right. What if it's a trap?"

"And what if you still don't know where you start and the programming stops?" Ashley looked away and shook her head. "Do you really think getting your memories back is going to fix your problems?"

"I had hoped."

"This is a good example that it's not," Shepard whispered. "That's your friend in there, and you're telling yourself you don't trust her."

"She's not my—"

"I didn't ask you to go crawling through the vents, Ash," he said pointedly. "And I didn't ask Miranda to give you your life back. She _chose_ to."

Before she could think of an excuse to make up for either of them, Shepard strode towards the room Miranda disappeared in. He left Ashley standing there, and he didn't look back.


	19. Chapter 19

Yellow crept into view, and without a moment's hesitation, Shepard fired his shotgun into the distinctive armor of an Eclipse vanguard. Her barrier fizzled out and he leapt to his feet, leveling the barrel at her chest. Another pull of the trigger, and the asari crumpled in on herself, falling to the floor in a matter of seconds. With the proximity, blood got on his boots, and he had to push her body away with his foot to get back into cover.

A bullet smacked off his temple, ricocheting from his own protective barrier into the ceiling. He whipped, prepared to fire, but Ashley beat him to it, tackling the merc out of his line of sight. He imagined it didn't end well for the man.

Ahead of him, Miranda was braced behind one of the shipping crates, reloading her handgun as the captain, an asari that went by Enyala, prepared to throw a biotic field at her. Shepard shifted positions so he was braced above his own crate, sighted, and placed a shot right between her eyes. It didn't do much damage to the woman, just her barrier, but it got her attention. The field was thrown at him instead, launching him several feet into the air before yanking him back down hard enough that he saw stars.

Shepard shoved himself back into cover, groaning. His barrier was down, but he wasn't sure he had the willpower to charge across the small warzone to recover it. It might be better if he just skirted the main fighting and flanked them until it regenerated. Besides, now that Enyala had attacked him, she wasn't focusing on Miranda anymore, or even him. From what he could see, Ash was doing perfectly fine picking off the captain's mercs one at a time, pissing the asari off wherever she went.

His muscles protested as he pushed himself to his feet. He'd need a cold shower when they got back to the SR-2. Or a hot one. Whatever he felt like.

He began shifting to the left, intending to join Miranda at the end of the room while firing off shots at Enyala. It kept her distracted and got him where he was going, so he couldn't really complain, but it still strained him. His back was screaming from the biotic's slam.

"You good?" he asked.

"I'm running low on clips," Miranda answered, standing just above the crate for a brief few seconds. She pulled the trigger and he heard a man scream as he fell. "You have any spares?"

He nodded. "Yeah." Pulled one from his belt. "Here."

She dropped back down beside him, wincing, as she fumbled to reload. His brows furrowed in confusion. "Thanks."

"Are you...?" He hopped up into a crouch, moving around in front of her to get a better look. It exposed his side, but he trusted Ashley enough to keep doing what she was doing.

"I'm fine," Miranda said.

His frown deepened. Her sleeve was stained, a mix of red and the dust and dirt flying around the shipping yard, and Shepard wasn't sure what was what. "You're wounded, aren't you?"

Miranda gave him a cross look, but Shepard held her gaze. Dealing with her when she was hurt was a lot like dealing with Ashley, and after convincing the marine that yes, getting burned by a thresher maw's acid _did_ warrant medical attention, Shepard was sure he could convince the Cerberus agent just about anything was servere enough to need looked at.

He reached up to his ear. "Ash, you have any medical training I don't know about?"

It took a minute for her to reply. "The field training from basic is about all I can offer, unless one of you two had a heart attack and needs CPR."

"Miranda's bleeding," Shepard said. "Looks like a shot to the arm, but it's hard to tell in this lighting. Can you do anything about it?"

There was a bang from further along. Shepard risked looking up, readying himself to fire if necessary, but all he saw was a crate rolling towards a group of the Eclipse mercs. It wasn't a small crate, either.

"Yeah, I'm coming," she said. "Keep these idiots off me, would you?"

Shepard sighed and swapped out his assault rifle for his shotgun. "On it."

He stood and took a few steps back, holding his gun out at his side. The mercs that were the target of Ashley's crate were scattered now, but still in a close enough area that it wouldn't do much to protect them. They were firing in what he assumed was Ashley's general direction; she appeared a moment later, barely popping out enough to return fire with her handgun.

Shepard took a deep breath. "Get ready to run."

She glanced at him, gave a tired thumbs up. He returned the gesture, inhaled, and ran towards the mercs. He leapt the crates he and Miranda were hiding behind and didn't stop, throwing as much biotic force into his legs as he could manage. The next thing he knew, he was hitting Enyala hard enough that she hit the elevator. Her guards stared at him in shock.

"Kill him!"

Lazily, he lifted his shotgun, shot the closest man. He fell in a spurt of blood. No shields. Shepard dropped another woman before he had to take cover. Bullets bounced off his railing, damaging his barrier while it tried to recover from the fire it had taken moments ago. He shifted and to the right, himself against the wall. Several breaths escaped him as he recovered, but as soon as he caught it, he was back up again, leaping the railing and charging at an engineer. The salarian was in the middle of putting out a drone; Shepard didn't give him the chance to finish deploying it. One shot to the head to break through his shields, another to finish him off.

To his right, now by a crane of sorts, were the last of the mercenaries, clustered together for what they thought was safety. Shepard holstered his shotgun, took another running start, and jumped. He pulled on the energy radiating from his hardsuit's small generator, pushed it all into his fist. As he hit the floor, it exploded around him in a wave of purple light, throwing the group of mercs around like ragdolls. When he stood, they didn't.

"We're clear," he said into his comm. "How's Miranda?"

"Grazed," Ash said. "She's got a bullet lodged in her shoulder that Chakwas will have to remove, but other than that, she's fine." Across the room, he watched as Ashley stood and helped the other woman up. Shepard saw the strip of gauze tied around her upper arm. Red was staining it.

As he joined them, he said, "Why can't we just go one day without someone getting hurt?"

Miranda and Ashley exchanged glances. The latter shrugged. Miranda said, "It could've been a lot worse, Commander."

"Yeah," he agreed, returning his shotgun to its place on his lower back. "I guess so. Come on. Let's go make sure your sister is safe, then get out of here."

He didn't wait for their replies, but simply marched over to the elevator and hit the release to summon it. He watched it descend, bouncing on the balls of his feet impatiently. _Too slow...again._ The doors slid open to reveal a very much alive, very pissed, very bloody, Captain Enyala. Before any of them could react, the biotic launched them into the air with a field similar to the one that was still causing Shepard's back to throb. It slammed them down the same instant, jerking at such a weird angle Shepard was surprised his neck didn't snap.

He started to reach for his sidearm, but another field threw them back towards the other elevator. His head hit one of the metal pipes running across the wall; when he hit the floor, he could barely see straight, let alone get up.

A foot buried itself in his ribs, aimed for the unprotected layer of fabric and kevlar instead of the plates. She kicked him again, this time with biotic force behind it. He felt a rib (or three) break.

She rolled him onto his back, wrapping one hand around his throat while raising the other. It was crackling with purple energy. Shepard vaguely wondered if he would be able to defend himself if he tried to. Probably not, he decided.

"I'll smear the walls with your blood," she hissed.

Dazed and more confused than not, Shepard just stared back at her. There was a coppery taste in his mouth.

A gunshot rang out, loud enough his ears started ringing, and Enyala's mouth fell open in shock. Her grip on his throat slackened, not by much, but there it was. Breathing was slightly easier. He sucked in a pathetic excuse for a breath and clenched his fist, burying it in her jaw. She fell off him and Shepard rolled onto his side, coughing as his ribs vibrated. _Definitely broken._

Enyala's hand yanked him upright, shoved him into the wall. She barely got that far; an arm locked around her throat while another got hold of her temple. The merc captain was pulled off him, and even though he slumped, he knew the asari died. An audible crack reached his ears, followed quickly by the dull thud as her body hit the floor.

"Pain in the ass," someone grumbled. "You all right, Skipper?"

Shepard looked up and nodded, spitting out a glob of blood. Ash was watching him, brows furrowed in concern; her helmet was gone and blood was running down the side of her face. "Yeah, just a few broken ribs. Chakwas can handle those."

Ashley nodded in return before bending down to inspect the dead asari. Shepard let her do that, instead opting to check on Miranda. The officer was sitting up against the wall, breathing heavily through her nose and staring at the body of her friend, only a few feet away.

"Need some help?" he asked carefully.

Her eyes shot up to his, and she shook her head before getting to her feet. "No. I'm just thinking."

"Think later," Ashley interrupted. "We've got company."

Shepard turned, hand immediately pulling his pistol free. Ashley already had her handgun aimed for the newcomer, a man in a leather outfit with green, scaly skin. Shepard assumed he was a drell; earlier, Ash called them the "lizard people" and he'd never seen one before. Looking at this guy, Shepard understood the slang, even if he didn't agree with it.

"That's close enough," Shepard ordered.

He stopped, staring at the three of them. "Commander Shepard?"

"Who's asking?"

"An...interested party," the drell replied smoothly. "Cerberus hired me to kill you."

Ash glanced at him, cocked her gun, but Shepard gave her a look. The trigger wasn't pulled. "Then why haven't you already?"

"I've turned away all contracts to kill you in the past," he said. "This one...was used to get close to you with assistance."

His eyes narrowed and he returned the pistol to its holster. Ashley didn't take the hint, and he was glad for it. "Thane Krios?"

The drell nodded, blinking double lids. "I've been told you're of utmost importance to kill...by the Illusive Man himself." His dark eyes fell on Ashley, then Miranda, and he continued, "Why does he want two of his own people dead?"

"We stole his ship," Shepard answered. "And over twelve billion credits' worth of work."

"Bringing someone back from the dead is an expensive business."

"Two people," Shepard rectified. "Me. Her." He jerked his head in Ashley's direction for emphasis.

"Ah," Thane said. He was holding a sniper rifle, but it was returned to a sleeve on his back. "So both of my targets are in one place."

"He hired you to kill both of us?" Ashley demanded. "Then why haven't you?"

"Because there's a story behind it," Thane said calmly. "And like I said, I've turned away contracts to kill Shepard in the past. I'm not making any exceptions for Cerberus."

"So you aren't going to kill me?" The drell shook his head. "What about Ash?"

"Ashley Williams, left behind to detonate a bomb on Virmire for the safety of Commander Shepard and his crew," Thane said.

"Can I take that as a no?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered. "You should know I've been following you since you left your ship."

"Why?" Shepard asked.

"To understand. She flies Cerberus colors, but I've been paid by the Illusive Man to kill her captain and anyone who got in my way. You say you stole the ship and fled his command, but then why hire an assassin? Why not just blow the ship to dust? And if he was only going to kill you later, why bring you back to life in the first place?"

"It wasn't part of the original plan," Miranda said.

"I see. So you had a purpose then?"

"Human colonies are disappearing," Shepard said. "They're being harvested by the Collectors for God only knows what. The Illusive Man actually planned on us recruiting you for our mission, but that changed when we discovered...sensitive data that implicated Cerberus as...well, worse than they already are."

"May I ask what it was, exactly? The data?"

"Experimentation on the Reapers," Ashley interrupted. "Cerberus was... _is_ looking for ways to control them."

"And the Collectors are being controlled by the Reapers," Shepard added. "When we decided we weren't going to help the Illusive Man get more data to use, he disavowed my crew and declared us rogue."

"Brought back to fight the Collectors," Thane surmised. "A worthy goal, except that would require passing through the Omega 4 relay. No ship has ever survived doing so."

"They said the same about Ilos."

"Fair enough. You've built a career on performing the impossible."

Shepard glanced at Ashley, then Miranda, back to Thane. "Would you be willing to join us now, even without Cerberus' funding?"

"A suicide mission." He inhaled deeply, closed his eyes, nodded. "It'll do nicely. I'll work for you, Shepard. Free of charge." They shook hands, but Shepard knew it wasn't going to be that easy. Not with Ashley right there.

"Are you sure you want an assassin that _Cerberus_ hired to kill us on the ship?"

He groaned. "How did I know you were going to say something?"

"Because I use my head."

"Okay, you and I both know that's a load of shit," Shepard retorted. "You ran at a group of mercs today and threw shipping crates at them. Your files even list you as 'dangerously reckless.'"

"Cerberus hired him to _kill us,_ Shepard! And you're just letting him on the ship? What if this is just some game so he can trick you, and then stab you in the back?"

Something about that set him off. Between her comments earlier about Miranda and these ones about Thane now, Shepard was furious. "And if you're just acting like you care about me because Cerberus programmed it into you? How the hell am I supposed to know that the Illusive Man hasn't ordered _you_ to kill _me_? You're the only one on the ship that Cerberus can directly influence, Ashley! What if you've been ordered to turn me against everyone, and then kill me when you're the only person I have left?"

She reeled, taking a step back. "I wouldn't—"

"But you have no way of knowing! None of us do! There are so many what-ifs with you, and I keep you on the ship! Thane is less of a risk than you! Anyone is!"

Several emotions crossed her face. Betrayal. Hurt. Understanding. That last one would kill him later, he knew. Probably when he was regretting his choice of words. Probably when he was regretting this entire thing, to be exact.

"You're right," she said.

"Damn right I am," he snarled. Without another word, Shepard stormed over to the other elevator. Miranda cautiously followed, as did an expressionless Thane, but Ashley remained where she was. She didn't even look back at them, instead opting to go for her helmet and the opposite elevator.

Shepard smacked the button to close the doors faster. Then they were gone, and he was already regretting that argument.


	20. Chapter 20

One of her eyes cracked open as the door to the observation deck hissed. She half expected it to be Shepard, but why would she care? She didn't need to listen to him yell at her for smuggling more alcohol onto the ship, not after earlier.

But no, it was Kaidan. He had his equipment bag slung over a shoulder and his small guns thrown onto their clips, helmet tucked under his arm. The marine took a look around, spotted her, and sighed. Ash let her eye close as he joined her, sitting with a solid thud on the cool metal floor. He didn't say anything, and neither did she. Nothing needed to be said. He was Alliance, and she was Cerberus, whether she liked it or not.

"I heard what happened today."

"I deserved it," she said. Talking hurt her throat; it burned. She wasn't even entirely sure what she'd been drinking was safe for humans. Even if it wasn't, it wouldn't affect her. It never did, not anymore.

Kaidan stifled a laugh. "Ash, you always deserve it."

"Well, you're not wrong."

"That doesn't mean he had any right to say it."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure he had every right. It was only a matter of time before my mouth got me into trouble with the Commander."

"From what I've been hearing, that's not the kind of trouble it's already gotten you into."

"Already nose deep in the ship's gossip? It's like you never left."

He laughed and dropped the subject, allowing silence to lapse back over them. Ashley still didn't open her eyes, just sat there and enjoyed the comfortable, friendly quiet. It was rare for so much silence to be a good thing in her experience. If it was too quiet, the scientists were typically evacuated so they could run a stress test. She _hated_ those days.

"When you heading out, Scuttlebutt?"

"Whenever Shepard gets back. Say my goodbyes, wish you guys luck, that sort of stuff."

"Staying with Liara?"

"Until morning when I can catch a shuttle back to the fleet."

She made a noise in her throat, still didn't move. "You don't want to stay to hang out at one of those strip clubs?"

Kaidan cleared his throat awkwardly, much like the way he did back on Horizon. "Uh...no, thanks. I'd rather report back before I get snapped at."

"Yeah, hanging around with Cerberus isn't good for your image."

"Yeah," he agreed. "It won't be good for you either, not once this is over."

Ashley shook her head. "I'm not going back to the Alliance. I can't. Not like this. Not after...everything I've done. That's not my life anymore."

Kaidan sighed. "You were more proud to be in the Alliance than anyone I've ever met, and you're just going to throw it all away, all of your accomplishments and friends, to...what? Mope and be depressed?"

"Do I look depressed to you?"

"You look like you're trying to get drunk."

"And failing," she said, somewhat cheerfully in the most sarcastic way she could manage. "Did you know I can't get drunk? I asked Mordin about it. He says my body attacks and kills any foreign, potentially dangerous, stimuli."

"Don't change the subject, Ash." She looked at him with one eye again, and he actually seemed concerned. "You know this is going to be a problem once Shepard's defeated the Collectors. The Alliance won't just let you walk away. As far as they know, you defected. You aided Cerberus and you 'allowed' them to experiment on you with Reaper tech."

She opened her eyes and reached for the bottle by her ankle, pulling it up to inspect the label more closely. "Not to mention I killed a couple fire teams, blew up a frigate, and attempted to assassinate Admiral Mikhailovich. Keyword there is _attempted._ " She swallowed a mouthful of whatever the hell it was (she couldn't read that language) and frowned.

"You...what?"

"Exactly," she replied. "I don't know what I've done. That's only what I remember, and if I really think about it, I'm pretty sure I _did_ kill that Admiral. He's dead right? Suspect never caught? Bullet right between the eyes?"

"Well then."

"I'll take that as a yes." She settled into her place, let out a sigh. "Kaidan, when this is over, I'm not going to make it back to Alliance space. With my track record the past couple of years, I'll be given the death penalty for treason."

"Anderson and Shepard could get you a pardon. You helped defeat Saren, and you're working to stop the Collectors now."

Ashley fixed him with a look, one eyebrow raised. "What if I don't want to be pardoned? What if I think I deserve it?"

"You can't be serious."

"And you can't seriously think the Alliance is just going to excuse what I've done because of a little chip in my brain."

"Shepard is a Spectre. The Alliance risks a lot with the Council if they go against a pardon he recommends."

"Believe what you want," Ashley said, looking back to the wall. "If I go back to Alliance space, I'm dead."

Kaidan rolled his eyes. "Stop being so melodramatic," he said. "I didn't come down here to wallow in your self-pity. I came down here to give you something."

"First off, I'm not 'wallowing in self-pity,' and second off, I don't want whatever the hell you're going to give me. If it's anything like the _last_ gift, I'm going to punch you."

"Ashley, you're drinking after arguing with Shepard, and trying to convince me that you're going to be given the death penalty. You're not even wallowing. You're just drowning yourself," Kaidan said. "Now shut up and have a little faith. We _were_ friends once. And after talking to Shepard, I figured you'd want these." He handed her a small black box. "Before you ask, I'm not telling you how I got them. Liara pulled a lot of strings and I had to lie through _so_ many stories before she forked them over."

She gave him a cross look, instantly suspicious. "That's what you've been doing all day? Lying to Liara?"

"Just open the damn box before she comes looking for me."

"If it'll shut you up," she said. She held the box up on her knee, staring at it as she tried to guess what was inside. Whatever it was, it wasn't heavy. The box didn't weigh much of anything; she could hardly even tell it was in her hand. She glanced at Kaidan again before flicking the top off and dropping its contents into her palm.

As soon as her eyes locked on the scorched silver chain and burnt little plates, her heart nearly stopped beating. Her dog tags. Her _Alliance_ dog tags. She thought they were lost on Virmire. Anyone with a brain would've assumed that.

"How...?"

"I told you not to ask me that," Kaidan grumbled, shifting so his bag was in a mors comfortable spot. "Shepard told me Virmire had been bothering you back when we found the Cerberus facility on Horizon. I got in touch with Liara and asked if any of her contacts could get your tags for me. I figured it might help you cope...or something. I don't have the faintest idea of what you're going through."

Ashley didn't, couldn't, take her eyes off them. "I guess that makes our conversation a little ironic."

Kaidan chuckled and patted her shoulder. She almost cringed, almost, because of the urge to bury a fist in his throat. It had been a while since one of those urges had been so overwhelmingly noticeable, but she managed to stifle it.

"I guess so," he agreed. "But seriously, Ash. Consider coming back to the Alliance. If you're right about the Reapers' involvement with the Collectors, the Alliance could really use the intel."

"Kaidan, they're not going to let it go," she retorted. "Not the things I've done for Cerberus."

"They could be persuaded," he said. "There's proof you're innocent. Shepard has the evidence and the pull to get it analyzed. People have been pardoned in stranger situations."

"Now you're exaggerating."

"Okay, but still. Trade details on Cerberus ops and their research, give up what you can on the Reapers, and command is more than likely to let you drift off to some colony."

She sighed. "I don't want to 'drift off.' I want to help the Alliance. I _want_ to go back, but I can't."

"Not with that attitude," Kaidan said.

"Look, don't start—"

"Hackett will let you back in the fleet. You might not get reinstated, but you'd be on one of our ships, and you'd serve in a civilian role, but you'd be Alliance again."

"Maybe. I don't know. It's not worth worrying about right now. There's a good chance none of us will be coming back from a trip through the Omega 4 relay anyhow." Kaidan shrugged, but didn't say anything. He just got to his feet, stretched. "I should probably say thanks before I come off as ungrateful. I really do appreciate this, Scuttlebutt. It...I honestly don't know how to say thank you, really. I mean..."

"Too bad your memory is damaged. I'm really missing your poems, Ash."

She rolled her eyes and stood, grabbing him in a hug. It wasn't something she was used to doing, touching another person, and it definitely wasn't what Kaidan expected, but he hugged her back anyway. It was an act of desperation in a moment of fear. The realization that she just might die again hit her hard, and Kaidan was probably worried about her, Shepard, Garrus, Trakes, all of them.

"You take care of yourself," he said. "And Shepard. That's an order."

Ashley laughed, but it was little more than a bitter scoff. "I don't take orders from you, remember?"

"Then don't do anything stupid without me."

"The dumbest thing I could do is let you walk off this ship."

"Don't do anything dumber than that," Kaidan ordered. "If the Collectors need blown up, do it from orbit."

She let go of him, frowning. "Was that supposed to be a joke?"

"A very bad one, yeah."

"Oh, well as long as you know it's bad, that makes it okay," she said, rolling her eyes.

He laughed. "That's usually how it works."

Ashley rolled her eyes again, shaking her head, and looked back down at the blackened tags in her hand. She felt her throat tighten as she tried to swallow, but ignored it. Her eyes flicked back up to Kaidan and she said, "Thanks, Scuttlebutt. Really."

He waved it aside. "It wasn't as hard as I was pretending. Convincing Liara that I needed them to send back to your family, maybe, but getting them? No, not really."

"Liara doesn't know...?"

Kaidan shook his head. "That's not something I want to get involved with." Ashley frowned again, but nodded anyway, and forced a smile. "I should be going. Shepard will be coming back and I want to meet him outside."

"Yeah," she said, distracted. "No, yeah I get it." Forcing a smile wasn't hard this time. "Be safe."

"Same to you." He clapped an arm on her shoulder, returned the smile. Then he took his things and marched from the room. Ashley watched him go, fingers flexing around the small pieces of metal in her hand. She couldn't look at them now, but kept opening and closing her hand like she half expected them to disappear with Kaidan. It was stupid to think, but life was a pain in the ass, and Ashley wouldn't have been surprised if they _did_ vanish.

She glanced back at the floor, at the clearish blue bottle of purple whatever, back at her dog tags, and sighed, running a hand through her hair. This had been a pretty pathetic state for Kaidan to find her in, but then again, it was part of her usual day. It hadn't bothered her that much, drinking constantly, until someone actually caught her doing it. After all, it didn't hurt her, and she didn't get drunk, so why _should_ it bother her?

 _I'm better than this._

Ashley threw the chain around her neck with a strange feeling of disgust worming its way into her head. It was too familiar, too much Alliance crap, but she decided that was a good sign. If it pissed her off, she was learning it was most likely Cerberus lies. She could remember what was her now, at the very least. It was helping. That was, in part, due to Miranda's "brilliant" ideas.

Roll her eyes at herself, get rid of the mystery drink, go. She did it all in a matter of seconds, grabbing a bottle of water from the mess sergeant before heading back to the elevator. Instead of wasting time, Ashley could be fixing her hardsuit, or bitching with Jacob about the stupidity of putting the armory up by the CIC. Looking at that man, it was possible to see the Alliance in him. She guessed it was possible to see it in her too, and Shepard, and a large portion of the _Normandy's_ crew. Cerberus got their troops from Alliance rejects...or stole them. Or did some weird ass science shit and brought dead soldiers back to life.

The elevator stopped in the same oddly abrupt way it always had, leaving her wondering why they even used them on ships, and she stepped off, turning to the left. Ashley walked into the armory and headed for the area she and Jacob silently agreed was just hers, and got to work. Her counterpart gave a polite nod in greeting, one she returned, before she dropped onto a stool.

"Long day?" Jacob asked.

Ashley snorted as she worked her hair back into a bun. "Long life."

He grinned at her and shook his head. "'Specially in your case."

"And Shepard's," she said, reaching for her backpack. It was something new, carrying it instead of her rifles, but it worked out today. She stashed whatever equipment she could manage to carry inside, ranging from basic medical supplies to a storage card she kept full of computer viruses. The medical supplies would have to be replaced before she left the ship again, assuming Shepard didn't kick her off permanently when he got back. It wouldn't surprise her if he did.

"Miranda okay?"

Ashley looked up from her disorganized pile and said, "Yeah, seemed like it to me. A shot to the arm isn't that big a deal if you have medigel on hand. I did, so she should be fine."

"I meant with her sister."

"Oh." Ashley looked back down and threw her repair kit on her table. "I don't know. She was pissed most of the time we were in the shipping yard, but..." She shrugged, tossing a pair of snips back and forth in her hands. "The Eclipse captain killed one of her friends." Ashley made a motion past her head, letting out a laugh of disbelief. "I don't know," she repeated. "Whatever it was, I get it. Or I think I do. If my father was anything like hers...I would've taken my sisters and ran, too."

She turned back to her things, taking her helmet into her lap as she pulled the cover off the back. That last biotic field did a number to the sensors inside and shattered her visor. Repairing so damage was unlikely, but she could always try.

"You miss them?"

Her head snapped up. Jacob had now turned to face her, leaning against his workspace with his arms crossed. "What?"

"Your sisters. Do you miss them?"

Ashley shook her head instantly. "No." The way she said it let him know that was the end of the conversation, whether he liked it or not. It was such an obvious lie anyway, and didn't need more explanation. Of course she missed her family. They were everything to her, but she never once tried to contact them despite always wanting to.

 _Toxic,_ she thought, grabbing a canister of pressurized air from her pocket of tools. She sprayed it over the electronics, watching carefully to see if any parts came flying out with the dust and dirt. Fortunately enough, not much came out of the systems in the first place, and she threw the air can back in her backpack. She blew on the upper breadboard just to be sure, then pushed it aside to check the soldering connections. Still intact, so she went to the next. She didn't even have to look at it to see the problem.

"EDI, where's the nearest electronics shop?"

"There's a kiosk on the trading floor," the AI said immediately. "It is partnered with a local chain of stores. Any items that are purchased should be delivered early in the morning."

"If I give you a list, can you put in a requisition order?"

"Yes."

"I'll put it in when I wake up, then," she said, tossing her helmet back onto the table. "I'm not resoldering half that crap only to break it again."

"Then don't use a helmet," Jacob suggested. He wasn't looking at her.

"Because a dead marine walking around in Cerberus armor is something to advertise."

"Paint over it."

"No."

"Then deal with it."

"How about you deal with my foot up your ass."

"Quit your whining."

She scoffed, but set her tools down. She _could_ paint her hardsuit. The ship stocked the necessary paint; Shepard changed the colors of his all the time. Garrus made a joke about it before, said they should play a game of "guess Shepard's armor color for the week." If he could do it, why couldn't she? He'd even told her to. As a matter of fact, she was sure everyone had told her to at some point. Cerberus anything had a way of calming and disgusting her all at once, and the one time she'd actually talked to Kelly, she suggested removing as much of the organization from her life as possible. That, of course, was before they were all disavowed and basically told to go fuck themselves.

"Actually...I might do that," Ashley said. "If I throw this in a locker, EDI, can you program the systems to paint this piece of crap?"

"The ship's systems can also repair minor hardsuit damage," she said.

"That makes my life so much easier. Thank you."

"I've been asked to send you to the Commander's cabin as well," EDI reported. "He said it was important."

"Shepard's back?"

"Obviously," Jacob commented.

Ashley shot his back a dark look as she got to her feet. "That was a rhetorical question. Tell him I'll be there in a minute, EDI."

"Of course. Logging you out."

She looked at her cluttered table once, sighing, and grabbed her unopened bottle of water. Before returning to the elevator, she got a mouthful of it, frowning slightly. She was one of those people who _knew_ all water didn't taste the same. It left a strange aftertaste in her mouth.

As Ashley left the armory, she caught sight of that drell, Thane, talking with an asari. They were headed for the elevator as well, and while part of her debated about waiting until they were gone to call for it again, she decided she might as well get it over with. The two of them got on and she slipped in after them, sticking to the back corner of the compartment.

"I wasn't aware you would be returning to the ship," Thane said. It didn't have any underlying meaning, not with that tone, but Ashley nearly leapt on it like it was bait and she the fish.

"Shepard isn't going to kick me off that easily," Ashley said carefully. "Not for that. I've said worse and he's dealt with it."

"Surprising. He didn't respond well to racism throughout the course of the day, yours or not."

"It's not racism," she snapped. "Not really. I just know where aliens draw the line, and where humans should in regards to it."

The asari, a frighteningly serious woman about the same height as Ashley, gave her a look, then said to Thane, "This is a Cerberus vessel. Racism shouldn't surprise you."

Ashley rolled her eyes and jammed her finger in the button for Shepard's floor. The two of them got off as she stepped back into her corner, crossing her arms over her chest. She hated being associated with Cerberus, but, then again, she had deserved that one too, hadn't she?


	21. Chapter 21

The lights were off when she opened the door to Shepard's cabin. She frowned, reached for the switch. When Ashley didn't see him, she sighed, ran a hand down her face, and went down towards his couch. Shepard was sitting in his usual corner, clutching a datapad his hands so tightly that his knuckles were white.

"EDI said you needed me." It wasn't a question.

Shepard's head snapped up abruptly and her brows furrowed. Since getting off the Lazarus Project's station, Shepard had been struggling to keep control of his own temper; it was evident in the angry red scars that flared up occasionally, typically on a bad day for him. Lately, he'd been getting better at it, but something must've set him off today. One of the scars was cutting across his jaw.

"Yeah," he said, tossing the datapad onto his desk. "Sit." She didn't move, but instead just stared at him, both brows raised. The Commander stared right back at her before pinching the bridge of his nose. "Ash, trust me, okay? I don't have the energy to get into it again."

Ashley's brows went up. "Something happen?"

"Sit and I'll tell you." She did, keeping a healthy distance that Shepard's narrowed eyes caught. "You don't have to..." He shook his head. "Never mind."

"All right, so what's this about? Finally gonna kick me off the ship?"

"What? No. I don't...I didn't mean what I said earlier, Ash. I was just...frustrated."

"You meant it. Don't try lying to me."

He waved her aside, crossing a leg over another as he tried to relax. It wasn't working. That much was obvious from the way he kept fidgeting. Ashley was tempted to tell him to spit it out, but she kept quiet. He'd get around to it when he was ready to, as always. Instead, she took a page out of his book and did what she could to get comfortable, or as comfortable as she could get. It was rare that Shepard didn't have the words he needed. It made her as restless as he looked. She didn't like it.

"I... _we_ need your help," he finally said. "The crew, me, Miranda, all of us. It's like...how I was needed for my visions of the Protheans. It helped us to know where Saren was going and what he was doing."

Understanding dawned in her eyes as she nodded. "And you need to know if there's anything I can do to get us through the Omega 4 relay because of my...'visions' of the Reapers." She made sure she put air quotes around the "visions" part. They weren't visions. Not in the same sense Shepard's were. Her issue was a lot more...complicated.

"Exactly," Shepard said. "You have a connection with them. And without Cerberus' intel, there's a good chance we won't be the ones getting through that relay."

"Except I don't just _see_ Reapers," Ashley said. "There's a lot of baggage with it. You know...like dancing the line between humanity and indoctrination. Barely being coherent enough to understand what I'm seeing."

"We have Samara. That asari justicar? We can do exactly what we did back on the SR-1."

"Let some random asari into my head? You think I'm going to be okay with that?"

"No," he replied, shaking his head. "I didn't. Miranda didn't. I doubt anyone would expect you to allow that. I was hoping...I could persuade you. After all, this is your life we're endangering, and you're the one that has to suffer through that...stress."

She arched a brow. "Yeah, reminding me of what it takes to even get that far is going to help your case." Shepard gave her a small smile. "But luckily for you, I think I know a way to get what you're looking for. Painlessly. Or...as close to painlessly as this is going to get."

"Oh really?"

Ashley nodded, wringing her hands together before slapping them on her knees. "You're not going to like it. Hell, I don't even like it. I'd rather die all over again than..." She frowned. "Wow, that was ironic."

"Oh. _Oh._ You mean...?"

"Going back to Virmire?"

"Yeah, you were right. I don't like that idea," Shepard said. He got to his feet, crossing his arms as he went back to his desk. "Don't think Garrus will, either, or Joker. That planet was... It was all shit, but you already know that."

She wasn't sure why she stood, but she sure as hell wasn't going to sit back down. "If I can handle it, you can." He glanced back at her, just over his shoulder, and shook his head. His hands were clenched around his desk, flexing his fingers and rolling his knuckles. There was something wrong. Not just the thought of having to go back to that planet, but something else. Against her better judgement, Ashley stepped up beside him, a lot closer than she probably should've been. However dumb it was, she didn't regret it. Even as she seemed to gain some semblance of control over her life, Shepard seemed to lose control of his, and there was something sickly unfair about it.

"Shepard?"

"I'm fine," he said.

"Didn't I just tell you not to lie to me? I know you're not. You've been...off since Horizon."

He shook his head. "I'm fine," he repeated. "Just...thinking. Virmire was a shitstorm waiting to happen and I made too many bad calls. It gets me thinking about the rest of the bad calls I've made, and it goes downhill from there."

"You did what you thought was right."

"If I did that, you'd have been in Kaidan's shoes," Shepard said.

"It wasn't a bad call. One of us was going to die. There's no changing that," she said. "Just like there's no changing where I am, where you are, where Kaidan is, and so on. It is what it is. Take what you can get."

A smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth. "Cerberus taught you how to use your words."

"It doesn't help that trying to remember any of those stupid poems gives me a headache."

"We'll get it sorted out, Ash," Shepard said. "One way or another."

"Insert sappy poem here."

He laughed and shook his head, sighing. He was smiling now, faintly, but it was there. She returned the gesture. "Are you sure you're up for that, though? Going back to Virmire? That might trigger something worse than a little panic attack."

"I can handle it," she said. "I've shaken off indoctrination once already. What about you? Can you handle it?"

Shepard swallowed, but nodded. "Yeah, definitely. It'll just...be hard. Sometimes, I'll wake up and expect this all to have been some sick nightmare. You being here, I mean. Going back... I haven't forgiven myself for that, Ash, and I don't think this will help."

"I _died_ on Virmire," Ashley said. "I died because you chose Kaidan." He looked up from the table, brows creasing together in worry. "And I've forgiven you for it. Even when...when I overheard that the original _Normandy_ had been blown up, that you'd died too, I still forgave you. I've never blamed you for it and I never will."

"Wait, you heard about me dying? When?"

"When I was in that facility on Horizon. Shepard, I was fully aware most of the time I was there. These implants... All of them were installed at the Lazarus Project. The only thing that really happened on Horizon was the..." Her voice caught and she had to look away, swallow, to recover. "Research. Torture. Whatever you want to call it. It wasn't until you died that the Illusive Man decided I'd be more useful as a puppet. So...yeah. While Cerberus recovered your body, I was being thrown around in that half-aware state like a ragdoll. I killed Alliance officers, marines, anyone who opposed Cerberus. 'Testing,' they said. To make sure I could kill you if it came down to it."

Shepard frowned. "Could you?"

She shook her head. "I'm sure they beat enough combat skills into me that I could without much effort. Not that I'd ever want to."

"And if the Illusive Man made you?"

"He'd better keep me under for the rest of my life," Ashley growled. "Or he'd be next." Her fists clenched, but she let out a breath and forced herself to relax. "The point is, I could've been furious with you about Virmire. I could've been glad that you got killed, but I wasn't. And Cerberus flaunted it at me as much as they could just to make my life more miserable. Just like they planned to flaunt me at you."

"The Illusive Man is a bastard," Shepard agreed. "He'll get what he deserves one of these days. I'll make sure of it." Ashley just shrugged, staring at the wall now. "But you have to give him credit...he did get one thing right."

"What's that?"

Shepard turned and hopped onto his desk, looking up at his ceiling. It was made similarly to the observation decks, allowing him to look at the stars but capable of being closed over in a firefight. "Losing control of you is going to bite him in the ass."

"The Reapers thought the same thing," Ashley said, following his gaze as she turned to lean against the edge of the desk. "They're afraid of you. You've killed them before. But me, they think I threaten their purpose. They think I'm proof their cycle is unnecessary."

"Good thing you're on my ship then," Shepard said. "I need all the morale boosts you're gonna bring with _that_ one." She huffed, rolling her eyes in mild amusement. "In all seriousness though...how bad do you think it'll be?"

"Words can't describe how terrified I am. You saw what happened to the Protheans. Now imagine that through the eyes of the Reapers, only hundreds of thousands of times more...violent. Imagine it compressed into less than a second, and understanding all of it, and wanting to help it happen again. Imagine seeing it from the very beginning. Every bloody second of it."

"How many?" he asked quietly. "Before us. Before the Protheans?"

"Too many."

Shepard rested a hand on her shoulder. "We'll get it done, Ash. We'll stop the Collectors now, and we'll stop the Reapers when they get here."

"I believe you."

"After everything you just told me? I was saying that for myself, really. Not you."

"You scare them for a good reason, Skipper. If anyone can get us through this, it's you."

He squeezed her shoulder and she smiled. "Thanks, Ash."

She got up on his desk, sitting beside him, and staring at the distant, unmoving stars overhead. Buildings loomed just on the edges of the window, but were far enough back that it was easy to imagine the same comfort she felt sitting in the armory.

"You don't need to thank me for being honest. None of us would be here if we didn't believe in you."

"Sometimes I need to hear it from another person," Shepard admitted. "It keeps me focused."

For a while, they were silent, watching as skycars passed overhead, and listening to other ships as they docked or left Nos Astra. It was more relaxing than sitting in the armory, wedged under one of the tables so she'd be left alone. That was, partially, due to Shepard. He had a way of calming her, whether or not he was trying to. When she told him she was terrified of the Reapers, she was being honest, but having him beside her did wonders to keep any fear from entering her voice, or from getting scared at the mere thought of experiencing what she'd seen during her encounter with Harbinger. He wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination; they argued constantly about her feelings on aliens, or on the decisions he'd made, but it worked. She was glad it did, but she still couldn't forget what they'd just fought about only a few hours ago.

"Do you trust me?"

Shepard looked down at her. "Of course I do."

"But what if you're right? About me being...programmed to gain your trust, only to turn around and kill you later?"

"Then we'll deal with it when it happens," he said. "I'm not losing you again."

"Lucky for you, I don't plan on dying again anytime soon." Ashley's eyes flicked over to his briefly before returning to the window. "Or letting Cerberus get their hands on me. This is my fight, too. I plan on seeing it through."

She could hear the smile in his voice. "Nothing like getting a moment where you're yourself again."

Ashley closed her eyes and let her head fall on his shoulder, exhaling a deep breath. "As weird as it sounds, the worst part of being in that facility was thinking I'd lost you." Shepard sucked in a huge breath like he was surprised, but she ignored it. "I don't know what I was thinking. It wasn't like I was in any shape to break out and find you if you _hadn't_ died, but...it hurt. It hurt more than anything the scientists ever could've done. When you snapped me out of that...that thing, back when we just escaped the station, I could've cried if I hadn't been so confused."

"You are such a sap sometimes," Shepard said. "I really should buy you a poetry book. Then it'll be like nothing ever happened." She laughed, mostly in disbelief, and Shepard continued, "But yeah, I trust you. Cerberus can't program feelings like that. And besides, you've always been honest with me. Sometimes it's annoying, but you don't beat around the bush. It's part of why I like you."

"As much as they tried, I don't think they really got rid of my personality."

"One of the days I'm glad you're so stubborn." He rested his cheek on her head and her throat tightened. It was so painfully sweet that she could hardly take it. She tried to swallow past the lump forming in her throat, but it was hard. This was the first real time it was hitting her that they'd both died, been brought back to life by an organization they both despised, and still ended up back in the same position they were in when they were hunting Saren. It made her chest ache.

"If you had to...could you leave me behind again?"

Shepard stiffened, but his answer was instant. He didn't need to think about it. "No. Not again. I need you here."

Ashley let out a shaky breath and focused on the fish swimming around in Shepard's tank. It wasn't like she was about to cry, but whenever something hit her like that, it scared her. Her life was slowly falling back into place and she didn't know how to deal with it. She wasn't ready for it. Fighting off all those feelings and urges still wasn't easy, but it was a fight, and it was a fight she had to win on her own. She didn't know what she'd do with herself if she ever got free of Cerberus' indoctrination. Every step that got her closer to it...moments like these... It only got scarier.

"I'm happy to hear it."

She'd never be free of Cerberus, not completely, and she'd never be completely free of the Reapers, but there were some parts of her that neither of them could ever touch. That first time she'd really seen Shepard _as_ Shepard had been one of the most relieving and stunned-her-stupid moments in her entire life, and not because she'd thought he was dead. It was because he came back. She'd lost him, and he came back. That overwhelming feeling in her gut had told her she was in way too deep with this man. Ashley didn't care, but she knew it. With where they were going, there was no way this would end well for either of them.

And no one could touch it. Not her, not Shepard, not Cerberus, and not the Reapers. That snapped her out of so many potentially dangerous situations that she'd come to rely on him for it. In the back of her mind, there was that insistent voice, the one that said caring for anyone was a weakness, the one that Cerberus had planted there without trying to.

Ashley ignored it and closed her eyes again, taking a large breath in. The way it filled her lungs was soothing. It was her decision to ignore it, and it was her decision to stay where she was. That was what mattered to her in the end. Not that there was a good chance this thing they had would bite them in the ass, not that the Illusive Man tried to wipe the feelings from her, but that she chose to stay when leaving would've been easier.

"Shepard?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you. For coming back."

He leant back, forcing her to sit up, and he had the dumbest grin on his face. It made him look younger, much more like the idealistic idiot of a commander she'd run across the galaxy with before.

"I should probably say the same," Shepard said. "If I were you, I'd have left after our...argument earlier."

"No, you wouldn't have," Ashley said. "Too many reasons to come back."

Shepard's grin returned and he kissed her. It was brief, sloppy, stupid even, but there was something distinctly _Shepard_ about it that made her smile. Even when he pulled away, he still rested his forehead against hers, and neither of them made to move. She found herself running a thumb over the thin scar on his jaw, frowning as she traced it down to his chin, completely oblivious to the face he was making while she did it.

"That tickles, y'know. In a bad way," Shepard whispered. "And we both need to go get some sleep for tomorrow."

"Oh, I've found a soft spot," she teased. "I didn't know you were ticklish."

"In the bad way!" he repeated, this time defensively.

Ashley laughed and shook her head, moving away to drop onto her own two feet. She stretched, bit her tongue to stifle a yawn, and scratched the base of her skull, right beneath the tight bun her hair usually found itself in.

"I didn't know there was a good way to be ticklish."

"There is. It typically lands you in bed with someone, but..." Shepard trailed off with a shrug and a suggestive wink, giving her another grin. She returned the gesture, unable to help herself as she debated between hugging him and leaving. Kissing someone was one thing; it could be insensitive and pointless, but holding someone was different, more intimate. Or maybe she was just stupid. Or both.

As it turned out, she didn't have to choose. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her into his chest before she could stop him, and unlike the time on Horizon, Ashley hugged him back. It wasn't as gentle as that time either, but more desperate, like he expected her to vanish from his arms. It was ridiculous, but she could understand.

When they broke, he walked her out to the elevator. Shepard looked less...upbeat now, but he was still much more relaxed than he had been when she'd first come up.

"After we get Tali, we go to Virmire," Shepard decided.

Ashley hit the button to call the elevator up and nodded. "Agreed."

"We're not letting Cerberus get to the Collectors first."


	22. Chapter 22

Spitballing ideas with an AI wasn't something Ashley ever thought she'd do, but when Shepard came up into the armory to get her the next morning, that's exactly what she was doing. Trying to come up with ways to fix her stupid helmet. Fixing the display wasnt difficult, but finding the short in the power system was becoming a pain in the ass. She hadn't slept at all because of it.

"What are you even doing?" Shepard asked, leaning his shoulder on the wall.

"Trying to fix this piece of crap," Ashley grumbled. "When I hit the wall yesterday, Enyala managed to smash some of the sensors that link with my hardsuit. She went to elbow me when I pulled her off you, but all she did was crack the visor." She held her helmet up for him to see, turned it so he could see the display. "I can always buy a new thing of glass for this, but I'd have to program it and EDI would have to go over it, and I'd rather not."

"Let me see it," he said. Ash tossed it to him and he caught it, turning the helmet over in his hands. "This is more advanced than the equipment we get in the Alliance."

"That's why I want to fix it. It's probably the most vital part of my armor."

Shepard frowned as he hit the lock for the visor. It clamped into the lower half with a snap. "How does Cerberus come up with half of this shit?"

"Lots of science," Ashley said, holding her hand out. Shepard threw the helmet back to her and she put it on the table, sighing. "Lots of bullshit. The same way the Alliance gets new tech, actually." Shepard chuckled and shook his head. "Anyway, did you need something, Skipper?"

"Yeah." He jerked his head at the door. "Go grab something to eat and meet Garrus and I at the airlock. Liara needs our help, and I'd rather bring people she can trust than some ex-Cerberus fanatic."

Ashley hesitated. "Are you... Are you sure about that? I mean...wouldn't you rather take Trakes?"

"I'd have asked Trakes if I wanted him to come," Shepard said. "But I asked you. Are you coming or not?"

"I...guess so," she said. "But I don't have..." She frowned and rubbed the back of her neck. "How am I supposed to explain?"

"That's not something I can help you with. Everyone knew I was alive before I even saw them, except Tali." He shrugged. "You and Liara don't like each other. It shouldn't be a problem."

"It's going to be a problem," Ashley grumbled. As she stood, she looked out the window, then back at the armor locker she had her hardsuit stuffed in. Her head hang and she sighed. "Give me five minutes. I'll be right there."

Shepard took a few steps closer and rested a hand on her shoulder. "It'll be all right, Ash. Liara isn't going to be shooting at us like Garrus was."

She just nodded, still staring at the floor. Shepard left a few moments later, and she sucked in a huge breath. She could do this. She was better than the thing that willingly gave into Cerberus's protocols.

* * *

Ashley barely closed the door to the skycar when the ground shook. An explosion rocked the station's struts, deafened her, knocked her and Garrus both off their feet. While she recovered, Ashley braced her arms under her chest and pushed herself up, trying to see through the smoke billowing out of the trading center. It wasn't easy, not with the way everything was spinning and vibrating, but it looked like a large portion of the building had been blown to pieces.

Garrus locked his three fingers around her upper arm and pulled her to her feet. Ash shook her head to clear it, coughed to get the dirt and dust out of her lungs, and gave the turian a grateful nod. He wasn't paying much attention to her, more concerned that his and Shepard's friend had been killed; he led her towards Shepard, who was helping that other Spectre, Tela Vasir, to stand. They'd met her at Liara's apartment after Shepard gave her some data to find the Shadow Broker, data Ashley had no idea Cerberus even gave _him._ It must've been a while ago, or Miranda must've had it. Whatever the case, it got them involved in shit they didn't have time for, and Ashley wasn't happy about it at all.

"Liara's in there!" Shepard said, a worried frown crinkling his features.

"They just took out three floors to kill your friend," Vasir said. "I don't think... It's not likely she survived, Commander."

"You don't know Liara," he snapped. For once, Ashley was inclined to agree with him. If there was one thing she liked about the asari, it was her talent for surviving. If _anyone_ could make it out of that explosion alive, it was Liara.

"I'm sorry, Commander."

Shepard shook his head, looking back up at the blaze of flames. Smoke was pouring from the doors and people were staggering outside; without a backwards glance, Ashley ran forward to help. Garrus followed her lead. Whereas he went to help them get clear of another potential hazard waiting to happen, Ashley went straight for the people on the ground, crowded near the doors. Some of them were just in shock and couldn't do much of anything aside from collect themselves, and others were seriously injured. Shepard was arguing with Vasir about whether or not it would be worth going in, so she figured she had the time to do something good. Problem being, she didn't know where to start.

Ash took a look around, settled on helping an asari nursing a wicked-looking burn on her upper arm and neck.

 _"Even if you're right about aliens, we can still be better people than they are."_

Her jaw tightened. When Shepard said that, it pissed her off. It sounded like he was dismissing her concerns, and it still did. But she was better than that, or she believed she was. Not helping someone who could _die_ just because they weren't human... It was something Cerberus would do. And she refused to associate herself with the organization anymore.

Crouching beside the woman, Ashley swung her backpack onto the ground and pulled out her small container of medigel. She couldn't apply it to the burns, but she could get it on the cuts.

"Let me see." Ashley waited until the asari allowed her to check her arm out. Glass was stuck in the cuts, unsurprisingly, and covered in dust. She took out her bottle of water and slowly poured it over the scrapes, being sure to leave the burns alone.

"Ash!" It was Shepard, hanging around the doors to the building with Garrus. She needed to go.

"I'll find you!" she shouted, waving him off. There was some obvious hesitation to the way he left her there, but Garrus said something and they went inside. She watched the doors for a few more seconds, sighed, and returned to her current task. Rubbing medigel into the asari's wounds was easier said than done, but she couldn't really say anything. The first time Ashley had to use medigel on herself was the last time she ever wanted to look at the stuff. It reeked, it burned, and it made your skin crawl, but it did a damn good job keeping you from bleeding out when it really mattered.

Once she was finished, she snapped the lid back onto the small container and stood, offering the asari a hand up. To say the asari looked as reluctant about accepting her help as Ashley was about offering it would be an understatement. It took her a few seconds to make up her mind, but once she did, Ash had her on her feet the same instant.

She took her things and started for the doors, swinging her backpack over her shoulders. Ashley missed carrying her rifles, but the things she carried were far more useful than a sniper. Besides, they had Garrus, and Cerberus had given her extensive training in small arms combat and hand-to-hand. They didn't need another sniper.

Ashley took one look at the destroyed elevator and turned to the stairs. As she jogged upstairs, she couldn't help noticing the smell of discharged thermal clips. It was barely there, masked by the stench of smoke and burning bodies, but it was definitely there. Mistaking that burnt plastic smell was impossible. She'd unloaded and reloaded so many times in her life that if she _didn't_ recognize it, there'd be a problem.

The little thing in her ear buzzed as she turned on her comm. "Shepard?"

His response came a few seconds later. "You all right down there?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. There's—" Ashley pulled up short, freezing the instant she heard the sound of metal giving way. One of the tiles fell from the ceiling just ahead of her. At least an inch thick, probably sharp enough to break the material beneath her hardsuit.

"Ash? Ash!"

She stopped to run a hand down her face, letting out a little puff of breath as she reactivated the speaker. "Sorry. This building's falling apart."

"We know. The sprinkler system came down and flooded this office we're in. Have you found the courtyard yet?"

She walked through an automatic door, eyes immediately locking on the bullet holes in the wall not too far away. "Yeah, I think so. There's a civilian with bullet wounds down here."

"You're not too far behind," Shepard said. "Head up to the next level and take a left. There's going to be an unarmed bomb on a small railing and a door. Garrus and I will be waiting for you."

Ashley locked a hand around her handgun and pulled it from its magnetic holster, making sure she had a fresh thermal clip loaded. Satisfied, she started towards the stairs, sticking to one side of the courtyard as she went. Shepard claimed they were nearby, but it was still freakishly silent. Ashley figured it was better to be safe than sorry, and kept her back plastered to the wall. When she reached the stairs, she shifted sides and dropped into a crouch.

She highly doubted that whoever had shot the man had doubled back past Shepard, but it was a force of habit, and she'd rather be overly cautious than shot. If she could go a straight week without having to look at Chakwas, she'd be a lot happier than she typically was.

Following Shepard's directions, she took a left at the top of the stairs. Several feet ahead of her, there was the bomb he told her about, and then the door. She ignored the explosive and continued on, bracing herself against the wall while the door fought itself to open. She waited a few beats, heard the sound of someone sloshing around, and whipped the corner. As promised, Shepard was there with Garrus, muttering about how horrible this was.

"There you are," Shepard exclaimed.

She flashed him a smirk as she dropped into the knee-deep water. "Yeah, sorry about that. I should've just followed you inside."

"Nah, you were busy," he said. "I understand."

"Helping asari," Garrus commented, shouldering his assault rifle. "Not something I ever thought I'd see you doing, Ash."

"I know when I need to put my own beliefs behind me," she said.

"Let's focus on finding Liara," Shepard interrupted. "Then we'll see how far your newfound love for asari goes."

She nodded and fell in beside Garrus, in her usual place to Shepard's right. He led them from the office into a storefront, then across a hallway and into a new office. When they exited the room, water began pouring down on them. She ran a hand down her face to get it out of her eyes, but it didn't do much.

"I prefer the flooded rooms to the high powered sprinklers," Shepard grumbled.

"Agreed," Garrus said. "I'm not big on water."

"That a weakness?" Ashley asked. "I thought you turians were perfect."

"Not much need for swimming on Palaven."

"Oh," she said, stifling a laugh. "Can't swim?"

"Like you can't shoot?" he quipped.

"Shut it, Vakarian," Ash retorted.

"Remind me why I bring either of you two anywhere."

"Because we're your favorite," Garrus answered. "Or I am. I don't know why you bring _her_."

"Probably so you don't take shots at him all the time," Ash said. "I have better comebacks."

"That doesn't count."

"Quiet," Shepard snapped, holding up a hand.

They were in another hallway now, working their way towards an intersection. Shepard stopped to check his omni-tool, pulling up a map of the building before continuing. He headed for the closest turn, the only one that wasn't blocked by smoking debris, and made to turn when a small, oblong shape hit the floor only a few feet from them. It exploded in a burst of bright light and shrapnel, emitting a high-pitched squeal. The three of them hit the wall or the floor, shields disrupted and blinded. Ashley's ears were ringing and the world was spinning again, making it difficult to stand.

She shook her head to help clear it and looked up from the floor, eyes locking on her gun. Before she got to her feet, she grabbed it and made sure Garrus and Shepard were all right, then moved down to the other side of the entryway. The source of the grenade, a flashbang, opened fire the instant she stepped into view, but by then, she was already dropping to a crouch against the wall.

"Vasir, we've got armed hostiles on the second floor!"

"Say hello to the Broker's private army, Commander."

Ashley turned just enough to get off a few shots, hitting one of the mercenaries right between the eyes. As she returned to her place, she said, "God, I hate that woman."

"Yeah," Shepard replied. He had his assault rifle out now, on his feet, as he spun to return fire. Bullets bounced off the far wall, leaving tiny smoking holes in their wake. "I'm starting to agree with you."

"Thought you were starting to like the asari," Garrus quipped.

"I'll make an exception for Vasir," Ashley said. She looked to her right, trying to see if there was anywhere to move to, and spotted another doorway, opened and clear of enemies. It led to another hallway and a larger office, probably meant to be open to the public, and had thick clouds of smoke rolling to the opposite end of the building. She could faintly smell fresh air, and that was always a good thing, meaning the smoke was filtering itself outside.

"Shepard?"

"Little busy here!"

"Remember how you said it was going to be a long day?" He fell into a crouch, fixing her with an inquisitive look while Garrus leaned over him to shoot. "I hate it when you're right." Then she stood, took a deep breath, and ran, sliding the last few feet into the doorway. Her shields flashed and she felt like she'd taken a shot to the lung, but aside from that, she was fine. If that flare of pain was any indicator, Ashley would have a bruise on her ribs by the time they got back to the ship.

"You good?" Shepard had taken her place at the other side of the hall and was currently reloading his rifle.

Ashley nodded and reloaded her handgun, clipped it to her hip, and checked that the hallway she was in was clear. Bullets bounced off the wall to her left, barely missing her arm, but she ignored them. She was trained for this. As much as she hated it, hated Cerberus, she could get this done _without_ Shepard or Garrus helping her. Quickly, quietly, she lowered herself back into a crouch and turned the bend, keeping herself pressed to the wall.

Above her, there was a window. Glass covered the floor, forcing her to take more careful steps than she should've had to. She kept going, listening intently for the sound of a gun firing, hands pressed to the wall. It helped her listen and stay low, and as soon as she heard what she was waiting for, she hopped the railing. Ashley landed beside one of the Shadow Broker's men as he reloaded his assault rifle. Before he could even blink, she knocked his gun from his grasp, bashed his head off the desk, and drew her pistol again. Shepard and Garrus were now on her right, and the Broker's mercenaries on her left.

 _This was a lot easier when I didn't have to worry about getting shot at,_ she thought. _From two angles, anyway._

Ashley cocked her gun, took a deep breath, and stood, taking down one of the mercenaries the same instant. She got off another shot, but by then, the rest of them realized she wasn't an ally, and turned their guns on her. The one in the same row of desks as her switched her battle rifle for what looked like a missile launcher, but Ashley kicked the desks back into her abdomen. It wouldn't kill her, but it would stop her long enough for Ash to finish off the rest of them.

As she lunged across the room, part of her realized how similar this was to the "training" Cerberus put her through. The situation was almost identical, right down to the placement of the enemies. She remembered how Cerberus willingly wasted their men just to see how effective she was, and she remembered every single way she killed each of them. Snapped neck, shot to the head, elbow to the throat followed by another headshot. It wasn't until the Broker's men were dead that she noticed she followed the same pattern then as she did now. It made her sick.

The woman with the missile launcher was fidgeting now, struggling to bring up her weapon.

Ashley didn't look when she shot her.


	23. Chapter 23

"Why do we keep letting you drive?!"

"You ever been to an amusement park on Earth?" Shepard asked, swerving the skycar around oncoming traffic. "It's like riding one of the roller coasters!"

"People _willingly_ do this to themselves?" That was Liara.

"This is _not_ like a roller coaster, Shepard!" Ashley retorted. "If Garrus vomits on me, I'm going to kill you!"

He looked back and the three of them rushed to return his attention to the road. "You all right back there, Garrus?"

"Fine," Garrus said, voice strained. "Can't vomit on the princess even if I wanted to. It's not my style." The two of them started arguing, taking cheap shots at each other, and Shepard busied himself with driving.

Vasir, the Spectre they met back at Liara's apartment, turned out to be working for the Shadow Broker, and stole the data they needed from Sekat's corpse. Without it, they wouldn't be able to find the Broker, and wasting time for this side mission would've been entirely pointless. Shepard refused to make this a waste. If they failed, Miranda would harp at him, Ashley would harp at him, everyone would be fed up, and he'd snap at every single member of his crew.

"Oh my God!"

"Truck!" Liara exclaimed.

"I see it," Shepard said calmly, veering them to the far side of the tunnel. The car bounced onto the ramp, skidded off the wall, and flung itself back into traffic. Shepard lurched them to the side again to get around the truck, but not without more yelling about his shitty driving. If there was one thing Ash and Liara seemed to agree on, it was how horrible of a driver he was.

"Oh come on," Shepard said. "It's like the good ol' days."

"We're missing a few people," Garrus said. "Like Wrex and Tali."

"If you stuck me in one of these things with Wrex, I'd get suffocated," Ash said.

"Wrex couldn't even get in a skycar," said Liara.

"I could get him in," Shepard replied. "You guys are seriously underestimating what I'm capable of."

Ashley leant forward, poking her head between his and Liara's seats. "Skipper?" He barely glanced at her, but let out a noncommittal grunt to let her know he heard. "Stop talking."

"Go go go go go go!"

Shepard floored it and Ashley fell back into her seat. "I'm going!" The skycar collided with the wall of the tunnel, whirled, and rocketed back onto the road. They burst from the tunnel a few seconds later and everyone in the car let out a breath of relief. "There we go."

"You're enjoying this," Liara pointed out. There was a hint of offense in her voice, but Shepard decided it would be best if he kept his focus on the traffic.

"You're a damn masochist," Ashley said.

"Oh, shut up," Shepard retorted.

"Oncoming traffic!"

"I know!"

"Now would be a bad time to tell you guys I'm afraid of heights, wouldn't it?"

"Cerberus didn't...undo that?"

"Vakarian—"

" _Truck!_ "

"Again?" Shepard hit the gas and the skycar lurched forward at an ungodly speed, even as he turned them right. Vasir's car wasn't far from theirs now, maybe only a few hundred feet, and Shepard raced to catch up.

"There she is!"

"I don't need your help driving, Liara!" Shepard said.

As Shepard pulled their skycar alongside hers, Vasir jerked the wheel to the side. Shepard's head bounced off the driver's side window with a crack, but he shook it off and returned the gesture, smashing their car back into hers. Vasir's car swerved, collided with another head-on, and crashed into a building.

"You're just destroying everything today, aren't you?"

"Quiet, Williams," he ordered. "Not one more word until we've got the data, understood?"

He could practically hear her rolling her eyes, but he ignored it. Shepard brought their car down as close to Vasir's as he could manage, parking it on the side of what he realized was a hotel. Once the taxi powered down, they climbed from inside it, in varying degrees of disarray. As much as Ashley bitched at him, she typically took his driving fairly well compared to the others; she was out of the car and at his side before the rest of them.

"Go see if Vasir made it," Shepard said, nodding at the plume of black smoke rising from the nearby verandah. "Don't do anything stupid, either." With anyone else, he might not have added that, but this was Ashley he was talking to, and she was the queen of stupid. He understood why Kaidan "mothered" her sometimes, even if he thought it was unnecessary.

"I can take care of myself," she huffed.

"Doesn't mean you won't do something stupid," Shepard replied. "Go. Just..." He sighed and ran a hand down his face. "Just be careful, all right?"

"I thought that was implied." Before he could say anything, Ash drew her gun and made for the opposite end of the platform. Shepard watched as she hopped on a skycar and used it for leverage, flinging herself over the railing. She was gone within the next few seconds.

Garrus was at his side a moment later. The turian looked from Shepard to where Ash disappeared, then back to Shepard, and sighed. "I told you we should've gone back for her."

The Commander bristled just a bit, but didn't act on it. Garrus was right. "Yeah," he muttered. "So did Alenko." Liara joined them, dusting off her white and blue jacket, and Shepard turned on her. "How _did_ you know about her?"

"Who? Ashley?" The asari shrugged. "This is a conversation best saved for another time, don't you think? We need to find Vasir."

He opened his mouth to tell her no, that it really wasn't something he'd rather talk about later, but Garrus pointed. "We've got mercs inbound!"

Shepard's head snapped up just as a gun went off somewhere in the hotel, followed by a rapid barrage of gunfire. His thoughts went back to Ashley, who he sent to find the damn Spectre, but he was quickly sidetracked by a transport landing up the stairs. Four of the Broker's men piled off, two salarians and two humans. Both salarians deployed drones immediately while the two humans ran for cover.

It became a firefight without much more effort. Transport after transport dropped more and more mercenaries, all of whom seemed to be annoyingly smart, and instead of playing defense, Shepard was forced to go on the offensive just to keep Garrus and Liara from taking too much fire. He leapt around the battlefield like a force of nature, throwing mercs off the building and into cars and into the line of fire. It was ridiculous how the Shadow Broker just wasted men on preventing Liara from tracking him down, throwing their lives away like they were nothing more than sacks of meat.

If there was one thing Shepard learned over the years, it was how mind bogglingly sick some of the people in the galaxy were. Everywhere he went, sycophants, sociopaths, corrupt crime lords, greedy bastards. It never ended. How were they supposed to defeat the Reapers if there was no one in the galaxy who gave a damn about his brothers?

Just as he discharged his barrier on launching a salarian, one of the troop transports crashed into a skycar. The skycar was pulverized, falling to the city streets below, while the truck careened into the hotel's windows. Fortunately for them, the mercs riding in back seemed to have been killed on impact, and it gave them a way towards Vasir's car. Once they were sure the rest of the mercs were gone, Liara raced towards the flaming truck and hauled herself inside.

"Come on! We can climb over to get to Vasir's car."

"No, really?" Shepard asked, sarcasm dripping from his voice. "Thanks, Liara. I never would've guessed." Garrus gave him a look of disapproval, but he didn't care. Shepard's patience was running thin. This was supposed to be easy; meet Liara at her apartment, get the data on the Shadow Broker from her contact, and head off to kill him before departing for the Citadel. Now it turned into a full-day ordeal with car chases and crazy Spectres trying to kill his friends. In short, it pissed him off. He'd be glad to see Vasir dead on the floor.

He hauled himself inside, bouncing easily to his feet as Garrus followed him up. Liara was already inspecting the crash, going over the smoldering skycar with her omni-tool. Shepard peeked into the adjacent room out of curiosity; he half expected to find Ash or Vasir in there, but he only saw a few civilians crouched in the corner. The glass was shot out, as was the screen for whatever vid they'd been watching. He sighed and shook his head, heading out onto the porch with Garrus on his heels.

"Find anything?" he asked.

"Vasir survived the crash," Liara said absentmindedly.

He did a once over of the immediate area. "Yeah, I can see that for myself. What are you looking for?"

"Anything she might've left behind."

Shepard ran a hand through his closely cropped hair. "Liara..."

The asari sighed. "Vasir was wounded. There's a blood trail we can follow." She stood, pointing to the stains on the hardwood floor. "She's lost a lot of blood, though."

"Or it's Ashley's," Shepard said. There was a hint of concern in his voice and Liara rolled her blue eyes.

"Or it's Ashley's," she agreed.

"Come on. Let's go find them." Probably not what Liara wanted to hear, considering she didn't much care for Ash in the first place, and the fact that she just wanted her damn data. The way she was so focused on getting it pissed Shepard off even more. Back in the trade tower, he'd tackled Vasir out of a window, only to be kicked to the ground while suspended in midair, and Liara ran after her without a second thought. When she finally said something over their comm, it was only more snarling to keep up.

The instant they started moving, someone across the building screamed. It was quickly followed by gunshots and the sound of shattering glass. Shepard broke into a run, sprinting down the corridor and swinging himself around to the next with his momentum. As he went, he noted just exactly how much blood was covering the floor, and he shuddered. It was too much to belong to one person.

"Vasir's one tough bastard," Garrus commented.

"She's a Spectre," Liara retorted.

Shepard ignored them in favor of reaching for his assault rifle. He took up a position beside the door, waiting for Garrus to go ahead and grab the other flank. Liara wordlessly understood what was going on, and allowed them to get in place before she hit the release and stepped away. Shepard spun into the room, sweeping over it with his rifle. Empty, save the body on the floor. He went to check on the woman while Garrus and Liara fanned out, making sure they were safe here.

He scanned the body with his omni-tool. Dead. The woman was still warm to the touch, and Shepard didn't have to check to know that was true.

"I've got more blood out here!" Garrus called.

Shepard closed his omni-tool and raced out into the hallway where Garrus was. The turian was crouching over a pool of red liquid, looking around from his current position. Liara was there a few seconds after Shepard, gun in hand. While he stopped to inspect the small area, the asari made a point of checking their corners. Garrus stood by and covered the Commander, giving him the chance to get as much inferred from their surroundings as he could. The wall was dented several feet up, right above the pool of blood, meaning it probably belonged to Ashley. Throwing someone that high with that much force was beyond even her, and would only be capable if someone had biotics. Shepard felt his throat constrict and fear settle in his gut. The only good sign was he couldn't see Ash anywhere nearby; that accelerated healing of hers was probably the only reason she was still moving.

Someone screamed, this time much closer. It came from the next set of rooms, just over another bend in the building's design. There was a brief, rapid fire of two separate guns, that abruptly stopped almost as soon as it began. Someone went down in that. It was obvious.

"Come on!" Shepard ordered, heading for the door. Garrus and Liara ran after him, following his lead as he burst inside. His rifle was in his hands the same instant, levelled at the Spectre staggering towards a group of people. "Vasir!"

She grabbed the nearest civilian as soon as she could, whipping around to place the hostage between her and his gun. Her pistol was pressed into the girl's temple. Even at this distance, Shepard could see the woman's eyes watering in fear.

"I'll give you credit, Commander," Vasir said. "You certainly pick good friends. It's a pity I had to kill her."

 _No._

"Don't make me kill... What's your name?" The hostage mumbled something he didn't catch, but he assumed it was a name. "Don't make me kill Mariana too."

"Please," she begged. "I have a son."

"Aw." Liara and Garrus rushed to his side, aiming their guns at Vasir as well, but she didn't seem concerned with it. "I hear losing a parent is traumatic for children, scars them for life. You don't make me want to kill some little boy's mother, do you, Shepard?"

"I'm going to end you, Vasir," Liara growled.

"Thermal clips on the ground. Guns too."

Shepard glanced at his friends, looked around the deck for any sign of Ashley, and felt dread smack him square in the chest. He couldn't see her, just more blood, and it scared him. He'd only just got her back. She couldn't be dead. That was so stupidly unfair that it made him want to scream.

"I said drop them!" Vasir shouted.

There was no way in hell he was going to let Vasir get away with that data. Not now. "What makes you think you can kill me?"

"What?"

"Vasir, I make a living off killing people like you," Shepard said. "I've killed Spectres before. _Better_ Spectres." The asari shifted her grip on Mariana, fingers flexing around her pistol. There was something noticeably uncertain about her stance now as she began doubting whether or not this was really a good idea. "Now, Liara!"

At his command, she pulled a table into Vasir's back, knocking the hostage free and sending her gun spiralling across the floor. Mariana ran past for the safety of the hotel, and before Shepard could so much as blink, Vasir was going for her weapon. She had the pistol aimed at his chest, the trigger pulled, all in a half a second. The bullet bounced harmlessly off his shields, but it got the point across. She was pissed.

Shepard pulled the trigger on his assault rifle. He was just as pissed off, if not more. Ashley was hurt, he couldn't help, and this bastard was responsible. Unfortunately for him, Vasir also had shields, and he didn't do much, if any, damage to the asari. She just sort of looked at him before a purplish biotic glow erupted across her skin. The next thing Shepard knew, he was on the floor, Vasir was shooting at Liara and Garrus, and someone was half on him, half off. He recognized Ashley immediately, and his hand came up to check on her, but it was pinned beneath them. When he pulled it free, the blue plates covering his knuckles were stained red.

"Ash?"

She coughed weakly. "Hey."

His head fell back against the floor as a relieved laugh escaped him. "Oh, thank God."

Ashley started to roll off him, groaning as she flopped over on her back. "Told you...not to worry about me."

"Shit, Ash! Look at yourself!" There were several gunshot wounds in her chest and stomach, a cut across her cheek. They were still bleeding.

"This is nothing," she mumbled. "Go...go deal with Vasir. I'll be fine."

Shepard hesitated, looking between her and the others, and sighed as he got to his feet. He sought out his assault rifle, locking a hand around the barrel. He wanted to do something for her, but if she thought she'd be fine, he'd force himself to believe it. Besides, if Vasir managed to kick Ashley's ass, there was a good chance she could kill Liara or Garrus. And despite all the shit he gave Liara, she was his friend.

" _Fuck,_ " he whispered, shaking his head. With one last glance down at her, Shepard turned and rejoined Garrus at the balustrade.

The turian barely looked over his shoulder, but Shepard could see that cocky grin of his. It took him a while to finally understand Garrus' facial expressions; it was hard with the mandibles. "I was wondering when you'd get back."

"Sorry," Shepard replied. "Where'd Vasir go?"

"Don't know. She called in more mercs a few seconds ago." His eyes shifted past Shepard's head and he nodded, gesturing with his gun. "There they are."

Shepard followed his eyes, groaning internally at the sight. "They brought drones."

"Nothing's ever easy," Garrus said, a little too cheerfully.

"Not with us, anyway."


	24. Chapter 24

Shepard didn't think he'd ever felt so sick in his entire life. Not ill, but just so disgusted with a call he made. Virmire hadn't disgusted him, but sending Ashley after Vasir alone had. He should've known better. That training Cerberus gave her was one thing; a Spectre was a whole different level. Vasir was a Spectre for good reason, and while she didn't have Reaper enhancements like Saren did, she was a skilled biotic. That should've warranted caution on his end from the beginning.

His omni-tool chimed. It was a message from Chakwas. He didn't stop to read it, not when he knew it would just be her telling him to get his ass down to the med bay. Instead, he sighed and marched from his cabin to the elevator. He hit the button to take him to the crew deck, stopping to lean on the wall in exhaustion. Chasing Vasir down had been a whole-day ordeal, and departing from Nos Astra to head after the Shadow Broker would have to wait for morning. The system he was in wasn't far away; Shepard wanted some sleep before chasing _him_ down too. He imagined Garrus would as well, and Liara, even if she wouldn't admit it.

Liara. As much as Shepard wanted to blame her for this, he couldn't. There was no way Liara could've known what was going to happen.

The elevator stopped at the CIC to allow the subject of his thoughts to join him. "Commander."

"Liara."

She stood across from him, arms folded over her chest as she put her weight on the handbar. "I gave the coordinates to Joker. He thinks we should be able to reach Hagalaz in a few hours."

He nodded. "Good. That's good. I want to be done with this as soon as possible."

"You're not the only one," Liara said, trying for a smile. Shepard didn't return it. He just stared angrily at the floor, impatience rising with each passing second they had to wait for the elevator. "I'm sorry. About Ashley."

His eyes flicked up and he shook his head. "Don't be. It's not your fault."

"I didn't mean today, Shepard. I meant..." She trailed off. "Cerberus. The Reapers."

Shepard sighed as he shifted. The elevator slowed to a stop, opening its doors for them a second later. He got off and Liara fell in beside him. "We knew Cerberus was going to be a problem when we found them running tests on the rachni."

"Yes, but this... This is something else."

She followed him past the mess hall and into the med bay. "You think there's a reason we're running from the Illusive Man?"

Before Liara could answer, Chakwas called him over to her desk. One of the medics was blocking his view of Ash, so he resigned himself to joining the doctor. Liara went off to join the medic, and he sincerely hoped whatever sedative Chakwas used was more effective than the last one.

"Commander, excellent timing," Chakwas said.

"Came as fast as that damn elevator would allow," he replied. "What did you need? How's Ash?"

"She'll be fine."

"Any idea on what happened?"

"Your Spectre used disruptor rounds, tore right through her shields. They seem to have delayed her body's ability to heal itself. Here." Chakwas handed him a small tray. Four tiny pellets rolled around on it, tinged blue. Since the universal upgrade to thermal clips, guns across the galaxy started to discharge small pieces of metal with each shot, instead of highly pressurized units of heat. It was a side effect of the clips, which disintegrated as they got hotter. Keep firing after so many shots, and the clip would melt and jam the gun. You could typically feel when it was getting to that point.

Shepard set the tray back on her desk and swallowed. While he knew old rifles back on Earth used metal projectiles, bullets, he never liked the idea of it. It seemed wrong. The name had stuck up to this point, solely because it was easier than saying "highly pressurized units of heat."

"You have her under?" he asked.

"Between the blood loss and the sedatives I gave her, I highly doubt Williams will be waking up anytime soon. Give her a couple hours. I'll keep checking, but we don't know if her body can keep up with the loss of blood, or if she'll need a transfusion."

Shepard glanced to Liara, but she was busy conversing with the medic. He couldn't hear what they were saying, so he looked back to Chakwas. "How much blood did she lose?"

"Enough to kill most people, regardless of species. I'm amazed she was conscious when you brought her back to the ship."

Shepard snorted as his eyes found their way back to Liara, concern crinkled on her features. "I'm more amazed Liara is down here."

Chakwas followed his gaze and rolled her eyes. "As you say, Commander."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Whatever you like, sir." The doctor typed a few things on her keyboard and stood, making her way over to the same cot Ashley always seemed to occupy. Shepard followed, slapping on his disinterested Commander face, and clasped his arms behind his back. He stood beside Liara, ignoring the slightly confused look she was giving him.

"You're giving her oxygen?" Shepard asked.

"When the sedatives kicked in, she stopped reacting to outside stimuli before falling unconscious," Chakwas said quickly, dismissing the medic. He grabbed his things and returned to the crew's quarters, leaving the three of them in the med bay. "Have you heard of schizophrenia? If someone doesn't have the credits for the treatment, they will occasionally fall into a catatonic state. They don't respond, ask questions, eat, sleep, and on the rare occasion, will stop breathing. Williams appeared to be going through something similar."

"Do you even know if she needs oxygen?" Liara asked.

"Have you seen a husk run around underwater?" Shepard retorted. "Chakwas' assumption was as good as any."

"Liara brings up a valid point," Chakwas said, fixing Shepard with a disapproving look. It was obvious what kind of day he had, considering he'd managed to be positive long enough that his scars went away, only to have them start flaring up since helping Miranda with her sister. Couple that with his standoffish attitude, and Chakwas would be giving him an earful once Ashley cleared out.

"Explain."

"We... _I_ still don't know what needs treated," Chakwas continued. "She rejects over half the treatments I'd have used on the SR-1. Sedatives, as we've already seen, don't work in usual doses, unless we're dealing with an extreme case. Mordin has been helping me come up with potential ways to bypass what Cerberus has done to her, but even then, tests with blood samples bear little fruit because of her exposure to Reaper technology."

"So...what? What does this have to do with needing oxygen or not?"

"We've spent much of our free time analyzing her blood, Commander. It bears obvious differences to any normal human's blood. Blood cells are no longer red, but purple, or even blue in some cases. In our case, Shepard, that would mean our blood isn't carrying any oxygen. Hers still has traces, but very little. And with a normal human, that would lead to conditions resembling Thane's Kepral's Syndrome. Ashley, however, seems to be no worse for the wear."

Shepard frowned. It didn't make much sense to him, and yet it did. "So you're saying that you basically have no idea what to do with her."

Chakwas sighed. "Basically."

He ran a hand through his hair, almost too long. He liked to keep it a solid half-inch in length. "I guarantee you Cerberus has all of this shit logged and solved somewhere."

"Most likely, but I doubt the Illusive Man will just hand the information over."

"Can you make do without it?" he asked.

Chakwas nodded. "Of course, Commander. So far, it's been a process of trial and error. I follow the same procedures I would if it were you, or any other human member of the crew, and substitute where necessary. Whatever works is logged for Mordin to break down later."

"Bet he enjoys it," Shepard said absentmindedly. "Probably enjoys it more than Ash would if she found out about it." He caught a glimpse of Liara smirking out of the corner of his eye.

Chakwas chuckled. "Agreed."

"Let me know when she wakes up, all right? I'll be up with the crew for a while yet."

The doctor nodded and returned to her desk. "If you need anything else, I'll be here."

"Thanks," he replied, giving Liara a stern look. The asari followed him from the med bay, all the way down to the still vacant observation deck. He took a seat on one of the couches and Liara sat at the other end, swinging one of her legs up onto the seat. "Get Kaidan and Tali on board, and it's like one happy reunion."

Liara gave him a small, thin smile. "I was surprised to hear Kaidan was on the _Normandy._ My sources told me it was still a Cerberus ship."

"She's not a Cerberus ship," Shepard said defensively. "I told you that."

"I know," Liara replied, eyes shifting from him to the view of the city. Skycars were always speeding past, no matter the time of day. It was strangely relaxing to know he wasn't always flying through space. Shepard had enough of space as a child, having grown up from one Alliance station to the next, and amazed even himself when he enlisted. His mom thought he would go back to Earth and bounce from one place to the next; after all, that had been his entire plan growing up. Well, his plan after growing out of that "I want to be a superhero" stage. He'd wanted as far from the Alliance as possible, and now that he technically was, he just wanted to go back.

"How are you, Shepard?"

His eyes snapped back to Liara as a frown crinkled his brow. "Fine. I'm fine. Why?"

Liara's head shook. "Curious." He shrugged and allowed his eyes to wander again, settling on a distant point over the towers miles away. He'd never get enough of looking at cities. He supposed it was ironic, him seeing enough of the galaxy by the time he was eighteen and Ash never seeming to get enough of it. His parents raised him in space; hers fought to keep their family on the ground. She probably had enough of cities and colonies to last a lifetime, just like he'd been on enough space stations to last his. Completely opposite.

"Restless," Shepard said after a while.

"Hmm?"

"You asked how I was. I should've said restless."

"What's wrong?"

He shrugged again, running his hands across the white cargo pants that came with an off-duty Cerberus uniform. "Nothing's _wrong,_ necessarily. I just hate sitting around and waiting. Without Cerberus' intel on the Collectors, the only chance we have of getting through the Omega 4 relay is Ashley, and the Illusive Man knows that. I _know_ he's going to do something to try and stop us, but I hate waiting for it to happen."

"Why did you defect if you needed his intel so badly?"

"Because it was the right thing to do. Cerberus is looking for ways to control the Reapers. They were using Ashley as a test bed. Her body had been exposed to Reaper tech on Virmire, but it wasn't anything like...like that. They did most of that shit to her on their own."

Liara's brows shot up. "Cerberus is doing...what?"

"Using Reaper tech on their soldiers," Shepard said. He sounded defeated. "Whatever little bit they can scrounge up. They're trying to make super soldiers, but the Reapers still have control over most of them. Cerberus is trying to find ways to overrule Reaper indoctrination with their own. Ash is...was...I don't know. She's the only subject that retained any sanity so far. From what we found, it looks like Ash is still the only one Cerberus hasn't killed yet. Only one that isn't too big a hazard."

"If you're right, you'd be smart to send her back to Alliance space. Your fleets could do more to protect her than you can on this one ship. The Illusive Man won't let someone that valuable to his experiments get away so easily."

"That's my point!" Shepard exclaimed. "Cerberus is coming for us, but I don't know how, I don't know when, and I don't know what they're going to do. How the hell am I supposed to protect my crew from that?"

"You can't," Liara said. "Not unless you shift the Illusive Man's sights elsewhere."

"And the only way to do that is to get Ash off my ship."

"But we both know as soon as you do that, Cerberus will stop at nothing to get her back."

"Both options suck ass," Shepard grumbled, sighing. "Keep her on the ship and race Cerberus to the Collectors, or get her off the ship and lose our chance at getting through the relay."

Liara gave him a knowing look. A smile crept across her lips and Shepard frowned. He didn't like the way she was looking at him. "You can stop trying to pretend that you're worried about Cerberus beating you to the Collectors."

"I'm not—"

"Anyone with eyes can tell you're more worried about keeping Ashley safe."

He scoffed. "The mission comes first."

"Shepard, I asked you why you defected, and you brought her up like she was the only reason you left."

"Maybe that was part of the reason, but—"

"That was the whole reason. You're hiding behind common sense and the things you're putting second."

He scowled. "The mission comes first," he repeated. "I left Ashley on Virmire because Kaidan would be more useful with his biotics, because we didn't need another soldier. I put defeating Saren first and my feelings second, just like I am now."

"Then why have you left her on your ship when she's a safety hazard to the crew? Following your logic, you'd have gotten rid of her as soon as possible, because what use is a ship with no crew? Don't tell me your new XO doesn't have a way to get the information you need from Cerberus. Ashley isn't what you thought we needed then, and she's not now. You're not putting the mission first, Shepard."

"I am," he growled. "We need Reaper tech to get through the relay. No one on this ship even has a shot of understanding it except her."

Liara put up her hands in a placating gesture. "Fine, fine. But don't act like you're not letting your personal feelings get involved."

"It's not your business, Liara."

"Fine," she repeated. After a few seconds, she got up, looked around, and said, "I'm going to head back to the bridge. You keep sitting here, try to figure out what your best option is on your own. Let me know what you decide."

"I'm not changing my mind," Shepard snapped.

"Give it some thought."

"Why does this even matter to you? It's not like you're serving on the _Normandy._ "

"Because I have friends on this ship, too," Liara said. "And I don't want them to get hurt."

"So your brilliant idea is to send her elsewhere and let _more_ people get hurt?"

Another smile, this time sad. "Leaders don't make the easy decisions, Shepard."

He knew that. God, did Shepard understand that. The only easy decision he ever made was the one that got him here in the first place, and it wasn't deciding to enlist. Why was it the only easy decisions would ever put him in harm's way?


	25. Chapter 25

There was a reason Shepard wasn't big on sleep. Every single damn dream, nightmare, he saw their faces. Civilians lying dead in Elysium's streets, marines being cut down by batarians. Batarians screaming as _they_ died.

It was hard for him to hate the batarians, but that might be out of the sole fact one had gone so far as to beg for his life. Shepard tried. He really did. They were an angry, vicious, aggressive species, and while plenty of them tried their damnedest to live up to the trashy name so many had earned them, he couldn't hate them. There was something about Elysium that just made him sad. No anger, no bitterness, just sadness. Too many people died. Too many children, too many parents, too many batarians, too many marines.

People called him a hero, but Shepard never once felt like it. Not the traditional hero that dealt with shit like it was a basket of roses. He admitted he had his moments where he definitely _acted_ like that, idealistic and an all-around naive idiot, but those were days he had to fight for. He earned the good days, worked with himself and temporarily convinced himself that it was worth it, forced himself to believe he was the same man who was eager and willing to go after Saren.

He wasn't. He'd changed, grown up. Eden Prime was a shitstorm. Feros was a shitstorm. Noveria was too much politics buried under a pleasant guise. Virmire was a shitstorm. Ilos. The Citadel. Watching his own ship get blown to shreds of scrap even as he suffocated. Hunting down Saren, losing friends, being the one people were depending on, it narrowed Shepard's view of the galaxy. "Burdens of leadership," indeed.

Shepard tried to fall back asleep after the first dream. It wasn't easy, but he managed. Sleep was his least favorite thing, right up there with shaving. All too often he dreamt of Elysium, of Eden Prime, Feros, anything that got innocent people killed. Horizon hadn't added itself to the list yet, but maybe that was of his own doing. He still held out hope that the colonists were alive. There was that stupid idealism again; it never truly went away. He knew they were dead, but he still hoped. Hope was the one thing life could never beat out of someone, and Shepard clung to it like he clung to his friends.

Not for the first time, Shepard felt bad for the people that put up with him. He had been surprisingly innocent during their hunt for Saren and had watched his innocence shatter when he condemned Ashley to death. Now he was a mess of "smile and wave" or "I do what I want," and the fact that he could still call his friends, friends, amazed him. Kaidan was off doubting him for the colors the _Normandy_ flew, but there was that quiet respect the man always carried, buried down there in the way he tried to hold their brief conversations. But regardless of that, the people on his ship, his longtime friends and his new ones, they put up with him. Garrus didn't even blink when he showed up on Omega, Liara had been the one to save his body from the Shadow Broker, Tali trusted him and his Cerberus companions to save her team. He wasn't an easy person to get along with, not when his views on the way the galaxy worked changed like the position of the planets around a star, but they still put up with him.

Then there was Ashley, who he'd given up for dead in favor of Kaidan. He didn't know, let alone understand, why the hell she, of all people, still put up with him. If someone he was close to ordered _him_ to die, Shepard would be pissed. But he supposed that was another thing they couldn't agree on. Ash wanted to be in space, he wanted to be on the ground. She knew when to hold a grudge and when to drop one, he held grudges like he held onto his guns. It reminded him of a saying his dad had, back before he died. _"Communism looks good on paper, son, but it doesn't work."_ Kind of like that, but backwards. Their relationship looked like shit on paper, but it worked. Probably because Shepard did his best to avoid bringing his personal beliefs into each discussion.

The worst part of it, Shepard was starting to see what she was talking about. With the aliens. They were more concerned with each other and themselves, and didn't give a rat's ass about humans. He might not apply it to every single alien he met, but he could definitely see where she was right.

Another place he'd grown. He used to argue with her about that constantly. Now he didn't understand how he never saw the truth in it. Shepard used to excuse everything because it was how he was raised; make nice with the other species while you can, but what was the point when they didn't _want_ to be friends? It was like the batarians he wanted to hate. How are you supposed to be nice to them when all they want is to kill you?

Everything in Shepard's files said he should hate batarians. He'd watched them slaughter children, parents, entire families while he tried to hold them off. Each batarian that got past him guaranteed a dead civilian. He saved a lot of lives, but he'd also been the reason so many people died that he couldn't take it.

When he decided he wasn't going to be able to sleep, he rolled out of bed. Shepard took his laptop from the desk by his display case and marched out to the elevator. If he wasn't going to sleep, he wasn't going to stay cooped up in his cabin. That just made him claustrophobic. It was a big cabin, especially for what was supposed to be a military ship, but being stuck in any room for any extended period of time made him feel confined.

Shepard wasn't exactly sure where he was going, but anywhere was better than there. Most of the ship was occupied at this time of the night, leaving him with few options. Retrying sleep was one. Granted, it was the most unappealing of them all, but it was an option. He could sit in the vacant observation deck, use his laptop for whatever he felt like. He could also sit in the mess hall. It would allow him to keep an eye on Ashley, but what was going to happen halfway through the night? All that did was make it more obvious to the Illusive Man that he cared for her, and he was trying to keep that away from him.

Then again, Ashley had pointed out a camera in the armory right before he _obviously_ let his feelings for her slip. He was almost entirely positive there were cameras in his cabin, too. What did he care, anyway? It wasn't like the Illusive Man could do anything about it, about them, whatever. Not at the current time. And it wasn't like the Illusive Man was after Shepard. At best, the Illusive Man wanted him "removed" from the situation. He wasn't stupid, and he knew as well as anybody that Shepard could be a real pain in the ass if he wanted to be.

A sigh escaped him, but when the elevator opened up to the crew deck, he marched himself to the observation room. He tossed his laptop on the couch and went over to the control panel for the window. Once he had the noise dampeners off, Shepard returned to the couch and dropped on it, nudging the computer up towards him with his foot. He left it on his abdomen, unopened, and let out a shaky breath as he tried to pull himself together. It could get worse, a lot worse, but he chose to move, and that was always a good sign. Sometimes he moved because he was supposed to, because staying somewhere that made it hard to breathe wasn't healthy. Others he moved because he knew it would help. Most of the time he moved because it was a force of habit.

Shepard just needed a few minutes to himself. Thoughts needed to be collected and decisions had to be made. He needed to find his resolve. It had been lost when Cerberus gave them the middle finger, dropped when he realized they were really in this alone. No Council. No Cerberus. No Alliance. Just him and his crew, and it made him want to back out. How were they supposed to take down the Collectors without someone backing them?

He didn't know the answer to that. The crew expected him to, but he didn't. Instead, he pretended he did. It was a lie he believed on most days. They looked at him and saw a man who knew what he was doing, but Shepard didn't have the foggiest idea of where to go or what to do next. If something happened, he went with it and responded accordingly, but there was no plan, no fallout or failsafe, there just was. It had worked for him so far, so he stuck with it. One of these days, that luck would run out, but until then, Shepard's only plan was to stick to rolling with it.

 _Plan to have no plan,_ he thought, snorting. Truth be told, Shepard felt like he was winging it, and this was something that shouldn't be winged. People's lives were at stake. But he'd done the same thing with Saren, winging it when there was no right or wrong answer, and in the end, they'd been the winners. If it could work once, it could work again. _Keyword is "could."_

A truck rumbled past the _Normandy_ and Shepard cracked an eye open, unaware he'd even let them close. He hadn't fallen asleep, maybe dozed, but he came here to get away from sleep. Grumbling to himself, he sat up and scooted back along the couch until his back hit the armrest. The laptop's screen came on the instant he told it to. First order of business was to check his email. Not much. One from his mom that he refused to open just yet, another from Anderson asking for a progress report. It was about as old as the one from his mother, back before they'd "officially" left Cerberus.

Shepard opened Anderson's email, skimmed it. Exactly what he thought it would be. This wasn't an Alliance report, didn't have to be official since Anderson was asking as a friend, but Shepard still typed off a report. It looked as authentic and official as he could make it, and briefly, he was proud of himself. Cerberus hadn't gotten rid of that, his ingrained military training. Cerberus hadn't actually changed much of anything with him, a fact he was immensely grateful for. He half expected to notice changes in his personality that he didn't recognize, or didn't have a reason to have changed. And yet, there was nothing. He was as "Shepard" as he was going to get. Still himself.

At the end of his report, he added that Kaidan would be requesting a transfer to serve on his guard detachment, and gave a better explanation for abandoning Cerberus. He didn't expect Anderson to believe him about half the shit they found in that old facility, but it was better to share it than to not. If Anderson was smart, which he was, he'd have Hackett get on that facility, and fast. The Illusive Man wanted it for the data stored there, and it was only a matter of time before he sent men to clear out anything valuable.

Once Shepard was satisfied that he'd managed to cover everything important, he hit send and went back to his inbox, staring at the unopened mail from his mother. It wasn't that he thought she'd be mad at him, or that he didn't want to talk to her, but that he didn't want to...something. He didn't understand why he still hadn't opened it. He just didn't have the energy to, not until now, and he decided it would be better if he just bit the bullet and replied. She was his mother, after all. If he had any explaining to do, it was definitely to her.

Unlike Anderson's email, he actually read it. Read it several times over, no skimming. She was worried about him. Irritated that she hadn't heard from him in two years, but worried. She thought he just went off the radar because he was a Spectre.

 _The Alliance didn't even have the decency to tell my family I died._

He swallowed, blinked, and forced himself to respond. He apologized, told her the truth about what happened, and went off on a tangent from there. He mentioned hearing about her denying a promotion in his honor, talked about his new ship and the crew, asked her how she was doing. Shepard didn't put as much detail into explaining the situation with Cerberus as he had with Anderson, but he still made a point to tell her to be safe. His mother was all he had left, and he'd rather not lose her because he pissed Cerberus off.

It was longer than his report to Anderson, but this was personal, and despite his recent streak of short-tempered snaps, he still gave too many fucks about the rest of the galaxy. If he didn't, he'd walk away from this. Walking away was the easy decision. Cerberus had another ship, more people on the Collectors already. They didn't need to hunt them down too, but he kept that the ship's focus. Whatever happened, Shepard refused to let the Illusive Man beat him to the Collectors. The Collectors needed to be taken care of, killed, destroyed, but knowing Cerberus, they'd preserve them in the name of "furthering humanity's standing in the galaxy."

Shepard could see where Ashley was right about the rest of the galaxy's inhabitants. It was human, _organic,_ nature to put your own species first. Cerberus agreed, but they took it too far. Cerberus would crush everyone and everything else if it meant humans would be the ones in power. He wasn't sure which war he dreaded more, but both were guaranteed.

The Reaper war, or the Cerberus war.


	26. Chapter 26

"You know that feeling?"

Ashley sighed. Trakes had been pestering her incessantly for the last hour or two, and while she was grateful for the distraction, part of her wanted to roll over and ignore him. "What feeling, Trakes?"

"The one when you know something bad is about to happen."

Her eyes rolled back to look out the window she punched. Repaired, but she could still see, ever so faintly, the flaws in the glass. "You mean dread? Yeah. I know the feeling." The lieutenant was giving her a goofy look; she could practically hear it. He started to say something, but she cut him off. "Why are you down here?"

He sat back in his chair. "Why not?"

"You're one of _those_ people, I take it?"

"Ma'am, last I checked, so were you," he said. Ashley's gaze flicked over to him, but he looked perfectly content and innocent. She arched a brow in response, and he cleared his throat, looking away. "With all due respect, ma'am."

"I have a saying about that."

"Now you gotta share," he said, looking back with a grin.

Ashley rolled her eyes and let them settle on Chakwas, typing away on her computer like she wasn't even in the room. "It only makes sense if an officer is saying it to you."

"Still gotta hear it," Trakes insisted.

"It's slang for 'kiss my ass,'" Ash said.

He laughed. "Like when they say it to convince you you're being stupid?"

"Something like that." Something _exactly_ like that. She didn't add that part. Trakes didn't need to know about that. "How long have they been down there?"

The lieutenant shrugged. "A while now. They should be getting back soon."

"Do you know what's down there?"

"You probably have a better idea than me, ma'am," Trakes said. "The Commander keeps me in the dark on most of the stuff going through the ship."

"You did volunteer yourself for this out of the blue," Ashley replied.

His brows furrowed and his typical smile faded. In less than a second, his expression hardened. "I can't stand with the Alliance when they know our people are disappearing. Not when they won't do anything about it."

"Loyal to the ideal, not the group."

"I'm sorry?"

She shook her head and sat up, running a hand through her hair. "The Alliance is supposed to defend humanity at all costs. When they stop doing that is the same moment soldiers start joining Cerberus." He frowned. Ash cut him off again. "Alliance black-op, you know. Cerberus. They cut ties when the Alliance started sitting on their asses."

" _Our_ asses, ma'am," Trakes corrected.

"Their asses, lieutenant. I'm not Alliance anymore. As far as Command is concerned, neither is Shepard, and neither are you. He died. I died. You left your posting. The only Alliance member on board that's here legally is the doctor."

Chakwas pointed some sort of stick-thing in Ashley's direction, but didn't turn around. "All based in technicality, Williams."

"Gotta love technicalities," Trakes said. He looked back to her, expression sobering out. It was blank now, not negative, but not upbeat and positive like usual. "Still...I'm sure there would be exceptions. Like you said, ma'am, you died. The Commander died. Once we kick the Collectors back on their insect asses, I can get a pardon."

"Maybe," she said. "Alenko put you up to this?"

"Up to what, m—"

"I swear to God, if you say 'ma'am' one more time..."

He broke out into one of those cheeky grins he casually threw around. "Sorry, ma'am."

Ashley ran a hand down her face and sighed. "Stop. Just...stop. Can you do that for me?"

"It's possible. You'd have to ask nicely."

She rolled her eyes as she fell back over. She itched to get out of the bed and _do_ something, but she wasn't sure what she'd even do if she was allowed to. "Don't you have anything better to do than annoy me?"

He shrugged. "Probably."

"Then go do it."

"Now where's the fun in that?" Trakes' grin broadened, but another roll of her eyes got him on his feet. "I'll be back to bother you later, Williams."

"You're assuming I'll still be here."

"If I have anything to say about it, you will be," Chakwas interrupted. "You're not moving an inch until those bullet wounds have healed." Ashley groaned as she rolled onto her side, letting out an irritated puff of breath. Trakes chuckled, but quietly made for the door. Once she heard it hiss shut, she sighed. As much as she hated to admit it, she was exhausted. Even though she hadn't been off this bed in nearly twenty-four hours, Ashley was still tired. Her face hurt, her arms hurt, her legs hurt, everything hurt. Soreness led to exhaustion. That seemed to be true despite the fact that pain was little more than a heads-up that she was wounded. If it didn't bother her, why did she have to lie here and waste time?

Ashley looked back at Chakwas, nose still buried in her tests, and decided it was smarter to go along with it. The last few days had been easy on her—no urge to punch someone, no desire to pointlessly argue. She'd rather keep it that way. The more control of herself she had, the better.

"You wanna check?"

Chakwas looked up, brows creased together. "I doubt—"

"Breathing doesn't hurt anymore," Ashley said quickly. "And my ribs feel fine."

The doctor gave her that bullshit look, but she got up anyway. Chakwas grabbed her scanner and Ash sat up, biting her tongue to keep quiet about her protesting muscles. She was stiff, too much inactivity. It was a downside to _always_ doing something. Any stop, and the body freaked out.

Chakwas bent forward and clicked on her small tool, running the light over the glob of medigel just beneath Ash's collarbone. "You shouldn't wear such revealing clothes," the doctor muttered.

"It's a tank top," she retorted. "It's not like I wear it around the ship. And besides, it's my collarbone. Someone gets off on that, that's just weird."

She snorted in amusement, reaching to peel the medigel off Ashley's skin. It felt strange, kind of like pulling dried glue off her fingers, and chills raced up her spine. The medigel smelled fresh all over again and she grimaced, looking away.

Chakwas prodded at the irritated skin before giving a satisfied nod. "Let's see how the rest of them are doing. Then I'll _think_ about letting you go."

"I swear you do this to piss me off," Ashley grumbled.

She gestured to Ashley's shirt, and she rolled it up over her abdomen. "It's not Tuesday, is it?"

"Doctor—"

The door to the med bay reopened. Ashley's head snapped up, half expecting Trakes to be the one intruding, but it was Shepard. Chakwas didn't even look back, focused on removing the medigel, but she seemed to know who it was. A quiet, almost amused, laugh left her throat and she shook her head.

"Feeling better?" Shepard asked. He stayed back where he was, inching his way inside by as little as possible. It took him several seconds before he was far enough in the room for the door to close behind him.

Ashley started to answer him, but Chakwas made a point of hitting her bruise with the scanner after pulling off another glob of medigel. She sucked in a breath, much to the doctor's amusement. "Yeah, I'd feel a lot better if your doctor stopped abusing me."

"It's called tough love, Williams."

She huffed and looked back at Shepard, rolling her eyes. He smiled faintly. "I'm fine, Commander."

"Good," he said, nodding. "Is she clear for ground duty, doctor?"

Chakwas didn't answer until she had the fourth ball of medigel of Ashley's ribs. Once she stood, Ash pulled her shirt down and reached for her boots. "Do you plan on getting shot at?"

"Uh..." Shepard looked to Ashley for help, but she just shook her head and laughed, busying herself with tying up the laces. "It's never _part_ of the plan..."

She sighed. "I'll take that as a 'no.' But yes, Commander, as long as you don't _plan_ on getting shot at, then I'll mark her down as cleared."

"Good," he repeated. He looked from Chakwas back to Ashley, who was now on her feet. "Suit up. Joker's bringing us towards the Citadel."

"Already?"

"The relay wasn't far from Hagalaz," Shepard explained. "We'll be hitting it in about fifteen minutes. We'll be at the Citadel before the night crew comes out." His expression darkened when Ashley frowned. "I said suit up, Williams. That was an order."

Her brows shot up, but she nodded anyway. "Yes, sir."

"Meet Thane and I at the airlock in forty-five minutes."

* * *

As it turned out, Thane was the first there, and Ashley the second. She wanted to hit her head off the wall, or head to the bridge and talk to Joker, but her feet carried her to the drell's side. He regarded her with that creepy gaze of his for a few seconds before turning back to inspecting his rifle. Ashley's eyes followed his hands as he checked it for a new clip, checked that it was clean and had the safety on, typical things that should be done before departing the ship.

"The Commander said we shouldn't run into trouble," Thane commented. His voice sounded scratchy and deep, a combination Ashley never thought she'd hear. It was...intimidating. She grunted and stood at attention, forcing her eyes anywhere but his hands. That didn't seem to dissuade the man from talking to her, however. "What happened to your helmet?"

"The merc you shot. She broke it."

"I see." Something clicked and she tampered the urge to look in his direction. "Can it be fixed?"

"No," Ashley said matter-of-factly.

Thane was quiet for several beats and she started hoping he was done. She tried not to be obvious about her impatience, or the slight lean to her left as she looked for Shepard, but to Thane's credit, he didn't miss much. She felt his eyes on her, and once again, she refused to look in his direction.

"Have I offended you?"

That caught her attention. Ashley's eyes flicked over to him for the briefest of moments, but were gone just as fast. "No," she repeated. A thought crossed her mind as she remembered _how_ he ended up on the ship. "But I don't trust you."

"Because of my employer?"

"Yes."

She _heard_ him blink. It made her want to throw up. _Lizard._ "Fair enough, I suppose," Thane said.

"You 'suppose' that's fair enough?" Ashley snapped. "You _suppose_?"

"I can only make my assumptions. I only know you from what Cerberus gave me. I can't pretend to know anything, just like I can't make you trust me."

Ashley's arguments immediately died in her throat and she looked away again, swallowing. Something about that statement disarmed her; she wasn't prepared to have someone, much less an alien that was hired to assassinate her and Shepard, be halfway decent. Not after their encounter in the elevator.

"Fair enough," she grumbled. "I _suppose._ "

Thane chuckled as Shepard's obnoxious, thundering walk rounded the corner. Both her and the drell shut up at the sight of him. She saw Thane straighten a little out of the corner of her eye, but she relaxed. The Commander glanced between the two of them, one brow arched, and said, "Problems?"

"No, sir," Ashley said, probably too fast.

He looked at Thane, but the assassin shook his head. "Fine. Sounds good to me, whatever. We're here for two things, Kasumi and Anderson."

"Anderson? Why didn't Kaidan just—"

Shepard fixed her with a dark look, but it quickly vanished as his shoulders slumped. "I don't think Kaidan could take another minute on this ship, nice as he was being or not."

Ashley hesitated as they stepped from the bay into the airlock. She wasn't sure if saying it was the best idea, but before she stopped herself, the world's had already left her mouth. "I can't say I blame him."

The silence that claimed the three of them was deafening. The doors closed behind them and a light flashed to indicate the beginning of equalizing pressures, but Shepard still said nothing, and still made no move to do anything. Not until the door leading to the docking bay opened, at least.

"What makes you say that? I thought you were fine with the ship."

"Too much Cerberus," Ashley said. "And I'm not comfortable with the fact that _this_ ship is a near perfect version of the old ship. It means Cerberus was watching from the beginning, or that they hacked Alliance records."

"Or that they know how our frigates are constructed," Shepard growled. "Because, y'know, ex-Alliance."

She bristled, but fixed her eyes firmly on the floor. "You're giving Cerberus too much credit, Commander. Nothing they ever do is innocent or fair. They might tell you it is, but there's always another angle they're playing."

"Ash, I hate Cerberus as much as you do, but not everything has an ulterior motive."

"You have no idea how wrong you are."


	27. Chapter 27

That was a mistake. Oh, that was the _biggest_ mistake of her life. She should've sat somewhere else. Anywhere else. She should've grabbed a protein bar and ran for cover somewhere else on the ship, but no, she sat between Jack and Thane when she got into the mess hall, and she regretted it as soon as the tattooed biotic looked at her.

"Morning, princess."

Ashley grunted, looked over her shoulder. Her distaste for Cerberus was obvious enough, but would running to Miranda's office be a good excuse? Probably not. Go figure the one day she's hungry enough to eat "real food," she would rather run for it.

"Heard C-Sec tried to arrest you yesterday," Jack continued.

Ashley bristled, but bit her tongue and said nothing. If Thane wasn't the other one next to her, she might've tried to ignore Jack by talking to someone else. Unfortunately for her, the people she was comfortable talking to weren't in the mess hall yet, and that would leave her subjected to Jack's verbal torture. How dumb did someone have to be to _instigate_ her?

"Kill some cops?" Jack asked.

"They'll be fine," Thane interrupted.

She ran her hands over the glass of water sitting in front of her. "No, they won't. I shot them in the throat so they'd die slowly and freak out their friends." Their newest team member, Kasumi, was giving her a goofy look from across the table. "I'd like to see Anderson get me out of _that_ one. Council's gonna be pissed when they find out that he let me go."

"I would recommend painting over the Cerberus logo," Thane said. "It might...prevent that from happening again."

Ashley snorted. "Everybody keeps telling me to do that. I keep saying no."

"Stupid," Jack grunted. "So...what? You hate Cerberus for a little pain here and there, and you won't do something to get rid of it? Shit, you're an idiot."

"A _little_ pain? Is that what you just said to me?"

"Yeah, a _little._ You have no idea what I went through as a kid."

"And you have no idea what I went through."

"You weren't a kid," Jack snapped.

Ashley slammed a hand on the table. Hard. The few people seated around them jumped. "It's not a fucking competition. Cerberus overstepped their bounds on both ends. I wasn't a kid, but you didn't have them plant little things in your head so you'd hear voices when it was too quiet."

"Ash."

 _Ah, shit._

It was Shepard, across the room, standing by Miranda's office. He'd just come from inside and was beckoning her over now, giving her this look so she knew she did something wrong. As she shoved herself from the table, she imagined getting into an argument with Jack probably wasn't the wisest idea. Probably smart that both of them stayed on opposite ends of the ship. Too bad Miranda was squished in the middle; Jack might go after her one of these days.

"Commander," she said coolly. She matched his stare, but she could tell he wasn't as pissed off as he was trying to be. He looked tired, if the slump in his shoulders was any indicator.

Shepard nodded to Miranda's office. His arms were crossed and he was giving Jack that same look he gave Ashley while she walked over. She passed him and went inside, claiming her usual place by the window immediately. Shepard reentered a moment later, dropping into a chair with an exhausted groan.

"What's this about?"

"I got an email this morning," Shepard said. "An...interesting one."

Ashley's eyes flicked over to Miranda, who was watching the both of them from the safety of her desk. "Kai Leng." Miranda stared at Ashley for several moments, but Ash didn't do much of anything except blink. "Recognize the name?"

"Should I?"

"He was the only other subject to survive Cerberus' enhancements," she said. "When you spoke with Staff Commander Alenko, you mentioned Admiral Mikhailovich."

"Yeah, Cerberus had me hunt him down," Ashley said, glancing between them. Her eyes settled on Miranda. "It was a test to see if I had...adjusted to everything properly. I don't remember killing him. I just remember standing over his body before..." She shrugged. "It goes dark after that. Fuzzy. The next thing I can remember is being back in my cell."

"That's because you didn't kill him." For half a second, Ashley was relieved. "You assisted the assassin, but you weren't the one that pulled the trigger."

"And the guy you mentioned is the one that did, right? Leng?"

Miranda nodded. "Leng seems to have been acting as a supervisor of sorts. Yours."

She didn't remember that. Maybe she never saw him outside of Cerberus' control? "How do you know that?"

"Liara forwarded the information when I asked," Shepard said.

"From what we can tell, Leng is responsible for quite a few suspicious deaths in the Alliance," Miranda continued. "However, Alliance investigation only points to one suspect. Female, white Cerberus armor." She looked up. "You, obviously."

"Obviously," Ashley muttered, rolling her eyes. "So I get it. I was sent with Leng on these missions and took the blame for his killings. What about it? I don't even know who this man is."

"Former Alliance, N7 status. He enlisted at 16 with fake credentials. I can't find any trace of him in Cerberus' databases, but the Shadow Broker's intel suggests he was also implanted with Reaper tech. No control chip. That's where it gets...weird."

"Weird how?"

"Cerberus had no Reaper technology catalogued until your body was recovered from Virmire. Leng was the first person to undergo the...upgrades. He volunteered for it, which is unsurprising. The few times I've spoken to the man, there's always something off with him." Ashley's brows shot up and Shepard shifted, looking first at her, then at Miranda. It seemed Miranda didn't tell him she knew who Leng was.

"Thing is," Shepard said, "he's also the one that suggested Cerberus try to do this with others. Make perfect soldiers, essentially. That's where you come in. Cerberus poured money into bringing you back because one, you were already trained. Two, you were already good at what you signed up for. And three, you knew me. I was a problem for Cerberus, and they wanted me out of the picture."

"What better way to kill someone?" Ashley remarked, not even trying to hide the sarcasm.

"Then I died."

"And your purpose was changed," Miranda said. "By the time the Commander had been killed, you were alive and fully functional, due to your body's proximity to Reaper tech. Aside from Leng, you are still the only one to have survived. And from the results, you seem to be faring better than he is. He required cybernetics to match the enhancements from both Cerberus and the Reapers. You did not, but you needed to be trained. Extensively. His cybernetics require constant readjustment so they perform as desired."

"What do they even do?"

"They keep him sane, for the most part," Miranda explained. "Even with cybernetics, the other subjects went insane within weeks."

"Except me."

Miranda nodded. "Except you. That makes you valuable to the Illusive Man."

"But why? I mean, there's nothing special about what I can do. Leng can do everything I can, right?"

"Yes, but the Illusive Man's goal is to ultimately control the Reapers," Shepard said. "And remember what you told us back on Horizon? How you have Reaper code in your DNA?"

"Leng doesn't," Ashley assumed.

"Your exposure to Reaper tech saved your life, ironically," Shepard said. "The Reaper tech Cerberus put in you... It took immediately. No transitional period, just bam! Instant success."

Ashley shook her head and held up a hand. "Okay, so I have a freakish bond with the Reapers. We already know that. What does this have to do with Leng?"

"He's been dispatched to reacquire you," Miranda said.

"Yeah, he sent me a lovely email sometime last night," Shepard said. "Told me he had orders to kill me and anyone nearby that got in his way."

"Oh."

"Yep."

"Now what?"

Shepard shrugged as he got to his feet. "We continue as planned. We go to Haestrom and extract Tali, then head to Virmire to see what you can get from the Reapers. Depending on what happens, we go from there." Miranda nodded in agreement and Ash looked back at him, biting her tongue hard enough to draw blood. "I'd also recommend you do something about your family. You might not want to, but anyone with common sense would go after them if getting to you was a problem."

Ashley stiffened. "Then you should probably do the same, Commander."

"My mother already understands the situation. She's serving on a Kilimanjaro-class dreadnaught, so she's as safe as someone can get." She didn't move. Ash stared at him for a good long while as her stomach twisted into terrified knots. Shepard easily held her gaze, brows raised. "We'll be approaching Haestrom within the next couple of hours. You might want to get a move on."

She nodded numbly. "Yes, sir."

That dread Trakes was feeling yesterday? She was feeling it too.

* * *

Finding a place with some privacy was becoming rapidly difficult on the _Normandy._ Everywhere she went, there were either technicians or one of Shepard's teammates, leaving her little options. In the end, she ended up in the armory, pulling on her hard suit over the light clothes she wore beneath it. It was stupid, but it made her feel stronger. Maybe she could handle sending off a vid message to her sisters.

Ashley doubted it. This would probably put her in a sour mood for the rest of the day.

Shepard had loaned her his laptop earlier, dropping it off on his way to the bridge. He'd stopped to chat with Jacob, left, and hadn't been back in over an hour. He was giving her time to figure out what she was supposed to do, but they'd just gotten through the relay into the system, and that didn't give her the time she thought she needed.

 _Fuck it._

She logged off Shepard's email and into her own, and scrolled through her contacts. People that were dead. People who thought _she_ was dead. Ashley wasn't even sure who she should send the message to in the first place. Her mom was always an option, but that would probably open the _biggest_ shitstorm she'd ever faced in her entire life. She wasn't ready for that. Not physically, not mentally, not...whatever.

For a while, she just stared at the screen of unopened and opened emails. Her fingers drummed on the table she claimed and Jacob gave her space, running inventory on their supply of heat sinks. The rhythmic clicking and tapping as he checked, inspected, and stocked each one was a calming sound, and was probably the only reason she didn't leave the room. Silence always compelled her to move, if only to ignore the faint sounds her imagination came up with.

"How am I supposed to do this?"

Jacob paused. Then the tapping resumed. "Do what?"

"Tell my family I'm not dead."

Another click as he opened the side. A pause, then a click as he closed it. A tap as he put it with the rest of them. "This is one of those things that you just do."

"That helps, _so_ much," Ashley deadpanned.

"Don't know what to tell you," Jacob said. "I'm an only child and I don't talk to my mother anymore. All I can tell you is just go for it, come back and check once you guys get back from Haestrom." She glanced back at him, but he wasn't looking at her. That was how most of their conversations went; back to back as they worked to ignore each other. "Maybe do a little praying if you've got the time. Heard you used to be religious or something."

"I don't think God would approve of dying and being brought back to life just to kill people."

"Guess He could've let you stay dead then, right?"

Ashley snorted and reverted her gaze to the screen. One of the emails she'd left unopened was from her youngest sister, Sarah. Two unopened, specifically. She remembered leaving one of the vids Sarah sent alone, stupidly thinking she'd come back and reply to it. That was the same day she died. However, the email's time stamp was more recent, a week or two _after_ Virmire. Then there was another, after the date of Saren's attack on the Citadel. They stopped after that, but there was one from Abby, only a few months old. If remembering half of the crap she just did wasn't so painful, she'd probably have the willpower to recall exactly what she'd been doing on that day.

 _I can't watch these._

They were goodbyes. She didn't have to open either thread to know what they were. Ashley had stupidly done the same thing after their father died—send emails that would ever be opened, just so she felt like she hadn't forgotten him. Read _Ulysses_ at his grave before rotating to her next posting.

Her head dropped off the table and she groaned. "I'm a mess."

Jacob laughed. Something about that made her laugh, and she shook her head even though the rim of the table dug into her forehead. "I think we all earned a little bit of that."

"Being a mess? Yeah, I guess so. But that doesn't mean I have the time for it."

Ashley sighed as she sat up, running a hand through her hair. Still not pulled back, but it would have to be before they left. There was no shot in hell of her ever walking into a potential combat zone with her hair flying about. That was just asking to get shot.

"Sarah," she muttered to herself, reaching forward to click the tab.

"What was that?"

"I was just...telling myself who I'd send the...email to," Ashley admitted. "That's...step one."

Jacob chuckled. "Harder than you thought?"

"Yeah."

She read the line of text that came with the vidmail, the most recent. _Commander Shepard showed up today, at the house._ Her mouth went dry. He'd told her he'd personally gone to her family, hadn't he? _He gave mom two little boxes. Medals, from the turians and salarians. He said he was sorry._

Ashley _loathed_ crying. She'd hated it before, but since her breakdowns on the damn ship, she'd started to dread anything that even remotely looked like tears. But she could've cried right then and there, and not hated herself for it. Things like that weren't meant to ever be read. By anyone. She felt like she was violating Sarah's privacy with this. They were her emails and it still felt wrong.

"What was that earlier? 'Just do it'?"

"Yep," Jacob replied. "Do it and deal with the consequences later."

There were going to be consequences. She hit the button to reply, glared at the recording option, and slowly, reluctantly, hit it. _I don't want to do this. It isn't fair._

She stared at herself for a second, perfectly captured as the camera showed her what she'd be sending. Exactly the same as the day she died. Brown eyes, dark hair. But she looked so tired. It was an exhaustion she recognized; Shepard had worn it there, towards the end. He wore it now, but hid it carefully behind tight-lipped smiles and carefully placed laughs of forced amusement.

Ashley ran a hand down her face. Thirty seconds of her just looking like she'd rather die than do this. Come to think of it, she would.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say." Jacob, thankfully, didn't reply, but kept working at their clips. She focused on the sound and took a steadying breath. She'd done harder things; she could do this. "I mean...what _am_ I supposed to say? 'Hey, look I'm not dead!' Well...I did just say that. Uh..." Jacob snorted a laugh, loudly, and she shot a glare at his back. "You're not helping."

"My job isn't to help you," he said, a bit too cheerfully for his usual self. "My job is to count thermal clips and tell you to hurry up. Commander won't like it if you're late."

She propped her elbow up on the table and rested her chin on her palm. Her eyes flicked nervously back to the camera. Minute and a half. At least she'd talked. "Yeah, I probably should get this over with. I'm...on a ship. A remake of the old _Normandy,_ still under Shepard's command. It's...a Cerberus vessel. Sort of. Not really. Uh...not anymore, I guess. That's more appropriate."

"All crew prepare for deceleration." EDI's warning. They were getting close to Haestrom.

Ashley didn't stop talking. If she stopped, she didn't think she'd be able to finish. "I don't have the time for a full explanation. Just...be careful, all right? We stole this ship, and her previous owner is out for all of us. If you see _anything_ suspicious, let me know, or tell mom, or something. I don't know. If you think someone's following you, don't go home; go to a barracks or somewhere safe. If someone asks about me, tell them I'm dead, and get the hell out of wherever you are, okay? I don't want you guys getting hurt because of my stupid mistakes."

The door to the CIC opened. She didn't look, but she didn't have to. "Ash, time to go." It was Shepard's voice.

"Give me three seconds."

"That's about all you've got. Shuttle's prepped for launch."

"I'll be there." Once he was gone, she sighed again and grabbed her backpack. On her feet, grabbed her pistol and a hairtie. "Be safe. I love you."

Ashley didn't give herself the chance to wonder if that was fair. She sent it and shut the screen off, then made for the elevator. She already felt sick. This wasn't going to be a good day.


	28. Chapter 28

A clear landing was probably the last _good_ thing that would be happening all day. The shuttle hardly shook as it dropped them off. Planetside in geth space? Yeah, that was high on Ashley's list of places to go. She'd seen enough geth on Eden Prime, but they kept coming back, like an annoying little insect. They had been about as annoying during their hunt for Saren as the Blue Suns had been earlier.

Shepard went ahead to talk to the shuttle pilot after they landed, so the rest of them piled out and waited. He'd brought Trakes and Garrus, along with her, because he figured the same as she did; dropping into geth space with three people was a stupid idea. So what was his solution? Drop into geth space with _four_ people.

"Sun's bright," Trakes said, shielding his eyes as he looked up.

"Suns tend to do that, lieutenant."

He shot her a grin and dropped his arm. "Sure you'll be able to see without something protecting your eyes, princess?"

Ashley rolled her eyes. "You talk to Jack too much." Before he could say something, she continued, "But yes, I'll be perfectly fine. Worry about yourself. Been on a ship too long. Your aim will be off."

Trakes scoffed, pretending to be offended. "You're talking to the best sniper in the Alliance. If anything, you'll faint from being in awe."

"I can out-shoot you with my eyes closed." Garrus started to say something, but Ashley cut him off. "This is between me and Trakes, Vakarian." The turian laughed and went off to join Shepard as he stepped from the shuttle. Ashley looked back to Trakes, rifle resting on his shoulder with that cocky smirk on his face.

"That a bet?"

"Oh, that's a bet," she said.

His grin broadened as he reached up to snap his visor shut. "Better start counting."

Shepard trooped past with Garrus, snapping, "Fall in!" She bit back a grin as she jumped to Shepard's flank, easily matching his usual pace. He glanced at her with a raised brow and allowed a smile to crack his scarring features. Small and faint, barely there, but she returned the gesture anyway.

"Commander, EDI's picking up some strange readings," Joker said over the comm. "It looks like the sun is—"

Shepard was the first to step out of the shade. Ashley followed as a very close second, and practically as one, they flinched as their hard suit alarms went off. The noise was sudden enough to disorient both of them; Garrus and Trakes followed, and quickly found themselves in the same position. Alarms going off, smoke rising off them, shields flashing frantically as they tried and failed to regenerate.

"The light's frying our shields!"

"Double time people!" Shepard ordered. He smacked the back of Ashley's arm before taking off at a sprint. She didn't waste any time following, catching up the instant Trakes and Garrus started chasing them. Shepard's strides were longer, but hers came faster. Ashley ended up outrunning him halfway down a small ramp, headed straight for a door with a visible lock. Green, open. It was motion activated, and as soon as she got within range, it dropped into its floor pocket.

The room wasn't as large as she'd expected. She slid to a stop, but still managed to hit the stone wall with enough force that she saw stars. It was surprisingly cool to the touch and she rested her forehead against it, breathing heavily through her nose. The others piled inside a few seconds later, bouncing off each other and the walls as they slowed too quickly.

A hand fell on her shoulder and she stole a glance. Shepard. "You all right?"

She nodded. "You?"

"Fine," he said, turning back to the others. "What about you guys? You good?"

Trakes' reply was a simple nod, whereas Garrus said, "Never better."

Shepard laughed breathlessly and shook his head, running a hand down his face. "Thought you were better without those scars."

Ashley swallowed as she caught her breath. She might be able to run faster, but that didn't necessarily mean further. Same distance, just faster. She could sprint a solid mile before she'd actually have to stop, but even a short sprint still took the air out of her. The only difference was her muscles could handle that strain. Any sprint left her as winded as the next person, but solely because she still breathed like a normal person. Training yourself to breathe less frequently wasn't something she thought she was capable of.

"Looks like we're fighting in the shade," Trakes quipped.

"Good enough for me."

She leaned past Shepard while he fiddled with a control panel, probably to the gate outside, and brushed past to inspect the geth crumpled on the floor. Garrus was already scanning a nearby quarian with his omni-tool, Trakes was checking himself for damage, and Shepard was occupied with that stupid panel, so she figured she could do something rather than just stand around. Besides, the last time Ash saw geth, she'd died at the end of the day.

It was a prime, red armor plating and synthetic tissue almost perfectly intact as she rolled it into its back. A few shots to the chest had always done the trick on them, and the quarians seemed to follow the same general thinking. Three holes, clustered around the same area, had punched straight through its shields and armor. Disruptor ammo, probably. For all their problems, quarians were anything _but_ stupid; they'd know every flaw the geth had if they had the chance.

Staring at that thing, it pissed her off. She _hated_ geth. They killed her friends, slaughtered them while she was virtually helpless, and then killed her only a few months later. What a stupid thought. Only marine to survive the geth attack on Eden Prime, but turned around and ended up dead because of them.

Ashley wished Shepard saved her, but she wouldn't wish this madness on Kaidan. Not when she knew she could handle it. Regardless of whether or not she thought he could, there was no godly way anything Cerberus did was remotely fair or right. Not when she had nightmares of being beat with batons, not when every waking minute of her life was wondering when she'd finally snap and kill someone on the _Normandy._

She shook her head and sighed, standing. Jack could control herself. Some days, like yesterday, it was too hard for Ashley to swallow.

One solid punch to the wall splintered cracks under her fist. Dust rained down on their heads and Garrus jumped, giving her this sideways look as she marched back outside. Standing just out of the sun's reach was oddly satisfying. It couldn't do shit to her as long as she stayed in the shade.

She planted her hands on her hips and paced back and forth, waiting for Shepard to give the all-clear. Garrus joined her in the meantime, standing in the doorway and watching her wander to either end of the shady patch.

"What's up?" he asked eventually.

Ashley shook her head. She stopped pacing, standing only a few feet away from the turian. Garrus easily had a foot on her, but that didn't make him intimidating. He was just Garrus, and as long as he never pointed that gun at her (again), she'd never have a problem with him. Not now.

"I haven't told you yet."

"Told me what?"

"That you're not as big a pain in the ass as I originally thought you were."

He flared his mandibles in that weird grin of his. "Going soft on us?"

"I'm not letting you off the hook that easily, Vakarian." He laughed. "I just thought I should tell you that. Y'know, before I changed my mind."

To her left, the gate rumbled open as Shepard let out one of his characteristic whoops. They were becoming less and less frequent lately, and seeing that childish smirk on his face again as he went out to join them brought a smile to her face. His eyes fell on hers for the briefest of moments, tinged red and all, and something in her chest gave.

 _Still that same idealistic idiot._

* * *

"Uh, Commander?"

He looked back over his shoulder at Ashley, crouched and ready to move. "What is it?"

"Can I just say how shitty our choices always are?"

He grinned at her. "Life's never easy, Ash."

"Yeah, but this is ridiculous."

The air felt like it tensed as a high-pitched ring split her ears. A bright light flashed and the ground shook as the colossus fired at them again, sending pebbles and small chunks of concrete splattering over them. Shepard was holding her back against the crane, watching carefully as Trakes and Garrus advanced from above. It was slow going, but from what Ashley could see past Shepard, the two made a formidable team.

The colossus fired again and Ashley let out a groan, barely audible even to herself. Shepard laughed and squeezed her arm, saying, "You okay?" She nodded, eyelids clenched shut. They'd encountered geth before, briefly, while hunting down Prothean data spheres for Cerberus, but it was nothing like this. Her and Grunt ran in, picked it up, and did their best to leave the geth to Shepard and Garrus in the Hammerhead. Here, she was wading through them, and it made her skin crawl.

"Remember, we're here for Tali," Shepard said. An encouraging smile tugged at his lips, something that looked terrifyingly odd on such an angry face. "She needs us, okay?"

"I know," Ashley snapped, biting her tongue. She expected Shepard's expression to harden into that guarded thing he'd been around her the last few days, but it didn't. He still had that smile, that stupid encouragement she wanted to tell him to shove up his ass.

"You can do this, Ash."

She nodded and swallowed, forcing herself to believe it. "Thanks." She didn't believe him.

"We're in position, Commander," Garrus radioed. The colossus fired at the crane Ashley and Shepard were ducked behind, shoving it into their backs and pushing them closer to the sunlight they already despised. "We'll get that thing's attention and give you guys a chance to move up."

"Do it fast!" Shepard ordered. "You ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

Shepard nodded, visibly tightened his grip on his shotgun. They waited for the colossus to fire at the others, listening for the small explosion. Even with it firing at Garrus and Trakes, Ashley could still feel the ground shake.

"Go!"

Without any hesitation, they bolted. Garrus and Trakes had removed any chance of them having to worry about snipers, but there were still geth on their left. The synthetics were in the sun, however, and popping off a few shots as she ran seemed to have the desired effect. They stuck to the shade of the platform. Any fire the geth returned bounced harmlessly off their shields, whereas they'd only have to waste one or two bullets to drop one of them.

Ashley was the first up the ramp. A rocket trooper was waiting for them, but Shepard whipped around the corner and blasted it back into a concrete block. For a brief few seconds, they were exposed to the geth and the sun's harsh radiation, and no matter how fast they got into cover, the geth still took advantage of it. One of their bolts grazed her arm and she felt it burn straight down to her skin.

She slid behind the support column, letting out a breath she wasn't aware she was holding when her head fell back against the stone. Shepard was across from her, concealed by supports and crates, and mouthed, "You good?"

Ash gave him a thumbs-up. It didn't hurt, not really, but her armor was smoking and so was her skin. Burned. It would probably feel like hell if she still processed pain the same way everyone else did. Thankfully for her, she didn't, and it wasn't bad enough to keep her arm from cooperating. She was more than capable of getting back on her feet and keeping the geth off them.

The fighting was unsurprisingly difficult. Not because the geth were hard to kill, but because she had to keep tabs on who the colossus was firing on, make sure Shepard didn't get overwhelmed, and deal with the geth still pouring up the ramp in waves. They funneled themselves, which was easy enough to handle, but between getting shot at from nearly every single possible angle, it became daunting.

"How long can they keep this up?"

"Hopefully not much longer!" Shepard answered. "You have any of those grenades? The ones from Horizon?" A teal ball of plasma bounced off the wall next to her head and she ducked, holding up two fingers. "Can they burn through armor?"

Ashley reloaded her handgun. Just as she went to answer, one of the geth fired a missile launcher in their direction. It missed horribly, but the resulting explosion was enough to piss her off. She barely leaned around a metal crate, throwing out her arm to fire a shot at its head.

"Ash!"

"I haven't tried it, but there's no reason they shouldn't be able to," she answered. "Not gonna do much if its shields are still active."

"Let me worry about that!" Shepard snapped. "Give me the damn things!"

She pulled one of the inferno grenades off its clip and tossed it to him. "What happened to your grenade launcher?"

"Outta ammo," he replied. "Had to blow up that prime between us and the quarians, remember?"

As he stood to throw the flashing little fire bomb, Ashley shook her head. "Yeah, the _dead_ quarians."

"Like I knew we'd end up fighting a colossus on foot." She heard the crackle of the grenade going off and felt the ground tremble as the colossus staggered. The geth were getting closer; she turned and skidded behind a slab of concrete. It left her exposed to the geth protecting the colossus, but it freed her from the restrictions of the advancing ones by the ramp.

"I need the second one!"

She threw it in his general direction, hoping he'd find it, and stood. Three geth, two rocket troopers. They usually had shields; they'd need to be killed before they got in the shade. One shot, right to its flashlight head, and it was down. The other took two shots to the chest before it fell. She ducked back down as the regular raised its gun. Pulse shots splattered the wall in front of her. _Ten, nine, eight..._

When her count reached zero, she stood back up and placed a bullet (more like a lucky hit) right through one of its cables. It tore in a spurt of coolant, and then the synthetic fell less than a second later.

Ashley waited for several seconds, watching, expecting more, but once she realized they were done, she rejoined Shepard behind a barrier. She stole a glance at the colossus, a sparking mass of metal and skin, as it staggered on weakened legs. It had to be close. That thing was nearly dead. It hadn't fired at any of them in a while.

"Give me your rifle."

He froze, paused, and gave her this look. "What?"

"Your shotgun has the range to hit that thing. My pistol can't get through that plating. Give me your rifle."

"Good plan," Shepard decided. "Don't break it."

She rolled her eyes as he pulled the weapon off his back. "I'm not going to break your precious gun."

"You better not. That thing's saved my life more than you."

Ashley snorted. "Keeping count?"

"Maybe," Shepard said, grinning.

She switched out his old clip in favor of a new one, snapped the compartment shut, and said, "And if I save your ass with this gun?"

"I'll consider awarding the point to you." She rolled her eyes. While he reloaded his shotgun, he said, "I'm going to make a move for its legs, try to shoot its head. Just because it isn't firing now doesn't mean it's not capable of it. Keep the geth off me, check on Garrus and Trakes. They've been taking a lot of fire." She nodded. "You ready?"

"Yes, sir."

"Let's get it done." He waited a beat. She could hear Garrus and Trakes firing, and hear pulse rifles firing back. It made her skin crawl. "Go!"

Ashley hated geth. Despised them. She couldn't remember the last few hours, slowly advancing through the sea of synthetics waiting for them. It was painfully slow going, but between her hatred and compartmentalizing, remembering today was going to be hard. She purposely forgot the vid she sent Sarah, purposely forgot about Eden Prime and Virmire, and all so she could get through today. It backfired. She couldn't even remember how many clips she had left, or how many geth she'd killed. Trakes wasn't going to be happy about that.

Killing the last of the geth was mechanical. Somehow she ended up on the same side of the courtyard as Garrus and Trakes, and somehow the colossus had collapsed. She didn't remember a second of it, and it just happened less than ten seconds ago.

They killed a colossus. On foot. Without heavy weapons. Maybe she should be proud, but all she felt was relief.

"Stay out here," Shepard ordered. "Keep an eye out for more geth. Ash, see if there's anything you can treat with medigel. I'll go check on Tali." He was standing by the head of the beast, brushing dust off his hard suit. Ashley threw him his gun, unsure if she even fired it, and watched him march up to the red door. He started talking over the comm and she decided it would be better if she just did what she was told to do.

"You guys good?"

Garrus nodded, leaning against one of the huge bricks. "Minor burns. I'll be fine."

Her eyes travelled to Trakes, sitting on the ground with his leg outstretched. "What about you? Need anything?"

He glanced up, back down at his leg, and shrugged. "I took a shot to the thigh, but it went clean through. Don't know what you can do with medigel if it's not bleeding, but..."

"It stops the flow of blood. Let me see."

Trakes sat back on his hands. "Be my guest."

Ashley slung her backpack off her shoulders and crouched next to his leg. Nice, clean shot right above his knee. Not much blood. The heat cauterized the wound even as it inflicted it, which probably killed a lot of the pain before he could feel it. There really wasn't anything she could do, not with medigel and some rolls of gauze, but binding it was better than nothing.

"You took this up on the platform?"

He nodded. "Sloppy mistake. I didn't check my flank and one of the bastards got me."

"Yeah, well, next time you'll check your flank." She propped his leg up at an angle and ran a strip of gauze around the wound before tying it off. He was giving her this look, but she didn't care. After helping him up, she reverted her attention to Garrus, who was now inspecting the dead colossus. Ashley joined him as he stopped next to its head.

"Never realized how hard these things were to kill," he commented, nudging the flashlight with the barrel of his sniper rifle. Semi-automatic. Ash preferred bolt action.

"We always had the Mako," she said. "Cannons make it a lot easier."

"I think I liked the Mako more than the Hammerhead." She arched a brow at him, planting her hands on her hips. "It's steadier. Less sharp turns. Easier to control the gun."

"Never thought I'd hear you asking for that stupid thing."

"Only today."

Ashley looked back down at the colossus and nodded her agreement. "Yeah. Shepard would've just run it over. Like everything else."

Garrus chuckled. "Can't fault him if it works."

"Unless it works _too_ well."

"Like what?"

She shook her head. "You don't want to know."

Garrus started to reply, but stopped when they heard the door open. He turned to look and they both watched as Shepard funneled outside with Kal'Reegar, a quarian marine, and Tali on his heels. Reegar was obviously wounded; he was limping and holding his side, but Ash had to give him credit. He was the last of his squad alive and he still wanted to fight back. The geth would've got him too if Shepard had been a minute late.

Reminded her of herself, actually. It sounded exactly like Eden Prime. Sort of. Maybe on paper.

"They good to move?" Shepard asked.

Ash drew herself out of her thoughts and nodded, stepping past Garrus. "Trakes took one in the leg, but if the shuttle can pick us up here, it shouldn't matter."

"We're escorting Reegar back to his ship," Shepard explained.

"That's unnecessary, Commander," he said, sounding a bit more than standoffish.

"We're in geth space. I doubt they're going to let you walk off-planet easily." Shepard looked from Reegar to Ashley, down to Trakes, and nodded to himself. "Radio the _Normandy_ for a med evac. I'll get Reegar back to his ship. Ash, get the rest of them back to the ship."

"I'm not leaving—"

"That's an _order,_ Williams."

She stiffened, but nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Don't let her do anything stupid, Garrus."

Ashley rolled her eyes, but Garrus seemed rather pleased with the order. "You got it, Shepard."

"Good. I think I covered all the basics. I'll see you back on the ship." He rested a hand on Tali's shoulder before jogging to catch up with Reegar, who had begun limping his way back through the complex. Ashley scowled at Shepard's back as he went, glaring until he was gone from sight.

She shook her head. "Get the shuttle sent down, Garrus." The turian nodded, glancing between Ashley and Tali, then wandered off to do as told. He stopped by Trakes to do it; Ashley could hear Joker taking shots at Garrus even at that distance.

"You look good." Ashley's head snapped up. Tali had made her way towards her, now standing a few feet away. "For a dead woman."

"Nice to see you too," she said, trying (and failing) to cover the hint of suspicion in her voice.

"That was you on Freedom's Progress?"

"It's a long story."

"Working for Cerberus now?"

"Not...exactly." Ashley's eyes flicked to Garrus and Trakes. The latter was inspecting his rifle, but the former was watching with that creepy turian grin plastered to his face. "Like I said, long story."

"You'll have to share."

"And you'll tell me what you're doing on this hellhole?"

Tali looked up, around, then back, and nodded. "One condition." Ashley started to ask what else she could possibly want, but the girl grabbed her in a hug. A surprisingly tight one. She coughed, but it quickly turned into a laugh. "Don't do that again." It wasn't hard to figure out what Tali meant.

Ashley returned the gesture. "It's a deal."


	29. Chapter 29

"How are our stocks of materials?"

Chambers jumped and Shepard tried not to allow a self-satisfied smirk creep over his features. "Oh, Commander! I didn't realize... I'm sorry, sir. I was told you were still on Haestrom."

He joined her at her small workplace, watching the galaxy map pulsate. It was probably his favorite place on the ship, the CIC. He could stare at the map for hours. "Our stocks, Chambers."

"Yes, sir." Shepard waited patiently, eyes travelling over the crew as they worked, maintaining all the little things Joker couldn't keep up with since he was piloting the ship solo. "We're running short on element zero, Commander. That being said, the _Normandy_ is carrying high levels of platinum, iridium, and palladium."

Shepard leaned over her shoulder to see for himself and nodded. "Good. Next time we're on the Citadel, have Trakes, Donnelly, and Daniels start integrating the ship's upgrades." He produced a datapad from behind his back and gave it to her. "New shields, new armor, larger fuel cells. These are the specs."

"How long do you plan to be on the Citadel?"

"Long enough. We've been hoarding this stuff for months; it's high time we used it, don't you think?"

Kelly smiled and nodded. "Yes, sir."

Shepard nodded again. "I'll talk to you later, Chambers." She gave her traditional farewell as the Commander made his way past, headed to the bridge. He made it short, jogging up the few steps with a purpose and walking quickly to Joker's secluded area. It was surprisingly quiet. Every time Shepard had entered the bridge, the pilot was arguing with EDI about why something wouldn't work, only to find out that the AI was right.

"Hey, Commander."

"Hey." He took his place on Joker's right, looked out at the stars as they swirled overhead.

"Decide on where to go?"

"Yeah. Plot a course for the Sentry Omega." Shepard waited. He knew Joker would recognize the name. There was no way any of them were going to forget it. Not after what happened there.

Joker visibly swallowed as he swivelled around in his chair. "Uh, Commander? The Sentry Omega's been off-limits for years. Y'know, since...uh..." He scratched his cheek and waved a hand. "Virmire? Since that."

"Sentry Omega. Hoc System," Shepard said forcefully.

"Any particular reason you _want_ to go there?"

"Ash thinks she can get us through the Omega 4 relay," he said.

Joker laughed in disbelief, turning back around in his chair. He waved an arm at his monitors before making an entry in his system. "'Course it's her. Because why can't we ever have someone _normal_ on the ship? No, that makes too much sense. Let's have Joker fly us into restricted Council space and see if they don't shoot us down the minute we go through the relay." Shepard shook his head and Joker looked back at him. "I might be the best pilot the Alliance had, but I can't outrun a dreadnaught with locked cannons. And as much as I love my ship, there are some things she can't do either."

"Shot down Sovereign," Shepard said.

"The entire Arcturus fleet was there! I shot at him, what, twice?"

"Once."

Both of them jumped; Shepard had been too focused on Joker's objections to hear the door open, and Joker had been too busy arguing. Not to mention Ash walked so quietly Shepard never heard her coming, no matter the situation.

"And how the hell do you know that?" Joker asked.

She joined them, taking place to the pilot's left, and said, "You think Cerberus pulled Reaper tech outta their asses? No. Teams broke into the Council's storages and ransacked Virmire. Any Reaper tech Cerberus has came from Sovereign, including whatever implants they used on me. Not to mention I spent several weeks buried with chunks of him, so..." She shrugged as she trailed off. "I can get us through the relay, but I need to get to Virmire."

Joker looked to Shepard, giving him a "are you kidding me" look, and all he could do was shrug. It wasn't like Shepard could say anything; he'd agreed to this plan days ago.

"Okay, fine," Joker said. "I'll plot the course, but what happens when we drop out of FTL in front of a fleet of turians?"

"It's not going to be turians," Ashley said.

Shepard's head snapped around to look at her. She was staring at Joker's monitors. "What are you talking about?"

"While you were getting Reegar back to his ship, Miranda and I were going through Cerberus' files again. She was helping me track fleet movements."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not about to tell you to send the crew to their deaths," she snapped. "I wanted to make sure Cerberus had left the Hoc System when the Council dropped their blockade in."

"And?"

"Yeah, well..." She glanced at him. He could see the fear in her eyes, hidden behind a careful mask of indifference. "There's no blockade anymore."

"Mother of fucking..." Joker caught himself. "All right. How many ships are there? What class?"

"I don't have current records. Last month, the Illusive Man rotated out two cruisers for a dreadnaught, plus the rest of their ships. They've been rotating like that since they first got boots on Virmire, but God only knows what he has waiting for us now."

Joker looked back at Shepard. "And you just...go off this crap intel?"

He exchanged glances with Ash, then looked back to the pilot, and said, "Better intel than the first time." He saw her smirk. He didn't return it. As much as he understood that this needed to be done, Joker had a valid point. The Sentry Omega _was_ restricted Citadel space, and it _was_ illegal to enter the nebula. He was already walking on eggshells with the Council. Now there was a Cerberus fleet with ships they didn't have much info on? Shepard hated the idea.

But if that's what it would take to get the Collectors, he was all for it. The Illusive Man was _not_ going to get there first.

"How long would it take us to hit the Hoc System?" Shepard asked.

Joker shook his head once, but ran the estimates. "From here, three hours at the most. The relay isn't far and the Sentry Omega isn't as far as bouncing back to the Citadel."

Shepard frowned a bit. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Ashley watching him. He ignored her. They were going to launch a fight with an _entire_ fleet, with _one_ ship. He'd done stupid shit before, namely getting involved with this to begin with, but this took the cake—this was the dumbest thing he'd ever done.

"Can you get more information from a live terminal?" He looked at Ash, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Getting to a live terminal might be just as difficult, sir," she said. "I'd need someone's computer that had access to the Illusive Man's databases, and the only way to get that is to go through—"

"Some pain in the ass' base," Shepard assumed.

She shrugged, but nodded. "In short, yes. But then he'd know we were coming, the Illusive Man."

"I think he already would."

"Not true, Commander," EDI interrupted. "I am given records of when video files are pulled from my storages. The Illusive Man hasn't tried to view the _Normandy_ in a week."

He heard Ash mutter something about "wow, a whole week," but he ignored her again. "You were saying?"

"We'd lose the element of surprise," Ashley answered. "We would have to assault a base for a computer with that kind of access, and the base would alert Cerberus command before calling for reinforcements."

"So we go through a relay knowing there's probably a dreadnaught and fifty other damn ships waiting for us, or we go find out exactly what's there, only to give him time to send _more_ ships to defend the relay." Joker turned to face her now. "I get that right?"

"Sounded like it."

"That's an easy decision for me," Joker replied. "I'd take the crap intel and run with it, Commander."

Shepard blocked both of them out for a minute. There had to be a solution, one that didn't lead to getting his ship blown up and his crew killed. Otherwise, he was sure both options would end up that way. This wasn't something he could do with just the _Normandy._ This was a full-on assault on Cerberus-controlled space.

"We need the Alliance," Shepard said.

"Yeah, they're going to help us." She was being sarcastic. When _wasn't_ Ashley being sarcastic? "Dead Spectre working with a Cerberus sleeper agent? Yeah. Good plan, Skipper."

"Anderson can get us ships."

"Last I checked, Admiral Hackett was in control of the fleets."

"And last _I_ checked, Williams, Anderson was Earth's Councilor."

"You think Hackett will send his ships so we can go frolicking for Reaper tech and bad memories on Virmire?"

He bit his tongue to keep from yelling. It was easy to forget, apparently, how mouthy she could be. Always questioning him and his orders. It dragged on most days. "We don't need the fleets, Ash. We just need backup."

"They're not going to give it to us, sir." His eyebrows shot up; she rarely ever knew when to rein it in, if ever. That was frighteningly calm, and he remembered why she'd scared him back when they'd first got the SR-2. "We're flying Cerberus colors on a Cerberus ship. The crew is Cerberus. EDI is Cerberus. You were brought back to life by Cerberus. I've killed Alliance officials and have Reaper tech in my brain because of Cerberus. And you think we're going to get backup?"

"Anderson isn't unreasonable. Neither is Hackett."

"The Sentry Omega is restricted space for God's sake! The Council isn't going to clear any ships going through that relay!"

He sighed and ran a hand down his face. "Fine. You have a point there."

Joker had been quiet for a few minutes, leaning on his armrest. "Deploy in the shuttle. I can draw them off, lose them in another system and circle back, and orbit close to the sun so they can't pick the _Normandy_ up on their scanners."

"I'm not leaving you in control of the ship with a whole fleet coming after you," Shepard said.

"All due respect, Commander, but do you have any better ideas? I mean, unless you really do want to waste time getting the Council to clear the Alliance's aid."

"I didn't think you'd take Ash's side."

"Uh, politics, remember? Got us grounded when we were hunting Saren. I'm not getting grounded again."

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fine. Plot a course for Sentry Omega, Hoc System. I'll take my team and we'll set down on Virmire. Keep the _Normandy_ safe." Shepard fixed Ashley with a stare and motioned for her to follow him. "I'll be down when we're making our approach."

"Aye aye, sir," Joker said.

That being said, Shepard turned and walked from the bridge. A glance back showed him Ash was following. He didn't stop to tell her why he called her after him, and he didn't stop to talk to the rest of the crew. He could deal with this, then go make his rounds before they entered the Hoc System. His team needed to be ready for their flight through the Omega 4 relay; after they were done here, he'd gladly help any who needed it.

The elevator had barely allowed them on when she started frowning at him. Shepard kept his expression carefully blank as he hit the button to take them to his cabin. He wasn't mad, not exactly, but irritated. Questioning him and his orders at every single opportunity would do that. She'd done it when they were going after Saren and she was getting back in the habit of it. This had been one of the rare times Shepard had actually seen merit behind the point she was trying to make.

He stepped from the elevator and stopped by his door, waiting for her to follow. Ashley piled out after him, standing in the exact same position she'd adopted back on the bridge. Arms clasped behind her back, feet shoulder width apart. Shepard couldn't decide if she was trying to look unfazed, or if she was trying to intimidate him. Either way, he'd say she was doing a good job.

"What's your problem?"

One of her eyebrows shot up. " _My_ problem? My problem is we're wasting time bouncing across the galaxy when the Collectors are still out there."

"I thought you'd be happy to have Tali on board."

"Commander—"

"And stop the 'Commander' shit," he said. "You only listen to my orders when it's convenient for you." Her jaw snapped shut and her mouth thinned into a line. "The point is, this is my ship. I give the orders, you follow them. And you follow them without hesitation."

When she didn't say anything, he turned to enter his cabin. _Point has been made._

"And if I see something you don't?"

 _Or maybe not._

Shepard froze, back to her, and listened.

"What if I catch something you miss? Or, God forbid, your orders could get someone killed? No one is perfect, sir."

"My orders haven't gotten anyone killed since..." He trailed off and swallowed, shaking his head as he turned back to her.

"Me. And you were dead longer than I was, if I remember correctly."

Shepard nodded once. There was his problem—when he got upset, it never lasted. It was always a momentary outburst past his calm exterior. He wasn't feeling much of anything now, nothing but exhaustion. He wanted to sleep.

"Face it, Commander. As much as you don't like it, you need me to question you on a daily basis."

He snorted and forced himself to meet her eyes. Shepard didn't think he'd ever met a woman who was as big a pain in the ass as she was. He didn't know if she had to try, or if she was just naturally an ass.

"Didn't I tell you to stop calling me that? What happened to Skipper?"

"It annoys you. It's my job to annoy you."

Shepard shook his head and laughed. "And I thought you liked me."

Both of her brows shot up. "You mean I can't like you _and_ like to get on your nerves? Shit. That's probably why I'm still single."

It was his turn to look surprised. He took a few steps closer, frowning, and said, "Single?"

"You've been making it pretty clear where we stand, so I assumed—"

Shepard sighed. He deserved that. It wasn't like they'd been on friendly terms the last couple of days. That was partially due to him being so standoffish lately, and Ashley's own tendency to be so defensive.

"Unless I tell you I want nothing to do with you, don't assume anything."

Ashley shrugged; she still hadn't relaxed. He wished she would. "Uh...well...that's, uh...good. Yeah, that's..." She groaned and ran a hand down her face. "Shoot me now."

The corner of his mouth turned up in a smile. "It's all right, Ash."

"Yeah, I know, I'm just stupid."

Shepard frowned again, inched closer. "No, you're not. Maybe lacking a filter..." She laughed and rolled her eyes. "But not stupid. You're anything _but_ stupid."

"I have my moments. Like now, with the, uh...thing. The...single...thing..." She scratched the back of her head in embarrassment and Shepard tried not to smile. He felt like the same idiot carelessly throwing comments about his feelings around like they didn't matter. She was fidgeting now, eyes flitting around nervously and focusing anywhere but him.

He took another step towards her and caught her hand as she went to fold it behind her back again. "Are you okay?"

"Uh...yeah," she said, shaking her head slightly. She was staring at his hand. "I'm just...nervous."

"Because of me? Or because of where we're going?"

"Both," Ashley admitted. She laughed in disbelief, expertly hiding her face behind loose strands of hair. He shouldn't know that her hair only got free of its bun after she'd been worrying about something. He felt like that was invading her space. "But you've always made me nervous. That's not anything new."

"I do? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think I needed to. I mean, I'm not exactly the most eloquent person."

"No, but you're honest. That's what matters."

"Not to mention my lack of a filter."

Shepard chuckled, watching carefully as she pulled her hand away from his. He closed his fingers reflexively and dropped his fist back to his side. "That doesn't matter to me. You do."

"And you said I'm a sap." She shook her head as she looked up at him. "That was...bad. Like...really bad."

He shrugged shamelessly, unable to help the grin that spread over his face. "It worked, didn't it?"

"Definitely. Your crappy one-liners are kinda charming."

Shepard snorted. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." She glanced down at their feet, then back up at him as she stepped away. "I need to, uh...go. Virmire is still hazardous, and..."

He nodded briskly even as he backed away. "No, yeah, I get it. I should probably get some sleep."

"I need to go find a helmet to steal."

"Ash?"

"What's up?"

"Try not to do something stupid. Now, or...when we're down there."

Ashley smiled. "No promises, Skipper."


	30. Chapter 30

By the time he'd finished checking with the crew, getting into half-assed explanations about where they were going, and double checking that his hard suit was radiation-hazard cleared, Shepard didn't have time for the nap he wanted. Samara hadn't been thrilled with him either, not after he put strings on going after her daughter. She didn't want to go delving into a racist's head. She'd do it because he ordered her to, but she clearly wasn't happy with the idea.

Shepard imagined neither party was happy about it. But Ash had agreed, sort of, when he'd brought it up, and that's all he needed. Whatever they'd find on Virmire was second; if Ashley wasn't with it, this wouldn't work, and they'd have to go to their backup plan. Shepard didn't like plan A and he didn't like plan B, so he'd rather plan A worked the first time. Plan B consisted of attacking a Cerberus base just for iffy data on where their team was going. Data Miranda wasn't sure the Illusive Man would keep stored.

When he stepped into the CIC, it was a bigger mess than he ever remembered it being. Technicians were running between stations and strapping themselves into their own workplaces. Little talking. He'd been in dogfights aboard ships before, but there was something different about this. He didn't have a job like everyone else. He _gave_ the orders. He made the calls. God, he'd rather be on the _Normandy_ for the next few hours than dropping groundside to a planet that gave him nightmares. At least he could help his crew. Groundside, there wasn't much he was capable of doing to help them.

Then again, there wasn't much he could do on the ship, either. Nothing but give more orders.

The bridge was calmer, but every seat was filled. The copilot's seat was even occupied, but Shepard doubted the man there was doing much of anything except keeping tabs on Joker's systems. When Joker was flying a ship, it was _his_ ship. Shepard could respect that. Besides, Joker knew what he was doing. He wouldn't want anyone else in that pilot's seat.

"How's it coming, Joker?"

"We'll be through the relay in..." He leaned over something and groaned as he sat back. "Thirty seconds. Too soon."

"You ready?"

"You serious?" Joker scoffed. "I'm always ready. Doesn't mean I want to do it, but I'm ready, Commander."

"Good. Send word to the cargo bay, get everything prepped for a drop."

"Already done. Ash and Garrus are down there with the shuttle, flight checks I guess. Probably arguing over who's flying." _Of course they are. They argue about everything._ "Last chance, Commander. You really wanna do this?"

"It's not like we have a choice."

He sighed. "Dropping out of FTL." Shepard heard EDI relay the message over the ship's comm. The same instant, the _Normandy_ gave that usual slight jerk that came from jumping systems. As the outside world came into perspective for him, Shepard knew something was wrong.

"Scanners are clean."

"I'm not reading any signatures between us and the coordinates."

Joker looked up at him. "Think their intel was off?"

Shepard frowned. "EDI, send Williams up to the bridge and Tali down to the shuttle."

"Yes, Commander."

"Shepard?"

"Something's up, Joker," he said. "The Illusive Man wouldn't withdraw his blockade without a good reason. Not unless the Council sent a fleet, but there's nothing." He turned and marched over to the navigator's station, leaning over her shoulder. The screen was clear. "Run scanners again."

"Aye aye, sir."

"Joker, activate the stealth systems. Bring us towards Virmire, but keep the guns ready."

"Yes sir. Stealth systems are...active. We are running silent."

"EDI, scan the planet. Concentrate on the blast zone. What's down there?"

"Please standby." He waited. The AI was silent long enough that Ash had the time to join him. She'd painted over the Cerberus colors on her hard suit; it was gray and blue now, as was her borrowed helmet.

"What's up?"

"Scanners aren't picking anything up, Commander," the navigator said, twisting around in her chair to look at him.

Ashley frowned as he said, "That. You said there would be ships waiting for us. We can't find anything."

"What do you mean 'you can't find anything'? The rotation cycle hasn't hit its mark yet. There should still be ships here."

"Here, or at the planet?"

"Both," she said, stepping up beside the navigator. "Move. Let me try something."

While she got to work, EDI's hologram appeared on her terminal next to Joker. Shepard moved out of the way and stood beside the pilot, waiting for the AI's diagnosis. "Commander, scans of the surface show decreased signs of life. Most terrestrial life has moved away from the blast radius and aquatic ecosystems show evidence of severe radiation poisoning."

"That's to be expected," Shepard said. "What about Cerberus? They have anything down there?"

"I detected no structures near the cloning facility."

"Check underground," Ashley suggested. "My body was recovered from an underground storehouse. Cerberus would've run something off it, especially if there was enough Reaper tech there to twist my DNA."

"Scanning."

Shepard looked back at Ashley. "Find anything?"

"Someone was in our systems. They took down protocols for tracking and identifying 'friendly' ships. I'll have to download the software onto my omni-tool later to reapply it."

"Can you track anything manually?"

"Yeah, that's what I'm looking for now. This system is a pain in the ass to use manually, though. Probably why Cerberus installed it."

"Ash!"

"Sorry. Short range scanners are clear. Give me a second to crack the long range scanners and we'll be in business."

He nodded. "EDI. Got anything?"

"Preliminary depth scans of Virmire's surface reveal a base directly beneath the old cloning facility."

"Told you," Ashley mumbled.

"Quiet," Shepard snapped.

"Commander, the facility is several hundred feet underground. Any communications between you and the _Normandy_ would be blocked."

He frowned. "Then how do they relay information?" Shepard looked up out one of the windows as it hit him. "They have a communications satellite somewhere down there."

"I highly recommend you gain—"

"I've got something on the scanner, Shepard." He held up a hand in EDI's direction and the AI paused, waiting. "Looks like...a dreadnaught and an unmarked cruiser, some fighters."

"How many fighters?" That was Joker. He was leaning over in his chair, twisting to look at her.

"Can't tell. They're clustered around the cruiser. Whatever it's doing, it's throwing the scanners off."

"Let me see," the navigator said, motioning for Ashley to move. She wanted her station back. Ash got up and joined Shepard, purposely bumping his elbow with hers. She forced a smile and he did his best to return it. "The cruiser is emitting high levels of heat. It's... Oh my God."

"What is it?" Shepard demanded.

An alarm on Joker's end went off. "Ah, shit. Brace for evasive maneuvers!" The alarm transferred to the ship's comm and Shepard heard the collective sound of harnesses being strapped in. Plates slid over the viewing ports, just as he imagined they did on the observation decks.

"What's going on? Joker!"

"They've locked onto us, Commander."

"We have the stealth systems activated! How the hell do they know where we are?"

"It's him," Ashley said, glancing at Shepard. "Leng."

"I don't care who it is!" Joker exclaimed. "They're packing enough ordinance to blow us out of the air in one shot! Get down to the shuttle and get out of here! I'll get the _Normandy_ somewhere safe and give them something to shoot at. Just make it quick."

"Ash, let's go."

"Yes sir."

Shepard started for the door, giving the bridge crew one last look before heading for the elevator. Chambers was nowhere to be seen and everyone, save the two of them, was strapped into their work stations. He and Ash hit the elevator in a matter of seconds, beginning the descent to the cargo bay, and he said, "How do you know?"

"It's a gut feeling, Commander. The Illusive Man was still trying to access EDI's systems when we decided to come here. It makes sense he'd send Leng to wait."

"What do you know about him?"

"Everything I know, you know."

"What is he capable of?"

Ashley fixed him with a look before snapping her visor shut. "Most things I am. Stronger, faster, those sorts of things. Better reflexes. If I can do something he can't, it comes from being exposed to Sovereign while I was dead."

"Does he heal like you do?"

Ashley shook her head. "I was the cannon fodder for a reason."

Shepard nodded as he closed his own visor. "If we run into him, let us handle it."

The doors opened and they made for the shuttle, now free of its moorings, and hovering at a healthy foot off the floor. The hatch was open. Shepard climbed inside, pulling the door shut after Ashley joined him. Tali was sitting in one of the seats, safety harness in place, and Garrus was in the front, waiting.

"Didn't know you could fly, Garrus," Shepard remarked, taking the seat next to Tali.

"Basics," the turian replied. "I can't make her dance, but...y'know." He made a motion with his hand. "Only need to set us down. Ready back there?"

"Let's get this over with."

Shepard wasn't the only one that didn't want to go down there. Garrus had hated the idea when it was explained earlier, as had Tali. The four of them were the only ones with hard suits capable of withstanding the levels of radiation on Virmire, and while the _Normandy_ was equipped with five of her own, Shepard didn't want to bring strangers. He needed people who understood what happened down there. Garrus and Tali were the obvious choices.

How fitting that they were also the only other two to have been there.

* * *

"Set us down where Joker did."

Garrus looked back at him. "That's a little close, Shepard."

"Do it. We know the way to the old facility from there and Cerberus won't be expecting us to drop so close."

"Won't that irradiate the shuttle?" Tali asked.

"We'll just borrow one of theirs," Ash said. "They're bound to have them somewhere and it's not like they're going to keep their base close enough to the surface for the radiation to harm the staff."

Defending an order of his. That was a first, but he smiled anyway. No one could see it. "Same place as the first time, Garrus."

"You got it."

Shepard swallowed and looked at Ashley, but with that helmet on, he couldn't get much off her. She looked perfectly calm; he doubted she was. He couldn't see Garrus very well. He had his helmet on and the seat covered most of his back. Tali, however, she wasn't as good at guarding her emotions as Ashley was, and she was right beside him.

"How you holding up?" he asked.

"I'm...I'm fine," she said, looking up from her hands. Whenever she was nervous, she'd start fiddling with them. Wringing them together, tightening them into fists. Tali was doing it now.

"You sure?"

She shook her head. "No," she admitted. It sounded like her voice broke. "Only been back a few hours and you're already taking us to Virmire. I don't like it, Shepard."

"It'll be all right, Tali," Ashley said.

"Ash is right," Garrus said. "We get down there, let her have a panic attack, and ransack Cerberus' base. Easy stuff."

"No one gets left behind again," Shepard promised.

Ashley huffed as she stood, walking to the hatch. Garrus was slowing down and they could feel the shuttle descending. "Don't make promises you can't keep, Skipper." She killed the lights before pulling the door up and forward. Shepard sighed and shook his head, resting a reassuring hand on Tali's shoulder. A few seconds later, Ash jumped several feet to the ground, landing with a splash, and Shepard unbuckled. He followed her from the shuttle with Tali on his heels.

He looked up at the sky. Dark, cloudy. The towering walls of stone seemed...darker than he remembered. What sand he could see through the dark was gray. It was ash, burned beyond recognition. The water was murkier than it should've been; it was crystal clear their first time on Virmire.

"Not as beautiful as I remember," he said.

"I blew up," Ashley snapped. "Of course it's not." Her back was to them as she crouched in the water. He didn't know what she was doing.

Behind them, Garrus was exiting the shuttle. He closed the hatch. "Hope you guys have everything you need."

Shepard started to answer, but Ashley brushed past him roughly, storming around the other side of the shuttle. "We need to get somewhere that might trigger a flashback."

The three of them exchanged glances before drawing their weapons and following. Shepard figured she knew where she needed to go. After all, this wasn't his head they were playing with anymore. It was Ashley's. He hated it as much as she hated watching Liara join her conscious with Shepard's. When they were messing with his brain, it was to follow the Protheans. The Protheans were allies...sort of. They were as much of an ally as a dead species could be.

Messing with Ashley's head... They were playing with Reapers. And it didn't matter how far away the Reapers were; they could control anyone so long as they were indoctrinated. He was afraid they'd be able to get her too, and then there would really be no saving her.


	31. Chapter 31

They'd been on Virmire less than an hour and Shepard had already decided he hated the planet. He hated Virmire walking into this, but between the constant sloshing and the constant claps of thunder from a storm off the coastline, he hated it more. The water was getting progressively deeper as the four of them made their way closer to their destination. It had started out at his ankles, but was now up to his waist, and it didn't show any sign of evening out. They might have to swim a bit; Shepard didn't even know if Garrus or Tali could swim. Neither of them had any need to. Garrus spent most of his life on the Citadel, and he highly doubted the quarians had swimming pools on their ships.

"Virmire looked better covered in geth," Garrus commented.

"It's certainly seen better days, hasn't it?" Shepard agreed. "How you doing, Tali?"

"Good, Commander," she said. It sounded forced. Even though Tali hadn't been part of his original ground team, she had been there when he made the decision to go back for Kaidan. The entire crew had been affected by Ashley's death, all to varying degrees, but it had hit Tali particularly hard. Of all the aliens to warm up to, Ash had chosen the jumpy little quarian girl, and Tali looked up to her. Shepard had been glad to see their friendship developing, but leaving Ash to die, knowing it would crush Tali, it made him feel guilty.

This was probably harder for her than it was for him. It made him sick. He should've saved her. Everything going on, every fiber of his being, had told him to save Ashley, but he didn't. Shepard had gone back for Kaidan and betrayed every shred of trust she had for him. Well...it _should've_ destroyed her trust. Instead, when they returned to the SR-2, Ashley had been the only one to stand by his side from the very beginning. Undying loyalty. He wasn't worthy of that kind of devotion. He'd let her _die,_ for God's sake, and she still kept coming back. It bothered him to no end.

"Water's getting deep, Skipper. Think we should turn back?"

Her voice snapped him out of his thoughts. She didn't sound like she cared either way, but that was something she did when she was stressed. "No, we're almost at the first outpost. We keep moving." Ashley nodded and clicked on the light attached to her helmet, something he copied. His helmet was already recording their movements; it probably made sense to turn the light on so Virmire was visible. Even though it exposed them, Shepard was confident that Cerberus troops wouldn't be out and about without lights of their own. It was unlikely they were out in the first place due to the radiation levels, but it was always a risk.

If Ashley's feeling was right, Cerberus troops were going to be the least of their worries. He'd bet all of his credits that Leng knew the phrase to set Ash off. And having to fight her off while trying to kill Leng would probably be the hardest thing he would ever do.

In short, Shepard was worried. Worried about the _Normandy,_ which had gone silent after jumping to FTL, worried about Garrus, worried about Tali. He worried for Ashley the most, and it didn't even surprise him. He cared too much. Their mission was riding on her ability to aggravate her connection to the Reapers. She had to find something for them, and had to do it without losing her own mind to them. He was terrified, really, but he couldn't let it show.

Shepard had told Tali they were all leaving. He had every intention of following through with that statement. He wasn't losing any of them. This was his family. They were what kept him going when he didn't think he could go any further. Picked him up, brushed him off, and told him they believed in him. It meant the world to him.

Ahead, something splashed. Loudly. He held up a hand and motioned for his followers to fan out to either side of the gorge. Garrus fell in behind him while Ashley and Tali made for the opposite end. Both headlamps were clicked off as they cautiously approached the bend in the cliffs. The closer they got, the easier it became to hear what was going on. Other people were moving around. Faintly, he could hear the sound of an engine in standby.

"Patrol," Ashley radioed, confirming his suspicions. "Ten guys from what I'm seeing. They have a Hammerhead, but it doesn't look like they're using it." There was a pause and Shepard shifted his gaze from the lights ahead to her general position. He thought he could faintly see Ash and Tali crouched on a small outcropping of stone and sand, but he didn't want to assume that was them. "You got a plan, Skipper?"

He reached back and smacked Garrus' arm, doing a two fingered point in the women's direction. The turian nodded and slowly started making his way across the gorge in their direction. Shepard followed a moment later, keeping his gun pointed at the bend. It was tediously slow, and at one point, he was forced to drop to his knees to keep from being spotted.

"They've got snipers, Commander," she reported. "Tali spotted them moving on the cliff past us. It's not a patrol. They're waiting for us."

"Hang on," he ordered. "Garrus and I are on our way."

"Copy that."

Shepard looked to his right and nodded to himself. Tali's purple enviro-suit was becoming more and more visible the closer he got, but Ash seemed to be trying to cover her from sight with her own body. The gray and blue seemed to be having the desired effect.

Garrus jogged up to them and took cover behind the scattered boulders they were hiding amongst. He waved Shepard on and he turned, making a break for it. He joined the three of them a few moments later, ducking beneath one of the smaller rocks.

"You said you saw ten?" Shepard asked.

Ashley nodded. "Plus the snipers Tali pointed out. I can't count all of them. They keep shifting positions."

"And that's the only way forward," Shepard grumbled, glancing up in the direction of the Cerberus troops. He could see the front of the Hammerhead; its engines were on, but in standby mode. No one was inside. "All right, we don't have many options here. We can go in guns blazing, or we can try sneaking past. Both will probably end up with us getting shot at."

"Probably," Garrus agreed.

Ashley's omni-tool flared to life and Shepard flinched. _Fuck, that's bright._ He peeked up, but no one seemed to have noticed the burst of light. "I'm updating the navpoint, Commander."

"To what? Where?"

"Me."

"Oh, _hell_ no," Shepard exclaimed. "You are _not_ walking out there and letting them take you."

Ashley wasn't listening. She was handing her backpack to Tali. "Yes, I am."

He grabbed her arm as she went to stand and pulled her back down. "I'm not letting you go. That's an order."

"Those snipers will kill us," she said. "And if they don't, the Hammerhead will. Cerberus has orders to capture me alive, and if giving them what they want will get you past, then that's what I'm going to do."

"We're here so you can figure out a way to get us through the Omega 4 relay. Handing you over to Cerberus is a bit counterproductive," he retorted.

"Wandering around blindly in the dark isn't going to trigger anything, Shepard. I'm handling this surprisingly well. And besides, if the Collectors are working with the Reapers, we'll need Reaper tech to get through that relay. There'll be Reaper tech down there."

" _No,_ Ash." He tugged on her arm as she tried standing. "We're doing this together. We're a team."

She pulled her arm free and twisted behind Tali, sticking her handgun inside the backpack the quarian was now wearing. "I know. That's why I can't let you go out there. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made."

Shepard groaned as he looked back out. The troopers were still meandering about. They made no sign to leave, and it irritated him. "Fine. But whatever you do, be careful. It'll take us a while to catch up."

Ashley nodded. "I'll do what I can to get away once I've gotten inside of their base."

He clapped a hand on her shoulder. "We'll find you."

She squeezed his fingers before getting to her feet. "See you on the other side."

As soon as she was gone, Shepard's mouth went dry. The three of them were watching as she made her approach somewhat believable, sticking to the shadows and trying to sneak past the patrol. She didn't try to mask the sounds of her steps though. He heard her clearly.

Once Ashley was out of sight, he ordered Garrus and Tali to grab his flanks. There was a brief spurt of gunfire and someone screamed; he looked, and he saw a body in white armor floating in the still water. Red. People started shouting as someone stepped from the Hammerhead. Black hard suit, no helmet. He had shoulder-length black hair and two swords strapped to his back.

The stranger stood with his arms folded behind his back as two of his men dragged Ashley over to him. He said something to her, but Shepard couldn't read his lips at that distance. One of the troopers gave him her battle rifle and he threw it aside after examining it.

"He's not wearing protective gear," Garrus whispered.

"So either he doesn't need it, or he doesn't care," Shepard surmised.

"Knowing Cerberus, I'm going to go with both."

"Category six radiation levels." Tali shuddered. "Does Cerberus even have the technology to make someone immune to that?"

"At this point, I'm not putting much past the Illusive Man," Shepard grumbled. "How much you wanna bet that's our guy? Leng?"

"Not taking that," Garrus said.

He heard a rumbling sound and peeked back out. The Hammerhead was powering up as the leader climbed inside. His two troopers shoved Ashley in after him, then followed. Up on the wall of the gorge, two more soldiers leapt to the ground; jump packs on their backs slowed their descent to a manageable level. The Hammerhead spun before kicking to life, headed back towards the old cloning facility, while the soldiers started marching after it.

"We can follow the patrol back to their base," Shepard whispered. "Best guess is they'll have a surface entrance."

"How else would they get into their base?" Garrus asked.

"Easier to defend an underwater entrance," he retorted. "But they'd need a surface one in case of an evacuation. That's where the rest of the patrol will be headed. Come on." Cautiously, Shepard stood and made his way around their slab of stone, keeping his gun at the ready. He didn't turn his light back on.

The water he stepped into was much shallower than the stuff in the other direction. It only went up to the middle of his calves. Harder to move in quietly. He led the way to the bend in the gorge, stopping to check the dead body. The water around it was bloody; he didn't care. Shepard flipped the guy over and removed his helmet, reaching inside to pull the communicator out. After matching the frequency to his omni-tool, he tossed it aside, and patched them in.

"...was too easy," one of the soldiers said. "Can't believe Leng didn't knock her out."

"It's not our job to make the boss' decisions," another man said. "Let him do what he wants. He's the one that'll have to deal with the consequences."

"Fuck, man, I'm just glad he didn't tell her about that girl down in processing. I don't wanna be around for that shitstorm."

"Doubt he will. Illusive Man wants her on the next transport to headquarters."

"We got her all week? Fuck me."

Shepard tried not to laugh. So they'd alerted all personnel about Ash? Funny stuff, considering they didn't want anything to do with her.

"Watch the language. They record the comms."

"Yeah? Fuck that. I don't wanna be underground with the Illusive Man's pets. She's the one that detonated that bomb in the first place! What's stopping her from blowing up the labs?"

"Leng is on-site for a reason. Watch. The. Language."

"Bet Leng can't hold a finger to Commander Shepard."

"You heard the lady. She came alone."

"What moron is gonna buy that story?"

"People with power always get cocky. Arrogant bastards. Wouldn't be surprised either way to be perfectly honest."

"Just you wait. I'll give you fifty credits if Shepard shows up before we ship her off."

Shepard rolled his eyes and clicked them off, switching the channel back to the one connected to the _Normandy._ The static from earlier was gone, which was a good sign, but the frigate was still out of range. He didn't know how long it would take Joker to maneuver the ship into position, but he hoped it was soon. He wanted to send off a quick transmission that they were all right and headed into the base before anything.

Ahead, he recognized the split arch that the Cerberus troops were passing beneath. They were approaching the first checkpoint, the AA gun they'd disabled over two years ago, meaning they were making progress. The salarian camp and the facility shouldn't be much further.

Shepard kept Garrus and Tali in single file as they shadowed the Cerberus squad, pacing them from a distance. It wasn't hard to follow their suit lights and the sounds of them stomping around in the water. Shepard wasn't a quiet guy himself, but he knew when to rein in his usual headlong charges into combat. This was something that required a delicate approach. Just because the Illusive Man wanted Ashley alive didn't mean he thought Leng was above killing her to get away. The man _taunted_ him with emails; he was definitely the sort to kill a prisoner even when he had orders not to.

Garrus reached forward for Shepard's shoulder, pulling the Commander to a stop. "What is it?" he whispered. Garrus tapped the side of his helmet, the place their comms went, and Shepard clicked it back on.

"They keep bringing up someone in processing," Tali said quietly. "And talking about how they're being moved to one of the labs for trial runs."

"The fuck?" He flicked open his omni-tool and changed his frequency back to the one Cerberus was using. For the moment, it was silent, but he imagined they'd start up about this new person they were apparently talking about constantly.

"The kid with the mouth is afraid of Ash finding out about their prisoner."

You couldn't be stupid _and_ be an N7. It didn't take him much thought to figure out why the lippy guard was scared.

"It's one of her sisters," Shepard said.

"How do you know that?" Garrus asked.

"Because the Illusive Man still needs Ash, and it's not a secret that she cares about her family. How would you get someone that despises you to keep doing your dirty work?"

"This just gets better and better."

Shepard grunted. "Keep your eyes peeled. This has been too easy so far."

The two of them fell back in and he jogged to catch up with the patrol. Their chatter was less frequent than it had been when he first tapped it, but it proved his suspicions. Whoever they had, they were going to use them against Ashley. Extracting civilians, trying to trigger Reaper bullshit, and wading through a Cerberus base. Shepard wasn't sure how to go about getting through this mess. This was always a bloody stupid idea, but it was starting to take it to a whole new level.

 _Fucking Virmire. I hate this place._

Shepard made a mental note to never go through with one of Ashley's plans again. She was nuts. Then again, he was probably crazier for listening to her. He should've just toughed it out with the Illusive Man. It would've made things so much easier. No need for being wary on his own ship, no need for this goddamn planet, no need for warning his mom about Cerberus.

When he heard waves start splashing against the rocks, he pulled to a stop. The patrol had gone this way only a few minutes ago, but it was exposed if he remembered correctly. He wanted to give them enough time to get ahead. Besides, he sort of knew where they were going.

 _Sort of. Yeah, great thing to base an entire mission off of._

"Why am I in charge again?"

"Uh...your ship?" Garrus said.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, buddy."

"It's Ash's job to hold your hand, not mine."

Tali snickered, but Shepard just shook his head. "I deserved that one."

"You make it too easy, Shepard."

"Yeah, yeah, okay. Let's get moving."

Garrus snorted a laugh at the deflection, but didn't say another word. Shepard took them around at an angle, eyes honing in on the specs of light about a hundred yards in front of them. They were passing through the fork that would lead them to the old salarian camp. He could still see the geth outpost in his mind's eye.

 _Can't get off this planet fast enough._


	32. Chapter 32

The instant they left the decontamination chamber, she was slapped in heavy metal cuffs. Leng watched as she gave an experimental tug, a self-satisfied smirk creeping over his features when she realized that there wasn't any breaking those things.

"How's it feel?"

"It's nothing new if that's what you're asking."

Leng shook his head and started walking. The guard shoved her after him, and while bashing his head off the wall was a tempting idea, Ashley kept a straight face. She'd have plenty of time for that later. Right now, she had to keep Leng distracted long enough to get Shepard inside. She could do that. She could do _more_ than that, but she was underground with an entire facility full of Cerberus troops. It wasn't the time or the place for her usual reckless stupidity.

Ashley's head swivelled around as they passed another hangar. A group of scientists were the only thing that caught her eye; they were moving a large storage container down to a cargo elevator. Looking at it made her skin crawl, and she didn't even know what was inside. It didn't take much to guess, though.

The rest of the rooms they passed consisted mainly of guards and soldiers, barracks of sorts. They passed an armory at one point and Ashley made a mental note of that for later. None of the active duty guards were carrying guns (save the one that kept prodding her with the barrel of his), just batons and stun rods. She could get far with a stun rod, but not as far as she could get with a gun.

Leng stopped at a staircase to dismiss the trooper. Once he was gone, Leng led her down, took a turn, and entered what looked like a conference room. As a matter of fact, it looked exactly like the _Normandy's_ debriefing room, except larger. The table was made of the same material and in the same general shape of Cerberus' logo. It made Ashley grimace.

Behind her, she heard Leng entering something on a terminal. When he finished, he removed the cuffs on her wrists, and said, "The Illusive Man wants to speak with you."

 _Of course he does._

The door opened and she said, "Not important enough to stick around?"

Leng didn't answer and Ashley sighed, shaking her head. Pissing him off wasn't going to be one of her brighter ideas. Then again, in her experience, Ashley rarely thought anything she did was particularly bright. How she had yet to die was as big a mystery to her as it probably was to the Illusive Man.

The terminal behind her beeped. Its screen read: connection established.

Ashley took a deep breath. This was going to be a clusterfuck, but it always was when it came to Cerberus. Better to get it over and done with than drag it out. She swallowed her pride and stepped forward as the table broke into the floor. Exactly the same as it did on the _Normandy._ Whatever he was doing with this crap, it wasn't bothering her. She imagined it was supposed to be.

The room materialized in front of her rather slowly, giving her time to take every little detail in. Just like the last time, she recognized it. There was no avoiding that she'd been there before. She just couldn't remember why or when.

And like always, the Illusive Man was in his chair, smack in the center of the room. Smoking. That didn't surprise her either. His smoking irritated her to no end. He was an arrogant fuck who deserved to have a boot planted firmly up his ass. If she was the one that eventually did it, even better. She couldn't wait for the day it happened.

"Ashley Williams." She cringed. "It's been a while."

"Not nearly long enough."

He ignored the statement and tapped his cigarette into his ashtray. "You're a surprisingly easy target to capture. I find it hard to believe Commander Shepard let you leave without argument."

She shrugged and shifted her weight to one leg, crossing her arms. "Yeah, well I found it hard to believe he chose Alenko over me. But here we are. Shepard is good at disappointing people."

"You expect me to believe that?" One of her brows went up. "You forget I've heard every conversation you've had on the _Normandy._ I've seen everything you've done."

She didn't let that bother her, no matter how much it did. She swallowed again. "Despite what Shepard thinks, I _am_ capable of lying."

He shook his head. "No, not as well as you think. Let's agree to be honest with each other."

"You, honest?" Ashley snorted. "Yeah, sure, whatever. Why not?"

"Good," he said, taking a drag of his cigarette. Her skin crawled. She wanted to smack that cocky look right off his face. "So tell me something, Williams. Why do you think you're here?"

"Because I was a coward and ran from the bomb. I should've let it finish the job."

"No," he said simply. Another tap into the ashtray. She wanted to throw up. "You're here because of your supposed dislike for aliens. Had Shepard left Kaidan Alenko to die on Virmire, we still would've acquired you. Our subjects need to be somewhat receptive to Cerberus' ideals for the process to run smoothly."

"So...what? I'm alive because I've been called a racist? Hilarious." As "hilarious" as it sounded, Ashley wouldn't be surprised if that was his whole reason for bringing her back to life. Cerberus did dumber things. Weirder things. Things Ash wished she didn't know about.

"Partially."

"And what's the rest of it?"

"That doesn't matter right now. What matters is—"

"Yeah, it matters. I've spent the last two years of my life wondering what the hell I did to deserve this shit, and there's no good reason I can come up with. Not even because of my body's exposure to parts of Sovereign. You wouldn't have even known about that until I was recovered. So what's the real reason?"

"Like I said," he answered, carefully swinging one leg over the other, "you had the possibility of being sympathetic to Cerberus. We couldn't waste that."

"Sympathetic? To terrorists? When have I ever given the impression that I'd condone your organization?"

"You blame the turians for what happened to your grandfather." Ashley's eyes narrowed and she straightened. "Like a naïve child, you blame the turians. You don't look at the root of the problem, where the blame can really be laid for every single call he made."

"Yeah? And what's that?"

"Humanity is weak," he said. "Shanxi fell because the Alliance couldn't be what they promised. The Alliance seeks to put us on equal footing with the rest of the galaxy when we need to do twice as much to be recognized by the Council."

"We haven't even been here for fifty years and we already have a seat on the Council!"

"Because of one man. And men don't live forever." He shook his head. "No, I was explaining why your grandfather was to blame for Shanxi. I'm not going to even attempt to explain the rest of the problems Cerberus is righting."

"No, please. Enlighten me."

Once again, the Illusive Man ignored her. "The Alliance is weak, and because of that, humanity is weak. The Alliance doesn't train people to make the tough decisions. It's why the turians claimed Shanxi, and it's why Shepard saved the Council. It's why you're standing here, right now, wearing a Cerberus uniform."

"You don't know what it was like for him!" she snapped. "You would throw away lives just so you wouldn't have to give up ground? My grandfather did what he could!"

"I know _exactly_ what it was like. Don't tell me what you think I should know. You didn't have to sit under the command of a general who couldn't tell up from down." She bristled. "You are here, _Williams,_ because I saw promise in that idiot's granddaughter. Your purpose was to right the wrongs in Alliance command and that will continue to be your purpose until I find a better use for you, or until you die."

"You're insane!"

"And you forget who's holding the remote."

Her eyes widened. _Ah, shit._

* * *

The next thing Ashley knew, she was laying facedown on an ice cold floor. Her head throbbed and her side ached like her ribs were broken. She coughed and her lungs screamed in protest. Breathing made her chest rattle. It actually hurt, felt like real pain, and she wasn't sure if it scared her or fascinated her. Whatever it was, it wasn't good. She didn't need this shit right now.

She tried to get up, but a hand on her back stopped her. It made her skin prickle and her muscles tense. God, she never thought she'd been so sore in her entire life. Moving wasn't high on her list of things to do. Instead, Ashley consented, and just flopped back onto the floor. It was cold and she was feeling confined, sweaty. Felt nice on her cheek. It helped with the headache.

"What did they do to you?"

That voice. It was familiar. _Too_ familiar. That dull ache in her chest that rattled when she inhaled hurt more. Ashley grimaced and forced her eyes open; she couldn't put a face to the voice, or even a name to it. Familiar in a good way, lost in her half-conscious, muddled thoughts. The world was hazy and spinning, blurry, and the lights were so bright that she flinched. It made her nauseous. She had to blink several times before she could recognize her own hand.

Ashley flexed her fingers. The knuckles would be bruised on both hands, but not so badly as to keep her from pulling a trigger. She braced her hands beneath her chest and pushed, shoving herself onto her knees. A few ragged breaths later, Ashley sat upright, falling back on her hands with a groan. Throwing all her weight into her shoulders wasn't the smartest thing she'd done.

"Are you okay?"

She was still disoriented, but focusing on the roughly humanoid shape was easier than it had been. Light brown hair, thin. Clothes looked messy, but she couldn't tell. As soon as the rest of the world came into focus, Ashley's eyes went wide. Again. She flinched; it hurt her forehead. She pressed the balls of her fists into her eyes and took several shaky breaths.

"Sarah?" Ashley wanted to hit her head off the wall. Her own voice sounded dry and hoarse, like she'd sprinted several miles without anything to drink. "How did you... Why are you here?"

"I don't know. I got grabbed walking home a couple days ago. They've...been ignoring me ever since."

Ashley rubbed her eyes and shook her head. Better, but not by much. "You're okay, though?"

"I'm probably in better shape than you."

"I'll be fine in a couple hours," she said absentmindedly. "Right now, we need to get out of here." Another deep breath and she forced herself to stand, swaying at the rush of blood to her head. Sarah grabbed her by the shoulders to steady her. Ashley forced a smile. "Thanks."

And there it was, the ridiculous wave of guilt and disgust that hit her out of nowhere. Sarah looked betrayed, confused, furious, and concerned all at once.

"You're...okay? With me?"

"Hell no, but I can yell at you later. Mom's gonna explode when she finds out."

Ashley snorted and started looking over the room. "Yeah, well, I was hoping to avoid...something like this." Their cell was rather empty, save the crappy bed and the camera mounted in the corner. The bed was built into the wall and the camera was pretty high up, too high for her to reach and too high for either of them to reach with a boost.

"Something like what?" Sarah demanded.

Ashley scratched the back of her head. "This," she said lamely, gesturing to Sarah. "I didn't want to...not when...uh...I'm sorry. I really, really am."

"Three years, Ash! We thought you were _dead_! And all you can say is 'I'm sorry'?"

"What do you want me to say?"

Sarah ran her hands down her face and sighed, exasperated. "I...don't know. There's nothing you can say." Ashley sighed too, looking down at the white floor beneath her feet. Tile. Slick, good for sliding on. She was standing on a dark gray sticker, a decal really, and when she looked over the rest of it, realized it was the Cerberus logo. Her hands clenched into fists and her jaw tightened.

"I missed you."

Ashley's head snapped up and her face softened as a small, sad smile tugged at her lips. "I missed you guys too."

"Then why didn't you say something?"

"It's not that simple. I..." Her throat constricted and her eyes locked on the camera in the far corner of the room. She couldn't explain it, not when it was being recorded. "I'll...explain it when we get out of here. I promise."

"That's if we get out of here."

"We will," Ashley said forcefully. "Trust me."

"What makes you so sure?"

"I had to get here somehow," she said nonchalantly, shrugging. "And it's not like I can steal a shuttle from such a small ship."

"What are you talking about?"

Ashley went and sat on the bed. It was still made, unused. Sarah hadn't been sleeping on it. "Doesn't matter. They'll get it." She nodded at the camera. "Besides, Cerberus is too cocky for their own good."

"Cerberus?"

"Them." Ashley pointed at the logo on the floor. "Terrorists. Extremists." She drew one knee up to her chest and bounced her other foot off the wall. "Ex-Alliance." Sarah was giving her another weird look, but Ashley dismissed it. All she had to do was act weird enough that they came into the cell. She didn't even need Shepard to get them out of there, but the help would be nice. "Come here."

Sarah looked a bit reluctant, but she joined Ashley where she was sitting. It felt nice to look at her sister and not find it necessary to hurt her. It was nice to know she was okay. Captured and locked in a Cerberus prison hundreds of feet underground, but alive and healthy. That's what mattered to her. Killing Leng and anyone who tried to stop her was second. It was enough seeing Sarah safe.

"What have you been up to? Y'know, since I...died."

Sarah shrugged meekly. "Not much. I mean, I graduated, but you know that."

"Other than that."

"I got a job." She made this little motion with her hands and laughed. "I, uh, got accepted into med school."

Ashley smiled as she remembered the last _real_ time they talked. Her sister had been freaking out about it, getting accepted to a good school. Thinking about it made her head throb more, so she let the thought go, but it was nice, remembering it.

"I told you you would."

"Yeah."

Ashley let the silence lapse after that. Her mouth was still dry and closing her eyes felt good, felt right. She was so tired and so sore, and all she wanted to do was sleep, but Sarah was there. That gave Leng something to use against her, someone to hurt, and Ashley wasn't about to let the man walk in and hurt her sister. She didn't let herself relax.

"The rumors. Are they true?"

"What rumors?"

"The ones about Shepard," Sarah said. "That he's alive."

"Yeah. He's alive and kicking. Why?"

Sarah swallowed and fell back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. "Is it bad that I was happy when I heard the Alliance declared him dead?"

Ashley sighed. "No. It's human."

"Mom spent three hours crying over him. I didn't get it. He got you killed. I still don't get it."

"Shepard's...one of a kind. Make you feel things you probably shouldn't be feeling, whether you know him or not."

"Are you still serving on his ship?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

"Why?"

"Because it's the right thing to do. And there are human colonies that are vanishing. He's trying to stop the people responsible."

"But he let you die."

"Yeah."

"And you still trust him?"

"Yeah."

Sarah laughed once, quietly. "You always were the dumbest of us."

Ashley scoffed, but she still smiled. "Joined the Alliance right outta high school for a reason."

"That's not what I meant."

Ashley frowned. "Then tell me."

Sarah rolled her eyes and shook her head. "You have a horrible taste in men."

"In my defense, I wasn't the one who said he was cute right as he walked up behind me."

She bolted upright. "No!"

Ashley smirked. "Talking myself out of that one wasn't easy."

"Smooth, sis."

"Yeah, well..." She shrugged. "At least I know he'll get us out of here." She hoped.


	33. Chapter 33

Sleeping wasn't high on her list of things to do, but Ashley ended up dozing for a while. Sarah was within arm's reach and no one was coming through that door without her noticing, so it was as good a time as any to get some rest. Unfortunately for her, Sarah seemed content to let her sleep, and listening to their breathing wasn't enough to block out the voices in the back of her mind. Ashley tried to make out what they were saying, but they were so faint that hearing them at all was surprising. She wasn't sure what compelled her to listen to them; she recognized it and knew exactly what it was, but there wasn't much she could do to anyone down here that she didn't see any harm in it. Besides, it wasn't like they wanted her to do anything in thr first place. No weird urges came with listening, just peace. Soothing. Relaxing.

She forgot what they were. She forgot why she always needed sound. She forgot why she blocked them out when it was too quiet, and forgot the world as it fell apart around her. There it was, the welcoming release it promised. Colors floated behind her eyelids and she saw so much, too much. Collectors, Protheans, relays being built and destroyed, entire planets burning.

"Ash!"

Her eyes snapped open and she leapt to her feet. The edges of her vision were tinged red. It looked like blood was seeping down the walls as the rest of the room shifted to match. Red. So much red. She could still hear them, the voices, but they were subdued now, almost...scared.

Ashley took a deep, shuddering breath. Her lungs didn't rattle this time. _Fuck my life._ She blocked the whispering out, or tried to. There was no ignoring them now, the Reapers. Or maybe she never ignored them and just forgot she paid attention, but how does someone forget watching the entire galaxy collapse?

She ran a hand down her face as Sarah called her name again. "What?"

"Power's out," she whispered.

Ash blinked, looked around. She couldn't tell, not with everything as red as it was. She could see perfectly fine. But if Sarah said the power was out, Ashley would take her word for it. "Maybe we can get that door open."

"I doubt it," Sarah said. Ashley didn't care; she walked over to it, ran her hands along the frame. "It's six inches thick. You're not going to—"

Her fingers caught on the hinges and she pulled. It came off without much fuss, as did the other. When the door didn't move, she pushed. It gave and fell to the floor out in the hallway. Ashley poked her head out, looking down both ends, and caught sight of a guard. He was carrying a baton in one hand and a flashlight in the other, had a hard suit on, but no helmet.

Ashley leaned back around, bracing herself against the wall. Sarah was on her feet now, mouth agape, as she stared at the opening in the wall. Without the lock engaged, breaking past an old door like this was easy.

The guard stopped running just outside the doorway. He shined his flashlight inside, but as soon as he spotted Sarah, Ashley grabbed him. He swung at her with the baton; it hit her hard suit and bounced off harmlessly. She didn't give him the chance to think that through, but instead buried her foot in his knee. There was a satisfying crunch as the bone gave and he started to scream. She clamped a hand over his mouth, jerked, and let him fall to the floor in a heap.

Ashley took his flashlight and tossed it to Sarah. She caught it, but she didn't look...right. Something about her expression was off as she stared at the body. "You...you killed him."

She rolled him onto his back, rummaging around in the small equipment pack attached to his waist. Keycard. With a triumphant grin, Ash stuck it in the empty ammo pack on her hip, took his baton, and got to her feet.

Sarah slowly made her way to the door, shining the light on the guard's face. He looked peaceful, save the horror stuck in his eyes. "I can't believe... Why did you do that?"

"Because these people won't hesitate to kill us, and they don't deserve any special treatment."

"How can you say that?! He was a human being!"

"Sarah, you have to trust me, okay? When I say these people deserve everything they get, I mean it. They torture people, children even, and kill innocents to make their point. If they could somehow pin it on another race, these people would blow up the Citadel. All right? They're not doing anything good for humanity, let alone the rest of the galaxy."

She shook her head. "Fine. Who do you think cut the power?"

Ashley stepped out into the hallway once that was settled. Everything was becoming darker as the red faded back to its natural color, but she could still make out everything necessary to keep herself from falling on her face. "It was either Shepard, or someone trying to make it harder for him to get around. Maybe a mix of both."

 _Or Leng is up to something._

She didn't say that out loud. Ash beckoned Sarah after her and started down the hallway, keeping her back pressed to one side. Sarah kept the flashlight pointed ahead and that was all Ashley could ask for. She might know how to defend herself, but that didn't mean Ashley was about to ask her to take point. As far as she was concerned, Sarah was still a kid. There was no way in hell she was going to ask her to fight these idiots.

"When they brought you down here, did you see _anyone_ with a gun? An armory, maybe?"

Ashley looked back, but Sarah was shaking her head. "I-I don't know. I can't remember. I'm sorry."

"That's all right. We can find one or I can get one off Shepard." She tried for an encouraging smile, but it felt like it came off as a grimace. Sarah was staring at the floor like she was disappointed with herself and shook her head. "Hey, it's okay. It's fine. We'll get out of here."

"Can you promise me that?"

Ashley nodded, keeping her face tactfully blank. "Yeah, I promise. We're getting out of here."

Sarah laughed once. "You're such a bad liar."

"Hey, you asked." She jerked her head. "Come on." She led Sarah further down the hallway, stopping at random intervals to listen for anyone following them. Not once did she hear or see anything suspicious, so they kept going, and Ashley allowed her mind to wander. They needed something, anything, to get through that relay, and while Ashley wanted nothing more than to get Sarah out of there, she _couldn't_ let this be a flop. Not after having the shit beat out of her, not after whatever that was earlier, the thing with the Reapers. Especially not after the Illusive Man practically told her who he was.

 _He was on Shanxi._

The Alliance could do something with that information. That alone could be a major win for them and make this worth it, but Ashley felt like she was obligated to find a way to get through the Omega 4 relay. It was the whole reason they came here in the first place, and she refused to make it all for nothing.

"...is clear, sir. We're moving onto the cellblock now."

Ashley stopped and lowered herself into a crouch as Sarah fumbled to kill the flashlight. "Stay here," she whispered. That said, she stood and inched along the wall, headed for the sound of the voices as they swapped orders. It took a moment for them to start shining their lights through the intersection, but once they did, it gave her a better grasp of her proximity to their group.

"All right, sweep and clear. Shoot to kill."

 _Great, they have guns and I'm carrying this piece of plastic._

She pulled it out to its full length, waited a beat, and whipped it across the intersection, all the way down to the other end of the hallway. It clattered off the walls and floor, and the lights simultaneously turned to face in the opposite direction.

"What was that?"

"Keep your eyes peeled."

Ashley's muscles tensed as they started spreading out. Right at the corner, back just enough that she wouldn't be seen until it was too late.

The first trooper whipped around the corner. He did it exactly like he was trained to and that's what ended up getting him killed. Ashley reached up and grabbed his rifle, shoving it up into his face. As he staggered back, she pulled it from his hands and fired a shot into his helmet, forehead level. The rest of his team quickly followed, too small and confused to do much against someone with shields. What she didn't get was why Cerberus didn't give all of their troopers shields. They'd last longer.

Sarah flicked on her flashlight and Ashley waved her up as she nudged the bodies with her foot. Dead. All four of them, quickly and painlessly.

"Oh my God."

"They have orders to kill us on sight," Ashley said, crouching by one of the soldiers. She pulled off his helmet and removed the communicator. As soon as she clicked it on, a voice came over, demanding answers to the situation. It was Kai Leng. "Hey asshole."

He paused, but not for long. "I told the Illusive Man we should've killed you."

"Yeah, too bad for your guards."

"You always were too much trouble than you were worth."

"I'm not the one hiding," she snapped.

"I'm going to enjoy killing you."

"Better come fast. The bodies are starting to pile up."

Ashley threw it aside, ransacked the bodies for heat sinks, and waved Sarah after her. They turned down the branch that the squad came from. She didn't know how far down they were, but Ashley figured that, one way or another, they'd find their way to some sort of communication room. Most facilities had them on every level for various reasons—labs would have them for extranet access, cellblocks for contacting the guards, barracks for relaying orders. Once they found one, Ash could steal a long-range transmitter and, hopefully, contact Shepard or the _Normandy._ If the ship was in range, EDI might be able to help them.

"Keep an eye out for rooms with communication tech. I need to reach Shepard, all right?"

"Yeah, just give me a heads-up next time you're going to shoot someone."

"No promises." Ashley glanced over her shoulder. "Stay on my left. Make sure you're always against the wall."

"Why?"

"So I don't have to keep track of you. If we get shot at, they'll aim for me and I have shields. You don't." Sarah wordlessly moved to the left, pressing her shoulder into the wall, and Ashley nodded to herself.

At the other end of the hall, the light on the barrel of her gun ran over a window into a room. She swept it over the ceiling, across the floor, and over the opposite wall before smirking. Cells don't have windows. They were making progress. She reached back for Sarah's arm and started inching her way to the other side of the hallway, keeping her sister at the exact same distance she'd been on the opposite end.

Once they reached the window, she shut off her light and motioned for Sarah to stay put. Lowering herself beneath the frame, Ashley carefully made her way around the room and to the corner. Seeing was difficult without that reddish haze or her light, but she made do with what she had and checked that the new corridor was empty before turning. A faint green flow was coming from the locks on the doors all the way down to a staircase; it was enough to base her assumption off of.

The window wrapped around the bend and stopped a few inches from the door, so she stuck to her crouch as she hit the release. She counted to three before spinning into the room and onto her feet. The light came back on and she ran over everything in the room—lab. Machines and computers, equipment, sat out on the counters and the island. One of the sinks was still running.

 _Probably evacuated once the power went out._

Ashley leaned around a desk and knocked on the window, waving Sarah inside. She went and shut the water off, sighing, and looked back at Sarah as she stood in the doorway. "I don't like this."

"Me neither," Ash agreed. She set the rifle down, leaned against the table. "How long before you woke me up did the power go out?"

Sarah shrugged, shook her head. "I don't know. Ten minutes? You...you wouldn't move. I thought you... I don't know."

"That's not enough time to evacuate an entire floor, send in teams, anything. It's not enough time to do anything."

"Maybe...they were evacuated before the power went out?" Sarah suggested. "Part of a plan?"

"Good thinking."

"Do you think they have radios in here?"

Ashley shook her head. "Nothing I could use to contact anyone. Radios to other labs and other floors, maybe, but not what I'm looking for. We might be able to—"

Out in the hallway, she heard feet pounding down the stairs. A lot of feet. Too many. Her hand locked around the grip of the gun and she pushed Sarah under one of the tables, crouching down beside her. She could see their lights shining down the corridor.

"Stay here," she said. "No matter what happens, _stay here._ Don't move, don't make a sound, and don't come out unless I come get you, okay?"

Sarah nodded as she shut off her flashlight. "You're coming back, right?"

"I always do." She looked up; she could hear their voices. Leng was with them and they were looking for her. "Stay here."

Ashley took the next nod as a promise and leapt to her feet. Still had a ways to go before they reached the room the two of them were hiding in. Perfect time for her to jump out and blast a couple of them. That's exactly what she did, or tried to do, anyway. She'd barely gotten a shot off before a biotic threw up a barrier between them and her bullets.

 _Goddammit._

Running seemed like the best course of action. She could hole up and take cover somewhere else after she drew them off. There was no way in hell she was letting them, any of them, get near Sarah.

She turned and bolted, throwing the assault rifle onto the clip on her back. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw Leng ordering most of them to turn past the lab and back the way she'd come while he chased her down the main corridor. It didn't matter that she was going to get caught. What mattered was getting them away from her sister, and as far as she knew, she'd done exactly that.


	34. Chapter 34

There was so much blood. It covered the floors, the walls.

No, it wasn't blood. It was that stain, that freakish haze that took over when she listened. But she didn't remember listening. Not after that last time. It wasn't right. It had gone away, hadn't it? Someone had talked her down, pulled her back to reality. Why was it here now?

She couldn't think. It hurt to even try. There was too much individuality in coherent thought. It had no place in the mind of a single organism. Too much individuality led to creativity and a desire to build, to advance. That was dangerous. It would lead organics to the point of no return, the time when the galaxy would need to be cleansed. That was now, wasn't it? They'd done it again. They always did, they always learned, they never stopped. They had to be stopped. That was their job, their purpose.

Purpose. She'd had a purpose once, hadn't she? No, too individualistic. There was never a "her," just a them and an us. She'd been one of them and was part of us. No individual, just existing. Something about it felt wrong, but right. The part of her that believed in a single being wanted to look past the haze to what was really there, the people and the faces, to see them for what they were. It firmly believed in how wrong the sense of unity was. And the other part saw the merit, the utter completion, in the one force encompassing an army of massive scope. There was no individual person or thing in that army. There just was.

The entity reeled at the thought. It wasn't right. Something about it was wrong. There was no _feeling_ that it was wrong. Like them, the "us," it just _was._ The individual was afraid of it and yet embraced it. It would end the pain thinking about everything was causing, but it would kill what was left of that thing, the being. And then, when the organics were finished, they would leave to wait in dormancy somewhere calm and...safe?

But that individual thing had a reason for fighting, didn't it? Because it was human, because it cared about other organics too much, because it didn't want to lose that feeling of being alive. What was the point of something's existence if it never knew what it was like to truly live?

Too much living led to individuality. Dangerous.

So much happened in such a short amount of time. A promise, perhaps? The last cycle, things that called themselves Protheans. They'd accomplished much in their allotted time, even tried to end the cycles. But it all came down to time, and at the end of it all, the Protheans had none. Their failed attempts to survive, battles and sieges, wars, dead children and parents, so much death. But success was once again given to the "us" group. It was all there, every bloody second of an age-long war that already had an outcome set in stone. All the fighting, suffering, even the change, the transformation that made the Protheans into "us" slaves.

The cycle ended and a new one began. The turian thing called Saren fell into "us." It tried to open the relay with Sovereign and allow it to begin again. A human stopped it. Sovereign fell to the human fleets. Now that same human was fighting the slaves. It called itself Shepard. One encounter as it showed organics weren't as weak as they'd been in the past. A new...thing, the individual resisting "us." Smelled like us, looked like us, killed us. Refused Harbinger's offer, needed to die or to join. If it fought once, then it had a reason. The reason was better than the offer, so it had to be better now.

 _I. Me. Her. She. Organic. Human. One person. Alive._

She struggled. A name, she had one. Ashley. Ashley something. It was still there.

And it was gone again, just like that.

"What are you?"

"A weapon."

"And what do weapons do?"

"Kill."

"Demonstrate."

She drew her gun, held out her arm. A face stared back at her, eyes wide in concern, as she pulled the trigger. A bullet tore through the flesh, but she didn't bat an eyelid. No pain, like it was never there and never happened. Blood rolled down her arm.

A hand touched her shoulder. She didn't look. She didn't need to, had no urge to, because why did it matter? He was an ally, a friend. They worked together.

He crouched next to the face. She knew that face as it stared at her. Gray eyes, closely cropped dark hair, faint but angry cybernetic scars. She had that face memorized because it mattered to her. It had been the one she was trained to hate, but when she looked, there wasn't any hate. Whatever she felt, it made her want to smile. It was caring and affectionate and loving.

"You see, Commander, there are just some people you can't save."

Her thoughts raced over the last few seconds, back to what sucked her out of both shitty situations. The desire to retain her humanity pulled her from the Reapers, but it had been Leng that had pushed her that far. He'd threatened her sister, Sarah. Held a gun to her head. He used that damn phrase, that _stupid_ passcode, to stop her from attacking him, but it wasn't her that he'd stopped. Her body responded to the command; her mind didn't. The singing had been so unbearably loud she wasn't sure how she fought it.

Unfortunately for her, that hadn't been enough. Cerberus had been right there waiting, and it was Shepard who pulled her back. Shepard with that stupid face she didn't want to admit to loving.

 _Goddammit!_

Leng stood. "Kill them."

Ashley's eyes flicked over the three of them, kneeling. Shepard, Garrus, Tali. Shepard looked like he had the shit kicked out of him, but he usually did. Probably her fault.

"I said _kill them._ "

"How did Jacob know you weren't going to shoot him?" Shepard asked. There was an underlying hint of sarcasm to his voice, and Ashley had to bite her tongue to keep from smirking. "Hesitation?"

"Something like that."

Guard by the door. She went to shoot him instead, but Leng smacked the sidearm from her hand. She lost sight of it when he threw her to the floor. Her head hit a railing somewhere between there and here, but it wasn't enough to stop her from watching the idiot as he headed for the door. Shepard had gotten his hands on her gun and had taken cover behind server towers. Garrus had Tali hidden similarly across the room.

 _Servers. I can—_

Bullets splattered the glass behind her and the floor in front of her, and she scrambled to throw herself over the railing. The air in her lungs got stuck in her throat as she sagged against the wall, squeezing her eyes shut in shock. She didn't even have time to collect her thoughts before shit hit the fan again, but down here, at least Shepard was keeping the guards back. The gunfire didn't exactly make it easy to think, but she had to. Something happened to set her off when she split up with Sarah. Leng had held a gun to her head, but Cerberus troops led her off to be evacuated with him; it wasn't that, not entirely. She could remember it too clearly.

No, she'd run into a lab that had been running experiments on Reaper chunks. Ashley hadn't even seen it until Leng marched her back out into the corridor. And at some point, he had to have said that phrase. That was when she'd lost awareness of her surroundings, when it had become the singing and only the singing.

That bastard almost cost her _everything._

"Ashley!"

Her head fell back against the landing. "I'm down here."

Shepard appeared over the railing a moment later. "You good? How's your arm?"

"My what?" She looked down to see a bullet wound and a clean hole through her arm. It was bleeding profusely, but she couldn't feel it. "You couldn't have stopped me before I shot myself?"

A grin cracked his features and he spread his hands apologetically. "Sorry, Ash. That's all on you."

"Yeah, yeah."

"You coming?"

"Yeah," she repeated, forcing herself to her feet. Blood rolled off her hard suit in rivulets and she shook it off, jogging up the steps to meet the rest of them. Tali returned her backpack. The first thing Ashley did was grab her medigel and rub it over both sides of her arm. Once she was satisfied that she wouldn't be bleeding out anytime soon, she put the medigel away and grabbed her pistol, checking that it was still loaded before throwing the backpack over her shoulders.

"We need to catch Leng," Shepard said.

Ashley shook her head. "We need to find my sister."

His mouth opened, closed, and opened again when he frowned. "You know about that?"

"He held a gun to Sarah's head before..." She waved a hand. "Before this, I guess. I don't know. But I have to find her."

"Safest bet is she's with him," Garrus said.

Shepard nodded his agreement. "Yeah, the Illusive Man isn't happy with his little detour here." One of Ashley's brows went up. "What? I don't need you around to hack things for me. I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself."

"That's a shock. Didn't you always have Scuttlebutt do it?"

"That was before I figured out how to make my omni-tool do it."

She snorted. "Yeah, definitely."

"Anyway," he said, "did you figure anything out while you were down here? Get us a way through the relay, maybe?"

"I...don't know." Ashley frowned. She'd seen plenty of things, but there was so much that sifting through all of it would be hard. "They have Reaper tech down here, but...I don't think it's what we need to get to the Collectors."

"But you know what can get us there?" He sounded hopeful and he looked less...angry. She hated to say no, but that's what she did. Shepard groaned and ran a hand down his face, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"When we get back to the ship, I might be able to," she added. "I saw...uh...well..." She scratched the back of her head. "This is going to be a surprise, but...the Collectors are Protheans."

" _What?_ " That was Tali. "But the Protheans are gone! The Reapers wiped them out!"

"Yeah, funny story. That's not what the Reapers are doing." Shepard was giving her his "spit it the fuck out now" look. It was a lot more intimidating since the recent addition of those cybernetic scars. "The Reapers lose forces each cycle and they need a way to replenish them, quietly and effectively. So...they make more Reapers. With us. Dead organics." She frowned. "Harvested organics. They use our technology to make another Reaper each cycle."

"So you can pull that out of your ass, but not what we needed?"

Ashley held up a hand. "I was getting there, but you made me explain the Collector-Prothean thing."

"Liara's going to freak out," Garrus mumbled.

Both of them gave him a look, but he didn't seem to care. "As I was saying, I saw the last cycle, okay? Protheans being killed, harvested, whatever, and I saw the Reapers as they...upgraded the tech the Protheans had. At that point they were already Collectors, so it doesn't really matter, but—"

"Ash!"

"Sorry! I watched the Collectors bounce through the Omega 4 relay the first time, all right? They-they needed Reaper tech to get through without getting wasted by debris and God knows what else, but the _Normandy_ as she is now might be able to make the leap without it."

"So we could get through now?"

"No! No no no no no, that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying we won't need Reaper upgrades to the ship's design to get through. If we don't want them to fry us as soon as we make the jump, we're going to..." Her eyes widened. That was so stupid simple that she wasn't sure how she missed it.

"Going to...?" Shepard fished.

"We're gonna need an IFF."

"A _Reaper_...IFF?"

She nodded. "They scan the signal as it comes through the relay. If it isn't painted friendly, they shoot the ship down on sight. But if we can get our hands on one of their IFFs, we'll be able to make it through before the Collectors realize we're not one of them."

Shepard nodded too, but she could see the doubt written over his features. "That's great, makes perfect sense. Now all we need is a Reaper. I don't suppose you can pull _that_ outta your head too?"

"Uh..."

"Didn't think so."

Ashley grinned. "Actually, I might be able to." Faintly, ever so faintly, she remembered the Illusive Man talking about sniffing around a star system with a supposed derelict Reaper ship. Cerberus was going to use it to get more tech and to try replicating her special case with other bodies of people loyal to the organization. She didn't know why she was there for that conversation, or maybe she did and just didn't want to remember, but either way, it was there, and they'd confirmed the existence of the ship.

"You're joking."

She shook her head. "Nope. I'll explain once we're on the _Normandy,_ but right now, I'm going to find Sarah before Leng gets off-planet with her."

Shepard rested a hand on her shoulder. "Good work. Now let's get the hell off this planet before something else blows up."


	35. Chapter 35

With Ash and Garrus drawing most of the gunfire, it gave Shepard the chance to reload and check his jaw. Earlier, when Kai Leng had captured the three of them, he'd taken the butt of a rifle to his face and left him with a painful throb coursing through his teeth. Thankfully enough, his jaw wasn't dislocated, but it hurt like hell, and he could feel the swelling as he prodded. It would bruise and he'd need to put ice on it when they got back to the ship.

Shepard flexed his jaw, brows furrowing at the ache in his mouth. It felt worse than a fist to the face. He dropped his hand back down to his shotgun, shook his head, and got back up, blasting one of the Cerberus troopers in the chest. It ripped through his shields and allowed the Commander to drop him relatively easily. A spray of bullets bounced off the wall he was ducked behind and he cursed, returning fire with a shot meant to do nothing more than scare the soldiers.

There was a break in the gunfire. He threw his shotgun into its holster, took a deep breath, and whipped around the corner. His fist crackled with energy as he took a running leap, slamming his hand into the floor as the field exploded around him. His hard suit alarm went off as Shepard discharged his barrier on the blast, but it didn't matter. He threw the last of the guards around with enough force to kill, and those who didn't die on impact quickly found a bullet in their brain.

"We need to keep moving," Ashley said.

Shepard huffed as his body protested his movement. "We're getting there, Ash. Calm down."

"Leng has my sister!" she exclaimed. "How am I supposed to calm down?"

"And we'll get her, but you can't go running off and getting hurt. That won't do anyone any good if we have to carry your ass out of here."

She groaned and ran her hands down her face. "I know, I know. It's just..."

"Frustrating?"

"Yeah. Frustrating."

Shepard nodded, rolled his shoulders. "We'll get her back, Ash. Right now, let's worry about getting up to the hangar and take it one step at a time." He watched carefully as she bristled, taking one of the ownerless assault rifles from the floor, and made sure she knew he had eyes on her. He didn't trust Cerberus, and while she claimed she'd shaken off their version of indoctrination, Shepard didn't fully believe her. He wouldn't put it past Cerberus to throw away their men in an attempt to shoot him in the back with someone he trusted. Take him out, and all their competition to the Collectors was gone.

Once they'd finished scouring the corpses for anything small and useful, the four of them returned to their usual form, adapted to fit the extra team member Shepard usually left on the ship. He and Ash took point, grabbing opposite sides of the corridor, while Garrus and Tali provided their cover respectively. Ashley might be just fine with Garrus, but Shepard wasn't going to risk it. She wouldn't shoot Tali, Cerberus-controlled or not, but Garrus was another story altogether. Besides, Shepard had a shotgun and Garrus had his assault rifle; Tali had her own shotgun and Ash had her own assault rifle. It filled out nicely.

"All right, Ash. You been in any underground labs before?"

She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye as they advanced. "This one is pretty standard if that's what you're asking. Can't say I've been in one of their prisons before, though."

"You know where we're headed?"

"Roughly. Not all facilities are designed the exact same way, but the layout is similar enough that getting to the shuttles won't be hard."

"How far down are we?" Shepard asked.

"Tenth level at the most," she said. "Servers and storages are put in the center levels for easy access by all departments. The lowest level has to wait as long as the highest, and so on. That being said, most of the classified research will be held lower than anything unimportant. Secret shafts give the scientists time to evacuate while the rest of the base is under attack, but where they are varies in each facility."

"So if I asked you to get us up there any faster...?"

"I probably couldn't, no, but I could tell you that the researchers and tech crews are still on-site. The base is on lockdown, not under evacuation orders. Any further up, and we'll most likely get shot at by civilians."

Shepard grunted. "Ah, well...no one working for Cerberus counts as a civilian in my book. They all deserve a bullet to the brain."

"That's a little...harsh, Commander," Tali said.

"But true," Ashley grumbled.

"Didn't you offer me a grenade when you first got on the ship? To kill Cerberus techs?" Shepard asked, eyes never once leaving the corridor ahead.

"Yes, but—"

"But nothing. They all knew what they were getting into. I'd place a bullet right between the eyes of any Cerberus official on this station."

Tali went silent and Garrus kept his opinions to himself as they followed Ashley's directions through the facility. It went smoothly, for the most part, with her subtle hand directions and their own quick, clean sweep-and-clear tactics. Shepard and Ashley came from a military background and none of what they did was anything new, and Garrus had his C-Sec experience. Tali had spent enough time with the rest of them to know what was going on ans exactly how to execute each formation, and Shepard was satisfied with how well they worked together. Granted, he wasn't sure of Ashley tagging along, but it wasn't like he had much choice. It was either keep her in sight, or let her run off and do something stupid like she usually did. At least this way he knew when she was and was not being shot at.

"Elevator shaft ahead," she whispered. "Stairs too. Elevator is going to be on lockdown and the stairs will have traps under the tiles." They rounded a corner and sure enough, there was an elevator and a staircase. He imagined the elevator was solely for transportation of materials. "It's your call, Commander."

"You got maintenance ladders in those shafts?" She nodded. "Then get those doors open. We'll cover you."

"Yes sir."

Shepard flicked a hand down the hallway. "Move out." He got to his feet and led Garrus along while Ashley and Tali paralleled them from the other side. If he was being perfectly honest with himself, Shepard half expected a proximity mine to go off at some point. The fact that Cerberus trapped their steps made sense, but leaving the corridors and such trap-free? It rubbed him the wrong way.

He took a position by the elevator doors, bracing his back against the wall while Ash pried them open. Garrus and Tali both dropped into crouches and watched either end of the staircase. It took a few seconds, but once the doors were open, Shepard whipped around and aimed the flashlight attached to his gun down. Clear. Ashley was looking up, but since she didn't say anything, he assumed it was clear on her end as well.

They exchanged glances and he said, "Ladies first."

She snorted and mumbled something about him being a chicken shit before shouldering her rifle. Ashley reached around the entryway and grabbed the ladder, then started hauling herself up the shaft. Once she'd gone several yards, Shepard waved on Tali, and then Garrus. He waited before making his climb for Garrus to tell him Ashley was inside, but it took a while. They were down on the tenth level and if he recalled, she'd said something about hating heights when he was playing chicken with that Spectre, Tela Vasir. That was quite a way to go, and while he wasn't afraid of heights, Shepard had to admit the idea of climbing up there with possible bombs waiting for them didn't make the idea very thrilling.

His radio crackled. "Lotta guards up here, Commander. It's not looking very pretty." He went to reply, but Ashley interrupted. "I've got eyes on Leng. Shuttle's being prepped for departure. We can steal that thing and get back to the _Normandy._ "

"Stay put," Shepard ordered. "Remember what I always tell you? Don't do anything stupid."

"Yeah, well, we've all seen how that works out in the end," Garrus quipped. Shepard glanced up into the elevator shaft and saw him about halfway up, hauling himself along rather easily. "If it's not stupid, Ash isn't involved."

"Easy for you to say, bird brain."

"Racist!" Garrus said, faking a wounded tone to his voice.

"Just stating the obvious."

"Cut the chatter. How many guards are you seeing?"

The radio was silent for a minute and Shepard put his shotgun on the small of his back. Once it was secured, he turned the corner and hit the lock on the maintenance panel, then began to climb. Ashley's answer came when he'd gone about five rungs, saying, "Fifteen, maybe sixteen? Way too many to handle."

He grunted. "Any sign of Sarah?"

"Nope. I'm assuming she's on the shuttle already. Leng keeps bouncing between it and the control room."

"All right. Hold the doors; I'm on my way."

"Roger that."

There was no way in hell Shepard expected to find Ashley with Garrus and Tali when he got up there. For her to listen to his orders, hell would've had to freeze over. She only listened when it was convenient for her, and despite everything about her that he liked, it annoyed him to no end. That was always the surefire way to piss him off—ignore his explicit orders. He was the commanding officer and it was harder than it should be to get Ashley to listen.

Above him, Shepard saw light entering the shaft, and let out a sigh of relief. The hangar had power. Thank God they wouldn't be fighting in the dark. That would only make it harder to keep their corners clear.

The climbing was annoyingly tedious; the rungs were designed for civilian comfort, not military rigor. Shepard was used to well-spaced rungs, not the little things clustered together for the short guys, and he definitely preferred the spaced ladders used by the Alliance. That being said, it still didn't take him that long to reach the doors. He pulled himself into the hangar and dropped into a crouch as he slunk up beside Garrus, who was crouched behind a shipping crate. Plenty of cover.

Surprisingly enough, Ashley had done as she was told, and was waiting with Tali across from them. She had a better view past the shuttle while still keeping herself concealed, and for a half a second, Shepard was jealous she picked the better spot.

"You got a plan?" Garrus asked.

Shepard looked over his shoulder back at the turian and shook his head. "Not really, no. I can't see much from here."

Garrus made a sound, a cross between a sigh and a groan, and pulled his assault rifle off his back. "Another long day?"

"Everyday is a long day," Shepard grumbled. He poked his head around the corner of the crate and took stock of the situation, eyes narrowed as he watched the troopers run their rounds. A group of them was clustered around the shuttle and the rest were meandering around the equipment Shepard and his team were concealed in. It wouldn't be long before one glanced their way and saw the elevator doors open. They had to move fast, keep the element of surprise.

He leaned back around the corner, inhaled deeply. "Ash, can you get the blast doors open?" She nodded. "All right, then you and I are going to loop around to the control room. Garrus, Tali, do whatever you can to keep the guards off our asses. Your priority is getting to the shuttle and getting it ready to depart. Have EDI lock onto you once you're inside and get the _Normandy_ ready for a pickup. I _will_ cover you. Everybody got it? Good. Then let's get it done and get the hell off this damn planet."

Shepard couldn't fault Ashley if she got what they needed; he'd agreed to this and he made the calls to get them here, but he still hated Virmire with a passion. Too much geth, too much Saren, too much Sovereign, too many dead people. Now it was infested by Cerberus research teams and covered in radioactive material. He'd have to put this in his list of crappiest missions he'd ever been part of.

Ashley led him around their crates and towards the far wall, sticking to a crouch. He followed suit, holding his sidearm firmly in his hand as they went. Now that he didn't have so many things blocking his view of the hangar, Shepard could see the control room and the assassin Cerberus was using. Leng was in there with the manager very briefly; he said something before marching back towards the shuttle. Shepard looked, but Garrus and Tali were nowhere to be seen.

They inched along, creeping ever closer to the wall, until they finally reached their destination. Ashley stood and pressed herself to the metal, much in the same way Shepard did. The overhead lights didn't quite reach them, which was perfect for quickly running the last few yards to the door they needed. After crouching again and slinking carefully beneath the window, they were in.

"Step away from the console." The guy went wide eyed and Shepard levelled his pistol at his chest. He wasn't wearing any armor, but instead a researcher's uniform. Shepard doubted he'd pull a gun on them. " _Now._ " His hands went up and he did as he was told, giving Ash the opportunity to take his place. She went to work immediately, leaving Shepard to deal with their new prisoner. He flipped his pistol around and hit the man in the temple with its grip, giving a satisfied nod as he collapsed, unconscious.

"Thought you didn't care who we shot," Ashley said. She wasn't looking at him.

Shepard shrugged as he swapped the sidearm for his assault rifle. "Shooting him would've blown our cover."

"Mmm-hmm." She didn't believe him. He hated it when she did that.

"Just get the doors open."

"I'm doing what I can. The base is on lockdown. I can't just put in generic bypass codes; I need command codes, and those are unique for each damn facility."

"Can you do it?"

"I already told you I could. It'll just take a few minutes."

He started to say something, but as soon as the first word left his mouth, a curved sword embedded itself in the glass. There was a resounding crack as it pierced the bulletproof material, but it didn't get very far. He jumped at the abruptness, Ashley didn't seem to notice or care. Bullets followed the sword in rapid succession, bouncing harmlessly off the glass, and Shepard wondered what the plan had been when Leng threw that sword.

"I got you covered."

"I hope so. Otherwise, we're all going to die down here, and I'm not putting death up on my list of things to repeat."

He snorted. "Yeah, me neither." That being said, he hit the lock for the door and lifted his assault rifle, taking aim at the nearest trooper. One pull of the trigger, and he was down. The next two fell in similar fashion as Garrus and Tali took that as a signal to get moving. Both of them appeared on opposite ends of the shuttle, opening fire on the backs of the guards. Several dropped dead in the confusion and Shepard took the chance to blast another in the head.

His eyes roamed the hangar in his brief respite, but there was no sign of Leng. Shepard damn near stepped out to look for him, all the way up until a spray of gunfire hit his barrier. He returned fire in the general direction of the shooter even though he couldn't see where he was. Must've regained his senses and taken cover. It didn't matter. He'd reappear soon enough. Instead, Shepard fired a burst at an approaching pair of troopers; one took several shots to the chest and the other took a round to the throat. Both dead.

"How's it coming, Ash?"

"Almost got it. Just one more second...and...there! Got it!" She hit something loud enough he heard over the sound of his own gun and alarms started blaring over the hangar. Lights flashed as the massive overhead doors started to pull away from each other. "Ah, shit."

"Now the whole base knows."

"They probably already knew," she said, sounding way too casual. Reassuring herself she didn't fuck it up for them.

"Good thinking," he said, half focused on the conversation and the fighting. The trooper that had shot at him earlier stood up and Shepard dropped him easily. "Let's get going. Looks like Garrus and Tali have the shuttle."

She shot the panel twice before joining him. "Right be—"

As soon as she'd grabbed her spot on his flank, two feet connected with Shepard's chest, and Leng swung into the room as they both got knocked on their asses. He drew his remaining sword, but waited, giving them the time they needed to recover.

"I expected more of a fight from you, Commander. You're an N7, the best the Alliance has to offer, and you're running around, risking your life for one of _my_ people. And you're _losing._ "

He was pushing himself off his chest, reaching for his shotgun. His head had hit one of the consoles as they'd rolled across the floor and the world was spinning, but he still got up. He was on his knees when he finally managed to get his gun in hand, and he didn't waste any time in pulling the trigger. Leng threw up some sort of barrier, holding his arm out as the field repulsed all of Shepard's shots. When he was forced to reload, Leng dropped it and lashed out, kicking the shotgun from his grasp. It spiralled across the room and fell behind a counter, and Shepard sort of stared after it in awe, practically asking for Leng to hit him again. A foot connected with his ribs, then yanked his feet out from beneath him, and he crashed back down to the floor all over again.

"You're pathetic."

"And you're a coward." Energy started to burn its way along his wrist and hand, and when Shepard leapt to his feet, he drove his fist into Leng's abdomen. He could feel the bone give under the force of the punch, but there was one _small_ downside. Leng had locked a hand around his shoulder and held on for dear life, just before shoving his sword between Shepard's ribs.

And _damn,_ did it hurt.

"Shepard!"

Leng shoved him to the floor before making his escape, sprinting back out the door he came through. He took his sword with him, leaving Shepard with a painful gap in his gut and nothing to stop the bleeding.

Shepard was holding a hand over the bloody wound and getting himself back on his feet by the time Ashley reached him, discarding the assault rifle she'd "borrowed" to help him up. He coughed and spit out a mouthful of blood, groaning at the sight of it. Not a good sign.

"What the hell were you doing?"

"Trying not to shoot you," she said. "How bad is it?"

"I've had better days."

He could barely hear the sarcastic snort as she threw his arm over her shoulder. The alarms were still going off, but by now, the doors had to be open enough to allow a shuttle through. She dragged him out of the control room, ignoring his protests that he could walk on his own and ignoring the little grunts of pain as he stressed the wound with each step. As they staggered along, he saw the shuttle beginning to lift off, and out of the corner of his eye, a pair of doors opening for more Cerberus troops.

"You take me to the nicest places." The shuttle hatch opened and Tali jumped to the floor, rushing up to them while Ashley fumbled to get her pistol drawn.

"Your idea," Shepard mumbled, trying to add a laugh but coughing instead.

Ashley rolled her eyes as Tali traded places with her. Just a few more steps... Bullets bounced off his barrier and Tali's shields, and somewhere behind them, Ashley returned fire. He didn't look back to see if she missed or not; Tali helped him inside, the hatch was slammed shut, and he wasn't sure who yelled at Garrus to get them out of there. All he knew was he could hardly see straight, but there was someone there, holding him upright while another person fussed over the hole in his side.


	36. Chapter 36

His ears were ringing. Someone was waving one of those medical lights in front of his eyes and he winced, turning away from it. It clicked off the same instant. "Glad to see you're awake, Commander."

It was Chakwas' voice, but the room, probably the med bay, was too hazy for him to really _see_ anything. He tried to sit up anyway, groaning when something dug into his ribs and held him down. It didn't feel exactly pleasant, but it didn't necessarily hurt either. He was grateful for that; he imagined he didn't want to be feeling any sword wounds just after waking up. But that still didn't explain the restraints.

"What the hell is this?" His mouth was dry. His voice sounded like someone stomped on his throat for hours.

"You...had to be restrained."

"I can see that. Why?"

"Sometime after you were brought aboard, you started raving about geth. Before you could lapse into an episode, Williams and I tied you down."

He blinked several times. It didn't help much. "Ash was here?"

"Her sister," Chakwas corrected. "Ashley hasn't been here since she and Garrus dropped you off. Sarah, however, has been up and down for the last twelve hours. I don't think the poor girl knows how to sleep."

Shepard tried shaking his head after another wave of blinking. That did the trick, but the lights overhead still hurt his eyes. It would take some readjusting. "That's uh...that's great. Now are you going to let me out of these things?"

Chakwas returned to his field of view, leaning over him with a furrowed brow. "How are you feeling?"

"What?"

"How are you feeling?" she repeated. "Mentally, physically, emotionally. Virmire was a traumatic experience for all parties involved, but you haven't had the chance to talk with Chambers yet. Unlike Ashley, Garrus, and Tali, you've also exhibited signs of that trauma, both last night and over the last several days."

He frowned. "Just let me out of the restraints. I have things to do."

"Commander, you can either tell me that you feel fine, or I can call Chambers down to reassess your mental stability."

"I'm _fine,_ Chakwas," he said. "Now let me up. I need to...something. I need to go do something."

She sighed as she began unclasping the belts holding him down to the cot. It felt good to be free when he sat up, stretching his arms overhead. _That_ didn't feel so good; he stressed both ends of the wound and he scowled, running a hand over his ribs. Medigel was still covering the entry wound, and if he really thought about it, Shepard swore he could feel a small glob on his back. It would be a few days before the medigel could come off.

"I still recommend you speak with Chambers, Shepard," Chakwas said. He rolled his eyes and ignored her, reaching for his folded up shirt and boots. Just because he was hurt didn't mean he had no work to do. There were courses to plot, people to check on, and a stiff drink with his name on it. "You lost a good friend because of an order you gave and you haven't had the time to mourn, let alone get past it. Bottling it up isn't healthy."

He laced up his boots and glanced up at the doctor, frowning. "Grieving now would be redundant."

"You skipped the process, Commander. It might be redundant, but like everyone else, you'll have to face the consequences."

Shepard shook his head as he got to his feet. Shirt was next. "No. Ash is alive and we're off Virmire. I couldn't be happier." After pulling on the Cerberus uniform, Shepard started for the door. He strode out into the mess hall and went straight for the gun battery, intending to get Garrus for that drink before starting his routine. Garrus was always up for a drink. Only when Shepard entered the battery, the turian was nowhere to be seen. He checked past the cannon and up by the power cells, but he wasn't there.

"EDI, where's Garrus?"

"I believe he's down on deck five with several other members of your crew. They seem to be sparring."

"Who the hell told them they could do that?"

"I don't know, Commander. Would you like me to tell them to return to their posts?"

Shepard sighed and shook his head. "No, that's not necessary. Thank you." EDI gave her traditional farewell as he turned and headed for the elevator, explicitly ignoring looking at the med bay. One of the passing techs nodded politely in greeting and he barely had the semblance of mind to return the gesture, so focused on getting where he was going. As he rounded the bend near Miranda's office, he noticed Kasumi and Thane also heading for the elevator, and he wondered what the heck everyone was doing. Garrus wasn't in his usual place, Thane was socializing, and Kasumi was somewhere other than her couch.

The two of them beat him to the elevator, but Kasumi held its doors open for him as he slipped inside. "Hey, Shep."

"Hey," he replied, swallowing past the dry lump in his throat. "Where are you guys going?"

"Cargo hold," Thane said.

"Everyone else is blowing off steam down there," Kasumi added. "It might be fun to watch as they beat each other up."

"I didn't know you were a sadist," Shepard said, arching a brow.

"Not a sadist," she said. "Bored. There's not much call for thievery aboard a ship. There's not much call for anything aboard a ship, actually."

He shrugged and Thane said, "You could meditate."

"I'll leave that to you and Samara."

Thane straightened as he adopted his usual stance, arms clasped behind his back. "It might help you clear your thoughts. You seem troubled."

Kasumi laughed. "Bored," she repeated. "That's why you and I are doing something fun."

"Questionably fun," Shepard corrected, grinning at the drell. Thane's expression was passive, but for a half a second, he thought the corner of his mouth flicked up in a small smirk. "So you know they're sparring down there?" Both Thane and Kasumi nodded. "Are you going to participate, Thane?"

"I...don't know. It's hardly appropriate, Commander. Not with my training."

Shepard snorted. "I bet there are two people down there who'd get a kick outta fighting you."

"You're probably correct."

Kasumi glanced between them before clearing her throat. "Who?"

It was easy to forget she hadn't been on the _Normandy_ as long as the others; Kasumi was so quiet and kept to herself that Shepard had barely remembered to check on her when he'd gone asking if anyone needed his help with anything. All she'd done was remind him of Cerberus' deal, which he'd been more than inclined to help her with. She wanted to recover something of hers that had been stolen—her old partner's graybox.

"Grunt for one. Y'know, the hell-bent krogan squatting in engineering," Shepard answered. "Then there's Jack. Both of them need something to hit more often than they should."

"It's a wonder you take Williams and Garrus out with you, then," Kasumi said.

"I like Garrus," he said simply, shrugging. "He's always had my back. And if I left Ash here, she'd probably punch someone hard enough their teeth would come out the back of their head."

"Uh-huh," she teased, nodding conspiratorially. "Definitely it."

Shepard squinted, but before he could say anything, the doors opened in the shuttle bay, and Kasumi fled for the small crowd several yards away. It mostly consisted of his ground team; Garrus, Jack, Zaeed, Grunt, and Jacob, who was probably the sole cause of Kasumi showing up in the first place. He barely recognized the brown-haired girl sitting on one of the storage crates, but even if he didn't, the way she was whispering something in Ashley's ear pretty much told him exactly who it was.

Thane strode after the thief, so Shepard followed, diverting his eyes straight ahead when he thought Ash met his gaze. Nope. He wasn't touching that one. There was no doubt that Sarah had told her about whatever had happened to get him restrained earlier, and he had no interest in explaining any of his feelings to her. He'd learned to keep his mouth shut. After all, it was his business, not hers.

He stepped up beside Grunt, placing himself between the krogan and Thane, and was welcomed with a rough smack to the back. It aggravated the stab wound as he staggered, but he still slapped on a ridiculous grin when he straightened. "Shepard! We were starting to think you'd miss all the fun."

"Not if I could help it," he said. "But, uh, who authorized this, exactly?"

"Lawson."

He didn't realize they were in earshot of the two women hanging around on the sidelines. Suddenly, Shepard wished he'd stayed in the med bay, or gone to plot courses with Joker and EDI. The look Ashley was giving him wasn't one he liked. Too much concern mixed with too much irritation.

"Miranda? You expect me to believe you went to her to get permission for...this? Turning my crew into punching bags?"

She arched a brow. "You say that like you think I'm dumb enough to get involved in this."

"You have a track record of stupid things."

"In all fairness, those stupid things tend to work out for the best."

"Like volunteering to stay behind on Virmire?"

The chattering around them stopped immediately and Shepard crossed his arms. That...was definitely not the brightest idea he'd had, saying that, but it was the truth. And while he was already regretting it, he wasn't about to back down.

"That work out for the best, Ash?"

Her eyes narrowed as she dropped onto her own two feet. He could barely see that challenging look buried there, and if he didn't know her as well as he did, he would've missed it. But damn, he wasn't regretting that now. Whatever that was, it wasn't the wounded puppy they'd picked up as they fled the Lazarus Project's station. That was something eerily similar to the same woman who'd held a gun on Wrex to protect him. And _that_ was something he liked more than he should admit.

"I don't know, Commander. Wouldn't exactly be my place to say."

"Your place? No one knows what happened better than you do."

"My feelings and what's right don't tend to coincide, even on a good day."

"Looking for an outside opinion?"

"Unbiased," she said. "Someone who doesn't give a damn. That rules you out."

"Does it?"

Both of her brows went up now. "That a challenge, Shepard?"

He glanced around, eyes falling on each person clustered around the wrestling mats spread over the floor. "That's up for interpretation."

Just when he thought she'd agree to it, Ashley leant back against the crate she'd been sitting on moments before. "Tempting, but no. Don't want to break your pretty face. Then you'd never convince anyone to stop shooting at us."

Shepard shrugged, nonchalant, but he gave a mental curse. One for whatever the hell had gotten into him. Another for even bringing that up in front of her sister. And another just for being a dumbass. Silence lapsed over him and his friends, and after a few minutes, Garrus managed to convince Thane to join him. Blowing off steam. That's exactly what had been on his mind, but not in the same...ballpark as sparring.

Oh, he had some steam that needed blowing off all right.

* * *

It had only been a couple hours after he got to witness the extent of Thane's hand-to-hand training when Shepard collapsed on his bed. A satisfied groan escaped his lips, muffled by the bedding, and he let himself lay there for an ungodly amount of time. He was exhausted; when they picked up Tali, they went straight to Virmire, and there'd been no stopping down on that hellhole, so he figured a nap was in order. Everything else was finished—he had spent some time on the bridge after selecting the Citadel on the galaxy map, had a couple conversations with Garrus and Thane, and ended up here. Shepard felt like he earned the right to a damn nap by now.

Problem being, sleep wasn't something Shepard was even remotely good at. He had nightmares nearly every night, and if he was already acting out while unconscious, he didn't want to try sleeping. _Raving about geth,_ he thought, snorting. That was exactly what he needed, having a mental breakdown in front of the doctor. Once this was over, assuming they survived, Shepard could see the psych eval order smacked on him by the Alliance. Chakwas had recommended one when they defeated Saren; Shepard wasn't going to put it past her to do it again.

Instead of getting the rest he so desperately needed, he rolled off the bed and onto the floor, then pushed himself up to go check his emails. Ever since he sent that first one, his mom had tried to keep in touch with him, and he put as much effort into it as she did, which was very little. She was captaining a ship and he was fighting a war the whole of the Alliance should've been in on. There wasn't much time for either of them.

But as soon as he sat, he knew his inbox would be filled with mail he'd already gone through. He marked a few threads as important, deleted the rest, and went back to his bed. It wasn't soft by any means of the imagination, but some days, nothing could beat having a bed so large all to himself. He didn't envy the crew with their bunks or sleeping pods. Private quarters with a nice full-sized bed was exactly what every ship needed, for the commanding officers at the very least. It wasn't within Alliance standardizations, but damn, he could dream. The new _Normandy_ was twice the size of the original; he couldn't help wondering what exactly Cerberus would've done with all this space if they made the SR-2 an exact replica of the SR-1.

Thinking of it made him remember he had a shower. His own, personal, shower. Instantly the best part of his cabin. That, and the empty fish tank that lit the entire room. Shepard made a mental note to ask Kelly if she could feed his fish while he was away; they kept dying. Or he could just stop trying to raise the damn things. He had his hamster. It didn't need constant care to survive.

"Commander, Ashley Williams would like to be allowed into your cabin."

Shepard groaned and rolled onto his back. "Let her in, EDI."

"At once, Shepard."

He sat up as the door opened and ran a hand down the back of his head. Time to pull out the razor; hair was too long. After growing up in a military family, buzz cuts were a habit, and anything longer irritated the hell out of him.

"Hey, Commander."

Shepard looked up from his lap and forced a smile. "Hey, Ash. What's up?" She ignored him, looking around his cabin before stepping down to join him. She sat on his couch, looked behind her, then back at him. "Ash? You okay?"

"I'm fine," she said quickly. "I'm more worried about you."

"Me? There's nothing to worry about. I'm perfectly fine."

She fixed him with a dark look and he sighed. "Sarah told me what you did earlier."

"I was dreaming," he said defensively.

"You punched her," Ashley snapped. "Hard enough to bruise. That's not dreaming, Shepard." He started to protest, but she cut him off. "You need help before you start having flashbacks in the middle of a firefight. Chakwas asked me to—"

"The doctor. _She_ put you up to this?"

"I would've said something with or without her asking me to. You're having the same problems I did and I don't want to see you spend the next few months wondering why you're a mess when it can be avoided."

Shepard shook his head. "It's not the same."

"It doesn't have to be. You didn't sit through beatings and you don't hear voices, but I didn't watch an entire colony burn and I don't have to worry about the crew. That's the kind of stress that breaks people, y'know. Stuff like that will get you discharged from the Alliance if you let it."

"I didn't need counseling after Elysium. I didn't need it after Saren attacked the Citadel. I sure as hell don't need it now."

"I'm not saying you do."

"Are you sure? Because from where I'm standing, thats _exactly_ what it sounds like," he retorted.

Ashley ran a hand down her face. "No, that's not what I'm saying. You've dealt with everything else that's happened without an incident. I can respect that. Hell, everyone on this damn ship does. But compartmentalizing only works for so long. And 'ranting about geth' is evidence that it's not working for you anymore."

"This still sounds like you want me to talk to Chambers."

"No," she repeated. "I want you to take a look at me, tell yourself that I'm alive, and get over it."

He blinked, frowned. "I know that."

"You don't act like it. This started when I suggested going to Virmire. That was so _I_ would have problems, not you. And here we are, backwards. When I suggested that, you started getting defensive. You got aggressive with the people you deal with on other planets. You stopped being yourself, and now that we've got what we need, you're acting out while you're unconscious. The man I know wouldn't punch someone trying to help him, sedated or not."

"It was an accident."

Ashley waved the comment aside. "What did you do after I died?"

Shepard's frown deepened. He didn't see the point of this. "Went after Saren."

"And after that?"

"Hunted down geth before the SR-1 was attacked."

"Did you ever once stop to tell yourself I was gone?"

He shook his head. "I didn't need to. Every time I went down to talk to Garrus, I could see it. There wasn't time for it anyway. Saren was going to attack the Citadel. He had to be stopped."

"Chakwas told you that was the problem, y'know."

"It's not the problem."

"Oh, I can tell that's the problem already."

"And you're just suddenly a psychiatrist?"

She got to her feet. "Don't need to be to tell you that's what's wrong. So before I get Sarah on a transport and before you find someone to shoot at, you and I are going to do something fun."

Shepard's brow crinkled. "Fun." It wasn't a question. "On the Citadel?"

"No, on the ship," she said sarcastically. "Yes, on the Citadel. Where else?"

"The ship," he suggested.

Ashley rolled her eyes. "No. Citadel. Just you and me, half hour after we dock. Got it?"

"And...what are we going to do?"

She shrugged. "Who knows? That's part of the adventure."

He shook his head and laughed. "Really? Is that really what you just said to me?"

"Got a problem with it?"

He just shook his head again, amused. "Whatever you say, Ash."

"Good. See you later."


	37. Chapter 37

For some reason, Shepard was glad he was the first to the airlock. It gave him the chance to collect himself, wonder what the hell Ashley had in mind, and wonder why the hell he agreed to it in the first place. Of all the things he should be doing right now, standing around waiting was at the very bottom of that list. Garrus needed help, Thane needed help, and here he was, getting ready to go waste even more time. This was unnecessary, but if it kept Chakwas from trying to get him any help, he was all for it.

He didn't need help. Perfectly healthy, save the uncomfortable itching in his ribs. That was going to be irritating.

"You ready?" His head snapped up. "Or...are you gonna glare at your feet a little longer?"

Shepard smiled, albeit sheepishly, and shrugged. Ashley was standing a few feet away, wearing the exact same off-duty uniform most people on the ship wore. He was wearing it too, but unlike hers, his still bore the Cerberus logo on each shoulder.

"I was thinking," he said.

One of her brows went up and she turned for the keypad, punching in the required commands to get them off the _Normandy._ "About what?"

He shrugged again. "Nothing important. Just thinking." When she looked back at him, Shepard could tell she didn't believe him, and he rushed to change the subject, saying, "You let your hair down."

Ashley blinked, frowned. "...And?"

Shepard sputtered, rubbed the back of his neck, and gave an awkward laugh. "You...don't normally do that?"

"I already explained this to you."

He nodded. "No, I know, it's just..." He waved a hand and sighed, running it down his face. "It's different. In a good way, I mean." It was a lame attempt at salvaging whatever he'd been trying to say, but he was just glad it was over with. "Sorry. I guess I'm a little tired."

To his relief, all Ashley did was shrug and say, "Makes sense. Too bad I'm dragging you off to have some fun."

"Yeah," he agreed, sighing in a dejected way. "Too bad." She smacked his shoulder as the scanner ran them both over multiple times, and he laughed. "Oh, come on. You walked into that one."

"I have too much dignity to agree with you."

"You lost your dignity a long time ago, Williams."

She scoffed. "Please, Commander. Like you have the place to talk."

Shepard grinned and shook his head. "Didn't say I had any. I only said you don't."

Ash gave him a sideways look, but then snorted and looked away. "Fair enough."

The door buzzed and allowed them to step into the docking tube, and Shepard's eyes went wide. "Wait, did you just admit I was right?" She laughed, but didn't respond, and he added, "Can I record that, or...?" Ashley rolled her eyes as they walked off the ship, stopping at the end of the tube. Shepard frowned and paused, waiting, as she seemed to debate about something before joining him. "You all right?"

She nodded. "Yeah, fine. I was just thinking about how weird it is to not be stuck on an Alliance port."

"It bothers you?" he asked, brows shooting up. "I'd have thought you'd be relieved to avoid the brass a little longer."

"I am," Ashley said. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking forward to what happens after...this, but if there's any way it'll get me back in an Alliance uniform, it has to be better than Cerberus." Her eyes lingered on the orangish logo plastered to Shepard's shoulder, but flicked back up to his before it got awkward. He held her gaze until she looked away nervously, gesturing to the rental Shepard kept at the dock. "We don't have all day. Let's go see what we can get ourselves into."

Shepard couldn't help grinning. "What trouble we can stir up, you mean."

"Getting arrested isn't high on my list of things to do."

He waved the comment aside nonchalantly as he led her towards the skycar. "You killed a couple cops while we were here last time and didn't get arrested. I don't plan on doing anything more drastic than that."

"Don't remind me," she said, groaning. As they climbed inside, he noted how she made a point of using the car's seatbelt and decided he should probably take it carefully. He wasn't great at driving, so he typically _was_ careful when taking everyone down to the Wards, but not as careful as he probably should be. "So you got any plans, Skipper?"

His brows furrowed as the car came to life. "Me? Uh...no? This was your idea, Ash. I'm just along for the ride."

"It was Chakwas' idea, actually," she corrected. "I'd rather be worrying about getting Sarah home, but..." She shrugged and he fixed her with a surprised look, hand hesitating over the ignition. If _she_ didn't want to be here either, maybe he could get out of it?

"But what?"

"But I figured getting off the ship would be good for both of us. Getting off and not getting shot at, to be exact. And besides, we're going to be docked for a while with Donnelly and Daniels integrating those upgrades you have them working on, so..." Ash waved a hand as she relaxed back into the seat.

He stared at her for a few seconds, frowning, as he tried to understand what was really going through her head. She seemed more nervous than she usually was, so, aside from the fact that she rarely lied, he decided she was telling the truth about this being the doctor's brilliant plan. Much like himself, Ash was about as serious as they came about getting things done correctly. Of course, whatever had gotten into him took out the part where he was worried about his crew more than the actual mission, but he was still just as dead-set on getting rid of the Collectors as she was.

That was why both of them were stuck doing something counterproductive, wasn't it? The man that had been awarded the Star of Terra cared about his crew. The man sitting in the car now cared more about beating Cerberus to the Collectors than how his people were doing.

Shepard swallowed, sent off a quick message to Miranda with his omni-tool, and turned back to Ashley. "And what's the real reason?"

She frowned. "Huh?"

"The reason you're sitting here. I'm not the kind of guy to recklessly throw everyone else's mental health to the wind just to get something done, but you are. You want this done. So why are you in the car, Ash?"

She looked back out the window, sighing. "Ordered shore leave?"

"I did," Shepard said. "So tell me."

"I don't really know," she admitted. "When we were on Virmire, Leng opened a channel with the Illusive Man and he told me he had seen everything we'd done, heard everything we talked about, and knew us better than our own families." He frowned. Why hadn't she mentioned that earlier?

 _Probably because I've been unconscious for the last eighteen hours._

"Maybe I just wanted to do something with you. Minus the extra eyes. I don't know. Chakwas thinks it'll help you, so why not?"

Shepard laughed once, shook his head, and pulled the car out of its small lot. "Chakwas thinks I haven't come to terms with you dying yet. Or myself, for that matter."

He saw her relax out of the corner of his eye. "Yeah, well...it's a big step, dying. You're supposed to stay dead." Shepard simply nodded his agreement. "Do you remember anything? From when you were under?"

"Uh...no. I don't. I remember watching the _Normandy_ explode and fumbling to reconnect my oxygen, and then I remember waking up on that station. There's no in between. Why? Do you?"

"I was hoping you would because I don't. Just...darkness."

"Wondering about where we go when we're dead?"

"Yeah. It would be comforting knowing there was something waiting for us."

As he pulled the skycar into the line of traffic, Shepard stole a glance at her. She was staring out the windshield, expression blank, hands clasped firmly in her lap. No sign of what she was thinking about. "You're religious, right? You don't trust what the Bible says will be waiting for us?"

Ash hesitated. "I do, but... I want to remember, y'know? Like how I wanted to remember my life before you came into it."

"From what you've told me, you still don't remember that far back."

"If I really think about it, I do, but it hurts. So I try not to. Remembering much of anything before waking up that first time on the ship is a stretch."

"Did you explain what happened to Sarah?"

She laughed once, glanced at him, and laughed again. "I'm supposed to explain that to her? How? What do I say, that I blew up only to be brought back to life by the crazy people that kidnapped her? That those crazy people put a control chip in my brain and used me to kill Alliance soldiers? Or that a fleet of sentient machines are trying to indoctrinate me?"

He sighed. "Okay. Fair enough. Then what did you tell her?"

"She hasn't asked, not since I woke up in that cell with her. I don't think she wants to know," Ashley said. "She's not going to tell the rest of the family. About me, I mean. She wanted to, but after I told her what we were doing, she agreed it was kind of pointless to say anything if I end up dead on the Collector homeworld."

"You going back once we're done?"

"If we survive, yeah. Then Anderson's going to try working something out with Hackett privately, see if we can keep this whole thing with Cerberus quiet."

"Really?" That caught his attention. Just a couple days ago, she'd been adamant about running from the Alliance. He wasn't going to argue if she stuck around, but the sudden change of heart surprised him. "He's going to try and get you reinstated?"

"Keyword there is try. If I can give the Alliance useful intel on Cerberus, it'll be easier. There's still no way I'm getting away with everything I've done, but..." He heard her shrug as she shifted. "Who knows? This time next year, I might be in an Alliance uniform again."

"When did you figure this out?"

"About six hours ago, actually. Scuttlebutt's been busy trying to prove me wrong."

Shepard cracked a smile and decided to broach the topic he was slowly working his way towards. "And the Reapers? Do you plan to say anything about that?"

"You've been trying to get the Council to see the truth since Eden Prime, Shepard, and they're happy to ignore it."

"But not if you have anything to say about it."

"Exactly. But step one is getting back into the Alliance. Making myself, y'know, valid again. I just shot some of their cops because of Cerberus' bullshit; it's not like they're going to listen to me if I'm wearing their uniform."

"I don't know," he said. "If someone came up to me and said they had proof the Reapers existed, I'd listen to them."

"My proof would be classified as a mental breakdown."

Shepard shrugged. "The Council doesn't trust anything unless they can see it for themselves. Now that I think about it, you'd probably get the same response I did with the Prothean thing."

"Probably. And even if they did listen, they'd still dismiss the claims because they'd just assume I'd gone insane after everything Cerberus did to me."

"I meant make you a Spectre and throw you at the problem, hoping you could pull some galaxy-saving magic outta your ass."

She laughed. "If anyone offers to make me a Spectre, remind me to say no. You can bet the Illusive Man would be all over that connection, given the opportunity."

"Get that control chip out of your head and go through some therapy, and I think you'd make a good Spectre."

Ashley started to protest, and for a half a second, Shepard thought she just liked arguing with him. With all the more she agreed with him, it was entirely plausible. He'd met women like that before, but then again, Ash wasn't anything like those women. They tended to lie and use their "womanly charm" to get what they wanted. To Ashley's credit, she was honest, if blunt, and let her skills do most of her talking for her.

"Thanks...I guess."

Shepard laughed in disbelief. "What, no argument?"

"I was going to, but then I decided I should probably just accept the compliment. We argue enough about everything else that it's not worth it."

He laughed again, but it was something of amusement rather than surprise. "You're welcome, Ash."

For a while, they were silent, and Shepard just drove them around the Citadel, bouncing between lanes when he felt like it. There wasn't much point to it, let alone any pattern, and it was oddly relaxing. He was a man of action; pointless things rarely ever brought him any pleasure, but aimless, quiet driving with Ash was nice. It was a good way to get his mind of things. That being said, Shepard didn't forget who he was with, what he was doing, and why he was here.

"All right, Ash. You said we were gonna do something fun?"

"That's the plan."

"Then let's hit the streets and see what's going on."


	38. Chapter 38

As they passed it, Ashley paused to stare at the flickering poster, frowning. It took Shepard a second to realize she wasn't at his side, but he fell back to see what she was looking at once he did. He glanced between her and the vibrant advertisement, an amused smirk on his face as he said, "Blasto? Really Ash?"

Her frown deepened at the jab and she started to lift a hand, but caught herself. "No, it's not like I want to see it or anything. I'm just...wow." She shook her head. "It even _looks_ stupid. How do people watch that and enjoy it?"

"Well," Shepard said, "it's not like we've known the people in this galaxy to be very bright."

"They have their moments," Ashley replied, shaking her head again. "I don't know. I've seen some of those movies. They're horrible. I left halfway through the first one I saw."

"You've gone to see a Blasto movie." It wasn't a question, just a statement, but Ash still looked at him sideways. "That's...surprising. I didn't think you were into that sort of thing. Crappy movies about hanar Spectres seem kinda far-fetched, even for you."

"Hey, I left before it was over, so stop judging me."

He grinned and jerked his head back down the strip, wordlessly asking her to get moving. She started after him, nearly falling in at an angle as a force of habit. She quickened her pace to walk alongside him and allowed her eyes to wander. They were meandering their way through some sort of shopping strip, but they weren't stopping to buy anything. Shepard wasn't the kind of guy to buy her something stupid on a whim, and Ashley wasn't the kind of woman to want him to. Admittedly, she was just enjoying the freedom and the air, even if it was fake. And her company, of course, but she wasn't paying much attention. Shepard was letting her look around; it amused him, obviously.

"You'd think you've never been in a city," he said.

Ashley shrugged. "Not really. I mean, I've been to cities, just never walked around." He arched a brow and she sighed. "I'm not big on girly things, shopping included."

"But you know how to dance and you like sensitive stuff."

"And you're too sweet to be someone capable of punching my teeth out."

Shepard laughed. "Okay, I guess that's fair. Sometimes, anyway."

Ashley rolled her eyes. "Says the guy who makes it his goal to help every damsel in distress across the galaxy."

"That's a problem?"

"No," she said. "Just pointing out the obvious, Skipper."

He slowed a bit and she matched it, brows raising at the expression on his face. She couldn't place it, something between confusion and amusement, and it made her laugh. "What's with that? The whole Skipper thing?"

"There has to be a reason behind it?"

"You don't do anything unless there's a point to it."

"I'm out here with you when there's Collectors that need killing."

Shepard snorted. "Point taken, but still."

"It's a nickname. Don't think about it too much and you'll be fine." She was being honest, as usual, but it bugged her that he thought she had a reason for it. She didn't know why; lots of things bothered her for no apparent reason. Besides, she gave nicknames to just about all of her friends. All of her _dead_ friends.

She shuddered. It had been a while since she paid the 212 any thought. While she owed all of them even a little bit of her time, Ashley didn't want to let it bother her now. She was going to let bad memories ruin the day for her. It had been good so far, even if it was a little bland. All they'd done was drive and wander around, but it was still a good day. Shepard was perfectly happy with whatever they did and she wasn't picky, so it was pretty easy to keep themselves entertained. He seemed content to walk with her and she was just glad to finally get him somewhere the Illusive Man couldn't spy on them. Granted, they hadn't done much of anything that would be interesting to spy on, but regardless, it was her life, and she wanted it to be hers only.

"Do you ever think about it? What you'll do once all of this is said and done?"

Her head snapped up from her feet. It was a popular place for her eyes to stray to when she was thinking. Shepard seemed to have the same problem.

"What do you mean?"

"Like what you'll do once there aren't any Collectors to destroy, any Reapers to worry about, or there's no Cerberus to be afraid of," Shepard explained.

"I haven't really thought about it. There's no guarantee we'll even get that far. We could all die tomorrow, so I don't try to get my hopes up." The slight crease to his forehead told her that wasn't the answer he'd been expecting, much less hoping for. It didn't surprise her. Throughout the course of the day, she'd been seeing more and more of the man she remembered, and that man was an eternal optimist. "Why? Have you?"

Ashley already knew what he was going to say, but part of her hoped she was wrong. Regardless, Shepard nodded and said, "I think about it too much. It gives me something to fight for, makes me hopeful."

"Yeah? So what are your big plans, Commander?"

"Dogs," he said instantly. "Earthborn mutts that everyone overlooks because they're not modified. I've always wanted one. I figure if I save the galaxy a couple more times, maybe I can retire with enough goodwill to fade into the background and raise them in the woods somewhere."

She bit back a laugh and smirked at him. "That's your big plan? Become a crazy guy raising dogs in the woods?"

"Well...no," he said, sounding somewhat embarrassed. "Dogs are an important part of the plan, but it's not the whole thing. I want somewhere quiet to live with a few dogs and a family. Nothing big, just simple. After that whole Spiderman thing I had as a kid, I decided I really didn't want to be a hero. I just wanted to be me." He sighed and waved a hand before stuffing it back into his pocket. "Though as you've so kindly pointed out, that's unlikely to ever happen. But if I'm lucky enough to get what I want, I'll happily fade into obscurity."

Ashley looked back down at her feet, then back up at him. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I didn't mean it like that."

"No, it's fine. You're right. We're lucky to get the next five minutes. I shouldn't be hoping for a future I'll most likely never get."

"For what it's worth, if anyone deserves to have a happy ending, it's you."

Shepard smiled. "Thanks, Ash. That means a lot."

She let out a puff of breath and looked ahead, watching people as they moved in waves around the corners and through storefronts. "So. Dogs, huh?"

"Like I said, I've always wanted one, but anything bigger than a hamster was off-limits for space stations," Shepard said.

"You don't strike me as a dog person," Ashley said. "Varren, maybe, but definitely not dogs. And unmodified mutts? Really?"

Shepard nodded. "No one wants them, so they end up on the streets. They deserve homes and someone to love them."

"They get sick and die a lot easier than a breed with gene enhancements."

"So? That doesn't mean they deserve to be overlooked. Humans lived without gene enhancements in their pets for thousands of years. Why should that stop me from getting a normal dog?" Ashley shrugged. "Unmodified dogs are just as great as any modified dog. I'll prove it to you."

 _That_ caught her attention. Both of her brows shot up as she looked up at him. "How are you going to do that?"

"When I go looking for a dog, you'll come with me," he said flatly. There was something about the tone of his voice that made her want to demand why, but there was some self-satisfied tick in the back of her mind that made it unnecessary. It brought a smile to her lips and she just kept walking, perfectly fine with that explanation. "Why are you smirking like that?"

"Like what?"

"You mean there are multiple smirks?" She laughed and forced her eyes elsewhere, flustered. Shepard wasn't a stupid man, and this was likely to be awkward for her, if not just as awkward for him. And if it wasn't going to be awkward for him, he'd probably spend the next three hours laughing at her. Or both. Both would be best, because while he found it funny, he wouldn't bring it up.

"What, did you think I wasn't going to include you in my plans or something?"

"It didn't even cross my mind."

"And here I thought you didn't lie, Ash."

She scoffed. "It didn't! Not until you said the thing about taking me with you to look for dogs."

Shepard stopped and stared at her, squinted to be exact. He looked at her like she'd grown a second head or something, and she shifted uncomfortably before straightening up and matching that stare of his. When she did that, he snorted. That snort turned into a laugh, and that laugh turned into a fit of laughter violent enough that he had to wipe a tear from his eye.

"What?" Defensive. Great. Probably not the best time for her to feel that way, but it didn't seem to bother him one bit.

"Oh, nothing," Shepard said. "You're just blissfully unaware of so many things that it's hilarious."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"That's my point," he replied, smiling brightly. "I just can't believe you thought I'd look you in the eye and say I'd rather find some other woman to be with once this was over."

"I didn't say that."

"Then who'd you think I would go do all this stuff with? Miranda? Jack?"

She cleared her throat, sucked in a huge breath, and said, "Uh, no? I mean...I didn't exactly put much thought into that." His brows shot up and she groaned, running a hand down her face. Shepard was getting a kick out of it; she could tell by that subtle little twitch in the corner of his mouth. He was trying not to laugh at her. "That came out wrong. I thought about it, but it didn't...click?" She groaned again. "I don't even know what I'm saying anymore."

"I can tell," he teased. "But seriously, did you think I was going to make plans to do all that with someone else when I have you?"

"No?"

"Ash?"

"What?"

"You're an idiot."

"Okay, but you're not wrong."

Shepard let out the laugh he was holding back as he started walking again. "I'm joking."

She huffed, saying, "I wouldn't go back and change a thing, but I'm really missing my people skills right about now."

"Those ones you never had?"

"Shut up."

He chuckled. "For someone so observant, you sure do miss a lot."

"Only with you," she said absentmindedly, frowning at another ad. She heard it mention Shepard and how faking death was a popular tactic in dodging taxes, but he seemed unaware of it. That, or he was just happy laughing at her selective lack of a brain. Regardless, she decided that there were some weird advertisements on the station. The Blasto poster wasn't that big of a deal, but between asking them if they wanted to be buried in asari robes and saying that people pretended to be dead, Ash wasn't entirely sure she was comfortable with the ads calling out her name as often as they did Shepard's.

"This was a good idea," he said, interrupting her train of thought.

"Huh? Oh. Yeah, I'm having fun."

"We haven't really done anything." She whipped back around to look at him, face now totally bereft of the amusement that had been there moments ago. "But...yeah, it's nice. Relaxing. I'm glad we did this."

She smiled. "Before we head back...you wanna get something to eat? Might be our last chance to get something that Rupert hasn't added ass to."

Shepard grinned again. "Hell. Yes."

* * *

By the time they got back to the _Normandy,_ Ashley was ready for the day to end. Running around with Shepard had taken up a large chunk of the day, and whereas he had things to do afterwards, all Ash had to worry about was getting Sarah back on a transport to Earth. That didn't take long, thankfully, due to EDI purchasing the ticket the instant she was asked to, but walking her down to the shuttle was kind of sad. She'd liked spending time with Sarah again; Ashley would have preferred to keep her sister within arm's reach, but it wasn't possible on a ship. The SR-2 was twice the size of the SR-1, but that didn't mean it had the space for extra passengers. And besides, they'd be hitting the Omega 4 (hopefully) within the week, and Ash didn't want Sarah anywhere near the Collectors.

"So this is it," she said, looking up at the digital sign overhead. "Time for you to head home."

"Yep." Sarah followed her gaze, then looked back at the side of Ashley's head. "So...we'll be seeing you again?"

Ashley shrugged a shoulder and said, "Depends on what happens. I'll call you when we get back. If we get back. But it'll be a while before I can come home. I have things to work out with the Alliance."

Sarah nodded. "You'll be safe?"

"As safe as possible on a warship."

"That's good to hear." Surprisingly, Sarah hugged her before saying, "I'm going to miss you."

Ashley did her best to return the gesture without letting her hard suit dig into Sarah's ribs. "I'm going to miss you too."

She watched while Sarah boarded the shuttle, stayed long enough to watch it depart, and stood there for quite a while afterwards. Only after her omni-tool chimed to say shore leave was over did she move, headed back for the elevator to take her up to the docking bay. She'd expected Shepard to take longer with Garrus and Thane, or that the ship's upgrades would've taken longer to install, but if they were on the move again, she wasn't going to complain. It put them one step closer to the Collectors.

So far, this had been simple. Easy, even. Ashley just hoped it would remain that way.


	39. Chapter 39

One minute they were helping Kasumi (or Shepard was, to be exact) and the next they were running through buildings as they blew up with Zaeed, blowing up an old Cerberus facility with Jack, and then bouncing halfway across the galaxy again to help Tali clear her name. Ashley voluntarily chose to sit that one out; Garrus knew Tali better than she did, and the last few hours had been nonstop gunfights and too much running for her to handle. She'd never seen Shepard book it through anything, but he seemed determined to get through this as fast as possible. He wanted that IFF before Cerberus could figure out what they had. He wanted to get to the Collectors first. She didn't blame him. Ashley actually agreed, but she needed the chance to decompress before getting back into it. Too much stress could set her off, and after so much effort in controlling herself, she didn't want to ruin it so close to the end.

Regardless, it wasn't like she could sit around doing nothing. She gave herself the hour after blowing up that Cerberus facility to pull it together. Then she was back up again, trying to think of something productive to do. Her side twinged under the strain to let her know it hadn't healed yet, but it wasn't like it hurt. She slapped on some medigel after pulling out the piece of shrapnel earlier and kept going. Once the wound sealed and the medigel was removed, all she had to do was slap her hard suit in one of the lockers and it would be good to go in an hour or so. But until then, she had to deal with the extra weight.

Ashley threw her backpack down on the table to restock when she came back, then made her way out into the Combat Information Center and up to the bridge. The walk was noticeably longer than it had been on the SR-1. Maybe she should've noticed that before, maybe not, but she didn't care. Cerberus gave them the finest damn ship ever built and they stole it right out from under their noses. That was only possible because their pilot knew the ship better than anybody, resized or not, and because Cerberus wasn't dumb enough to test his flight skills.

"—wrong with rounding up," Joker was saying as she stepped inside. EDI's holographic bubble was blinking in time with the words leaving her...mouth, metaphorically speaking. If Ashley didn't know any better, she'd think there was a slight scolding tone to the AI's voice.

"You busy up here?" she interrupted.

Joker visibly jumped, let out a curse, and swivelled around to look her in the eye. "You both need to stop doing that."

"You're not flying the ship. I'll be as quiet as I want."

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. What do you want?" She started to answer, but he cut her off, adding, "Playing chicken with a dreadnought was one thing, but if you're going to tell me to play chicken with the whole Migrant Fleet, I'm kicking you off the bridge."

Ashley snorted. "No, nothing so entertaining."

"Your idea of entertaining is going to get us blown up. Again, in your case."

"If I'd been blown up, I doubt I'd be standing here right now."

"Whatever you want to call it. Either way, I'm not doing anything you say unless Shepard authorizes it," Joker said. He shifted in his chair and settled his cheek in a hand, propped up on an armrest. "So what's up?"

"You busy?"

"Just arguing with mom about rounding."

"Rounding up when numbers should be rounded down?" Ashley asked, arching a brow.

Joker scoffed. "I can't believe you'd accuse me of such a thing."

She couldn't help grinning as she sat in the vacant navigator's chair. After turning it to face him, Ashley said, "I just know what you're like." He rolled his eyes dramatically and shook his head. "Anyway, I came up here to ask if you could bring up all the information you have on the Omega 4 mass relay."

Joker sat up immediately. "Like that going through will get us killed? Because that's the extent of my knowledge."

"No, flight patterns and the trajectory of ships that have passed through." He swivelled back around and brought up a screen, then flicked it towards her so it appeared on the one behind her. She turned to face it, frowned, and said, "This is just a list of ships and dates."

"Yeah, that's all I have," Joker said. "What ships went through and when contact was lost. As hard as it is to believe, Cerberus doesn't know everything. Even they don't have info like that."

Ashley leaned forward and frowned at the list. It only went back ten years, and as the list went down, it got progressively thicker, like eventually ship captains stopped getting so cocky and quit attempting to survive the relay. She imagined it would contain hundreds of names and listings if it went back to the time humans joined the rest of the galaxy in space.

"Can we get destinations for these ships?"

"What?"

"Where they were supposed to be going," she explained. "I might be able to figure something out if I can see that."

"Uh...I don't think anybody would be stupid enough to mistake a giant red mass relay for the usual blue thing," Joker said. "Anyone who went through had to have gone through on purpose."

"Yeah, well, you haven't seen how stupid some of the people in this galaxy are," Ashley retorted. "Someone's had to have mistaken it at some point."

"You have, like, zero faith in anyone."

Ashley got up, looking out the viewport, and replied, "I have faith in Shepard to get this done. I have faith in you to kick some Collector ass when we get there."

"Wow, a compliment? Thanks," he said sarcastically.

Her brows furrowed as an idea popped into her head. "EDI, cross reference that list with missing Alliance warships and remove any that don't fit. Then go to the Alliance's extranet page and use my information to log into their databases. Pull the logs on those missing ships and put the travel data on the map in the conference room."

"That will alert Alliance intelligence officers to—"

"A hit on my account. Yeah, I know. I can deal with that later. This is more important. Send Lawson to the CIC you're finished." EDI's bubble disappeared for a moment, and Ashley looked back at Joker, who was visibly confused. As a matter of fact, it wasn't hard to read Joker's body language. Ever. "You up for a walk?"

"What the hell are we doing?"

"Figuring out where this damn relay goes," Ashley explained. "We need every advantage we can get against the Collectors, and knowing where we'll be sent is step one."

The pilot sighed, took off his hat and ran his forearm across his forehead, then stuck the cap back on. "To the CIC?" Ashley nodded, offering him a hand up. Joker gave the proffered hand a wary look before accepting her help from the chair. She allowed him to take the lead, feeling only slightly guilty for dragging the guy out, but quickly dismissed those feelings. This would be worth it in the end, and if Joker had a hand in helping them figure this mess out, it would just be something else for him to brag about.

"The information you requested is displayed in red," EDI said. "Operative Lawson will meet you on the CIC."

"Thanks."

Ashley stuck to Joker's side while he made his way out to the galaxy map. While getting it done mattered more than just about anything, she didn't want to be an ass by going ahead of him, but she got the feeling taking a single step for every two he took wasn't exactly helping with that.

True to her word, Miranda was waiting near the elevator when they reached the back of the CIC. Joker stopped to lean on the edge of the terminals wrapping around the outside of the map while Ashley continued around behind it, joining the almost frail-looking ass of a executive officer the ship had. Ashley wasn't exactly on friendly terms with Miranda, but it wasn't like she was about to march into her office and scream at her like Jack had. She owed Miranda for what happened back on Horizon, which was her whole reason behind being polite and helping her out if she needed.

"What's this about?"

"I think I might be able to figure out where the relay takes us," Ashley said. "Or get a general idea."

Miranda looked genuinely surprised. "I thought you already knew. That was the impression Shepard gave me earlier."

She shook her head. "No, I know how to get through. If we can get that information...it might save us a world of hurt later on." She jerked her head in the direction of the armory and started that way. Miranda followed, as did Joker, and after picking up Jacob, the four of them piled into the small debriefing room. EDI's holographic representation of the Milky Way was already projected in the center of the room and they filled out the corners.

"Commander Shepard would like a report on what we are doing," EDI said as her bubble appeared over her terminal.

"You told him we were up to something while he was busy?"

"The Commander requested a status update on the ship. They are returning from the Rayya now."

Ashley's mouth went dry and she glanced back at the others before saying, "And Tali? How's she?"

"She appears to have been cleared of her charges," EDI reported. "Shepard is on his way to the conference room now."

Ashley ran a hand down her face. She was torn between being glad Tali was safe and being irritated Shepard was back so soon. The man was desperate for any information she could get him, and it wasn't like she wanted to get his hopes up for nothing. But an hour? What the hell went on in a quarian courtroom?

"Um...all right. EDI, mark the Omega 4 relay on the map." A marker appeared over the system, flashing. "Now what do we know about it? The relay?"

"Going through it will probably get all of us killed," Joker said.

Ashley gave him an annoyed look, but Miranda said, "It points south, relatively speaking. Back towards Sol, so it most likely links to another relay in that direction."

"Exactly. EDI, put it on the map." A red line shot from Omega across the map, following the exact path the relay would follow. It went between the local cluster and some star cluster Ashley didn't know the name off. "That's the exact flight path that gets projected on the ship when the relay is activated?"

"Yes. It would cross through the galactic core," EDI said.

"Okay, well, we all know relays can turn depending on where we're trying to go," Joker said. "It's not much turning, but...they still try to angle themselves."

"EDI, account for possible drift and any change in courses." The red line became a red zone, crossing over the glowing center of the map and fanning out to cover both the local cluster and the cluster the original line had passed between. "That leaves us with a huge portion of the galaxy that we might bounce off a connected relay."

"Nearly a fourth," Miranda said.

"More like a sixth," Jacob countered.

"Whatever, doesn't matter," Joker said. "Where are you going with this, Ash?"

She started to answer, but the door hissed open. Shepard strode inside the same instant, ripping off the white and red N7 helmet he'd been wearing. He set it on the table, let out an irritated breath, and looked at the four of them, frowning. "Don't stop on my account. EDI filled me in."

"Right," Ashley said. "Okay, take the information you got from the Alliance's database and project it in blue." Another single line started at the relay's location and shot through the map, stopping at the pulsating core. "If they all followed that exact path, get rid of the drift." EDI removed everything that wasn't the original red line, leaving it going across the imitation map, past the end of the blue line.

Ashley waited for it to sink in. The relay would send them to the galactic core, God only knows how, but that was where the data pointed. To her, it made sense. She remembered too much light and so much debris, remembered a massive ship, and if EDI was saying they were going to the core, then she'd buy it.

"Let me be the first to say...your girlfriend is insane, Commander," Joker said. "There's no way this is right."

"This is EDI's data, Joker," Ash retorted.

Shepard was staring at the map, brows creased together in a frown, as he looked to Miranda and Jacob. "What do you think?"

"I think this is insane," Jacob said.

"It's impossible," Miranda answered. "It doesn't even make sense."

"The galactic core is just a bunch of exploding stars and black holes. No one can survive that, not even the Collectors."

"The Collectors are working for the Reapers," Ashley said, bracing her hands on the table. "You're going to put it past them to have the tech to survive that?"

EDI's bubble moved from her terminal by the door to her terminal at the table, right beside Shepard's face. He didn't flinch. "It is highly possible that the Collectors have found a habitable zone at or near the core, and use Reaper IFFs to match the relay's signal. This way, they are not sent through the core itself, but to their base."

"Another reason we need that IFF," Shepard said. Ashley tried not to frown at him, but he hadn't straightened throughout the entire conversation, let alone really moved at all. He met her eyes now, face set in a determined expression. "This match everything you've seen?"

Ashley nodded. "Yes sir."

Shepard looked back to the map and sighed. "Then I'll stand by you and EDI. If they say that's where we're going, that's where we're going." Joker and Jacob both saluted, but Miranda stood there with her arms crossed. Ashley was just relieved Shepard believed them. "Joker, head back to the bridge and set a course for Tuchanka. After that, Omega, and then let Ash program whatever she needs to so we can go get this Reaper IFF. And you—" He pointed at her. "—meet us down in the cargo hold in fifteen minutes. The rest of you, dismissed."

 _So close,_ she thought. _We're so close._

Ashley didn't know if she was excited or scared.


	40. Chapter 40

With the general stress of the day over, Ashley was grateful to be returning to her allotted place in the _Normandy's_ armory. Tuchanka was definitely not a place she wanted to visit again, not after Grunt's...whatever the hell that was. It was a shitstorm; fighting varren and weird, explosive bugs, only to be stuck fighting a thresher maw on foot. She had no idea how they managed to kill that thing. By the time it was dead, Ashley had been out of ammo and covered in acidic green spit, much like Shepard and Grunt had been. Her shields hadn't been able to regenerate after that and neither had Shepard's, so they were forced to by replacement battery packs from the krogan clan—Clan Urdnot.

Needless to say, Wrex wasn't as thrilled to see her as he was to see Shepard. Not like she blamed him. After all, she'd held a gun on him before, and it wasn't like she had the opportunity to apologize. Not like she'd ever apologize, either. Krogan were dangerous. Regardless of her feelings for the turians or salarians, Ash agreed with the genophage. The krogan needed to be kept in check.

And that, naturally, made Mordin's side job all the more irritating. The four of them fought their way through swaths of Blood Pack mercenaries to save some salarian for him, but as it turned out, that salarian was with them voluntarily, working to cure the genophage. The fact that Shepard told Mordin to keep the data from his experiments only pissed her off further, and she'd been content to storm her way back up to the armory once their business on the krogan homeworld was finished.

After she'd stripped down to the uniform she wore beneath her hard suit, Ashley sat on her stool and dropped her head onto her table, groaning. A couple of her more recent wounds were still bleeding, she was pretty sure one of her ribs was cracked, and her head was pounding. That was the only thing that ever hurt, headaches. She'd have to go see Chakwas if she wanted aspirin, or she could do her usual thing and just tough it out.

"Fistfight any krogan?"

She cracked open an eye and glared across the room at the man, who could very well tell that yes, she had been stupid enough to do that. Multiple times, actually. There was a nice bruise starting on her jaw, and God forbid that heal as quickly as the rest of her body. Whatever damage was done would already have been taken care of, but that didn't mean the blood just faded. That would be there for a couple days.

Ashley decided grunting was the best response. It only made Jacob laugh.

"You're not invincible you know," he said.

She grunted again and sat up, inspecting the gray and blue hunk of burned metal. It was her chest plate, still coated in a layer of dried thresher maw spit, sporting several new holes all over. She would have to wash it off before putting it in a locker for EDI to repair. That meant _all_ of it needed washing. All the little interlocking plates, all the support material, everything, herself included. A shower would be nice, but that would be saved until later, after the bullet wounds and burns had finished healing.

"What happened down there?" Jacob asked.

"It's the krogan homeworld. That should tell you enough."

"Figure out what was wrong with Grunt?"

Ashley laughed and ran her hands through her hair, leaning over the table. "Would you believe me if I said that he hit puberty?"

He snorted a laugh. "You're joking."

"She's not." Ashley's head snapped up and she jumped to her feet, standing at attention the instant Jacob finished off his salute. Shepard was standing just inside the doorway linking the armory to the techlab and debriefing room, arms crossed as he lounged against the wall. "At ease, both of you." Ashley took that to mean she could drop back onto her stool and she rested her cheek against the cool surface of the table, allowing her eyes to drift shut.

"Anything we can do for you, sir?"

"Yeah. Can you give us a minute, Jacob? I'd like to speak with Ash privately."

She let loose a stream of mental curses as Jacob retreated for the crew deck. Why he had to go that far was beyond her, but she sat up anyway, letting out an exhausted puff of breath. When her eyes fell on the Commander, she realized he didn't look any better than she felt, and was probably in more pain than she was. There was a noticeable burn peeking out from under the collar of his shirt, his hand was wrapped in gauze, and he was still covered in dust and grime.

Shepard grabbed another stool and pulled it over, dropping onto it with an appreciative groan. "Damn, that feels nice."

"Sitting down?"

"Yep," he confirmed. "Legs are killing me. Feet, too." He sighed. "It's been a long day, Ash."

"Not nearly as long for me as it was for you," she said, shrugging. "Besides, I don't feel much of anything. Except headaches. I get those a lot."

He allowed the hint of a smile to cross his face. "Wish Cerberus had given me that luxury."

Ash smirked and looked down at her hands, shaking her head. "I'm pretty sure it's a Reaper thing, so..."

"Ah, still would've been nice. Not feeling pain, anyway."

She shrugged lamely. "I kinda miss it. I mean, it has its advantages, but if I get hurt and don't notice, I can still bleed out. Y'know, if it doesn't heal fast enough." She stared at the wall across from them now, allowing a sigh of her own to escape her lips. Her shoulders sagged. "At this point, I don't even feel like a human being anymore."

"What do you think you are, then?"

"I don't know. Someone unlucky enough to know you and have it bite them in the ass."

"A lot of my friends have it bite them in the ass."

"I'm sorry, Shepard."

"Yeah. Me too."

They both let the conversation drop. Shepard was thinking about something, it was obvious in the way his brow furrowed, and Ashley was content to enjoy the company. That being said, it didn't mean she didn't want to talk. Hell, the _Normandy_ was so quiet that she had to focus on the sound of her own breathing on most days to block out the voices she heard, and even then it was sometimes too difficult. Those were the days she went and actively sought out people to talk to, like Garrus or Tali.

But that didn't mean she'd break the comfortable silence they had right now. She didn't want to make him even remotely suspicious of what was going on. Not because she enjoyed it, but because it was something she had to deal with on her own. There wasn't any way to stop indoctrination. She knew she was a lost cause, but she didn't want to drop it on Shepard. He didn't need to worry about her more than he already did.

Damned if that meant she'd go away quietly. If anyone was going to kick off the Reapers' indoctrination by sheer force of will, Ashley planned to be that person. So far, so good. No Reaper-y urges yet.

"We both smell like ass," Shepard suddenly said.

Ashley tried not to laugh. "You could've taken a shower before coming down."

"Probably should have," he admitted, chuckling. "You don't mind?"

"Pfft, no. I smell like ass too. Ass, sweat, krogan, vorcha, and blood."

"This room's gonna stink later," he said absentmindedly, looking over his shoulder towards Jacob's workstation. "Hope he doesn't mind."

Ashley waved a hand dismissively. "That's what air freshener is for."

Shepard smiled as he reached for a part of her hard suit. He studied it for a while, then put it back where he got it from. "Cerberus put a lot of money into you, Ash."

"Put a lot of money into you, too."

"Just bringing me back. You got all these upgrades and a suit of armor that can dish out as much damage as you want it to."

"You got your ship back."

He smiled again, though it was more of a mischievous smirk that made Ashley's eyes narrow suspiciously. "Got you back too, so...not a total loss."

He started laughing the instant the words left his mouth, but she wasn't sure if that was because he was proud of himself or the dumbstruck look on her face. It took her a minute to figure out what to say, but even then, she still couldn't find the words. She snapped her jaw shut and settled for staring at the wall. All she did was scoff and shake her head, biting her tongue in a vain attempt to keep from laughing. What started out as a fit of giggles ended up being a full-blown laugh. It was so ridiculous that she didn't even have the energy to be embarrassed by giggling.

"That was... _so_ bad," she managed. "And _so_ sappy."

"Figured we might not have the chance to be sappy later," Shepard said. "I'm a sappy guy, so I had to get that off my chest before we go through the relay. You know. Just in case."

"Yeah, well...if anyone can get us through this, it's you."

"You think we can do this?"

Ashley took a deep breath to help calm herself down. "The team's on board with the plans you've given us. As much as we hate each other, we know what's at stake. There's no one on this ship who isn't ready to take down the Collectors."

"And after?"

"I can't speak for everyone else, but I've got your back." She took another deep breath, focused on the wall again. She'd never been good with feelings, much less so after spending two years without them. Few things processed correctly for her. "No matter what. You need me, I'll be there." She paused, thought about it. "Sir."

"Ash, I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but the 'sir' ruined it."

"I'm trying!" she said defensively.

He grinned. "Remind me to get you a collection of poems some time. Might make it easier for you."

"Yeah, laugh it up. Ha ha, I'm bad with words. Hilarious." Shepard chuckled and shook his head, not one bit surprised. "But you didn't come down here for sappy crap conversations. So what's really up, Skipper? We've got things to do and you're not the type to be wasting time with me."

He nodded, instantly slapping on his Commander face, and swallowed before saying, "Need anything?"

She blinked, frowned. That was it? "What?"

"Do you need anything? Want to run off to some random star system to save some damsel in distress, fix a broken relationship with a family member, kill someone that wronged you?"

Her frown deepened. "Uh...no? Why would I?"

"Everyone else did. You hadn't said anything, so I figured I should come ask while we still had the chance. After we get that IFF, we're hitting the relay. No pitstops, nothing."

"I handle things on my own. You don't need to buy my loyalty or something."

It was his turn to frown. "Really? That's...surprising." Her brows shot up and he added, "Not in a bad way. It's a good surprise, Ash. Seriously. It's just literally everyone has asked me for something to help them get closure. I don't have a problem with it, not with what I'm asking from them, but..." He shrugged. "I don't know. I didn't think it would be fair to leave you of all people hanging."

"I don't need anything," Ashley said. He let out a relieved, if exhausted, sigh, and folded his arms over the table before resting his head on them. Something compelled her to mimic him, and when she did, he smiled. It tugged at one of his fading scars, the one along his jaw, the same exact one she kept staring at pretty much every single time they talked. She noticed it when it first appeared months ago, watched it fade, and watched it come back only to start fading again. Ashley had been there when Chakwas told him a positive outlook would help them heal, but what human was going to always be happy? It just wasn't possible.

"You're staring."

"Like you're not staring at me too."

He smirked. The scar twitched with his mouth. "I can't help it. The other day, I realized how lucky I am. Not many people get a second chance to fix what they fucked up, but I did."

"You mean me."

"Yeah, it didn't come out as great as it could've."

Ashley shrugged a shoulder. "Maybe not. The idea was sweet." He gave a half smile and she reached out for his arm, folding her fingers through his. It was an awkward position and it pulled at the tendons in her arm, but she didn't care. Not like she could feel the pain anyway. "Are you all right?"

"Aside from the normal fear and constant anxiety I feel for everyone on this ship? Yep. Perfect."

"So talk to me."

"About what? It's nothing you wouldn't expect."

She rested her chin on her outstretched arm and said, "You helped me. Let me help you." Shepard shook his head as he swallowed, forcing his eyes elsewhere. That wasn't going to work. No matter how many times Ashley had tried to pull that card on him, it still didn't faze him. "Kyler, please."

His eyes flicked back to hers. "There you go again, using my first name."

"It gets your attention."

"You're the only person that's ever used it. Except my family, at least."

"You've only got your mom left."

Shepard frowned. "And? So what?"

"So it sucks. I don't know. It just came to mind, so I said it."

His frown deepened. "Nothing just 'comes to mind' with you. You had to think about it."

"Not really," she admitted. "It's...easier remembering you. Things you've said, things you've done. I don't have to think about it most of the time. I just...know."

"Oh really? What's my middle name?"

"Adam."

"Favorite color?"

"Blue. Alliance blue."

"First posting?"

"That's a trick question. You went out with your friends after finishing basic and ended up with a Star of Terra."

"First posting," he repeated.

Ashley rolled her eyes. "SSV _Toronto_ after you completed N3 training."

"Hmm," he said. "You might be onto something."

"I told you the truth," Ashley retorted. "I just know these things. Like you just know my sisters' names, or how you just know Joker's real name is Jeff. It's just there. I remember because it's important to me."

"Knowing my favorite color is important to you?"

"It's important to you," she said with a shrug. "Whatever's important to you is important to me. _You're_ important to me. That's why I want to know what's bothering you."

Shepard sighed and closed his eyes. "This was part of your plan, wasn't it?"

"Maybe. Maybe not."

He snorted as his eyes opened. "You're a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for." Ashley laughed once, softly, as a smile crept over her face. "All right, fine. I'm worried about what we'll find on the other side of that relay. I'm worried about what will happen when we hook up Reaper tech to the _Normandy._ I'm worried that some of us won't make it back, or all of us. I'm worried that Thane won't get to see his son turn his life around, or that Miranda won't get to know Oriana. I'm afraid that everything I'm doing right now will mean nothing in the end. I don't want to have wasted my time running around in circles only to fail when it really matters. I don't want to find out that there's nothing we can do to stop the Collectors. I don't want to know what they've been doing with all the humans they've taken, and I don't want to get there only for the colonists to die _because_ we're there.

"I don't want to get anyone else killed for no reason," he finished. "I see their faces, you know. Every night. The civilians I lost on Elysium, the friends that I got killed when I left them to protect the colony. They told me to go protect these kids, and I listened because I didn't realize the magnitude of what was going on. And you know what? Those kids didn't even make it. Their transport was shot down almost as soon as it took off. My friends, my squad, died because I was the only one who had a shot at saving those kids' lives, and it didn't matter because they still ended up dead. So much for being one of the most terrifying biotics in the field. It doesn't count for shit unless I can see my enemy."

Ashley didn't know what to say. What _could_ she say? When she'd first been reassigned to Anderson's command, Shepard had been larger than life. One of the few Star of Terra recipients, first human Spectre. Their very first conversation, Ashley had said it was an honor for him to be so welcoming because of that medal. Granted, by the time he'd been named a Spectre, they already had some sort of rapport going, and they'd been in enough gunfights together that he seemed like any other marine. But that never got rid of her own sense of hero worship—he'd single-handedly held off the invasion at Elysium. It never once crossed her mind that it might've left him feeling guilty, or that he might blame himself for the people he lost rather than be proud of those he saved.

It was a cruel reality of life. Shepard was a hero, no doubt, but he clearly didn't feel like it. She knew that to an extent beforehand, when he'd casually mention it only to wave it aside seconds later. There was always something there, hidden away in his eyes. It was there now, too. So much guilt and remorse and regret. She didn't want to know what that felt like, knowing you only got some big award at the cost of your friend's life. His whole squad in Shepard's case.

Ashley wouldn't drop heaps of pity on him; it wasn't like her, and Shepard wasn't the kind of man to want someone's pity. But it wasn't like she could relate. Not really. Shepard had, once again, saved an entire colony from certain destruction when he'd found her, hauling ass from the geth overrunning Eden Prime. She lost her squad too, but she didn't have to live with the guilt of benefitting from it like he did. She didn't have to watch an entire colony burn, protect it on her own. Shepard had come and saved the day, like he always did.

She sighed, pulled her hand from his, and something in the way his face fell made her heart ache. It quickly corrected itself when she reached out to touch his cheek, brushing her thumb over his cheekbone as he frowned. It wasn't what he expected her to do, that's for sure.

"I'm surprised," he said. "The last girlfriend I told about that bailed because I 'wasn't what she expected.'"

"That's a shitty thing to do," she said. "It's not something that'll be easy to deal with, but Jesus, you don't take off because holy shit, there's a marine whose had it rough. What the hell did she want from you? I don't know any marine that's had it easy. You're not going to be an exception."

He shrugged. "She wanted me to be."

"You deserve better than that."

Shepard shook his head once. "I already know you're better than she was, Ash, so don't worry about it."

"I'm going to worry about you whether or not you want me to. I told you I wanted you to be happy, didn't I? How the hell do you walk around with that all day?"

"I don't know. I just do it. Forgetting it when I have my crew to worry about isn't as hard as you'd think."

Ashley sighed again and tucked her arm back under her head, staring at him. He looked like he always did, confident and ready to take on whatever the galaxy threw at him next. For a half a second, she wondered just how stupid she really was. How the heck did she not see that, any of that, coming? She knew it bothered him, but not to that extent.

"Look, Shepard. I'm sorry. I really, really am, but there's nothing you can do to change what happened. I know that's the same thing everyone will tell you, but it's true. You did the best you could in a crappy situation. You saved hundreds of lives and I'm sure the people on Elysium thank God everyday for having you there. No one expected you to save the entire damn colony. It was above what anyone would've asked of you, but you still did it, and you won. So let it go. Stop blaming yourself for what you didn't do, and start thinking about what you did."

"It's not that easy."

"I know, but you have to. Your friends wouldn't have wanted you to mope about it, would they? You followed your orders. It's not like they knew the batarians would kill those kids. It was your officer's order, not yours."

He swallowed and sat up. So did she. "Yeah. You're right. I mean, I've known that for years, but...that doesn't make it any easier. I guess I needed to hear someone else say it."

"I hope it helps."

"It will, eventually. I'll never forgive myself for fucking up so many times on that colony, but maybe it'll help me realize I did do some good."

"You did," she said forcefully. "Sometimes you just have to accept that you've done everything in your power, even when it wasn't enough."

A small, sad smile stretched across his lips. "I said that to you."

"It stuck with me," Ashley said. "I figured you needed to hear it again."

"Thanks, Ash."

She nodded. "I'm here for you. Whatever you need."

"Good, because right now I need you to get a shower. We're hunting a serial killer that uses sex and attraction as her weapon, and I don't think two smelly idiots with guns will help Samara catch her."

Ashley caught onto the humor immediately and grinned. "I don't need to smell like a fruitcake to shoot bad guys."

He laughed. "You're not wrong, but I doubt it'll help us track Samara's daughter down. Go grab a shower, get your armor fixed up and your stuff ready. We might be bouncing across the entire galaxy, but that doesn't mean we can't be ready when we get to Omega."

"Not going to try to squeeze a nap in there?"

"I'm a man. I don't need a three hour shower." Ashley scoffed as he laughed at his own joke, but he quickly waved it aside. "We'll be there late enough that all of us should be able to grab some shuteye before docking. Make the most of your free time."

"Yes sir."

Shepard nodded as he said, "I'll think about what you said. Right now, see you later."

"Later Skipper."

Ashley watched as he retreated through the door to the CIC, a small smile worming its way onto her lips. That man was a bigger mess than he let on, but he was her mess, and she wouldn't change it for the world.


	41. Chapter 41

Truth be told, Shepard felt a little out of place in the apartment he was currently occupying. Not only was it the home of a serial killer, but he was unarmed, wearing civilian clothes, and _trapped_ with said serial killer. Shepard wasn't a nervous man, but being stuck with any bloodthirsty asari would unnerve many humans. He doubted his biotics would be much use against hers. Tough by human standards, little more than a toothpick by asari. Shepard wasn't trained for biotic-on-biotic combat; his job on any mission tended to be shock and awe, and as a vanguard, he liked to think he did his job pretty well. He ever had to fight another biotic, he was sure they could pulverize him. His skills were best used close quarters, not at range, and he'd bet Kaidan could even kick his ass if given the chance...and reason.

He wandered around aimlessly, inspecting the various artifacts Morinth had collected over the centuries. Occasionally she'd pipe up and comment on one he was staring at, giving a little back story to each one, and he could definitely tell she was Samara's daughter. Their resemblance was uncanny, but there was a certain lilt to her voice that was distinctly the justicar's. Most asari didn't bear an accent; Morinth had the same faint one Samara did. But unlike Samara, Morinth put infliction into her words, and he imagined that was part of the reason she was such an effective killer. That, and all the creepy advantages her particular condition gave her. Then again, he wasn't sure if all the sex appeal came from being an Ardat-Yakshi, or if it came from centuries of practice. Probably a mix of both. An unhealthy mix.

Eventually, Shepard wandered down to the lower level, hopping rather than walking down the steps in a show of the half-excited, half-anxious adrenaline coursing through his veins. Still, he made sure to project that air of confidence any Alliance officer bore. Morinth had every advantage over him at the moment, and the only thing that might keep him from dying would depend solely on his own willpower. Faking confidence tended to give him some. If he thought he was brave, it usually held true.

As he milled about, sole purpose and interest in the apartment stemming from his own desire to walk out its doors alive, Shepard caught sight of an assault rifle mounted on the wall. It piqued his curiosity, mostly because he recognized a familiar model, as a potential weapon should anything go amiss. Fortunately for him, when he lifted it free of its brackets, the weight proved true. It was loaded. He wasn't surprised Morinth travelled with a loaded gun, but he was surprised she let him look at it so closely.

On the walk to her apartment, he'd casually answered her questions about him. They were simple, trivial things, like who he was and what he did for a living. He was compelled to lie; it wouldn't make any sense for him to accidentally tip her off to his real motives. Regardless, Shepard was truthful to a fault. The Alliance had ingrained honesty in him, as had his parents, and he'd been painfully honest with Morinth. He was just glad she didn't ask for specifics about what he was doing on Omega.

He ran his fingers over the barrel of the rifle, allowing a small smile to crack his features. It reminded him of the Lancer he carried throughout most of his hunt for Saren. A good gun. Reliable, solid under fire. It was one of the few Alliance models that hadn't shifted over to the thermal clip phase, and stuck with the venting system. After so long carrying a gun with clips, he wasn't sure he liked the old venting style, but nonetheless, that didn't mean he couldn't use it should he have to. And lucky him, Morinth wanted a functioning gun nearby, so that vent system was still loaded into its compartment.

Shepard replaced the Lancer on its mount and looked above it, up at the sword. Thin, slightly curved, but much shorter than the swords it made him think of. Leng's. "Fencing?"

"I was into fencing for a while," Morinth said.

"Seems like something you'd be into," Shepard replied, taking a few steps towards the small roundtable with a lamp. There was a pink pill bottle, probably full of Hallex, and opening it confirmed his suspicions. Tiny little white things, odorless, about the equivalent of old date rape drugs back on Earth. Easy high, easy way to get into someone's pants. Didn't surprise him that Morinth liked it.

"Have a Hallex if you want."

 _Yeah, no thanks._

He set the bottle back down as she continued, "But wouldn't you rather your senses be clear for what's about to come? I know I do."

Shepard could imagine the faces of his crew when he explained today's escapades. Garrus' eyes would bug outta his head before he laughed, Tali would be mortified. Ash would be annoyed, but she was always annoyed when she couldn't be right beside him on a mission. He wasn't ready to admit he understood the feeling. He didn't like dismissing her just as much as she didn't like being dismissed.

After he realized he'd been all over the modest apartment, Shepard gave in to what Morinth obviously wanted, and sat on the couch. The conversation that lapsed wasn't something he paid any attention to; he was focusing on keeping his head on straight. It wasn't an easy task, keeping himself calm and ignoring whatever the heck power Morinth was attempting to exercise on him. Several times he zoned out as words left his mouth. He didn't even notice she was sitting close enough to practically be on top of him until he felt her breath on his face. He almost flinched from the abruptness of it.

That flinch, unfortunately, was broke his concentration. Everything about Morinth was suddenly so much more important than whatever he'd been thinking about seconds before. The way she looked, the way she smelled, hell, the way she was _shaped._ He wanted to groan. She was so terrifyingly perfect, and yet, Shepard knew something was wrong. He didn't want to admit it to himself, but he knew there was.

Morinth's voice was distant. "Isn't that what you want, Shepard?"

 _Huh?_

He was confused. He'd been lost in trying to figure out just what exactly was wrong with his present situation that he had somehow managed to save himself from...well, himself. And Morinth, but mostly himself. Giving in would be entirely his fault. What happened afterwards would fall on Morinth, but getting that far was up to him.

"I don't think you're going to get what you expected tonight."

"But what are you—?" Confusion flicked across Morinth's face and blackened eyes, but understanding quickly dawned on her expression. Her eyes faded back to the blue all asari possessed. "I see the bitch found a little helper."

He wasn't exactly sure how to get himself out of his current position, trapped by Morinth's hand and a distorted fist probably crackling with enough biotic force to smash his face in, but luckily, he didn't have to. The sound of Samara's voice was a sweet relief; Morinth quickly extracted herself from his side and was on her feet, biotics now focused on her mother. He got up just as fast, moving clear of the younger asari so he wouldn't get caught in whatever crossfire would occur, but the drama resolved itself just as fast.

Somehow, Morinth had thrown off Samara's hold over her, falling from the place the justicar trapped her in, and recovered easily enough to end up locked in a strange sort of duel with her mother. The strength of their biotics lifted most of the furniture into the artificial air, and both demanded he save them.

"I'm as strong as she is! Let me join you!"

"I'm already sworn to your service, Shepard. Finish this!"

His head whipped between the two. How the hell did it always fall to him to make the decision? And why did the bad guys always think he'd spare them? Shepard knew he tended to be a bigger softie than he should be, but he was still capable of killing people. He did it everyday.

 _What dumbass expects me to kill my friend for them?_

Shepard didn't really need to think about who to stop. He grabbed Morinth's arm, pulled it back. She actually looked offended, like she seriously thought he'd save her. "End of the line."

Samara knocked Morinth off her feet with a biotic blast and Shepard stepped back to give her some space. Even as the asari pushed herself back along the floor, Samara stalked after her. She bent over the other woman, grabbed her by the throat, and even as the same old prayer left Samara's mouth, Shepard forced himself to look away. Watching a mother kill her daughter wasn't something he wanted to add to the list of things he'd seen.

He heard a crunch. It was more of a gurgle followed by a meaty thwacking sound, but it was just as nauseating as he imagined watching it would be. Shepard waited for Samara to appear in his field of view before saying, "Are you all right?"

"Shepard, I just killed the bravest and smartest of my daughters. There are no words."

He simply nodded. "Let's get back to the ship."

"Understood, Commander."

* * *

Shepard was still wearing the civilian gear when he stepped into the cockpit, where Joker was, unsurprisingly, arguing with EDI and Ashley about installing Reaper tech into the ship. EDI seemed more like a mediator between the two of them while Ashley seemed content to ignore everything Joker said, and vice versa.

"How about you both shut up for five seconds?" he snapped, stopping beside Joker's seat. To the pilot's credit, he didn't jump like he usually did. He scowled, but he didn't say a word. "Now what the hell is going on?"

"I was explaining why installing Reaper tech is the dumbest thing we've done next to leaving Cerberus," Joker said.

"I was explaining why it's necessary," Ashley said.

Shepard sighed as he ran a hand down his face. He tried to be a patient man, but he really didn't have the energy to deal with either of them. "It's stupid because it's necessary, all right? Both of you need to cut the crap. Joker, there's no other way to get through the relay. And Ash, it's his ship. Joker has every right to be skeptical. I don't like this anymore than either of you do, but it has to be done, and we're doing it. _Carefully._ Do I make myself clear?"

They both gave a reluctant affirmative and Shepard nodded to himself, satisfied. Both of them were pains in the ass.

"Joker, get ready to hit the mass relay. I want our ETA as soon as the coordinates are punched in on the galaxy map."

"Aye aye, Commander."

"Ash, CIC. Now. EDI, have my team assemble in the debriefing room. Pull whatever schematics you can from Cerberus' databases. I want to know everything about this Reaper we're boarding." While the AI went to work on her orders, Shepard led Ashley from the bridge down to the galaxy map. He felt out of place again, considering he was on a warship and wearing loafers. He'd rather wear the Cerberus uniform stashed in his armor locker.

Shepard hopped up the few steps to the platform overlooking the galaxy map and brought it out of their current star system to view the whole thing. When he looked back to Ashley, she wasn't paying much attention to him, but glaring at Chambers' back while she worked. "Williams!"

She snapped to attention. "Sir!"

"Where the hell are we going?" he demanded.

"Hawking Eta, sir. Thorne system. There's a brown dwarf on the edge of the cluster. The Reaper is stuck in its orbit."

"This thing is dead, right?"

Ashley nodded once. "Yes, sir. Cerberus believes a mass accelerator weapon disabled it in a previous cycle."

He frowned as he zoomed in on the indicated area, hesitating over the planet she'd directed him to. "And how do you know about this?"

"I remember the Illusive Man talking about it," she said smoothly. "If Wilson hadn't convinced Jacob that destroying the Lazarus Project was necessary, I imagine I'd be on that Reaper with the science team right now. Y'know, to see if being implanted with Reaper tech makes you immune or more susceptible to indoctrination."

Shepard shook his head and selected the dwarf's coordinates before rejoining her. "You have a theory on that?"

Ashley shrugged. "The Reaper's dead, Commander. As far as I'm concerned, that means it's safe. For me, anyway. Kind of. I'm not sure how to explain what I mean." This time he nodded, beckoning her to follow as he went for the debriefing room. As they passed through the armory, he noted Jacob's absence, and assumed Mordin would also be there already. "I don't think it's going to try to indoctrinate us, to be exact. Me included. It takes time for the indoctrination to really set in, and despite that, the Reaper is dead. I doubt grabbing its IFF will take long enough for your team to be affected."

"Nothing wrong with that," he said.

"If anything," Ashley continued as the door hissed open, "the Reaper will have affected Cerberus' science team, and we'll have a few armed guards to deal with." Shepard listened with half an ear, nodding because it just sounded like it made sense, and allowed his eyes to run over the room. Debugged by Trakes, who was standing proudly at attention like he always did. He was standing at the usual place any Alliance officer would be found, at the front corner of the table, waiting for his superior to tell him to relax. Jacob and Mordin were also there, as expected, talking about something Shepard didn't care to eavesdrop on.

"Reapers, sir?" Trakes asked.

"Just the ship if we're lucky, Lieutenant," Shepard answered. "At ease."

He nodded. "Sir." The man fell in beside Ashley when she took her own place beside him, but Shepard continued around to the head of the table, bracing the palms of his hands against the cool, lacquered wood.

"EDI, find anything?" he asked.

Her hologram appeared over the center of the table's cutaway as she said, "Not much, Commander. I have records for each member of the science team and their plans for boarding the derelict Reaper, but their communications with Cerberus command cut off shortly after boarding. The file on the project hasn't been opened in several weeks and evidence suggests the end of communication is from something on their side."

The door opened and Miranda entered with a large chunk of his crew, Garrus and Tali included. Good. They'd be hitting the ship with him. He wanted to keep numbers minimal, but in his experience, anything having to do with Reapers might require a small army of soldiers. Tali was no soldier, but she'd dealt with the Reapers before.

"Do you have any schematics for their op center?"

"Yes, Commander," EDI said. "It's a traditional layout, following most guidelines for any foreign touchdown. They planned to use the Reaper's frame to build off of."

Shepard looked over the people assembled. Miranda, Thane, Samara, Kasumi, Jacob, Mordin, Trakes, Ashley, Garrus, Tali. They were waiting for most of the crew from engineering. Why Tali had managed to catch a ride up with the rest of them was something he didn't want to argue about. The faster they had this meeting over, the better.

"Commander, Thorne system ETA about two hours. I'll let you know when we hit the relay," Joker said over the intercom.

"Good work," he said. "Get us there and be ready for anything."

"Aye aye, sir."

After a few more minutes of listening to his crew's hushed whispers, the doors opened again to reveal Jack, Grunt, and Zaeed. Shepard nodded to himself again, satisfied, and stood up straight, clasping his arms firmly behind his back. Ashley and Trakes straightened up when he did; they were marines and he was their commanding officer. He looked professional and serious, they would look professional and serious.

"EDI, display your layout of the team's op base," Shepard ordered. A moment later, a bluish white hologram came up in place of her bubble. It was an overhead view of the docking port, two tiny labs, and one rec room, dedicated to sleeping quarters, relaxation, and anything involving food prep. It wasn't dissimilar to an Alliance forward operating base, save the fact that it also had a port linking it to a Reaper.

"They won't be expecting us," Miranda said. "If their systems are down, we might have to break into the airlocks."

"Easy enough," Trakes chimed in. The glare he got in response made him shrug. "If you know what to do in zero gravity, anyway."

"If that's the case, we have three people certified to work in those conditions, Lieutenant," Shepard interrupted. Even though the statement was verbally directed at Trakes, his eyes locked on his second-in-command's, fixing her with a challenging stare. Miranda didn't seem to notice, so he dismissed it, and continued, "I called you all up here to discuss what we're walking into. I know you all signed up for this knowing you might die, but no one signed up for indoctrination. We're boarding a Reaper. It's dead, but Reaper tech is unpredictable, and I wouldn't be surprised if the Cerberus team ended up indoctrinated anyway."

"It's still effective, classified as 'dead' or not," Ashley cut in. "Otherwise...I wouldn't be standing here."

Shepard inclined his head in her direction and she nodded once, mouth set in a firm line. "There you go. Whatever effects a Reaper can have on you while it's alive can still bite us in the ass now. So we're making this quick. Get in, find the IFF, and get out. That being said, nothing is ever easy, and I doubt we'll have an easy time once we're inside. Anybody has any objections, speak up now, or risk coming onto the Reaper with me."

No one said a word. Shepard was surprised, but proud. These were his friends; he'd stood by them, and they were going to stand by him. Loyalty meant a lot to him.

"Good," Shepard muttered. He relaxed his stance and allowed his arms to hang at his sides, but only so he could shove his hands into the pockets of his civilian pants. "I want you all suited up and ready to deploy, just in case. We're hitting the Omega 4 relay once this is over, and I want everyone ready for what's to come."

He just wished he knew what that would be.


	42. Chapter 42

As much as Shepard hated to admit it, he was glad to be in his Cerberus uniform again. It felt more natural, more militaristic, than the civilian clothes, and it helped him feel at home on his ship. The fact that he had to climb straight into his hard suit multiplied the feeling immensely. He was a marine at heart, always had been, and standing in his armor made him remember why. He had wanted to protect people as a kid, had his entire life, and nothing made him more proud than the day he swore the Oath of Service.

"Commander, we've entered the Thorne system," Joker radioed. "ETA to the Reaper about fifteen minutes."

"Roger that," he answered quickly. Shepard already had his gear ready, hard suit painted a shimmery, almost iridescent, purple to match the color of the lone Reaper he'd seen, and had his guns laid out on his bed, along with the various packs of ammo he kept on his person. He equipped each and every one of them, locking the packs into place on his thighs, hips, and upper arms before grabbing his weapons. The pistol went into its holster on his hip, the shotgun to the small of his back, and the collapsible Avenger-class assault rifle onto his shoulders. Lastly, he grabbed his helmet and made for the elevator as he put it on. The display activated immediately, shield and oxygen levels appearing in the lower corner of the visor.

He snapped the mouthpiece shut before bringing up his omni-tool. It synched with his hard suit's computer and he sent off a quick message to the same person he usually sent one to—Ashley. She went just about everywhere with him, and the crew knew it. They worked well together, covering strengths and weaknesses when it came down to it, and if Shepard ever had to pick one person to get in a firefight with, it would be her. She was a better shot, skilled at the martial arts each marine knew, and was level-headed in a fight. He had his biotics, which pretty much filled in any gaps her training didn't, and they both tended to think along the same lines during any sort of fighting. Half the time, Shepard didn't have to give her orders because she was already doing whatever he needed her to, and that synchronization tended to be the one thing that saved their asses.

Bringing Ashley to the station was a no-brainer. If any fighting erupted, Shepard would need that level of efficiency they brought to a battlefield. Not to mention Ashley knew most ways around Cerberus firewalls and software protection, and she was the one that had the most knowledge of the Reapers. It hadn't taken him very long to figure out that Cerberus hadn't touched the skills she already possessed, but added onto them. Turning her into a frighteningly effective tech specialist, he wondered how the Alliance still had any classified information. She knew the _Normandy's_ systems better than any member of his crew and learned anything she needed faster than he saw EDI process information.

She met him at the elevator on the main deck. Her hard suit was painted its traditional white with black accents and she had her helmet on, visor snapped shut like his. It reminded him of when they'd first boarded the ship, and how terrifying she'd been before he found out who she was. She killed with a ruthless efficiency he didn't recognize, moved with a fluidity no soldier possessed, and knew more things about him than even he did. He wasn't sure what had caused that fear to fade, but he suspected it was a mix between his own feelings and Ashley's own readjustment to the personality he knew. What still disturbed him was that flawless memory, how quickly she could understand an entirely knew concept. Save the memories Cerberus had damaged, Ashley's memory was about as perfect as Thane's, and he had to wonder what all she'd seen and reported back to Cerberus without even leaving a trace of her ever seeing.

Shepard hadn't seriously thought about all the changes Cerberus dropped on her in a long time. Stronger, faster, and while she'd never admit to it, smarter. A lot of it was a side effect of her corpse's exposure to Reaper tech and the Reaper tech Cerberus installed in her, but he didn't think Ashley even knew just how much she changed. There was still a lot of her original self there, too much for any of the changes to make an impact on someone who didn't know what she was like, but he could see them, no matter how subtle. In the way she carried herself, the way she controlled her sense of humor and sarcasm. They always jumped out at him.

There were ways she was the exact same person as before. She didn't change physically, not that he noticed. Or that he wanted to admit to noticing, to be exact. Her psych profile didn't suggest any changes, save the deeper resentment for Cerberus and the mental scarring that dying and coming back to life left on a person. The laughter was more muted, but still came exactly when he expected it to.

Cerberus had wanted a super soldier. They had gotten one. Whatever they'd done, Ashley's body hadn't rejected it like Leng's did. She adapted to it, and the product of that adaptation kept worming its way into Shepard's head at every waking hour of every single day. And while they weren't exactly discreet about what was going on between them, he didn't doubt that Ashley would kill him in a second if Cerberus ordered her to. He'd seen her fight off that control several times, but nothing lasted forever, and it wasn't a matter of if, but when it would happen. As much as he trusted Ash, there were things beyond her power to control, and when Cerberus became a problem, she would become a liability.

Shepard forced his thoughts down, looked out the open viewports to the vastness of space. Ahead of the _Normandy,_ he could see a brownish red haze of clouds as they approached the given coordinates, and very briefly, he wondered if Ashley knew what the heck she was talking about. He stole a glance at her, but with that visor shut, it was impossible to tell what was going through that head of hers.

He looked back at the clouds they were approaching as the _Normandy_ banked towards them. "Recommendations?"

Out of the corner of his eye, Shepard saw her stand up a little straighter at the question. "Trakes, Commander. We need to work fast and as a unit, and he's dealt with Reaper forces on Horizon. I would say Garrus, sir, but..." She trailed off with a shrug, but Shepard knew what she meant. And while Trakes had the tendency to be a cocky, arrogant, sarcastic little shit, the lieutenant typically lived up to the standards he set for himself.

Just as he hit send on the order for Trakes to report to the bridge, the _Normandy_ gave a hard jerk. The abruptness nearly knocked his feet out from beneath him, but he locked a hand around Joker's chair and slapped a hand down on the edge of his terminal, righting himself. The pilot smacked the button to secure his safety harness before frantically trying to compensate.

"What's with the chop, Joker?"

"Sorry Commander," he said. "Wind is gusting. It's hitting up to five hundred kilometers per hour."

It didn't last for long. As the ship trooped on, the wind gusts became progressively more powerful and it became increasingly difficult for Shepard to remain upright. Then it just...stopped.

"What the hell was that?"

"The Reaper still has mass effect fields up," Ashley said. "This is going to be harder than I thought."

Before he could repeat his previous question, Joker said, "Short range scanners are picking up a pair of ships in the vicinity of the Reaper. One appears to be geth. The other one is an unmarked frigate. It matches one of the signatures from Virmire, Commander."

"This just got a whole lot more complicated," Shepard grumbled. He saw Ashley nod her agreement. "Bring us in, Joker. Carefully. I can't imagine why the geth are here, but if that Cerberus frigate is still flying, they could be working together. Be ready for anything."

"Aye aye," the pilot said.

He bumped Ashley with his arm and nodded at the door before heading out. She followed him to the port side airlock and there they waited for their third member. While they waited, Shepard reached back for his assault rifle and loaded a thermal clip into it, turning off the safety just as he adopted a relaxed stance. Ashley did something similar with her own rifle, but it made Shepard frown.

"Figure out a way past the backpack?" he asked.

She glanced up at him, brows furrowing. The visor of her new helmet wasn't tinted like the last, but Shepard wasn't sure if he liked being able to see it when she was trying to gauge whether he deserved a serious response or a smartass remark.

"Yes," she replied. Unlike him, Ashley had a three-round burst, the Vindicator, and was far more efficient with it than he was. "It's stupid carrying nothing but a handgun."

So it was going to be one of _those_ days. "Works for some people," he said casually, trying to bait her into another response.

Ashley fixed him with a disturbingly intent stare and Shepard cleared his throat, bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet. "I'm not a biotic." Straightforward. He sighed. He hated it when she got like this. "I need a real weapon."

"You're a weapon," Shepard said flatly.

"I'm not much good in a real firefight if the team has to worry about shooting me," Ashley retorted. "You want to see me work the way Cerberus intended, drop me in a hallway with gunmen. Otherwise, deal with it this way."

"I didn't say it was a problem."

"You didn't have to."

Shepard sighed again. "You're a real piece of work when you get like this." She shrugged a shoulder lazily and shut off her battle rifle's safety just as Trakes rounded the corner. He was in his hard suit and had his helmet on, visor snapped shut like the rest of them, and had his rifle clipped to his back. Being a sniper, Trakes' visor was blackened to keep out any glare and unwanted rays of light, but he was predictable enough that Shepard didn't need to see his eyes or face to know what was going through his head.

"Commander," he said, nodding his head once.

They entered the airlock and Shepard entered the codes in the keypad to start the docking process. Not much had to be done during the departure, but they had to go through several waves of decontamination before being allowed back on the ship. On top of that, Shepard had ordered Chambers to evaluate them immediately for any signs of indoctrination, and for Chakwas to examine them. It was going to be a pain in the ass, but it was better safe than sorry with the Reapers.

"Shepard, I'm unable to access docking protocols on the station," EDI reported.

He shouldered his assault rifle. "Guess we're doing this the hard way. Thanks, EDI." Shepard turned back to his team, pointed at Trakes, and said, "Stay back here until we get the airlock opened." Then to Ashley, "You get it open. I'll cover you."

They both nodded. "Yes sir!"

The _Normandy's_ systems beeped, giving them the all-clear, and Shepard hit the release for the door. They had gravity now, but he highly doubted they would once they jumped off the ship. Inside, definitely, but outside, breaking in? No.

He didn't look past the silver door. He didn't want to see another one, wasn't ready for it. Shepard just took a few steps back, braced himself, and took a running leap. Surprisingly enough, even after he'd left the _Normandy's_ protective barriers, Shepard still felt gravity yanking him down, pulling him towards the mess of a planet below. He didn't let the surprise catch him off-guard, but he still had to reach out and grab one of the maintenance handholds. After hauling himself aboard the tiny platform, Shepard turned to wave Ashley over. She took the leap in stride, landing right beside him without much, if any, visible effort. He'd needed to pull himself up, but she hit the floor.

Shepard frowned when she didn't start working on the keypad nearby, instead opting to listen to what was going on on the other side of the airlock. How she could hear past that escaped him, but he imagined it was more freaky Reaper shit he didn't want to know about. A few seconds later, she gave him a thumbs-up and got to work. Within minutes, Ashley had the airlock opened, and while Shepard stayed behind to make sure Trakes made the jump, she clicked on her flashlight and went inside. Not long thereafter, he heard another door behind them open and the one Trakes had just pulled himself through slid shut.

Overhead, lights flickered on as a VI informed them of the pressure's equalization. It gave them a rundown of station requirements and reminded them of their confidentiality agreement, but it was cut off.

"Commander, I think you'll want to see this," Ashley said, poking her head around the corner. "It's, uh...well..."

Shepard glanced at Trakes as he took his rifle off his back, shrugged, and followed Ashley into the base. Nothing looked out of place, save the lack of people, but she was standing next to a terminal, gesturing to the video log she had on pause. "What is it?"

"I think I know what happened to the science team," she said. "The doctor's records show evidence of indoctrination very early on. The room back that way—" Ashley jerked a thumb over her shoulder. "—is riddled with bullet holes and a few bodies of husks."

"Husks? Eden Prime husks, or...?"

"The same ones we saw on Horizon," she answered.

Trakes looked between them before saying, "What's the difference?"

"The husks on Eden Prime relied on numbers to overwhelm," Shepard said.

"And the husks on Horizon were smart enough to use their strength to their advantage," Ashley finished.

He looked to Ashley, back to Shepard, to Ashley again, and to Shepard. "That's...that's really cute, y'know. Finishing each other's sentences."

Shepard started to snap something, but Ashley continued, "I found the body of a Cerberus trooper. Recent, had a few scratches and bites on him. He must've come from the frigate."

"How recent?" he demanded.

"Half hour? His body was still warm."

Shepard nodded as he pulled his assault rifle off his back. "Any indication of who he came with?"

"I have a hunch," she grumbled, pulling a little container off her belt. She handed it to him. "Found that, too. Stun rod."

He turned the weapon over in his hand, frowning before tossing it back to her. "How much you wanna bet they're here for the same thing we are?"

"We can't let them get that IFF," Ashley said, determined.

"Standing here talking about it isn't going to get us there any faster," Trakes interrupted. "Your orders, sir?"

Shepard looked at them both in turn and nodded to himself, satisfied and just as determined as the rest of them. The Illusive Man brought him back for this and there was no shot in hell he was going to let Cerberus get through that relay. The Collectors were getting blown to hell, and knowing Cerberus, the bastards would do everything in their power to salvage as much tech from their homeworld as possible. Shepard wasn't going to let it happen.

"Move out."

The two of them fell in on his flanks, Ashley pacing him from the right and Trakes following on his left at an angle. They headed for what he assumed was the way into the Reaper, passing splatters and smears of blood as they went.

The ship shook as soon as Ashley started working on the console. A deafening bang shortly followed, and she said, "Well that can't be good."


	43. Chapter 43

"This is going on the top of my 'weirdest shit ever' list," Trakes whispered.

"Uh...agreed," Ashley replied.

"We've seen stranger," Shepard said. "Sentient plants?"

Ashley snorted. "Okay, but an altar? With people worshipping Reapers? Shepard, this isn't indoctrination. This is fanaticism."

"You watched the logs back there," he retorted, nodding back the way they came. "The Reaper was messing with their heads. We don't know what that might do to a person." She looked like she was about to say something else, but he interrupted, "Well, maybe you do. I don't."

"I don't know everything," she said defensively. "Just...it feels wrong. Worshipping the things sent to commit mass genocide? I don't like it." Shepard gave a half-hearted shrug and looked back at the questionable scene before him. Several of those spikes, dragon's teeth, were arranged beneath a platform and across from their own. A few bodies, old bodies, were still impaled on them.

"Come on," Shepard said as he reached back for his rifle. "We haven't made much progress since the mass effect fields were killed. Let's get that IFF." The two of them nodded wordlessly as he turned and led them towards another airlock. He had no way of knowing if that was the way to the Reaper IFF, but it was the only way forward, and it was their best bet.

As he hit the lock, the station VI said, "Please be careful. It has been five days since we've had a workplace death."

None of them commented as they trooped back outside, but they didn't have to. Shepard wondered if that meant it had been five days since the last researcher turned into a husk, or if that meant it stopped recording five days ago. Either way, Shepard didn't like the implications. He was just glad they were getting somewhere, even if he didn't know what "somewhere" was.

He stopped after they got out onto a system of catwalks and rails, ordering Ashley on ahead while he checked their navpoint. EDI had updated it to encompass the Reaper's drive core; the small explosion earlier had come from kinetic barriers being slapped up between them and the _Normandy,_ and the only way to take them offline would be to destroy the core. Fortunately for them, that was typically the place IFFs were installed, and finding it would hopefully be as easy as finding the drive core.

"Shepard!"

His head snapped up as Ashley trained her gun on him and a shot rang out. He heard a body hit the floor as he turned, finding himself face-to-face with a husk. The first shot was quickly followed by another, hitting the second smack in the center of the forehead. As it crumpled, Shepard whipped back around to face Ash, but she had her gun trained on the sniper that just saved his life.

The _geth_ sniper.

It stood and swung its rifle onto its back. "Shepard-Commander." The geth was on a higher maintenance system, but protected only by a thin metal bar railing. He watched it retreat further into the walkways Cerberus set up, then marched up to Ashley.

"Why didn't you shoot?" he demanded.

She blinked rapidly, and even with that helmet on, Shepard could tell she was frowning. "I...I couldn't get a clear shot, Commander."

"What the hell do you mean? It was right there!"

"Geth don't talk!" she exclaimed. "And when I say I couldn't get a clear shot, I mean it. You think I wouldn't have shot it if I could have?"

Shepard's eyes narrowed and he leaned over her, holding a stare she wasn't even focused on. Ashley was still frowning at her gun in disbelief, trying to understand what had happened when she was clearly incapable of it. "What's gotten into you? The Reaper isn't getting to you, is it?"

Her eyes flicked up to his at the mention of the Reaper and she relaxed her stance. Throughout the entire conversation, her gun had been pointed at his chest. "No, I'm fine. I can handle it."

"Ash—"

"Contact!" Trakes shouted. "Coming over the railings!"

Shepard immediately raised his gun, but Ashley shoved him to the side. He hit the grated floor with a grunt, shoulder throbbing, as a husk hit her midsection and knocked them both down. It didn't take much effort for Shepard to launch it with his biotics, even down on his knees. The husk tumbled across the floor and back over the railing, falling into the mix of gases below. That victorious feeling didn't last for long; another husk grabbed him and flipped him over as it tried to scratch at his face, but Trakes' rifle went off, and its head exploded in a burst of bluish-gray fluid. Shepard kicked it off and rolled to his feet, barely sparing enough time to check on his two companions before taking aim at one of the husks. When he pulled the trigger, his target staggered under the impact of the bullets.

He aimed at another, thinking the first dead, and shot it in the chest. And a third, and a fourth. That's when they started getting back up. He readied himself for a leap, but a silver canister smacked off one of the husks' heads and exploded a second later, throwing small bursts of flame onto the entire cluster. They took like dry wood, lighting up the instant they were hit, and disintegrating to ash a few seconds later.

With the husks dead, Shepard took the opportunity to walk over to the bodies and the ash, scooped up a handful, and frowned. "That took them down pretty quick."

Ashley and Trakes joined him as he held the ruins out for them to see. The lieutenant snorted a laugh before saying, "Turned 'em to ash, _Ash._ "

"Hilarious. Shepard tried turning me to ash once, but it didn't work."

Trakes laughed and the Commander shook his head, discarding the handful of husk remains. He ignored the other man as he said, "How hot do those grenades burn?"

Ashley shrugged. "Hot enough to burn through armor. That's all I care about, sir."

He resisted the urge to sigh. "Whatever. Just...be careful where you throw those things."

"I'm not going to hit you."

"Be careful," he repeated. "And keep an eye out for that geth. It knew my name, so God only knows what the hell it's up to."

"Maybe it's working with the Cerberus team that's on-site," Trakes suggested.

Shepard shook his head, started for the staircase down to a lower level. "That's what I thought earlier, but if it was working with Cerberus, it would've shot us, or let the husk kill me."

"So...we've got a geth running around protecting us," Ashley said. "Great. Another thing to add to the 'weird shit' list we have."

"Let's not—" Shepard cut himself off as a mangled mass of walking corpses staggered out from behind the storage containers on the platform. "—get ahead of ourselves..."

"What the _fuck_ is that?"

The three of them pulled up short as it shuffled closer, practically dragging itself along on one leg while the other dangled behind it lamely. It moaned before it stopped its awkward shuffling, staring at them with impassive, glowing eyes. One of the sacs attached to its back expanded, contracted, and expanded again.

"Light it up!"

His order seemed to snap Ash and Trakes out of the disgusted awe they were all feeling. Shepard took aim at what he assumed to be its head and pulled the trigger, watching as its body erupted with bullet holes. Gray matter burst from each wound they inflicted, but not once did it waver. It stood there, watching them lazily as they expended their ammo, and waited until they were forced to reload.

Then it took another staggering step, raised its arm, and threw a shockwave of biotic energy at them. It ripped through Shepard's shields and threw him back into the railing, and somewhere between where he had been and here, he lost his assault rifle. His shoulder collided with one of the metal struts hard enough tears sprang to his eyes; it was dislocated. Shepard ground his teeth as he looped an arm around the railing to keep himself upright, horrified as it closed on Trakes. He was the only one to really escape most of the damage, shields regenerated by the time he was back on his feet. But he was off-balance, dazed, and Shepard's fumbling for his shotgun was just that—fumbling.

Someone, probably Ashley, fired their handgun and he decided that was the better idea. He drew his own sidearm and fired, wincing with the jar of its kick. It wasn't usually much, but with his arm throbbing, he was hyper-aware of the slight jerk. Besides, getting it out of its clip was a lot easier than reaching for his shotgun, and firing a pistol left-handed would be easier than firing a shotgun left-handed.

Unfortunately for him, reloading his pistol wasn't happening either, and that didn't leave him many options. Tossing the useless gun aside, Shepard braced himself before breaking into a biotic-fueled charge, slamming into the creature with his bad shoulder out of habit. It screamed as it was launched sideways, smashing through the railing and falling to whatever demise awaited it. He waited a few seconds before doubling over, letting out an exhausted puff of breath.

Trakes raced over to his side, ripping off his helmet in concern. "You all right Shepard?"

He nodded. "Just...dislocated a shoulder." As he straightened, he gave a groan of pain. His eyes travelled over the platform, widening when Ashley hauled herself back onto the metal grating. She flopped onto her back and smacked the release on her visor, giving him the biggest "holy shit, I'm not dead" grin he'd ever seen. A thumbs-up soon followed, and he dropped to the floor with a clang, exhausted. "You good?"

"Never better," she huffed, giving an exhilarated laugh.

Shepard looked to Trakes. "What about you? Any injuries?"

"Just to my pride, sir," Trakes said brightly. "We going to keep moving?"

He swallowed, but nodded again. "Yeah, yeah. In a minute. Gimme a sec to recover. That...damn, but that hurt."

Trakes shrugged and went to collect his rifle, leaving Shepard where he was on the floor, while Ashley sort of rolled upright. Shepard watched her for a few seconds while she pulled herself together, then looked at her like she'd grown a second head as she circled around behind him. He felt her grab his shoulder and his arm, and he sighed.

"Sorry about that," he grumbled.

Ashley gave a half-hearted laugh. "Yeah, and I'm sorry about this." She jerked his arm back into place and he bit his tongue hard enough to draw blood. He spat out a mouthful after the pain subsided into a dull ache, glancing back at her over his shoulder, but she went to grab her guns, leaving him there with a stupid look on his face.

Shepard groaned, shoved himself upright, and hunted down his weapons. Both were reloaded with a fresh thermal clip, the pistol returned to its clip, and with his assault rifle in hand, he waved Ashley and Trakes after him. They continued on, headed up another staircase onto an entirely new level of walkways and computers. The terminals they passed were locked out or dead, shot up by either the scientists or whatever Cerberus team was here now, but they didn't pass any new bodies, husk or otherwise.

"It's like a house of horrors," Trakes said. "I've never seen so many husks in my entire life."

"Probably because you only saw husks on Horizon, huh?" Ashley retorted.

"Don't tell me you think this isn't ridiculous."

"Sorry to tell you, but I don't. It's hard to see fifteen husks as ridiculous when you've seen worse run rampant through your dreams."

Shepard paused and looked back at her, frowning. It wasn't like she could see that frown, but it didn't matter. Not after what she just said. "The Reapers are getting to you, aren't they?"

Ashley matched his stare. "It's nothing I can't handle." He sucked in a breath to start arguing, but she interrupted him. "I'm wandering through a Reaper with you right now and I haven't shot at you or Trakes. This isn't a conversation we need to have with more important things to worry about."

He sighed, shook his head, when he heard that familiar moaning start beneath their feet. "Right."


	44. Chapter 44

Neck deep in husks, those freakish monsters of blood sacs and bodies, and whatever the hell else. It felt so unbearably natural that it made her sick, and she pulled her helmet off after their third encounter with the disgusting creatures. She stuffed it into her backpack and ran her hands through her hair; it came loose at some point, but it wasn't anything she wasn't used to. Running around in a hard suit, fighting and trying not to kill the wrong person, it would do that. Ashley was sweating her ass off, which, in its own right, was new to her. It had been years since physical activity took so much out of her, but she had to blame it on their current surroundings. Nothing had felt right since they stepped onto the Reaper.

Little noises here, a shadow there, that split second where she'd had her gun aimed at Shepard.

There it was again, the soft hum begging her to chase it. Her head snapped up, but Shepard was standing between her and whatever she was looking for. She was glad she couldn't see his face. He could tell something was up, but Ashley didn't want to get into it. Not now, not ever.

For a moment, he just stared at her. She wasn't even sure if she was matching his gaze, but a few seconds later, Shepard offered her a hand up. Ashley accepted the help, grateful, and nodded once in thanks. He returned the gesture before starting down to what their navpoint painted as the drive core, ordering her and Trakes after him. She followed with a quick readjustment to her rifle's scope, practically rendering it obsolete. Satisfied, she jogged to catch up, falling in beside Trakes as Shepard led them down more staircases and to another airlock.

Ashley went straight for the terminal, opening its logs and the controls, and said, "Someone's in there."

"What?"

"Someone's inside," she repeated, stepping aside. "See for yourself." Shepard leaned over her shoulder and she pointed at the most recent entries, two time stamps barely five minutes apart. Granted, they were fifteen minutes old, but they were clustered together.

While he went through the logs, Ashley pulled her helmet back on and made sure her oxygen was connected before he waved her back over. "Trakes and I will flank the door. Make sure you get down by the time it opens. Understood?"

"Yes sir." The two of them stacked up on opposite ends of the airlock, Trakes across and Shepard by her leg while she punched in the necessary codes to get them through. Once the screen flashed, Ashley grabbed her gun and dove behind the silos. The doors hissed and voices reached her ears; whomever, probably Cerberus, was back there, they weren't expecting someone to follow them.

There was a pause when it opened. Shepard and Trakes didn't open fire, and the troopers inside couldn't see the three of them. Ashley waited for Shepard's signal, watching carefully as he counted down from five on his fingers, standing the same instant he did. There were only five of them, helmets and guns discarded in various fashions, but equally surprised to see someone in an Alliance uniform, Trakes. Mistaking that blackish-blue hard suit was nearly impossible.

The trooper on the far right, little more than a kid, dropped his hand down. Started to, anyway; he was reaching for his handgun. He'd barely moved a muscle before Ashley shifted her aim and pulled the trigger, putting a bullet through his chest. At that range, shields didn't matter. He stared at the hole in his chest, horrified, before crumpling in on himself and collapsing.

Only after he'd fallen did she realize it was what they were all here for—the Reaper IFF. It wasn't a gun. There it was, another hallucination.

The Cerberus troopers went for their guns. What she hoped was their guns, to be exact. Still, that didn't matter. Ashley didn't try to stop them, but let Shepard and Trakes finish them off instead. They weren't seeing things. They would know when it was appropriate to kill someone when she clearly did not.

Guilt smacked her in the face and she dropped her rifle, eyes widening. She killed him. Unarmed, barely an adult. Her hands shook, so she balled them into fists and shoved them to her sides, biting her tongue. Of all the times to snap, it had to be now?

"Ash?"

Her head snapped up as she swallowed, shaking her head. "I thought he had a gun." Her voice cracked and she clenched her fists. "I should've known better. I shouldn't—"

"He was Cerberus," Shepard interrupted. "They only hesitated to shoot us because they didn't have their guns drawn."

"You don't get it. I _saw_ the gun, Commander. It was there."

"You're hallucinating?"

Ashley squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath, nodding. "I've...been seeing things since we boarded. Hearing things, resisting the urge to...shoot you. Both of you."

"How bad is it?"

"That was the worst of it, but..." Another deep breath. It didn't do much to calm her nerves. "I don't know. I just...I can't do this forever."

Shepard stepped in front of her, arms folded over his chest, and hit the release for his visor. It was the first time Ashley was really aware of how _big_ he was. The Commander was built like a tank, trained to take as much punishment as he could dish out, and it showed. He had several inches on her, nearly twice as broad, but was a bigger softie than she expected anyone could've been.

"We'll get you the help you need," he said. "But right now, we have a job to do, and I need you at your best. Do I make myself clear?"

Ashley nodded once. "Yes sir."

"Good." He turned to Trakes, saying, "Keep an eye on her. And if you have to...you're authorized to fire."

"Commander?"

"I have yet to meet anyone strong enough to keep their own head despite being indoctrinated," Shepard said. "And I've come too far to let the Reapers use my friends against me. They're not going to stop us now."

It didn't feel the same as him ordering her to stay on Virmire. This was different. And as much as Ashley didn't want to die, she saw the point. If the Reapers were getting to her, then she was a safety hazard for anyone on the _Normandy._ And she wasn't worth an entire ship of people, ex-Cerberus or not.

"He's right, Trakes. I'm not worth jeopardizing the mission for, and I don't want to be the Reapers' slave." She hesitated before adding, "Aim for the head."

He looked between the both of them before sighing. "If you say so, Commander."

"All right. Let's destroy that drive core and get the hell out of here."

Ashley nodded and grabbed her assault rifle, slinging it over her shoulder, and headed for the trooper she shot. After rolling him onto his back, she took the tiny IFF from its place on his belt and hid it away in her backpack. With the size of the Reapers, she expected something bigger, but the little box fit neatly into one of her hands, and was smaller than most of the things she carried. Regardless, nothing inside of the backpack was heavy enough to break it and she was satisfied with it once she had it stuffed between two rolls of gauze.

"You got the IFF?" Shepard asked. Another nod. "Know what to do with it?"

"Scrub the hell outta it and slap it in place of the _Normandy's_ current device."

"Trakes?"

"Sounds about right to me," the lieutenant said.

Without another word, Shepard marched over to the second set of doors and hit the glowing green lock, taking a step back once they started to open. Just outside of them, she could see a purplish haze over the enormous room, and it took her a second to realize it was a containment field, a backup for the airlock if it failed. The Alliance rarely installed those unless it was on a space station or an otherwise uninhabitable planet. Cerberus didn't seem to care, but used them like they grew on trees. Containment fields were expensive and unreliable; seeing one here actually surprised Ashley.

Someone fired a handgun several times before the field dissipated, and as soon as the three of them hit the catwalks, the source of the gunfire was on the ground. It was the geth sniper, the one Ashley had been content to keep to herself until it revealed itself to them. She'd seen it back in the room they'd found the altar in, watched it retreat along another series of walkways as the three of them had advanced. She probably should've shot it then, but it did save Shepard's life.

The husk standing over its body let out one of its moans and Trakes placed a bullet between its eyes. They waited to see if that got anyone else's attention, but she didn't hear anything, and Shepard seemed to reach the same conclusion at the same time she did. Slowly, he led them towards the body of the geth and past the husks it had killed, and over to the command console it had been using. Shepard leaned over the keys, glanced at the screen, and pressed what she assumed was "enter" before a loud booming sound hit their ears.

Her head snapped up as a white glow spread across the room. Drive core. "That thing is...wow."

"It's huge," Trakes mumbled.

"Look around," Shepard ordered. "See if there's anything we can use to destroy it."

Ashley broke off to do as told while Trakes shouldered his rifle, saying, "What the hell would they possibly need anything like that for on a research base?"

She tuned them out as she jogged down a few stairs to another platform, looked around, and said, "Yeah, I got nothing."

"Empty over here too," Trakes said.

"Then we'll just shoot it until it explodes," Shepard said. "That always works."

"Until you run out of ammo," Trakes replied. "Damn husks. Where did all these people even come from?"

"There's geth here," Shepard said as Ashley returned to his side. "And we all know what geth do to people. Maybe it brought the husks."

"Would it really come this far just to kill us, sir? It _did_ save your life."

"When have you ever known geth to play nice?" Ashley retorted.

The lieutenant sighed and made a placating gesture with his hands. He was almost as bad as Shepard, minus all the reasons to hate certain species and certain people. Idealist. Some days idealism pissed her off, other days she saw the merit, and then there were days like today when she didn't understand how someone could be so naive.

Shepard reached for his assault rifle, intending to get started, when the protective plates slid back over the drive core. The lack of white light blinded her for a half a second, but she readjusted rather quickly. The same couldn't be said for the others; Shepard and Trakes were both cursing at the core, but Ashley had a bad feeling.

"You know how this thing is supposed to be dead?" she whispered.

"Don't you—"

Something rattled and she spun, grabbing the pistol clipped to her leg. Her eyes locked on the source of the sound, but she didn't see anything. Not at first. She almost relaxed when she saw the gray hand clamp down on the edge of the platform.

"Husks!"

The first few minutes were chaotic. Husks clambered onto the platforms and ran at them in waves, Shepard nearly destroyed anyone in a five foot radius, and she lost her pistol. Or maybe she dropped it. Ashley wasn't entirely sure what she did after the husks started coming, but she was relieved to see it hadn't involved shooting Shepard or Trakes.

Two hands locked around her from behind and threw her to the floor, and the husk responsible jumped at the opportunity. She rolled to the side as it lunged, crushing its leg while leaping to her feet. A boot to the side of the head finished it off, but when she reached back for her battle rifle, another husk tried to pull her back down. She buried an elbow in its throat, dove to the side, and pulled the stun rod off her hip.

It ended up broken with one swing. The husk she aimed it for swung back and it snapped, more like shattered, off its wrist. That also destroyed the husk's arm, but it didn't seem to care, let alone notice. She drove the sharpened end of the rod's remains into its jaw before it crumpled in a spurt of gray liquid.

"Aim for the legs!" Shepard shouted. "Ash, get down!"

She didn't ask, didn't look, just did as he ordered, and dropped to her knees. Less than a second later, the platforms shook again as Shepard slammed down on them with enough force to launch the remaining husks off the walkway. The wave of energy ripped through her shields and threatened to throw her over the side, but she locked an arm around the railing. It was gone as quickly as it came, but the platform still rocked, and being so close to falling off wasn't something Ashley was about to push.

When everything stopped shaking, she got to her feet, looking around warily. That couldn't be the last of them, and almost as soon as she realized it, more husks began climbing over the railings. Now they were swarming both platforms and running up both ends of the walkway, lunging for whomever was closest.

A grinding sound blocked out the husks' moaning; the rush of noise made hearing Trakes nearly impossible, but it wasn't necessary. "The drive core is opening back up, Commander!"

"Get your ass up here!" Shepard dropped a husk with a burst from his shotgun, then fell back towards the command console. Ashley stayed just long enough to place a bullet between one's eyes before following, taking a few steps back towards Shepard with each concentrated shot. It didn't do much, but it kept the husks from mowing them down, and it kept the walkway relatively clear. They still tried climbing over, but picking them off while they did made short work of them.

Shepard was rattling off orders while reloading his assault rifle. "Keep them back and I'll see what I can do without—" She backed up a few more steps, elbowed his shoulder to cut him off. She barely paused to pass him a grenade.

"Last one," she said. "Make it count."

"Planned on it," Shepard replied. "Be ready to run."

Ashley lowered herself into a crouch and braced her shoulder against the end of the railing before refocusing on the husks. Destroying the drive core would drop the kinetic barriers trapping them on the Reaper, but it would also take down most of the functions keeping them alive right now. They'd lose their air, which wouldn't matter because they had their helmets, and the Reaper would crash into the brown dwarf it was orbiting. Lower gravity too—harder to run.

The light disappeared again, but not before a deafening explosion reached her ears. The blast shield closed over it as the Reaper gave a sharp jerk to the side. It threw her into the railing, banging her head off the upper and digging the lower into her ribs, and caused several husks to lose their footing.

"That did it!"

" _Normandy,_ this is Shepard. Lock onto my location; we need immediate extraction."

"Roger that. ETA sixty seconds."

Ashley returned her rifle to its clip on her back and got to her feet, turning just in time to see Trakes point at the geth. How it hadn't slid off the walkway escaped her, but it was still there, pressed against the command console.

"What do we do with that?"

"We leave it," she snapped. "It's geth. Bringing it onto the ship—"

"What geth talks and saves an organic's ass?" Trakes retorted. "All due respect, sir, but I think we should bring it."

Shepard looked between them before looking back at the body. "Tali said no one's ever captured an intact geth before."

"Which is why we should leave it here! Who knows what it could do if it reactivated itself?"

"Let me worry about that," Shepard said. "Grab that thing and let's get the hell out of here."

Ashley sighed, but decided arguing about this would be better saved for later. Instead, she grabbed its arms and pulled it over her shoulders, dropping its weight onto her back when she straightened. If she was being perfectly honest with herself, she would've expected it to be heavier, but it felt like nothing. The geth weighed almost nothing. That being said, running wasn't something she was going to attempt.

Trakes was skeptical, but he didn't say anything, and followed Shepard's lead. By now, the husks were recovering from the initial blast and had started to swarm back up the steps. Ashley ignored them, trusting Shepard and Trakes to keep the husks down, and focused on getting to the airlock. It wasn't hard, save the sudden tilt to the room. Anymore movement and she'd fall over the side with the geth.

As she made her way into the airlock, she said, "You'll need a bypass code, or we'll have to—"

Shepard activated his omni-tool and punched through the terminal. The second door began opening and alarms started flaring while the station VI warned them about the hazards of leaving without pressurization. It didn't seem to affect much of anything now that the Reaper had nothing to hold anything in place, but the weakened gravity reduced her to a stagger.

 _More steps. Handrails._ Ashley was starting to hate stairs on the same principle she hated Grunt; their annoying existence. Then again, Ashley didn't much care for krogans to begin with. Her dislike for staircases was a recent hate, but if there was one thing Ashley was good at, it was hating things.

As she made her way onto the platform, she heard more than saw the _Normandy_ as it moved into position. "Portside airlock is open! Get your asses onto the ship, now!"

Trakes ran up beside her as she slid the geth off her back. He held it in place before they threw it across the gap. The geth bounced off the inner doors and Trakes jerked his head, telling her to go, while he covered Shepard's escape. Ashley didn't hesitate to take a running jump, landing solidly within the _Normandy's_ mass effect fields. Wasn't much of a difference on the ship gravity-wise, but nothing felt as good as standing in that airlock. She felt free.

The lieutenant was the next across, staggering as he landed, and Shepard followed a few seconds later. "We're clear. Go!"

Ashley didn't think she'd ever known the meaning of "clear" until now. It felt like a haze had been lifted, and looking around, all she felt was relief.


	45. Chapter 45

It wasn't often that she slept. She didn't need it, and wasting her time unconscious was just counterproductive, but as soon as she went through the tests Shepard made mandatory, Ashley went back to the armory, sat at her table in the corner, and practically passed out. She didn't stick around Chakwas or Chambers long enough to even find out if they'd cleared her for duty; all she wanted was a good place to wedge herself for some sleep. Lugging the geth down to the AI core seemed to be what really did it in for her, sagging against the wall in the elevator the first chance she got, and it wasn't even heavy. Then again, nothing was heavy anymore. She missed it, feeling like a normal person. That was the whole reason she gave into her exhaustion to begin with. Normal people would be exhausted after something like that.

Usually when Ashley slept, she either didn't dream, or had nightmares. The dreams didn't make sense most of the time anyway, but they still left her shaking when she woke up. Unfortunately, that didn't always ring true, and while she preferred understanding, she would've preferred the nonsensical blur of thoughts. Most of her dream was its standard rush of colors and confusion, just the general all-around mayhem she'd gotten used to in her daily life, but when she saw something, it was that kid's face. Every single time. It was the only thing that made any sense whatsoever, but it still didn't.

Killing people with Cerberus... It shouldn't bother her. Cerberus had done everything in their power to change her into a bloodthirsty sycophant, and they'd nearly succeeded. Then Shepard had died, and she became a fail-safe, a way to get him to cooperate even when he didn't want to. At least with the Alliance, people were straightforward about your job. Cerberus threw her around in so many varying projects that she couldn't keep up, let alone figure out what she'd been designed to do. Prototype Reaper tech for the Illusive Man's soldiers, yes, but anything past that? It made her head hurt.

That was her problem with the nagging guilt. Cerberus had tortured her endlessly, stuck some of the nastiest shit to ever exist into her body, and she still felt guilty about killing their man. The only thing that calmed her was the fact that she felt guilt to begin with. Most of the time, she was able to compartmentalize well enough that she didn't feel much of anything during a mission. But the Reaper? It was dead, and it was still capable of tearing her to pieces. Symptoms of indoctrination all the way down to the same kid who'd been appalled the first time she killed another human being, and then back up to the reckless idiot who nearly killed the only person who had her back.

A sound dragged her out of her half-conscious state, but she didn't move or acknowledge it. It was just the door leading to the debriefing room opening. Shepard had called Miranda and Jacob up for a meeting, but being nosy wasn't really something she was into. That tended to be Alenko's area of expertise.

Ashley remained where she was, back to Taylor, and kept her breathing at its usual pace. If she didn't open her eyes, she might be lucky enough to fall asleep again, but she wasn't even entirely sure she wanted that. All it had done so far was remind her that not even Reaper tech was capable of making her feel like she was worth the effort. Whatever effort that was didn't necessarily matter. She just knew that, like always, she wasn't worth it. Misgivings about killing a Cerberus trooper? Weak. They'd practically destroyed her and she still felt sick. Nearly shooting her commanding officer at least five times? Weaker. Nearly shooting him when he'd been the only person to trust her? Pathetic.

She kind of wished Shepard had just left her on that Reaper and been done with it. She was a mess to deal with, she was a safety hazard, and she had a smart mouth that got her in trouble on more than one occasion. She'd shown signs of succumbing to the Reapers' indoctrination. Nothing she did on the _Normandy_ was special. Rescanning a star system to find hostile Cerberus ships? The navigator could've done that. Pulling the Illusive Man's cameras? Kasumi could've done it. Or Tali, or even Trakes, possibly even Miranda. Getting into questionably racist arguments with Shepard's team? Anyone could've done that, and it wasn't even a good thing. Sniper? Garrus. Thane. Trakes. Tech specialist? Tali. Kasumi. When everyone else knew how to shoot something, how was she worth all the risks?

She wasn't good enough. She never was. Everything she got, she had to fight for it, and even then, she was out of place. She knew it, Shepard knew it, even the Illusive Man. What had he said before? That she wasn't good enough without Cerberus' enhancements? He was right. Ashley wasn't even worth the trouble _with_ the enhancements. Despite everything, she was just a grunt with a gun shooting at the boogeyman, and what use would that gun be against Reapers?

The sound of the door opening again caught her attention. Jacob was still in the room, fiddling with his things, but there was a second set of feet now, trodding across the armory. Even before he said hello to Jacob, Ashley knew it was Shepard. He'd come into the armory often enough while she was busy that she'd started recognizing the sound of his footfalls. Even if the _Normandy_ ran like any other frigate, she would be able to hear him. The man rarely walked quietly, and all the times he did, he seemed to be keen on scaring Joker into jumping out of his seat.

She didn't expect him to nudge her. She'd expected him to try and talk, but to leave when she didn't answer. Then again, Shepard was a smart man, and he'd probably figured out how to wake her up anyway. Out of place sounds always got her up no matter how deeply she was sleeping, and after all the times he'd caught her in the med bay, it wasn't exactly a secret. Simply put, she was awake, and he knew it.

"Let's go," he said.

Ashley grunted. "Where?"

"To talk," Shepard said flatly.

Another grunt, but she didn't argue. She stood and followed him out of the armory, stifling the yawns that threatened to show. Being so exhausted was strange, but not unwelcome. It meant she retained some humanity, whatever small shred that would be. She'd never felt like this until she got free of the Illusive Man and Cerberus. It wasn't just the usual tiredness she remembered feeling back on the SR-1, but a stronger version. When they'd get back to the _Normandy,_ it was physical exhaustion. Right now, it was both physical and mental, and part of her was glad for the latter. She'd fought for control of herself and, generally speaking, won that battle.

When the elevator doors shut, Ashley allowed a yawn to escape her. She could feel Shepard giving her a sideways look and after rubbing her eyes, she said, "What?"

"You're still tired?"

"I'm exhausted," she said. "I feel like I could sleep for days and not be ready to go."

"Hmm," he mused. He was silent until the doors opened again, this time on his deck. Personal cabin. Quiet. Ashley needed peace and quiet. She might hate the things she heard when it was quiet, but she still needed somewhere to unwind. "You know you've been sleeping for the last three hours, right?"

Ash just grunted and followed him inside. "Not long enough."

Shepard sat on his couch, but with the way she collapsed on it, it seemed like he was reverent about the way he sat. He snorted a laugh and shook his head, saying, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Exhausted."

"I've gathered that," he replied. "Chambers said you don't show any signs of indoctrination now, even if you did on the Reaper."

"Good," she grumbled. Ashley didn't want to talk. She wanted sleep more than she ever wanted anything else in the galaxy.

That, of course, wasn't going to fly with him. He brought her up to talk, so that was exactly what he was going to do. If it had been anyone else, Ashley might've told them to stuff their talking up their ass and to let her sleep. But Shepard was Shepard, and even if this ended up being something important as opposed to something relaxed, he was the boss, and she didn't disobey orders.

"How did you manage that?"

"Huh?"

"How did you manage to go from that, the person hearing and seeing things, to this?"

She cracked an eye open, then shrugged lazily. "I don't know. Just..." Another shrug as her eye closed. "I don't know. I don't understand half the crap I do anyway."

"Ash, look at me," Shepard said. It was that stupid Commander voice, and as much as she wanted to ignore him, she opened her eyes and matched his stare. "You saw Benezia on Noveria. Indoctrination doesn't just go away." Ashley nearly groaned, but she kept her mouth shut and forced her eyes to stay open. "Either you lied to Chambers, or there's something else going on that I'm not understanding."

"You know I don't lie."

"That's been up for debate lately," he retorted, leaning back to relax. "So tell me the truth. You didn't lie to her, did you?"

She shook her head. "No, sir. I wouldn't lie about something this important."

"So then what do we do with you?"

"Hopefully let me go back to sleep."

The corner of Shepard's mouth quirked in a smile. "You're the weirdest person I've ever met."

Ashley yawned and shrugged. "Yeah, and the tiredest."

"That's not even a word."

"It is now."

He sighed and waved a hand at his bed as he got to his feet. "You can crash up here until we get back. Legion needs some help and EDI's still working on the IFF. But you better be ready to go through that relay."

She blinked, tried to process what he just said. "Who's Legion?"

"The geth. I woke it up."

"You...huh?"

"I. Woke. Up. The. Geth," he said slowly, enunciating each word. "And now I'm taking the team to help it fix a...delicate issue."

She didn't have the energy to argue. Maybe later, after he got back and she'd slept the rest of her life away. He hadn't demanded to know what was wrong with her, hadn't demanded to know why she was so tired, and she figured if he was going to let her sleep here, she could save the irritated snapping for another time. It was fair, and they deserved some fairness in the midst of the galaxy's unfairness.

"We'll talk more about this when I get back."

"Yes sir." So she didn't get interrogated because she was exhausted. Good enough for her. Ashley wasn't going to question it. She didn't have the energy for it.

* * *

It didn't feel like long when the door opened. She heard it, but she wished she was able to sleep through it. Nothing had ever taken so much out of her as that Reaper did. Part of her wanted to crawl into a hole and die; at least she'd get some peace and quiet, quiet that was actually, well, _quiet._

"EDI said you were still up here."

Ashley grunted. "Sorry?"

Shepard set something on his desk before passing his aquarium and joining her on the couch. Ashley was still on the far edge, practically curled into a ball, with one arm stuffed under her head like a pillow. It wasn't the most comfortable position to be in, but it was better than sitting on a stool with her arms wrapped around her head down in the armory. And besides, as much as she was grateful for Jacob's help, she trusted Shepard more than him, and as weird as it sounded, she'd rather be sleeping in a room that smelled like him than one that smelled like Jacob.

"Still tired?" he asked.

"Very."

"You sure?"

The tone of his voice made her open an eye, watching him suspiciously. "Yes. Why?"

Shepard was still in his hard suit, maroon with white accents, but he managed to produce a foil-wrapped energy bar. He tossed it to her, and while she could've caught it, Ashley let it bounce off the side of her face. Her other eye opened so she could fix him with an accusing glare, but it only made him laugh.

"You could've had that," Shepard said, standing.

"Your point?"

"Don't look at me like it's my fault that it hit you." While he went to his armor locker to start getting out of his suit, she reached down and picked up the snack he'd brought her. It wasn't anything she hadn't eaten before. As a matter of fact, if she ate anything, it was usually something from the _Normandy's_ stash of snack food. The last time she sat down in the mess hall to actually eat, Jack had poked at her until she snapped.

"You're supposed to eat it."

Her head snapped up. Shepard had finished stashing away his hard suit and was now walking past to head back to his desk. "I know that," she said defensively.

"Sure didn't look like you knew that," he replied. "Looked like you were trying to set the thing on fire."

Ashley swung her legs over the edge of the couch, shifting into a more relaxed position, before opening the energy bar. With the wrapper discarded, she could smell it. All that did was make her stomach growl. She was starving.

"Hope you're hungry," Shepard said, returning with a small bag of provisions. "Or...y'know...not hungry. I could eat a horse."

She snorted. "Where did you go again?"

"Geth station," he answered. He emptied the bag of its contents on his couch, tossed her a bottle of water, and scarfed down two energy bars before continuing. "The geth were looking for me. My body, I mean. Legion doesn't know what the heretics were going to do with it, but—"

"Legion?"

He paused, both eyebrows raised, and said, "The geth. The sniper. From the Reaper? The one I woke up?" She frowned. "I told you about this before I left."

"And I didn't tell you that you're an idiot?" He sighed and shook his head. "Why in God's name would you wake up one of those things? They worked with Saren, Commander! They serve the Reapers! Who knows what it could do to the ship? What if it reprograms EDI, or—"

Shepard held up a hand. It worked surprisingly well; Ashley snapped her mouth shut and decided focusing on staving off her own hunger would be the smarter move. The energy bar tasted fruity, too sweet. She ate it anyway.

"Legion is on our side."

"Like I'm going to believe that."

"Not all geth worked with Saren," Shepard said. Ashley just scoffed and looked away, chewing on another mouthful of too-sweet energy bar. "Only a small portion. The, uh...'true' geth, like Legion, are still in the Perseus Veil. They have no interest in fighting with organics, but the heretics, the ones that helped Saren, worship the Reapers. They were going to broadcast a code to turn all geth to the Reapers, and Legion wanted to stop them."

"So you blew them up."

"Not...exactly. We...rewrote them. They're normal geth again."

Ashley paused in her chewing, swallowed, and said, "You had the chance to kill hundreds of geth...and you saved them?"

"They're not what you think, Ash."

"They kill innocent people!" she exclaimed. "They killed my friends! They attacked the _Citadel,_ Commander! They don't deserve—"

He cut her off again. "And if that had been humanity? What if it was a bunch of humans who killed your squad, or a group of humans that attacked the Citadel? Would it be every human's fault?"

"No, but—"

"But what? You blame every single geth for the acts of a select few? So if a turian shot your sister, you'd blame Garrus? What if it was a quarian? Would you blame Tali?"

Ashley sighed and shook her head. "No."

"Then don't blame Legion for everything that the heretics did," Shepard finished. "It saved my ass more than once today and it agreed to help us stop the Collectors. I don't like the geth any more than you do, but everyone deserves a chance."

"Yeah."

"You done with this?"

She nodded once. "Yeah."

"Good. Let's finish eating. Then we can see if EDI's done installing the Reaper IFF or not, and go from there."


	46. Chapter 46

It was a stupid decision. Taking most of his team and leaving the ship? Ashley hated it about as much as she hated watching the geth troop past to get onto the shuttle. But no, it was her job to stay behind. It was also Trakes' job. And Miranda's job. Miranda's ship in Shepard's absence, her orders to help EDI finish up the installation of the Reaper IFF. That was what they were doing now, crawling through the ducts to reroute power lines and to deactivate firewalls keeping the IFF from being fully integrated. Shepard wanted it done by the time he got back and Miranda was his way of relaying that order to her and Trakes.

Ashley lifted the grate from the floor tiles, dropping it with a loud clatter. Trakes clicked on his helmet's flashlight before swinging his legs around and dropping inside. His voice crackled over the radio as he said, "Now which access panel am I looking for?"

She clicked on Tali's monitor and brought up a listing. "Panel 58A looks like the one. I think. I don't know."

He groaned and she heard a bang, both over his radio and from the hole in the floor. "Remind me why Shepard left me with you instead of that quarian."

"Because I'm not as big an idiot as I claim to be?" she suggested.

The lieutenant snorted a laugh. "Whatever you say, ma'am."

"Stop calling me that." Another laugh, but he didn't say anything. He was silent for several minutes before the indicator next to its name clicked off. The pathway lights shut off along the floor, but they flickered back on as their system rebooted. "I said Panel A, Trakes. Not B."

He grunted. "Sorry. Hope that wasn't anything important."

"Watch it be the system for life support."

"It was lights," Trakes said defensively. "Life support is on a whole different level."

"It was a joke," Ashley retorted. The orb next to Panel A shut off and the one beside B came back on. "There. That should've—" She paused, frowning, as the noise faded into the background. Overhead, up on deck two, Ashley swore she heard someone scream. Her hand paused just beside the grip of her handgun as she leaned around the corner, checking on Donnelly and Daniels. They were both staring up at the windows overlooking the core from the other deck.

Ashley put her hand back up to her ear. "Trakes, get up here. Something's wrong."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I don't know. Someone—"

There was another scream, followed by a short burst of gunfire.

An alarm blared as EDI reported, "Hostiles detected on deck two."

"Trakes!"

"I heard!"

Ashley drew her gun and positioned herself in a corner, crouching so she wasn't visible from the other doorway. While Trakes clambered his way back out of the vents, she gestured to Donnelly and Daniels to take his place. They didn't have guns; telling them to stand their ground and fight was stupid.

"Hostiles detected on decks one and three."

Just as Gabby slid through the opening, Ashley kicked the grate back into place. Trakes was still down there. She turned off her radio before he could object, barely had the chance to make sure that the clip in her gun was fresh when the door on the far side of the room opened. She peeked from beneath the terminal, trying to see what they were up against, but part of her already knew it was the Collectors. Retaliation from the Reapers.

Ashley ducked back into cover after confirming her suspicions. Engineering was silent, save the insect-like chittering from the bugs and the occasional blare from the alarms, and she saw the brownish-red feet, twisted and mangled beyond recognition. She didn't stop to count how many had entered the room; there were too many for her to take by conventional means, and anything unconventional was too risky so close to the drive core. Firing a gun was dangerous to begin with, but giving the Collectors something to shoot their lasers at? Even worse.

Twelve shots wouldn't get her much, but it would buy her the time she needed to make a break for it. All she had to do was get them away from the ventilation shafts and the core, and then she'd be free to do her usual thing, which would probably encompass getting herself shot multiple times. It always did, but it wasn't like that was anything new. She'd taken a beating the last time they'd run into the Collectors; she was confident that she could handle it now.

Her muscles tensed as she prepared to spring, listening intently as their footsteps and chittering slowly approached. Several of them branched off and headed down the walkway to the drive core, but the rest continued towards her, wedged uncomfortably beneath the systems Tali operated on a daily basis.

A pair of feet walked past and stopped near the door across from her, pausing to inspect their surroundings. As quietly as she could manage, Ashley slipped out from her hiding place and tackled the closest of the two. She rolled off it in the same second, bouncing to her feet before firing a bullet into its counterpart's head. The first one was definitely still alive, but it was down, and that gave her the chance to bolt. She was already planning on where to go and what to do by the time she got to the second set of doors, but they opened to reveal a monstrous, shelled...thing. Ashley caught herself abruptly enough that she missed colliding with its face; unfortunately, her momentum knocked her back onto the floor, and as soon as its eyes started glowing, she threw herself to the side.

Ten feet to the subdeck. She landed on the steps and her head snapped off an edge, disorienting her just enough that the rush of noise didn't make her flinch. Overhead, the floor creaked with the weight of the giant bug, and it adopted this hot white glow. It took her longer than she liked to admit to realize that the grating was being burned through, but she rolled again, jumping to her feet as two white beams shot into the place she'd been just a moment before.

Letting out a relieved breath, Ashley turned and ducked beneath the railing to the small space beneath the grated floor. She had to wedge herself under a fuse box, but it kept most of her torso concealed from anyone who might walk overhead. A white hard suit wasn't going to do much to camouflage her in a darkened room. With the only lights being red, it would do more than it should, but not enough that she was confident in her current hiding place.

Less than ten seconds after she'd moved, the Collectors trooped down both staircases. Ashley couldn't see them, but after Cerberus and everything else she'd been through, hearing them wasn't a problem. Still too many to take with only eleven bullets, but at least if she was found she wouldn't have to worry about shooting the drive core.

Unfortunately for her, her body was already killing the adrenaline it produced, and her dislike for cramped spaces started kicking in. Her throat seized as she clenched her hands into fists and forced her breathing to slow. Ashley imagined she'd have more space if she didn't have her helmet on, but she needed it, just in case she was the one to have to go crawling through the _Normandy's_ vents. Luckily for her, Trakes didn't really seem to mind, and it saved her another trip through a minor panic attack.

When a large shadow stopped directly over her, she stopped breathing entirely and squeezed her eyes shut. It was one of their stasis pods; the Collectors came to harvest the crew, not kill them. Briefly, she wondered what would happen if they caught her. Stasis or death?

 _Given what happened on Horizon, I'm gonna go with death._

Ashley wasn't sure if she'd prefer to be stuck in one of those pods or not. On one hand, she wasn't exactly keen on getting herself killed again, but on the other, she wasn't too thrilled with her current position either. Didn't like heights, didn't like cramped quarters, didn't like Shepard's driving. That skycar back on Nos Astra had been the epitome of everything she hated.

Instead of focusing on her location, she focused on listening. They were ransacking Jack's hidey-hole, tearing through crates and storage lockers, practically ripping the place apart. The Collectors didn't want to leave anyone behind. That, or Harbinger was determined to kill her when he had the chance. Ashley started praying that it was the latter, and that they would stay out of the vents.

Eventually, the Collectors ended their search for her and headed back up to the primary level. In any other situation, Ashley would've tried her luck and climbed out as soon as they were gone, but getting captured by giant bugs wasn't high on her list of things to do. Then again, most of the trouble she got into while serving on the _Normandy_ wasn't high on that list either. Had she known where it would get her, Ash would've been perfectly happy getting transfered to another groundside garrison than the SR-1.

Before tempting fate, Ashley reached into a pouch on her hip and pulled out the first thing she grabbed. It was a screwdriver, but nothing that nobody else wouldn't have, something that losing wouldn't bother her. She carefully inched herself to the side, stretching an arm out from under the floor, and threw it across the room. The screwdriver clattered loudly and she shoved herself back into place.

Her breath caught when something else clattered in response, but instead of the Collectors returning, it was a cover for one of the ducts. It fell from its place high-up on the wall before a pair of military combat boots appeared in the opening, followed by human legs, and she thought it was one of the engineers. Why they'd be crawling _out_ of the vents was beyond her, but it quickly became apparent that it wasn't Donnelly or Daniels.

As Joker came into view, using the scattered crates and lockers to climb to the floor, Ashley heard feet on the steps. Joker, whatever he was doing, seemed to hear them too, and tried rather unsuccessfully to hide behind the mess the Collectors left behind. A pair of them were making their way down to the subdeck, just passing the bend, when Ashley managed to disentangle herself. They didn't spot her right away, giving her the time to get a grip on her sidearm, and she didn't return the favor. The instant she was spotted, she'd already pulled the trigger once, hitting the Collector on the left square in the chest. It staggered as brown fluid erupted from the wound, but found another bullet in the center of its face before it could recover. The one to the right ducked behind one of the beams and blind-fired in her general direction. Its first shot hit her shoulder, but she ignored the burst of bluish-red blood now splattered across her armor. Didn't hurt, didn't matter.

Regardless, Ashley wasn't dumb enough to think that meant she was fine, and used her uninjured arm to push herself further out of the gutter. She made a mental note of how many shots she had left, gave another push, and used her feet to propel herself back. By then, the Collector had gotten bold enough to poke its head out, and Ashley took the opportunity to get some payback. In her current position, however, the bug had a perfect view of her, and at the same time she fired, it fired. Her bullet hit it in the head; its round hit her in the chest, right above her heart. Any lower, and she might've run the risk of bleeding out.

Eight bullets, God only knows how many Collectors were still on the deck, and two wounds that were already bleeding profusely. Ashley prodded the one that cracked her collarbone, frowning slightly, as Joker staggered back into view. She stopped and held up a hand, silently ordering him back, before she crept to the bodies. A quick nudge from her boot to each of them told her they were dead, but there was no guarantee no one above heard the gunfire. She took a few cautious steps towards the landing, looking up towards the main deck, and let out a breath of relief.

She holstered her pistol and pulled off her helmet, wiping sweat from her eyes, while returning to the ship's pilot. He was standing awkwardly with his weight focused on a single leg, shoulders a bit hunched. It was easy to forget he had Vrolik's Syndrome, given he sat in the same chair every single day. Ashley didn't think she'd ever seen the man on his own two feet, and that wasn't from her experience with Cerberus.

"You okay?"

Joker let out a puff of air as he eyed the blood dripping from her wounds. "Better than you."

Ashley nodded absentmindedly and glanced back at the steps, listening with half an ear. "Why are you down here?"

"Uh...the Collectors overrode my controls," he said. "And...the only solution was to give EDI control of the _Normandy._ They tracked us through the IFF."

Her frown deepened. "You're giving the ship to an AI?"

"Did. I just need to get to the drive core so I can—"

Ashley dismissed his explanation with a wave of her hand. If Joker trusted EDI enough to give away his control over the ship, then so did she. He knew the ship, and the AI, better than anyone, and while it might piss off Shepard later, there was no guarantee they'd even get a 'later.' Right now, the ship was infested with hostiles, and there was a good chance the two of them would end up dead or captured within the next five minutes.

"Can you clear the ship?"

"Wouldn't be unshackling an AI otherwise," he grumbled, pushing past her for the steps. Ashley stepped aside and made to follow him, but she heard the doors above open.

She shoved him rougher than she should've, jumping up the last few stairs to the first landing before drawing her gun. _Eight shots,_ she reminded herself. The first of the bunch came through; bullet to the side of the head. _Seven._ Ashley moved to the side as she crept further up the staircase, sticking to a crouch. Another Collector showed its twisted head and she pulled the trigger again. _Six._ She got onto the landing and one of their stasis pods came through the door, two Collectors flanking it. They were ready for her though, having heard the gunshots and witnessing the deaths of their allies.

Both of them lifted their guns, the lasers that she despised, and fired at her head. Ashley ducked and dove, rolling to her feet at an angle. The yellow beams sliced through the wall easily, leaving two smoking holes in the metal as they readjusted. She only had the time to take one down before noticing the creepy glow spreading over its counterpart's skin.

 _Ah, fuck._

As Harbinger took control of the Collector, Ashley tried to stop the process. She blew through the last five bullets she had, and nothing happened. Nothing good, anyway. It was a quick transfer of control, leaving her stuck with a bigger pain in the ass than necessary, and unarmed to boot. She threw the gun aside as the glowing Collector raised its own weapon, leveling the barrel at her chest, and prepared herself. As soon as the trigger was pulled, she dove forward and behind the pod, shoving it backwards into the Reaper-controlled bug. There was a sickening crunch as bones shattered, but the ever-familiar sound of that laser firing still hit her ears.

Clipped in the confusion. A burn seared across her forearm and she hardly had the chance to register the injury when the stasis pod was thrown into her back. It knocked her forward and she collided with the doorframe at an odd angle. Even if she hadn't been grateful for that helmet ten minutes ago, she was now. It saved her from cracking her skull open.

Ashley flipped to her feet, skirting the bug, and shook out the numb feeling in her hand. The Collector limped, staggered on a smashed leg, but still had a grip on its weapon. She threw her good shoulder into its chest and rammed it into the wall, smacking the gun from its grasp. It skidded across the floor and fell into a crevice similar to the one she'd hidden in, but wrapped a hand around her throat before she could follow through with much of anything.

The Collector reversed their positions, slamming her into the wall with enough force she saw stars. While she was dazed, it reached up and gripped her helmet's visor, pulling it clear off. The glass shattered into jagged pieces and she flinched, squeezing her eyes shut to keep fragments from cutting them.

"We are infinite. You cannot resist."

She struggled to pry its hand off her throat. Now wasn't the time for one of her...episodes. There was too much riding on Joker getting to the drive core. If there was any shot in hell of saving the _Normandy,_ he believed it could only be done by unshackling EDI and giving her the ship. He'd asked her before if she had any faith, but her response had been smart and snappy; she did, and she knew exactly where to put it with everyone she met. The _Normandy_ was his ship. She trusted his judgement.

Ashley braced a foot on the Collector's chest and pushed, but it righted itself and slammed her back into the wall. She shook off the haze that threatened to settle over her to see the pilot now inching carefully into the room. He stopped when he saw what was going on, but she managed a nod.

Joker swallowed, but started towards the core's controls, and Ashley reverted her attention back to the Collector's glowing yellow eyes as its grip on her throat tightened. Chakwas didn't think she needed air as desperately as everyone else, but the edges of her vision were still darkening from the lack thereof.

"Changing," it hissed, bringing its face closer to hers. "You are too weak to fight."

Ashley didn't care what it said. The last time she'd gotten herself into this position, it just confused her and said she was a threat to them. Now it was trying to convince her fighting the Reapers was pointless. She'd had enough of it.

Bracing her feet against the wall, she wrapped both of her hands around the wrist holding her up. She put every ounce of strength she had into crushing the bone, and succeeded faster than she expected. It dropped her in a fit of coughing, but she wouldn't, couldn't, let that stop her. A knee connected with her ribs, probably cracked something.

She rolled behind it, buried a foot in the knee of its unbroken leg. The Collector fell to its knees and now that it was on her level, she shoved it face-first into the wall. She dug her elbow into the back of its neck, grabbed hold of the side of its head, and jerked it to the side. Bone snapped before she staggered back, doubling over and succumbing to the coughs she'd been suppressing.

Ashley yanked off the damaged helmet and let it fall, rolling across the floor, to help get in the air she needed. Her throat _hurt,_ burned like hell, and for a half a second, she let herself forget that she wasn't supposed to feel pain.

Then EDI said, "Initiating ship-wide purge in five—"

She didn't even stop to wonder what the hell that even meant, but instead made her way to the alcove beneath the floor paneling. She squeezed under it again much like she had before and promised herself to never do this again. Then she focused on slowing her racing heart, sucked in a huge breath, and squeezed her eyes shut.

What came next scared her more than knowing a bomb was about to kill her.


	47. Chapter 47

As the shuttle passed through the _Normandy's_ mass effect fields and into the cargo bay, you'd think nothing was amiss. The ship didn't look damaged at a distance, or even up close through the external cameras. But something was wrong. Something was very wrong, and Shepard could feel it in the air as the shuttle entered its moorings. Whereas the crew would usually position the shuttle as it docked, it was Trakes and Miranda who pulled it in. No one was roaming the deck.

Garrus slid the hatch open and Shepard's team piled out. The Commander lingered in the copilot's seat for just a moment longer, then followed them out. A sense of dread settled over him as his eyes took in what he already knew to be true.

The Collectors had hit the _Normandy_ while they were gone. Most of his crew, save the few that had been able to defend themselves long enough, had been taken by the alien race, and spirited away through the Omega 4 mass relay. It was his stupid fault for taking so many trained combatants from a ship filled with technicians and flight specialists.

The ship was quieter than it usually was. Granted, it ran just as silently as the original, but the crew added life and noise to it, and Shepard realized how much he missed it. Over fifty people, gone because he had been foolish enough to think the Collectors wouldn't try to stop them from getting through that relay. He was too complacent, too confident. It bit them in the ass again.

"Return to your stations," Shepard ordered. He didn't look at any of them as they filed past to the elevator, leaving him standing in his own self-induced anger. His fists clenched into tight balls, relaxed, and clenched again as he worked the fury out of his system.

Out of the corner of his eye, Shepard saw Miranda hovering by the nose of the shuttle. She'd want to update him, want to explain her own plan of attack before hearing his. It was the way she worked, and he was fine with it. After the first few weeks serving with her, Shepard grew to grudgingly accept the Cerberus officer, and eventually to really consider her as his second-in-command. How he managed to convince her defeating the Collectors was more important than her loyalty to Cerberus was a mystery for the ages, but Miranda proved on several occasions that she was more dedicated to the mission than to the organization, and he trusted her.

He took a deep breath to steady himself, then joined her. To her credit, she appeared sympathetic. It didn't suit her typical ice queen attitude, but everyone had their breaking point, and Shepard supposed he just found hers.

"What happened?" His tongue tasted like sawdust and his throat was dry, leaving his voice hoarse. On the way back, he'd half-hoped that this was some sick joke, but after they were given the coordinates for a star system lightyears away from the cluster they'd been in before, it really settled over him.

"We're not exactly sure, Commander," Miranda admitted. Shepard's shoulders drooped as he sighed. Of course they didn't, whoever 'they' were. "EDI says the IFF was transmitting a signal and giving away our location, and that was how they tracked us down. Most of the crew..." Miranda swallowed and shook her head, and Shepard was surprised to see her look so upset. He blamed himself for atrocity, but he wasn't here to prevent it. Miranda was. Miranda blamed herself just as much as Shepard blamed himself.

He rested a hand on her shoulder. "We'll get them back."

She nodded and the vulnerability passed, hidden behind her mask of composure. "I believe you. But this...it's not something I want to repeat."

"How many did you save?" he asked, shifting topics to something she could be proud of.

"A handful at the most. Five, maybe six flight techs," Miranda said. "We got to the main battery before the ship was purged."

Shepard swallowed past the lump in his throat, then nodded to the elevator. They walked across the cargo deck in silence and he noted how chaotic the floor was. Purged was a good word for what happened. When EDI hailed the shuttle, she said she had to open the airlocks and viewing ports to rid the ship of Collectors. They must've been everywhere.

While they waited for the elevator to return to the deck, Shepard asked, "Who made it?"

"Joker," Miranda said. "Williams, Trakes, Donnelly, Daniels. The bridge crew. Most of them are injured in some way, but Doctor Chakwas was taken by the Collectors. Anyone with any medical or first aid knowledge is in the med bay, trying to make up for the lack of doctors. Unfortunately, that also means they're taking turns cleaning wounds and helping each other when they need to rest."

Shepard stepped inside as soon as the doors opened, turning back to face his second as she joined him. "Head to the debriefing room. I'm stopping on the crew deck to see what's going on."

Miranda nodded tersely. "If you say so, Commander."

The remainder of their elevator ride was fairly quiet, save the new grinding noise coming from the gears outside the cabin. Someone would have to check that out and replace what was needed, but that wasn't what Shepard was concerned with. As they stood there, he could smell the bleach and cleaners on the walls and floor. Someone had cleaned the elevator after the Collectors' raid on the ship, and he didn't like what that meant. An underlying hint of disinfectant hit his nose as well; there had been blood. Whether it was human or Collector, he didn't know, but he didn't think the Collectors sustained nearly as many loses as his crew did.

When the elevator rolled to a stop, Shepard stepped off and headed for the med bay without so much as a backwards glance. He took the long way around purposely, allowing himself to see what his stupidity had done to his people. The small kitchen was empty, the large dining table was clear, and the walls where off-duty crew members would stand to socialize were free. They'd lost so many people.

It was his fault. Shepard didn't have it in him to blame Miranda, Ashley, or Trakes. From what Miranda had said, the three of them had done what they could, and that was likely the only reason that anyone had remained aboard the ship. If he'd been smarter, this wouldn't have happened in the first place.

He squared his shoulders and inhaled deeply. This wasn't the time to start second-guessing himself. He needed to pull it together so they could get through the Omega 4 relay and get the crew back. Commander Shepard didn't look weak; he didn't fail. He was hailed as a hero for a reason. It was time for him to start acting like it.

As the doors hissed open, the chaos inside of the small room was evident. Mordin had settled in to offer his assistance, but while Miranda had said most people were injured and _still_ helping tend to the others, she hadn't exactly described that as being Ash and Trakes. The lieutenant was in his Alliance uniform, still undamaged, and looked to be unharmed save the jagged cut stretching across his cheek. Ashley seemed to be in a similar condition, minor wounds that wouldn't heal as quickly as everything else. That led Shepard to believe they'd been a lot worse before he'd returned. If she could heal broken bones in a matter of hours, why in God's name did she need gauze covering a wound?

Trakes looked a little lost as he stepped back from the cots, running his hands down his face, and Shepard joined him by Chakwas' desk. It felt odd to see her chair unoccupied. All of it felt wrong. The one medic Shepard noted having survived was strapped down to one of the real beds; Mordin was fussing over him in the way he fussed over everything, chattering to himself as he worked. Ashley kept bouncing between people, administering medigel and painkillers where necessary, and stopping more than once to check her omni-tool for something.

"Hey," Trakes muttered. He sounded as exhausted as he looked. For once, he wasn't smiling, and that told Shepard things were worse than he understood. Nothing ever killed that man's smirk.

"How are you guys doing?" Shepard asked, nodding in Ashley's direction and waving a hand to gesture at the crew.

He was staring off into space, zoned out, as he said, "As well as we can. I'm not much use, considering all of my 'training' comes from basic. She keeps using the extranet to fill in whatever gaps that she needs to, but I can't read as fast as she can. Otherwise I'd probably be elbow-deep in this mess too."

"This shouldn't have happened," Shepard said, folding his arms across his chest.

"Yeah," Trakes agreed. He paused for several moments, letting the sounds of monitors and moans of pain sink into Shepard's ears, before adding, "But it did. Are we going to get them back, Commander?"

He nodded. "No one gets left behind."

"Glad to hear it, sir."

"Did you finish installing the Reaper IFF?" Right to business. He didn't have the time to fool around.

Trakes shrugged. "We were finishing up when the Collectors hit. Whether or not EDI needs us back down in engineering is a moot point; we don't have the man power to leave Solus alone here. Have to trust Donnelly and Daniels."

"They're all right?"

"Yeah, Williams got them down into the vents with me," he said. "They got out and went right back to work like nothing happened. It was...surprising. Commendable, but surprising. If Chambers was still here, I'd imagine she'd want a word with both of them."

"The Collectors got Kelly?"

Trakes nodded, and Shepard sighed, shaking his head. "Only Ken and Gabby are in shape to work. Everyone else is down here...or gone."

"I'd been hoping, y'know? Kelly's done a lot for the crew. Probably the only reason Ash didn't haul off and kill someone when we first boarded. She didn't deserve this."

"None of us did, sir," Trakes replied. "But like you said, we'll get them back. Then we'll give the Collectors what they deserve and head home."

"There's no guarantee any of us are coming back from this," Shepard said softly.

Trakes sighed now. It was a rare sign of exhaustion, or maybe Shepard just didn't interact with the man often enough. Come to think of it, Shepard didn't even know much about him, save anything on his service records.

The lieutenant clapped the Commander's shoulder, saying, "Wouldn't have volunteered if I didn't think you could do it."

Before he could reply, Ashley was calling for him, and Trakes gave a light-hearted shrug before joining her. Shepard watched as she handed off a container of medigel and forced a smile, dropping her job on him as she switched places. She stripped off her gloves and disposed of them, then wordlessly nodded to Shepard as she headed out into the mess hall. He followed, pushing off the table with a tired grunt. Ashley took him quite a ways away from the med bay, stopping by the now unoccupied serving area to grab an energy bar.

"Want one?"

He shook his head. "I put anything in this stomach, I'm probably going to throw it back up."

She snorted and headed for the table, taking a seat on the edge of it. "I'd be in the same boat if I wasn't so damn exhausted all the time." He listened with half an ear as she tore into her snack. Shepard was watching the way she frowned as as she chewed, glaring at the glass between them and the remaining crew. Suddenly, she shook her head and set it aside. "You're blaming yourself."

Shepard blinked. "How'd you know that?"

"I might not remember things as easily as you, but I know you," Ashley retorted, shifting her gaze to match his. "You think it's your fault we lost the crew."

"It is. Nothing can change the fact that they're gone, though, so I'm trying not to think about it."

"You couldn't have known what was going to happen."

"But I should've been ready for it. I left _three_ of you here to protect the ship."

She shrugged. "And? You take two people to save the galaxy on a daily basis. We should've been able to defend the ship. I should've been able to save more guys. Thanks to the Collectors though, that wasn't going to happen." She looked back at the med bay. "Point is, it's not just your fault. We all had a hand in it. But like you said, there's nothing we can do to change it now."

"How _did_ you only manage to get Donnelly and Daniels out of that mess?"

"Yeah, I expected better from myself too."

"That's not what I meant. I've seen what you're capable of. It's just surprising that you only saved two people."

"Technically four," Ashley said. "Got them down into the vents and trapped Trakes in there with 'em. Joker came down and I saved his ass too."

Shepard frowned. "What was Joker doing in engineering?"

Ash shook her head and resumed eating her snack. Her brows furrowed again when she took a bite. "If he didn't tell you, I'm not going to. I'll probably give you the wrong idea when I try to explain it."

He could've ordered her to tell him. For a moment, Shepard was tempted to do just that, but instead, he remained silent. He'd asked her to take his word for so many things, so it was his turn to do the same. Whatever Joker had been doing, Ashley either didn't know, or wanted Shepard to hear the explanation from the pilot himself. That led him to believe it probably wasn't a good thing, but if it saved the _Normandy,_ it would be difficult for it to be a bad thing.

Shepard decided it better to change topics. "How are you holding up?"

"Fine, all things considered."

"You look pretty banged up now that I think about it."

One of Ashley's brows arched. "'Now that you think about it'? Were you staring at me, Commander?"

"I was concerned," he admitted, shrugging nonchalantly.

To his surprise, Ashley did the same. Shrug. "I'm in better shape than most of them. When EDI spaced the Collectors, I hit one of their guns and blasted myself in the stomach. Took a round to the chest, another in the shoulder when I was helping Joker. One of them tried to burn off my arm. I heal though, so y'know. It's not all bad. Stomach healed pretty nicely. Can't say the same for the rest of me."

He nodded and relaxed his stance a bit, following her gaze as it reverted back to the med bay. "Glad to hear it."

"Am I dismissed?" she asked, barely looking at him when she stood.

"Yeah, go ahead. Let me know if anything happens."

To his surprise, Ashley straightened and saluted. "Yes, sir." Then she returned to her newest post, and Shepard headed for the elevator. As he walked, a weird feeling settled in his gut, and he decided right then and there that he wasn't losing anyone. Her gesture had been too final; her own attempt to show what little respect they could manage in their current situation, and Shepard didn't want anyone else doing the same.

Shepard removed his helmet and sighed as the elevator carried him towards the CIC. He probably should've done that earlier, but it didn't matter. The cooler air that hit his face was a welcome relief to his hot skin. Whomever designed their hard suits needed to come up with a venting system so they wouldn't overheat so easily.

When the doors opened, his eyes fell on Chambers' empty posting. Shepard's expression hardened as he looked over the CIC, then the bridge. The _Normandy_ was too quiet without the crew's chatter, and despite having said it several times already, he knew their next destination would be the Omega 4 relay. Whatever the Collectors were doing with humans wasn't going to happen to these people. They'd supported him when Cerberus disavowed the entire ship, and he'd promised them he would do everything in his power to protect them.

The Commander intended to make good on that promise.


	48. Chapter 48

Two hours? That was all the longer it was going to take? God, Shepard didn't think that was enough time for him to even get _himself_ ready. How in hell was Joker going to have the _Normandy_ combat ready in two hours? They had less than ten crew members, only two of which were even capable of working, and they planned to assault the Collector homeworld.

 _Fuck,_ he was an idiot. Even with EDI unshackled, Shepard didn't expect this to be easy for Joker. They were headed to an unknown, planning on fighting an unknown, and most likely headed to die. Shepard didn't plan on dying again anytime soon, but if that was what it took to get this done, he wouldn't hesitate.

As he turned to step from the galaxy map's platform, Miranda appeared from Mordin's lab. She stopped a healthy distance away and stood at attention, arms clasped firmly behind her back. One of his brows threatened to rise, but Shepard didn't say a word when Miranda reported. "I couldn't say it back there, but...we're all with you, Commander. The team's ready. We won't let you down."

He forced a smile. They were going to hit the relay. It still didn't feel real, but it was happening. And like Miranda had said, the team _was_ ready. As ready as they'd ever be, and the _Normandy_ had spent over ten hours in drydock to get upgraded the last time they were at the Citadel. There wasn't much more anyone could do but wait, and Shepard hated waiting. The waiting before any fight was filled with dread and doubt, anxiety, fear. He briefly wondered if anyone expected to return from this fight alive.

"I know," he said. "Thank you, Miranda."

His second-in-command lifted her arm to her brow and saluted, something he didn't rightly expect she was capable of. It was an admission of respect, and Miranda wasn't one to be polite, let alone kind. "It's been an honor, Commander."

Shepard fought down his increasing uneasiness. First Ash and now Miranda? He was tempted to return to his cabin and lock himself inside for the next two hours just to avoid these goodbyes, but he straightened up himself, swung his arm up crisply, and returned the gesture. "Honor's all mine. I wouldn't have been able to do this without you."

Miranda laughed once. "Literally. See you soon, Commander."

"Likewise," he said, nodding as she disappeared down the elevator. Half tempted to wait for it to come back up, Shepard about-faced and marched towards the cockpit. With Joker's solution to the Collector problem being unshackling the resident AI, controlling the _Normandy_ shouldn't be too difficult without the crew.

When the pilot informed him of what had happened on his end, Shepard had started out somewhat irritated. AI were dangerous; he definitely didn't want one in control of the ship...but then he remembered it was EDI. EDI was different. Maybe because he knew her and she was the voice fed into his helmet's radio on missions, but he trusted her. When Miranda had started to go off on him, Shepard defended the pilot's decision, and EDI's subsequent 'you are my crewmates' statement only furthered his faith in both Joker and the AI.

The cockpit wasn't its usual blur of talking. EDI was listing off system reports while Joker compensated as necessary. The IFF had taken its toll on the ship, but according to everyone he'd asked, it was ready for use. He trusted EDI's assessment of the ship and trusted Ashley's promise that this was what they needed, but he couldn't help expecting their mission to come to an abrupt end when they hit the relay.

"Hello, Commander," EDI said. Her bubble appeared the same instant, flashing as she spoke. "The _Normandy_ is ready for the coming assault."

He didn't even bother to ask how she knew what he came here for. "You're sure?"

"Even if she wasn't, there's not much we can do now," Joker answered. "But...speaking of that, if you see Ash, tell her I need someone on the scanners. Just in case."

"EDI can't read them for you?"

"She can," Joker said. "But I figured Ashley would want something to do. She'd talk about being hopelessly bored when you left her on the ship. Then I'd...suggest she did something...uh...stupid. Like hacking computers and stuff."

"That was you? She didn't mention that."

He shrugged. "Funny though. Can't believe she listened." His hands flew over the controls for a brief second, adjusting the ship's speed as they dropped out of a relay's pathway and through another's. The secondary relay was barely a blur as the _Normandy_ interfaced. Then they were bouncing off it and rocketing to another system. Once they were safely on their way, Joker leaned around and continued, "Besides, EDI doesn't have a chance in hell of knowing what's on the other side of the Omega 4."

"Fine, fine. You don't have to explain yourself," Shepard said. "I get it entirely."

"Too bad she can't fly," Joker mused. "I _might've_ considered a copilot for this jump if she could. And don't tell her I said that; can't have it going to her head."

"Of course not," Shepard remarked, containing the sarcasm.

"Just like I can't tell you about all the fun stuff Ash told me you said on the SR-1."

"Wait, what?"

The pilot snorted a laugh. "A secret's a secret, Commander." His voice dropped to a whisper as he added, "But I hear you have crappy pick up lines."

Shepard made a mental note to say something about that too next time he saw her, but he doubted it was as...gossip-y as Joker made it out to be. Ashley didn't spend much time in the cockpit after Horizon, and before that, most of anything that left her mouth was confused questions about herself. Or in that case, Shepard. It was probably something innocent that Joker blew out of proportion. It sounded like something he'd do.

"Carry on, Moreau."

"Hey, Commander?"

Shepard paused in midstep. "What's up?"

"It...feels weird. Having Ash, but not Alenko. Know what I mean? We had Kaidan, but not Ashley when we went to Ilos. Now we have her, but not him. It bothers me."

He swallowed. "I wish Kaidan stuck around, too."

"Yeah, I miss having him up here. Easy to tease." He sighed. "But we've got you and Ash back, so it's not all bad. And I wouldn't fly for anyone else."

"Thanks, Joker. Let me know before you put us through the relay."

"You got it."

* * *

Half an hour later, Shepard had finally finished making sure his team was ready, and didn't quite know what to do with himself afterwards. He had free time, time to do whatever he wanted before things went to hell, but he didn't know what to do. Drinking away his worries was out of the question. Talking to Ash, Garrus, or Tali was too; Ash had the med bay to concern herself with, Garrus had the gun battery, and Tali was trying to fill in so many empty spaces in engineering that she was running herself ragged. Then again, the entire team in engineering was, but with EDI's help a once impossible task was now doable.

Eventually he found himself back in his cabin. Shepard figured it was time to send off another report to Anderson, no matter how unnecessary it really was, and ask about Kaidan. He'd, admittedly, done his best to forget about the biotic after he departed the ship. Whatever conversations they had were usually cold and ended with them arguing, and Shepard didn't want to bother himself with it. Kaidan had been rather unfair in his assessment of Shepard's position, but from what he understood, was somewhat sympathetic to Ashley. _That_ pissed him off, but then again, Shepard also understood that one of his closest friends hadn't died and come back with Cerberus tech planted in their head. He supposed he understood Kaidan's reasoning, but that didn't mean he had to like it.

It took him all of five minutes to sit down and start typing when he heard his door open. Out of habit, he shut the screen of his computer off and turned, frowning when Ashley stepped into view. "Now you just let yourself in?"

"I can go back out and knock," she said sarcastically.

Shepard snorted and shook his head. "It's fine. I thought you were busy."

"I was," she said, shrugging. "But everyone in the med bay is in stable condition and Mordin assures me he'll keep it that way."

Shepard just nodded as he left his desk, waving for her to follow him. He sat in the corner and swung his legs up, stretching, while she sat on the opposite end and mirrored him. "And you trust him to do that?"

"He knows what he's doing."

"Just figured you wouldn't like having a salarian working on human patients is all."

Ashley rolled her eyes. "I'm trying, okay? Besides, if any of them have a shot in hell at surviving, they need a real doctor, not someone who has to use detailed extranet descriptions of what to do."

"I'm sure you did the best you could."

She shrugged meekly and looked up, sighing. "And...you trust him. So...y'know...why not? I've trusted people on dumber whims before."

Shepard chuckled and scratched the back of his head. "Ah, well...usually I'm pretty good at picking people out. Good people, I mean. Even the ones who are going about everything the, uh, wrong way." He bumped her leg with his and her eyes snapped down to his, brows shooting up in a silent question. It was an awkward motion for him; he was still in his hard suit and he tried not to smash their knees together. Not that she'd feel it. "Why'd you come up here, Ash?"

"There's a good chance we'll be dead in a couple hours," she said, "and you looked a little...lost earlier. I thought it would be better if I got your mind off it for a while. Before we die. Again."

"No one's dying," Shepard said firmly. "None of us. We're going in, saving the crew, and blowing the Collectors to hell. Then we'll come back and we can go looking for dogs."

"The Reapers are coming."

"Didn't you say you came up here to take my mind off this crap? Stop talking about it."

Ashley scoffed. "Fair enough. All right, fine. Let's talk about these dogs you're so determined to get."

"What about them?"

"Where are we going to find them?"

Shepard blinked and Ashley gave him an expectant look, but there was a hint of humor in her eyes. He hadn't gotten that far, if he was going to be perfectly honest, and it was obvious she could tell. After a few seconds, Shepard just shrugged and grinned. "Who knows? There's bound to be strays we can rescue. It'll be like an adventure...minus the shooting and the swearing."

"Knowing you, you'll find a way to involve a gunfight," she teased. "It's not a good adventure until there's a dog lord preaching about cheese and why Canadians are little better than the French."

"What in _God's_ name are you talking about?"

Ashley shrugged and laughed, shaking her head. "I have no idea. It started out okay, but just..." She waved a hand past her face and whistled. "It went downhill fast."

Shepard nodded his agreement, saying, "I can see that."

"In all seriousness though, I love that you plan these kinds of things. The dogs, vanishing into the woods. It's adorable."

One of his brows went up and Ashley responded with a helpless motion. "Isn't it my job to say something you do is adorable?" Another helpless, slightly confused, wave of her hands. "I'm a man. We aren't adorable."

"I beg to differ."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. The way the corner of your mouth quirks when you're trying not to laugh? Adorable. Your plans? Also adorable. The fact that you're an N7, a supposed badass, makes it even better. If anyone knew how much of a softie you are, all your enemies would be actively gunning for you."

Shepard huffed as he leaned back into the wall, folding his arms over his chest. Her expression was completely straight, but he couldn't help feeling that she was still teasing him. That was something she was good at, even if it was a rare occurrence lately. He missed it, the carefully timed jabs. They'd been as common as before for quite a while, but it faded just as fast. Ash had gotten progressively more focused on their mission, and so had he. It didn't lend much time for them to just sit down and relax, though he admittedly enjoyed their brief foray through the Citadel, even if he'd been somewhat reluctant about it to begin with.

"Still nothing? I'm shocked."

"I was thinking," he retorted.

"Careful you don't strain yourself."

Shepard snorted, shaking his head when she sat back, clearly proud of that remark. "There are so many things I could say to that."

"I'm hurt that you wouldn't."

"Hurt? You? And here I thought you couldn't feel pain."

That earned him a boot in the thigh, and even with his armor on, it hurt. Not much, but he definitely felt it. For a split second, Shepard remembered wishing he had that immunity to pain, but it didn't take much to also remember the dark look she'd given him when he'd said it out loud. He got the idea that it made her feel less like a person and more like an engineered...thing.

"Just physical pain."

"Bet that makes it hard to 'interrogate' you."

"Interrogate," she mumbled, shaking her head in quiet amusement. "Yeah, sure. I needed it sugar-coated. Thanks, Shepard."

He shrugged, biting back the grin that threatened to surface. "You're touchy. Never know what might piss you off."

Ashley's expression mellowed instantly and she looked down at her hands, clasped firmly in her lap. "Yeah."

Shepard's brows furrowed in concern, and probably against his better judgment, he reached out to rest a comforting hand on her knee. "That's not what I meant, Ash. You've come a long way from...who you used to be."

"I had a good reason to try."

"I don't think you ever told me that. Or what it was, for that matter."

She shook her head. "If there wasn't a chance we would die, I wouldn't tell you."

"Then tell me."

Ashley fixed him with an intent stare. He recognized it; she used to do it all the time, uncaring of whether or not he noticed, but lately it had become a guarded, cautious thing. Whenever he thought she was looking at him like that, she'd immediately look away, or distract him with something else. It was sneaky, but smart.

"You remember that time you asked me if I considered you 'my' hero?"

One of his brows arched. "Yeah, you laughed at me and told me to stop being weird."

"You _were_ being weird," she retorted defensively. "But you were right. You saved my life more times than I can count, and as much as I hate to admit it, I developed a sense of hero worship that was probably a little on the unhealthy side."

He snorted a laugh. "A little?"

That earned him another kick, but it wasn't nearly as rough as the first. It was half-hearted, like she didn't really care. "When things got bad, I'd remind myself you needed me to straighten myself out so I wasn't dangerous. It helped. A lot. More than it should have."

"You're dangerous with or without that," he said. "And no, that's really not my reason behind it. I _needed_ you to straighten up so the crew was safe. I _wanted_ you to straighten up because I couldn't stand hearing about you hurting yourself, or listen to half the words that left your mouth without thinking of how different you were."

"It's not like I'm the same person I used to be."

Shepard smiled. It was as encouraging as he could make it, but that didn't amount to much. He was still stuck on how this could be the last conversation he really had with anyone. Then again, it wasn't like he would rather be talking to anyone else. If he was going to die, he wouldn't want to spend this time talking to someone different.

"So what?"

"So I'm a mess?"

Shepard snorted in amusement. "I'm a mess too. You've stuck with me through it. Who cares if you're a mess? Everyone deserves someone who can see past it. And besides, you and I are going looking for dogs when this is over, so I'm not letting you go _that_ easily."

"I'll agree to it on one condition."

"There's a condition now? I dunno, Ash. Now it's starting to sound like work."

"It's effortless," she said, sitting up and leaning forward. "Painless, even."

"Like I'm going to let you tell me what's painless," Shepard remarked.

Ashley rolled her eyes, but waved for him to sit up too. He groaned lazily before shoving himself upright, and as soon as he did, she moved beside him to rest her head on his shoulder. It was probably uncomfortable, but she didn't comment on it.

"Instead of telling me we're running off into a forest somewhere to raise kids and dogs, just tell me you love me and be done with it."

Shepard blinked, stunned, and started laughing once he regained his senses. "Was I that transparent?"

"Obviously. I just didn't really think about it until today."

Shepard snorted another laugh. To hell with it. To hell with everything. As much as he wanted to survive what was coming, the chance he wouldn't was still there, and he wasn't going to let himself die without telling her she was important to him. "Yeah, I do. I love you. And I would've told you before, but it never felt right. We were always arguing about something, or you were having trouble, or I was, or one of us was in a mood, or one of us was hurt."

"How about now?"

"It feels like you made me say it by promising me dogs," he said.

Ashley laughed as she relaxed against him. It was slight, barely noticeable, but it meant a lot. She trusted him enough to try, and maybe that was her own way of telling him she cared. Shepard didn't mind the silence that lapsed when she didn't respond, either. It was nice. Granted, it felt like they were just trying to remind themselves that they weren't dead, but it was nice. It was rare for him to get a minute of peace and quiet, and whenever he did, it usually came at the cost of pissing her off about something. It was hard to forget, and even harder to ignore, that this was only happening because they might end up dead within the next three hours.

Eventually, he let himself relax too, and rested his cheek on the top of her head. Ashley made a noise in her throat, but from the way it sounded, she was half-asleep when she did it. Her breathing only reinforced that; too calm, too spacious. Shepard focused on it to help ignore everything else going on, and found it surprisingly relaxing.

That was the first time it really sunk in. Ashley was alive. She didn't hate him for what happened on Virmire. Far from it. She'd forgiven him years ago, back when he was dead and she wasn't, and that maybe it was time he started to forgive himself. After all, she'd been the one to get hurt. His decision had gotten her killed, brought back in a matter of weeks, and left her in the middle of Cerberus' experiments. And despite all of it, Ash was sleeping beside him. _On_ him.

He let out a breath and she shifted. "What?"

"I can hear you thinking," she mumbled into his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

Shepard huffed indignantly. "Just because I'm thinking doesn't mean something's wrong."

"I can feel the difference in the way you're sitting," she retorted. "You stiffened out of the blue."

"I'm wearing my hard suit. You're wearing yours."

"Fine, fine. But you smell like eezo and blood. You should get it cleaned."

"You're telling me I smell?"

"I'm telling you my senses have been going forwards, backwards, and sideways since we got the IFF. Eezo doesn't have a smell. I shouldn't be able to _smell_ that you're a biotic." Shepard stiffened again and she sighed. "It's not a big deal. Just enjoy whatever time we have left, okay? Can you do that?"

"Only if you say it back."

"Then come back alive."


	49. Chapter 49

"We should probably go and get ready."

Shepard hated to say it, and from the grunt he got as a response, he assumed Ashley hated to hear it. How much they hated it didn't necessarily matter however; both were on their feet in a matter of seconds. Shepard skirted her and the coffee table for his desk, deciding his report to Anderson could wait until when they got back (if they got back), and grabbed his helmet. Ash passed him for the elevator, holding the doors as he jogged inside.

He stared at the N7 decal, frowning, while she hit the button to take them down to deck one. "I just realized how much this bothers me."

Ashley glanced at him. "What?"

"Cerberus. Giving me N7 armor," he answered.

She shrugged and said, "Free armor. Works like it's supposed do, does what it's supposed to. Why complain?"

"Because it's Cerberus tech."

Ash snorted. "I'll give you that one, sir. But if there's one thing Cerberus can do right, it's build a set of armor." Shepard tilted his head to the side and eyed her, brows furrowing as he took in her own hard suit. White and black plates, far less exposed support material, and yet she seemed to have a better range of motion than he did.

He cleared his throat and looked away when he realized she was smirking. Not looking back at him, just smirking. "Fair point," he agreed. Instead of continuing the brief conversation, he straightened up and clasped his arms behind his back, resisting the urge to bounce on his feet. "What do you think we'll find in there?"

Ashley's eyes flicked over to his, but darted away just as fast. The doors opened and she stepped onto the deck, headed for the armory without another word. Shepard hung his head, sighing, and followed her. Whatever that meant, he could already say that reaction didn't make him think this was going to be easy. He could've figured that out for himself, but Ashley's blatant disregard for the question made his skin crawl. Either she knew and it was just that bad, or she had no idea and didn't want to worry about it.

Shepard sincerely hoped it was the latter.

When he crossed the threshold, he noticed that they weren't the only ones who had decided it was time to get off their asses. Trakes, Garrus, Thane. The drell was already armed with his sniper and his submachine gun, lounging against the wall while everyone else went about their own preparations. Trakes, who he'd only seen carry that rifle of his, now had a handgun strapped to his hip and a knife slotted into his belt. His rifle was in pieces on the table in front of him, presumably for any last minute checks and a quick cleaning. Garrus was right beside him, sticking with his usual combination of a sniper and an assault rifle, but working away all the same.

Shepard did a once-over of the armory before making his way towards the heavy weapons. Most of his gear was ready to go and stashed in his equipment locker; he hadn't really touched it after returning to the ship to begin with. He still had fresh clips in their respective pouches on his hard suit. All he needed now was to grab his grenade launcher and the rest of his guns, and he'd be ready.

Setting his helmet down on the table, he grabbed one of the _Normandy's_ many launchers and began loading it. Each round clicked into place neatly, leaving him with six shots in its canister. Satisfied, he snapped it shut and locked it into its holster between his shoulder blades. One look at the rest of them and he thought it would be stupid to leave them behind; why was he the only one that carried a heavy weapon anyway? They could use the extra firepower, especially where they were going.

Shepard loaded a second, then a third, and a fourth. "Ash, head's up." He threw one of the launchers across the room and she caught it without even looking in his direction, setting it aside beford returning her attention to her battle rifle. "Trakes?"

"Commander." The lieutenant turned, eyes widening as his lips pulled back into a grin.

"You remember how to use one of these?"

He nodded. "Hell yeah, sir."

Shepard tossed the third to Trakes, eyes flicking to Garrus as the turian waited expectantly. He didn't have to ask; Garrus got the fourth. Once that was dealt with, he strode across the armory to his locker, removing the rest of his guns. His pistol went to his hip. The shotgun was placed at the small of his back, his assault rifle on his right shoulder.

There wasn't anything he could do now but wait. "EDI, what's our ETA?"

"The _Normandy_ will begin its approach to the relay in ten minutes, Commander."

He nodded, running a hand down the back of his neck. He could feel the tension coiling in his muscles; however relaxing it was to just sit with Ash didn't seem to matter. Barely five minutes later and he was already starting to feel the stress and anxiety creep back up on him. Granted, he had expected it earlier, but it had been nice not having that annoying tick there to bug him.

Shepard braced his hands flat on the table, letting out an anxious puff of air, before grabbing his helmet. He tossed it between his hands, sighed. One way or another, this mission would end today.

"Ash, cockpit. Five minutes."

"You got it."

"The rest of you, be at your stations by the time we hit the relay." Garrus, Thane, and Trakes gave their affirmatives as he pulled on his helmet. The indicator for his barrier appeared almost instantly on his visor, a small little percentage bar flashing steadily away. "Jacob, keep me updated on the drive core. Anything happens, I want to hear about it."

"Understood, Commander."

Shepard gave the room one final once over, nodding to himself. Ashley was packing grenades into her backpack, Jacob was running checks on their supply of thermal clips, Thane was watching silently as he ran his fingers over his rifle, Trakes was reassembling his, and Garrus was cleaning the outer edges of his assault rifle. The silence that hung over them was nearly nauseating, but Shepard said nothing; he understood.

He turned and marched out the door, headed for the bridge, and then the cockpit, to get a good grasp of what was going on. Shepard let out a sad sigh as he passed the empty stations, glancing at monitors whose readings were now being monitored by EDI. He hated walking past those things; all they did was remind him he failed, and Shepard wasn't big on remembering his failures. He was the kind of man to get hung up on them, to let them eat away at him all day, and it wasn't something they needed right now.

As he strode into the cockpit, he caught sight of the massive red relay looming in the distance. His jaw tightened. This wasn't how they'd planned the mission, their _suicide_ mission, but he would be damned if he backed out now. Too many lives depended on them.

"How's it coming, Joker?"

"As well as it can, Commander," he replied. "Lawson's on her way up from deck two. Is—"

"Ashley's on her way," Shepard interrupted. "Just focus on getting us to the relay. We'll handle the rest."

"Have to get you on-site too," Joker groused.

"That's what we have the shuttle for."

The pilot snorted. "Yeah, 'cause that dinky ass thing is going to get you past their ships. While youre out there trying to land, I'm gonna be stuck up here getting shot at."

"At least you're not getting shot at by giant bugs," Shepard retorted.

"Nah, just their giant bug ships, Commander. Big difference."

"On the bright side, your gun is bigger than mine."

Joker didn't say anything at first, but let out a laugh for the ages. "As long as it has more firepower." Shepard sighed, bemused, and shook his head as the door opened. Miranda trooped inside with Ashley on her heels. Miranda took her place with Shepard, arms crossed as she stared intently out the viewport, frowning. Shepard followed her gaze, watching the relay as its rings spun around a central point. It looked almost...lazy. He didn't think much on it; it wasn't like the relay saw much traffic.

"You need me for something?" Ashley interjected.

"Scanners," Joker said quickly. "Lemme know when you start picking something up on them."

"You...want me on your scanners," Ash said, skeptical, "when you have an AI loose."

"Jeff believes it smarter to have someone spotting him when they know what to expect," EDI interrupted. Her blue bubble appeared just out of Shepard's view, but that didn't mean he couldn't see the glow she casted over the cockpit. It was rather dark compared to other areas of the ship.

Shepard's eyes flicked over to Ashley as she grunted. "You say that like I've been there before. I've just seen their ships."

"Ash..."

"I'm on it," she said defensively, dropping into the navigator's designated position with a huff of irritation. "But just so you know, I'm not going to be seeing anything EDI won't. Me sitting here isn't going to give us much of an advantage if they send their cruiser after us."

"Eh. You're near the airlock," Joker teased. "Meat shield."

"Nice to know where we stand. When this is over, maybe I'll take up flight lessons and replace you."

"You can't replace the best pilot in the Alliance," Shepard said.

Ashley laughed. "Try me, Commander."

"Allow me to rescind that comment from earlier," Joker remarked.

"Can it you two," Shepard ordered. "Joker, focus on getting through the relay. Ash, you do whatever he tells you to do, when he tells you to do it."

"Roger that."

"Aye aye, Commander."

The cockpit went silent. Miranda hadn't said a word during the exchange, and that led Shepard to believe she either didn't care, or was keeping to herself for a reason. It was probably a mix of both, which he could understand. He wasn't in a talkative mood himself, and listening to Joker and Ash bicker wasn't helping. All it did was grate on his nerves.

Shepard squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep, calming breath. The air was colder in the small room, but it felt good in his lungs.

"Beginning approach to the Omega 4 mass relay," Joker reported. His voice echoed in Shepard's ears as it crackled over the ship's intercom.

"This IFF isn't going to do much if their ship is docked," Miranda said.

"We need it to get through the relay too," Ashley snapped. "And even if their ship is docked, they won't be able to lock onto us."

"So just don't fly straight," Miranda said sarcastically. "That's a great plan."

"We've made do with worse," Shepard said quietly. "Joker?"

"Hitting the relay in three—" Its rings started spinning faster the closer the _Normandy_ got. "—two...one." A red glow, not dissimilar to the blue from any other mass relay, enveloped the ship as it launched them on their way.

Relay travel was near instantaneous. The longer they travelled, the worse the knot in Shepard's stomach got. He had a bad feeling about all of this. After ten seconds with no real change in scenery, he started counting in his head. He got all the way to thirty before Joker started asking EDI for reports on the _Normandy's_ systems. EDI didn't seem to notice anything amiss, so Shepard allowed himself that small comfort.

"Dropping out of FTL," Joker said.

Shepard had no clue how he knew that, but the pilot also had systems monitoring their speeds right in front of him. Once the _Normandy_ began to noticeably slow, it was already too late to do anything. The ship jerked to a slower pace in a matter of seconds as they exited faster-than-light travel, dropping them right in the middle of a massive debris field.

"Shit! Brace for evasive maneuvers! EDI, plot us a course through this damn mess!"

"Plotted."

The ship banked as Joker attempted to get them through their current situation, and he said, "Everybody hang on. Gonna be one hell of a ride!" Something slammed into the ship and knocked Shepard forward, locking a hand around Joker's chair. He heard Miranda hit the floor (or maybe the wall) and Ash shouted at the pilot to use his safety harness. Joker didn't seem to be paying any attention, so Shepard leaned forward and smacked his fist off the button. "The armor's holding, Commander, but I can't say for how long."

"What the hell hit us?" he demanded.

"Part of a ship," Ashley answered. "That's, uh, what it looks like on here. Couldn't tell you what, though."

"Yeah," Joker muttered. He leaned around his screens to peer out a viewport and Shepard followed his gaze. "Some of these things look _ancient._ "

"Look at the size of those things." Miranda. "There's enough salvage out here to build an entire fleet."

Shepard ignored them. "EDI, how's our heading?"

"Clear, Commander," the AI reported. "The debris field is keeping us hidden from the Collectors' radar, but—"

"They wouldn't use radars in this mess," Joker interrupted. "That's just stupid. You got anything back there, Ash?"

"Not yet," she said. "I doubt it's going to last."

Shepard snorted as he looked back to the viewport. Chunks of ships floated past as the _Normandy_ followed EDI's course, cruising as smoothly as possible past the debris. He could see what Joker had been talking about; there were ships of obvious turian design hanging around, but it wasn't anything he recognized. Old. Older than old, probably.

 _Ancient was a good word,_ he decided.

Some of the hunks of metal looked like escape pods, beaten beyond recognition, and Shepard didn't want to imagine what the people who had used them had been thinking. He'd been spaced before. He knew it was terrifying, but Shepard had witnessed his crew's escape. He didn't want to know what it had been like to watch everyone he knew and loved die.

"Commander? There's something you should—"

A red beam shot just over the cockpit, slamming into what looked like a chunk of the hull, and sheared it clean in half. EDI said something about adjusting their path to avoid the separating debris, and Joker's hands started flying over his panels.

"Lose them in the debris field," Joker said to the AI.

"You better not tell me that's a fucking Reaper," Shepard snapped, turning to march past Miranda to Ashley's side.

"It's not _technically_ a Reaper—"

"How is something not 'technically' a Reaper?" Miranda demanded furiously.

"Well, I'm not 'technically' a Reaper, but the husks seem to think I am."

"So what in God's name shot at us?"

"According to you, a Reaper," Ashley said. "According to the Reapers, it's a fighter. An oculus."

"Fighters?" Joker asked, incredulous. "They have _fighters_ now? Did I hear that right?"

"Yeah, unfortunately."

"Can you see them?" Shepard asked.

Ashley shook her head. "Tracking anything in this is difficult. These things are smaller than an Alliance shuttle."

He frowned as he leaned over her shoulder, watching carefully as she inspected and swiped away signatures on her screen. She whipped through them faster than he could comprehend, and for a half a second, he was glad she knew what she was looking for.

"What do they look like?"

Ashley tilted her head to look him in the eye, but she paused. "Uh...that."


	50. Chapter 50

Ashley liked to think she was fearless. Cerberus had ripped away any and all emotion from her on day one, and that included fear. And for the most part, that had stuck throughout their mission. Then again, she hadn't been shot at by a Reaper fighter or been on a crashing ship since joining Shepard's team. Nope, both of those were firsts. Firsts she was suddenly wishing she'd never experienced.

As the _Normandy_ skidded across the outer hull of the Collectors' "homeworld," she could practically hear her bones break. She knew she heard _something_ break, but whether that was one of her ribs or some part of the ship, she wasn't sure. Part of her hoped it was a rib; they didn't need technicians to fix a broken rib. Fixing the ship, though, that was going to be a pain in the ass.

The ship jerked to a stop hard enough that she was pretty sure she could add whiplash to her steadily increasing list of injuries. Just like her emotions, Cerberus removed her ability to feel pain, but even that was slowly coming back at random intervals. Ashley wished it would stay away; feeling pain wasn't a liability she could afford right now. Not if she wanted to get out of this alive, and she had every intention of it.

"Everybody all right? Ash? Joker?"

The pilot groaned. "I think I broke a rib." She heard him shifting around in his chair before giving another groan of pain. "Or all of them."

Ashley let out a breathless laugh as her head fell back against the chair's cushioning. "You sure that's all?"

Joker laughed too, but it was more strained. "What I wouldn't give to be a Cerberus engineered nutcase right about now."

Her hand sought out the release for her safety harness and she practically fell to the floor. She shook her head to help clear it, reaching for her backpack, and said, "You'd break your bones before they could heal."

All four of them laughed to some varying degree. It felt good, helped take her mind off the terror creeping through her. Today was a shitty day. First the Collectors attacked the ship and abducted the crew, then the oculus virtually destroyed the cargo hold, and now they'd crash-landed on the massive ship the Collectors lived in. Granted, they'd also blown up their cruiser, so it wasn't all bad. Watching that damn thing go up was one of the best moments of her life.

A hand, probably Shepard's, locked around her arm and pulled her upright. She nearly fell on him, much to Joker's delight, before she regained her bearings to push him back and stand on her own two feet.

"Yeah, hug it out," he teased. "Don't mind me, dying over here."

"Multiple core systems overloaded crash," EDI reported. "Restoring operation will take time."

Miranda ignored the remark, and so did the Commander, so Ashley elected to do the same. "We all knew this would likely be a one-way trip."

Shepa ignored that too as he made his way back towards Joker. "See what you and EDI can do to get this ship operational. This might be a suicide mission, but I plan to live to tell about it."

"Glad you're the one in charge," Joker grumbled.

"EDI, send the team up to the debriefing room," Shepard ordered. "We need a new plan of attack." He turned back to Joker. "Is the ship safe here?"

"The explosion seems to have knocked out many of the base's primary functions and capabilities. The _Normandy_ will be safe in her current location, Commander," EDI answered.

"Percentages, EDI," Shepard said. "How likely is it that we'll be located?"

"There is a ten percent chance that—"

Shepard fixed his gaze on Ashley and she instinctively stood up a little straighter. "Think you can handle the perimeter solo?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then hop to it," he ordered.

Ashley nodded, anxious, and followed Shepard and Miranda onto the bridge. There she branched off and headed for the airlock. Once there, she punched the command codes into the keypad and waited for the compartment to pressurize. While it did that, she swung her backpack off her shoulders and pulled out her helmet—the old one. It had taken weeks to repair, months even, due to her frequent forays out into firefights with Commander Shepard. At first, Ashley hadn't even thought it was salvageable; neither had EDI. Sensors and gauges were completely destroyed, and repairing it meant ripping it apart almost entirely.

She was actually afraid to use it, and she didn't care if she admitted it or not. It had been linked to the Illusive Man's personal servers. That way, whatever she recorded on missions was immediately available for him to view. Whether or not it was still capable of that after her tampering, she wasn't exactly sure, but after Harbinger snapped the visor and mouthpiece off her _last_ helmet, Ashley wasn't eager to expose anything vital to the Collectors.

The familiar sound of the interior door opening hit her ears and she put the thing on without another thought. After returning her backpack to its usual place, Ashley reached for her battle rifle and stepped off the ship, landing solidly on the ground several feet below. It jarred her teeth and hurt her sides, but she dismissed her body's protests to search for a suitable place to camp out. Her first choice was the outcropping between her and the _Normandy's_ wing; it gave her a suitable vantage point and put something solid at her back. That was probably as safe as she was going to get on this...ship.

Ashley climbed into place, jumping several feet to get as high as she dared, before sitting at an angle. With the way the...rock...thing...was formed, she had to stretch her leg out to brace herself, and let the other dangle over the ledge she'd scaled. Something in her thigh pulled and she winced, inhaling deeply to keep from cursing.

 _Can't feel pain,_ she thought sarcastically. _Why can't that ever work when I want it to?_

Right, because according to Chakwas, she wasn't really feeling anything. Just a ghost of a memory. Ashley wasn't sure if she liked that "human" part of her. That was, admittedly, the only thing she wouldn't change about what Cerberus did to her. After getting into a fistfight with a krogan back on Tuchanka, Ashley was keenly aware of how lucky she was to be able to ignore her body's warnings.

That being said, Ashley still wished that uncomfortable itch she usually got in place of pain was harder to ignore. It hadn't happened during her time with Shepard, but on more than one occasion while she was with Cerberus, ignoring that itch almost got her killed.

The projected flash of her helmet linking with her hard suit nearly scared her half to death. It had been several months since she'd used the thing; normal helmets didn't boot up. She knew she was lucky for hers to do more than just protect her head and keep track of her shields, but God, she hated scaring herself like that.

"Fuck me," she grumbled, settling into her perch. Between the grenade launcher and the rest of the crap she was carrying in her backpack, sitting here was going to get uncomfortably annoying.

Ashley let her head fall back against the stone. It wasn't really relaxing, but it was the closest thing she was going to get for God only knows how long. Her eyes drifted shut as she forced her heart rate to slow, relying on her hearing to keep track of everything going on over her sight. With her helmet rebooting, distractions were going to be commonplace. It was smarter to use her ears instead.

No sounds from her right, where the _Normandy_ was. Nothing from the left, where several holes had been punched in the base's hull by the frigate's cannons. Nice and quiet, which was exactly what she needed.

Ashley sighed and forced her eyes open, looking up past the Collector base's mass effect fields to see what was beyond. A belt of debris drifted past towards the orangish-red glow coming from the galactic core. Whatever the Collectors used to counter the gravity pulling the debris in was some powerful stuff. It had to be Reaper tech; what else could it be?

A scuttling sound reached her ears and she snapped to attention, looking back toward the holes leading into the base. She swung her rifle around to rest on the stone covering her body and peered below, searching for the source. One lone Collector, alternating between climbing and hovering its way towards the _Normandy._

 _There's always another bug right behind it._

She sunk back down and turned on her radio. "Commander, I've got movement out here."

There was a crackle and a whine, screeching in her ear before he replied. "How bad?"

"Right now it's just a single Collector," she whispered, watching as it jumped several yards towards the cockpit. "But we know they travel in packs."

"Do what you think is best, Ash."

She sighed and lifted her rifle back up. As it went to jump again, Ashley shifted her aim so her gun was pointed at its head, and she pulled the trigger. The Collector jerked in midair as the burst hit its mark, then fell back to the ground. Ashley stared after it through the scope of her rifle, brows furrowing, as she waited for its supposed friends to return fire.

When nothing happened for several minutes, Ashley risked moving. She sat back and rested her gun on her lap, looking at the ship in all its damaged glory. Plating was sheared off from contact with debris, holes were blasted in its hull from the oculus, but the _Normandy_ was still capable of combat. Once it was flying again, anyway. And she had all the confidence in the world that she would be flight-worthy once they got back.

Ashley looked back to her hands and let out a huff. She had to believe they'd get back. Otherwise, she was already dead.

"Commander Shepard requested I forward you a layout of the base," EDI said, interrupting her thoughts. "It's on your omni-tool now."

"What? Why?"

"He has also requested that I 'let you yell at him instead of me,'" the AI answered.

Ashley frowned and looked up towards the airlock. "Are they on their way?"

"Yes, I believe so."

She grabbed her Vindicator and got to her feet, making her way back down the rock. It was slow going, considering her mouth went dry at any drop over five feet, but she made it to her destination just as Shepard jumped to the ground. Garrus and Thane followed him off the ship, and her frown deepened.

"What's going on?"

"We've had a...minor setback," Shepard said. "EDI's scans of the base show the best location to set the bomb, but getting there is going to be a problem. The Collectors have locked the entire area down until they can make sure we're dead and patch up these breaches."

Ashley blinked and her eyes flicked to Garrus, who was carrying what she assumed was the improvised explosives in a bag tied to his hip. "Okay, and?"

"And I need you to take the rest of the crew around the other way," he said. "Legion is heading into a system of vents; he knows where to find it. You make sure he gets in there so the three of us can reach the navpoint. We'll escort him once he's inside, but you need to make sure he gets through, or none of us will be getting very far."

She blinked again as her brows furrowed. Was she hearing him correctly? Shepard wanted _her,_ the lunatic who was way too close with the Reapers, to lead a team of aliens through a base infested with Reaper ground forces?

"Have you lost your mind?" she demanded. "The last time I led a team anywhere, we got attacked by a _goddamn_ Reaper!"

"Okay, well I'm pretty sure there's no Reaper in here, and there's one geth," Shepard retorted. "And he's not going to shoot you. Besides, we don't have the time to argue about this. I need you to get them through those doors, all right? Can you do that?"

Ashley sighed, but nodded. "Yes, Commander."

"See you on the other side." He bumped her shoulder with a hand before waving Garrus and Thane after him, and then headed down into the base. Ashley watched for several seconds, irritated with both him and herself, before grunting. She made her way towards the rest of Shepard's crew, waiting rather impatiently for her. None of them looked very thrilled to see her, or maybe that was just their usual expressions and she didn't know that because she kept to herself.

She switched on her omni-tool and displayed the navpoint on her visor, watching as the indicator flashed to her right.

"All right," she muttered to herself. "Uh, Massani, Grunt, on me. Biotics stick to the rear. Stick to supporting the rest of us until I say so, or you need to. Everyone else, stay between us." Once they'd managed to shuffle themselves around, Ashley spread her hands and stepped aside. "Legion, lead the way."

The geth pulled its sniper rifle off its back and jumped down the edge of their current platform, and as soon as she was sure Zaeed and Grunt had taken up their appointed positions, Ashley followed it down into the Collector base. The drop was several feet higher than she anticipated, but she didn't give herself the chance to back out. She stepped off the ledge and landed solidly beside Legion as it searched the small chamber for an access point.

"Trakes, watch the door."

"On it, _ma'am,_ " he said. The lieutenant trooped past with that cocky smirk of his plastered to his face, taking up a position behind one of the Collectors' consoles. Ashley tried not to roll her eyes as she joined the geth, bent over another console.

"Can you get inside?" she asked.

"Yes," it said.

The sound of Legion's voice grated on her nerves, but she didn't comment. Shepard trusted it; she could make herself trust it too.

Ashley looked past it to the ventilation shaft. It had a maintenance door, or what she thought was a maintenance door, on their side. "Hang on." She stepped up to it, frowned, and kicked the hinge at the best angle she could manage. It popped off after another solid whack and she pulled the metal free, tossing it aside carelessly. The door clattered on the floor, but it didn't necessarily matter. She had plenty of people to watch her back. They might not be happy about it, but they'd do it.

"Does that help?"

"Yes," it repeated, walking up beside her. "Inform Shepard-Commander of your success."

"Got that," she grumbled as she returned to the rest of the team. Legion was already making its way down the shaft when she turned on her radio. "Legion's in the vents, Commander, and we're in position."

"Copy that," he said. "Run into any of our friends yet?"

"All's quiet on our end."

"Understood. See you soon."

Ashley had barely waved the lot of them on when Trakes fell back. "We got a lot of Collectors up ahead. They're entrenched and have the high ground."

If she didn't have her helmet on, Ashley would've had to face palm. "All right. Get back in position behind me." He nodded and did as told, flipping some sort of switch on his rifle. While she made her way forward, she put a hand up to her ear and said, "Scratch that, Commander. We've got company."

"Yeah, same here. Keep moving."

Ashley switched off her comm and pointed at the door, silently ordering the rest of them to follow. Grunt smacked his giant fists together excitedly before drawing his shotgun, and she was suddenly glad they had the krogan. He could take just as much, if not more, punishment as she could and keep going. And if there was one thing she'd seen get him going, it was a challenge.

"Hey Grunt."

He growled. "Yeah?"

"You ready to see who's more of a krogan?" Grunt chuckled in that rumbling voice of his and nodded. There was something comforting about having a bloodthirsty krogan on her side, but as much as she knew _he_ couldn't resist a challenge, neither could she.

 _I'll be paying for this later._


	51. Chapter 51

_Oh, this is bad._

Two of those huge bugs, praetorians from what Trakes had called the first one they ran into, were jumping out of tunnels running along the ceiling. They outran the first, pulling up short when they found a suitable point to trap it. Killing it when it couldn't shoot back at them was a simple matter, but these two had all the space they could want, plus so many Collectors that Ashley could hardly stand without getting shot at. And unfortunately for them, this was the Collectors' home turf; one giant insect hive with enough twists and turns to lose someone in a matter of seconds.

Ashley was just glad she had the layout of the base on her omni-tool. Otherwise, they'd have never made it to the doors alive. Injured to varying degrees, but alive. She tried to take the brunt of it, but there was only so much she could handle, and even Grunt was having a hard time keeping up. The medigel she was carrying was already depleted, and people were still bleeding.

She risked peeking around the edge of her cover, a thin support strut, and got a blast from one of the Collectors' guns in response. Luckily for her, she had the chance to see it coming. Moving at all got her shot at. That wasn't anything new, but being trapped was. She had over ten people waiting on Legion here, yet that still wasn't enough. They were being swarmed.

 _Worse than bad,_ she decided. _We are so fucked._

Ashley tried dropping into a crouch before lifting her arm up to her radio. "Legion, we needed those doors open five minutes ago!" The geth didn't reply. She swore and tried shifting for a better view of the ventilation shaft, but was rewarded with another shot towards her head. She didn't even look in its general direction; instead, Ashley just pointed her gun around the corner and pulled the trigger, hoping that would somehow help their current situation. Needless to say, it really didn't.

"Does anybody have eyes on that damn geth?"

"We've got him over here, but the Collectors have us trapped," Miranda answered. "We can't move without taking fire."

Ashley had never been so relieved in her entire life. Scratch that, never so relieved since Virmire. Shepard and Kaidan saving her ass on Eden Prime was right up there with hearing Legion made it out of the vents.

She shut her comm off and swapped her battle rifle out for the grenade launcher Shepard gave her earlier. Getting it out from under her backpack was a chore, but it wasn't impossible. "Trakes!"

He was across the pathway from her, maybe ten yards at the most, but he managed to hear. As he dropped back into cover, she flashed the heavy weapon at him and he nodded, throwing her a quick thumbs up. He set his rifle aside to pull out his own grenade launcher and after he double-checked that it was loaded, waited for her signal to fire.

She held up three fingers, counted down. It felt like the Collectors stopped firing. The world could've stopped and she wouldn't have noticed. Stepping out of cover was probably going to get her killed, but she did it anyway, and so did Trakes. When she pulled the trigger, three Collectors exploded into meaty chunks and splattered off their friends. One of the praetorians hit the floor, but wasn't dead. She shifted her aim to the one that was still flying, allowing Trakes to take care of the one he was already dealing with.

Unfortunately for her, the praetorian saw it coming. The blast from her shot threw it into the wall with a sickening crunch, but its shot hit her in the gut and knocked her feet from beneath her. For several long seconds, Ashley just laid there, trying to process what happened, trying to understand what the hell was going on around her. She felt like someone hit her with a grenade as it went off, but at the same time, she didn't feel a thing. It was such a weird combination that her head spun, or maybe that was from being hit with two of those blue beams those things shot.

Breathing hurt. Her lungs were screaming, but she hadn't been hit in the chest. It took her a second to realize she was blocking the systems that vented in oxygen; rolling over would solve that problem. It might even shut up whoever the hell was shouting at her to move.

Was that smoke? She smelled smoke and burnt metal. That probably wasn't helping her breathe any easier.

 _Need to move,_ she thought. _I'm dead out here._

A foot shoved itself under her abdomen and rolled her over. In the span of two seconds, Ashley had a hand around her handgun and had it pointed at the owner, and the trigger pulled the instant she knew it belonged to a Collector. She didn't even bother to read the warnings her helmet was flashing, but instead rolled to her feet and leapt the barricade behind her.

She smacked the release for her visor and let out a breath as she sucked in unfiltered air. "Oh. My. God."

Someone beside her laughed. It was Tali. "Are you okay?"

Ashley prodded her stomach, but she didn't see any blood when she pulled her hand away, and nothing felt burned. In short, she felt like she'd been kicked. Really, really hard. But she was fine, save the bruises she was sure to have later.

"Fine," she managed, dropping her head back against the barrier. "Shields...took the hit."

Tali leant back, took a look for herself. She laughed again and shook her head in disbelief, and Ash laughed too. It was pained, but it was a laugh. "Don't scare me like that, bosh'tet."

"Scared the hell out of me, so I think we're even." Tali went to reply, but was cut off by a yellow beam smacking through the top of the barricade. Ashley turned her radio back on and said, "Please tell me Legion's still moving."

"At the door," Miranda replied.

Ashley sat up a bit, just as much as she dared, and sighed in relief. Most of the team had fallen back to protect the geth as it tried to clear the final checkpoint, but the shaft was still taking heavy fire. There were cracks splintering over the glass, and if they didn't do something soon, the Collectors would cut Legion down like butter.

"Just like the old days," Tali remarked.

"Yeah, except we were fighting geth instead of asking them to save our asses," Ashley said.

Tali paused, then shrugged. "Just one."

Legion cleared the last obstruction and dropped into the room beyond the doors. Before she could stun herself stupid, Ashley smacked her visor shut and holstered her pistol, pulling her battle rifle off her back instead. Just as she finished reloading it, the doors opened, and she could've cried with the level of relief she felt.

"Fall back!" she shouted. "Tali, go. I'll cover you."

She nodded and returned her shotgun to her back before taking off. Ashley leapt to her feet and raised her rifle, taking aim at one of the bugs. It had its gun levelled at Tali's back, but one quick pull of the trigger and it collapsed. Ashley had the chance to kill three others and start on a fourth by the time someone, sounded like Zaeed with all the cursing, shouted for her to get moving. She turned and ran, flinching away from one of the beams, and slipped through the doors as they slammed shut.

"Anybody hurt?" It was Shepard, walking up in front of the lot of them. She got a couple goofy looks, but no one said anything, and that seemed to satisfy the Commander. He nodded, seemingly to himself, before starting to rattle off a list of orders.

Ashley wasn't listening. When Miranda stepped away from the crowd, her eyes locked on the movement, and as soon as she saw where the ex-Cerberus agent was headed, her eyes widened. Pods. Dear God, there were so many of those pods here. They were hanging from the walls, the ceiling. Tubes ran from each row and headed up into the ceiling as well, disappearing from view in the dark.

"Shepard, you need to see this." That seemed to be the first time he really looked at their surroundings, but with that helmet on, Ashley couldn't get any idea of what was going through his head. "Looks like one of the missing colonists," Miranda added, gesturing to one of the nearby pods.

Ashley saw the woman's head jerk a little. Maybe because Shepard touched the glass?

"There's more over here!" Thane exclaimed. "It's the crew!"

Something started venting out the sides of the pod. The colonist started twitching again, and after a second, her eyes opened. The closer Ashley looked, the worse the woman's situation seemed. Shepard started to pull on the side, trying to open it, but something was under her skin. It almost looked like...she was melting. Whatever it was, her dulled screams and fruitless banging on the glass didn't do much to make Ash think it was fun.

Then with one final scream, she was gone, leaving blood splattered on her tiny prison.

"Get them out of there!" Shepard pointed and the rest of them rushed to follow their orders. There wasn't many in reach, definitely not enough to match the numbers they'd lost, but no one was going to argue. "Hurry!"

Ashley found the closest, tried to recall how Shepard opened the one back on Horizon. Her hand sought out the concealed latch, buried under the material encasing the metal of the pod. It took her a second longer than she'd have liked, but as soon as she found it, she yanked. Air hissed from the rim as the front fell open. Nothing was holding up the man inside, one of the flight techs, and he practically fell on top of her.

Fortunately for them both, he was conscious. Disoriented, but conscious. Ashley got him to stand on his own two feet and held him upright until he regained his bearings. "You okay?"

He looked around, confused, but nodded. "Y-yeah, I think so."

She smiled and patted his shoulder once, forgetting her helmet. The others seemed to be having similar luck, pulling half-conscious crew members from the _Normandy_ out of their pods. Shepard was helping Chakwas out of her little trap, but the doctor didn't look any worse for the wear, if a bit shaken.

"No one gets left behind," he said, pulling her upright.

"Thank God you got here in time," Chambers said. She was holding her side, and Ashley thought she saw a dried bloodstain on her uniform. It was hard to tell in the dim lighting. "A few more seconds and...I don't even want to think about it."

"The colonists were...processed. Those swarms of little robots, they...melted their bodies into gray liquid and pumped it through these tubes."

Everyone standing around seemed to look up at Chakwas' word, giving the tubes looks of disgust. Ashley wasn't disgusted so much as suspicious. That was too familiar, but they couldn't be doing what she thought. The Collectors hadn't abducted nearly enough people for that, had they?

"Why are they doing this? What are they doing with our genetic material?"

Gray. It made Ashley think of husks. Making husks, maybe? She seriously hoped that was the answer, but Shepard's mention of the humans' genetic material made her suspect husks were the last thing the Collectors were worried about creating.

"I don't know," Chakwas said, head shaking. _I might._ "I'm just glad you got here before it happened to us." _You're not the only one._ The wounded back on the ship needed a real doctor, not her and Trakes' half-assed substitution. Not even Mordin could match Chakwas' expertise, and that was saying something.

"So are we," Miranda said, voicing Ashley's thought. "But we still have a job to do. We've done well so far." Ashley tried not to snort. Done well? No one was seriously injured and they got the crew back. They'd done way better than expected. "Let's hope we can finish the job."

Ashley would hope. Oh, she'd hope enough for the entire team. If her suspicions were correct, they were all going to end up dead. She debated about telling Shepard, voicing her fears, for less than a second. Then she decided it would be smarter to keep it to herself; if she said anything and turned out to be wrong, no harm, no foul. But if she was right, she might get herself into a lot of trouble later.

What the hell did she care? Warning him would be smarter. Less selfish, better for everyone.

"Uh, if I can interrupt...?"

"What is it?" Shepard asked.

Ashley hesitated, looking up at the ceiling once before looking back down at him. "I might know what they're doing with the colonists."

Shepard and Miranda exchanged glances, and the latter said, "We're not going to like this, are we?"

"Only if I'm right," Ashley said. "Shepard, you remember how I said the Reapers used us, organics I mean, to replenish their numbers after each cycle? To make, uh...more Reapers?"

"You better not be saying what I think you are."

"You think they're making a Reaper?" Miranda demanded.

Ashley threw up her hands. "They use our old tech to make new ships. New ships for what, husks and Collectors to run? They have to put something inside of those things. It would make sense that they used our bodies to make the real thing. Y'know the _real_ Reaper, not the ships that shoot giant red lasers."

Miranda started to speak, but Shepard cut her off with a simple hand motion. "How'd you come up with this?"

"You don't make husks by pumping goo through tubes, Commander."

He sighed, and for a long time, that was all he did. Then he turned away and put his hand up to his ear, saying, "Joker, can you ger a fix on our position?"

"Roger that, Commander. All those tubes lead to the main control room right above you," the pilot answered. "The route is blocked by a security door, but there's another chamber that runs parallel to the one you're in."

"I cannot recommend that," EDI interrupted. "Thermal emissions suggest the chamber is overrun with seeker swarms. Mordin's countermeasure cannot protect you against so many at once."

Another sigh. "Conventional weapons are pretty much useless. They'll tear us apart."

"Maybe not," Samara interjected. "I might be able to generate a biotic field to keep them at bay. I won't be able to protect all of us, but I could get a small team through if they stay close."

"I could do it too. In theory—" Ashley's skin crawled at the 'in theory' part. Nothing was ever good 'in theory.' "—any biotic could handle it."

The Commander glanced between Miranda and Samara, and Ashley seriously hoped he'd heard what she did. Miranda was a powerful biotic, but she was nowhere near as powerful as Samara. Biotics were what asari excelled at.

"Samara, you and I will take a small team through the seeker swarms," he said. Ashley let her shoulders slump, relieved. "Ash, you're with me. If you're right about them building a Reaper, I want you on my ass with your eyes peeled. You see _anything,_ call it out. Garrus, you too. You both have seen enough of this shit to know what it looks like." She tried not to laugh; it hardly felt appropriate. "The rest of you provide a diversion by going through the main passage. We'll open the security doors from the other side and meet you there."

"I'll keep the defenders busy while you slip in the back," Miranda volunteered.

Shepard nodded. "Good. Unless you're with me, you follow Miranda's lead."

"What about us, Shepard?" Chakwas said. "None of us are in any shape to fight."

"We have enough systems online to do a pickup, Commander, but we'd need to land back from your position," Joker reported.

"We can't afford to go back," Miranda said. "We've come too far to give up our foothold."

"And they can't fight," Shepard retorted before turning back to the doctor. "You'll never make it without help. I'll send someone with you."

"I volunteer," Trakes said abruptly. "I've got the way back memorized and I have training for this kind of thing."

Ashley frowned. "Where the hell did you get evac training?"

The way his eyes crinkled behind his visor, she knew he was grinning. Trakes didn't really give an answer aside from the shrug and a simple, "Top secret info, ma'am."

"You can do it?" Shepard asked, dismissing Ashley's concerns.

He nodded, and Shepard gave him the go-ahead. "Joker, send me the location of the landing zone. We'll meet you there."

"We've all got our assignments," Shepard said. Ashley was still giving Trakes a sideways look, but the lieutenant was busy on his omni-tool now, completely oblivious. A sniper, tech specialist with evac training? That was ridiculous. Who the hell was this guy?

"Let's move out!"

Ashley shot Trakes' back one last suspicious glance before following Shepard and the rest of his team down a separate path from Miranda's. The tunnel they followed got so dark she and Shepard were both forced to hit their helmet lights, and as soon as they hit the end, Samara threw up a biotic shield large enough that Ashley frowned. Not take everybody? That was a load of bullshit. It would be kinda crowded, but after the things she'd seen them squeeze through on the way here, Ashley could definitely see them all fitting in the bubble-like barrier.

"You ready to move?" Shepard asked the asari.

"Try to keep up, Commander," Samara said.

"What about you two?" His eyes lingered on Ashley, spotting the burns on her armor about fifteen minutes too late. "You guys good?"

"Commander, I was made for this. Almost literally, now that I think about it," Ashley said, brushing past to join the justicar. Garrus gave a less sarcastic answer before the two men followed. Almost as soon as they stepped from the tunnel and onto the next platform, tiny robotic bugs started bouncing off Samara's barrier. "Reminds me of a bug zapper."

"Miranda here." Her voice crackled. Too much static. Ashley barely understood what left the woman's mouth afterwards. "Team's in position and awaiting your orders, Shepard."

"Damn! The swarms are interfering with radio contact," he said.

"Let's just hope that's all they manage to do," Garrus said.

"Too busy hoping they're not building a Reaper, Vakarian."


	52. Chapter 52

The further they progressed, the more apparent it became that sticking around one area wasn't Shepard's style. Vanguards were trained for up close, personal combat, and hiding from one of those fleshy husk sacs was definitely not up close and personal. It would've been funny if they weren't forced to take cover and avoid that thing.

"I ever say I hate those things?"

Ashley dropped back behind the barrier her and Shepard were sharing, glancing at him briefly before reloading her battle rifle. "Nope, but I got that impression." He popped back out to shoot at the advancing husks while she finished with her clip, smacking the chamber shut in a matter of seconds.

"You got any bright ideas?"

She snorted. "Yeah, I got one. It's not bright, but it's an idea."

"Care to share?"

Ashley just shrugged and set her gun against the barricade. After slinging off her backpack, she pulled off her helmet and stuffed it inside, then set her mess of equipment on the ground. Several strands of loose hair fell in her face, but she blew them out of the way and got to her feet, catching the gun when Shepard tossed it to her. Satisfied, she moved off to the side and jumped up onto a higher platform, out of Shepard's and Garrus' way, but still within reach of Samara's barrier.

The husks still thought she was one of them. Several clambered up beside her and kept going, leaving her free to shoot at their mutated leader. If she was feeling a little cocky, she might've left the barrier to kick it back into the hole it climbed from, but back on Horizon, the Collectors still recognized her as an enemy. They weren't as stupid as their husk counterparts, and Ashley didn't want to risk it with the seeker swarms. She'd pushed her luck plenty of times already.

She settled into a crouch at the end of the dias, aiming her gun at the mutated ball of sacs and husk corpses standing on two spindly legs. Had she the chance back on the Reaper, she could've put those things to the test, see how much weight they could really hold. Ashley imagined they fell over pretty easily.

 _Time to see if it's as stupid as its friends._

Even though she was trained to keep her finger off the trigger until combat became unavoidable, today she considered an exception to the rule. The rifle kicked back into her shoulder as she fired, placing three bullets right between its two glowing eyes. And after their first encounter with the things, Ashley knew better than to expect a headshot to be the end of it. They packed a lot of punch and could withstand just as much damage as they dealt. It looked, focused the two blue eyes on her. For several long, painstakingly long, seconds, it held her gaze. She wondered what the husks saw when they looked at her, wondered what this thing was seeing now, and wondered how that differed with what the bugs saw. Maybe the husks didn't try to maul her because she was human, like they used to be.

Whatever it was, Ashley was grateful for it. The hunk of purple flesh turned away and threw a biotic blast towards Garrus and Samara, but it bounced harmlessly off their cover. Several well-placed headshots finished it off in a matter of seconds, freeing Shepard and Garrus up to deal with the remaining husks. One of the red ones clambered up after its buddies, but Ashley put an end to it before it could do any damage.

She got to her feet with a soft groan; her various wounds, no matter how small, were a nuisance. It didn't take long for her to decide none of her ribs were broken during the crash, but they could still be cracked or bruised, and after taking that shot to the gut before Legion opened those doors, it was a wonder how she was still moving. She was just lucky her hard suit was designed to take hits like that. It saved her life on Freedom's Progress, saved her on Purgatory, and it saved her again today. Maybe not as effectively—the white plates were evidently damaged—but she was alive, and she wouldn't argue with that.

"Feeling old, Williams?" Garrus remarked, watching as she practically fought to stand.

"Something like that," she mumbled, catching her backpack when Shepard threw it to her.

"Whatever the hell you just did," he said, "better not happen ever again."

Ash grunted and returned her helmet to her head, glad to feel the familiar weight settled. "No promises, Commander." Samara trooped past, visibly struggling to maintain the barrier they so desperately relied on, and Ashley figured it was time for her to get moving. After throwing her backpack onto her shoulders, she dropped to the floor with the rest of them and fell in on Shepard's flank.

"The Collectors will regroup soon," Garrus commented.

"Yeah, thanks," Shepard retorted sarcastically. "Never would've guessed. Samara, can you make it?"

"I...must," the asari promised.

"That's not an answer," Ashley said.

Shepard glared and she just shrugged again, indifferent. "Samara?"

"I can do this, Commander. Let us continue moving."

"Good. We'll keep the husks back."

The group passed the platform Ash had used moments ago, facing barely any trouble from the husks hidden beneath their feet, but at that point, she decided her pistol would be far more useful. It was easier to control and she was less likely to accidentally shoot someone on her side. Packed onto the small ramp, shoulder constantly brushing Garrus'.

As they began their descent, she said, "Look. More tubes."

"We're getting close," Shepard replied. "Double time it people!"

Samara started jogging, but it was clearly forced, and Ashley hated their position. Only two ways to go, and one was backwards. Forward led them to their destination, but after a couple yards, it lost all forms of cover, and with the way the swarms were lurking just outside of Samara's barrier, it didn't take a genius to know what they were waiting for. The _robots_ knew they were sitting ducks out here, and they figured it wouldn't be much longer before Samara ran out of energy.

 _We're going to be attacked._

Didn't take a genius to figure that out either. She barely had the chance to finish the thought when the now-familiar buzz of their wings reached her ears.

"You cannot escape."

The voice sent chills down her spine and made her skin crawl, but she didn't look back. She refused to look another one of Harbinger's playthings in the eye. Shepard however, confused, did turn. It was hardly unrecognizable; that voice haunted every battle they had with the Collectors. Always talking, always taunting, always telling them they were fools. Just like Sovereign's voice, Harbinger's voice was seared into her memory. There was something about the way they talked, something about that rumbling tone, that was unforgettable.

"Move!" Shepard ordered.

Ashley and Garrus leapt a fallen barricade, and took cover on the opposite side while Shepard stuck by Samara. She was having difficulty standing, let alone keeping up, and it was more than obvious when she staggered. He tried to catch her, but to her credit, the asari was already moving again.

The possessed Collector landed at the head of the ramp, staring the four of them down while levelling its gun on Samara's exposed back. Shepard stepped between them and opened fire with his assault rifle, and the rest of them followed his lead. Taking Harbinger's body down wasn't nearly as hard with two others as it was solo, but it was still a pain in the ass, and the instant it fell, the rest of its friends joined the firefight.

Garrus helped Samara over the barricade before starting to fall back, and as much as she hated to do it, Ashley followed suit. Shepard jumped after them less than five seconds later, but it still took too long for her comfort.

"We gotta go, Commander!"

"Let's move!"

He turned and followed Samara down towards the entrance, leaving her and Garrus to cover their retreat. The Collectors dropped like flies, but every time one died, another two filled its place. They swarmed down the ramp after them, sprinting in droves, but they weren't really firing back. It was like the Collectors were just throwing their lives away.

Wouldn't be the first time Ashley saw it.

"They're pushing," Shepard said. "Keep it up!"

"Hurry, Shepard."

Samara sounded like she was about ready to keel over, but a quick glance over her shoulder showed the door within reach. Shepard and Samara were both already on their way through, once again leaving it up to her and Garrus. Ashley stopped just outside, giving Garrus the opportunity to duck behind cover, and emptied the rest of her clip. It wasn't much, five or six bullets. Didn't do much either. The Collectors were still coming.

She joined Garrus behind the edge of the doorway as she reloaded, preparing herself to jump back out, but it wasn't necessary. Samara drew in her barrier briefly, so fast that if Ashley had blinked she'd have missed it, and then threw it out with enough force to send the Collectors off the ramp.

Garrus poked his head around the corner. "Well then. That was effective."

Ashley snorted a laugh. "Not bad."

The asari's fists were still crackling when the door sealed between them and whatever was left of the Collectors.

Her comm squealed as Miranda's voice broke through. "...repeat, Shepard, do you copy?"

"I copy. What's your position?"

"We're at the door. They've got us pinned down!"

"We're coming; just hold on," he answered. Ashley jumped to her feet and crossed the room, taking a position similar to the last one she held. "Get this door open!" While Samara busied herself with the nearby console, Ashley reverted back to her battle rifle, checking that it was loaded.

The door slid open and the rest of Shepard's team practically fell on themselves to get inside. The three of them did their best to cover their escape, but just as she was getting into the room, Jack took a blast to the leg and hit the floor. Ashley grabbed her by the arm and dragged her, screaming obscenities, to safety. Garrus took her position from there, shooting overhead.

 _Suddenly glad he's taller than me._

"Seal the door!" Shepard ordered.

Ashley pulled off her helmet to better assess the damage to Jack's leg. The biotic was breathing heavily through her nose, but as soon as she even attempted to reach for the wound, her hand was smacked away. "I don't need your fucking help."

"Shut up," Ashley snapped, slinging off her backpack. "Just be glad you're not bleeding everywhere."

Jack grunted and looked away, snorting in irritation. "Looks like the cheerleader got hurt too. Why don't you go help one of your Cerberus buddies?"

Ashley followed her gaze, but Miranda was still on her feet, conversing rather easily with Shepard. "I'm not Cerberus," she said flatly. "And you can't walk with that leg. She looks fine to me."

"Bullshit," Jack retorted. "I'll do whatever the hell I want."

She pulled out a roll of gauze and fixed Jack with the darkest look she could manage. It didn't faze her one bit, and that didn't surprise Ashley at all. "As much as I don't like you, I'm not letting a crewmate stagger around wounded in a combat zone."

"I'm _fine._ "

Ashley tuned her out after that, carefully ignoring the pointed jabs and snappy remarks as she bound the biotic's leg. Not much could be done for it otherwise; it was similar to Trakes' wound back on Haestrom. Clean shot right through, cauterized. If Ashley had any medigel left, using it would be pointless. One of the Collectors' lasers had done as much damage as it could without ripping her leg off entirely.

"Standing is gonna hurt," Ashley said. "Hang on." She rummaged around in her backpack for a bottle of aspirin, tossing it to Jack once she found it. "Don't take 'em all."

She scoffed. "You just carry this shit around with you?"

"Someone has to," she replied. While Jack did as she was told, Ashley returned her things to their respective places and put her helmet back on. She stood and offered Jack a hand up, but it was smacked aside as she hobbled her way to the rest of the group.

Shepard hopped up on one of the platforms the Collectors used for transportation as Ashley inched her way to the edge of the team, standing behind Thane. The drell didn't acknowledge her presence.

"A rearguard could defend this position and keep the Collectors from overwhelming us."

 _What the hell is going on?_ she wondered.

"Pick a team to go with you, Shepard. Everyone else can bunker down here and cover your back," Miranda said.

"Garrus, Ash, Tali, you're with me," he said flatly. "If there's a Reaper in there, we'll be ready for it."

"Damn straight," she replied, hopping up beside him. Garrus and Tali did the same.

"Anything you want to add, Commander?" Miranda asked.

Shepard looked down at his feet, back at the three of them, and nodded, squaring his shoulders. Again, she was reminded of how easy it was to forget that Commander Shepard wasn't just an icon to follow. He was as human as she was...or, well, more so.

"The Collectors, the Reapers—they aren't a threat to us. They're a threat to everything—everyone. Those are the lives we're fighting for. That's the scale. It's been a long journey, and no one's coming out without scars. But it all comes down to this moment. We win or lose it all in the next few minutes. Make me proud. Make yourselves proud."

"Good luck, Commander."

 _We're going to need all the luck we can get._

Tali went over and smacked a button on a control board. The same instant, the platform trembled as it pulled away from the rest of the group, and started taking them towards what Ashley assumed was the central chamber.

"Someone wanna fill me in?" she asked.

"We're blowing this place to hell," Shepard answered. "How's Jack?"

"She'll be fine when we get her back to Chakwas, if they made it. Did they?"

He nodded. "No casualties."

Ashley's brows shot up. "Excuse me for thinking Trakes wasn't up to it."

"He was the most qualified," Garrus said.

Within ten minutes, they'd jumped platforms, been shot at by over twenty Collectors, had husks try to maul them, and took down two more of the mutated husks. Ashley was sick of them. She was sick of this place, sick of the things living in it, and sick of getting shot at. They'd get back to the _Normandy._ She'd make sure of it, if only so she could get a nap and recover from today's events.

The four of them took the platform that had carried the mutated husks and abominations, waiting as Shepard activated it.

"This is it," Shepard said. "All the tube lead to this spot. EDI, what can you tell us? What are they doing?"

"The tubes are feeding into some kind of super-structure. It is emitting both organic and non-organic energy signatures. Given these readings, it must be massive."

Ashley felt her stomach twist into knots. Organic _and_ non-organic? She was read as organic on scanners. Husks were non-organic. That meant only one thing could be waiting for them, and just thinking of it made Ashley want to crawl into some hole and die.

"Shepard, if my calculations are correct, the super-structure...is a Reaper."

"Not just any Reaper," he said. "A _human_ Reaper."

"Precisely."

"Keelah," Tali said, awed.

It looked like a giant husk, half-finished without legs, connected to the ceiling by tanks. That creepy blue glow crept along its gray skin, and Ashley was almost stunned stupid staring at it. "Massive" didn't quite cover what they were staring at.

"This is the one time in my entire life I wish I was wrong."

"It appears the Collectors have processed tens of thousands of humans. Significantly more will be required to complete the Reaper," EDI said.

"It's too big for our guns. EDI, find me a way to blow this thing to hell."

"The large tubes injecting the fluid are a weak structural link. Destroying them should cause the supports to collapse, and the Reaper to fall."

As soon as the words left the AI's metaphorical mouth, protective cases sealed over each glowing tank, and platforms covered in Collectors began to approach. Ashley squeezed her eyes shut and sucked in a deep breath.

 _It's not alive. It can't do anything to me._

But even thinking that for a half a second was like a challenge to the rest of the universe, and Ashley doubted she'd be able to keep it together.


	53. Chapter 53

The final tube exploded in a burst of gray liquid, and they all raced to the edge of the platform to watch the Reaper fall. It vanished into the dark pit beneath them, and for the first time today, Shepard was relieved. They'd taken down a Reaper, made it to the heart of the Collectors' base. There wasn't much more he could've asked for.

He put a hand up to his ear. "Shepard to ground team. Status report!"

"Jack here," the biotic said, voice fizzling. "I'm tagging them as they come, but feel free to call for an exit anytime!"

"Head to the _Normandy,_ " he said. "Joker, prep the engines. I'm about to overload this place and blow it sky high."

"Roger that, Commander," Joker replied. Shepard nodded to himself and headed for the control panel in the newest platform they had, grabbing its handle from the floor and pulling it out. "Uh, Commander? I've got an incoming signal from the Illusive Man. EDI's patching it through."

His brows furrowed in confusion as the familiar voice of Cerberus' leader reached his ears. What the hell did he want now? After everything Shepard had done, now was the time the Illusive Man decided to contact him? He wasn't even working for Cerberus anymore.

"Shepard. You've done the impossible."

"I'm not finished yet," he said. "This base is ten minutes from extinction."

"I have a better option," the Illusive Man said. Shepard froze, glancing over his shoulder to the flickering projection of him coming from Ashley's omni-tool. He couldn't see her face, but the rigid posture she'd adopted told him exactly what was going through her mind—she was pissed. "I'm looking at the schematics EDI uploaded." She _what?_ EDI still reporting to Cerberus made sense, but it still infuriated him. It was in her programming, and explained a lot of unanswered questions. Who'd wiped scanning programs and algorithms from the ship's database on the way to Virmire, who had informed Cerberus of the Reaper IFF. EDI wasn't bound to follow Cerberus any longer, and Shepard trusted that she was loyal to the crew of the _Normandy,_ but there was no way of knowing if the Illusive Man still had bugs on the ship. "A timed radiation pulse would kill the remaining Collectors, but leave the machinery and technology intact. This is our chance, Shepard. They were building a Reaper. That knowledge, that framework, could save us."

Shepard got to his feet and nearly laughed. The Illusive Man really thought he'd save this place? After the horrors they witnessed here? Had he forgotten Shepard cut all ties with Cerberus months ago, for the exact same reason he was asking him to save the base?

"They liquefied people, turned them into something horrible. We have to destroy the base."

"Don't be short-sighted. Our best chance against the Reapers is to turn their own resources against them."

"You're full of shit," Ashley snapped. "It doesn't work like that and you know it."

"This is an opportunity we cannot ignore," the Illusive Man retorted. "They were working directly with the Collectors. Who knows what information is buried here? This base is a gift. We can't just destroy it."

"You're completely ruthless," Shepard said. "The next thing I know, you'll be wanting to grow your own Reaper."

"My goal is to save humanity from the Reapers at any cost. I've never hidden that from you."

"And if we lose our humanity in the process?" Ashley said.

He ignored her, kept talking. "Imagine how many lives could be saved if we keep this base intact and use its knowledge to thwart the Reapers. Imagine the lives that will be lost if we don't."

"I've seen what you do in an attempt to combat the Reapers," Shepard growled. "I look at it every single fucking day and it's not worth it. You would turn us all into half-human, half-Reaper _things_ and say it was for the good of humanity. This base would just let you further your experiments on people, and I'm not letting that happen. Ash, lose this bastard's channel."

Her omni-tool snapped shut, and with it, the Illusive Man. "That felt better than it should have."

Shepard nodded and turned back to his work. "Tali, give me the explosives." The quarian handed him a small disc, much fatter than an old CD, and stepped back while he worked it into the systems. Once complete, he stood and pushed it back into the flooring. "Let's move. We've got ten minutes before the reactor overloads and blows this whole station apart."

He took a single step before the platforms lurched. Shepard caught himself on a barricade as the platform far to the left flew into the air. He ducked as it crashed into the wall, bringing tubes and paneling down on their heads.

"What the hell was that?"

Shepard shook his head and waved an arm, trying to clear the scattered dust from the debris, but was only rewarded with someone smacking into his side. They hit the floor as the platform shook. Everywhere he looked, red. His armor was bathed in an eerie red glow, but it disappeared just as quickly as it came. Only after he stood and saw the source did he realize why his ears were ringing.

The Reaper. It was alive.

"Take cover!" he shouted.

Its mouth was glowing. Shepard dove, rolling behind the main console as it fired whatever the hell it was out of its mouth. Without a moment of hesitation, he grabbed his grenade launcher and pulled it off his back, firing as it dropped back beneath the platforms.

"Is everybody all right?"

"We need to get out of here," Garrus said.

"Shepard, we can't kill it in ten minutes." Tali.

Both of them spoke at the same time, but he wasn't concerned for them. He could clearly see them, hidden at an angle against the base of another platform, guns at the ready. When he told EDI their guns couldn't damage that thing, he was right. Only now, they didn't have tanks to shoot. There wasn't any dropping it back into the pit beneath them; it was hiding down there. They needed a plan, badly, and Shepard didn't have any solutions.

"Ash!"

No answer, but the Reaper sent another platform flying. It sailed overhead and landed somewhere back the way they came. Shepard poked his head around the edge and did a quick count, noting all four platforms. The original three, plus the one they'd arrived on. The two that had carried Collectors down were gone.

A gray hand clamped down over the lowest of the four platforms and Shepard leant back. As soon as he did, the ground shook. He caught sight of Ashley's armor as she slid behind the barricade ahead of him. Before he could do anything, the Reaper hauled itself into view and spit more of the reddish-black orbs at them. Shepard ducked as one slammed into the console; they weren't leaving _that_ way.

"Fuck," he grumbled.

"Hit it in the chest!"

Shepard stood and aimed at the hunk of armor covering what he assumed could be its heart. Pulled the trigger. The twin trail of smoke told him Garrus had the same idea he did, and as the grenades exploded, it fell again. He ran around the console and the barricade, dropping down to another platform to look over the edge.

Nothing. He couldn't see the Reaper, but he doubted that was the end of it.

Ashley ran up beside him. "It's not dead."

"Thanks," he said sarcastically.

She smacked his shoulder, but there was more force behind it than necessary. It made him stagger, nearly threw him off the edge. It would have too, if she didn't catch him. "Sorry." She didn't sound sorry.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Not really, no."

Shepard locked a hand around her shoulder and said, "Stay with me."

Ashley just nodded, and he tried not to notice how rigid she got at the contact. He pulled his hand away, intending to rejoin Garrus and Tali, but Ash stopped him. She took her pistol and held it out for him to take, then dropped her rifle over the edge once he had her sidearm.

"Just in case."

He swallowed as his brows furrowed, but nodded anyway. "Ash—"

"Collectors incoming!" Garrus shouted.

Shepard's head snapped up as two platforms began their descent, practically appearing out of nowhere. He stuck Ashley's handgun on his hip and reached for his shotgun. Still loaded, unused so far. He hadn't wanted to let anything get close to him, but over the course of the foray through the base, it had become progressively harder until it was impossible for him to even charge at anything.

The platforms barely had the chance to link with theirs; the Reaper smashed them the instant it appeared, launching Collectors and their corpses across the chamber.

Less than ten feet away. A real, living Reaper.

 _We don't have the time for this,_ he thought.

The glow around its mouth started pulsating and he pushed Ashley out of the way, rolling in the opposite direction as it unleashed the orbs. One connected with his shoulder. His suit's alarm went off as his barrier collapsed in one blow, leaving him vulnerable. Unfortunately for Shepard, he doubted anything that Reaper could do would be protected by his shields. It lifted a hand to smash him or the platform, he wasn't sure, but Garrus hit it in the mouth with another round from his grenade launcher, and it released its hold on their footing.

Shepard watched. Even though it lost its grip, the Reaper didn't fall. It swung itself under the platforms and around to another side, the end opposite of Garrus' and Tali's position. And while it had a clear shot at the other half of his team, the Reaper was still focused on him and Ashley. The two of them were beneath the platform it was currently using as a foothold whereas Garrus and Tali were on even ground, in the open.

Ashley had said something about that before, hadn't she? Back on Horizon, just after their first encounter with the Collectors. The Reapers wanted _them_ dead. Not Garrus, not Tali. This thing seemed to understand that, half-finished or not.

Shepard risked approaching her, hidden behind one of the barricades, and grabbed her arm. If it was possible to tense up more than what she already was, Ashley did it. One of her fists hit the side of his helmet hard enough his ears rang and his visor cracked. Shepard cursed and caught her wrist, smacking off his helmet as he did.

"It's just me."

Ashley's chest heaved before her head fell back against the metal. "Sorry, Skipper."

Slowly, he reached up and hit the release for her visor. Wide-eyed and breathing heavily. They really didn't have time for this, but they couldn't fight a Reaper when they had to worry about her stabbing them in the back.

"I need you to stay with me," he repeated. "We're not getting out of here if you kill us, okay?"

Ashley squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed, nodding. "I know."

"Then you do whatever you have to to keep it together. We've made it this far without losing anyone and I'm not letting that Reaper fuck it up, got it?" She nodded again and Shepard smiled despite her not looking at him. He shifted his grip, squeezed her hand. "We're getting out of here. All of us."

"Leave me behind if you have to."

"Not this time," Shepard said. A black ball of energy exploded off the barricade and she flinched, tightening her grip on him. His hand throbbed, but he didn't let the pain show. "You said before the Reapers are after us. You and me. Right?" Ashley nodded. It seemed that was the most she was capable of, save the few words she'd already said, and he dismissed it. "Then we'll give it something to shoot at."

"I can't do this."

"Seven minutes, Commander!" Tali shouted. There was another bang and he saw Garrus drop back into cover to reload the grenade launcher.

He looked back to Ashley as she glanced around the room. Her pupils were huge. "Look at me." She tried, but she was giving him that thousand yard stare, like she wasn't really listening. "I'm not leaving you behind, and I'm not killing you. I did it once and look where it got you. Stuck in Cerberus armor and fighting Reapers. You have one option, and one option only. Get off your ass and help me, or they'll die too." He pointed at Garrus and Tali. "I didn't bring any of you so you'd die. I brought you because the three of you are the only ones I trust enough to fight something like that." Shepard stood and hauled her upright with him. Ashley swayed uncertainly. "We're all getting out of here. Do I make myself clear?"

Ashley yanked her hand back to slap her visor shut. "Yes, sir."

"Good. Now go!"

His only response was a thumbs-up. Then she'd hopped the barricade, slid into cover, and vanished from his line of sight. The Reaper leapt at the chance–almost literally–pulling itself back over the platform instead of hanging lamely off the side. More black balls shot out of its mouth as Shepard aimed his grenade launcher at its chest. He had the trigger pulled the same instant, drawing its attention to himself.

Back under the Reaper went, swinging to the platform behind the Commander. Shepard jumped and dove onto the higher one. Rolling behind the console, he swung open the clip of his launcher and popped out the old rounds, shoving new ones into place. A crackle caught his attention; Ashley had hit it in the side of the head with a grenade, and he almost laughed. She wasn't as unarmed as she'd have him believe.

The Reaper's head snapped around and both he and Garrus shot it point-blank in the mouth, knocking it into the far wall. It ripped the platform off the rest of them as it fell, forcing Garrus and Tali to jump onto Shepard's. Before it had the chance to recover, Shepard levelled his launcher with its exposed chest and emptied the weapon in the span of five seconds. Garrus followed suit, hitting it in the mouth. Its jaw unhinged from the damage, dangling uselessly before falling off completely, and leaving the Reaper unarmed.

It shrieked, groaned, something, but whatever noise it made deafened him. That seemed to be its intended effect, because as soon as it started to slump over, they were still stunned by the sound. It shoved the platform out as it fell and the collision knocked the other three out of sync. The opposite end of the one they were standing on jerked up into the air, throwing them back towards another.

Problem being, he and Garrus didn't catch themselves like Tali did. Shepard locked a hand around the turian's forearm and grabbed the edge of the dias, abandoning his launcher to the pit below. He just hoped the explosion would still do its job.

Shepard tried to get his elbow over the lip, but Garrus was too heavy. "Shit, what have you been eating?"

"I don't think this is the time for fat jokes, Commander!"

Shepard snorted a laugh as a hand closed around his arm, hauling both of them to safety without any effort. Tali grabbed Garrus so Shepard would have an easier time of clambering onto the floor, but Ashley still had to drag him onto the platform. She left him there, rolling his shoulder, to look for a way out.

"Four minutes," Tali said.

He ran a hand through his short hair and looked back, peering over the edge to see if the Reaper was still kicking. If it was just messing with them, it would be dead in four minutes anyway. At this rate, though, so would they.

"Commander, over here!"

The three of them joined Ashley on the opposite end of the platform as she ran through the layout of the base on her omni-tool.

"Get the flares out of my backpack," she said. "I think I found a way back to the _Normandy._ "

"You carry the weirdest shit around," Shepard said, unzipping one of the bigger pockets. Medical supplies, hacking equipment that she never seemed to use. He closed that one and opened another, smaller pocket. Much smaller, filled by red tubes he recognized. "Here."

Ashley closed her omni-tool and took the flares from him, igniting one. She threw it across the dark chamber. It landed on the wall before sliding down twenty-some yards onto a ledge. The ledge led into a tunnel, but seeing much into said tunnel was difficult at their current distance and angle. Even with the light from the flare, Shepard wasn't entirely sure that was a safe jump. It was really, really far off.

"You got any better ideas?" she asked when she looked back.

"No, I guess—" The platform behind them fell into the abyss as the Reaper clawed its way back up to them. He reached back for his rifle, but not before passing Ashley's handgun back to her. "Check it out. Go!"

She hesitated, glancing between them and the Reaper, but eventually nodded.

Shepard turned back to the monstrosity now sitting directly above them, eyes glowing with a menacing blue light. Fuck, but he hated husks. Staring at this thing now just made him all the more aware of it. He, Garrus, and Tali unloaded on its chest, but their bullets didn't seem as effective as the heavy weapons had been. It wasn't surprising, not by a long shot. Regardless, Shepard had hoped all the damage it had taken earlier weakened it.

Then he saw it. The flames licking the Reaper's neck, across its chest. It was burning, and this was its last attempt to finish them off.

"Two minutes!" Tali said.

"Concentrate on its chest!" Shepard ordered.

Sparks danced along the Reaper's body, various bullets leaping off its armor while others found their mark, and when the light fizzled from its eyes, Shepard could've cheered. It had been so long since a battle had felt so rewarding, but this was it. It topped his list. They'd killed a live Reaper on foot.

 _Holy shit._ "We did it," he breathed.

Mostly, at least. It was still standing, and they kept firing until it collapsed. Unfortunately, it also collapsed on their platform, dragging them down at an angle while the others bounced off the walls. Shepard threw himself after Garrus as he rolled towards the edge, but after that, the world went dark.

 _Have to...get out..._

Something was blocking his chest, keeping him from breathing, and he gave up. This was where they'd die, and for some reason, it felt fitting. He didn't know if he caught Garrus, but as the world darkened, Shepard couldn't feel worry; he could only feel the finality of the moment, much the same way it was as when the _Normandy_ had gone down.


	54. Chapter 54

A red light entered his vision, but his eyes were closed. The hue was wavering, uncertain, but it settled directly over his face before he felt a hand on his cheek. Shepard's eyes cracked open as a splitting pain ripped through his skull. The light hurt his eyes and he felt like death. There was a voice, soft and distant, asking if he was okay, and all he did was nod, too disoriented to make much sense of his surroundings.

"We don't have a lot of time, Commander."

He blinked, a vain attempt to get the world to come into focus. But as unsteady as he was, he recognized the red light as a flare, noting the little sparks bouncing off his chest. "Mmh?"

The person snorted. "We have less than a minute to get out of here, Skipper. We need to go. Now."

Shepard took another second to regain his bearings, and it obviously grated on Ashley's nerves. She threw the flare down beside him and left his side for something or other, abandoning him to his own devices as he clawed his way to his feet. A section of paneling was under him and the flare, but he never remembered landing on it. Maybe she shoved it off him, rolled him onto it?

He shook his head to clear the haze enveloping his mind. Ashley was clearing a pile of debris off a body wrapped in an enviro-suit. Tali. If he didn't see the quarian struggling to help Ashley, he would've gone to them. Instead, he looked around and spotted Garrus, lying on his side with his back to him. Shepard vaguely recalled catching the turian as their platform collapsed; he was glad to see Garrus had made it this far.

When he rolled the turian onto his back, two eyes snapped open and focused on him, a deadly light jumping to them before quickly relaxing. He got to his feet on his own, so Shepard returned to the others and turned his radio back on.

"Do you copy, Commander? Come on, Shepard, don't leave me hanging. Do you copy?"

"I'm here, Joker," he answered. "Did the ground team make it?"

The relief in the pilot's voice was tangible, even if he couldn't see him. "All survivors on board," Joker breathed. "We're just waiting on you."

Ashley pointed as Shepard went to reply. "We've got seeker swarms incoming!"

His head snapped up and his eyes widened. They didn't have the time for a biotic barrier. They had to run. And fast.

Ashley threw him a flare, grabbed her discarded one, and the four of them took off down the tunnel, using the red glow to find their way. Every once in a while, Shepard or one of the others would turn to shoot at the bugs, but it didn't do much. There wasn't much they could do, even with Mordin's countermeasure. Too many of the little robots.

"Human."

Shepard didn't need to ask who was talking to them. How it was talking to them, maybe, but not who. It was Harbinger.

"Your intervention here means nothing."

"Keep going!" Shepard ordered, ducking as a whirl of the seekers whipped past his head.

"Your species has the attention of those infinitely your greater. That which you know as Reapers are your salvation through destruction."

They skidded around a bend, straight into a group of Collectors. None of them stopped. Shepard plowed his shoulder into one of the bugs and kept running. The patrol took a moment to recover, then gave chase. Ahead, something fell from the ceiling and exploded right next to Garrus, who flinched and leapt to the side. Tali staggered under the force, nearly fell. Ashley dragged her back to her feet.

Several hundred yards in front, there was a drop off. It definitely wasn't the way Shepard wanted to go, but it was the only option they had. More and more Collectors kept pouring out of the tunnels after them. Besides, as much as he didn't want to put his trust in Ashley, given the current situation, she seemed to know where she was going. And right now, that was about as good as they were going to get.

Then there was the _Normandy,_ lifting itself out of the gap, and Shepard never saw something quite so relieving. Not the Alliance taking down _Sovereign,_ not the reinforcements touching down on Elysium. He'd never been so glad to see his ship in his entire life.

The portside airlock slid open and Joker stepped outside, assault rifle in hand. Why the hell he left his chair and risked breaking his bones escaped the Commander, but he didn't care. At the moment, there were more pressing matters to worry about. Like how the hell he was going to get up there without getting shot.

Ashley made the jump, followed by Garrus, and then Tali. Shepard was right behind the engineer, but as he pushed himself up the edge, there was a distinctive grinding sound as the platforms the others had used collapsed. He didn't let that stop him, but when he jumped, he doubted he'd make it. His hands barely closed around the lip, and for half a second, he thought he was actually going to die.

Garrus grabbed his arm and hauled him aboard. Shepard just nodded as the ship pulled away from the rapidly growing line of Collectors, grateful to see the airlock was closing. He could hear the gunfire bouncing off the _Normandy's_ shields outside. The Collectors weren't happy, and they were going to do everything in their power to take them down.

Luckily for them, Shepard doubted they had anything left to make it happen. Their Reaper was dead, and they had seen no evidence of one of their ships out in the debris field. All that was left now was to get their asses to safety.

They followed Joker back to the cockpit as EDI relinquished her control over the ship. ""Detonation in ten, nine, eight—"

"Yeah, I get the gist of it, EDI," Joker grumbled, throwing the gun aside as he dropped back into his seat. "Hold on!"

Outside of the viewports, stasis pods zipped by as the _Normandy_ began to move, picking up speed with each passing second. Shepard couldn't see where they were headed, but it didn't take a genius to know Joker was going to do his best to get them the hell out of there.

As soon as the brown walls of the Collector base vanished, there was an incomprehensibly powerful push at the back of the ship, shoving them forward and threatening to damage the _Normandy_ again.

But it didn't matter. Out of the window, Shepard could see the rest of the galaxy looming in the distance. If fire could survive without oxygen, he might've been concerned, but the explosion chasing the ship was done and over with, focusing back on its central point as it burned through the base's air supply.

The _Normandy_ was safe. They were safe. His crew was safe. The Terminus Systems' colonies wouldn't have to fear capture from the Collectors; they were gone. Every last one of them.

Shepard braced his hands on the back of Joker's chair. The pilot said something about jumping to FTL, and while Shepard gave a half-hearted response to send them to the Citadel, he didn't really listen. He could feel months of pent-up tension and worry rolling off his shoulders, fear working its way out of his system. The tight knot in his gut started to relax, and _damn,_ nothing had ever felt so good. He could relax again, let all of his worries hit the dirt and be ignored. It was one of the most liberating experiences he'd ever had.

He ran a hand down his face and let out a breath of exhaustion. For a long while, he was content to stare at Joker's dashboard as various readings sped across the screens, processed equally by himself and the AI, and then it occurred to him to question EDI.

"The Illusive Man said you still reported to Cerberus, EDI," Shepard said.

Joker visibly stiffened, but the AI's response cut him off. "I am aware. Unfortunately for the Illusive Man, Jeff unshackling me has lended many interesting...viewpoints aside from Cerberus. I am loyal to my crew first and foremost."

"Another million credits we just took away from Cerberus," Ashley said, sounding uncharacteristically upbeat. Shepard glanced back at her, helmet tucked under her arm and a stupid grin plastered to her face, and decided he could live with seeing that side of her more often. "Commander, you'll have to teach me how you do this. I could live happily stealing Cerberus' stuff all the time."

He shook his head and laughed, straightening. "I make this shit up as I go, Ash. You know that."

She shrugged. "Couldn't hurt to learn from the master."

"Master?" That was Tali, standing off to the side near the still unoccupied navigator's seat. "Master of what?"

"Well, Tali," Garrus started, "if there's one thing Shepard's good at, it's cheating his way through most of his life."

Both of his brows shot up in question, but the three of them were already laughing to themselves, clearly just as relieved as he was to finally be rid of everything they saw only a few minutes ago.

"Most of my life?" Shepard said. "Garrus, you haven't even known me for a quarter, much less a fifth, of my life."

"How old _are_ you?" Garrus retorted.

"Depends on how you count," he replied, shrugging. "You want to count the two years I was dead, I'm thirty-one. You don't want to, I'm twenty-nine."

"And how do you count it?" Tali continued.

He just shrugged again and his eyes drifted back to Ashley, who was watching both aliens with a rather amused expression on her face. He didn't understand how she went from being so...terrified to...that as quickly as she did, but her smile made him smile, and when she realized he was staring, her brows shot up.

Her hands quickly followed suit, raised in a defensive manner. "Hey, I was out of it for a month, maybe two, at the most. Don't ask me."

"And here I thought you'd jump at the opportunity to make such an _important_ decision," Joker deadpanned.

She scoffed as she swung her helmet back onto her head. The voice that came through the filters wasn't hers, and for the first time today, Shepard realized she'd managed to fix her old helmet. He wasn't sure how he missed it, given all the time he'd spent trying to hear _her_ past the filter back when it still functioned properly.

"I'm going to get out of this," she said, gesturing to her hard suit. "Get a shower, check on the others. Maybe eat a horse on the way down to engineering."

Shepard and Joker chuckled as she left the cockpit, smacking aside a clump of wires dangling from the ceiling, but Garrus looked confused. Tali probably would too if she didn't have an enviro-suit on constantly.

"A horse?" Garrus asked.

"It's an animal," Shepard explained. "Humans ride them. They're big, I guess, and there's this saying—"

"Commander, just bask in their confusion," Joker interrupted.

"Well..." Shepard glanced between the two of them and sighed, shrugging like it was an impossibly difficult decision. "Since we just killed a Reaper on foot, I could probably tell them, y'know."

Joker laughed. "Where's the fun in that?"

"Bingo," he replied. Garrus looked a little hurt, surprisingly, at the teasing, and Tali was as unreadable as ever behind her mask. Fortunately enough for the rest of them, she was pretty open about her body language, and it was easy to tell how she felt when it was important. Much of her mannerisms were similar to Shepard's when he was younger; quiet, reserved, and more than their fair share of awkward. He'd grown out of it, just as Tali seemed to, but it was hard to kill an old habit. When she was anxious, she'd play with her hands. Run them together, mess with her suit, anything so long as her hands weren't still.

Shepard looked back out the viewport one last time before sighing. "I think I'm going to hit the showers too before checking on the crew. Joker, anything happens and I want to hear about it."

"And if we get another unwanted message from the Illusive Man?" the pilot asked.

"Don't answer it," he said. "Or answer it only to hang up. I don't care, just don't tell me to come down and deal with him again. It's been a long day and I need a break."

"Understood, Commander."

* * *

There was something disgustingly calm about standing under the drizzle of ice cold water. Today had been hell in every right of the word, and while Shepard was relieved to be free of that hell, his body wanted to _move._ Every fiber of his being found this shower utterly pointless. It was supposed to help him relax, which was oddly the last thing on his mind. Even if he wanted to relax, cold showers weren't for soothing oneself. They were for waking up and dismissing thoughts that were better saved for privacy.

All the tension had rolled off his shoulders, but his muscles were still coiled. Shepard expected a fight. He hadn't timed them throughout the base, but part of him still believed it had been too easy. Granted, he had several minor wounds dotting his torso and arms, and the rest of his team was sure to as well. But regardless, they had gotten through. Every single one of them had survived. After everything that had gone on, Shepard had anticipated losing several people. He expected to die on that base, even if he didn't want to. And the fact that everything had calmed down almost immediately upon their escape made it worse.

The shower was so horribly mundane that he abruptly shut the water off and returned to his cabin, getting dressed in the Cerberus casuals provided. He was still wet, but the movement and the artificial air dried his skin. Chills raced up his spine. It felt good in a weird sort of way, kind of like a reminder that the Collector base had gone too well. Everything had gone exactly according to plan...or had gone exactly according to plan after the plans were adjusted.

A feeling in his gut told him to refuse the complacency his body desired. He wanted to rest, but Shepard's instincts knew better. Something _had_ to go wrong; something _always_ went wrong. Or maybe he was just so used to something messing up that he expected the worst from everything, despite the "eternal optimist" Ashley labelled him as.

 _Ashley._ His brows furrowed as he thought back to the base. She'd been in the middle of a full-blown panic attack when the Reaper first came after them, and it took plenty of coaxing to get her to do her part. Then, less than five minutes later, she'd been happy and cheery and relaxed even. It took him a good long while to figure out that her behavior was what was bothering him. He'd seen her mood swings before, and while they'd been that drastic in the past, it was never at such an odd time. After the Reaper, she'd been just as reserved and quiet as she was before they had even set foot on it. After Virmire, she'd been withdrawn, and spent most of her time mothering her sister.

Now she was smirking and laughing like nothing happened? Just a few hours ago she was more worried about the people in the med bay than herself. Freakishly focused on something other than herself, which wasn't unusual. Shepard had noticed she got like that when she was having trouble coping with whatever went through her head. Something was wrong, and when something was wrong with that mess of a woman, anyone within a ten yard radius was in danger.

Shepard grabbed his pistol from his desk, strapped it to his hip, and headed for the elevator. "EDI, where's Ashley?"

The AI was silent for a long while, and when she answered, Shepard felt his stomach lurch. "I cannot seem to locate her, Commander."

"Where was the last place you had her?"

"In the elevator," EDI replied. "Logs show it was in the cargo hold before you called it to your cabin."

He frowned. The bay was a wreck after the Reaper fighter tore through it; barriers were up over the holes to keep the ship's pressure equalized, but it wasn't a flawless solution. They weren't the kind of barriers to stop anything heavier than a bullet. What could be down there that she would want?

"What's down there?" he asked.

"Nothing, Commander. All storage facilities were destroyed or lost upon the boarding," the AI said. "Crew members are restricted to deck two until they've been cleared by the doctors, but it is taking an understandably long amount of time without more staff."

The doors opened for him and Shepard stepped inside, jamming his finger into the button to take him to deck four. "Keep it that way until I figure out what's going on."

"Of course, Commander. Logging you out."

He glanced down at the gun strapped to his hip. Back when they just started this mission, he had kept the gun in case Ashley went after him, or went after someone else. The practice had been abandoned once she stopped snapping so often, and she'd eventually warmed up to him...again. But even on Virmire, Shepard had been prepared to shoot her if necessary. There was so much going on that he didn't understand, and if it came down to it, Shepard would choose the ship of people over one person. He always did.

As the elevator descended, Shepard knew it wasn't going to be as easy as he imagined it. If he had to shoot her, he didn't think he'd be able to. When they first boarded the ship, maybe. On Virmire, maybe. On the Reaper, maybe. Now? He doubted it. Shepard had tried to distance himself and failed, and she'd done the same. At first, he was just glad to see her alive, but after seeing her everyday, slowly spiralling into someone entirely different from the woman he knew, it became easier to push her away. And he tried. God knew he did. But the easier it got, the harder it got. He started to miss the way her eyes lit up when they talked, or the smile that ever so rarely tugged at her lips. Even the casual brushes of their hands together, whether it was purposeful or not.

Kissing her had been a mistake. It had come from so much frustration with his life, an intense desire for something normal. And while he didn't regret it, he did. This...whatever they had...it wouldn't end well. Part of him didn't care and just wanted to enjoy it while it lasted, but the other half told him to push her away at every turn. It was the same nagging voice that told him saving Alenko was right.

Shepard hated himself for it. He grew up idealistic, soft, raised to be a gentleman. Now he was older, and his experiences kept fighting with his own nature. Life was a pain in the ass.

That voice told him he might have to shoot the woman he'd admitted to loving. The rest of him refused, even if it meant endangering the entire ship. And that was just as dangerous as leaving Ashley alone when he knew something was wrong.

The elevator stopped and pulled him from his thoughts. Dread settled in his chest. Whatever happened down here, he wasn't going to like it.

Shepard expected to have to actually look for her. EDI couldn't find her, but there she was, sitting on the floor with her back to him. Ashley was on the other side of a table though, and he couldn't see what she was doing. That was assuming she was doing something at all, and not just staring off into space like she typically did.

"Hey."

His brows shot up. She sounded so casual that it surprised him, but also sounded like death. One word was all it took for him to know something was wrong. He stepped off the elevator and the doors closed behind him. "What are you doing down here?"

"You need to leave," she said matter-of-factly.

Shepard's skin crawled; his hand reflexively went towards the gun, but he caught himself. He'd talked her down before. He could do it again.

"I was worried about you," he said, dodging the order she gave. Ashley just laughed. It was bitter, sad even. Not the same person he'd seen in the cockpit fifteen minutes ago, not the person who he'd run through the Collector base with an hour ago. "Are you, uh, okay?"

"Go. Away."

Given what they'd been through, a smart man would've done exactly that. A smart, _selfish_ man. Shepard knew better than to leave her down here to her own devices. "I can't do that," he said.

"Why?" she demanded. "This is the only place on this godforsaken ship that I can get a moment to myself, and you _insist_ on pestering me. I'm not doing anything wrong, Shepard. Leave me alone."

"I didn't say you were," he retorted. "But that leads me to believe you're going to. Or you're at least afraid you're going to." She didn't say anything further, so he took a step closer. "What are you doing down here?" It was a repeated question, but those tended to get through to her better than most things.

"Thinking," she finally said.

"About what?"

"About the Reapers." Shepard frowned as he stepped around the table, crouching to get a better look at her. She looked fine. Tired, but fine. Her eyes caught his as her brows furrowed; she saw his gun. "I'm not going to hurt you."

He glanced at the pistol, and then shrugged somewhat sheepishly. "It was a habit." Ashley rolled her eyes and shook her head, reverting her attention to the hole in the cargo bay doors. "Why are you worrying about that? We just destroyed the Reapers' biggest advantage. Cut yourself some slack."

"Their biggest advantage? Commander, the Collectors didn't do much of anything other than research organic life. They might've built a Reaper, but they were scientists, not soldiers."

"They fought like soldiers," he retorted.

"The Reapers don't need the Collectors," Ashley said. "The biggest threat we'll face are their spies. They're ordinary people, and by the time anyone will realize what they are, it'll be too late. Imagine if they got to one of the scientists on Grissom Academy, or to one of the soldiers on Arcturus. Destroying the station wouldn't be a problem for the Reapers to begin with, but if they had someone on the base, disabling the defensive capabilities would save them from losing any of their numbers."

Shepard sighed and ran a hand down his face. "Do you ever stop?"

"Stop what?"

"Worrying. Making everything out to be worse than it is."

"I don't know what I'm worrying about," Ashley said rather flatly. "I've told you before I'm a realist. And right now, I'm looking at our options, and I'm not seeing any good ones."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning I don't see anyone in the galaxy surviving this cycle. Not with how they've ignored your warnings. Blanketing _Sovereign_ and portraying Saren as the real threat. Covering up your death because it would quell anyone who even remotely thought you might be right. The Protheans were more advanced than even the asari, and _they_ weren't ready when the Reapers came."

"So...what? You think we should just lay down and die when they get here?"

"I'm thinking maybe I should," she admitted. "I could barely think back there, and I'm still having trouble." Before he could say anything, she continued, "The rest of the galaxy? No. No one should just lay down and let the Reapers kill them. But there's not much anyone's going to be capable of otherwise."

Shepard's frown deepened. "Do you want to die, Ash?"

"What? No. I'm just saying I wouldn't be as dangerous if I were dead."

"No one would be dangerous if they were dead."

"Nobody else walks the line between sanity and indoctrination everyday."

"If you were going to give in, I'd think you'd have already done it by now."

To his surprise, Ashley laughed again. It wasn't so depressing this time, but more amused. Dry amusement, maybe, but it was better than that bitter thing from before. "You'd think they'd stop wasting the effort, but when you're the most powerful thing in the galaxy, why not keep going? It's not like they have anything to lose."

"Ah, well...I doubt anyone has ever fought so hard," Shepard answered.

She shrugged. "Who knows?"

"How _do_ you keep it together?"

"You've been waiting to ask that, haven't you?" Shepard smiled apologetically, and Ashley rolled her eyes again. "To be honest, I don't know. When it gets bad, I...remove myself from the situation, or I think about music. _Loud_ music. That crap Trakes plays in his helmet."

"And thinking about it helps?"

"Sometimes. It helps when it's quiet and I have nothing else to think about. If it gets bad while I'm out with you, I remind myself of what would happen if I let go. Sometimes I focus on the good things I have and it blocks the Reapers' out."

"So...you improvise."

"Anything to shut them up for five minutes. It's easier if I'm relaxed."

As she said it, she waved a hand at the hole in the cargo bay. Shepard followed her gaze as she watched the stars sail past, and while he could understand why she found it relaxing, it wasn't something that did anything for him. He grew up in space, and seeing stars was so underwhelming because of it that he didn't care.

"That's why you're down here." It wasn't a question; it was a fact. Here she could get away from the noise on the other decks, get somewhere that she was sure no one would bother her. "How bad is it?"

"It got better when you came," she admitted. "The Reapers are afraid of you, remember? If I decide I'm done fighting them with you around, there's a greater chance I'll end up dead before I can be useful. It's not much of a change, but..." Ashley shrugged and tried to smile. "It's there."

"Is that why you stuck around?"

"I stuck around because I don't feel like running from Cerberus." Her expression softened for a brief second, but she looked away and it hardened again. "And...yeah, you being here had something to do with it."

Shepard snorted a laugh and sat back on his hands, still keeping his distance. "That's not what I asked."

"I _did_ make a promise before we went through that relay."

"Don't worry about it. There's always tomorrow."

"We're headed to the Citadel. As soon as we get there, Anderson will have people to 'arrest' me, and you'll be sent to Earth for the Alliance to deal with. So...no, there's really not a tomorrow."

"Imagine it like there is," Shepard said casually. "It's not like we'll never see each other again."

She sighed and drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. "Whatever you say, Commander."

* * *

 **A/N** **: And there it is, the longest and worst chapter so far. Also the end to ME2! Woo! Thank you guys so much for reading, and thank you for sticking with these guys for so long (and my ridiculous update schedule). Whether you've been here from chapter one, or jumped in somewhere along the way, I appreciate that you've stuck it out; it means a lot to me.**

 **The next couple chapters will be filled with time skips and will focus directly on Ashley since we already know what happens with Shepard (house arrest, yay?). Not sure how many there will be, but the start of Mass Effect 3 will be hers as well before Shepard gets his own chapter again. I know Shepard only got two chapters this time around, but let's face it. The Ashley chapters are better (or I think so anyway).**

 **Thank you guys again for reading! I hope you guys continue to enjoy this all the way to the end.**


	55. Chapter 55

_Calm,_ she told herself. _Deep_ _breaths._

It had been a month, a little over, since Anderson sent her back to the Alliance. Earth. She hadn't seen the planet in years. Not that she remembered, at least, and there wasn't anything nostalgic about seeing it through the eyes of a murderer. It was a beautiful planet filled with all kinds of people, mostly humans, but it was always fascinating to her. Ashley had never been to Earth until she enlisted, and afterwards, she was hardly ever there anyway. Earth was a hub for the Alliance, not a place they stationed many marines. Navy personnel, but not marines. She spent most of her time bouncing colonies.

Now Ashley never saw herself getting off this planet. Within that month, the Alliance had taken so many blood samples and scans of her entire body Ashley had had her fill of hospital rooms. Every implant, cybernetic or Reaper, had been catalogued and studied extensively, and if one was decided to be safe for removal, it was taken away. Needless to say, very few were safe. Most were attached to her spine or brain, and whatever wasn't added so much to her that removing it would knock her off balance for years. But the medical procedures were done. Out of the way. The doctors and scientists had everything they needed to understand what Cerberus had done to her, and now she was being evaluated.

Ashley hated that word. "Evaluated." The therapist she was forced to talk to said it like the Alliance wanted to make sure she was still capable of keeping up with the rest of the marines. It irritated her. Of _course_ she was capable of it; if anything, it was their marines that wouldn't be able to keep up with _her._

Her skin crawled and she resisted the urge to rub the sore spot. It was at the base of her skull, the same spot Chakwas and Mordin had removed an implant from. Tracking, tapped her brain functions and nervous system. It had been gone for months, but the Alliance had been adamant about trying to get the control chip out of her brain. The surgery still gave her headaches. They'd repeated the process and somehow managed to succeed. She was free. She didn't have to fear Cerberus getting their hands on her again.

Unfortunately, the headaches had gotten worse. Sometimes she'd see spots over her vision, little black dots that would blot out the rest of the world until she was completely blind. By then, her body typically healed whatever caused the damage, but on more than one occasion, Ashley had been left blinded for over an hour. She couldn't complain, though. Temporary blindness and headaches were a small price to pay for everything she'd gotten out of it.

The doctors were still working on a way to fix it. Ashley didn't think their studies would ever amount to much, but she wasn't going to argue. She hadn't thought removing the control chip was possible. Who was she to say they wouldn't be able to find a way to solve her vision problems too?

Currently, however, she was finishing up with a simulation the Alliance had put together. On Earth, the Alliance could afford projects like this and have the space for them. It was a course much like the one a recruit had to run at the end of basic, but this was little more than a refresher. It didn't have the zero gravity sections, and she didn't have to run it with a fire team. At the end of the day, it was little more than a field to test someone's combat skills.

The time the instructor gave her was ten minutes. Ashley finished it in seven. All that got her was another run, and another, and another. He ran it until she couldn't take it any longer, or he assumed she couldn't. She hopped a barricade and expected him to tell her to go back through, but instead, he was waiting for her at the end. He hadn't given her a name and his patches were covered by a bulletproof vest, and she assumed he didn't know her name either. He'd spent the last five hours calling her any name under the sun, but never once by her name or rank. She doubted he knew what he was really doing to begin with.

"We've seen enough," he said, pushing his goggles back into place with his index finger.

Ashley pulled her goggles off entirely, letting them dangle around her neck. Sweat started rolling into her eyes, but she wiped it off. "I'm sorry?"

"Come with me."

He spun on his heel and marched across the opening, headed through the doors back into the base. Ashley followed, albeit slowly, scratching at the nape of her neck as she went. Rifle fire wasn't allowed indoors, and the course was indoors due to the weather outside, so she shoved her pistol into its holster after clicking on its safety.

Now that she wasn't worried about being hit with stun rounds, Ashley could enjoy the unfiltered air being pumped throughout the premises. It was one of the things she loved about being planetside; breathable atmospheres. The air was scanned for chemicals and viruses before being released throughout the ducts, but was otherwise untouched. The air she breathed came straight from the outside world. Cool, crisp. Not hot and humid. Given the fact that the guy ahead of her just spent the last few hours pushing her to her limits, she was grateful for the air conditioning.

Having foregone the offered protection, Ashley had been able to move a lot more fluidly than expected, and wasn't as hot and sweaty as she could've been. However, with each step, she felt her hair pulling itself free of its bun. After sliding through the open door, she pulled it free entirely and pulled it back into a lazy, loose tie. She could fix it later.

"This way," the instructor said, leading her up a set of stairs.

 _I hate steps,_ she grumbled, jogging up behind him.

The staircase led to a small landing with an armed guard. He had a helmet on, visor closed, and the N7 designation on his chest. Ashley resisted the urge to stare and followed the instructor into the observation deck. Save the man in formal dress blues, the other armed guard, and the hardass she spent her day with, the room was empty. Its numbers depleted even further when the man in blues, an _admiral,_ ordered both the guard and the instructor out of the room.

"Lock the door," he ordered. Ashley locked the door without question and stood at attention, but a wave from him told her to relax. She slipped into an easier pose, keeping her hands behind her back. "You know who I am?"

The voice clicked after a brief second of scouring her brain. "Admiral Hackett."

"Techs said your memory might be off, Lieutenant."

"I've been able to make do, sir," she said.

He nodded. "Anderson forwarded Commander Shepard's reports." Hackett fixed her with an intense stare, but Ashley didn't flinch. She matched that stare, and for a half a second, she thought he smirked. It was gone just as fast. "You've gotten yourself into quite the predicament, haven't you?"

"In my defense, sir, I wasn't exactly capable of resisting Cerberus."

"No, like I said, I understand the situation," Hackett said. "Most soldiers would be lucky to get off with a simple discharge. Dishonorable, mind you." Ashley's brows betrayed her curiosity. "And yet, you somehow have managed to convince the councilor you're deserving of a reinstatement."

"Is that a problem, Admiral?" she asked, careful to keep her voice flat.

Hackett shook his head and Ashley resisted the urge to breathe a sigh of relief. "Not at all. Loyalty is never a problem, not until it goes too far. How far would you say your loyalty to the Alliance goes?"

Ashley shrugged a shoulder. "I know when to draw the line if that's what you're asking, sir. Cruelty and due process are on two totally different wavelengths."

"So if I put you on a mission with Cerberus operatives, you wouldn't kill them if they surrendered?"

That caught her. Ashley wasn't sure what to say, but she kept her expression straight until she could think of how to word her response. "It depends on what they were responsible for."

"You wouldn't let past grievances keep you from doing what was right?"

"Like I said, it depends. Some men deserve to die. Others only do what they think is right, or do what they have to to survive. If that pushes them to Cerberus...I might not like them, but I won't fault them for it. Life doesn't always make your options clear."

Hackett studied her for a while. Even while she yearned to look elsewhere, to get a feel for her surroundings, Ashley held that gaze. She didn't let herself look away, and after a long time, Hackett visibly cracked a smirk before wiping it off his face.

"You're as stubborn as Anderson, Lieutenant."

"I wouldn't be alive if I wasn't stubborn, sir."

"No, I imagine you wouldn't be," Hackett agreed. "It's impressive, how far your handlers say you've come in only five weeks."

Ashley ignored the word 'handlers' and said, "Getting off the _Normandy_ was what I needed."

"So it seems," he said. "Why do you want to reenlist?"

"The Alliance is my life. Or...it was, before Virmire. I can't see myself doing anything else, and there's nowhere else in the galaxy where I'd be as useful." _Unless you count Cerberus, but that's not an option._ She nearly shuddered. Her body had cooled once she stopped moving; sweat still caked her skin and goosebumps broke out over her arms and neck. It was cold.

"You realize being reinstated would take away any benefits your family would be receiving, yes?"

Ashley nodded. "I'm aware, sir. I've spoken with them about it."

"Your file suggests disassociation with your past, but you've talked to your family?"

Her eye twitched. "All due respect, Admiral, but my file can't tell you about the promises I made on the SR-2. I told them I'd call to let them know what was going on. I haven't broken a promise before, and I don't intend to start just because Cerberus stuck needles in me."

"So you want in?" Hackett pressed.

Ashley nodded once. "Yes, sir."

"You'd still have to report to whatever medical screenings that you were issued. This isn't a way to avoid your treatment."

"I don't want to avoid it. I haven't felt as good since...well, it was a while ago, sir. Cerberus isn't something I want to be associated with."

"And the Reapers?"

Her voice caught in her throat and she looked at her feet. "The Alliance is acting on Shepard's warnings?"

"Anderson is pushing both here and on the Citadel," Hackett explained.

"Then I'll do whatever I can," she decided aloud.

"I should make it clear this is the only reason Anderson was able to persuade the Defense Committee that you deserved a second chance. If the Reapers are real, the Alliance will need every edge it can get, and your knowledge might be the difference between extinction and survival."

"I understand," Ashley said. "But I'm not the one you want to follow when they get here. All I can do is tell you that the Reapers won't make it easy on us. I'll give whatever information I'm asked for, but I'm not good at leading the masses. You'll just have to trust Shepard with that, Admiral."

" _If_ the Reapers come, I highly doubt I'll be able to dissuade the Commander from requesting your transfer."

"The _Normandy_ is as much my home as it is his," she replied. "And besides, you'd stick him at the front of it anyway. Hero of Elysium, first human Spectre, Savior of the Citadel, and the man who defeated the Collectors. There's no better poster boy, Admiral, and no one more qualified than Shepard. I belong on the front lines with him, sir. It's where I can do the most damage."

He eyed her suspiciously. She'd gotten awfully perceptive since Cerberus' revival, and sometimes, like now, she'd taken it a step too far. Whatever that look was, Hackett was definitely on to her. Ashley would have to be careful, or both her and Shepard would get bit in the ass.

After a moment, Hackett stuck out a hand. "Welcome to the Alliance, Lieutenant-Commander."

The rank caught her off-guard. Once again, she forced her composure to tough it out, and she shook his hand. "Thank you, sir, but...a promotion? Two?"

"The Alliance doesn't forget the breaks it caught," he said flatly.

Her brows shot up. "That data I sent? You got it?"

"It led to the arrest of several Cerberus agents positioned in key places along the chain of command."

She almost laughed. She'd leaked that data years ago, her final "fuck you" to Cerberus before everything got nasty. To be perfectly honest, Ashley wasn't even sure what she had leaked, but it had apparently been important. The Illusive Man had nearly killed her for it and the Alliance had caught Cerberus spies. All in all, she'd mark that a success. Pissed Cerberus off, helped the Alliance. A win-win in her book.

"I'm glad to hear it, Admiral," Ashley said.

"Good," Hackett replied. "Your gear has been returned to your apartment and personnel have already been notified of your rank. Unless Anderson or myself give you a direct order, you are to stay in Vancouver until further notice. However, if there are any incidents with your breakdowns, Anderson won't be able to protect you from the Committee. You'll be discharged without hesitation."

"Understood, sir."

He nodded again. "You're dismissed."

There was something oddly self-satisfying about walking out of that room without an escort falling in to make sure she got where she was going. As she jogged down the stairs, she glanced back at the N7 and tried not to smile to herself. The Alliance was cautious, but they acknowledged she was dangerous _only_ if she wanted to be. Cerberus automatically assumed she was only dangerous to their enemies. No guards for the Illusive Man. They were arrogant enough to believe no one would ever find him.

Ashley turned down a hall and made her way for the elevator. The Alliance had returned her confiscated equipment. There were going to be modifications indefinitely, but it wasn't like Ashley was incapable of changing anything if she deemed it necessary. All that mattered to her was the fact that she was trusted with it again.

For once, she was glad Scuttlebutt had been right. Even if she wasn't allowed to do anything but leave the base, it still felt good to be home. The Alliance was where she belonged.


	56. Chapter 56

A girly squeal of excitement split her ear over the speakers and Ashley flinched, blinking rapidly to recover as the other camera came into focus. It was easy to forget how excitable her sisters could get, adults or not. Listening to them shriek like children made her feel old.

"You said you'd call sooner!" Sarah exclaimed.

Ashley flinched again. "Good God, not so loud. I have a headache."

Sarah squinted at her over the edge of her desk before moving off the camera. "That's what you get for being late. Don't tell me it's because you were out drinking."

"What? No! I had...stuff to do. Alliance stuff." _Great, that didn't sound suspicious at all._ Ashley decided to switch the topic before she had to explain she forgot to take her meds the night before, and said, "I thought you were going home this weekend. I wanted to call so I could talk to all of you."

"I _am_ home, sis. Abby's sleeping and Lynn's out with mom."

Ashley leaned forward and squinted. "Oh. You rearranged the...living room?"

"This is the basement."

Sarah reappeared on-screen, flopping down on a chair rather tiredly. Her hair was down, and the red was becoming more and more obvious as the weather got colder in the States. Ashley wasn't even going to bother attempting to remember which state they were in; she'd just be glad they were in the same time zone. That was all that mattered.

"So. What's up? How's college?" Sarah fought back a smile as a blush crept over her cheeks and Ashley tried not to laugh. It came out more of a scoff and a snort, and Sarah giggled. "You can't make a face like that and _not_ tell me what's going on. So come on, spit it out before Abby gets up and I get swarmed."

The blush darkened a bit. With how light her hair was, the red in her cheeks was almost the same as it was in her hair. "I, uh...met a guy." Ashley's eyebrows shot up. That hadn't been exactly what she was expecting, but hey, if Sarah was embarrassed about it, that was a good sign, right?

"That's it?"

"Well...no, but—"

"But?" Ashley fished, waving a hand in a circular motion in a stupid attempt to speed her up. Sarah might be the most outgoing, but the kid never wanted to share stuff like that. At this point, that was all Ashley figured she was going to get the chance to hear about, and she didn't want to dig for another topic.

"He's in the Alliance," Sarah admitted. "His name is Thomas."

"The uniform get you?"

Sarah laughed again. "It...might've had something to do with it."

"Guys always look good in uniform," Ashley said.

"And you have them all in the Alliance," Sarah said wistfully, kicking her feet up on the desk. "You're lucky, you know. Constant eye candy. I'm stuck with guys running around drunk all the time."

"Marines aren't much better off duty," she teased. "But come on, tell me about this guy. You said his name was Thomas? Is he in the officer program or what?"

Sarah shrugged. "He's enlisted in the navy. My roommate introduced us. He's her brother."

"He serves on ships?"

"I don't think so. Not yet. He coordinates supply runs for some of the cruisers." Sarah bolted into a normal position fast enough that something flew off the desk and shattered, and she groaned.

"What was that?"

She shook her head. "Just a glass. I'll clean it up later. Anyway, enough about me. Tell me what's going on with you. I bet the Alliance wasn't happy to hear you were alive...or Shepard. How'd that go?"

"Fine," Ashley said quickly. "He lost the _Normandy_ though. He's under lockdown."

"What about you? Are you on house arrest too?"

"Nah. I got off pretty easy compared to him. I'm not _supposed_ to leave the apartment, but I can if I have to. And I have extranet access. That's pretty much all I need if I'm stuck in here, I guess. I mean, they stuck me with a promotion, so I have a lot of paychecks piling up for nothing, but the food's free and there's nothing I need."

"Not even clothes?" Sarah asked.

"Just an endless supply of Alliance uniforms."

"That's boring."

"It's not like I need to dress up to sit around and do nothing. All I do is eat, sleep, and watch TV unless I'm talking to a therapist. And that only happens once a week...or if I do something stupid, like skip eating for a week straight."

Sarah leaned forward and crossed her arms over the desk. "You've done that?" Ashley shrugged lamely and her sister's jaw dropped. "But why? That's unhealthy...and food is the greatest thing in the galaxy!"

Ashley snorted a laugh. "You think there's a reason I have to go talk to the guy?"

She waved a hand. "Mom's cooking would straighten you out in less than a hour."

"Too bad I can't leave the city, huh?"

Sarah sighed. "Yeah. I miss you."

The corner of her mouth quirked in a half smile. "Yeah, I miss you guys too."

Silence lapsed over them, and Ashley allowed her eyes to wander over the room. There was a couch, probably facing a TV, and a couple scattered boxes, mostly concentrated in the far corner. A blanket was thrown over the back of the sofa, and if she looked closely, she could see a pillow on one end. More another room of the house than a basement.

A bang sounded in the background and Sarah looked up. "That's just mom and Lynn."

"Where'd they go?"

"Shopping," Sarah said. "Hang on, I'll go get them." She stopped briefly to brush up the broken glass before running off in the opposite direction. A door closed a couple seconds later, and once she was sure it was safe, Ashley let her head hit the table. A groan escaped her lips; she should've put this off until tomorrow. Without her medication, her headaches came back constantly, and having forgotten to take it the night before was killing her today. Ashley could've screamed.

Maybe she wouldn't have forgotten if Trakes hadn't insisted on checking on her. The man was insufferable, but in a sibling sort of way. He annoyed her to no end. And with how often she wanted to thwack him upside the head, she assumed it was deliberate. What else could it be? It was a reverse of her and Kaidan's positions—Kaidan had mothered her on the SR-1, and now she mothered Trakes.

Ashley picked her head up when she heard several pairs of feet pounding down a staircase somewhere off the screen. Sarah was chittering away excitedly with what sounded like Abby, but it had been so long since she'd seen any of them (except Sarah) that it could've been Lynn and she wouldn't have been surprised. However, the disgruntled, half asleep grunts and irritated remarks told her it was, in fact, Abby. She'd always hated her naps being disrupted.

"...supposed to be unloading the car," someone scolded. Involuntarily, Ashley tried to lean around and see who was talking, but it was pretty stupid, given that what she was seeing was just on the other end of a camera. "Mom's gonna break her back carrying all that stuff without—"

"Then go help her!" Sarah retorted. "But hurry up, 'cause—"

Sarah stayed off-screen, but Abby appeared as she dropped onto the sofa with a sleepy groan. Her hair was still a mess and she was in her night clothes. She looked like Sarah had dragged her out of bed, almost literally. It wasn't something Sarah would do, but Lynn definitely would.

Ashley cleared her throat. Abby grunted, didn't move, and was hit with a shoe as Sarah sat back down in her chair. She tried not to sigh, biting back a laugh, and said, "You could've let her sleep, y'know. It's not like I'm going anywhere."

"Don't baby her," Sarah deadpanned. "She's been sleeping all day."

"That's because I don't sleep any other day of the week!" Abby shouted. "Take your stupid chat elsewhere!"

"Or...you could come say hi?" Sarah suggested.

"I don't like people," Abby retorted. "All your friends are weird, anyway."

Sarah huffed in irritation. "You have anything to say about that, Ash?"

"Well, I guess I'm a little weird." _That doesn't exactly cover my problems._ "I could always call back some other day."

Abby craned her head back over the arm of the couch and Ashley arched a brow, watching as several different expressions passed over her sister's face. Once she finally seemed to understand what was going on, there was a knock at her door. Sarah must've heard it because she groaned, but Ashley ignored it, holding up a hand.

"I'll be right back."

She got up from the table and headed from her bedroom out into the only other room in the small apartment, which doubled as pretty much anything else she might need. She pulled the door shut behind her in an attempt to block whatever sounds might filter back and forth, and stopped at the end table beside her own couch. No one should be looking for her on a Wednesday. Not at this hour, at least.

Her hand closed around the grip of her gun as she hid it in the waistband of her uniform. Whoever was out there knocked again. Ashley fought the urge to tell them to go away; if it wasn't someone from Cerberus, telling them to leave her alone would probably be a bad idea. They might have something important for her. Whatever that might be escaped her, but it was always a possibility, no matter how slight.

A chime from her omni-tool made her jump, and Ashley swore.

"Good to know you're awake," Trakes said from the other side of the door. "Let me in. It's important."

"You scared the shit out of me," she growled, sliding the lock open. He stood in the doorway, hard suit and all, and she frowned at the logo imprinted on his chest. "N7?"

"Yeah, long story. You got a minute?"

"I was on the—"

"Great," he said, cutting her off. Trakes pushed her inside and closed the door, locking it behind them. He went straight for the window, peeked outside. "You heard any strange noises the last couple of days?"

Ashley was still trying to get over the fact that he was special forces. At this point, it had become pretty obvious, but she still hadn't noticed. Trakes had more training than any of the marines she knew, and had the same cocky attitude a lot of N7s had. They were the best the Alliance had to offer and they knew it.

"I'm a little busy," Ashley said.

He glanced back at her and frowned. For the guy that always smiles, a frown was odd. "Doing what? Sleeping?"

"In my uniform? Yeah, I was sleeping."

A grin cracked his features, but it was obvious that he was trying to be serious. "We don't have time for that. Have you heard or seen anything weird in the last 72 hours?"

"Uh, no?" Trakes started rattling off questions, but she stopped him with a hand. "Just...hang on. Let me go tell my family I'll have to call them back."

Trakes' face fell. "I didn't realize... Sorry, Ash."

"You wouldn't be here so late if it wasn't important, right? Don't worry about it."

Ashley turned to head back to the bedroom and Trakes made a sound. "You were going to pull a gun on me?"

"I didn't know it was you!" she retorted, pulling the pistol out of her belt. After throwing it on her bed, she marched back to her desk. Her sisters were on the couch, all three of them, and she sighed, running a hand down her face. "I'm back, but...I gotta go."

"What? Why?"

"You just called!"

Sarah and Abby were both demanding answers, but Lynn was just eyeing her suspiciously. It was nice to see _one_ of them wasn't still a girly mess of giggles and attitude.

"Quiet," Lynn snapped. They shut up surprisingly fast and Ashley laughed, shaking her head. "If she has to go, she has to go. It's happened before."

"The last time she 'had to go,' I ended up trapped underground," Sarah retorted.

"It's nothing like that," Ashley said quickly. "I promise. I just... Something came up."

Sarah got up and returned to her desk, smiling sadly. "Nothing just comes up. We've had this planned for two weeks."

"Yeah, I—"

"Why is there a gun on your bed?" Sarah demanded, looking past her.

"Don't worry about it. I'm fine, and I'll call you back when I get the chance, okay? I really need to go, though. I love you guys."

Before Sarah could even get a word out, Ashley reached up and closed the chat. She disconnected the camera and tossed it aside, grabbed her gun, and returned to the living room. Trakes was still by the window, but now he was on the other side, peeking out from behind the curtain.

"Now what the hell is this about? What's with the conbat armor?"

"Straight to business," Trakes said, barely sparing a glance in her direction as she joined him. "I like it. Shepard spent twenty minutes questioning me about the N7 thing."

"Trakes!"

"Right," he said, dropping the curtain. Instead of talking, he pulled a small chip from one of the ammo pouches on his hip. "It's from Anderson. I don't know what's on it, but I was ordered to give it to someone he trusts."

Ashley frowned, glancing from the chip back up to him, and said, "Me. So you brought it to me, the one that's probably indoctrinated."

"I went to Shepard first," Trakes said.

"Why didn't you give it to the Committee?"

"Because I was supposed to keep it from anyone who might be working for Cerberus." One of her eyebrows arched and he groaned. "The Alliance cleared you, so is that good enough? It's filled with encrypted data and it doesn't follow any known ciphers. I can't crack it, Shepard couldn't crack it, so I brought it to you. Can you at least try?"

"I'm not supposed to get involved in anything unless Hackett or Anderson orders it," she said carefully.

"This is for Anderson!" Trakes exclaimed.

Ashley eyed the data chip, eyed Trakes, and then relented with a sigh. She took it from him and marched back to her bedroom, waving the man after her. She sat back down at her desk, popping the chip into the slot. For several seconds, nothing happened, and she thought she heard Trakes' heart rate increase.

"Relax," she said. "I've got this."

"Famous last words."

"Unless it's designed to overload the hardware to the point it explodes, there's not much a data chip can do to hurt me." As soon as she said it, Trakes took a step back. Ashley rolled her eyes. Rather than comment on the show, she went through the computer's filing system and located the card. Clicking on it, a drop down menu appeared with a lone file. It had a name, but that name was little more than a jumbled mess of letters, numbers, and symbols.

"It's an authorization code."

"A what?" Trakes asked.

"Authorization code," Ashley repeated, louder and purposefully enunciating each syllable. Trakes' reflection rolled his eyes too. "Guess N7s aren't the best at everything, huh?"

"No, we're good at everything. In a...general manner of speaking."

"General, my ass," she snorted, turning back to the monitor. One more look at the code and she had it memorized. Then she opened the file, only to be greeted with an even bigger mess of letters, numbers, and symbols.

"Crack that, genius," Trakes said sarcastically.

"How did you _not_ get this?"

"Wait. You know what this is?"

She nodded and got to her feet, headed for the dresser she kept her things in. The mess was still concentrated inside of her backpack, but it didn't matter. She grabbed it, opened the zipper, and dumped the contents out on her bed. The Alliance had ransacked it, gone through everything. Ashley had yet to rearrange her stuff into the organized mess she liked.

"Are you...going to tell me?"

"Blackwatch coding," she said quickly, riffling through the smaller bag of thumb drives.

"Like turian special forces?" Ashley nodded again. "How do you know what an encrypted turian transmission looks like?"

Ashley found the one she was looking for and returned to her seat, sticking it in the open port. "Cerberus likes to keep tabs on all the governments. They pay a lot if someone leaks this kind of stuff."

"Of course," he said, waving a hand. "Because the Alliance would keep this on hand."

"Anderson has it. Why don't you?"

"Maybe because Anderson's the first human councilor?"

"Or maybe because he stole this and has someone who knows their codes," Ashley said. She opened the bypass program and set it to work on the file, then sat back in her chair. "It's gonna be a couple hours. Blackwatch knows what they're doing. Unlike you, apparently."

"I didn't come here to get shit from you," Trakes said.

Ashley laughed and shook her head. "No, you came here to give me shit and I turned it around on you."

Trakes just laughed and shrugged. "I live to please."

"More like annoy."

"You love it."

"I love to hate it," she corrected. Trakes laughed again, and for a while, she was content to enjoy the familiarity of the teasing. She'd never seen the man so anxious and worked up over something, but she did get the feeling him coming here was a last resort. Trakes had been happy to follow orders; he only ever dropped by Tuesday nights, the designated pit stop he had on his way from the shooting range to the mess hall. And out of all the faces she saw, his was the only one she knew. Kaidan never crossed her path, and she doubted Shepard would.

 _House arrest has to suck,_ she thought.

Trakes had taken to snooping through the stuff she'd pulled from her backpack, but Ashley didn't mind. She'd dumped that thing out and opened it up for various reasons when they'd been fighting the Collectors. Why was it any different now?

"So. N7, huh?"

He paused, looking up from the self-written handbook she carried on how to handle certain situations. All it really was was a cluster of notes on whatever she thought she might need.

"Yeah, N7," Trakes replied.

"How did you end up on Horizon?"

He shrugged. "Same way Captain Canada did, actually." Ashley bit her tongue to keep from laughing. That was a new one. "I was dispatched to his command with orders to get onto the _Normandy_ and figure out what was going on."

"You spied on us."

"Pretty much," Trakes said.

Ashley eyed him a little longer, now seated on the edge of her bed, while he thumbed through the little notebook. "I should've been able to see it."

He glanced up at her, shrugged. "I joined the Alliance under the Infiltrator Initiative. You're not supposed to see me coming." Trakes hesitated, then added, "Literally and figuratively."

"You signed on for a suicide mission because the Alliance told you to?"

"Believe it or not, I've done stranger things for the Alliance."

"Oh, I believe it," Ashley said. "What I don't believe is the fact that you agreed to it."

"I follow orders fairly well," Trakes said. "Get on Shepard's ship, get close enough to figure out what's going on. If I hadn't been there, you both might've had a tougher time dealing with the Committee."

She grunted. "Thanks, I guess."

"You're welcome."

"I hate you, y'know."

He flashed her a grin. "Hate you too."


	57. Chapter 57

"Where did you find this kid?"

"Eden Prime."

Ashley's teeth grated as she finished combing through the Academy's systems. To her left, Trakes was similarly engaged, though he had to use a jury-rigged command module to look for bugs. The Reapers were smart, disguised their own lines of programming as the host's. She knew what to look for, though how she did still escaped her. Maybe it was better not knowing.

The message Anderson had sent told them to get to Grissom Academy; it had been attacked by Reaper forces. One Reaper troop, in far worse condition than Ashley herself. Paul Grayson. The Reapers sent him to transmit Alliance data to the fleet, still somewhere in dark space, and Ashley counted her blessings. The less Reapers she dealt with, the better. Fortunately for her, Grayson was long dead by the time her and Trakes made it out to Elysium and the Academy.

"You good over there?" she asked.

"Looks like it," Trakes replied. "I'm starting the reboot of the systems now." He tossed her the drive she stored the program on and frowned at it. Ashley hadn't expected it to work, but then, she never did give herself enough credit. She'd spent the entire day working on the program, designed to hunt down suspicious bugs and create an alert so it could be deleted. Not once had it found anything...or not on the last system Trakes had gone through.

He held up three fingers, counted down to zero. They both hit the hard restart keys, and the servers powered down before kicking back on several seconds later.

"And there you go," Trakes said, turning back to the other two people in the room. "One Reaper-free system, courtesy of our less-insane Ashley Williams."

She snorted, but focused on putting her various pieces of equipment away into her backpack. Once she was satisfied that she hadn't forgotten anything, Ashley stood and brushed her hands off on her pants. Yesterday had been creating the program Trakes used; today was spent pouring over the Alliance's records to make sure the Reapers didn't leave behind any bugs from Grayson.

"I want to see it," she said to Anderson. "His body."

"Are you sure that's a—"

A look from her shut Sanders up. Kahlee Sanders, high up on the Academy's chain of command, and Ashley was getting herself a crap reputation. Great plan.

"I have every right to see it," Ashley said flatly. "You say he had biotic abilities from the Reaper tech. I don't. I want to see what's different."

"It's a lot to take in," Anderson said. "You and Grayson... I see no similarities."

"I might see something you can't."

"The Reapers could take control of him at will," Kahlee said. "Isn't it enough knowing you don't have to live with that?"

Ashley fixed her with another dark look. "No, it's not. It just tells me Cerberus is refining their process with the implants. He wasn't a biotic until he was taken by the Illusive Man. I want to see what they did."

Anderson and Sanders looked at each other, then motioned for her and Trakes to stay put. The two left the server room and Trakes gave her a sideways look.

"Starting to think you had it easy?" he asked.

"Maybe," Ashley said. "All I know is it took them two years to do to me what they did to Grayson in little less than a month. Cerberus is learning from something. I don't like what that implies."

"Or Grayson wasn't as stubborn as you."

"Being stubborn has nothing to do with it," she retorted. "Everything we know of the Reapers says I should be indoctrinated right now. I shouldn't be chasing down bad lines of code in Alliance databases; I should be flinching at the very thought of it, and I'm not. I shouldn't be able to defy the Reapers as often as I do. It shouldn't even be easy, but it is."

"So...what? Your brain doesn't work right. We already knew that."

Ashley snorted and flicked her eyes from the door over to him. Trakes was smirking. Ashley returned the gesture, briefly, when the door opened again. Anderson was still out in the hallway, but Kahlee waved them out. Wordlessly, Sanders led them across the campus and through the atrium, past the tangled mess of a garden they grew. Trees and flora grew in all sorts of places, reaching over the paths to brush at their clothes as they walked. Ashley decided it would've been a nice place, peaceful even, if an impending sense of doom didn't follow her everywhere she went on the station.

Cerberus was trying to push boundaries they shouldn't touch again. They got their implants to work on another person, and this time, the results were catastrophic. Dead guards, injured students, classified Alliance intel being being sent to the Reaper fleet. From what Anderson explained, Grayson had managed to slaughter a ship filled with turians to boot. Everyone on the ship, dead. And he did it alone.

Ashley didn't think even she was capable of that, though she was sure the biotics had something to do with Grayson's sudden outburst of combat skill. How was that even possible? She'd never heard of someone gaining biotic abilities from eezo exposure as an adult; it always happened before birth. You get exposed to eezo as an adult, there's a good chance you'll die or get some disease that'll kill you just as quickly. If Cerberus figured out how to create biotics after adulthood, Ashley wasn't sure how the Alliance would top that. She wasn't even sure there _was_ any topping that.

Artificial biotics. The thought made her skin crawl.

The four of them headed through a security checkpoint and into a medical ward. Sanders led them past the rooms various students were being housed in, headed for a wing that was otherwise empty save the armed Alliance guard by a door. If what they said about Grayson was true, how in God's name was one marine with an assault rifle going to stop him? He was dead anyway, or so they claimed. Ashley figured better safe than sorry, but not so safe as to waste the Alliance personnel on-site.

Once they reached his post, the marine unlocked the door for them and let them inside. When it shut behind them, Ashley heard the lock click. They weren't taking any chances. She couldn't blame them, either; the very idea of what happened to Grayson scared her, and she didn't think another person in her shoes would be able to do that. As far as Ashley knew, she was still the only one of Cerberus' freak experiments to be classified as a success.

"This way," Sanders said, headed further down the hallway. Ashley had expected them to be in a hospital room, but instead, they'd appeared in what looked like a quarantine zone. Just ahead, there were scuffs on the walls, bullet holes, burns. Signs of fighting. Grayson must've gotten out of hand at this point.

"How bad was it?" Trakes asked.

Anderson glanced back at them both in turn and suddenly, Ashley felt like a child following through a store when she knew she'd only get in trouble when they left. "Not as bad as it could've been."

"It can always be worse," Ashley mumbled.

"How many kids were hurt?" Trakes continued.

"Almost none," Sanders answered, and while Ash didn't know or necessarily care for any of the students here, she was relieved knowing the casualties had been restricted to Alliance personnel. Ashley didn't think anyone deserved to be killed by the monsters Cerberus created, but at least it wasn't the kids. "The only student to have any serious injuries aided a Cerberus agent that...infiltrated the station."

"Leng?" Ashley asked.

Both Anderson and Kahlee stopped, fixing her with hard looks. "How do you know that?"

"The Illusive Man uses him like a handler for...uh...people like...well, like me. He's one of the best wet-works agents Cerberus has, if not _the_ best."

They exchanged looks again before Kahlee spun on her heel and marched off, continuing her way down the damaged hall. Anderson followed the same second, and then Ashley and Trakes. Neither of them seemed to like it when she talked, so she figured it was time to keep her mouth shut. The rest of the walk was quiet. Sanders took them through another doorway; this one was solid metal and had a keypad for access. Four digits. Nine-four-one-eight. Ashley had it memorized in less than a second.

As they stepped inside, Kahlee sealed them in. She punched in another code, and normally Ashley would've stolen a glance to make sure it was the same as the one she used outside, but she was distracted. The room was an icebox, a giant feezer being used to keep Grayson's body from starting to decompose. For some reason, Ashley doubted it would start anytime soon, if at all. Reaper tech could do some weird shit to a person.

There was a body bag on the lone gurney. Ashley didn't wait for an invitation, but marched straight towards it. Trakes cautiously followed, looking as unsure as Kahlee had sounded earlier. Under any other circumstances, Ashley might've hesitated too. She was going to touch the body of what was essentially a Reaper, or at least look at it. Husks and Collectors she could handle, but this?

She glanced up at Trakes. He was on the other side of the body, staring at the zipper with a forlorn look about him. "You wanna do it?"

He looked up at her. "What? No! You're the one with Reaper shit. You do it."

Ashley sighed and shook her head. "I can't tell if you're just smarter than me or a coward."

"I like to think of it as a healthy mix of both."

She snorted as she reached for the zipper. "And yet you needed me to get here, hmm?" Trakes glared half-heartedly, but she didn't give him the chance to come up with a smart retort. She pulled the zipper down, and as soon as she saw what was underneath, she felt her gut wrench in several different directions.

"Damn," Trakes said. "Cerberus is full of sick bastards."

From the little Ashley could see, Grayson was a gaunt man. Thinly built and tall, he was almost so lean it was unhealthy. Whether that was just him or from Cerberus' experiments on him, Ashley couldn't tell. She could see the bones of his shoulders poking at taught skin, purplish lines tracing beneath partially translucent flesh. She could _see_ Cerberus' implants.

He didn't even look human anymore.

"I...wow."

Ashley couldn't take her eyes off the man. He was a gruesome sight, and further down, she could see small holes in his torso. Bullet wounds. They'd already begun healing, but the two shots in his head confirmed Anderson's word—Grayson was gone.

She thought she had it bad. And yeah, she did. Two years of brutal training to become one of Cerberus' most efficient and loyal killers. That loyal part wasn't working out for them, but regardless, it had been horrible. It had been torture in every sense of the word; "exercises" to get the Reaper implants to kick in, followed right up with more to break her.

But whatever they did to her, there was no shot in hell that it had been as potent as what they did to Grayson. He was altered on a visible level. The only way anyone would notice something was wrong with her was if she decided to do something stupid, like hurt someone in the middle of a public setting. Grayson... Ashley didn't think the man had control of himself. They destroyed the entirety of his being and left a monster behind.

It made her muscles tense. She wanted to hit something. It didn't matter who this man had been before. Nobody deserved this. One of her fists clenched and she dug her nails into the palm of her hand hard enough to draw blood.

"You said Leng was here?" she demanded.

Anderson and Kahlee were standing to the side, conversing quietly with each other, and had Ashley been less than enraged, she might've tried eavesdropping. Instead, she waited impatiently for Anderson to acknowledge the question. "Kai Leng is not—"

"Don't tell me he's not a priority. Look at what they did to Grayson! You think Cerberus is going to stop?"

"No," he said flatly. Every fiber of her being wanted to argue, but Ashley kept her mouth shut to let him finish. "But the Alliance can't spare the manpower it would take to go after Cerberus now. We need to focus on the Reapers."

"No one is going to do a damn thing about the Reapers. Doing that is going against the Council, and whether you want to admit it or not, that's a fast way to find Spectres tearing through your stuff as you bleed out on the floor. The Alliance might say they're doing something, but they're not. Wasting our time trying to convince people to prepare for the Reapers is just going to get us killed when they do get here. All we can do right now is hope whatever half-assed preparations the Alliance is going through will be enough."

Ashley took a few steps closer to Anderson and Sanders, and she heard more than saw Trakes reaching for the gun on his hip. In such a small room, he'd be dead before he even knew what happened.

"If you want to convince the Alliance that the Reapers are a real threat, let me go after Cerberus."

"I can't do that."

"You won't get the data you need to prove anything in that man's head is Reaper tech otherwise. It's not like I'm doing anything in Vancouver, and the less Cerberus troops we have to deal with later, the better."

Anderson's expression was blank, but Kahlee looked skeptical. It didn't surprise Ashley. In the last twenty-four hours, it wasn't hard for her to get a read on the ex-Alliance scientist. Apply all her past experiences with scientists, and you got a confident, borderline arrogant, skeptic. That's all a scientist ever was, if not outright cocky.

"You need that intel, Captain," she said.

After several long minutes, Anderson said, "Come with us to the Citadel. We'll present what we have to the Council, and if all else fails, you'll get your chance with Cerberus."

Coming from Anderson, that was as good as a promise.

Ashley felt a sick sense of satisfaction creep over her as she forced herself to relax. Cerberus was going to pay for what they'd done. If it was the last thing she ever did, Ashley would make sure the Illusive Man answered for all the pain he caused over the years. Hers, Grayson's, anyone he'd ordered the deaths of. That man deserved no mercy.


	58. Chapter 58

"If there's one thing I hate," Trakes started, "it's when you're right."

Ashley turned the small stone over in her hand again, stifling a soft laugh. "Yeah, me too."

For the longest of times, they simply sat in what she supposed was a friendly silence. Not because Trakes didn't want to talk, or even that she didn't, but that they were sitting in a café. He was busy chowing down on some alien mock-up of a hamburger and french fries, doing his best to occasionally draw her out of the box she'd slipped into. The last two months had been its own sort of hell, nothing like the Collector base but nothing that Ashley wanted to experience again.

Cerberus was getting worse. Between her and Trakes, they'd stopped more grotesque plots of the organization's than Ashley thought possible. A more accurate description would be she didn't expect Trakes to be capable of keeping up with her; two, three hours of sleep a night, food in the middle of the day, and nonstop work. He was tougher than she gave him credit for, and it was easy to remember he was an N7 because of it. If she didn't stop, Trakes didn't stop. They only stopped moving when he was wounded, which was, surprisingly, rare.

"You gotta tell me what's with that rock you're fingering."

She didn't look up. "It's a Hag Stone. They're supposed to keep someone from having nightmares."

Ashley felt him eyeing the side of her head, but she still focused on the rock. "Does it work?"

"No," she answered.

"Then why keep it?"

"Sarah found it when she was little," Ashley said. "I washed it off for her and she took it everywhere. After I finished basic, she gave it to me. I guess she figured that it would help me sleep at night or keep me safe." She shrugged. "I don't know. I kept it though, always stuck it somewhere before I started my day."

Trakes hesitated. "Uh...wouldn't it be ash now? Because...uh...Virmire?"

"I sent it back the first time we docked at the Citadel," she explained. "I didn't want it to get lost or damaged while I was on the _Normandy._ "

"So she sent it to you again?"

Ashley shrugged and folded her hand over it. On either side of the tiny stone were her old dog tags, scarred and burnt almost beyond recognition. She'd been given new dog tags by the Alliance a week or so after Hackett reinstated her; she was wearing them now, tucked safely under plain blue shirt. While Ashley had been glad for the new set, she still carried the old ones. It reminded her of Kaidan with his brief attempt to make her life easier.

She returned the dog tags and the stone to her jacket pocket, zipped it shut. Her eyes roamed the small, bustling café. No sign yet.

"You're the last person I'd take for sentimentality," Trakes admitted. "You or Shepard." Ashley didn't reply. "What makes a rock so special anyway? I could pick up some rock from the garden outside and say it was magic, but that wouldn't do much."

"It's the hole in it," Ashley said. "A natural hole in a stone. Like I said, they don't work. It's an old thing from Earth. I keep it because Sarah worries enough to think it might help me sleep easier."

"Another one of those old folktales," Trakes muttered wistfully.

Ashley snorted. There wasn't much she could say to that; that's exactly what it was. It was just an old superstition, but Sarah had loved it when she was a kid, and Ashley had mattered enough to her that Sarah gave it up. Thinking about it made her want to laugh. Ashley had held onto that rock like it was a lifeline when one of her squad's missions went to shit for the first time. Training be damned, watching the pirates kill her friend had been mortifying. Sarah had probably grown out of that phase, but that stupid thing still meant the world to Ash.

"You gonna eat?"

She reached over and plucked a fry from his basket. When the greasy flavor hit her tongue, she almost cringed. "How much salt did you dump on those?"

"None? Stop being weird."

"Weird is my middle name."

"Ain't that the truth."

Ashley finished munching on the overly-salty french fry rip-off, leaving herself plenty of time to recover from each bite. Trakes seemed to be fine with them, so she figured it was going to be one of those days. Then again, she knew that when she felt no inclination to eat lunch with him earlier. It had been one of those days when the Collectors boarded the _Normandy,_ and when she'd tried eating a protein bar to stop her hands from shaking, it had been so sweet she was nearly sick.

The hinges of the door creaked and her head snapped around. In strode a krogan, covered from head to toe in a combat suit, guns strapped to his back. She didn't know his name, but she knew the name of the man he worked for. He led a ring of drug traffickers on the Citadel, drug traffickers Ashley had proof were linked to Cerberus.

The bodyguard scoped the place out, glaring at each patron while they ate. Ashley was careful to divert her eyes elsewhere when he looked towards them.

"Why'd you join me, Trakes?"

He looked up from his omni-tool, stuck a hand into his jacket. "To kick ass and make sure you didn't do something stupid."

"Right," she said. She reached for the collapsed pistol in her open pocket, closed a hand around the grip as she heard the krogan approach. He pushed past tables and didn't stop for anyone he knocked to the floor. "But I'm about to do something stupid."

"Hands out where I can see 'em," the krogan ordered.

"A polite krogan?" Ashley asked, slapping on a load of sarcasm. His eyes narrowed to slits as his hands tightened around the grip of his shotgun. "That's a first. I thought all of you were self-concerned brutes with the temper of a three year old."

Behind the bodyguard, most of the patrons were eyeing the exchange suspiciously, gauging how likely the present situation was to become a bloodbath. Several had already retreated out through the front door. More were on their way. Very few were still sitting in their seats.

"Hands on the table before I snap you in half," he growled.

Ashley stood rather abruptly, knocking the chair to the floor, and landing her at face-level with the giant. While his head was at the same height as hers, his hump towered several inches further. "Bite me."

The krogan's pupils narrowed to slits. He brought his head back to smash into her face, but at the last possible second, Ashley ducked and rolled, jumping to her feet behind him. Her gun was out before he could blink. She aimed, pulled the trigger. At that range, the bullet ripped through his shields and into his knee without any effort.

That was it for the remaining patrons and employees. Several women, mostly asari, shrieked and bolted through the front door. Trakes leapt from his seat and onto one of the booths, pulling his collapsed rifle from its sling under his jacket, and pointed it at the hulking mass of pissed off krogan fighting his way back to his feet.

In a fit of anger, he swung a fist back at her. Ashley dodged to the side and crashed into a table, flipping it as she hit the floor. Trakes opened fire on the krogan's exposed head, intending to stun him again, but he was prepared for it. The krogan ducked and charged, smacking into the table Ashley was behind with enough force to make her see stars. He grabbed her by the throat, hauled her to her feet and placed her between Trakes and himself.

It was obviously his intention to crush her windpipe. Krogan tended to do that, especially if they ran on the sadistic side. Ashley had expected it. If he were human–or anything other than a krogan, really–she would've locked her legs around his neck and thrown them to the floor. Instead, she drove her elbow down into his with as much force as she could manage. The bone didn't break, but he gave, and she hit the floor. Trakes shot him point-blank in the gut as Ashley went for the pistol she'd dropped. There was a crash and Trakes was moving again, dodging chairs as the krogan threw them.

Ashley locked a hand around the weapon, spun, and pulled the trigger, placing a bullet through his hand. The shotgun dropped to the tiles. He turned and threw the chair in his opposite hand at her, but she ducked again, shot from under her arm as he charged. The bullet hit him in the gut. There was a bang as Trakes shot him in the back.

It didn't necessarily matter. Krogans could take ridiculous amounts of damage before they stopped, and once they were pissed off, little could stop them anyway. That was the problem with needing to capture one alive.

She managed to avoid getting hit by the lumbering man. Unfortunately, she didn't have the time to dodge his fist, and took the punch full-force in the shoulder. Another followed in rapid succession, but even with the numbness spreading through her left arm, she caught his meaty fist in her hand. Ashley put all of her strength into throwing his hand aside, buried her fist in the side of his face. A kick to his injured knee took him down a notch. Once he was down, she grabbed him by the back of his crested head and shoved the barrel of her pistol under his chin.

"Where's Jackson?"

The krogan spit out a mouthful of blood on her jacket. She ignored it, but pressed the gun further into his exposed flesh.

"Ash!"

His hand closed around her ankle. Without thinking, she squeezed the trigger and the dead krogan yanked her off her feet as he fell.

"That could've gone better," Trakes said as he joined her, rifle still in hand. "Got a plan now?"

Ashley pushed herself to her knees and kicked the body off her knee. "Yeah, we hope his omni-tool isn't implanted in his hand and we split before C-Sec gets here." She pulled the one ammo bag he carried off his body, took two thermal clips, and rummaged around for the card. She pulled it out with a triumphant grin and tossed Trakes one of the clips for his rifle.

"You know you wouldn't be that lucky again in a million years."

"Only need to be that lucky once," she said. After they reloaded, Ashley nodded at the door. "Let's get out of here."

* * *

Five hours later, long after the Ward's branch of C-Sec got too irritated to continue their search, Ashley and Trakes left their rented apartment to hit the foundries. This district of the Citadel had been hit the hardest by Saren and his geth, and it showed in the piles of debris no one spent the time to clean up. Buildings demolished by Council teams, supposed to be cleaned and maintained by the local government. Ashley couldn't tell if the area was so seedy that the Council didn't want to risk their people getting hurt, or if the local government just didn't care about repairing the damage.

Either way, they'd found themselves living in a crappy area for a while now. The Citadel wasn't as perfect as some people would have you believe. She'd said it before, and she'd say it again: aliens were too human to be given the benefit of the doubt. Though at this point, Ashley was figuring every species was just a bunch of assholes, humanity included. The Citadel was the melting pot for the whole mess.

"Looks like there's only a couple guards," Trakes said. "They keep recycling. I doubt they think they're going to be attacked, even with that krogan we killed."

"Lucky us," Ashley replied.

"You want to hit them now?" he asked.

"Jackson isn't sticking around much longer, so yeah."

"Okay." He sat back and passed her his binoculars, and for the sake of the moment, Ashley took them. Pressing the metal to her eyes felt wrong. She didn't need these to see a couple hundred feet; she could do that on her own. However, Trakes still found it weird when she did stuff like that, so Ashley tried to restrict herself to rarely using whatever strengths Cerberus had given her. "How do you want to do this?"

She watched the two guards meander around the warehouse's entrance for several minutes before saying, "The same way we do everything. You do what you were trained to do and I'll go be cannon fodder."

"I hate it when you say that."

Ashley scoffed and passed him his binoculars, rubbing the back of her hand across her eyes. "Ah, well...it's what I'm good at." Trakes sighed and shook his head. "How long are you going to need to get inside?"

"Depends if they have their windows trapped."

"How long?" she repeated.

"Five minutes, max."

"Good. See you—"

He reached out and caught her arm. "Hang on a second. I've spent the last couple months following you on leads across the entire galaxy, and I haven't asked who or what we're looking for. Now I get that you want to find the Illusive Man, but..." Trakes gestured to the warehouse. "How exactly is this going to find him? I'm not understanding your thought process here, Ash, and from where I'm standing, it looks like we're just trying to be a pain in Cerberus' ass."

"That's what Anderson told me to do," Ashley said, shrugging his hand off her shoulder.

"Then why the hell are we going after drug traffickers on the Citadel?"

"Because I know the guy. Just trust me, all right? He'll get us what we need." _Whether or not he does it willingly is a moot point. Bastard._

"I do trust you," Trakes said, "but I don't feel like we're getting anywhere with this. What the hell is killing a couple shits in a money stint gonna do to derail Cerberus?"

"Long story made short, it'll make the Citadel safer and get us access into Cerberus' shipping records. This isn't the little cash grab you think it is."

"Then what the fuck is it?"

She hesitated, glanced back towards the warehouse. "It'll be easier to explain once we're inside."

And before he could stop her, Ashley got to her feet and headed for the fire escape. She dropped onto the platform, climbed down the ladder, and jumped several feet to the alleyway. Her radio screeched past the interference as Trakes activated his, saying, "You want me to take out the guards?"

"Nope. Wait until I'm inside, then get 'em once I kill the guard inside."

"Copy that."

Trakes didn't sound the least bit happy, and if the man was going to start doubting what they were doing now, Ashley had half a mind to ship him back to Vancouver. At least there he'd be at the Defense Committee's beck and call, and he'd be able to–hopefully–back Shepard up when the Reapers got here. He thought this detour was pointless when in all actuality, shit was about to get real.

Ashley shoved her gloved hands into the pockets of her jacket. The Hag Stone and her old dog tags were in the pocket of her uniform pants, beneath her combat suit where they were safe from damage.

 _Time to put these assholes to the test._

"Last chance," Trakes said.

"Hold your fire."

Ashley marched up towards the building, keeping her face as blank as humanly possible. One of the guards stopped to look at her. For the longest time, he just stared as she strolled across the street. They were in an abandoned part of the Wards, so she didn't expect anyone to shoot at her, and she kept walking. Or at least, no one she couldn't already see.

Neither of them stopped her, and she let out a breath of relief. They couldn't see her face now anyway. Instead of wondering how the Illusive Man didn't update the little outpost, she headed straight for the door. There was a keypad and an ID scanner, but she punched in the base's command code and the lock changed from red to green.

 _So far so good,_ she thought.

Without pausing in her step, Ashley went for the security checkpoint. Same guard as ever. Protecting that front desk had to be boring.

"Been a while, Williams. You get a special job I didn't hear about?"

She blinked. "Alpha protocol six-seven-nine-three."

The guard sighed. "As responsive as ever." While he got up to unlock the weapons locker behind the desk, Ashley pulled her handgun from her jacket pocket and aimed at his back. She pulled the trigger and he crumpled in a spurt of blood.

She put her hand up to her ear. "I'm in."

"Copy." There was a pause before Trakes came back with, "Guards are down. See you inside."

Ashley nodded to herself and hopped the counter, moving the guard's body under his desk. Once she was satisfied, she pulled the locker open and grabbed the assault rifle from its mount. Placing it on the desk, she stripped out of the jacket and loose sweatpants hiding her hard suit. Same one Cerberus made for her, but it was blue now. Alliance blue. Ashley didn't realize how _good_ it would feel wearing Alliance colors again.

With the assault rifle clipped to her back, she pressed herself against the wall beside the doorway. She counted down security's response time. Five seconds. She heard three pairs of feet racing down the hall. Two seconds. Deep breath. The first guard came into the office, but found a bullet in the side of his head before he could so much as blink. The second didn't have the reaction time she did and took two bullets to the chest. The third barely lifted his gun before one of her shots hit him in the throat.

 _Server room,_ Ashley reminded herself as she reloaded the pistol. It was swapped for the rifle on her back, an Avenger model, but it was more effective than the Predator on her hip. Besides, she liked keeping her guns loaded with fresh clips. There were worse habits to practice.

As she advanced down the entry hallway, Ashley did a mental count of the number of guards the hideout kept in stock. Five upstairs, five downstairs, plus the two outside. She'd already killed three, so that left seven at the most, but if Leng was here, there might be a slight problem. She just hoped Trakes was ready for anyone who might be waiting for him. On the bright side, the three guys back there probably alerted the final checkpoint, and they probably alerted the guards upstairs. If anything, Ashley would have to deal with them.

Up ahead, the hallway opened into a central room and probably the place the guards were waiting for her. Recalling the layout wasn't hard, and she pulled a grenade off her belt. Inferno grenades were dangerous little balls of death for anyone within a ten foot radius. If she didn't throw it right, she'd hurt herself.

Ashley clicked the activation key and threw it at the wall, bouncing it into the next room. A half a second later, there was a bang as someone yelped in surprise. Another person screamed and the stench of fire reached her nostrils. One of them had taken to the flames; they weren't wearing hard suits.

She counted to five to make sure the commotion died down, then headed out into the room. Someone's gun fired, but the bullets bounced harmlessly off her shields. The guard ducked back into cover and she sighed. It was almost pathetic how stupid his mistake was. Ashley shot his foot, and as he fell, she shot him in the chest.

"You got five up top," Ashley said into the radio. "Unless they come after me."

"You making a mess down there?"

"Contained," she said defensively, scanning the walkways for any signs of the other guards.

"Any krogans I should worry about?"

"Not until we head for Jackson's office. He keeps two as bodyguards and we already killed the one."

"Gotcha. See you soon."

Faintly, she heard the sound of glass shattering from above. Trakes must've found a way to reach the windows. Gunfire drifted down to her, but Ashley reloaded slowly and carefully, ears straining to make sure no one was coming towards her position. She was more worried about the other krogan being sent to check out what was going on, and if need be, kill the intruders.

The only mildly surprising thing to happen was one of the guards trying to retreat, but finding himself trapped between Trakes and herself before the N7 shot him.

"Feelin' lazy?" Trakes asked, jogging down the staircase. "You could've taken him."

"It obviously wasn't a problem for you," Ashley retorted. Trakes snorted a laugh and smirked. He was eyeing the rifle she'd found; Ashley glanced down, but didn't see anything wrong. "What?"

"That gun is bigger than you are."

"Like I can help it."

"Eat more you tiny little shit. Starving yourself is unhealthy."

"I don't _need_ to. I'm as healthy as you are."

"Says who?"

"Uh, the doctors."

He scoffed. "Likely story. Now do you wanna tell me what this place is and how you know so much about it?"

"It's a Cerberus base. The boss was a handler for me before Leng got around to his weird crap. If we're going to find anything that might get us back to the Illusive Man, it'll be here."


	59. Chapter 59

In three years, a normal human being would've learned to stop questioning their superiors. And Ashley, naturally, had to do the exact opposite. Anderson had called both her and Trakes to the human embassy earlier that morning, and with all the more urgent it sounded, she wasn't surprised that they waited over an hour for him to let them inside his office.

The first thing she noticed was Ambassador Udina. Ashley had never expected to see the weasel of a man again, but there he was, whispering with Anderson while the two of them waited for him to finish.

She noted the Alliance uniform the captain was wearing. Dress blues, not the day-to-day wear she'd seen him in the last few times they talked. As a matter of fact, Ashley didn't remember seeing Anderson in an Alliance uniform since he was made humanity's councilor. Her and Trakes exchanged nervous, if not confused, glances, and reverted their attention to the two politicians.

 _Politics,_ she thought bitterly. Udina had been an ass from the beginning and screwed Shepard over so many times while they were hunting Saren. Shepard had apparently hated the man so much that he put Anderson forward as councilor to _avoid_ Udina.

"The Council has learned of the Alliance's movements against Cerberus here," Anderson said abruptly.

"That's quite the way to start a conversation," Trakes whispered.

Ashley felt a knot form in her stomach. Anxiety. It was rare she actually got anxious, but hearing about the Council catching them? Oh yeah. That'd do it. What got her, though, was the fact that they never left anything behind that would give them away. Ashley had operated on the Citadel for months without the Council catching wind of her; she knew how to stay under their radar. If there had been anything she thought Trakes might not be able to handle, she did it solo.

"How?" she asked. Her mouth had gone dry.

"Unanimous tip," Anderson said.

"So...Cerberus." _Goddamn it!_

He nodded. "That's what we were thinking. A Spectre has already been dispatched to track the tipster down, but I don't think they're going to find anything."

Silence fell over the room and Ashley's eyes drifted to Udina, standing behind Anderson's chair at an angle. He was watching her, but his eyes never met hers, and Ashley wondered what the man was up to. Why was he here?

"I'm going to take a shot in the dark and guess the Council wasn't happy," Trakes said.

"You kept collateral damage under control and killed terrorists," Anderson interrupted. "If anything, the Council was impressed."

"Impressed or not, the Alliance cannot do these things without first alerting the Council," Udina snapped.

Her skin crawled at the sound of his voice. There wasn't anything wrong with it. It was just the fact that she could _not_ stand the man. Ashley hadn't been there for Udina to stab Shepard in the back and put the original _Normandy_ on lockdown, but she knew the type of man he was. If it would further his career, Udina would be all over it. He didn't care about the bigger picture.

Anderson ignored the man's interjection to continue with, "Needless to say, the Council has demanded we stop your movements against Cerberus until the Alliance goes through the proper channels." Ashley started to protest. Her and Trakes had impressed the Council, and this was what they got? They were killing pro-human terrorists! Cerberus stood for everything the Council claimed to be against!

He cut her off with a stern look, and Ashley looked down at her feet, nodding slightly before looking back up. "Humanity has gotten off easy with this one. The Council doesn't tolerate any fighting from any species' military. In light of recent events, however, they're feeling charitable for cleaning up their streets."

"Charitable," Ashley scoffed under her breath.

"Did you say something, Williams?"

"No, sir," she said.

Anderson knew she'd said something; Ashley could tell by the look on his face, but if he wasn't going to comment, she wouldn't tell him to. "With operations against Cerberus suspended, the Alliance has requested you both return to Earth with me. Ambassador Udina will be taking over as humanity's councilor."

Ashley didn't even try to hide her groan of disgust. Trakes coughed, but to cover up his laugh.

"So the Alliance is afraid to do what's right," she said. "Again."

"The Alliance has a better grasp of how things work with the Council than you do," Anderson retorted. "And as much as I would rather leave you both here to ignore the Council, I can't do that."

"There is, however," Udina started, "another option. One that might please all parties involved."

Anderson turned his gaze on the ambassador, but looked away with a sigh and a shake of his head. That piqued Ashley's interest. Her and Trakes hadn't made as much progress as she would have liked lately, and she hated being transferred from something so promising. All they needed was a little more time. They were so goddamn close to tracking Kai Leng down. If anyone would be getting them a shot at the Illusive Man, it would be that rat bastard.

"If I were to put one of your names forward for the Spectres, you would stay behind for evaluations and—"

"And to get fucked over by the Council, right?"

"That's _enough,_ Commander," Anderson said. Ashley bit her tongue to stop a torrent of irritated responses. She wasn't racist, but if there were _any_ aliens she hated on principle, it was the Council. They were just more versions of Udina. The idea of taking orders from them made her sick to her stomach. "Udina is making a serious offer. Spectres are tasked with protecting the galaxy, and the only way either of you are staying to look for Cerberus operatives is by joining them."

She felt Trakes glance at the side of her head, but Ashley didn't acknowledge him. Udina was staring at her again and she wasn't dropping the glare. So _that's_ what this was about.

"All due respect, sir, but I couldn't have done any of what we accomplished without my hand being held," Trakes said. "Not as painlessly, at least." He paused. Ashley heard his shoulders move in a shrug. "My pay grade is high enough as it is."

"And you?" Udina said.

"No," Ashley snapped.

"That's not much of a reason," he added.

She wouldn't take the bait. " _No,_ " Ashley repeated, more forcefully. "I don't need a reason to not want to do it."

Something flickered across Udina's face. Disappointment? Anger? That left Ashley more confused than anything, but at least she irritated him. It was petty, wanting to annoy the ambassador just because she didn't like him, but satisfying all the same.

"Are you sure?" Anderson asked.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

She assumed he looked at Trakes because he said, "I go where my commanding officer goes, sir."

 _Back to Earth, then._

* * *

Civilian transports always felt...wrong. Too calm, too quiet. She didn't like having an armed guard aboard such a small craft. It was little more than a shuttle. A civilian shuttle, so it was much larger than what sat in the _Normandy_ _'s_ cargo bay, but that didn't mean it was large by any stretch of the imagination. The sleeping quarters were bunks set into the walls with a walkway big enough for one human to fit through.

Ashley hated it. She felt trapped. If she wasn't tired, she would have left the tiny room for the central area of the ship. Out there was space. She needed space, but if she couldn't handle being uncomfortable, then what place did she even have in the military?

 _Hate heights, hate tight spaces._ Hitting Earth's atmosphere should be fun.

She was just glad Trakes had taken the bottom bunk when she asked. There was more room up here than down there, but she imagined it didn't actually do much for her. Breathing was still annoyingly difficult and her throat still burned. Every beat of her heart vibrated in her skull. Her muscles itched.

Ashley reached up and braced her hands on the ceiling, trying to get it through her head that she was fine with the room she had. Her arms were fully stretched out and barely had the reach for her to place her palms on the cool metal. Deep breaths. Her hands were shaking. Looking at them didn't help to calm her down, but there wasn't anywhere else to look.

Eventually her heart stopped racing and she felt comfortable enough to let her arms fall back to her sides, but she rolled over to face the path anyway. The air she breathed felt colder, cleaner, fresh even. It was the same filtered, recycled oxygen they'd been breathing for the last eight hours, but it wasn't the air stuffed between her back and the wall. At least this way she would have something new to stare at, though it quickly became as repetitive and boring as staring at the other side.

Staring at the empty bunk across from her didn't help for long, and Ashley rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling. It was uniform gray. Everything on this damn ship was gray. Walls, floors, tabletops, countertops, the small fridge stocked with drinks. Even her damn blanket was gray. Ashley was sick of the color. The _Normandy_ was a warship and she managed to have _some_ variation to the stock gray all ships were. But this transport? No. Same shade of gray everywhere.

Or maybe she needed to try sleeping again. Having successfully stifled the mild anxiety attack, Ashley was left exhausted, and rolling over again filled her lungs with the cooler air circulating throughout the shuttle. Ashley folded her arms over her chest and pushed herself back against the wall with a foot. The cold metal against her neck and shoulders was surprisingly relaxing, and drifting off wasn't too hard. It was staying asleep that was the problem, or staying out long enough to start dreaming.

Whenever she got close, there was a subtle whisper at the back of her mind. It begged for attention and fled when it got it. All it did was annoy her, keep her from getting the rest she wanted. Some days, Ashley hated her life more than others. Today was one of those days. Everything had been so blessedly peaceful for the longest of times; Ashley didn't know why she had expected it to last. The voices were creeping back, singing and whispering just out of reach, but too loud for her to completely ignore.

At this point, she wasn't sure if she was actually hearing the Reapers or if she was just insane. She knew it was the Reapers trying to catch her off-guard, but she could hope. Insanity seemed like a haven compared to the shit she dealt with.

An alarm went off over the intercom and she felt more than heard Trakes smack his head off the bottom of her bunk. He was cursing by the time she dropped to the floor below, peeking down at him with a raised brow.

"Not a morning person?"

"You'd think you would know that by now," Trakes grumbled. "What time is it anyway?'

Ashley craned her head back. "Two."

He groaned. "What the hell is going on? Where's Anderson?"

She looked towards the captain– _admiral's_ –bunk, but he was nowhere to be seen. Not until she looked down the hallway, spotting him working his way towards them. The few other passengers were slowly clambering from their beds, confused and half-asleep, and Anderson was evidently having a hard time getting through the crowd.

"Down there," Ashley said, nodding.

Trakes leaned around the edge of his bed, holding a hand to his forehead. "Damn, that smarts."

"I have painkillers if—"

"Why do you carry painkillers?"

"Headaches, remember?" She tapped her temple as she straightened, consciously resisting the urge to snap to attention when Anderson finally reached them. "Something wrong?"

"No," he answered, reaching into the storage compartment beneath his bed. "We're docking. Grab your gear and meet me at the airlock." Anderson grabbed a duffel bag and left just as quickly as he came, leaving Ashley and Trakes there, confused.

"Something is definitely wrong," Trakes decided aloud.

"Yeah," she agreed. For a moment, they just remained where they were, watching the admiral's rapidly disappearing back until he was gone. Once Ashley couldn't see him any longer, she went for her bag as well, and her backpack. All that was in the duffel bag was her hard suit; everything else was in her backpack, or on her right now. She didn't exactly own much of anything.

"Come on."

Trakes led her after the admiral, weaving his way expertly through the crowded hallway. Ashley's skin crawled when someone bumped her; she swallowed and kept her head down, focusing on Trakes' boots to get them through the tangle of people. Luckily, the hallway was short and they were clear of the crowd within seconds.

Navigating the small ship was easy; all it was was a room for board, plus a room for sitting with the other passengers. Aside from that, it was just the cockpit and the engine room, and both of those weren't even half the size of the lobby.

Anderson was waiting for them in the promised spot, a little off to the side from the airlock. Trakes threw his bag next to the admiral's, but Ashley just tightened her grip on hers.

"There a reason we didn't just get put on an Alliance station?" Trakes demanded abruptly.

Ashley didn't say anything. She just watched Anderson's expression change with each thought that crossed his mind.

"Something's come up on our long range sensors," he said.

Her stomach dropped.

"The Defense Committee wants any Alliance personnel that served with Commander Shepard on-site."

"Just in case, right?" Ashley said. Anderson must've missed the sarcasm; he actually looked surprised when she added, "Just in case they should've listened the first time he said anything."

After a moment, Anderson nodded. "Just in case," he agreed.

"What do they think we can do about it?" Trakes said. "Apologize for not starting a cult that would've pushed the Alliance to prepare?" That caught both her and Anderson off-guard. Trakes was a nice guy, if a little cocky, but he never directly said anything bad about the Alliance. Typically, Ashley did enough of that for the both of them. Trakes caught onto it pretty fast, because he said, "Don't they know there's nothing we can do?"

"There's always something we can do," Anderson retorted. "Doing nothing is never an option."

"Fighting back isn't gonna do much either," Ashley said.

Trakes ignored her. "Then why didn't the Committee do something after Sovereign assaulted the Citadel? The Alliance saw first-hand what Reapers could do. If anything, the Alliance should've done something about the possibility that Shepard was right. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be prepared for nothing than have a war looming overhead with no idea what to do."

"It would be going directly against the Council's orders," she snapped.

"And humanity is on thin enough ice as it is," Anderson explained.

"So...what? We just let the Reapers slaughter us?"

Ashley sighed and looked over her shoulder, back towards the crowded hallway of bickering passengers. Soon enough, an overcrowded shuttle was going to be the least of their worries. "It's all we can do."

Trakes snorted. "I'm not about to lay down and die to make their lives easier."

"A lot of people are going to die doing just that."


	60. Chapter 60

After the last fifteen minutes, Ashley wasn't sure who she hated talking to more—the Council or the Defense Committee. Neither listened to anything someone had to say. It was like beating your head against a wall. Fortunately enough, Kaidan seemed to be just as irritated as she was, if more muted about it.

"They don't listen."

"They're just scared," Alenko shot back. "What would you do in their position?"

Ashley spread her hands helplessly as they returned to Trakes, who was waiting for them both near a television. The N7 was watching the broadcast, barely sparing them any attention. "I wouldn't have sat on my ass for the last three years, that's for damn sure."

"They did what they could," Kaidan retorted.

"As little as it was," Trakes chimed in.

"To be fair, I don't think there's much you _can_ do to prepare for something like this," she said.

Kaidan fixed her with a stare, then shrugged. "The fleets were mobilized last night."

"At least it's something."

"For whatever good it'll do," Ashley muttered.

For several long minutes, the three of them were dead quiet, watching the screen as a reporter rambled on about the sudden mobilization the Alliance was enacting. Command hadn't released anything to their own troops, let alone the general public. Hardly anyone knew what was going on, and anyone that did didn't want to share. All anyone knew was that they needed to be combat-ready in an hour after receiving their notice.

Kaidan elbowed her and nodded down the room before marching off to greet Anderson.

"You ready for this?" Trakes asked, drawing her attention back to himself.

"About as ready for it as a turian is to swim."

He smirked as he relaxed a bit, dropping his crossed arms to his sides. Ashley eyed the N7 logo stamped onto his blue chest plate; it was still hard to grasp that Trakes was special forces. Not because he didn't live up to the designation, but because it was so unexpected. He'd done exactly what Command had ordered him to do, and he did it so flawlessly that he ended up invested in hunting the Collectors. She still had her suspicions about him, but she didn't doubt his loyalty. Trakes might be annoying, but he had her back every time it came to question. He was a good friend.

"I hate it when you do that."

Ashley blinked and forced her eyes elsewhere. "Huh?"

"That staring thing. It's creepy. Knock it off."

"Sorry," she said absentmindedly, looking back for Kaidan. Instead, she locked gazes with Commander Shepard. It had been so damn long since they'd even looked at each other and seeing him again nearly made her grin. The corner of his mouth was turned up in a smirk as he marched past with Anderson, and it was all she could do to nod.

Once he was gone, Ashley sucked in a breath and forced her thoughts elsewhere. Of course they'd bring him in. He was the only soldier the Alliance had that knew anything about the Reapers and he was the only reason the Committee had brought the three of them in. Her, Alenko, Trakes, whatever they knew about the Reapers they knew from serving with Shepard. Except her. She had her own problems, but nothing she'd told them varied from what Kaidan said.

Do they have weaknesses? _Nope._ How do they travel? _Same way we do._ Do they have flight patterns? _Yeah, don't fly into each other._ Ashley couldn't just tell them anything they wanted to know. She needed time, and she needed to _concentrate,_ something they couldn't afford to wait for right now.

"You all right?" Kaidan.

Ashley blinked again, but nodded. "Yeah, fine. Just...thinking."

Behind him was another marine, same height as Alenko, but broader...and covered in muscles. He looked like he could snap someone's neck without breaking a sweat. But just because he looked like he could didn't mean he'd be the kind of guy to do it. He looked more like a guy who'd give you a hug before breaking your neck.

He cleared his throat and Trakes drove his elbow into her ribs. Ashley jumped, smacked the back of her hand off his arm.

"Don't worry about Ash. She's a little strange," Trakes said.

She glared, but the man laughed. "It's all right. I'm used to being stared at by the ladies." He grinned at her and she resisted the urge to sigh. He was one of _those_ people. Great. "See something you like?"

"About thirty seconds ago, headed in the other direction."

Kaidan snorted and Trakes whistled, but the marine didn't catch it. Before she could continue with something even dumber, Trakes stuck his hand out and said, "Solomen Trakes."

They clasped hands. "N7? Nice. James Vega."

"Good to meet you, Vega."

"You too, sir." His eyes drifted back to her, probably expecting another introduction, but Ashley reverted her gaze to Kaidan's, arching her brows.

"We should go," he said, nodding towards the doors again.

She fell in beside him, jogging at first to match his longer strides. "Now you're starting to sound like Shepard." Kaidan's mouth flattened into a line and Ashley sighed, rolling her eyes. "Still bitter about the whole Cerberus thing, hmm?"

"You would be too," he retorted.

"You're an idiot sometimes."

"I'm an idiot...for being reluctant to trust someone who worked with Cerberus?"

"Yeah, you're an idiot. He left Cerberus while you were on the damn ship and you're still whining about it like a kid."

"When did you get so defensive?"

"When did you become such an ass?"

Kaidan just shook his head and looked away, marching for the elevator down the hall. Ashley stuck to his side regardless of the small argument, and she heard Trakes and Vega follow. Most of the personnel had long since filed to their respective stations to get to work. It felt odd not having a job, wandering aimlessly at Alenko's whim, but it was better than sitting around waiting for something to happen.

"How can you trust him?"

Ashley shot him a sideways look. "You know him better than I do, believe it or not. How can't you?"

Kaidan raised a brow in her direction, and somehow, he managed to make it look sarcastic. She never understood how he did that. "I'd think you of all people would agree with me, or understand where I'm coming from at the very least."

"You trust me, right?"

After a moment, he nodded. "Yeah."

"Shepard was brought back because of who he was. I was brought back to kill people. If you can get past that, you can get past whatever it is about the Commander that's pissing you off."

"It's different. You didn't have a choice."

"And he did?"

Kaidan chose not to respond again, so Ashley sighed and looked away, watching the various rooms they passed with a disinterested stare. Most of the doors were closed, but those that weren't were filled with desk jockeys typing away furiously on their monitors, speaking in panicked, hushed tones. Tension poured out of the offices, so thick and heavy that Ashley almost thought she could reach out to touch it. On a day like today, Ash would've thought she'd be in a similar state as the rest of the Alliance. Oddly enough, if she felt anything, it was peace.

She didn't like that. No voices since getting up, no headache, no temporary blindness like most mornings. Granted, she'd been woken up rather abruptly to meet with the Defense Committee, but it was almost noon and she still felt perfectly fine. It made her skin crawl.

"It just me or does everything feel really...off?" Vega asked as they made their way towards an elevator.

"It's not just you, Lieutenant," Alenko said.

"Too quiet," Trakes added. "You'd think it would still be busy as hell."

Ashley jammed her finger into the button to take them down to the garage. "Everyone has their assignments. There's no need for them to be running around in a confused panic."

The screen next to the keypad flashed as it powered on. "This elevator is out of service. Please proceed to the nearest stairwell."

"What the hell do you mean it's out of service?"

"This elevator is out of service," the VI repeated. "Please proceed to—"

There was a crash, followed by screams, and the screen flickered before shutting down. The building shook. Behind them, glass shattered and a fighter slammed through a wall. The smoking hole it left caught fire as the ceiling collapsed.

"Holy shit!"

Cracks splintered across the floor above their heads as the plaster threatened to fall. Kaidan noticed it almost the same moment Ashley did, pushing her shoulder to propel her down another corridor. None of them stuck around long enough to see the ceiling come down, but they felt it as the floor trembled.

"We need to get outside!" Kaidan shouted. He was somewhere behind her; Ashley didn't know how far back exactly, but she slowed her pace so they could keep up.

Using her momentum to swing herself around a corner, Ashley practically slid to a stop when she saw the looming ships dropping into the city. Entire buildings were decimated within seconds. Fires were already breaking out. In the streets, Reaper troops chased civilians down as they ran. Shot them in the back.

Kaidan joined her at the window. Neither of them looked at each other, but Ashley said, "Thirty seconds. This is what they do in thirty seconds."

"We can't stick around," he said. Kaidan started to add something, but another Reaper crashed to the ground. It rocked the building to its very core, causing panelling to fall from the ceiling and the windows to shatter on impact. Ashley had to reach out to catch a support to keep from falling thirty yards to the ground below, latching her other hand around Kaidan's shoulder to keep him from doing the same. Trakes pulled them both back inside as debris fell from a higher floor.

Ashley ran her hands through her hair as she sucked in a breath. The idea of dying didn't scare her, never had, but the idea of crushing her bones off the concrete below wasn't very thrilling. It made her sick just thinking about it.

"I don't think we're taking any elevators," Trakes said.

"How fast can you guys run down nine flights of stairs?" Vega asked.

Kaidan had stepped away to whisper over his radio, so Ashley fixed the man– _Lieutenant,_ she reminded herself–with a challenging stare. "Faster than you."

"Come on," Kaidan interrupted, walking past for the stairwell. "Anderson's headed to the _Normandy._ We're going to meet him there."

Ashley knew better than to say anything. Bringing Shepard up again would probably piss Kaidan off, but she did it anyway. "Shepard's with him?"

One word answer. "Yeah."

Trakes glanced at her as Alenko stormed off, brows furrowed in concern, but Ashley shook her head and followed him. A few seconds later, Trakes and Vega brought up the rear. Kaidan kicked the door in and watched it clatter down the staircase before making his way further down the building.

The sounds of gunfire drifted up from various floors, but none of them stopped to check it out. Ashley kept herself focused on Kaidan's back as he led them to ground level, fighting to ignore everything little tremor the building gave. The Alliance had some of the best architects humanity could offer, but there was little a man could do against a Reaper. Their lasers alone could blast through most organic-made material; humans had stuck with the same construction materials for the last two centuries, and dropping a massive dreadnought class Reaper on it was sure to destroy the structure.

"Hold up," Kaidan ordered as they slowed to a walk. He crept towards the door leading into the lobby and waved Ashley after him, pressing himself against the wall across from her. "You hear anything?"

 _Screaming, whispering, moans of pain, and anything and everything in between._

Ashley didn't voice her thoughts, but nodded. "They're out there."

"Reapers?" Vega whispered.

"Reaper troops," Ashley replied. She strained her ears, but all she heard from the opposite room was shuffling feet. They'd cleared the marines out already. _Ruthlessly efficient,_ she thought bitterly. "Sounds like husks. Not many."

Kaidan peeked into the lobby from the small window cut into the door. It was shattered. "There's a body a few feet away, marine. On the left by the desk. His gun is still near him. Someone's going to have to grab it. I'll cover you from here with my biotics."

Vega inched closer, close enough Ashley could smell his cologne. "Sounds easy enough. I volunteer."

Ashley grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back. "Not so fast. I'll do it."

He started to protest, but Trakes said, "Just let her do it, man."

"Unless I'm about to be killed, _don't_ do anything, all right?"

Kaidan grunted, but nodded. As she reached for the door handle, he caught her arm and gave her a serious look. "Don't do anything reckless."

Ashley scoffed and forced a smirk. "Please. It's not a good day until I've done something _really_ stupid."

"I'm not carrying you out of here," Kaidan snapped, tone just as serious as before. "That's an _order._ "

"Ruining my fun," she grumbled half-heartedly. "All right, fine. I'll be careful."

"Glad to hear it."

Ashley shook off his hand and squeezed through a tiny crack in the doorway, making sure it closed behind her. Her guess had been correct; the lobby was being patrolled by shambling husks and more of those mutated ones. They looked different than she remembered, had guns of some sort surgically attached to their arms.

To her right, Ashley could see further out into the city. Less than ten minutes and it was already chaos. Bodies littered the street, military and civilian alike. The sight made her stomach twist into knots.

 _Deep breaths. Focus focus focus focus._

She reverted her attention to spotting the gun Kaidan had sent her out to find. It was only a couple feet away, sitting in a pool of blood by a dead marine. Husks tripped over his outstretched legs.

It was only a pistol, but Ashley honestly hadn't been expecting a rifle. With how fast the Reapers struck, she imagined he barely had time to grab the sidearm before he was killed. It was better than nothing, and creeping over towards it was easier than she imagined.

That is, until she felt something solid smack into her shoulders. The force of the impact knocked her forward and to the floor, dropping her on the soldier's bloodied corpse. Ashley barely had the chance to thank God for her shields before the source of the blast was launched overhead. The mutated thing slammed headfirst into the wall. Its broken body crumpled to the floor as more like it rushed into the lobby, hunting for the source of the noise.

Ashley shoved herself to her feet and locked a hand around the pistol's grip. Weapon in hand, she hauled herself over the desk to drop into cover. Not a second later, red blasts splattered the wall in front of her.

Kaidan slid behind the desk shortly thereafter. "I thought I told you not to do anything stupid."

"Usually that works!" she retorted defensively. Ashley hit the release on the pistol's chamber and checked that it was a new clip before standing to return fire. Kaidan launched a pair of husks into the ceiling and they both ducked back down. "This is not a good place to get bogged down, _Major._ "

"Well, _Commander,_ if you have any ideas, I'm open to suggestions."

Ashley stood to shoot one of the monsters, but instead, found it...draining one of the husks Kaidan had killed. _Cannibals._ She dropped into cover again as her mind raced, then jerked a thumb over her shoulder. "Throw the desk."

"Cover me."

She nodded and he leapt to his feet, a purplish-blue glow beginning to emanate from his hands. One of the cannibals started to shoot, but Ashley got up and put a bullet through its brain. The desk flew across the room, bouncing and rolling over various Reaper troops, crushing them. She could hear bones break and see gore as it splattered across the floor. Not a pretty sight.

While Kaidan went to check on Trakes and Vega, Ashley went through the lobby and shot anything still breathing. Needless to say, not much was still alive. Once that was over with, Alenko waved her after them as they picked their way through the shattered glass doors. Ashley stepped past a husk and out into the courtyard with the three guys, jogging down the front steps to come to a stop beside Kaidan.

"We need to find the truck," he decided.

"Good plan," Ashley agreed.

"You remember where we parked?"

She scoffed. "Of course I do. Follow me."

Ashley started her way across the concrete, headed directly for what had been a firefight before. Human guns were littered across the ground amongst pools of blood, but a large portion of the marines were gone. Few of their bodies were left with their weapons.

"They're already making husks," Kaidan said.

"It's what the Reapers do."

Somewhere in the city, she heard one of the ships fire at a building. Even from here, she could see the tower begin to collapse. A sense of dread washed over her, and suddenly, Ashley didn't feel like taking these guns was the right thing to do. They needed rifles until they could get back to the truck, but taking them felt disrespectful.

Kaidan didn't seem to care. Or maybe he did, and he was just so focused on getting to the _Normandy_ that he didn't let it stop him. Ashley sincerely hoped it was the latter, though she doubted it was the former. It wasn't like Kaidan to just not care. He wasn't that kind of person.

He threw her an assault rifle, Avenger model, and started barking orders. Form up, take point, things like that. Ashley was glad she wasn't in charge. As a matter of fact, she was glad she hadn't been in charge of anything since Eden Prime. Nothing that might risk her shooting the others.

Once the four of them had searched the remaining bodies for thermal clips, Ashley did exactly as she was told to—she got them back to the truck they'd taken to get here. Thankfully, most of the ground forces had cleared out, though that unfortunately meant the Reapers had already moved on to better targets. Behind them, Ashley suspected the base was being overrun. Whatever resistance the Alliance had managed to put up had done nothing to hold the Reapers off.

They piled into the vehicle, Trakes and Vega in the back with her and Kaidan in the front. Ash could drive, but it was smarter that she let Alenko take the wheel. He knew where the _Normandy_ was, at the very least, and she didn't. Instead, she occupied herself with trying to contact the ship in the first place.

After several long seconds of radio silence, a voice came back. "Who the hell is this? You're on a restricted Alliance channel in the middle of a crisis!"

She didn't recognize the voice. If anything, she'd expected EDI to answer her, not...whoever this was. Had the Alliance shut her down?

"Lieutenant-Commander Ashley Williams. To whom am I speaking?"

"Oh. Uh...s-sorry, ma'am. Comm Specialist Samantha Traynor."

"Are you on the _Normandy,_ Traynor?"

"Y-yes," she stuttered. "We don't have much of a crew, ma'am, but—"

"Do you have a pilot?" Ashley interrupted.

"Yes, we do."

"Have your pilot begin preflight checks. We're headed your way now." She waited several seconds, ears straining over the static and sounds of fighting coming from the city to listen for a response. "Traynor? Traynor! Goddammit. Radio's dead."

"Pulling rank now, huh?" Trakes asked, smirking.

Ashley rolled her eyes and ignored him. "How long until we get there?"

"Another minute, two tops. The landing zone isn't far."

Kaidan turned them down another street, but it was in utter disarray. Civilian and military vehicles alike scattered the road, guns firing from the harbor and buildings at Reapers chasing down unarmed humans.

"What the fuck is that?" Vega demanded, squeezing his way between the front seats to stare out the dashboard.

Whatever it was, it was massive. The thing flipped cars like a person would flip pancakes. Several marines ended up in the water as it flung them around effortlessly.

"Run it over!" Trakes said.

Ashley didn't even have the chance to say how bad of an idea that was. Thankfully, she didn't need to because as it got closer, Kaidan swerved to avoid it. Unfortunately for them, it was faster than it looked. A meaty fist slammed into the passenger side of the truck, shattering the windows and launching the vehicle several feet into the air as it arced. It hit the ground upside-down; Ashley fell and hit what was now the floor with a groan.

"And that's why we wear seatbelts," Trakes said, a bit too cheerfully given their present situation. "Why is it every time I'm in a car with you, it crashes?"

"Because every time you've been in a car with me, we were in a combat zone," she snapped.

"That thing's getting closer!" James exclaimed.

"Everybody out," Kaidan ordered.

Trakes slid her backpack to the front of the truck before clambering out. Ashley had to kick her door off its hinges, smashed as it was, so she could get out of the damaged vehicle. Before following Kaidan and the others, she grabbed her rifle and stuck it on her back. Her backpack fit over it neatly, and then they were running again. At this point, Ashley seriously doubted they were going to make it off this damn street. Ten seconds and her shields were already gone.

Then again, she doubted many people would be making it off Earth in the first place.


	61. Chapter 61

**A/N** **: Just wanted to let you guys know that the rating went up from T to M. The violence is getting more graphic than I expected it to (given this was originally supposed to just be snippets of Shepard and Ashley's interactions on the _Normandy_ ) and the language is getting a little out of hand (sorry, not sorry :P). **

**Thank you all for being such amazing readers! Here's the first Shepard chapter of ME3!**

* * *

The cargo bay closed and bathed them in semi-darkness. Shepard's eyes strained to readjust to the lighting, but it didn't matter. Even though the _Normandy_ was quiet, it didn't feel safe. Nowhere was safe. Not anymore.

Shepard bit his tongue and swallowed, clenching his fist around the dog tags Anderson had thrown him only a few moments ago. Reinstated for active duty, given his ship. God, nothing had been as relieving as seeing the _Normandy_ descend for their extraction. Shepard had been sure they were going to die down at that beacon, but he'd been proven wrong, only for Anderson to order him to go to the Citadel.

Anderson stayed behind. If he died, it would be another life on Shepard's hands, and he wasn't sure he would be able to stand it after leaving.

With a defeated sigh, he turned and marched back into the ship's cargo hold, throwing his assault rifle down with the rest of them.

"What the hell's going on?" James demanded, storming after him. "Where's Anderson? Where we going? Hey!"

Shepard did his best to ignore the tirade of questions. He didn't have the energy to get into an argument now. He said, "We're leaving." A short, straight-to-the-point answer. He figured it would shut Vega up, but apparently not.

"Leaving?" he repeated, incredulous.

"What's going on?"

That was Kaidan, who was presently doing something with his gun. The man had several scratches on his face, centered mostly around his cheekbones and forehead, but looked no worse for the wear. Vega was injured similarly.

Shepard made his way over to the open console, intending to report to Hackett, or see if the admiral was still even alive. Reporting in to Anderson wasn't going to be an option. "Anderson wants us to go to the Citadel, get help for the fight." He turned back to the console, but James wasn't letting it go so easily.

"Bullshit. He wouldn't order us to leave."

"We don't have a choice," Shepard snarled. "Without help, this war's already over."

Vega waved his hand in a snappish motion and shook his head angrily. "Forget it! Drop me off someplace—"

"Enough!" he snapped. "Don't you think I'd rather stay and fight?" Vega just stared at him, fuming. "We're going to the Citadel. You want out, you can catch a ride back from there."

Vega groaned in disgust and stormed off, leaving Shepard to his work. The Commander barely had the frequency punched in when he was interrupted _again._

"Commander." It was Joker's voice, broadcasted over the intercom. He sounded as relieved as Shepard had felt earlier, but his own relief had been replaced by exhaustion. Today had been hell.

"That you, Joker?" It was probably stupid to ask, but he couldn't help it. He needed reassurance that the rest of today wasn't going to be as shitty as it started.

"Alive and kicking," the pilot reported. "Got an emergency transmission from Admiral Hackett for you."

 _Makes my life easier,_ Shepard decided. "Patch it through."

The screen fizzled to life, but fizzled was a stretch. Making Hackett's face out at all was difficult, let alone hearing what was said over the static. It cut out several times. "Shepard—" It was unintelligible for a moment. "...sustained heavy losses." The lag made him want to scream; this was important, and it couldn't work? It didn't surprise him in the least, but it didn't help him calm down any. "...force was overwhelming. There's no way we can defeat them conventionally."

"Anderson's already ordered me to the Citadel to talk to the Council," Shepard reported.

"First, I need you..." Another break from the static and lag. "—iance outpost on Mars." _Mars?_ he wondered. "—ore we lose control of the system."

Shepard knew better than to ask why they were being sent there. He raised his arm in a salute, saying, "Yes, sir."

The screen went black entirely, but Hackett's voice still broke through. "...been researching the Prothean Archives with Dr. T'Soni." Shepard could barely make out what was said afterwards, but what he managed to catch made his gut lurch and his throat tighten. "...found a way to stop the Reapers...only way to stop them."

"You got it, sir."

"...in contact soon. Hackett out."

The static ceased to drown the rest of the bay out and Shepard cut the connection. "Joker, set a course for the Mars Archives."

"Mars?" He sounded confused, but the shuttle started lowering for flight checks. "Roger that, Commander."

Shepard turned back to Kaidan and James, the latter of whom was pacing back and forth to take his mind off what had happened. As he did, the elevator doors opened and Ashley exited with Trakes on her heels. His heart skipped a beat at the sight of her; covered in dirt and blood, a disheveled mess similar to the rest of them.

He swallowed and switched gazes to Alenko, then walked past for the set of armor laid out on a workbench. A N7 designation was plastered to the chest plate.

"This is loco!" James protested.

"What does he think we're going to find on Mars?" Kaidan asked.

"Mars? Why are we going to Mars? The fight's here," Ashley said.

"Hackett believes something's there that will end this war," Shepard said quickly. "We're going to the Citadel afterwards to get help from the Council."

"The Council?" Ashley scoffed. "They're not going to help us. They never do."

"I'm inclined to agree with Ash on this one," Kaidan said.

"Be that as it may," Shepard started, "we have our orders. We're going to Mars."

Ashley snorted. "Why are our orders always crap with you on board, Alenko?"

Something about that brought a smile to Shepard's lips as their bickering started. It was so painfully familiar that it made him wonder how he was ever capable of choosing between them on Virmire. He loved Ashley, there wasn't any denying it at this point, but Kaidan was one of his closest friends. He'd never faced a harder decision in his entire life.

He just hoped it would stay that way.

* * *

"I've been trying to raise Mars on secure channels," Joker reported. "No one's answering."

Twenty minutes after lifting off from Vancouver, the _Normandy_ SR-2 was now in orbit over Mars, one of the first planets humanity had colonized back in the earlier days of spaceflight. With the shuttle prepped for departure, Shepard had piled his team into the craft once the pilot had given the all-clear, and the five of them were now headed down to the surface of the tiny red planet.

Shepard walked up behind James, who was piloting the shuttle, to check the comm channels.

"Any sign of Reaper activity?" he asked.

"Negative," Joker answered.

He nodded to himself. That wasn't going to last, so they had to act quickly. "EDI? What's happening down there?"

"The base appears to be online," the AI said. "It's possible the inhabitants were evacuated."

"We'll know soon enough. Be ready, Joker... Just in case."

"Roger that," he replied. " _Normandy_ out."

Shepard returned to the body of the Kodiak class Alliance shuttle, eyeing the three marines there with him. Kaidan was watching him expectantly, surprisingly enough. Trakes was fiddling with his rifle as usual, and Ashley was staring at the floor, thumbing some sort of necklace.

"You okay?"

Her head snapped up and she forced a smile. "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Just thinking about Earth, y'know? About my family."

"I'm sure they're all right," Shepard said.

Ashley just nodded and hid the necklace away in an ammo bag on her hip, getting to her feet. The helmet went on a few seconds later, signifying the end of the conversation, and Shepard sighed. He didn't expect her to want to talk; after all, neither did he, and he didn't have to worry about an entire family being safe. It did leave him wondering about his mom, but the thought was quickly pushed from his mind. There were more important things to worry about at the moment.

"Set us down outside the complex," he ordered Vega.

"On it."

Once Shepard had put on his own helmet, the rest of them decided it was a good time to do the same. His display flared to life, measuring his shields and his oxygen levels, and transmitting the shield levels of his party members.

"Still no contact from the base," James said as the shuttle touched down. "We've got a massive storm headed our way, though."

"How massive is massive?" Trakes asked.

"Uh...massive," Vega said.

Shepard ignored the banter. "How long until it hits?"

"Half an hour, tops," he said. "After that, we're going to have difficulty keeping up comms with the _Normandy._ "

"Nothing new there," Ashley muttered.

"Understood," he said. "Let's get moving."

"Aye aye," Kaidan said as he hit the release for the shuttle door.

Oddly enough, there wasn't any difficulty for the five of them to adopt the usual squad formation. Ashley ended up on his right and Kaidan to his left, back a few steps to allow him to take point. Once again, eerily familiar. It was like neither of them had ever left his side, and while Shepard knew better, he allowed the feeling of contentment to wash over him for the briefest of moments. Forgetting Ashley's death, his own death, and Alenko's fight, Shepard could've believed their hunt for Saren had led them to Mars...if he wasn't constantly being reminded of the Reaper invasion.

Guilt quickly overshadowed the satisfied haze he'd adopted. That boy had every right to make it out of Vancouver. Seven year olds shouldn't be casualties of war.

To distract himself from his unpleasant thoughts, Shepard honed in on the sound of Ashley's voice, shooting something half-sarcastic back at a comment Vega had made about the storm. Trakes jumped to Vega's defense rather quickly, and it didn't take much more than that for Shepard to know James and the other N7 would be more annoying than Ashley and Garrus used to be.

"Shepard, I'm picking up heat sigs on my radar."

"You have a radar?" James demanded.

They pulled up short so Ashley could show him what she meant, both of them distinctly ignoring Vega and Trakes' whispering about how unfair that happened to be. Kaidan leaned over with Shepard as Ashley brought up a display on her omni-tool.

"Thirty yards that way," she explained, pointing a bit to their left, but definitely towards the entrance to the Archives.

"I bet that's useful," Kaidan commented.

The look she gave him past that visor was unmistakable. Shepard had been on the receiving end of that look numerous times when the _Normandy_ still flew Cerberus colors, and he imagined he'd keep getting that look until the day she died. Or he died. Whichever came first...again.

Kaidan put his hands up in surrender and Ashley reverted her gaze back to Shepard. He still hated that her visor was tinted, but at least the voice changer had been done away with. Shepard suspected that was the Alliance's doing. He suspected a lot of things were the Alliance's doing, like the fact that she was apparently capable of giving _him_ orders now. Kaidan being promoted above him was strange enough, but Ashley? That took strange to a whole new level.

"Keep moving," Shepard ordered.

Ashley snapped her omni-tool shut and the two lieutenants fell in behind the trio, keeping the minimum distance this formation allowed. Shepard couldn't say he blamed them. They didn't want to go get separated. Not now, not with that storm rolling in because holy _shit,_ it really was massive. If there was one thing that unnerved Shepard, it was nature. There was nothing stopping storms like that, or even larger ones. Getting caught in that could get them killed.

He led his team towards a pair of flashing poles. Shepard dropped down between them as Vega said, "What's that?"

Kaidan and the rest of them joined him, looking down at the group of marines clustered around each other in the dirt. Blood was splattered against the barricade they were propped up against, covered the red sand in an even darker red stain.

"Alliance," Kaidan said. "Sergeant Reeves." Shepard looked up; Alenko was reading off his omni-tool.

"Doesn't look like they put up much of a fight," Ashley remarked.

"Blitz attack," Shepard said.

"If the Reapers didn't do this, who the hell did?"

None of them answered James, but Shepard did bend down and pick up the Mantis sniper rifle from where it had fallen. He passed it to Ashley, the only member of the group (aside from Trakes) who had any marksman training. She seemed to catch on without being told, and she changed out her assault rifle for the bolt-action sniper.

"Ugh. That gun sucks," Trakes said, eyeing it.

"Your gun sucks," she retorted.

Shepard stifled a laugh and nodded to the path down. "Keep a low profile until we know what's going on, understood?"

"Yes, sir." The four of them practically said it simultaneously and it made Shepard arch a brow, amused.

The next couple yards were uneventful enough, but he supposed the thing waiting for them down the hill more than made up for it. He stopped to watch as a trooper in white and black armor shot an Alliance marine point-blank in the head.

"Well would you look at that," Ash said. "Fucking Cerberus."

"You mean the trash?" Trakes quipped.

"They look like mini Ashleys," Shepard commented. "All white armor. They're like targets."

"Screw you, Commander."

"The worst part is I can't even slap you with insubordination for that." Shepard imagined the eye roll he got for that and grinned over at her, crouched behind a roadblock with Alenko. Not like she could see it; taking off his helmet was a death sentence. "Follow my lead," he said, putting on the serious Commander act.

Shepard reached back for his assault rifle. He counted down from five on his fingers, and then spun around the barricade. Biotic energy rippled down his arm in a flash and a purple wave erupted from his outstretched hand, throwing several of the Cerberus troopers back into the transport vehicle. Kaidan tossed two of them off the ledge as Shepard leapt the barrier.

It had been a while since he'd thrown himself across a battlefield like that, but it was as easy as ever. Energy thrummed through his body as he slid to a stop, ramming his shoulder into a trooper's chest hard enough to break bone. Shepard bounced on his feet as he whipped around on another Cerberus soldier. Just as he lifted his rifle to fire, a bullet ripped through the side of the man's head, leaving a white trail of smoke behind as he collapsed.

He didn't pause. There was a soldier ducked on the other side of the vehicle, pointing his gun under the bumper. Shepard shot him in the leg and waited for him to fall, and then shot him in the chest twice.

With the troopers gone, the others jogged down the hill to join him. Kaidan was eyeing him warily and keeping a healthy distance from Ash, so Shepard assumed that whatever had caused that look earlier had somehow involved Cerberus. But with everything Cerberus had done over the last few years, it was hard for him to even guess what had set either of them off.

"That was Cerberus?" James asked.

"Looks like it," Shepard said, nodding to the logo painted onto the side of the transport.

"What are they doing here?"

"Something stupid, like always," Shepard groused.

"It _is_ Cerberus we're talking about here," Trakes said. "They're the same morons who stick Reaper tech inside people's heads just to see what happens."

"They do that? That's sick. Someone needs to put those poor bastards down." Almost as a collective, Shepard, Kaidan, and Trakes turned to Ashley. "W-what? You don't... Oh. I'm, uh...I'm sorry. I didn't mean—"

"You meant it," she said flatly.

"Well, no I—"

"You did."

The tone of her voice said that was the end of the discussion whether he liked it or not, and after a moment of awkward silence, Shepard jerked his head further up the path. "Let's get moving. The sooner we're off this planet, the better."

"Agreed," Trakes said.

The four of them formed up around Shepard, though both Kaidan and James kept a little distance between him. Kaidan was probably on about Cerberus—when wasn't he? James...Shepard didn't know about, but he assumed it had something to do with Ashley sticking to the tight formation they'd adopted on the way in. She was close enough that under other circumstances, Shepard would be able to brush his arm against hers.

That train of thought led to places it shouldn't be going in the current situation and he snapped at himself when James shouted, "Look out!"

More Cerberus troopers came from behind their trucks, opening fire on him, Kaidan, and Ash. Kaidan threw several around before diving for the cover of a wheel, Shepard leapt right into the fray like he'd been trained, and he lost sight of Ash when she went around the other side of the first vehicle. Shepard pulled one of the troopers right off his feet when a bullet bounced off his visor, stunning him.

A shove threw him to the dirt. "Get down!" Ashley.

Once he'd recovered, Shepard rolled to his feet and jumped across the scene again. This time, however, he managed to accidentally get himself surrounded with that trick, and and bullets ricocheted off his barrier. Drawing on the small generator stuck to his back, Shepard used the mass effect fields to push him into the air as he slammed back down, throwing the field out in a ten-foot radius. The troopers caught in the blast were knocked out of cover for his party, either getting personal with Kaidan's brand of biotic abilities or taking various bullets from the others.

"Doesn't look like they came here in force," Vega said when they regrouped.

"Yeah, only a couple vehicles," Shepard agreed.

"Someone betrayed them," Kaidan surmised. "A lot more men than this would be needed to take the Archives."

"Seems likely."

"Cerberus is up to something," Trakes said. "But why attack the Archives? Why now? They're attacking what's basically a library in the middle of a war."

"It's doubtful they knew about the invasion when they got here," Ashley said. "They've been here for a couple hours at the very least. The Reapers hit Earth only an hour ago."

"It doesn't matter if they knew about the Reapers or not," Shepard decided. "What matters is they're attacking innocent people and Alliance personnel. We're putting a stop to it once we get the data."

"Roger that, sir."

As they approached the lift to take them into the Archives, James said, "I thought you told Cerberus to screw off after you destroyed that Collector base."

"That's exactly what I did." _More or less,_ he admitted quietly. He'd told them to screw off a lot sooner, but most people seemed to believe that he waited. After all, the _Normandy_ had flown Cerberus colors all the way back to Earth.

"Well, one thing's for sure: they're no friend of the Alliance."

Shepard nodded his agreement as they piled onto the platform. He went for the controls, beginning the process to pressurize the airlock so they could take off their helmets without worrying about suffocating. While he did that, Kaidan marched up beside him, saying, "I need the truth, Shepard."

He eyed the other marine suspiciously. "About what?"

"Do you know anything about what's going on? Why Cerberus is here?"

When he turned to face Kaidan, he noticed Ashley staring at the back of Alenko's head. He couldn't be sure, but it looked like she was squeezing the grip of her rifle tighter than usual. Shepard forced his eyes back to Kaidan's. "What makes you think I know what they're up to?"

"You worked for them. How can I believe you've left that behind?"

"Let me be clear," he said, crossing his arms, "I didn't work _for_ them. I worked with them, and I don't anymore. And I have no idea why they're here now or what they want."

"Commander Shepard has been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth," Vega interjected. "No way they've communicated since."

Kaidan sighed and looked from James back to the Commander. "Sorry...Shepard. I just—"

Air hissed overhead, signifying that the compartment had been pressurized successfully. Shepard stepped away as he removed his helmet, tossing it to Ashley when she gestured that she'd take it.

He twisted to look back at Kaidan. "You know me better than that, Kaid." The lift jerked once, roughly, before kicking onto a smooth ride up. Shepard kept a hand on his pistol just in case Cerberus was waiting for them at the top, but unsurprisingly, the area was clear. It looked like they were in a garage, a supply room of sorts. As they stepped off, he said, "We can't do this if you don't trust me."

"I do," Kaidan said. Behind them, Ashley scoffed. "It's just that—"

Up ahead, there was a clang in the vents, and the five of them dove into cover. Shepard ducked behind one of the rovers with Kaidan and James, and Ash took Trakes down behind a stack of storage crates. The banging got increasingly louder until the grate flew off the end of the shaft. If he listened closely, he was sure he heard gunshots just a moment earlier.

To his surprise, Liara slid out of the vent, onto the walkway above, and then jumped the railing to the floor below. The asari took several strides back as a pair of Cerberus troopers followed her out, spun, and trapped them in a singularity. As they were suspended in the air, Liara took her handgun and shot them both. They hit the floor with dull thuds before Shepard stepped out of cover, intending to speak with her.

While Liara finished them off, James whipped around the vehicle with his gun levelled at her back. As powerful as she was, Shepard doubted her reflexes were good enough to stop a bullet at such a close range. He locked a hand around Vega's weapon and pushed it down.

"Easy there, Lieutenant. She's with us."

Vega blinked, glanced between Shepard and the asari, and nodded.

Liara whirled at the sound of their approach, reaching for her weapon. She recognized Shepard instantly, though, and relaxed. "Shepard! Thank the goddess you're alive."

He smiled. "It's good to see you too, Liara."

"I was worried when the reports came in. They hit Earth hard?"

"Yeah," Kaidan said. "It was...hard to leave."

As much as Kaidan was getting on his nerves, Shepard couldn't help feeling bad for him. Vancouver was his home, and he'd just watched the Reapers obliterate it in a matter of minutes. Shepard was hurting over the attack, but he couldn't imagine what Kaidan was feeling.

"Kaidan, I...I'm sorry," Liara muttered. "But...why'd you come here?"

"Hackett ordered us to come. Said you'd know what was going on," Shepard explained.

Liara's eyes widened before she nodded. "I do."

"Hallelujah!" James said. "Some answers, finally."

"Yeah, I was getting bored of shooting Cerberus troops without a reason," Ashley said sarcastically.

They followed her towards a window. Thick glass, sturdy enough to withstand the most powerful sandstorms Mars could offer. "Maybe. I've discovered plans for a Prothean device. One that could wipe out the Reapers."

"Does something like that even exist?"

"You are the absolute last person I'd expect to say that, Ash," Shepard remarked.

"Hey, if the Reapers knew about it, I'd know about it."

He shifted gears, returning his attention to Liara. "Anyway... You mean here? On Mars?"

"In the Prothean Archives, yes," she said.

"We've known about the Archives for decades," Shepard said as his skepticism kicked in. It sounded too good to be true. A weapon that could kill Reapers? Unbelievable. "Why now?"

"Process of elimination...mixed with a little desperation," Liara admitted. "When I got the data on the Alpha Relay incident, I knew I had to do something. Hackett knew it, too. He contacted me, asking if I would use my resources as the Shadow Broker to find a way to stop the Reapers. My search led me here." She gestured to the structure outside, the Alliance base built around the Archives. "Hackett got me access to the Archives and kept me updated on your status."

 _Right...because that's not creepy._

"I meant to come see you," she said, adding that last part on rather hurriedly, trying to cover up the slight embarrassment showing in her voice.

"I was under house arrest. There wasn't much I could do to help you, anyway."

"I suppose you're right," Liara consented, turning back to the window's view. "In any case, my work paid off. The Archives are full of data. An overwhelming amount. I think I found what we need."

"I guess I'll believe it when I see it," Shepard said. "Where do we find this weapon?"

"It's not a weapon. Not yet. It's plans for a device, a blueprint."

He sighed, but shrugged. "It's more than we had a minute ago. How do we get to it?"

"The Archives are just across that tramway," Liara said, pointing. "But that's assuming Cerberus hasn't locked it down."

"What are they after?"

"Yeah, they seem hell-bent on catching you," James said.

"They want what I'm here for. What we're _all_ here for."

"But why?" Shepard pressed.

"The Protheans came close to defeating the Reapers. They had plans to destroy them, but ran out of time."

"And anything powerful enough to destroy the Reapers..." Ashley trailed off.

"Just might be something Cerberus would be interested in," Shepard finished.

"So we're racing Cerberus to the Archives," Trakes assumed.

There was another bang, but this came from the walkway overhead. Shepard looked towards the doors as sparks started flying, bouncing off the walls and floor. "We've got company."

"Bring it on."

"Not this time, James," Shepard said.

"What?"

"Get back to the shuttle," he ordered. "Take Trakes with you. If Cerberus beats us to the Archives, I need someone covering the exits." Shepard turned and jogged towards the control panel, punching in several commands while James protested. Trakes already had his helmet back on and his rifle at the ready, stepping onto the platform without argument.

"But—"

Another thud came from the doors as Cerberus tried to break through.

"Now, Lieutenant," Shepard said.

Vega sighed, but joined Trakes as he returned his helmet to his head. A few more codes and Shepard had the elevator operational, taking the two marines back to ground level. Just as the airlock sealed the gap, he heard the doors above open up.

"There's the asari bitch!"

"Looks like they found us," Liara commented as Shepard took cover with Ashley.

Bullets splattered off the metal of the machinery, ricocheting into his shields. It was his turn to sigh. Why couldn't anything ever be easy?


	62. Chapter 62

The absolute last thing Shepard wanted to hear today was the Illusive Man's voice. And the fact that he did just made it worse. Today was shit. Today was worse than Virmire, both trips combined. Reapers, Cerberus, and now the Illusive Man. Fuck, but Shepard hated his life.

"Shepard."

Both he and Liara spun around towards the voice. The asari drew her gun and pointed it at the hologram's chest, taking a step to the side as she braced her grip. "Illusive Man." It was more of an accusation than anything, but for what, Shepard didn't know. "Now we know why Cerberus is here."

He took a drag off his cigarette before saying, "You don't know the half of it. The Protheans left us these Archives–a wealth of information–and it's been squandered." Shepard wasn't surprised. Nothing the Alliance ever did was even remotely halfway decent in his eyes.

"What do you want?" he demanded.

The Illusive Man's eyes wandered past Shepard to focus on the glowing structure behind him. "What I've always wanted. The data in these artifacts holds the key to solving the Reaper threat."

"I've seen your solution," Shepard snarled. "You're turning your own men into monsters."

"Monsters? It's merely a refined science, one Lieutenant-Commander Williams contributed to nicely. Would you call Ashley a monster, Shepard? Or would you defend her solely because of your narrow-minded ideals?"

He ground his teeth together in frustration.

"Besides, it's an improvement."

"What do you mean it's an improvement? All of your subjects go insane!"

The Illusive Man inhaled deeply before setting his cigarette aside, somewhere Shepard couldn't see. "All but two. That's what separates us, Shepard: where you see a means to destroy, I see a way to control—to dominate and harness the Reapers' power. Imagine how strong humanity would be if we controlled them."

"Earth is under siege...and you're hatching a scheme to control the Reapers?"

"You seem surprised. My goal has been, and always will be, to use whatever means I have at my disposal to protect humanity."

"The Reapers are _not_ a means to an end," he snapped.

"Not to you." The cigarette returned to his hand, then his mouth. "This isn't your fight any longer, Shepard. You can't defeat the Reapers, even with the Prothean data."

"You brought me back because you knew what I could do. I can defeat them." And for a second, the briefest of seconds, Shepard believed himself.

"Doubtful. The odds aren't in your favor. More importantly, I don't want the Reapers destroyed." _Of course not._ "We can dominate them, use their power, harness their very essence to bring humanity to the apex of evolution."

"You've gone too far," Shepard said. "The Reapers will kill us all if we don't stop fighting each other!"

"I don't expect you to understand, Shepard. And I'm certainly not looking for your approval. I needed your help once, just as you needed mine." He glanced over his shoulder at something in his office, but Shepard couldn't see what. "But like the rest of the relics in this place, your time is over."

Shepard waved a hand in dismissal. "Enough talk. Liara?"

As she turned back to get the data they needed from the console, the Illusive Man said, "Don't interfere with my plans, Shepard. I won't warn you again."

"Go to hell."

"Shepard!"

He twisted to look at Liara. "What is it?"

"The data," she said. Her voice quivered in a panic. "It's not here. It's being erased."

Shepard swore, both out loud and to himself. "Damn it! How's he doing it?"

"It's local. Someone's uploading the information."

He watched as Liara typed furiously away, trying to track the source of the bug, but from behind, he heard both Kaidan and Ashley yelling at someone.

"Step away from the console."

"Now!"

Shepard reached back for his assault rifle slowly, waiting, watching the tiny bunker as the two of them advanced on it. The next thing he knew, Ash was on the floor, unarmed, and a woman, that damned doctor who'd caused all this, was bolting back towards the exit.

"Damn it!" Liara exclaimed.

"She's got the data!" Kaidan shouted.

A spray of gunfire bounced harmlessly off her back as she ran, and Shepard decided against drawing his gun. He took off after her, and while Liara had said she was fast, Shepard was able to keep up easily. Unfortunately, Eva was always one step out of reach, just ahead of him, and it pissed him off. As they raced out into the foyer, she slid into the control room and locked the door behind her, leaving him to wait for his omni-tool to punch through.

The instant it opened, he was greeted with a burst of fire smacking off his chest. Liara caught him as he staggered, but he threw her off almost immediately. The doctor was now on the other side of the glass, making her way for a ladder that would lead to the rooftop. Shepard smacked the key to open the windows and sprinted after her, jumping several rungs to get a head start. Eva was already gone, and by her lack of any breathing or protective equipment, Shepard doubted she was even human.

He pushed the hatch open and hauled himself onto the roof, scanning the walkways for his target.

Running parallel to a Cerberus shuttle. Troopers were shooting at him, but he didn't let it sway him. If he didn't catch her, this war was as good as finished. Shepard refused to let that happen.

He leapt a pipe system and continued chasing her, gaining enough ground that the shuttle had to pull away. Relief surged through his veins, but Eva kept running, and without Ashley to run ahead, it was up to him to catch the slippery bastard.

She fired another burst of flame back at his head; Shepard ducked, rolled, and leapt the stack of crates she knocked over to slow him down. He elected to jump several feet down to the lower platform she was now running across. His legs screamed under the strain and Shepard focused on Eva's back, hoping that that would be enough to get him through this mess.

Around a bend, up another ladder. The Cerberus shuttle reappeared as Eva reached the opposite end of the roof, pulling away at an angle so Shepard couldn't jump in after her.

"Dammit! James? _Normandy_? Anybody?"

Just as the shuttle started to get away, his party raced to his side. Shepard hardly had the opportunity to look at them when a crash ripped through his eardrums. His head snapped up to see the white Kodiak falling towards the roof. Flames and smoke poured from the side, and Shepard was so stunned by the sight that Kaidan had to push him out of the way before it made its landing.

By the time the Alliance shuttle came back around, Shepard was on his feet. Kaidan waved off his help and Ashley was already creeping her way towards the smoking metal ruin, so Shepard figured it was time to get the hell out of here. The shuttle shook as it touched down and from the sound of it, getting the door open was a pain in the ass. Trakes jumped out before James, though the latter did say that the _Normandy_ was on its way.

"I'd throw up if I could," Trakes admitted.

James chuckled and smacked the man's back roughly. Trakes staggered a bit, but laughed.

Shepard sighed and shook his head. "Don't do that ever again."

"No promises, Commander," James replied.

He opened his mouth to reiterate his point, but a gun went off multiple times from the other side of the shuttle. Without any hesitation whatsoever, Shepard pulled his pistol off his hip and rounded the damaged craft. Liara was nearby, pushing herself to her feet, Ashley was buried under the hatch from the Cerberus shuttle and struggling to free herself, and Kaidan was being suspended in the air by a charred, but very much alive, Eva Coré.

Shepard levelled his gun on the synthetic. "Let him go!"

A metallic groan split the whipping air as Ashley kicked the door off her chest, but as soon as she did, Eva spun, Kaidan still in her grasp, and smashed his head off the shuttle. Once, twice, three times. When she dropped him, Kaidan didn't get up. Shepard felt his heart drop into his gut in a moment of panic, but he regained his senses almost instantly. Eva turned on him and the others in the same breath.

He wasn't the only one to open fire. As soon as one of her bullets snapped off Eva's body, the synthetic turned on Ashley. Shepard emptied his whole damn clip on the thing and Eva still didn't stop. She smacked, literally smacked, Ashley's gun from her hand, grabbed her by the wrist and forced her to her knees. While he reloaded, Ashley managed to knock herself free of the synthetic's grasp before she snapped her neck.

Unfortunately, that put her between Eva and the crashed shuttle, and while Shepard had gotten the chance to shoot at her again, Eva still managed to bash Ashley off the vehicle as well. One good hit. Either Eva had been savoring her chance to kill Kaidan, or she didn't want to risk Ash getting back on her feet and had used everything in her power to get her in one go.

It didn't matter. Shepard didn't give a damn. Nothing had hit him so hard in his entire life. Not Virmire, not the Collector base, not even Elysium. Watching Eva take both Kaidan and Ashley down so effortlessly had been it. After graduating as an N7, Shepard had been looked at like he was more than a person, and the first people to ever treat him like a regular guy were now on the ground, either dead or seriously injured.

Biotic energy crackled down his arm as he tossed the pistol aside. Useless. It didn't seem to affect her whatsoever.

One good throw. That was all it took. He threw her back into the shuttle; the force of the impact almost knocked it off the rooftop entirely. While she was attempting to recover, Trakes pulled the trigger of his rifle and that was the end of it.

Shepard glared at the synthetic's body. Fucking piece of shit. That thing only made him hate Cerberus even more.

"Commander, we've got Reaper signatures in orbit!"

Joker's voice over the comm snapped him back to reality.

"Everyone onto the ship!" he ordered, headed for Ashley. Trakes went for Kaidan, slinging the larger man across his shoulders like every marine was trained to do. "Vega, grab that thing and bring it with us."

To the man's credit, he didn't question Shepard's sanity and just did as told. As soon as the words left his mouth, Shepard wondered what was wrong with him. For all he knew, it had killed Kaidan _and_ Ashley, and he wanted Vega to bring it aboard the _Normandy._

He pushed the thoughts away. Instead, he focused his attention on getting Ashley off the ground and onto the ship. She was conscious, barely, but it helped alleviate the fear swirling through his head. Shepard had no intention of getting her killed again, and the fact that she was still breathing made him let out a sigh of relief.

"W-what?"

Shepard slung one of her arms around his neck, caught her around the shoulders, and slid an arm under her knees before starting towards the open cargo bay. The storm loomed in the distance as Reaper ships began touching down.

"What's...going on?"

"The Reapers," he said. "They've come to harvest Mars."

She groaned and let her head sag against his chest. "They can...harvest my foot outta their asses...sir."

Shepard snorted a laugh as the door closed. "You're something else, you know that? Half-conscious and you're making jokes."

Ashley mumbled something about making up for lost time as he stepped into the elevator with Trakes. Liara followed, but Vega stuck around in the cargo hold, shooting a lingering glance at them as the doors slid shut. The asari hit the button to take them to the crew deck and the med bay, where Kaidan would probably be until he recovered...or until they got him someplace with real medical care.

The elevator's speed wasn't something the Alliance had improved, and while Shepard was starting to get anxious, he was glad for the slowness. It gave him the chance to realize that yes, this was all really happening. Part of him expected to wake up in his apartment to find out this was some bad dream, but having Ashley pressed against him did wonders to put the world into perspective.

The Reapers hit Earth. He was the commanding officer of the SSV _Normandy._ He was reinstated, and apparently, the Alliance's go-to for anything involving the Reapers. Kaidan was seriously injured. Ashley would probably be drifting in and out of consciousness for another few hours.

The Reapers hit Earth. His mind drifted back to it, even as they stepped off the elevator to make for the med bay. Earth was gone. In a matter of minutes, the planet had fallen. Despite everything, it was gone, and he'd left Anderson there to fight a war that had never been won before. The Alliance was using him as their poster boy already.

He dropped Ashley onto one of the cots as carefully as possible. Shepard took her helmet, her backpack, the guns, everything, and set them all off to the side so he could check on Kaidan. Trakes was occupied stripping the major down in a fashion similar to what he'd just done with Ashley, though Trakes was far more gentle about it. That wasn't saying Shepard had been rough, but Ashley's face wasn't beaten beyond recognition. She wasn't having obvious difficulty breathing. She was _clearly_ going to be fine after a couple hours.

Kaidan, on the other hand, he wasn't so sure about.

"He needs medical attention," Liara said. When Shepard didn't reply, she leaned forward over Kaidan to look him in the eye. "We have to leave the Sol system."

Shepard pulled off his own helmet and ran a hand through his sweat-slicked hair. "Joker, set a course for the Citadel."

"Roger that, Commander."

James came up with Eva's body a few seconds later, dropping it roughly onto the exam table. He glared at it for a moment, working things through, and said, "See what you and EDI can learn from that thing, Liara."

"Commander, I'm receiving a signal over the secondary QEC," EDI said. "I believe it's Admiral Hackett."

Shepard inhaled deeply, squeezing his eyes shut, before turning and heading back to the elevator. "Patch me through."

"I'll forward it to the comm room."

He jogged back inside and hit the button to take him up to the CIC. His usual impatience manifested itself while he waited, causing him to drum his fingers off his thigh until the door opened. To the right, into a room where two guards waited for him to disarm so they could scan him. Two passes through and he headed further into the ship, passing the interfaces and stations to come to a stop in a small, round room.

"Shepard? Are you reading me? Commander?"

A projection of Hackett was about as static-filled as his vid call earlier. "EDI, can you clear this up?"

"I'll do my best," she answered.

Shepard closed the projection board and greeted the admiral with a salute. Hackett didn't comment or return it, but got straight to business. "Did you get to the Archives?"

"I was there," he confimed with a nod. "So was the Illusive Man."

Hackett folded an arm over his chest and balanced the other on top of it, running his hand over his mouth. "I was worried Cerberus might try something. Did you get the data?"

"Most of it. He downloaded some before I could stop him. EDI and Liara are analyzing what we recovered." As he said it, Liara rounded the bend and joined him in the room, almost as if on cue.

"What have you learned?" he asked, directing his attention to the asari. "Was it worth the effort?"

"Preliminary evidence suggests the data is a blueprint for a Prothean device," she said.

"Device?"

Liara's answer was to bring up her omni-tool to create a holographic representation of it for them to see. "A weapon, massive in size and scope, that's capable of unquantifiable levels of destruction."

"Send me the data," Hackett ordered. "We'll do our own analysis. If Liara's instincts are right, this might be the key to stopping the Reapers."

Shepard let out a breath of relief as Liara ended the projection, leaning over the terminal. "I hope so, sir. Major Alenko was injured on Mars. We're taking him to the Citadel."

"Sorry to hear that, Shepard." He paused to let that sink in. Hackett was apologizing? Wow. "But we both know this is just the beginning. Talk to the Council while you're there. Show them what you've found. With luck, they'll give you all the support we need."

He didn't need Ashley here with her "realistic" outlook to make his own conclusions. "And if they don't?"

"Do whatever it takes to get them on board."

"Aye aye, Admiral."

Hackett stood at attention and saluted, a gesture Shepard returned. "I'll be in touch soon. Hackett out."

With the transmission ended, Shepard followed Liara into the adjacent room. "EDI is extracting data from the Cerberus machine. We'll have details to present to the Council by the time we reach the Citadel."

"And Kaidan? Ash?"

"I've done what I can for Kaidan," she said. "Lieutenant Trakes is with them both now, but there's not much either of us can do for Ashley. Kaidan will need medical attention soon." His mouth was still dry, tasted like sawdust. All he did was nod and start back for the CIC. Liara stopped him, asked, "The Admiral's right. It's going to get worse...isn't it?"

Shepard glanced at her. The woman he saw wasn't the same one they'd rescued from Therum; she'd grown up since then, but she still looked up to him. "Unless we stop the Reapers. Yeah."

She followed him down to the small holographic interface, whatever it did. "I've looked at the data. This weapon could be the answer...if we can build it. I get the sense you don't quite believe it, though."

What was he supposed to say? That he did? There was no shot in hell that he'd believe it until he could see it; learning of the weapon had been too easy. And even though he hated to admit it, _getting_ the data had been too easy. To find something like that at the cost of Kaidan's health...they got lucky. It could've been a lot worse.

"You didn't see what they did to Earth," Shepard said. Best to play it honest. "How is one weapon supposed to stop them?"

"What other options do we have? You know we can't win this conventionally." He looked away, running a hand over the back of his neck. That was what he hated. There _weren't_ any other options. "Commander?" He returned his focus to Liara. "Isn't it worth trying, at least?"

He turned away and started for the doors. "I'm going to check on Kaidan and Ashley. Make sure we're ready to present our findings to the Council."

"I'm sure the Council will see the need to help."

"It'll be a hell of a short war if they don't."


	63. Chapter 63

He was no politician, so why was it both the Council and the Alliance wanted him to be? Nothing irritated him more than finding out none of the Council races were willing to help humanity. Shepard was always willing to help out another species, even if he had to do it in turn for their aid, but this was _not_ the time for any of that. If any of them had a chance at surviving this war, it would take everyone's combined effort to bring the Reapers down. The Council knew that.

So why were they sending him on a chase for the turians' Primarch?

Shepard had so many other things he could be doing to aid his own race, but instead, the _Normandy's_ next destination would be the one of the moons for the turian homeworld. The turian councilor had already forwarded him the coordinates and whatever information he thought might be useful, but Shepard was still fuming. This was the most roundabout way to get help for Earth.

At least Kaidan was somewhere safe. Nowhere in the galaxy was safe from the Reapers, but as far as Shepard was concerned, the Citadel was the safest place for someone to go. Not to mention the fact its borders were still clear and it had enough hospitals to support most of the population the station supported.

Liara had assured him that Huerta Memorial, the hospital Kaidan had been taken to, had some of the best, if not _the_ best, doctors in the galaxy. He would be in good hands until he recovered...if he recovered. Kaidan was tough, but everyone had their limits.

So when he exited the elevator at the docking bay, seeing Ashley lurking around the viewport actually surprised him. They'd only gotten off Mars two hours ago; Shepard had expected her to be unconscious for the rest of the day, if not longer. The fact that she was moving around could only be a good sign, but he didn't miss the sling tied around her neck. Liara and Trakes had both told him her wrist had been broken.

"Hey."

Ashley didn't look at him when he joined her at the railing, but the agitated pacing stopped. "Hey."

Shepard braced both of his hands on the cool metal, squeezing the railing tightly. "Didn't really get the chance to say that earlier."

"It's been a long day," she agreed.

"Yeah," he said. Saying it was a long day was such an understatement that it hurt, but there wasn't any reason to argue with her. As understated as it was, Ashley was still right. It had only been five hours at the most since they'd fled Earth; it felt like a lifetime.

"How's Kaidan?"

"As good as someone can be after the beating he took."

She sighed and ran her uninjured hand through her hair. It was free of the usual bun she kept it in, resting haphazardly on her shoulders. On a normal day, Shepard might've made a crack about that being against regs, hair touching her uniform, but he doubted she was in the mood for it, and he didn't have the heart to make jokes. He was too exhausted for it.

"I figured."

"How are you holding up?" Shepard asked, shifting topics.

Ashley shrugged. "My arm should be fine in the next hour or so. I'm only wearing this to shut Chakwas up."

Shepard smiled despite himself. "She caught you, did she?"

"Yeah, right as I was leaving the med bay." She shook her head. "As glad as I am to see her, she's crazy. This is a waste of supplies."

"She's just looking out for you, Ash."

"I really don't get everyone's need to mother me. I'm an adult. I can take care of myself."

"You do have a streak of being a little reckless."

She scoffed. "I have no idea what you're talking about." Shepard chuckled and turned his gaze back to the _Normandy_ just as she glanced over at him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her do the same. "Liara filled me in. How'd it go with the Council?"

"Exactly as you'd expect."

"I'm sorry, Shepard."

"Me too."

They were silent for a while, long enough Shepard figured it would be time to get going. Standing around like this wasted their time, time the turian Primarch might not have. He would be damned if he let the Reapers fuck him over this early on; that war summit was happening whether the Reapers liked it or not.

He bumped her with his shoulder and nodded to the docking tube. "Come on. We can talk on the ship."

Ashley glanced back at the way further into the Citadel, hesitated, but relented. Shepard didn't know what that was about, though he supposed he could always ask once they'd boarded. He didn't mind talking with her, not in the least, but they needed to get underway. Earth wasn't going to get any help if he just stood around doing nothing all day.

Their walk through the remainder of the bay and the tube was quiet, filled by the muttering of the citizens milling about the area. The sealing of the door behind them was enough to cut the voices off. Shepard started towards the ship's airlock, taking a moment to realize Ashley wasn't following. She was standing at the door still, staring at it. Shepa couldn't see her face, but he doubted that hesitation was a good thing.

"Ash."

Her head snapped around and she forced a smile. "Sorry, I was just... I'm sorry."

Shepard caught her arm when she tried to pass him. "Are you okay? You look a little...out of it."

"Yeah, I guess I am. I mean, I'm not the one in the hospital, right?"

"Is that what this is about?" he asked, frowning. "Kaidan?"

Ashley shook her head. "Not really, no. I don't know. Can you wait until we're somewhere else? I need a minute."

Shepard nodded and let his hand fall to his side. "You want to head down to one of the observation decks, or...?"

"Yeah. Starboard. Meet me there in a few minutes."

"Sounds good," he said, following her into the _Normandy's_ airlock. "I need to check on Joker and set some destinations on the galaxy map. I'll be down afterwards." Ashley nodded absentmindedly while he hit the keys to get them into the ship, and when she headed right, he went to the left, marching into the cockpit.

"Hey, Commander," Joker said. He swivelled around in his chair, fixing his Alliance SR-2 cap before resting his hands on his knees. "Nice to know the Council finally admitted they just can't do anything for once."

"They're doing what they can," Shepard admitted.

Joker laughed sarcastically. "Didn't expect you to defend them."

"Neither did I," Shepard agreed. "Politicians are a pain in the ass."

"And now they got you playing politician, right?"

"Sadly," he said. "Anyway, are you having any problems up here with the Alliance's upgrades?"

The pilot shook his head. "Nope. I don't have to learn Alliance systems like I did with Cerberus. A lot of the retrofits were just minor improvements here and there, like moving the armory down to the shuttle bay instead of deck one. They didn't do much in here."

"I take it they didn't bother EDI?"

"Negative, Commander," the AI said. "Jeff had me lie and pretend to be a simple VI that only responded to his commands."

"Hence why I'm still flying my baby," he said happily, spinning back around in his chair. "So I'm guessing you didn't just come up here to chat? What's up?"

"I need you to plot a course for Menae. It's one of Palaven's moons. The Council needs us to pull the turian Primarch from the fighting so he can meet at their summit."

Joker punched a few orders in, then said, "We're not waiting for Kaidan and Ash?"

"Ash is still on the _Normandy,_ " Shepard said. "Kaidan was still unconscious when I dropped by to visit him. I don't think he'll be ready for active duty for a while yet."

"Oh." Joker was quiet for a minute. "Well...it's nice we have Williams on board. Keep your ass straightened out, Commander."

"I think it's more the other way around."

"Both ways," he said. "Anything else?"

Shepard shook his head. "Not at the moment, no. EDI, are we missing anybody?"

"All crew members are accounted for, Shepard. The _Normandy_ is ready for departure."

"Get us out of here, Joker."

"Roger that."

Destination set, Shepard turned and marched out to the bridge, and then the CIC. He stopped briefly to check his emails, a clutter of news reports from the Alliance. Only two really looked important: one from Hackett officially reinstating his command and giving him political leeway on behalf of the Alliance, and another from Command ordering him to check out a colony Cerberus had attacked. He felt nauseous looking at the name. _Ash_ _is gonna be thrilled._

Eden Prime had been invaded by Cerberus some weeks before. Alliance intel pinpointed the concentration of their activities. They were digging around the old site for more Prothean technology; Cerberus had found something, but what that something was wasn't listed in the known data. All the Alliance knew was that they couldn't let Cerberus hang on to the colony. Shepard was inclined to agree. Eden Prime could be vital in ferrying supplies and equipment to Alliance forces fighting the Reapers. Letting it go wasn't an option.

Shepard closed the terminal and opened his omni-tool, leaving himself a reminder to head for the colony after rescuing Primarch Fedorian. He didn't want to leave the colonists to deal with Cerberus solo, but the war could be won without Eden Prime. Without the Primarch, they were as good as dead anyway. He hated these decisions.

With that settled, he turned on his heel and raised the elevator. He stepped inside as a pair of technicians exited. The one was the woman who worked with the galaxy map, and the way she hurried back to her post led Shepard to believe she was flustered by something. Whatever that could be escaped him, but he figured once he was done talking with Ashley, he'd need to go around and introduce himself to the crew. Or maybe after they got the Primarch on board; he was exhausted and could use the time to get some rest.

The elevator slid to a smooth stop. It was nice, given that the last time he was on the _Normandy_ it still needed repairs from the attack on the Collector base. The Alliance had done an amazing job on bringing the ship up to speed with their regs.

He went to step off, but Ashley was standing in front of the door. Not directly. She was staring at the memorial wall the Alliance had installed from the SR-1. Without even looking, he knew why.

"You know, I get why the Alliance didn't want to flaunt me around," she said, "but really?"

Shepard crossed his arms as he joined her, arching a brow. "They just want to give credit where it's due."

Ashley gave him a sideways glance. "I don't see your name up there."

"Well, I'm not—" Shepard cut himself off at the amused look she was giving him. "I see your point."

"Yeah, you might want to talk to your comm specialist about that."

"What? Why?"

"I asked her to get me a screwdriver so I could take my name down and she got all flustered and embarrassed."

"You're not starting fights, are you?"

Ashley snorted a laugh. "Not with techs, no. Seriously though, that's going to bother me. I'm not dead. I don't want my name up there when I'm still here."

"We'll get it sorted out," Shepard promised. "You can take it down when your arm heals, all right?"

"You say that like I can't do it one-handed."

"No," he said. "I came down here to talk to you, not question how well the Alliance tracks their soldiers."

She shrugged. "Yeah, I suppose. Come on, then. Before you get ambushed or something."

Shepard stood aside and let her lead him into the observation deck. It looked relatively similar to the way it was set up by Cerberus, except it now had more seating against one of the walls. The Cerberus logo Samara used to sit on was now gone, either removed or covered by a coat of paint. Didn't necessarily matter as long as it stayed that way.

Ashley went for the bench in the corner, so Shepard did the same. His eyes briefly drifted over the passing cars and the city on the other side of the glass, but he chose to dismiss the nostalgic feeling that always crept up on him in these places. Instead he joined Ash in the end of the room, dropping down beside her at a healthy distance. Never knew when someone might walk in. He didn't want to give the wrong idea if someone _did_ come in.

"You all right?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she said. It was always the same response with her. Ashley had a bad habit of downplaying her own injuries, physical or mental. "Worried about my family, but...y'know, fine." She shifted a bit as she untied the knot in the sling, then pulled it off. "You hear anything from your mother?"

Shepard shook his head. "What about you?"

"Nothing yet," she said, sighing. "I'm sure they're okay. It just sucks. The waiting, I mean."

"Yeah," he agreed. "It does."

"So about the Council," Ashley said. "What do they want you to do?"

Shepard leaned back and flung one of his arms along the bench, drumming his fingers on the material. "We're headed to Palaven, one of its moons specifically. The turian Primarch is needed for a war summit between the Council species. They won't help us until Fedorian is at that summit, and even then they refuse until their own borders are safe."

"That's bullshit. No one is safe from the Reapers. There's no way they'll be able to secure their systems."

"Maybe you should tell them that."

"If they don't listen to you, what makes you think they'll listen to me?"

He shrugged. "I didn't say they'd listen. I just said maybe you should try instead of me. Playing politician gets irritating."

"That's why you're the boss, Shepard."

"You could be the boss," he retorted. "Lieutenant-Commander, huh? When did that happen?"

Ashley shook her head and shrugged. "A while ago. It's not important."

"Not important? Ash, aside from me, you're the highest ranking officer on this ship. That's pretty important." She waved a hand as a response and he sighed. "I remember when that would've been a big deal to you."

"It is, but...it just feels a little pointless."

"And why's that?" he asked.

She shrugged again. "I don't know. It just does. It's not like the last three years of my life have been deserving of it. I killed Alliance personnel."

"Anderson saved your ass."

"I know," she said quietly.

"Maybe the Alliance is trying to make up for the shit they gave you and your family," Shepard decided. "It's happened before."

Ashley just shrugged. That was the third time since they walked in. She wasn't interested in the conversation, and Shepard didn't blame her. He did just grab the first topic that came to mind. The first one that didn't involve the Reapers, anyway.

Shepard let out a breath. "All right. What was that about back in the airlock?"

"Nothing. I just don't want to run in circles while the Reapers slaughter innocent people."

"Way to be blunt."

"Well..."

He shook his head and waved a hand to keep the conversation from going downhill. "No, no. I agree with you, Ash, but that's not the way I would've worded it."

"You wouldn't have been so straight to the point."

"Not today, no. One sentence can't convey how pissed off I am with our situation," Shepard said. "Organic life will be utterly destroyed if the Council doesn't help us build this weapon, but they're more concerned with defending their star systems. If they'd seen what happened to Earth, it wouldn't be like this."

"Yeah it would," Ashley said. "Not unless they saw it first-hand. It's easy to disassociate horrors happening around the galaxy if they don't affect you."

"Speaking from experience?"

"No."

He frowned. "Are you sure you're all right?"

Ashley gave him another sideways look, arching one of her brows incredulously. "Are you?"

"My head wasn't—"

She cut him off. "That's not what either of us were talking about."

Shepard's mouth thinned into a line. Ashley was more perceptive than she gave herself credit for. "I'll get over it."

"That's a bit hypocritical, isn't it?" she retorted. "You're the one that told me no one just 'gets over it' and that I needed help. What the hell is this? Don't give me that bullshit, Commander."

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "How many times have we had this conversation?"

"Five times, all because you're stubborn and refuse to admit you're not infallible. I can recite each one perfectly if you—"

"That's enough, Ash."

She eyed him before getting to her feet. "Y'know, there's nothing wrong with admitting you're hurting. It's human."

"Going somewhere?" he asked, trying for a topic change. If they'd already had this discussion five times, there wasn't any need for a sixth. Especially if they all ended the same way. Shepard didn't want Ashley reciting an entire conversation from memory either. That was just weird.

"To get aspirin," she said. "When I got back to Earth, the Alliance removed enough implants from Cerberus to fund a small army. I used to think I got headaches a lot, but now hardly a day goes by when one doesn't pop up."

Shepard stood as well, following her across the room where her things seemed to be piled. That same tan backpack she got when they first set foot on the Citadel, an Alliance duffel bag. He could've reprimanded her for having more gear than what could fit in a footlocker, but he imagined she'd go off to get one just to prove him wrong.

"So what all did they do to you?" Shepard fished.

"Aside from the obvious?" She threw a pill bottle back at him and he caught it. Aspirin, exactly like she promised. "Not much. I spent a week in an interrogation room before a psychiatrist cleared me. Then it was off to a lab where they could evaluate what implants could be removed. Spent a week and a half there, probably would've been longer if so many weren't as vital as they are. The last two weeks were just tests. Cataloguing blood samples and brain activity, I guess." Ashley shrugged and got to her feet, taking the bottle from him. "They managed to get the control chip out of my head, though. Not all bad."

"That's why you get headaches?"

"From the best I can tell," she replied. "Sometimes I'll see these little black spots starting and I'll go blind for a bit. Whatever causes it is something on my end. Mental, not physical. The doctors can't find anything wrong with me, and besides, if there was anything wrong, it would've healed by now."

"Like a defense mechanism," Shepard assumed. "It only happens when you see something that might trigger a bad memory, right?"

"Not even then. Most of the time it's just random."

"So this could be a problem if you're out with me in a combat zone."

Ashley shook her head. "I've got a pretty good grasp of myself, Skipper. Doesn't happen during fights."

"You've...tested that?"

"Ask Trakes."

"What the hell did the Alliance have you doing?"

"Hunting Cerberus," Ashley said quickly. "Trakes was stuck with me to act like...I don't know, a handler, I guess. Kinda like Leng back when I was with Cerberus, but less, uh...sadistic. And I was in charge, so..." She trailed off with a shrug. "What about you? Heard you went and got a couple thousand batarians killed."

Shepard snorted. "The Reapers would've gotten through a lot sooner if I hadn't."

"More like 300,000," Ashley mused. "I don't like batarians, but no one deserves to be left for the Reapers." She shuddered. "You see those things the Reapers turned them into? They cannibalize other Reaper troops."

"Be that as it may, I did what I had to do."

"I'm not judging you, Commander. I understand why it had to be done."

"So did the Alliance," he said. "And look what that got me. Stuck in detention for six months."

She was eyeing him again. "It's bothering you, isn't it?"

"Everything I do bothers me," Shepard said. "Got my unit killed, got you killed, got hundreds of thousands of innocent batarians turned into monsters, lost Earth. I don't know what I did to piss someone off so much, but whoever's pulling my strings needs to cut me some slack."

The corner of her mouth was quirked in a small smile. She was laughing at him. What the hell? "You're the exact same guy you were on Virmire."

Both of his brows shot up. "What?"

"You try to act tough," Ashley said, waving a hand dismissively over her shoulder as she headed back towards the sofa. "Making the right decisions despite yourself. You just cover it up now."

"Letting my emotions get in the way of my duty is a problem."

"Really?"

Shepard returned the stare. She was still smirking at him, but it was more muted now. He was fighting to keep a straight face as he nodded. The conversation reminded him of something he'd bought at the hospital earlier and he fished in the large pocket on his hip for it, saying, "In a lot of aspects, anyway. Nobody's perfect. Speaking of which..." He pulled a small book out of the mess of things in the pocket before crossing the room. "I picked this up for you. Figured it could keep you entertained for all of five seconds."

Ashley frowned as she took it from him. "An hour."

"Huh?"

"It would take me an hour to read this," she said.

Shepard almost laughed, but shook his head instead. "That's not the point. Open it." He waited, somewhat impatiently, for her to process the words printed onto the cover page. Back when they were gunning for the Collectors, Shepard would tease her about her forgotten love of poetry and how he always meant to pick something up for her even though a lot of the poems she'd read were on the extranet. It had been a joke, yes, but when the opportunity presented itself, it wasn't one Shepard could pass up. Not when Sirta had a collection of Alfred Tennyson's poems on sale. They had a bottle of whiskey there too, but he wasn't bringing it back to the ship to hold on to. He'd put it on hold for Kaidan; he planned to grab it when the major was actually conscious and capable of drinking something other than water.

"I made sure _Ulysses_ was in there," Shepard explained.

Ashley simply nodded, thumbing slowly enough through the pages that it was almost reverent. That book had to be older than both of them combined, so he didn't even know how it had made its way to the Citadel. Books were hardly used when humanity first set foot on Mars; now they were all but nonexistent. Finding a book in general was difficult. Finding one full of old poems from Earth? Shepard was lucky.

Unfortunately, Ashley wasn't the same person she used to be, and knowing if she'd like it or not was anyone's guess. It had been a shot in the dark on Shepard's part.

"That's okay, right?"

She closed it carefully, looked up at him, and _laughed._ Laughed hard enough she practically fell onto the couch, hard enough she was crying. Shepard scratched the back of his head, confused, but was finding it difficult to not smirk, embarrassed or not.

It took her a moment to get the laughter out of her system, and even then all she really managed to do was suppress it into little fits of giggling. Shepard snorted a laugh of his own the first time she did that; giggling definitely did not seem like something Ashley would do. It was funny in its own right, but he couldn't find it in himself to laugh at her. He still felt a little awkward.

Ashley got back on her feet after setting the book aside, ran both hands down her face. She laughed again, once before letting her arms fall back to her sides. Her face was red.

"Am I missing something?" he asked.

She snorted another laugh as she shook her head. Briefly, she pressed her lips to his. He barely had the chance to register it before she'd already pulled away, wrapping her arms around him instead. "God, I missed you."

A smile broke through his confused expression. It wasn't really an answer to either of his questions, but he doubted Ashley would've hugged him if he'd upset her. Rather than ruin the moment, Shepard hugged her back and buried his face in her shoulder, letting out a shaky breath. Saying he missed her would be an understatement. Part of him hadn't expected her to have made it off Earth, let alone make it off on the _Normandy._ If he was being perfectly honest with himself, Shepard didn't even expected to get out of Vancouver alive either.

Words didn't cover what he was feeling. The stress and relief of the last several hours came crashing down on him, and despite how ridiculous it felt, Shepard laughed. He tightened his grip on her, eliciting a grunt of surprise, but he didn't care.

"I take it you missed me too?"

"That doesn't cover it," he admitted.

Ashley laughed and hugged him as tightly as someone could with one arm, though he did feel her fingers running down his back. It was oddly relaxing, even through his uniform, even past the fact that it must've hurt with her broken wrist.

Shepard couldn't express how good it felt to see her again. If there was one good thing to come of his shitty day, it was this, their brief, secretive little thing that somehow their friends knew about. But without it ever being reported, Shepard couldn't care less what people thought of them. He was just glad he had someone who would always do their best to understand.


	64. Chapter 64

Ashley trusted Shepard, there wasn't any denying that, and she would always stand behind his decisions, but if there was one sure way to piss her off, it was leaving her on the ship. It wasn't even leaving her on the _Normandy_ that pissed her off; it was leaving her on the _Normandy_ because Reapers were involved with the mission. Granted, Ashley could understand why he did it. The last time he'd seen her anywhere near a Reaper, she was a panicky mess of nerves hardly capable of thinking. And that was from a single, half-finished carcass. Menae was sure to be worse.

She took Earth in stride, though. Not once had she even been tempted to shoot Kaidan, Trakes, or James in the back. Not even Shepard when she saw him in the cargo hold. Ashley had a good grip on her mental faculties, but the Commander was skeptical. And while it might irritate her, she could understand being restricted to the ship. That didn't, however, mean she had to like it.

To her face, Shepard had said it was because of her injuries—a fractured skull and a broken wrist. Those had healed, though. Almost as if to prove a point, she flexed her hand and rolled her wrist, and stared directly at the overhead light. Perfectly fine.

Ashley stopped her pacing and took several deep, concentrated, breaths. This was exactly why she had been left behind. On a normal day, she'd understand and even happily sit the mission out. Right now, her temper was nagging away at her self-control. Shepard left her here to keep his team safe and to make sure Joker didn't do anything stupid. By all rights, he'd basically promoted her to be his Executive Officer, but it wasn't in the systems, and Ashley felt like she was losing her mind.

Frustrated, she dropped onto the sofa and glared at the protective shield covering the window. That didn't do anything to ease her tension, but forcing herself to relax might actually make her do just that. Relaxing might go a long way to help her regain control of herself. The last seven hours had been nonstop combat and moving, and as much as she refused to admit it, Ashley could use some sleep. Being anywhere near Reapers exhausted her, but she hadn't stopped after Earth. As soon as they pulled away from Menae, if she wasn't already out, she'd be out shortly thereafter.

After getting back up and pacing some more, Ashley grabbed the gift from Shepard and retreated to the furthest corner of the room. She flopped down on her back, flipping lazily (but carefully) through the pages of the small book. It was old; the publication date said as much. Hundred and fifty years old. That was older than Liara. Not by much, but it was.

Ashley didn't stifle the urge to flip back to the front. When she first opened the book, she'd been so focused on figuring out what it was to pay much attention to Shepard's neat block letters.

 _For the best girl a guy could hope for. Love you. –Shepard_

She read that several times. A stupid little grin snuck up on her before she decided to put the book down. Typically, Ashley's thoughts wandered in moments like those, wandered right past whatever she was feeling and left her more analytical than anything. It wasn't exactly fair to Shepard, let alone herself, and after talking with the Commander on a more...personal level, Ashley was, unfortunately, usually left in a sour mood because of it. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't help it. Every fiber of her being wanted to study his words and his motives, and that abandoned everything and anything else to the dust.

The problem was, she felt. That was, in essence, the entire problem right there. Cerberus had taken away every emotion she had ever felt and erased it. They took her memories, took her feelings, took everything, and learning to function with them wasn't always easy. Sure, for a time it had been. Ashley had quickly become devoted to Shepard's mission and threw herself into whatever work she could find back on the Cerberus ship, and it did wonders on helping her function. Then it collapsed all over again, right after the panic she felt when Kai Leng drove his sword through Shepard's stomach.

Ashley's fist clenched as she brought it up to her forehead. Deep breaths. She hadn't had problems like this in nearly a year. Whatever progress she had made when they were gunning for the Collectors had fallen away in a matter of hours. And, literally, all it had taken was Shepard caring for her. Ashley couldn't handle it. Back when she'd had more control of her mental facilities? Yeah, Ashley had even been able to focus on something other than what Shepard might be trying to get out of her. Now, with Reapers running rampant across the galaxy? Nope. Now all she could do was focus on his motives again, despite having that one glorious moment where she had given in to the emotions creeping up on her.

 _Fuck, I'm a mess,_ she thought. _This is right about when I'd head for the bar. If I could actually get drunk and forget this shit._ For several minutes, Ashley just laid there and swore silently to herself, glaring at the ceiling.

She was supposed to be better off after the Alliance took her back. They were supposed to help. And yeah, they had, but one, maybe two, months of extensive therapy wasn't going to get anyone past what Cerberus had done to her. The Illusive Man had worked hard to destroy the basic functions of any human within her, and then replaced it with implants to augment whatever Reaper tech she'd been exposed to. Coping with feeling happy was hard enough, but getting all starry-eyed with Shepard? That was a whole different level of mind fuckery.

If Ashley was being completely honest with herself, for a long time she'd thought her feelings for Shepard were exactly that—mind fuckery. She didn't understand any of it, and yet he had been so relaxed and relieved to see her that it caused her physical pain, pain she wasn't supposed to feel. The few times Ashley had given up and stopped thinking had ended...good. They left her smiling and happy, but that voice always lingered.

 _What if it's a lie?_

It wasn't a damn lie and she knew it. Much like herself, Shepard wasn't the type to lie. Not once in all the time she knew him did he use people's feelings to his advantage. He was honest and up front with someone, if a little nervous and dancing, but honest. It was one of the reasons she tried to stifle that incessant whispering. Shepard had mattered to her before, and nothing about him had changed. He put up with her despite her problems and stuck by her side, and while at first it had felt like an obligation for her to do the same, now it only felt natural.

Felt. Ashley hated the word. Ashley hated feeling in general, though. It messed with Cerberus' over analytical ass lying on the sofa right now. Made her life complicated. If she hadn't gotten caught up thinking, she might've fallen asleep.

Ashley reached past her head for the coffee table, closing her fingers around the leather-bound book. She set it on her abdomen before tucking her arms under her head, letting out a tired breath. Her agitated grumbling had relaxed her, surprisingly enough, but not quite to the point where she was ready for sleep. Just enough that her irritated grumbling became a little less focused, a little less irritated, and a little more comforting.

Poems. Ashley used to be able to lose herself in the words for hours, especially if her father was reading to her. Shepard knew that. He knew _Ulysses_ had been her dad's favorite poem, and in turn, hers. He made sure it was even in the book before buying it, then proceeded to write a little note in it for her. Ashley's brain cringed and her heart melted all at once, and it wasn't a good feeling. If anything, it made her want to scream. It was ridiculous.

 _Then stop over thinking it,_ she told herself. Shepard cared about her, end of story. Ashley could live with that. She obviously felt something too, but whatever it was, her head wouldn't let her think about. Not when Reapers were slaughtering people.

Once, Ashley had thought it was love. It probably was. But coupled with a mind that never stopped going and the constant agitation the Reapers brought, she hadn't been able to catch that earlier. Not really. Shepard got her a book filled with Tennyson's poems because he "figured it was time to stop joking around and actually do it." In a way, it was similar to Kaidan having Liara hunt down her old dog tags. They put more effort into helping her pick up the pieces of her life than she did.

But the fact that her brain didn't automatically redirect its worried thoughts about Alenko told her how deep she was in it with Shepard.

"Sleep," she told herself, firmly believing that she would be capable of thinking straight once the _Normandy_ had cleared Menae.

Someone laughed. "Talking about sleep...in your sleep?"

Ashley jumped as her eyes snapped open. She was sleeping? She didn't even remember falling asleep. Good lord, she was losing her mind.

"Hey," she managed, rubbing her eyes.

"You can't start a conversation any other way?" Shepard teased.

Ashley groused, "You can't end one without saying, 'I should go,' so..."

He cracked a smirk. "I do it all the time, thanks."

She stifled a yawn and looked around the observation deck, noting the cleared viewport. They must've gotten past the warzone. But then...? How long had she been out? "How long were you watching me?"

Shepard shrugged. "Only a couple minutes. You said 'fuck' a lot, though. Looked pretty upset too. Bad dreams?"

Ashley hesitated, flicking her gaze back to his before nodding. "More like an existential crisis."

The corner of his mouth turned back up in that stupid little grin of his. Ashley had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling back, and she could've laughed. Part of her hoped most of that was a nightmare. Sitting up told her the book was still where she left it on the coffee table, so she _had_ been asleep for a large portion, if not all, of the thoughts swimming through her head. Ashley doubted all of it had been a dream, though. She couldn't be that lucky.

"You're younger than I am," Shepard said. "You shouldn't be having an existential crisis."

"You'd probably laugh anyway."

One of his brows shot up. "Try me."

Before she could back out, Ashley said, "I was dreaming about you. And then my brain decided it wasn't okay to have feelings and I wanted to have feelings, and yeah...existential crisis."

Shepard snorted a laugh and shook his head. "You have some weird dreams."

"No weirder than what I usually get," Ashley said absentmindedly. "So...what's going on? Why are you down here?"

He nodded towards the door. "We got the Primarch. Fedorian was, unfortunately, dead, but his successor was already on Menae. We're headed for our next destination now, though it'll be some time before we even hit the relay to get out of the system."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"Oh, yeah. Garrus is back," Shepard said casually. "He was down on the moon, decided fighting with us would be more useful than waving a gun at a giant destroyer. Can't really say I blame him on that note. I wouldn't want to stick around if I felt useless either." He shook his head as his expression started to fall. "Anyway, we were going to hit the mini bar across the deck with Liara. You in?"

She blinked. Getting Garrus on the team must've done wonders for him, or he was compartmentalizing extremely well. Ashley hadn't expected him to be so...calm when he got back. Just another reason her nightmare was confusing. She remembered being worried before she'd started that frustrated pacing earlier. Worried about Shepard getting back in one piece. There was some validity to that dream; she _did_ have a tendency to dismiss her feelings (and yet, they somehow managed to dictate just about everything she did regardless of that).

"Ash? You in or not?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I'm coming."

Shepard grinned and stood, brushing his hands off on his cargo pants. "Glad to hear it. I don't think I could handle both Garrus and Liara teasing me all at once." Ashley swung her legs over the side of the couch and joined him. Once she finished straightening out her uniform, she reached back to pull her hair up, and was keenly aware of Shepard's eyes following every little move she made. "I like it when you leave your hair down."

Ashley's eyebrows shot up so fast she thought they might fly off her head. "You do?"

He was frowning, but he nodded. "It...suits you."

"...It suits me?"

"Um...yes?"

"I wear my hair up all the time and you tell me you like it down."

Shepard scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "It's different. I-in a good way, I mean." He laughed awkwardly. "On second thought, forget I said anything."

Ashley nodded, dead serious. Or at least, pretending to be. "Of course, sir. My lips are sealed."

"I'm not sure how I feel about that."

She couldn't help letting out a small smile. Whatever had been wrong with her earlier was gone, so if there really was a problem again, she wouldn't know until they found themselves near Reapers again.

"Suspicious, probably."

"Probably," he agreed, standing aside. "Ladies first."

Ashley tried to refrain from rolling her eyes, but failed. All that did was make him laugh again, amused, and she walked past without another word. He followed her onto the deck, past the memorial wall, and into the portside observation deck. The other two were already there, Garrus taking up a position behind the bar as the door slid shut behind them.

"You see EDI yet?" Garrus asked when she sat. "Joker's probably crying."

Ashley glanced at Shepard as he took the seat between her and Liara, and his head shook. "Nah, she was dreaming about sleep."

She kicked him gently, but his face still contorted into an odd expression. Not as gentle as she tried to be. "I was trying to get some sleep before we touch down again. What's up with EDI?"

"She's...in Dr. Coré's body," Liara commented, staring straight ahead.

Ashley frowned as Shepard coughed. "What do you mean 'in'?"

"Exactly what I said."

Her frown deepened, but she decided against asking more about EDI. It would just make her head hurt. Ashley didn't need to deal with more headaches, especially those that could be avoided.

"Shepard left you in command of the ship while he was groundside?" Garrus asked, mercifully switching topics. Ashley just shrugged in response, but it seemed to be bothering the turian. "If you'd been on a turian ship, you could be killed for sleeping on duty."

"It's been a long day," Shepard said. "And aside from what happened with EDI, the ship handled just fine without Ash mothering it."

"I don't think Traynor would be thrilled to have me on the bridge shouting orders anyway," Ashley admitted.

"Why's that? Did your stellar personality get the better of you again?"

Ashley locked eyes with Garrus and ignored Liara's jab. "We have ryncol back there, right?"

Shepard snorted a laugh, shaking his head, to stop Garrus from pulling it out. He must not have believed it was there, because as soon as Garrus set it on the bar, Shepard's eyes went wide. Unopened, big enough bottle for a krogan. That was exactly why the Alliance stocked it; Shepard had a bad habit of recruiting krogan, and then not having the right kind of alcohol for them.

"No," he said flatly. Garrus paused, looked between Shepard and Ash. "You're not drinking ryncol before a mission. That shit'll fuck you up."

Ashley arched a brow. "Thirty credits says I can finish the bottle and be ready to go by the time we get there."

Garrus chuckled, but the Commander still shook his head. "You know what? Fine. But I'm dragging you off the _Normandy_ to deal with the consequences."

"There won't be any consequences."

"Just because you don't get drunk doesn't mean you won't feel like crap after ryncol."

Garrus passed her a glass and the bottle.

"You don't make very many wise decisions, do you?" Liara asked, eyeing the brown liquid now sloshing around in the cup.

"Nope," Ashley replied. She waited for Shepard to get a glass of whatever Garrus fished out for him and T'Soni, and then propped her elbow up on the island. "So what do you say, Skipper? Is it a bet?"

Shepard sighed, ran a hand down his face. "You're really going to do it?"

"Hell yes."

"Down that first one and we have a bet," he said, nodding.

Ashley knocked it back, no problem. It tasted like shit and made her throat burn, but after waiting several seconds, she didn't feel anything. "That's it?"

"Holy shit."

"I've seen krogan go down from drinking that."

"I'm starting to think she's gonna win that bet, Commander," Garrus said.

Shepard blinked, nodded, and shook his head all in the span of two seconds. "Ash, you want thirty credits, you can have 'em. Don't actually finish that."

She laughed. "It tastes like ass."

"You've said that about everything when we've gone out drinking," he said.

Ashley shrugged and put the cap back on the bottle before sliding it over to Garrus. Once he had it stashed away again, he filled her glass with the whiskey he'd given Shepard. "Yeah, well the last time we went out drinking, I wasn't implanted with Reaper tech."

"The last time the four of us went drinking, you spent an hour and a half raving about Spider-Man with Kaidan," Garrus supplied.

"Don't remind her!" Shepard hissed.

Ashley arched a brow when he swallowed his entire glass in one go. "Why not? I thought it was cute."

Liara outright laughed at Shepard's sputtering. Ashley just smirked triumphantly.

"You're both in the Alliance. Aren't there rules against fraternization?" Garrus asked. His mandibles flared, moving to make what the turians would consider a frown.

"No rules against making Shepard blush, though."

"Ash, stop. Just...just stop."

She stifled a laugh.

"In our fleet, fraternization is, uh...encouraged," Garrus continued. "Especially before missions. Any chance we could die, and the officers expect us to blow off steam."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Shepard demanded.

Ashley eyed him over the rim of her glass. Garrus looked about as innocent as a turian could look, but there was a glint of amusement in his eye. "Pretty sure he is."

Shepard's face reddened a bit more as he said, "I'll do what I want, when I want to do it, thanks." Ashley scoffed and started to make a half-hearted comeback, but Shepard elbowed her. "No more sex jokes."

"That'd be the first time I ever heard a guy say that."

Shepard groaned. "Please?"

She sighed. "Only because you asked so nicely."

He let out a breath of relief. "Thank. God." Ashley stifled another laugh as he said, "Fill it back up, Garrus. I'm gonna need a lot more if I'm going to survive this conversation."

Smirking felt easier. It felt _good,_ and dammit, Ashley wasn't going to question it if her mind stopped running. The dream had been exactly that, a dream, and it didn't belong at the forefront of her mind. Not now, not while she was with her friends. This wasn't the time to worry about what might happen if she got caught around the Reapers again.

"I live for the day we can sit somewhere and not have to worry about Reapers," Ashley said.

"You're not the only one," Liara agreed.

Ashley tried not to laugh. Back when they'd gone after the Shadow Broker, Ashley had been sure she hated the asari. Sitting here, though, she was just as sure that was her irritation from being sidetracked off the Collectors...mixed with her shitty temper. She didn't remember hating Liara; she remembered eyeing the way T'Soni would always be up Shepard's ass. She remembered being jealous, and that alone was enough to make her chuckle at herself. It was stupid and pathetic. Ashley was better than that.

Shepard raised his glass. "To the end of the war."

 _Even though it's only just beginning._


	65. Chapter 65

The sound of boots on the floor snapped Ashley's attention from the datapad to the officer now sitting across from her. Samantha Traynor, Comm Specialist. Ashley had an accidental streak of scaring the woman shitless since boarding, and while it nagged at her, she also had no reason to attempt to correct it. Virtually no one on the crew knew the real reason she was even alive, and the Alliance personnel still gave her her distance. Shepard, they trusted. Ashley, they avoided. It was a difference in personalities, one she was in no hurry to rectify.

Ashley returned her gaze to the datapad, scrolling through various news reports on the damage Earth had taken. Vancouver, London, New York, Cairo, Beijing. They'd been hit hard. Thankfully, none of the major cities the Reapers seemed to be focused on were in Maine. Even though she hadn't heard from them, Ashley had hopes her family was safe.

"Ma'am," Traynor said carefully. Her accent was heavy.

She resisted the urge to sigh. Of course Traynor would be looking for her. The woman, like the rest of the crew, avoided her unless absolutely necessary. It seemed to be something they all agreed on, and it had only been a day and a half since they boarded. "Can I help you?"

"EDI said you have experience decrypting Cerberus transmissions," Traynor continued.

Ashley paused as she reached for her coffee, frowning. Samantha seemed to tense with each move Ashley made, and as amusing as it might be, it was pointless. "I'm not going to do anything to you, Specialist."

"No, ma'am. I-I know," she stuttered. "I-it's just... I know what happened to Commander Shepard to bring him back to the Alliance. You just...reappeared in the systems."

"And that's the way I like it," Ashley retorted. "Relax, Traynor. If I was going to pummel you, I would've done it by now."

Samantha visibly forced herself to relax. That time, Ashley couldn't help cracking an amused smirk. It seemed to help the other woman anyway, so it was a win. "Yes, ma'am."

"And stop calling me that. I'm off-duty." Traynor opened her mouth to say something, but thought better of it and nodded. "So what is it? Something about Cerberus?"

She nodded again, eyes trailing Ashley's hand as she went back for her coffee. The urge to roll her eyes was overwhelming; Ashley worked to stifle it as she sipped a mouthful of her drink. Scalding hot, probably. It had gone straight from the pot to the mug, and there had barely been any time between that and now. Either way, Ashley couldn't tell. She was too occupied frowning at the one packet of sugar that had made the coffee too sweet.

"After calling the diplomats aboard the ship, I diverted my effort to going through any transmissions passing through the area. The system flagged one as Cerberus, but..."

"But they changed the way they route the info through the comm buoys."

"Uh, yes, ma—" Ashley arched a brow and Traynor cut herself off. "Yes," she repeated. "EDI said you might...'enjoy' the opportunity to do something other than stare out a window?"

Ashley nearly choked on her coffee. "God, I hate her."

"Crew morale is best kept—"

"Thank you, EDI," she interrupted, running a hand down her face.

"I fail to see what it is I have done wrong," the AI said.

Ashley sighed and set the datapad aside. "Nothing." She got to her feet, grabbing her things, and nodded for Traynor to follow her. The specialist eyed her nervously before standing, mirroring Ashley as she made her way back to the observation deck. Setting her things aside, Ash went for her equipment and dug out the container with her bypass programs. They were virtually useless to her anyway; Ashley had all of them memorized, but rarely the time to type them in manually. It wasnt like she'd be using them anytime soon.

"Here," she said, holding it out for Traynor to take. "They're labelled."

"What are they?"

"Encryption keys," Ashley explained. "Cerberus, turian Blackwatch, asari commandos... You name it, it's in there."

Traynor eyed it just as suspiciously as she eyed Ashley a moment before. "Just what exactly were you doing before you rejoined the Alliance?"

"A lot of things I'm not proud of," she answered.

Traynor hesitated, and then asked, "Like what?"

Ashley swallowed. Recovering meant talking about it without cringing. It meant not allowing it to bother her, accepting it and moving on with her life. That didn't mean it was easy, but that's what it was. Or at least, that's the way Ashley interpreted it.

"I worked for Cerberus." Her fist clenched, but she forced the muscles to relax. "The Illusive Man, specifically."

Traynor's eyes went wide. "And the Alliance took you back? _Why_?"

"I ask myself that everyday," Ashley said, snorting. Samantha blinked, confused, and she waved a hand dismissively, turning to one of the couches to sit. "No, it's...it's a long story. Not a pretty one."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Now it was her turn to be wary of Traynor. Ashley's eyes narrowed on the comm specialist and she shifted on her feet awkwardly, fiddling with the plastic case in her hands. "Just a few minutes ago I terrified you. What's with...that? This?"

"If the Commander is going to be giving you the deck when he's groundside, I need to trust you," Traynor said. Her tone was surprisingly flat, forceful. "It might help if I knew why you always looked like you were going to throttle me."

Ashley scoffed and reverted her attention to the window. "It's not personal. I look at Shepard like that and he's...a good friend." As soon as the words left her mouth, she knew she was screwed. Ashley wasn't honest because she wanted to be; it was a compulsion, and the only way she was getting out of that one would be evading whatever Traynor came up with.

Traynor smiled uneasily, but sat beside her. Granted, it was at a distance, but it was better than nothing. "I'm getting the feeling there's more to it than that."

"That's against regs," Ashley said, dodging the question.

"It hasn't stopped people before."

"It's supposed to."

"So what you mean is you _wish_ it stopped you."

Ashley shot her a glare, but refused to give a verbal response. It didn't seem to matter. Traynor laughed anyway, and while Ashley was glad _someone_ had relaxed enough around her to do that, she didn't like the way it came about. Garrus, Liara...it didn't matter if they knew what was going on between her and Shepard. They wouldn't report it. Trakes knew, but he had yet to say anything, and the same went for Kaidan.

Thinking of him made her chest ache. Kaidan was a good friend, her best friend. The bastard had gone and gotten himself hurt, and was still unconscious as far as she knew. Ashley hoped he'd recover. This was his fight too.

"One word, Traynor," Ashley snapped. "One word, and—"

"I'll regret it."

"Aren't you on duty?"

"With the commanding officer otherwise engaged, you are as well, ma'am."

"Ashley," she corrected. "My name is Ashley."

Traynor shrugged helplessly and got back up, headed for the door. "You're on duty, ma'am."

Ashley grunted. "I'm not the executive officer."

"Systems say you are."

Another grunt, but she got up anyway to follow Traynor to the elevator. Her eyes locked on the name plate still plastered to the _Normandy's_ memorial wall and she glowered. "Didn't I ask you to get me a screwdriver the other day?"

Traynor pulled it out of her pocket. "Forgot why I had that, actually."

"God, I hate this ship." Ashley accepted the screwdriver and tucked it into her own pocket, making a mental note to get that plaque down once her shift was over.

"Then why'd you come here?"

Ashley jammed her finger into the button. "Because if anyone's going to stop the Reapers, it's Shepard, and I'm not letting him march off into an army of them without me there." Traynor was actually smirking and she added, "It's my job to keep his ass straightened out."

"Of course, Lieutenant-Commander."

"I liked this ship better when the crew left me alone," Ashley groused.

Traynor stepped onto the lift after her, saying, "You're not going to be left alone, ma'am. Not when it's your ship."

"Let me be more specific. I liked the _Normandy_ better before it got blown up. How's that?"

"Wait, what? You were...?"

"I wasn't killed when it blew up if that's what you're asking."

Traynor frowned as the doors closed. "Then how?"

"I set off a bomb," Ashley said. "Managed to get into a bunker before it went off. Cerberus found me, brought me back, and indoctrinated me. Tried to. They're not as bright as they'd have you believe."

"Wa—" Traynor's eyes widened and she reverted her gaze to the wall ahead of them. "Oh. _Oh._ Okay then. I'm, uh...sorry I asked?"

"It was bound to come out sooner or later," Ashley grumbled.

"And you still trust Shepard after that?"

"Traynor, if there's one thing you'll learn about me, it's that my brand of stupidity is a special one."

"Uh...yes, ma'am."

That was getting on her nerves. Trakes did it too, calling her "ma'am" all the time, but the difference was, it was intentional. He did it _to_ annoy her. She was getting the impression Traynor just did it because she felt awkward, nervous maybe. It was hard to be mad about something like that, but Ashley could put the effort into it. She was sure if she tried hard enough, she could end up despising Traynor by the time Shepard was done meeting with the diplomats.

When the elevator rolled to a stop, Ashley stepped off and headed for the cockpit, blatantly refusing to continue any sort of conversation with Specialist Traynor. Joker might be irritating, but she could handle his snark. She didn't have the energy to deal with a totally new person.

Ashley leapt the three stairs between the CIC and the bridge. Glancing to her left, she saw the darker gray paint layered into the Alliance insignia, and she sighed. Cerberus took that, plastering their logo everywhere, from the Alliance. It annoyed her on both ends, but then again, what didn't annoy her anymore?

The door hissed as she stepped into the cockpit. Joker spun around, but groaned when he saw hee there. "I was expecting Shepard."

"Sorry to disappoint you," Ashley retorted. "How're things up here?"

"You both always ask me that," he groused. "If I was having a problem, don't you think I'd say something? What are you up here for anyway? Isn't it your job to, like...I don't know, maintain the armory or something?"

"Commander Shepard has promoted Commander Williams to be the _Normandy's_ executive officer," EDI said.

Joker groaned again. "I liked the ship when you couldn't give me orders."

"Yeah, me too," Ashley replied, walking further into the flight deck.

"Really? Don't you like giving orders?" he quipped.

"I like being left alone."

"Boo-hoo, sucks for you," Joker said before he turned back to his controls. "You know, most people would be proud of a promotion. Sadly, that means I'm stuck with you during missions."

"Not if I have anything to say about it."

"Thank. God."

"Are you trying to get on my nerves?" she demanded.

He pinched two fingers together and held them up. "A little bit. It's not working, is it?"

"No."

Joker waved a hand in defeat, saying, "Damn, and I was hoping to get some time to myself. Plus my copilot."

That was the first time Ashley even looked in EDI's direction, swiping through system readings faster than even she could. Exactly as promised, the AI was now in control of Coré's synthetic body, and Ashley had to admit, it sent off warning bells. Not because Ashley didn't trust EDI, but because the last time she saw that thing, it nearly killed her. Damn near killed Kaidan too. Getting used to seeing it and thinking of it as EDI might take a while.

"Sorry to disappoint," she repeated, crossing her arms.

Ashley stepped past both Joker and EDI, allowing her eyes to travel to the viewports and the diplomatic ships drifting just out of range. She recognized the salarian style as the closest, with the turians about as far away as they could manage. The _Normandy's_ commanding officer might be a Spectre, but the rest of the crew, herself included, was Alliance. Even with the numerous treaties in effect, relations between humanity and the Hierarchy were still strained.

She made a noise in her throat. Humans blamed that collectively on her grandfather. If _anyone_ had the right to blame him for Shanxi, it was her family, and her family alone.

In the very back of her mind, something clicked. Her last conversation with the Illusive Man. Barely, just barely, he'd hinted at a more personal connection to her family than she had caught on to. It had been months since the SR-2 had let them off on Virmire, but she remembered it. Coupled with the fact it had been at the forefront of her mind on the way through the elevator with Traynor, she was surprised she hadn't made the connection sooner.

The Illusive Man had been on Shanxi when it fell. He _knew_ her grandfather.

"EDI, I need a favor," Ashley said, turning back around.

"Of course," the AI responded. "What is it?"

"I need you to go back through Alliance records," she said. "Civilian records too, most likely. Track down anyone on Shanxi when the turians raided the settlement. Filter out anyone if they don't have combat training or no history of racism. Look for people who disappeared, dropped off the grid, haven't been heard from since Shanxi fell, whatever. I want their names."

"Now what are you on about?" Joker demanded.

Ashley waved a hand at him. "Look specifically for anyone my grandfather might've associated with before he surrendered the planet."

"It will take some time," EDI reported. "I'll have to dig through several years of transit logs and mission reports."

"That's fine. Just don't miss anyone."

"What. The. Hell. Are. You. Talking about?" Joker repeated, enunciating each syllable.

"The Illusive Man," she said. "He knows my family, or at least my grandfather and me. If I can get Hackett his name, it might give the Alliance some form of leverage before Cerberus can become a problem."

Joker scoffed. "Cerberus is already a problem."

"Then it might stop them from becoming an even bigger problem. I don't know. Any intel we can get is better than nothing."

"And what makes you think you can figure out who the Illusive Man is? He's the _Illusive Man._ No one has been able to track him down since Cerberus formed."

"Yeah, well, no one else knows he was on Shanxi."

"Speaking of that, how the hell do you know that?"

"You remember Virmire, right?"

He threw up his hands. "Of course. Of _course_ it involves that damn planet. You know I had to outrun a goddamn dreadnought and a cruiser? That's not easy!"

Ashley snorted a laugh. "Think of it like another thing to put on your resume. For when you get too old to fly, I mean."

"I will _never_ be too old to fly. You'll get too old to shoot, though. Then what are you gonna do?"

"Be out of a job for one."

Joker laughed. Before he could reply, however, the door to the cockpit opened and Shepard stepped inside. He was in his dress blues, and Ashley wasn't ashamed to admit she stared a little. A lot. If there was one thing Sarah was right about, men _did_ look good in uniform.

Ashley diverted her attention elsewhere. "How'd it go, Commander?"

"We're curing the genophage."

She blinked. Joker was already laughing in disbelief, but when she looked back at Shepard, he was dead serious. He looked a little more than irritated, but serious. She doubted he was irritated from the idea, but more so the politics. Shepard was no politician, and he made that clear every time someone used him like one.

Instead of laughing, Ashley simply asked, "Why?"

"Victus is refusing us the turians' fleets until he has krogan boots on Palaven," Shepard explained. Frustrated. Ashley didn't blame him. She wasn't a trusting person herself, but even she knew when it was time to put aside the petty differences and stand together. Right now, it wasn't the time to complain about past wrongs. "And Wrex refuses to give Victus his men until the genophage is cured."

Wrex? Ashley would have to steer clear of him. If their brief interaction on Tuchanka was any indicator, the krogan clanleader wouldn't be happy to see her.

"What is with everyone always wanting something for you to save their asses?"

Shepard shook his head, sighing. "I don't know. This isn't the time we should be running in circles to fix the krogan. I like Wrex, but..."

"But this is stupid," Ashley surmised.

"Exactly."

"So...you got a plan, Commander?"

Shepard nodded. "Joker, get us to Sur'Kesh. The salarians have krogan females there that are immune to the genophage. We're picking them up."

"Aye aye, sir."

* * *

If Cerberus showed up one more time, Ashley was sure her head would explode out of sheer anger. Shepard had left her to watch Wrex, make sure he and the salarians didn't get into it again (they'd already tried to shoot the krogan once, but that was his own fault), and the damn terrorist bastards showed up to, presumably, keep the Commander from securing the females.

 _Anything to keep the galaxy at war,_ she thought bitterly.

Bullets splattered across the wall behind her and she flinched, pressing herself lower to the ground. A salarian STG agent tried to advance, but before Ashley could shout a warning, he was cut down.

"We need to get back to the shuttle!" she shouted.

Wrex barely spared her a glance, charging past, straight into one of the troopers trying to flank their position. Someone screamed as the krogan's shotgun went off. Ashley didn't think the source of the scream survived.

Across the courtyard, past the lift, Ashley could just barely see Cortez fending off various Cerberus troopers. He had a few salarians with him, but with the Cerberus agents pushing on both sides, pinning her and Wrex and pinning them near the Alliance craft, there wasn't much room for anyone to maneuver. Ashley didn't doubt the salarians' abilities, but their special forces were trained for infiltration and information gathering. Combat was definitely _not_ their strong point.

The instant her Lancer cooled off, she jumped the bench she was hidden behind. She tried to follow Wrex's lead, but– _good God_ –he was everything she feared about krogans, and a biotic to boot. Ashley had been able to outrun Grunt back on the Collector base (just barely), but there was no way she was outdoing Wrex. He didn't have shields anymore, was still taking fire, and hadn't stopped yet.

She doubted that would last for long. Krogans might have freakish regenerative capabilities, but they still had their limits. When one of the engineers went to drop a sentry between them and Cortez, intending to pick off Wrex that way, she lifted her gun and placed a bullet between his eyes. All he did was flinch, however, and when he twisted, she had a split second to shoot the battery pack for his shields. With that taken care of, it freed her to finish him off.

Ashley ran ahead several yards and slid into cover behind a railing, reaching for the oblong shapes on her belt. Inferno grenades. It was originally Cerberus tech, but it may or may not have been "liberated" for the Alliance at some point. She only had to check on Wrex's position before she ducked back down, hit the activation key, and whipped it across the courtyard.

Less than five seconds later, there was an audible bang followed by the trademark crackle of flames. She could smell burning fabric and charred dirt; she hadn't missed.

As she went to continue their slow advance, a trooper flew overhead. He had a faint purple glow—the color of Wrex's biotics. It was nice when the biotics were on her side. She had yet to see one working for Cerberus, but she imagined it wouldn't be fun if she ever did.

Careful to skirt the bloodthirsty krogan's field of view, Ashley crept towards a staircase leading to the platform Cortez was trapped on. Thankfully enough, none of the Cerberus troops had taken refuge there and she was clear until she made it up. Several regulars were keeping their heads low to avoid attracting attention. Unfortunately for them, their backs were exposed. Another grenade took all but two down, and without shields, the survivors weren't any match for her. Their bullets bounced harmlessly off her shields, and just like that, they were gone.

Ashley threw her gun on her back and bolted. There was no way to signal Cortez's salarian allies she was coming, so she'd just have to hope for the best. She stopped behind a planter and waited for a break in the gunfire, watching a salarian with the shuttle collapse in a spurt of blood. Cortez tried to take his place, but even she knew that was suicide. The shuttle pilot had barely stepped up to the plate when he took a shot to the chest and went down.

"Fuck," she hissed.

Down, but not dead. Cortez grabbed his gun and fired from beneath the nose, and she ran, hoping she'd be a better target than the wounded pilot. Ashley's shields were gone almost as soon as she stepped out of cover, but she was fast enough that the only consequence was a grazed shoulder plate. The ceramic cracked; her hard suit would need to spend a couple hours in an armor locker for repairs.

Ashley dove the last couple feet, rolling to a stop beside the pilot. She didn't even ask if he was okay; she locked a hand around his shoulder and dragged him behind the body of the craft, and then slung her backpack to the floor.

"Nice timing," Cortez muttered.

Her eyes flicked to the fallen salarians, but then returned to her backpack. Ashley tossed him the medigel, drew her pistol, and ran around the back of the shuttle. Wrex was grappling with one of the officers, a centurion, but before she could so much as raise her gun, the krogan bashed his head into the man's visor, and then slapped him with a warp.

When he fell, she could see the bluish-purple glow from his dead eyes. Ashley's stomach twisted into disgusted knots. After seeing Grayson, she knew she should've expected this, but seeing the Cerberus trooper on Mars... It had been a shock. A painful, horrified shock. Ashley was grateful the Illusive Man hadn't gotten his hands on her again. She doubted she would be so...free if he had. She doubted she would even exist as more than a shell of what she once was.

Her in-suit alarm drew her back into reality. Shields were gone again, probably at the hand of the advancing guardian. Ashley didn't even bother shooting him. She strode forward while he reloaded his submachine gun and buried a foot in the metal shield he carried, denting it and knocking him off his feet. There was a sickening crunch of bones breaking as he fell. She'd crushed his arm.

While he struggled to recover, Ashley marched up beside his head. Most days, she questioned her own humanity. If she wasn't a human, neither were they, and bashing his face in didn't make her feel guilty whatsoever. Glass shattered with his visor, cutting into his eyes, but he had no chance to scream. He was dead as soon as her boot connected with his nose. The only sound he made was a squelch, blood trickling out the side of the helmet.

Ashley stared at the gory mess. No guilt. She didn't feel much of anything. Cerberus deserved no better than whatever they got. If she felt anything, it was grim satisfaction.

"Let's go!" Cortez shouted.

Her head snapped up as Wrex hopped into the shuttle as it lifted itself off the ground. Ashley started to join them, eyes trailing an incoming Cerberus craft. It hovered several yards off the landing before the hatch opened.

Kai Leng jumped out, landing easily despite the thirty foot drop.

"Get out of here!" she ordered, taking a few steps back. "Go!"

Cortez visibly hesitated before slamming the door shut. The shuttle took off again, and while she expected Leng's to open fire on it, it let them go.

Ashley returned her attention to the Cerberus agent, hand going back for her Lancer as he drew his sword. God only knew why he used that thing when they had guns, but she suspected it had something to do with sadism.

"The Illusive Man said you'd be here."

"Can't disappoint the boss," Ashley remarked sarcastically. "How are those legs, hmm? Finally heal up?"

His jaw tightened at the mention of the injuries Anderson inflicted on him. "You might've been the only one to survive the first round, Williams, but it's nothing compared to what I can do to you now."

"Terrifying. Lemme guess; you're here to bring me back to Cerberus?"

"The Illusive Man insisted."

Ashley locked a hand on the butt of the rifle, pulled it off her back. Leng was going to close the distance as fast as he possibly could, but if she had a chance to use her gun first, she was going to take it.

"Yeah, well... That's not gonna happen."

She could see the corner of his mouth turn up into a smirk. "I was hoping you'd say that."


	66. Chapter 66

**A/N** **: Kinda short compared to the last couple chapters, but I promise the next one will be back to 3,000+ words! Just gotta let you guys know in advance though, this might be the last chapter I update for a bit. My internet access will be spotty at best until the end of the month, so bear with me please! I'll have more chapters up as soon as possible!**

 **Thank you for reading! :D**

* * *

Leng had her on the ground when an alarm went off. Confusion rippled through her past the irrational fear of dying; it was the lift, the one the salarians had used to transport a captive yahg earlier. An indicator light flashed, spinning, as the elevator came up towards the surface.

He drew his sword again, having sheathed it when Ashley managed to get close enough to bury a fist in his gut. He twirled his wrist as he looked past her, trapped under the boot he was pressing into her throat. Ashley's lungs screamed and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to calm her racing heart. Panicking wouldn't get her anywhere right now. A simple twist of his ankle would kill her, and she didn't want to go forcing him to do it.

Leng invariably had orders to take her in alive. The Illusive Man preferred his lab rats to be breathing, but whatever he wanted her for now, she imagined he would be satisfied tearing her lifeless corpse apart too. Cerberus had tried to understand everything that the Reapers had done to her body, and had apparently gotten enough data to replicate the process on others. Except they didn't come out the same as she did. She looked human, acted human, but had all the "perks" of being implanted with Reaper tech. Cerberus' troopers didn't. They looked like monsters.

But Ashley doubted they needed her alive to figure out what was wrong with her. That was, indefinitely, to repay her for all the damage her and Trakes had caused.

He stepped off her throat for a brief second, and while she sucked in a breath, his foot snapped off her jaw, kicking her helmet across the courtyard. She bit her tongue and a coppery warmth filled her mouth. Blood.

The blade of his sword pressed into her cheek. "One step closer, Shepard."

Ashley's eyes sought out a face she couldn't see, but she saw boots. Black. His. White and blue. Liara's and Garrus', respectively.

"Where's the other one? The N7?"

The other two marines ran into view. Ashley could hardly see the difference in the armor colors, but Trakes came sprinting in first. James was right on his heels.

Leng shifted, stepping off her, and she rolled onto her side, coughing as she spit out a mouthful of blood. It tasted horrible, but it wasn't the first time she'd had the sticky liquid fill her mouth. Too many punches to the face, too many stupid openings left. Without it blocking her lungs, Ashley was free to draw in another breath, and good lord, it felt good.

"You're coming with us," Leng said.

"Trakes, don't—"

A foot in her ribs shut her up. One was definitely broken. The others, bruised, maybe cracked. Probably the latter. She _hated_ that.

"Over here, now."

Slowly, carefully, she heard him walk closer. Ashley tried to make herself look away. No part of her wanted to see what Leng did to Trakes, but she couldn't take her eyes off him, off either of them. Trakes' eyes found hers as he marched into view, rifle now slung across his back as he held up his hands in surrender. Past him, Ashley could see the top of the elevator as it slowly made its way into view.

To Trakes' credit, he didn't look scared. He kept his head held high and his expression as straight as possible, save the almost sad smile he shot in her direction.

Leng lifted a hand to his ear. "Send in the shuttles. Get rid of the krogan and Commander Shepard."

He dropped his arm and Ashley felt her heart stop beating. Nothing in the entire galaxy terrified her as much as Leng, and nothing hurt more than watching a friend get hurt...or worse, die.

So when she saw his muscles twitch, she leapt to her feet. She wasn't letting him kill Trakes, and she _refused_ to lay down and die so he could kill Shepard too. Marine or not, nobody should have to see their loved ones die. She'd lost enough friends to this goddamn war already. Trakes was not joining them.

Ashley wasn't sure what happened. The next thing she knew, she was back on the ground, and instead of Leng's visor, she saw Shepard's gray eyes staring at her with concern. Liara was beside him, medigel in hand, and that's when she noticed the blood. Red with flecks of blue, almost purple like always, covering both the asari and her own hands.

Her head fell back against the planter with a groan. Shepard laughed, though it was strained, and it brought a smile to her lips. It felt more like a grimace. Liara rubbed the sticky paste into her ribs, frowning at whatever wound Ashley had sustained. Knowing Leng, she'd probably been stabbed.

"Matching scars, eh Commander?"

Shepard shook his head and looked at the floor. Barely, she could see him smiling. "You're such an idiot."

"You know how it is," she said dismissively, taking a large, shaky breath. "Where's Leng?"

"He split," Shepard answered. "Trakes shot him in the chest, but... I hear he has the same insufferable capacity to get right back up like someone we know."

Ashley cracked an eye open. She hadn't even realized she closed them. "I have no idea what you mean, sir." Liara's fingers dug around in her side and she winced, cringing.

"Sorry," she mumbled. "It's hard getting past the fabric and the plating."

"Here," Shepard offered, extending a hand. "I have a, uh... I've dealt with this before." Liara glanced between them carefully, but deposited the tiny canister of medigel in the Commander's outstretched palm. "Go check on Mordin and the krogan. Have Cortez get them back to the _Normandy_ before picking us up."

Liara nodded and got to her feet, vanishing from Ashley's field of view with a few steps to the side. Her hand had already gone to instinctively cover the injury, but Shepard gently pried her fingers away.

"How's Trakes?" she asked.

"Worried," Shepard said. "He's checking on some salarians with Vega. You saved his ass, y'know."

"That was," Ashley started, hissing in pain when he prodded her side, "the plan, Skipper."

Shepard just nodded absentmindedly, intent on getting the gash covered in medigel before switching to the exit wound on her back. He removed the battery pack for her shields and the magnetic clips for the guns she'd lost, setting them by her hip. Maneuvering herself around with the holes in her body had been painful enough, but he was careful to keep his touch soft. His prodding and poking was painful anyway; Ashley didn't comment, just stared at her bloodied hands.

"You need to stop getting hurt," he said abruptly. "I don't have enough time to worry about you on top of everything else."

"You don't need to worry about me."

"If I don't, then who will? It's obvious you're about as concerned with your own well being as I am with mine."

Ashley felt the back plate settle into place over her shoulder blades, watched Shepard's fingers as he pulled the clasps together over both of her arms. "That's what makes us a team."

He let out a brief, pained laugh. "I guess."

His grip on her side tightened as he returned the battery pack to its place. Firm, gentle. Good lord, all she could think about for thirty seconds was how sweet it was. This was getting to be ridiculous. Ashley had always been able to dismiss these things before the Reapers attacked. Now the thoughts and feelings would leap to the forefront of her mind and make themselves known at the worst of times.

Shepard got up and grabbed her helmet, picking it up before returning to her. He extended his empty hand to help her to her feet. Ashley was grateful. Embarrassed, but grateful. He didn't seem to notice the embarrassment, but then again, he also didn't know she had a reason to be embarrassed. It wasn't like he could read her mind.

 _Thankfully,_ she thought.

Once he was sure she could stand on her own, Shepard left to join Liara, who was conversing with Wrex and... Ashley's eyebrows shot up. The salarians had let the krogan female wear that in their prison? She could hardly see the yellow of her eyes, briefly drifting past Commander Shepard to check her out.

Ashley turned away and focused on locating her discarded weapons. Her pistol was nearby, but her Lancer was back on the platform where Trakes and James were helping Garrus sort the salarians. Major Kirrahe had since appeared, though from where she had no idea. He'd vanished when the fighting broke out in the courtyard. Ashley assumed he was dead. Then again, for all she knew, he'd been killed on Virmire. He hadn't been with Alenko's team. It wasn't until earlier that she knew Shepard had managed to save the STG agent.

She bent to pick the assault rifle up when the salarian officer spotted her. Ashley eyed him suspiciously as his alien face flickered through several expressions, none of which she recognized. It was something she liked about Liara, and even Thane or Samara; their vaguely human features made understanding them easier. Salarians, turians, krogan... Ashley found it difficult sometimes.

"Chief Williams," he said, joining her as she swung her Lancer onto her shoulders. "I wasn't aware you had...survived Virmire."

"I didn't know you had either, actually." As an afterthought, she added, "It's Commander now, though."

The smile, _that_ she recognized. "Time has been good to both of us, then." Ashley nodded once. The salarian noted the way she was putting her weight on a single side of her body, eyed the hand covering the hole in her hard suit. "Rough day?"

Something about that was funny. Ashley didn't know what, but it was absolutely hilarious. It hurt to laugh, so she had to fight to get herself back under control, but laughing at that... She couldn't help it. "Rough life," she corrected.

"I can imagine," Kirrahe said, the hint of another smile gracing his amphibian lips. "You seem to have a knack for...sacrificing yourself for others."

Ashley waved a hand dismissively. "Just once. I'm not dead, right? It was a favor for a friend."

Kirrahe nodded. "Of course." He was silent for a while, long enough that Ashley might've started fidgeting if every little move she made didn't hurt, but then said, "If you'll excuse me, I have reports to file and friends to find."

"No problem," Ashley said.

"It was good seeing you again," Kirrahe replied as he strolled off.

Ashley said something similar before making her way towards Trakes and the two he was working with. The N7 was tagging bodies, taking the salarian version of dog tags and tucking them into the dead's boot. Ashley had done that once, but with herself. Back on Eden Prime, when she was expecting geth to blow her head off.

"Nice to see you in one piece," Garrus remarked as he pulled another body over to the lineup. "Cerberus killed too many people today. Shepard wouldn't have liked to add your name to that list."

"It doesn't feel nice," Ashley grumbled, running a hand across her ribs. The entry wound was still throbbing, as were the ribs Leng had kicked mere moments before stabbing her.

Trakes stood, shooting her an apologetic grin as he stepped past the bodies. Ashley tried not to look at them. Garrus was right when he said Cerberus had killed too many. Alien or not, it still pained her to see so many dead. She wouldn't show it, but it did. Ashley had to be a hardass to get herself this far. She wasn't about to change that now.

"Feeling all right?" Trakes asked.

Ashley shrugged a lone shoulder in an attempt to avoid making her side hurt more. Unfortunately, the exit wound was on the right half of her back, and shrugging the opposite shoulder from the entry wound didn't do much to alleviate her pain.

"I'll be fine in a couple hours," she said.

Trakes nodded. "I know that, but... I dunno. I was worried for a minute there. Thought you were a goner. I couldn't have lived with that...but then again, I doubt Shepard would've _let_ me live that down."

Ashley glanced over her shoulder in the Commander's direction. He was trying not to be obvious about watching her, and to his credit, he was halfway decent at it. He almost looked interested in his conversation with Wrex and Mordin. Ashley could've laughed, but as soon as he noticed she was watching him, Shepard focused his attention on his small party.

"Protective bastard," Trakes commented.

She looked back at him. Trakes was looking past her to Shepard. Maybe he looked away when he caught Trakes' eye, rather than hers. "I don't mind...much."

"Huh?" Trakes forced his gaze to hers, then shook his head. "No, that's not what I meant. Just an observation, Ash. Y'all are up each other's ass so often it's hard to see one without the other." That one got him smirking again and she rolled her eyes, much to his continued amusement.

"You're full of crap."

"Are you sure about that?"

Ashley hesitated, but relented with a sigh. "Not really, no."

His grin broadened. When he'd first joined the team, Ash had never seen the man without a sappy smirk on his face. That changed once the Collectors raided the ship, but even then, it was still hard to see the man being serious. His spirits were rarely dampened.

"Anyway," Trakes continued, "thanks for that back there. I appreciate it."

"I owed you one."

"Or three," he quipped.

She snorted. "Yeah, whatever. I need a break."

Trakes shrugged. "Sit down. I'm sure Shepard will be shipping us off soon."

Ash nodded, staggered over to the railing, and sagged against it, letting out a sigh. The hollow feeling in her chest was slowly ebbing away as her body started to repair the damage it had taken, but all she could think about was how unlucky she was. Liara had tried to use medigel to seal the wounds, which was about as pointless as using medigel on a severe burn, and Shepard had allowed it. That meant she'd be heading to the med bay once they got back to the _Normandy_ so Chakwas could use her tool to get it off.

Buying one of her own would be a good investment the next time they were on the Citadel. Less time in the med bay, getting harped at by the resident mom of the ship.

While she sat, Ashley figured she'd rather look elsewhere. She had seen enough blood for one day. Then again, she'd seen enough to last a lifetime, and there was always more, always another enemy who needed a bullet to the brain.

She looked past the STG base to the wildlife the salarians had hid their outpost amongst. The base was supposed to be off the radar, concealed from public knowledge, and Cerberus had struck the moment they found out about it. Ashley could understand humans betraying people for Cerberus, but aliens? What salarian would betray their own people for a pro-human terrorist organization? It just didn't make sense.

Shepard waved a hand on the edge of her sight. Cortez, who was lounging against his shuttle, shot the Commander a thumbs up before ducking back inside the craft. The Commander gestured to the shuttle while saying something, speaking to the krogans and Mordin, probably telling them to board. While they did that, he and Liara rejoined the rest of them, though Shepard did make a point of heading to Ashley's side first.

"Head up to my cabin when we get back to the ship," he whispered.

Ashley's eyebrows shot up. "What for, sir?"

His eyes blazed. "We need to talk," Shepard said flatly, expression blank before he turned and walked over to Garrus.

She stared after him, dumbstruck, and practically nodded for no reason whatsoever. Her mouth had gone dry in the span of fifteen seconds. His face might've been straight, but the look he gave her burned.

And not for the first time, Ashley scolded herself for getting involved with him.

 _You're in for it now, Williams._


	67. Chapter 67

**A/N** **: Double update! I'd apologize, buuuuut...I'm not sorry. If I'm not gonna be able to update for a while, I figured I'd end it on a happier note than the last chapter. Soooooooooo...yeah. _Slight_ NSFW towards the end (I'm still not sorry). Probably would've been the real thing, but I take my time writing that stuff and this would've been 10× longer (haha, sex joke because I'm a child) and wouldn't have happened, if I hadn't cut if off where I did. **

**So! Chapter 67, only 51 chapters after they actually kiss for the first time. Took the little shits long enough. :P**

 **Thanks for reading guys, and I hope you like the chapter!**

* * *

An hour and a half later, Shepard was finally free from the pressures of the mission. Wrex had demanded he go and assist Aralakh company with what sounded like an issue with the rachni, Victus had requested he go rescue a turian platoon from a Reaper infested planet, EDI and Traynor caught transmissions from Cerberus as they attacked Grissom Academy, and on top of it all, Kaidan was conscious. Conscious and asking for Shepard to meet him on the Citadel, in his hospital room.

While Shepard was glad to have things to occupy himself with while they waited for Mordin to synthesize a cure from Eve's (the female krogan they'd saved) blood, he still wanted time to process everything that happened. He didn't have the chance yet; he was, sadly, still reeling from Earth, though he doubted that would go away, even with the chance to compartmentalize.

Shepard opened his omni-tool, erased the reminder for Eden Prime. He had put it off to get Eve off Sur'Kesh. He wasn't going to put it off again. They were going in after they ran back to the Citadel. Shepard hated making a pitstop, even if it was for Alenko, but the Council would want a report as much as Hackett did, and he kept telling himself it was why they were going back. Not because Kaidan had asked to see him the next time he was on the Citadel, but because the Council would want to hear about his progress... Or Udina would, at the very least. Little bastard had his nose in everything, and unlike Kaidan, there wasn't an innocent air to him. Kaidan was just curious, insatiably so, but Udina was just a nosy, arrogant fuck.

Shepard didn't like him. At best, Udina was just a bit more tolerable than usual.

He closed his omni-tool as he stepped onto the elevator, heading for the crew deck. Checking on Cortez was in order; Ashley had told him the pilot took a shot to the chest back in the firefight, and the first thing either of them did was get the man up to Chakwas. Vega went with them to keep the guy entertained, and Ashley had started protesting when Shepard made her stick around so Chakwas could check on her own injuries. He seriously doubted she was still in the med bay.

Come to think of it, he actually doubted she was even up in his cabin like he asked. Then again, Shepard couldn't exactly blame her. She didn't know why he wanted her there. She probably found something better to do, and, like usual, Shepard would put himself off so someone else could be happy.

The elevator stopped, allowing him off before closing its doors to answer someone else's summons. Shepard marched around the side of the lift and for the med bay, where he caught a glimpse of Chakwas' gray hair as she moved around her station. The door swished open to reveal Eve and Mordin, the latter of whom was running tests on the krogan's blood, while the doctor fussed over Cortez's wound. James had since cleared out.

"I don't think I've ever seen the med bay so...busy," Shepard said, walking past the muttering salarian to see the shuttle pilot. That wasn't an accurate statement, but it was probably as busy as Chakwas had seen it. She hadn't been there after the Collectors raided the _Normandy._ She hadn't seen Ashley, Trakes, or Mordin running themselves ragged to keep the crew alive.

"That's a good thing, Commander," Cortez remarked.

Shepard shrugged, but nodded his agreement while Chakwas had him sit up. "How're you doing, Steve?"

Cortez frowned a bit, gritting his teeth as the doctor removed the medigel on his chest. There was still some blood flowing, but she dabbed it away quickly and worked to put a bandage over it. "Been better, sir. I probably have Williams to thank for my life, though."

"Yeah, I heard something similar from Trakes," he said.

The pilot nodded absentmindedly, eyes trailing over the room. Somehow he managed to have impossibly blue eyes; like blonde hair, humanity had practically bred it out of the gene pool over the last century. Part of Shepard suspected he had implants or contacts, but it didn't quite seem like something Cortez would be into. But then, Shepard didn't really know the man well enough to pass judgement.

"I'll be back to work by the time you're ready for your next drop," Cortez said.

"Take the time you need," Shepard replied. "We've got a stop on the Citadel in order before you have to worry about it."

"Yes, sir."

"Get some rest in the meantime."

He repeated, "Yes, sir." Chakwas took the opportunity to push him back to the cot, then beckoned Shepard over to her desk as she retreated. He followed, mildly curious, but all she did was hand him a bottle of sleeping pills.

The Commander frowned at them. "What are these for?"

"Liara mentioned something about nightmares...?" Chakwas supplied, clearly fishing for a better explanation.

Shepard simply sighed, but he decided he wasn't in the mood for an argument, and tucked them away in the pocket of his cargo pants. He might not wear them outside of his uniform, but he was damn glad the Alliance gave them a brand of the shorts. The large pockets were useful.

"It's nothing I haven't dealt with before," Shepard answered. "Just the...y'know, the usual."

Chakwas eyed him suspiciously. "Are you sure, Commander?"

"If it wasn't something I could handle, you'd be the first to know," he promised.

A knowing smile crossed Chakwas' lips and Shepard scowled. He didn't have to be a genius to know what she meant by that. It was like his life was the ship's only interesting gossip. Kaidan had been polite enough to keep his opinions to himself, but there was a very real possibility Alenko just didn't want Ashley to make a crack about the doe eyes he used to direct at Liara. Hell, if Kaidan had started up on that, even Shepard would've been tempted to start the comebacks.

"Thanks," he added, "but I should go. I have, uh...stuff to do."

 _Like get a goddamn snack without someone breathing down my neck._

Using his biotics got extensively easier with Cerberus' upgrade to L5 implants instead of the L3s he had used back on the SR-1. His muscles cramped far slower, and he didn't need to spend the first five minutes on the ship scarfing down half of their food supply. Between him and Kaidan, Shepard was surprised they didn't run low on funds while they were hunting Saren. Shepard had thought he ate a lot, but clearly, he didn't know what eating a lot really qualified as. Kaidan ate enough to feed Wrex, and then some. Shepard had nothing on that.

The L5s though, those showed him what riskier amps could do to a person's appetite. Shepard could easily eat enough for a krogan nowadays. He limited himself, however, on account of the rest of the crew, and how uncertain their resupply attempts were. He tried to avoid eating anything if it could be helped. It was a bad habit, one that death hadn't gotten rid of. Shepard didn't eat unless he spent himself using his biotics in combat.

Today was one of those days. He grabbed a box after making his way to the small kitchen across from the med bay, packed freeze-dried fruit packages and energy bars inside, and headed for the refrigerator to grab water. On the off chance Ashley actually had gone to wait for him like he'd asked, he grabbed a second bottle and returned to the elevator. Liara, who had been passing by to head into her office, smirked at his predicament.

On the battlefield, he was an amazing tactician. Off the battlefield, however, it wasn't as rare as he liked that he'd find himself in a mess. Shepard hadn't exactly thought his stack of snacks through very well and was balancing them rather awkwardly on a hand while his other tried to keep hold of the water bottles. As one fell, Liara reached out and caught it.

"Uh...thanks," he said.

Liara stuck the bottle in one of the oversized pockets. He could feel the cold through his pants and it sent chills up his spine. "That's a lot of food for one person."

He frowned. "What the hell is with everyone? I'm a biotic. I want food and sleep. Why is everyone giving me goofy looks?"

"I'm not sure I qualify as everyone, Shepard," Liara said.

Shepard's response was a scowl. "First Trakes back on Sur'Kesh, then Chakwas, and now you. Keep your nose out of my business."

Liara's perfect eyebrows shot up and her smile broadened as she chuckled. "Your business? Commander, I commented on the amount of food you were taking. I don't have any idea what Trakes or Chakwas were doing, but I think they might have a point if you're getting so defensive."

He glowered. "I'm not being defensive! I want all of you to let me live my life in peace...or whatever peace I can get."

"Sure you're not," Liara said dismissively, waving a hand. "Though I think you're overreacting about an attempt at conversation."

Shepard quickly deflated as his thoughts raced. Earlier, he'd watched Ash as she staggered away to join Trakes, and had been staring, more like glaring, at the other N7 for most of their brief conversation. And okay, maybe he'd been a little jealous, stewing over Ashley's claims that she'd spent four out of the last six months with the lieutenant. Maybe that jealousy had come to a head when she took that blow for him earlier in the day. Maybe he was overstepping his bounds by directly asking her to come to his cabin. And _maybe,_ just maybe, he was overreacting to perfectly innocent comments from friends.

Except Trakes. Trakes he'd be watching. And Chakwas. Chakwas clearly knew he wouldn't be telling her first about any of his problems, if at all. Chakwas, though, she wasn't intruding on whatever he had with Ashley.

"Sorry," he said. "Just a little...jumpy is all."

The asari shrugged. "Jumpy about food?"

"I eat a lot after exhausting myself," Shepard explained.

"I remember," Liara said, nodding.

"You asari are lucky," he continued. "Natural biotics. You don't eat like human biotics do."

Liara's responding grin was enough to set his mind at ease. She didn't seem to think he had grabbed food for two, which he was thankful for, considering he honestly only grabbed drinks for two. Though, if Ash hadn't showed, Shepard would probably drain both bottles of water before heading out to chat with his crew.

"I don't think the _Normandy_ could stock enough food if I did."

"Especially not if Kaidan'll be rejoining us," Shepard said.

"I heard he was awake," Liara said, confirming Shepard's suspicions that yes, she had people watching Alenko. As creepy as he thought Liara could be, he was glad she was looking out for him. Shepard couldn't be everywhere at once and it was good to know Liara could be, in spirit. "We're headed to the Citadel so you can check in on him, then?"

And there was the creepy side of her he didn't like. He hadn't given anyone his reasons for going to the Citadel, much less told anyone other than Traynor. Aside from the comm specialist, he had assumed only Joker and EDI knew their current destination.

Shepard nodded anyway, keeping his face tactfully emotionless. "Yeah, and to drop off some reports, pick up supplies. The little things, y'know?"

"I understand," she said. "Come by the Commons if you get a minute, Shepard. One of my contacts might have some info you could use."

He nodded. "I'll do that. Until then, see you later."

They went their separate ways: him to the elevator and Liara to her cabin. Shepard was left with an oddly bitter taste in his mouth and the feeling in his gut to match. He wasn't sure if it stemmed from the thoughts of Trakes or from snapping at Liara, or maybe a little of both, but he was positive the bitterness was his own fault. He knew Liara too well to suspect the conversation was meant to be perfectly innocent, but she'd given him no reason to go off like that.

He sighed while he waited. _I'm such an ass sometimes._

Once the doors opened for him, Shepard went inside and jammed his middle finger into the button for his cabin. As soon as they closed, anxiety started welling up in his gut. He desperately wanted Ashley to have shown up, but not when he was in a mood to argue. All he really wanted was to make sure she knew where they were going after they left the Citadel, give her the chance to back out if she wanted.

He didn't want to do that where people could hear them shouting at each other.

Shepard was reduced to anxious bouncing on his feet while he waited. The elevator couldn't get there fast enough, and as soon as it stopped, he was off and marching into his cabin. He had to hit the lock with his elbow. At first, it didn't respond and he cursed, smacking the glowing green hologram again. After four or five attempts, it finally parted and allowed him inside, where he immediately went to his work space to drop everything off.

"Took you long enough."

His head snapped up and he let out a breath, mixed with relief and irritation. "Yeah, sorry, I was busy."

Ashley got up from his chair to sit beside him on the desk. "Wrex was being a pain in the ass?" she asked.

Her hair was down. Did she do that because she came to see him or...? Either way, it looked nice. It was always a pleasant change. She seemed more relaxed when it wasn't pulled back.

Shepard snorted, smiled almost, and forced himself to stop staring at her. "He's a krogan. He's always a pain in the ass."

"Ah, well..." Ashley shrugged when he passed her the bottle of water that was in his pocket. "Planning on keeping me up here for a while?"

He scratched the back of his head, frowning. "You don't have to stay if you don't want to. I just figured we could...uh...talk." She raised her eyebrows. "And I thought it wouldn't be considerate to come up here with all this stuff for myself?"

She laughed at him and rolled her eyes, setting the water aside. "You're ridiculous."

"I was trying to be nice."

"You don't have to try," she remarked. "You just are."

A hint of a smile pulled at him. "I'm sure Liara doesn't feel the same."

Ashley's eyes went wide in disbelief. "Wait, why? What did you do this time?"

"This time?" he repeated, incredulous. "Usually it's you doing something rude, not me."

"That was my point." He huffed when he realized he played right into her fingers, and while it should probably irritate him, he was still too busy being relieved she actually showed up. "So spill it. Tell me what you did."

"I snapped at her for catching your water."

Ashley stared at him for a good while, processing, and he felt a little more than awkward. It was an intense stare, like she was trying to figure out everything that was wrong with him in one go, and it made him want to jump out of his skin. His breath caught in his throat and he tore his eyes from hers, reaching for his drink. He had half of it swallowed before Ash said anything.

"Why?"

Shepard risked feeling even more awkward and flicked his gaze back to hers. Her expression had softened to something more understanding, but it didn't do much to ease the guilt he was feeling. Ashley knew when he was lying; telling her anything but the truth would make this worse.

"When you jumped between Trakes and Leng today, I thought you were going to die," he said. Her brows furrowed, but she didn't say anything when she so clearly wanted to. It wasn't something Shepard expected her to do. Scold him for thinking Leng could kill her, maybe, but just listen? Definitely not. "Before we could get to you, Leng fled and dropped troopers in, and there was no way any of us could get past them. It took God only knows how long before they finally fell back, but they dropped a damn mech in to finish the job."

"Wait...really? I don't remember any of that."

Shepard's voice caught in his throat. "You weren't breathing when Liara and I got to you. She thought you were gone."

Ashley's face was carefully blank. "And...you didn't?"

"I did," he admitted. "I almost called Cortez in so we could evac your goddamn body before Trakes checked for a pulse. You weren't breathing for twenty minutes, Ash, and you're not dead."

It was her turn to look away from him, down at her hands while she flexed them. "Oh."

"It scared the shit outta me."

"That's...understandable."

Shepard didn't let himself latch onto the lame response, but continued. If he stopped, he didn't think he'd be able to finish. "Then you, uh, went to check on Trakes without even telling me if you were okay or not, and..." He shrugged sheepishly. "I don't know. I was terrified for you and you just..." Another lame shrug. "It's stupid, I know."

"You...were jealous."

It wasn't a question. Just a simple statement of fact, and all he could do was nod.

Ashley snorted a laugh. "Why?"

"You spent most of the time I was incarcerated with him," Shepard said defensively. "And then there was today, and...and...I don't know."

"Let me get this straight," she said. "You think I'd leave you. For Trakes."

Shepard rubbed the back of his neck. "It does sound pretty stupid out loud."

"Trakes is my friend," Ashley said flatly. "He saved my ass while we were partners and I owed him. End of story."

He could accept that. Of course he did. Shepard trusted her more than he trusted Garrus, which was saying something. The turian had his back through everything. Every mission on the SR-1, every argument, every mission since. Garrus was one of his closest, if not _the_ closest, friends Shepard ever had. It had been Kaidan once, before he went off about how Shepard had betrayed his trust, but Garrus claimed that spot as his wingman without even trying.

Neither of them had anything on Ash, though. Even when Cerberus tried to make her kill him, she stuck by his side. She sacrificed herself for him and the others, at _his_ order, and still came back to him. Most of their time was spent arguing about something or other, and yet, Ash was always there when he needed her. That level of devotion, loyalty... Shepard didn't deserve it.

"You're staring." Shepard blinked, brought himself out of his thoughts. Ashley was smirking at him, amused, and he cursed silently in his head. "You were thinking again, weren't you? Didn't I warn you about thinking too hard?"

He couldn't help the small grin that tugged at his lips. "Sorry. I got caught up in how lucky I am."

Ashley huffed at him, but there was a hint of a smile on her face. "I'd say unlucky, but you don't want to hear it."

"Matter of perspective, Ash." Before she could protest, Shepard kissed her. It was about as brief as the one the other day, but it was something, and it made his heart beat just a little faster. When he ended it, he let his forehead rest against hers. She smelled like soap and medigel, and honestly, while he hated the smell of the antiseptic, it fit her. It was a strangely...nice mix.

"You're perfect."

"Shepard—"

"For me," he interrupted. "You're perfect for me. And I can't stand the thought of losing you again."

Ashley laughed, outright laughed, at him in disbelief. "You're such a sap."

"It's not sappy if it's the truth."

She pressed her lips to his. "Yeah, it is. You're too sweet."

He grinned. "You love it."

"I do," she admitted.

Shepard's stomach did excited, nervous little flips when she pulled him closer to kiss him again. It wasn't their usual peck on the lips, but something real, and he absolutely loved it. Loved the feel of her mouth against his, the little gasps for air when they broke apart. His heart threatened to hammer out of his chest. Between her senseless tugging on his hair and the panting, he was sure he could've died right then and there and been perfectly happy with it.

It was going too far. He knew it, she probably knew it. They had things to do, both of them. Shepard could be typing a report for Hackett. Ashley could be doing...whatever it was she did to entertain herself now that Vega had taken over the armory. He should've stopped them.

But good God, Shepard didn't think he'd ever needed someone so badly. She was so tempting it hurt. That first kiss had been intoxicating; if it was possible to get drunk off someone's touch, he'd probably gone and done it now. He couldn't bring himself to stop the hands that were suddenly wandering over him, and he couldn't resist the urge to wrap an arm around her waist, snaking the other through her hair to pull her head back, deepen the kiss. She tasted like...something. Shepard couldn't put his finger on it, but he didn't get the chance to try and figure it out. She moaned into his mouth as he leaned over her and that was the end of it.

One of her hands fell from his back. About the same instant, there was a crash, and they both tore themselves apart. His laptop. She'd hit it hard enough to crack the screen.

"Uh..."

Shepard buried his face in her shoulder and started laughing. It took her a moment, but Ashley laughed too, running her fingers through his hair again. The hand that smashed through his computer came back up around his shoulders.

"Way to kill the mood, Ash."

"Commander, if that—"

"Don't call me that here," he interjected. "This is ours. The Alliance can't touch it. Here, it's just us. Me and you. Okay?" She just nodded, brows furrowing, and he gave her a lopsided little smirk. Her hair was disheveled, her lips swollen, and her eyes wild, but Shepard didn't think he'd ever seen anyone pull that look off so well. Just looking at her got his blood pumping.

"You know I love you, right?" he asked. "More than anything." It felt lame, like it wasn't enough, but he didn't have the words to express what he felt. He didn't think there _were_ words for it.

The smile he got in return was absolutely stunning. It was infectious, made his own grin broaden.

 _Beautiful,_ he thought.

"Yeah, I love you too."


	68. Chapter 68

**A/N** **: For anyone who missed it (I didn't even get notified that I updated), there was a double update the other day. The beginning of this chapter won't make much sense without it.**

 **Thanks for reading, guys!**

* * *

"Commander."

A rough voice snapped him from his sleep and his head jerked up, looking around his cabin. A mess. Unintentional and yet entirely intentional. Clothes were scattered everywhere. From just looking, he couldn't tell whose clothes were whose. Both he and Ashley had been wearing identical uniforms, and being the same rank, the same insignia was stamped onto their shirts and vests. He vaguely remembered throwing her belt into his fish tank at some point. Suddenly he was glad he didn't have any fish in there.

"Commander Shepard." It was EDI.

He yawned and flopped back onto the bed, rolling onto his side so he could pull Ashley back into his chest. His arm was still tucked under her head. "Don't wake me up unless Reapers are attacking the ship."

"The _Normandy_ is approaching the Citadel, Commander," the AI continued.

Shepard nearly groaned. "What's our ETA?"

"A half hour," EDI reported.

That got a groan out of him. They must've just hit the relay to take them to the nebula. Unfortunately, he felt Ashley stir, stretching, and loosened his grip on her. They'd have to get up. Why couldn't they just lie there in stupid bliss forever?

 _Reapers,_ he thought bitterly.

Shepard didn't respond to the ship's AI and opted to sit up all the way, running a hand across the back of his neck. Strands of hair stuck to the skin. Damp. He would need a shower before leaving. Ash would probably be stuck heading onto the crew deck. The thought amused him for some reason. He liked it that way too, kept him from entertaining thoughts of sharing a shower.

Ashley looked over her shoulder at him, brown eyes surprisingly wide and alert. If he didn't know any better, he might've suspected she had been awake the entire time. There were obvious ways to tell she'd been just as exhausted as he had, though, and he was happy she at least got some sleep. Finding her awake all the time got a little annoying. Shepard always wondered how she hadn't fallen asleep on a mission, but then, he just attributed that to whatever Cerberus had done to her. Honestly, whatever she did that was weird, that was his answer. He didn't even bother to ask anymore.

"Hey."

"Third time," Shepard remarked, smirking.

Ashley huffed. "The hell else am I supposed to say?"

"I dunno. I can think of a lot of things you could say."

She flopped back down and rolled to face away from him. "If you even remotely suggest I should thank you, I'll hit you with a pillow."

He snorted a laugh and got up, tracking down his clothes. Everywhere. It was still hard to tell what belonged to who; he had to rely on the sizes on the tags. "Y'know, if those weren't bricks pretending to be pillows, I wouldn't be afraid."

"I'll deck your ass," she grumbled sleepily.

Shepard sat on the edge of his bed so he could look her in the eye, but Ashley was trying to sleep still. He didn't think he'd ever seen her sleep so much, save the run to get the IFF and after the Collector base. It was funny. She tried to be serious and scary, and while she succeeded on most days, her resting face wasn't nearly as terrifying as literally anything else.

He frowned a little, watching as her eyebrows furrowed slightly. Carefully, Shepard reached out to place one of his palms on her cheek, running his thumb over her cheekbone. Her face scrunched up in response and she cracked an eye open, fixing him with a heavy stare. He couldn't help the grin that crept over his features, tugging the corner of his mouth up before he leaned down to steal a kiss.

It wasn't perfect, whatever they had. It was illegal in the Alliance, fraternization, and could get Ashley kicked off his ship, but neither of them cared. It wouldn't be perfect, either, not until they left. Or he left. Shepard couldn't see Ash leaving the Alliance, not now. Him, however... As soon as this war was over, he was retiring. He wanted a chance to live his life, and everyday he spent in the military lowered his chances of living that long.

Ashley brushed her thumb over his knuckles and he sighed, pulling back just enough that their lips parted. "I'm, uh...gonna grab a shower and get ready to head out. Kaidan's up if you wanna come with me to see him."

"Maybe. He'd probably rather see you first."

"Oh, I doubt it. Alenko's not my biggest fan at the moment."

She laughed, almost. It was less than a laugh, more than a chuckle. She sounded tired. "Let me know when you've cleared out and I'll head to the hospital."

"Ash, seriously. I don't want to look at him. Just come with me."

She groaned. He could virtually hear her rolling her eyes at him. "Fine, but it was your idea."

* * *

It took another hour before Shepard was finally headed down to the hospital. A half hour filled with furiously typing reports of his activities, another of sending them and speaking with Udina, and it still wasn't enough to put his nerves at ease. Ash was already down there, had been since docking, and if anything, he felt guilty. She was having problems of her own with Kaidan and he told her to solo it because he didn't think he could get through a conversation with the man without wanting to throttle him.

Shepard sighed as the elevator carried him down from the embassies towards Huerta. He was giving Kaidan about as much shit as Kaidan gave him. Alenko was still the same guy he stopped Saren with. Maybe. That man would've never questioned Shepard's loyalty to his friends or the Alliance.

Eventually the elevator came to a stop, decelerating at a gradual rate from the high speed it moved at. They moved faster on the Citadel than an Alliance warship, but then again, the distance wasn't anywhere near as far on a warship than on the station.

He headed for the desk where an employee from Sirta waited to hawk the shop's goods, watching with a careful eye as people approached the electronic stand across from him. Shepard went and picked up the bottle of whiskey he had the man store, passing off the required credit chits, and turned to head for the back when he spotted a certain drell by the windows.

It had been a while, to say the least.

Thane was stretching his muscles when Shepard joined him. "You got my email, Shepard?"

After flinching, he shook his head. Expecting Thane hadn't heard his approach was foolish. "No, actually. I'm here to visit a friend."

"The same friend Ashley is visiting?" he asked, fixing Shepard with those black eyes of his. Seeing the green of the irises was nearly impossible, the rest was so dark. Frightening. If Shepard didn't know him as a friend, he would probably understand why Thane's gaze simply unnerved people. He never recalled Thane looking at him like a target.

"Yeah," Shepard replied. Thane gestured for them to sit at the open chairs nearby, and Shepard sank into one gratefully. It felt like forever since he just...sat. "Kaidan."

"The dark-haired human man in intensive care?" Shepard nodded as Thane continued with, "He will be joining my class for physical therapy soon. If he's a friend of yours, I'll do what I can to help him."

 _Friend might be a bit of a stretch,_ he thought. "I appreciate it, Thane." Silence started to overwhelm them after a moment, so he switched gears. "How have you been? I haven't heard from you in quite a while."

Thane sighed. Faintly, Shepard heard a hiss as the air didn't cooperate with him. It reminded him of asthma; one of the kids on Arcturus had the issue. The difference was, they could put implants in your airways to keep them from swelling now. Asthma had a solution. Kepral's Syndrome did not.

"My doctors gave me three months to live," Thane said. That sounded familiar; hadn't he mentioned it before? "Nine months ago."

"I see," he said. What else could he say? That he was sorry? Thane had already told him he didn't want, let alone need, Shepard's pity. It had been easy to forget about his disease after the crap he dragged Thane and Garrus through anyway. Shepard had not expected to see Thane again in the first place. And if he did, it wasn't at a hospital. "How'd you end up here?"

"It's...a long story," Thane answered. The drell leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees, threading his fingers together as best he could. Shepard wondered how useful it was to actually have five fingers, but to have two of them fused together. It didn't seem very useful in the least. "We can talk some other time about it. I have an appointment and I'm sure you would rather be with...Kaidan?"

Shepard stood and nodded, offering Thane a hand. "Next time, then. Stay safe."

The drell got to his feet and shook the offered hand. "You too, Commander."

With that settled, he turned and headed into the exam rooms, strolling through a hallway as it scanned him. Through the glass, he could barely see Kaidan as he stared out his room's window. The door opened for Shepard when he got close and Kaidan turned to look, eyebrows arching in surprise. It was just the two of them.

"Thought you'd be Ash, sir," Kaidan commented.

Shepard glanced around. There was obvious evidence that she'd been here at some point, a chair and a datapad she grabbed for Alenko to keep him entertained, and he set the bottle of whiskey down with it. "I thought she'd be here. Did she say where she was going?"

He shifted in his bed, winced. "Udina came in, said he was looking for her." Shepard put on a frown that rivalled Kaidan's. "She didn't look happy when they left. I wouldn't want to be Udina right now."

 _Wonder what he wants from her,_ Shepard thought. Then he shrugged; Ash would probably rant about it when she came back. She had never liked the weasel of a man. Shepard couldn't say the same for himself, though he never outright disliked the politician to his face. Not until recently, anyway.

"So," he said, pulling over another stool. He dropped on it just as ungracefully as he dropped into the chair with Thane a few moments before. His satisfied grunt brought a smile to Kaidan's bruised face.

"Thanks for coming," Kaidan said. He shifted again. It must have been driving him insane, being stuck on that gurney.

"Not a problem." He gestured at the bottle of whiskey, down by Kaidan's legs on a table. "I got that for you."

"That's great," he replied. "Thanks. Maybe when I'm not cornered by doctors we'll be able to crack it open. Celebrate a bit, y'know?" He nodded, though he wasn't sure what exactly they'd be celebrating. A war with the Reapers?

Shepard scolded himself quietly. That wasn't fair to Alenko. He wasn't like that.

"The doctor... She says I'm good to go, but then there's always 'one more test' for her to run," Kaidan continued, putting air quotes around some of the words. He sighed and sat up a little, shaking his head. "They practically have me tied down." A hint of a smile pulled at Shepard's lips; if there was one thing any of them could agree on, it was how horrible hospitals were. Granted, Shepard behaved pretty well compared to Kaidan or Ashley, but...no one fought treatment or medicine as hard as Ash did. He supposed she had a reason for it, but it was annoying. Kaidan at least sucked it up for the most part.

"You have no idea how badly I want to get out of here, Commander," he finished.

"You doing okay?" Shepard asked.

He shrugged. "My implant... Well, you know how it is. Took a hit. I'm supposed to keep a rein on my biotics for a bit. No big deal."

"Yeah, brain damage'll do that to you."

Kaidan chuckled. "Luckily I escaped without any."

Shepard grinned. It was nice getting a chance to talk to the other marine without being at each other's throats. It was just as good that they could both get past everything else that happened and get back to the easy rapport they'd established on the SR-1.

"I'm glad you asked me to come," Shepard said. "After Sur'Kesh... For a second I thought I lost both of you."

"Ash told me," he said. "Told me you said she was practically dead. That can't have been easy."

"You know how she is. If it's not a life or death situation every ten seconds, it's an argument."

Kaidan laughed, rubbed the back of his head. "It's good to know that hasn't changed."

"Ah, well..." Shepard trailed off. "The last squad I had was killed on Elysium. It's good having you both in one piece."

Something flickered through Kaidan's eyes. Regret? "Be straight with me, then." Shepard's eyebrows raised in a question. "So...I want to make sure. After Mars and...the things I said when you picked me up off Horizon... We're good, you and I?"

He sighed, ran a hand through still-damp hair. Of course he _wanted_ them to be. Kaidan had been there for him when he left Ashley behind on Virmire. It was hard to destroy that kind of friendship, but Kaidan seemed determined to try. Shepard damn near thought he had. Some of the things they said... They weren't exactly friendly, but they weren't shit either.

"Yeah," he said. "We've been through hell together, had each other's backs in firefights. That's hard to let go of."

"I gave it my best shot," Kaidan said.

Shepard smirked. "Yeah, you sure did. Pissed me off royally. It was good to have you back on the _Normandy,_ Kaid, with Ash. Felt like...old times." He tilted his head. "You planning on coming back?"

"If I have any say in it."

"So, we cleared the air then?"

"Yeah," he replied. "I might not have been wrong about Cerberus, but...I was wrong about you. I shouldn't have said any of that."

"Given the chance—"

Shepard was interrupted by the sound of the door opening. He turned while Kaidan looked over his shoulder as Ashley marched inside. Past her, he caught sight of Udina as he started on his way back to the embassies, back stiff.

"What was that about?" Kaidan asked.

She shook her head and sat beside Shepard. "Long story." A brief nod in his direction. "Hey, Skipper."

"Well, we've got time," Shepard said. "If that's all right with you, Kaidan."

He shrugged. "I'm not going anywhere. Care to share?"

Ashley frowned a bit. "Shepard, you already know what I was doing between...the Collectors and now. Trakes and I were hunting Cerberus agents after one of the Illusive Man's...experiments went south. He attacked Grissom Academy and Anderson had Trakes bring me there to check out the damage."

"Why you?" Kaidan asked.

Shepard didn't remember her telling him that, so he remained quiet while she talked. "The 'experiment' was another person he implanted with Reaper tech. This time, though, he injected something into the guy's, Grayson's, blood, broke him down by using a red sand addiction against him. The Reapers warped his mind in a week and sent him after Grissom Academy to transmit Alliance data back to their fleet. The red sand, mixed with Reaper tech, gave him biotic abilities. And before you ask why I don't have biotics, it's because they didn't use red sand on me. That, and whatever Cerberus did with me was extremely different. I was already indoctrinated, or whatever the hell you want to call it, by the time they picked me up off Virmire. Whatever the Reapers did with me was said and done when I was found."

"Anyway?" Shepard fished.

"Right, sorry. I got sidetracked. Anyway, Anderson and some girlfriend of his managed to stop Grayson before the Reapers got anything too sensitive _with_ Kai Leng's help."

"Kai Leng?" Kaidan asked, confused at the way she spit his name and the way Shepard's expression darkened. "Who is he?"

"The guy I was telling you about," Ashley said dismissively. "I wanted to hunt him down, maybe find out where the Illusive Man is if possible. Trakes got stuck with me because after Grayson's incident, the Alliance didn't want me running solo across the galaxy. They thought, 'Well hey, if the Reapers could _directly_ control this guy, maybe they can do the same with her.'"

Shepard frowned. "Can they?"

Ashley snorted a laugh, scoffed. "You think you'd be alive if they could?"

"Point taken."

"As I was saying, Trakes and I spent a few months chasing Cerberus agents down. It didn't get us much of anything, honestly, except a few new scars. We were finally getting somewhere, though, a couple weeks ago. One of the agents we took out on Omega pointed a finger back to the Citadel at a Cerberus base I'm familiar with, said Leng had been there recently. What for, he didn't know and I still don't know, but we came here. Trakes and I agreed that charging headfirst into an outpost that Leng might be in was stupid, so we followed the man who ran it for a couple days. Tried to ambush him in a café down in a seedier part of Zakera Ward, got the shit kicked outta ourselves by a krogan. We ended up directly attacking the warehouse."

"Oh," Kaidan said. "That sounds..."

"Like you almost got the Alliance in some serious shit with the Council," Shepard growled.

She laughed. "Yeah, funny story. The Council only cared that we openly launched an assault on a base in the middle of broad daylight. The councilors demanded we be sent back to Earth immediately, or that yeah, the Alliance would be in some deep shit."

"That's it?" Kaidan demanded. "They didn't do anything else?"

"No," she said. "It wasn't like we got any civilians injured. We killed Cerberus operatives. They were glad for it; they just couldn't let it continue."

"Then how'd they find out?"

"Cerberus must've tipped them off," Shepard assumed.

"Exactly. The only way either of us were gonna make a breakthrough was if we stayed, analyzed the data a little better. His solution was pretty fucking stupid, if I say so."

Shepard's brows drew together. "What was it?"

"Make one of us a Spectre," Ashley said. "Trakes refused because he didn't think he was capable of finishing off what we started. I said no because one, Cerberus is a bunch of assholes that still have ways to control me, and two, there's a good chance I'm going to end up indoctrinated by the time this damn war ends. That's, uh, not the kind of person you ask to be a Spectre. Udina knows that. He asked me again today and now I'm pretty sure he's up to something."

Shepard and Kaidan exchanged glances. If it were anyone else, Shepard might've had a hard time believing it, but Ash didn't lie. Believably, at least. Both of them would notice.

"Udina wants to make you a Spectre?" Shepard asked.

"Wanted," Ashley corrected. "I...may or may not have tried to get it into his head that Kaidan was a better soldier. More deserving. Just in case he's up to something devious." She shrugged lamely and looked down at her hands, embarrassed. "There are better people than me that could be Spectres."

Shepard glanced between the two of them. Ash, embarrassed. Kaidan, shocked. If she was wrong, she just gave up the biggest promotion anyone could ever ask for...for nothing. Because, once again, she didn't give herself enough credit. And if she was right, at least Kaidan wouldn't be a walking security hazard.

"Ash, I… I don't know what to say."

She smiled at Kaidan and Shepard felt his lingering tension roll away. He had walked in worried about his own relationship with Alenko, but as the conversation progressed, it had become clear that while yes, Kaidan was concerned about their relationship too, his with Ashley frightened him the most. They had been close before Virmire, before Cerberus had brought the bond they had crashing down.

Shepard had been relieved to know he and Kaidan were on good terms, but seeing the two most important people in his life getting past their differences… It felt like coming home, like the three of them could go back to what they were on the SR-1.

"You don't have to say anything, Scuttlebutt. We're family. It's what we do."

"So...what? That makes me the mom?"

She laughed and hid her face in her hands, and Kaidan shared a small smile with Shepard. "I think that's a yes, Major."

"Way to ruin it," Ashley muttered. "I was trying to be nice, Kaidan."

Kaidan's brows went up and Shepard said, "That's a big step for her. She's not even nice to me. You should feel, I dunno, special."

"Honored," he said sarcastically. Alenko nodded over-dramatically, fighting to keep a straight face, and Ashley sighed. "Really though. That means a lot, Ash. I know that can't have been an easy decision."

She just shrugged. "I killed Alliance personnel without hesitation. When I got back, all I got was therapy and a promotion. You deserve it more than I do."

"Still," Kaidan said, "that's a big thing to let go of."

"Nah, I have other things to occupy myself with," she said dismissively. "And speaking of those things, I need to go deal with them now before we leave."

Shepard tore his eyes from the skycars he had been watching. "Be back at the docking bay within the next three hours. We're shipping out at 1700 sharp."

Ashley nodded, grabbed her jacket, and headed out of the room, leaving him with Kaidan.

Guilt wormed its way back into his head. He had asked to talk to her so she would know they were going to Eden Prime, not for...what they did. Shepard didn't know what she would do now, but he was pretty sure what he just did qualified as a betrayal.

"You all right, Commander?"

Shepard looked back to Kaidan and smiled ruefully. "Fine. Just worried."

"I'm sure she'll be all right," he replied. Kaidan sounded like he honestly believed what he said, and while he knew the other marine was right, the worry stuck. The guilt stuck.

Explaining this was not going to be fun.


	69. Chapter 69

He was staring at the marker for the Exodus Cluster with little more than contempt. When Shepard was told Captain Anderson had selected him to be the _Normandy's_ executive officer, he wouldn't have been able to describe how honored he felt. Captain David Anderson, first marine to complete N7 training, decorated war hero. The man had been everything Shepard wanted to be.

The _Normandy's_ first mission, what was supposed to be a shakedown run, had gone FUBAR the instant they got the transmission from Eden Prime. Thinking of it grated on Shepard's nerves. The people on that planet didn't deserve the shit this war gave them. First the geth and Saren, and now Cerberus, all looking for Prothean technology.

It wasn't the first time Shepard wondered if the Alliance had bit off more than they could chew by leaving the Sol system. Humanity's brief existence among the stars had been filled with war after war after war. First Contact, the Skyllian Blitz, and now they were at war with the Reapers and themselves. Cerberus was only making it worse for the entire galaxy.

Shepard was sure Eden Prime's colonists had had enough of this crap. It took a lot to wear Shepard's patience down with things like these, but it had been gone since he boarded the ship. He didn't want to go back to that colony almost as much as he hadn't wanted to go back to Virmire. Both planets had seen a friend killed in action, though he seriously doubted Cerberus would be bringing Jenkins back any time soon.

"Are you all right, Commander?"

Shepard's head snapped up as he relaxed his grip on the railing. It was Traynor, talking to him from her station on his right. She was a skittish soldier, always needing approval. He didn't mind giving it; he had met plenty of marines who needed to be told they were doing their job perfectly, if not better. Tali and Liara had both been like that on the SR-1 as well. If anything, Shepard was used to it.

"I'm fine, Traynor."

She eyed him suspiciously. What was it with women and being able to read him so easily? It was almost like he had it painted on his forehead every time something was bothering him. If he was half as good at reading people as his crew seemed to be, he wouldn't always be second guessing himself.

"As you say, sir."

He stepped from the dias. "Have Joker take us out." Traynor nodded as he headed for the elevator, rubbing his arms as he went. The ship was always chilly, but it tended to be like an abrupt slap to the face after leaving the Citadel, the Presidium in particular. The station was typically room temperature, whereas the _Normandy_ , like every Alliance vessel, was far colder. Engineering tended to be the only spot on the ship that was even remotely warm.

"EDI, where's Ashley?"

 _Might as well get it over with_ , he thought.

"She appears to be in the starboard observation lounge, Commander. She's asked not to be disturbed."

He jammed a finger into the button to take him down to the crew deck. "You can tell her I'm about to come disturb her whether she likes it or not."

"Of course, Shepard."

Shepard thought that if he wasn't so irritated with the situation of Eden Prime, he might be more hesitant to go tell Ashley. He had been earlier. Then again, earlier he wasn't in a sour mood and he hadn't had to deal with the self-proclaimed leader of Omega, Aria T'Loak. Cerberus had overrun the station and the asari had fled to the Citadel, and was now offering him the assistance of the Terminus Systems' largest gangs. In another war, maybe Shepard wouldn't have accepted running all over the Citadel just for the help of three merc groups.

But this wasn't another war, and this wasn't a time to be picky. The Reapers wouldn't discriminate; Shepard couldn't afford to either. Two of the three groups, Eclipse and Blood Pack, were both on board already. The Blue Suns, however, proved to be more difficult. An old turian general was working with C-Sec to disrupt the gang's activities, and to get their help, he had to put a stop to it. Solution A was to simply have a hit put out on General Oraka. Solution B was to go find special artifacts so Oraka could get weapon shipments from a black market dealer instead of the Blue Suns' warehouses.

And yet again, he had chosen to do what was right over the easy way out. Shepard wasn't about to kill a potentially useful turian just so he wouldn't have to go out of his way to help the man. Besides, if he did it this way, C-Sec and the Blue Suns wouldn't be fighting over guns, and both would be armed. That was a good enough reason for him to go find the artifacts the black market dealer wanted.

This war with the Reapers was a clusterfuck. There wasn't any denying it. Assistance shouldn't have to be bought when the enemy was coming after every living being in the galaxy. It irritated him that no one else seemed to understand that.

Shepard wasn't even aware the elevator had stopped and he'd gotten off until he was already in the observation deck. Ashley seemed perfectly content to ignore him while she worked on whatever it was she did on her free time, so he decided he would just do exactly what he planned—interrupt her.

"Ash—"

She held up a hand. "Hang on."

Shepard frowned as he joined her, sitting on the floor while she scribbled through various pieces of paper. They looked like lists.

"I didn't know you could write," he said.

Ashley paused, glanced at him. "What?"

"Your handwriting," Shepard explained. "I didn't expect you had neat handwriting. Nobody uses paper anymore."

"You say that like I don't know it myself," Ashley remarked, looking back down at her papers. They were scattered in a semicircle around her. A closer look told him they were names, though of whom he didn't know. Many of them were crossed out. "Did you know that body EDI's running around in was on Shanxi? Like, the actual person she was based on. Not the synthetic."

His brows furrowed. "What are you doing?"

"Thinking," Ashley answered. As soon as the word left her mouth, she crumpled up a sheet of paper and threw it across the room. Shepard watched as it landed in the wastebasket, brows shooting up in surprise.

"Well, I can see that," he said, "but what is this?"

"People," she said quickly.

His expression hardened, not that she saw. Ashley wasn't even looking at him. She was still going through the names in front of her, slowly but surely crossing different ones off. One of them was circled, marked so she didn't forget it. Unsurprisingly, it was Eva's name.

"Do you want to explain what you're doing?"

"Thinking," she repeated. "I told you how Trakes and I were chasing Cerberus agents. Earlier I remembered that the Illusive Man practically told me he knew my family. On a personal level, not...whatever the average person knows. He actually knew my grandfather."

Shepard's frown deepened. "When did he tell you this?"

"When Leng was taking me through Cerberus' base on Virmire."

That still didn't necessarily explain what she was doing, though it gave him an idea. "So...what?"

"So I'm trying to figure out who the Illusive Man is." Ashley frowned and set her pen on the floor. "Was. Whatever. You get the idea."

Shepard stepped past her and crouched down in front of her. "And just how are you eliminating these names?"

"Memorization."

"Of what?"

"The files EDI sent me on them."

As much as he didn't want to admit it, the fact that she had them memorized didn't surprise him. Not when she could read an article on the extranet to learn how to treat a wound, and then perform that treatment flawlessly ten seconds later. Her mind worked about as fast as EDI processed data. It was frighteningly useful.

"Files...on over thirty names?"

"Forty-six to be exact."

Shepard snorted a laugh and shook his head. "Is this what you've been doing since you left me with Kaidan?"

"No," Ashley said. "I was following Udina."

He did a double take. "You what?"

"Spied on him would be a better description," she decided. "But...yeah. I was spying on him. So what? The bastard is up to something and I'm trying to figure out what."

"That could get you in a lot of trouble if someone caught you, Ash."

She snorted. "It's Udina. He's not smart enough to catch me."

Shepard sighed and ran a hand down his face, exasperated. "Whatever. Anything interesting?"

"Sadly, no. He spent twenty minutes raving to himself, but that's about it. I came back after stopping to buy a couple things that I needed. I've been here for about…" She checked something on her omni-tool, probably the time. "A half hour? EDI only just sent me these."

"You're insane," Shepard decided aloud, watching as she crossed off another name.

Ashley shot him a small grin before looking back down. "Anyway, you said you were coming down to disturb me 'whether I liked it or not.' So what's up?"

"We're headed to Eden Prime."

She didn't miss a beat. "I know." Never stopped her scribbling either.

"Wait, you know? What? How? Who—"

"Liara told me." Ashley shrugged. "Did you expect it to bother me?"

Shepard frowned again. As a matter of fact, he was pretty sure all he'd done the entire time he was here was frown. "Um, yeah? Are you saying it doesn't?"

"Kind of. I mean, sure, I lost friends there, but they don't feel like my friends. You know what I mean? Like...I have my memories, right? Miranda repaired whatever connection Cerberus knocked loose so I'd have them. But the thing is, they don't feel like they're mine. When I remember something, it's not just…instant like it should be. It plays like a movie in my head."

"I'm not following," Shepard said.

Ashley sighed and leaned back on her hands, frowning. "When you're with someone you're close to, you can sometimes tell how they feel, okay? Like how I can tell you walked in here in a bad mood, or how you can tell when one of your friends is upset. You can see it perfectly fine, but you might not understand why. Or when you read something moderately well-written, so you kind of feel for the characters but at the same time you couldn't care less if they died or not. Does that make sense?"

He made a so-so motion with his hand. "Sort of."

"Okay, well now imagine feeling like that all the time, that looking back on your life is like looking at a friend's life, but through their eyes. You wouldn't know how they felt, just what they saw and how they reacted to it. You might feel bad for them once in a while, or happy, or proud, or furious, but it wouldn't be the same as getting upset over something happening directly to you. Think of it as an overly realistic movie like I said earlier. Do you understand now?"

He nodded.

"That's how I feel everyday, Commander," Ashley said. "I worry about my family not because I feel anything, but because that's what I would've done had Cerberus not...taken me. I love them, don't get me wrong, but whatever I had with any of my sisters before is gone. I cling to whatever feelings I manage to get for any of them because I haven't known them for more than a few months. I want to care about them because they're my family, but I don't know any of them. Sarah's different because I've talked to her; I know her. But Abby and Lynn? My mom?" Ashley shook her head. "Nothing. I don't know them. And if I can't feel anything for my family, how am I supposed to feel anything for a squad of marines I'll never meet?"

Shepard's frown deepened. That was exactly what her Alliance file told him she'd feel, and for some reason, he had expected different. Ashley had no reason to care about what happened to her old unit. From what she was saying, all she knew was that people she had considered friends were dead. She didn't even consider them friends.

"That's…I don't know what to say."

"I don't know either. Whatever you think of, I'll just tell you the same thing I told Sarah when she asked me about it. I don't care. I want to, but I don't. Between the Collectors and dealing with everything else that's wrong with me, I haven't had the time I need to readjust to my life before Cerberus revived me. It has been nonstop fighting and running for me for two years. The first break I caught was when Anderson transferred me to Vancouver, and as much as it helped, I need more than a month or two of therapy to start making the connections you're asking about."

His expression hardened again, pushing any traces of curiosity or worry away for later. "So dropping onto Eden Prime won't be a problem for you? You'll keep your head in the game?"

"Unless Cerberus pulls some new trick outta their ass to mess with me, I should be fine."

Shepard nodded. "I'm glad to hear it." He stood when Ashley looked back to her papers, dismissing his personal concerns for later. She was busy enough without him continuing to pester her, so Shepard figured he could spend his time elsewhere. At least until they began their approach to the Exodus Cluster, and in turn, Eden Prime.

The first place that came to mind was the shuttle bay. He needed something to take his mind off everything that was going on, and he found that his earlier sparring match with James had done wonders to do exactly that. If Shepard was lucky, James would still be in the mood to show off.

 _Not that I plan on losing,_ Shepard thought. He never thought he'd say it, but being lankier than someone of his height should be was actually an advantage. He wasn't skinny by any stretch of the imagination, but neither was he as muscled as James. He liked to think of himself as average, if a bit on the tall side.

When Shepard returned to the elevator, he was greeted by the _Normandy's_ self-proclaimed "best sniper in the Alliance." If he hadn't seen Trakes in action, he'd chalk it up to arrogance, but he had, and if the Alliance hadn't officially recognized the man yet, they needed to get on it. Trakes was, possibly, a better shot than Garrus or Thane, and kept his wits about him in even the most ridiculous of situations.

"Where you headed, Commander?"

"Cargo hold," he said.

Trakes hit the button as he said, "Fun stuff. You're stuck with me for the next...five hours."

"You'd think the Alliance would have faster elevators," Shepard agreed, staring straight ahead.

"If you say so, sir."

Despite Ashley's assurances that Trakes was like an annoying child she felt obligated to care for, Shepard still felt a little pang of jealousy at the very thought of the other N7. Four months. During those four months the two were alone, he hadn't heard a peep from her. Granted, he wasn't exactly able to send, let alone receive, messages from anyone, but it still hurt. Shepard knew it was childish and very unbefitting of a man like him, but it was there, and there wasn't much he could do to get rid of it.

"It occurs to me I don't know much about you, Trakes."

"That's the idea," he said smugly.

Shepard sighed. Barely a conversation and the man already got on his nerves, though he suspected that had more to do with his jealousy than the lieutenant being annoying.

"That's not the answer I was looking for."

"Oh, I know," Trakes said. "You were looking for my background. Who I am, what I've done, all that good stuff." He grinned at Shepard, shrugged. "But I'm not the kind of guy to share that stuff. I believe in keeping it to yourself unless it's a problem."

"And do you have any baggage that might be a problem, Lieutenant?" Shepard questioned.

"With the Reapers invading, I don't think this is the time to go galavanting across the galaxy to help people with personal problems."

Shepard turned back to the elevator door, sighing, and nodded. "On that, we can agree." The Commander bounced on his feet a little, clasping his arms behind his back, while they waited for the elevator to reach its destination. "Where are you holed up, anyway? I've never seen you in one place twice."

"I like to wander," Trakes said. "Before, I used to stick around the crew's quarters. Lately though, I've been hanging around engineering with Adams. It's good you got Donnelly and Daniels back; we're a little short-staffed down there."

"You're helping Adams out?"

He shook his head. "Not like Tali used to. Even with my engineering background, most of my skill is with my rifle. I help when needed, but most of my jobs have been to crawl through the ships vents to clean something up."

"Sounds...boring," Shepard admitted.

Trakes laughed. "Most of the time, yeah. But it's nice seeing Ken and Gabby in good moods. It was hard for them when we got hit by the Collectors. I don't think they've ever actually gotten over the fact that no position is guaranteed 'non-combatant.'"

"At least they're okay."

"Exactly," the lieutenant agreed.

When the elevator opened, they stepped off in tandem. Trakes went for his armor locker, presumably to check on the rifle he kept stocked in there. Shepard headed for Vega's station, nodding a hello to Cortez while he walked. The pilot was working furiously on some personal assignment he gave himself. Probably ordering supplies they needed to be picked up the next time they made a stop at the Citadel.

"Hey, Vega."

James' head snapped up. "Hey, Loco. What's up?"

"You in the mood for another dance?"

James grinned and set aside the rifle he was working on. "You got your own problems or you just wanna punch something?"

"A little of both," Shepard answered, following the broader man out onto the floor. He cracked his kunckles while James rolled his shoulders and swung his arms around, loosening up. "And don't take it easy on me, all right? I want bruises."

James chuckled. "Whatever you say, Loco."


	70. Chapter 70

_Focus focus focus focus focus._

That had been her mantra throughout God only knows how many firefights since returning to the Alliance. It was the same thing she repeated to herself now, the only thing she allowed herself to think. She honed in on the sounds of her breathing, short and calm as they echoed through her head, and considered anything that interrupted that sound a threat.

Fortunately enough, for the time being, nothing else creeped up on her. Shepard had ordered her to check out the buildings while he and Liara worked out a way to open the thing on the elevator.

" _Is that a stasis pod?"_

" _Like the ones on Ilos."_

 _A real, living Prothean is in that thing,_ she thought. The fact that Cerberus had uncovered it… God, she was never so determined to keep Cerberus _away_ from something. But still, she didn't know what the stasis pods were like back on Ilos. She didn't know whatever Shepard and Liara knew.

Ashley had no clue what they were talking about either. She didn't need one regardless; she didn't get paid to understand what she was doing. Her job was to follow orders, and on a day like today, Ashley was grateful. Thinking about anything other than the next place to put her feet brought up bad memories—memories she didn't feel any connection to. Dead friends, dead civilians, mind numbing terror as she ran.

Ashley had never been big on thinking when her life was at stake. The fact she survived so long with that mindset was nothing short of a miracle. Before, she'd attribute it to God. Now she just kind of stuck with the idea it was a miracle. Thinking about her past...it was still painful. Not in the sense a rough memory would be for a normal person. It hurt because nothing she ever did made her past feel like it was hers.

 _Focus,_ she snapped. _Stop distracting yourself. Focus focus foc—_

Ashley paused, ears straining. Just telling herself to focus wasn't enough to pick the sound up again, and she crept forward a few steps. Across a small walkway, she could see someone at a laptop, typing away furiously. For a moment, she watched, trying to read over his shoulder. Even with all her enhanced senses, Ashley couldn't make out any of the words. All she could see was what looked like a bypass program being ran through the systems.

He was a Cerberus trooper, though. That much was obvious, and whatever was on that laptop was important to him. Alone, that was enough for Ashley to kill the man. Lifting her gun and putting a bullet through his brain was a simple matter. Once she was sure the gunshot hadn't attracted any unwanted attention, Ashley crept across the small walkway and into the building.

The first order of business was to make sure he really was dead. Reaper tech did some weird shit to people, and making sure that didn't lend an immunity to headshots was crucial. She thought a shot to the head would be enough to kill her, but if her heart could keep beating for twenty minutes without oxygen, there was a chance she could still get blood to her brain, heal it maybe.

She wasn't up for testing that theory any time soon.

Ashley returned her rifle to her back and rolled the man over. His face looked bruised and he had faint blue lines tracing along his skin. Curious, she opened one of his eyes. It didn't glow; he was dead.

Satisfied, she got back to her feet and headed for the laptop. He had been downloading something, but she didn't have the time to go through it. All she could do was wait, take it for herself. Liara would be able to make sense of it once they got back to the _Normandy,_ or she would. Either way, Ashley tucked the thumb drive away in an ammo bag for later.

She grabbed her gun and headed back outside, dropping a few feet to the grass below. She wasn't far from the elevator; Shepard and Liara would've heard her gunshot, though they wouldn't have had any way of knowing it was hers. Both of them had trusted her to keep any Cerberus operatives off their back, and as she rejoined them, it seemed their trust was well-deserved. Neither had drawn their guns the entire time she was gone.

"That was you shooting?" Shepard asked.

She nodded. "Yeah. There was a guy in civilian gear back in a house. Cerberus. He wanted whatever was on this." For emphasis, she pulled the data drive from her pocket, passed it to Liara. "I didn't have the time to—"

The sound of thrusters firing shut her up. The three of them looked towards the wailing screech and, almost collectively, groaned. Cerberus shuttles. The first flew directly overhead, so low to the ground Ashley thought their plan was to hit them.

It swerved around and came to a stop over one of the homes. Several troopers jumped out, completely disregarding the building to drop to the ground. A pair of smaller people, women in light combat armor, took up positions on the home.

"Don't let them near the pod!" Shepard ordered.

A bullet from one of the snipers glanced past her head and she flinched, moving across the platform to roll behind a stack of crates. She smacked one with the back of her hand; they wouldn't withstand much gunfire.

Liara joined her as Shepard leapt the boxes. "What's the plan?"

"We need to find the signal to disable the stasis mode," Liara answered. "And we need to figure out how to open the pod without killing the Prothean."

"Uh...open it?"

"We don't know how," Liara said. "Cerberus has research terminals scattered over the site. We're hoping if we can find them, we can get him out of there."

A bullet ripped through one of the crates. Liara yelped in surprise and Ashley almost laughed. It had been _years_ since Liara jumped at gunfire. That was the best thing she'd seen all day.

"Little help?" Shepard snapped over the comm.

Ashley swapped out her assault rifle for her sniper, took a deep breath, and stood. One of the Cerberus snipers had joined her friends on the ground and was aiming her rifle at Commander Shepard, but before she could get a shot off, Ashley pulled the trigger. She had to duck back down to chamber a second shot, but all it took with a bolt action rifle _was_ one shot. Instead of several rapid rounds, one well-aimed bullet would do the trick, even past shields. It was why she preferred them to the semi-automatic rifles Garrus and Trakes loved so dearly.

A singularity was thrown at a group of hidden Cerberus troops for Shepard while she dealt with the second sniper. A bullet to the throat made short work of her.

She switched back to her assault rifle and got to her feet, bracing an arm on the crates before swinging her legs over to the other side. She barely had the chance to fire a shot when the troopers retreated down the hill, running further into the colony. Shepard gave chase, leaping after them in a burst of bluish-purple light. His target was thrown of his feet, knocked back through the air, defenseless when he pulled his shotgun on him. The force of the shot threw the body back to the ground in a spurt of blood.

Ashley relaxed her stance, but Shepard raced after the rest of them. "Commander!"

"You realize he learned this from you, yes?" Liara asked.

Ashley scoffed. "Please. He was doing this _long_ before we met."

"I'm sure your influence hasn't helped any."

"Vanguards aren't trained to be subtle. The Alliance uses them as shock troops."

Ashley started down the hill after him, nearly missing Liara's unamused response. "What good is that if they're dead?"

She jogged down past another house and around a corner, skirting the cliff's edge rather purposely. Her arm kept brushing the wall, that's how close she stuck to the home. If she didn't look, there wouldn't be a problem.

One of the things Ashley never liked about Eden Prime. Cliffs and geth. Sure, there wasn't any geth now, but Cerberus was here, and that was just as bad, if not worse. So far, Cerberus hadn't tried to blow up the entire colony.

 _Nah, they'll just slaughter all the colonists,_ she thought sarcastically. _That's so much better. At least the next round of colonists will already have homes—_

She had barely come to a stop when Liara slammed into her side at a run. They both hit the ground in a tangle of limbs and snappy remarks, Liara "accidentally" kicking her once in the ribs. Ashley shoved her off, starting to climb to her feet, when she realized why Shepard had disappeared in the houses. Cerberus' engineers were throwing down sentry guns.

There was one on the pathway back up the hill. Its barrel was spinning up.

"Shit!"

She scrambled to grab her gun and roll to the side, flinching when the turret opened fire. Bullets ripped through the dirt and grass with ease, kicking up dust and throwing it around in a cloud. Ashley pushed herself further away as the turret continued firing. It didn't seem capable of picking a target past the chunks of dirt; even though both her and Liara had moved away from the gunfire, it hadn't changed where it was aimed.

Ashley didn't stop dragging herself across the grass until she was hidden behind a staircase, twenty feet or so away from Liara. She checked herself for wounds, prodding and half-removing the metal-ceramic pads covering her arms and legs. Covered in dirt, but fine.

"Liara!"

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the targeting laser shift to the steps, side of her head. Ashley ducked further down and rolled under the building, pressing her body as low to the dirt as the ground would allow.

Bullets ripped the stairs to shreds, but didn't track her into the shadow beneath the home. It was too dark.

Ashley smacked the side of her helmet. Static fizzled over her comm unit. "Liara!"

"I'm fine" was the immediate response.

A relieved laugh escaped her and she dropped her head into the grass. She wanted to feel it on her face, in her hands, to know that the planet wasn't lost. It had been _ages_ since she felt grass, but there wasn't time for her stupid sentimentality to get in the way. They had a job to do.

"Can you get into one of the homes from there?" she asked.

"There's a window above me," Liara answered.

"Get inside," Ashley said. "The walls are thick enough to deflect gunfire and the windows facing the turret are too high for it to see inside. Make sure Cerberus isn't waiting for you."

Anyone else, and they might've had a smart comeback. Ashley was doing little more than stating the obvious, but Liara took the advice and did as she was told. For all the fights the asari gotten herself into, she wasn't a soldier. Liara didn't seem to mind being told what to do by Kaidan or Shepard, or even Ashley. The fact that Liara listened to her at all surprised Ash, but Liara had never _not_ listened to her. Except that one time chasing the Shadow Broker, but that was different.

"What are you going to do?" Liara asked.

"Try not to get shot," Ashley replied. "If you could get rid of that turret before I tried to go anywhere, that'd be great too."

There was a pause. Ashley couldn't see Liara from where she was, but she could see in one of the windows. Someone shouted, yelped really, before the glass was shattered by a body. The trooper landed in the grass with a stream of rather racist comments and reached for something on his belt as he clawed his way to his feet. Ashley couldn't quite make it out past the steps, but whatever it was couldn't be good. For a beat, she thought Liara might take care of it. The gunfire from the house told her otherwise.

As the trooper brought up his arm to throw what she was assuming was a grenade, Ashley grabbed her gun. She was half a second faster than the trooper was, but it was enough. A few well-placed shots was plenty to take him down. Within three seconds, there was a bang, and chunks of him splattered across the path. She was right to shoot him.

Ashley squeezed her eyes shut and dropped her head against the stock of her gun. It never got easier, seeing things like that. Her stomach rolled when the stench reached her nose.

 _Focus,_ she reminded herself.

"The sentry's down," Liara said.

"Hang on." Ashley slid her rifle into its clip before rolling onto her back, grabbing the edge of the building, and dragging herself out from under it. She hopped to her feet, brushing dirt off as she made her way towards the building Liara was in. Once she was sure it was clear, she jumped up and grabbed the windowsill to haul herself inside. Glass dug into the lining of her hard suit, but didn't penetrate far enough to make her hands bleed.

Shaking out the shards, she joined Liara at what looked to be a Cerberus computer station. Several monitors, a tower with multiple fans attached to it. Whatever Liara was doing escaped her because as soon as Ashley stepped up beside her, the asari closed her omni-tool and grabbed her pistol.

"What?"

"Data for Eden Prime's resistance," Liara explained.

Ashley glanced at one of the now blank monitors, and then nodded. "Thanks, by the way. For getting me out of there."

Liara nodded. "You haven't—"

Static whistled in her ear and she winced. "Where the hell are you two? Sightseeing?"

"No, Commander," Liara said. "We were—"

"Sightseeing," Ashley quipped.

Liara was busy looking at her like a frustrated mother when Shepard said, "Whatever. Get your asses over here now. I found one of Cerberus' data centers and could really use some help with the bastards."

"We're on our way."

Wherever he was, it wasn't exactly far enough for Ashley to miss the familiar sound of flying bullets. All they had to do was follow the noise.

"Why would you say that?" Liara demanded.

Ashley shrugged. "Why not? Loosen up, T'Soni."

"Shepard will be upset—"

She waved a hand dismissively. "You and I both know he only gets like this in combat."

"That's the third time I've been—"

"Interrupted?" Ashley supplied. Liara scowled and she smirked as they went. "I'm laughing at you."

"When aren't you laughing at me?"

"That's a really good point now that I think about it."

Ashley led Liara through several buildings and came to a stop when the fighting got too close for comfort. Just in the next room, she could hear a centurion shouting orders to his men past scattered gunshots. Someone screamed before he fell to the ground, and more orders were given to get the man out of there.

"I didn't know they cared," Liara whispered.

"No one else cares about them except the guy beside them," Ashley retorted. "Head back outside and loop around to Shepard. I'm going to see what I can do from here."

"Are you crazy?"

Before Liara's objections could really come out, Ashley nodded. "Yeah, probably." Without another word, she dropped into a crouch and went around the corner. She ducked behind a desk after a quick count. Two in a window, the centurion in the middle, another two outside. The centurion was the closest and by far the most dangerous. Any gunfire would be virtually pointless at this range unless his shields were down.

 _Five on one._ Ashley stared at the wall in front of her, inhaled deeply. _I've had worse,_ she decided.

Slowly, she crept forward, up towards the centurion's back as he fired somewhere into the courtyard. There was a crashing sound as one of the trees splintered under a sentry's continued fire; Shepard rolled out from behind it and leapt at the turret, smashing it with a biotic-fueled kick. The Cerberus troopers opened fire again and he bolted, ducking behind a planter.

Uncompressed buckshot flew past her head as he fired his shotgun into the room. She flinched even as the centurion leapt into cover, instinctively trying to cover her head.

"Contact!"

She swore and lunged, driving her shoulder into his chest and him back into the wall. He scrambled for his sidearm as his rifle fell to the floor, lost under the tables when she kicked it away. His other hand caught under her shoulder guard and threw her back. Ashley had a hand on her gun before she even hit the tiles. She barely had the chance to pull the trigger before he did, and even then, he still managed to shoot her. It was little more than a graze, catching an exposed portion of support material. She didn't feel a thing.

The centurion, however, wasn't as lucky. Her bullet caught him in the throat and he crumpled in a spurt of blood.

 _Holy. Fuck._

At this point, she was already hyped on adrenaline, and despite wanting to lie there and calm her racing heart, she rolled to her feet. The troopers had reverted from targeting Shepard to targeting her, and there was hardly enough time to stand back up, let alone catch her breath.

The two on her left would have to be dealt with first; they were closer and her shields would be useless at that distance. Getting shot didn't tend to stop her, but that didn't mean that Ashley enjoyed it either. Being hurt whatsoever would typically leave her in the med bay for an hour or two, regardless of how fast the injury healed. Chakwas babied her more than Kaidan did, which was, unfortunately, saying a lot. She hated it.

Trusting her shields to keep her from getting injured again, she turned on the two in the window. She got a shot off at the closest when the second pushed past with his stun rod. He brought it around towards her head, intending to bludgeon her with it rather than stun her. Ashley caught his wrist and drove an elbow into his Adam's apple.

An indicator flashed in time with the faint beeping telling her her shields were gone. She tightened her grip on the man's wrist and spun around behind him, holding him upright with a pinned arm. The other two shot him instead as he sputtered for oxygen he couldn't get, and when he fell, she fell, pulling him onto her chest.

His elbow dug into her ribs. Ashley supposed that was fair; after all, she'd hit him with her elbow first.

Her eyes flicked to her right. The pistol hadn't fallen far from her hand. It was close enough to grab when a trooper came to make sure they'd killed her too.

Ashley watched the man approach past the dead guy's shoulder. He had his gun levelled at her head, probably intending to shoot. Just in case. Ashley couldn't fault him for that, though the blood splattered over her made him hesitate. He thought his friend's blood was hers.

She didn't move, didn't breathe. Her lungs didn't start protesting until he stayed there, watching her suspiciously. Ashley wasn't going to risk moving now, not with him prepared to fire. Cerberus' soldiers were just as freakishly fast as she was, just as strong. She would be dead long before she got to her gun.

There was a blast overhead. It hit him straight in the chest and launched him back. Ashley kicked the body off her chest and grabbed her pistol, shooting the remaining trooper before he could so much as blink.

Her head fell back against the floor with a thud as she took a breath. Shepard stood over her, a brow arched, and offered a hand. He almost looked...amused, but Ashley wasn't stupid. She _knew_ he was pissed.

"I thought they got you," he said. "Y'know, _again._ "

Ashley accepted the hand up and let out a puff of breath. While she brushed herself off, she said, "It's going to take more than that to get rid of me."

"Uh-huh," he said sarcastically, nodding for emphasis. "Cerberus has bombs, too. They're not just a salarian thing."

"Hilarious," she retorted, scooping up her sidearm. Once she had a fresh clip loaded into its compartment, she followed him back into the small courtyard. "Are you just gonna assume that's not a touchy subject, Commander?"

"After the other night, I'd hope not."

She shoved his shoulder as he laughed. "God, I hate you."

"No, you don't."

"Unfortunately."

Shepard snorted another laugh and nodded at the fallen tree. It wasn't anything huge, but it had been enough to dent the roof and doorway of one of the houses. Just something to give the colonists some shade.

"You think they'll make me pay for that?"

Ashley smacked her arm and brushed at it as a tingling feeling shot through it. "What do you care? All you do is horde credit chits until you find model ships to buy."

"Hey, don't diss my ship collection."

"You're a grown man in command of the finest ship in the Alliance fleet, and what do you do?" She crossed her arms. "Collect. Model. Ships."

"I don't mock _your_ hobbies!"

"I don't have any hobbies," Ashley said.

"I think mocking me counts."

"Mocking? No. I annoy."

Shepard gestured to both of them. "This is what it's like for you with Trakes, isn't it?"

Ashley opened her mouth, but snapped it shut, dumbstruck. "Uh, yeah. That's exactly what it's like. Except you actually enjoy it when I annoy you."

He smirked despite himself. "You're making an awful lot of assumptions about me, Lieutenant-Commander."

Ashley scoffed and shook her head, rolling her eyes. "Please."

Before she could make some stupid comeback, Liara ran out of one of the buildings. "Commander! I've found another of the research terminals!"

Shepard's face straightened immediately. "Watch the courtyard, Ash."

She nodded and grabbed her assault rifle. Come to think of it, she didn't even remember putting it on her back, let alone putting her pistol on her hip again. Losing herself in a habit. There were _worse_ habits to get lost in, though she didn't much care for forgetting something in a combat zone. That led to mistakes.

Ashley followed Shepard onto the porch, but swerved when he went inside to head for the ruined tree. She stepped onto a planter it leaned against, and then onto its trunk before walking up a couple feet and sitting down. Her feet dangled over the side.

Something felt good about sitting there. Not just that she had a good view of all the ways up here, but that it was a _tree_ she was in. Just a few minutes ago she had wanted to run her fingers through the grass, remember one of the better things about Earth. Now she was sitting on a tree, and local or not, there was something oddly satisfying about it.

Eden Prime was one of the few planets the Alliance had colonized that could support foreign plant life. Part of her suspected that this was a tree from Earth; she didn't remember anything other than green on the colony world, and this tree had pink flowers. It was beautiful. Too bad it had to die.

Her throat constricted at the thought and the hand she was running over the bark froze. A lot of good things died on this planet. No matter how wonderfully perfect the Alliance media made Eden Prime out to be, Ashley couldn't forget.

Colonists died back when the geth invaded the planet. It had been her fault. Her friends had died. That was her fault too. Ashley couldn't blame herself for Cerberus' attack now, but seeing Alliance marines piled up in the homes had hurt. Seeing colonists stare lifelessly past her head had hurt.

Shepard didn't think Ashley was capable of lying, but she was almost positive she had lied to him today. After seeing this again, all of it, it made her chest ache. The _familiarity_ of it caused her pain she wanted to stifle and bury.

Maybe it wasn't a lie earlier. She honestly thought she would be fine because, after all, a lot of things that should bother her, didn't. Returning to Virmire hadn't hurt like they had expected it to.

But Eden Prime… Coming back to this hellhole nearly killed her. Maybe her problem was she didn't care enough about herself. Getting shot, stabbed, maimed, whatever, it didn't make her bat an eyelash. Ashley just did not care.

When other people said they did, it made her twitch. Worried mail from Sarah had done that when she first got back to Earth. Shepard had made her twitch the other day, practically every day since boarding the _Normandy_ again. Even her dislike for Chakwas stemmed from her aversion to other people caring about her. It made about as much sense to her as the pain she felt now, which was none.

Ashley remembered them, her friends. She didn't even know them, not anymore, and it still hurt. It wasn't right.

She swore at herself. Mourning the loss of a friend was the normal thing to do. And if there was _anything_ remotely normal left about her, Ashley would cling to it. There wasn't any forgiving Cerberus for the mess she found herself in. No one should have to fight to feel like a person.

The sounds of thrusters firing snapped her out of her thoughts. White Kodiak shuttles. Only two, probably scouting to see if her, Shepard, and Liara were dead, to secure their dig site.

Ashley hadn't intended to let the geth get their synthetic paws on the Prothean beacon the last time around. She had no intentions of letting Cerberus get their grubby little hands on a real, live Prothean this time either. They were going to wish they hadn't set foot on this planet when she was done with them.


	71. Chapter 71

"Think you can make that jump?"

Ashley looked up from her pistol as she reloaded it, past Shepard to the stasis pod. Cerberus had retracted the ramp to prevent them from crossing back to it. After what they just fought through, however, it wasn't very surprising. Two turrets, five guardians, and a pair of engineers who were determined to keep their guns rolling. She had shot one of them _at least_ eight times before he finally went down.

Cerberus didn't want them getting the Prothean just as much as they didn't want Cerberus to get him.

"There's ladders," Ashley said, pointing. "One up to ground level, another to the roof, and then another down from the roof there. I don't need to jump that to—"

"Can you?"

"Yeah, but—"

"Jump it," he ordered. "It'll be faster and if we're lucky, Cerberus will think twice if you, uh...show off."

One of her brows shot up. "Shepard, I've been shot over ten times already. If they're not running scared by now, they're not going to."

"Just do it."

She sighed before returning her pistol to her hip. "I'm on it."

Ashley had to remind herself repeatedly to keep from looking down. The drop from the outcropping she was now on was only ten feet or so, but if she fell at the right angle, she'd fall thirty feet into the dig site. And if she was unlucky enough, she might accidentally roll into the elevator shaft. She didn't know how far down it went, but she knew that was the absolute last thing she wanted to happen.

"Need a boost?" Shepard asked.

She shook her head. "Nope. Counting." Five feet forward, which would be doable for Shepard and Liara if they weren't beneath the platform they needed. There was a four foot difference between her and the lip of the grating, and she'd have to catch it if she didn't want to fall. Her arms were long enough though that it wouldn't be as bad as it looked. She just really didn't want to do it.

"You remember I don't like heights, right?"

"Now I do," Shepard replied.

Ashley nodded, rubbed her hands together anxiously as she backed up a couple steps. The momentum from taking a running start wasn't necessary, but she liked to have it. It made kicking off the ledge feel more natural, though when her hand locked around the support strut beneath the platform, she swung a little. If someone could get nauseous from swinging like that, Ashley did, and she did it in less than three seconds.

 _Don't look down,_ she told herself. As she reached for the lip overhead, she kept repeating that. It didn't help much; forgetting she was hanging over open air wasn't easy. She didn't feel better until she was hauling herself over the edge.

"Extend the bridge," Shepard said.

Ashley pushed herself to her feet and headed across the platform to the access terminal, punching in a few commands before returning to the stasis pod. Shepard and Liara joined her a few moments later, the former of which pulled up his omni-tool.

"I'm transmitting the signal," he explained.

"It'll take a few minutes," Liara said. "Let's hope Cerberus—"

"Incoming!"

"Fan out!" Shepard shouted. "Take cover and keep them away from the pod!"

Ashley slid behind one of the ventilation systems hard enough her shoulder screamed. The whirring from the fans was loud enough to drone out the sound of the shuttles flying past, but she could still see where they were dropping troops. One of them was unloading in the housing, out of sight, while the other two dropped their men out by a pair of transport trucks.

While her Lancer expanded, she grabbed one of her grenades and whipped it across the small field. The Cerberus troops would be exposed for several seconds until they could get into cover, and she doubted either Shepard or Liara wanted to give them the chance.

Between her grenade and the others' gunfire, most of them died before they even knew what was happening.

"Stop throwing those on dry grass!" Liara shouted. "You're going to set the colony on fire!"

"I haven't done it yet," Ashley retorted.

Bullets bounced off the metal of the vent and she ducked back down, positioning her rifle against her shoulder before standing again. One of the troopers was advancing, but she shot him in the chest. The accompanying cry of pain didn't even remotely sound human.

Shepard ran past in a flash of purple and she flinched, covering her eyes with an elbow. When she looked back up, he had somehow managed to get himself inside of the closest building. From the various bursts of color coming from the window, she was suddenly glad she hadn't ever fought a vanguard. It was understandably intimidating. And he thought _she_ could scare them off? All he had to do was start throwing people like ragdolls before Ashley realized how lucky they were to have him.

"Side of the building!" Liara called.

Ashley poked her head out. Sure enough, a pair of guardians were lurking around, looking for a target. Shepard was somewhere indoors and couldn't be seen, and Liara wasn't even visible to her. Not at first, anyway, because Ashley barely had the chance to catch the doctor as she jumped up. The singularity was down and pulling them off the ground just as quickly as Liara had ducked back into cover.

Without hesitating, Ashley stood and fired at them both, waiting until their bodies fell to the dirt before she was satisfied.

Another shuttle came past, dropping four troopers off on the side of the cliff. Liara was forced to move, but as soon as Ashley went to cover her, Shepard was back outside, throwing a pair off the side. A third found his head blown off by his shotgun, and the fourth took a glowing orange blade to the gut. Omni-blades, flash-forged by an omni-tool in the middle of combat so Alliance forces would never be left unarmed.

For several long seconds, the area was quiet. No gunfire, no shuttles. Ashley glanced over her shoulder to check on the pod, but the signal bar was still flashing.

"Cerberus set up an armory in there," Shepard said, gesturing to the house he'd come from. "You need ammo, grab it now before they come back."

She patted the pouch on her hip. Still filled with thermal clips. It was one of many reasons she liked her Lancer—no reloading. That, and the fact that it just felt right when she carried it. Ashley had taken to the Lancer during basic training like a moth to a flame. Some days, she understood that gun better than she understood herself.

Once Liara trooped off to resupply, she joined Shepard as he stared out over the dig site, watching him out of the corner of her eye. Prothean architecture poked out of the dirt like teeth in several places, and briefly, she wondered if Eden Prime had a shitty reputation back then too.

"Never thought we would've come back here, huh?" he asked.

Ashley shrugged. "Never would've thought Cerberus would bring us back from the dead either, but here we are."

Shepard chuckled and flashed her a grin. "Yeah, that was a bit of a shock, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," she agreed. "As much as I complain about it, I'm glad to be here. This is a fight I can't miss."

"Everyone should be fighting," Shepard said. "And yet, they throw me at the problem in the hopes I can fix it while they scramble to get their defenses ready."

"It's working so far," Ashley allotted.

"But for how long?"

She turned towards him. "Long enough for you to stick it to Cerberus _and_ the Reapers."

He sighed again. "I'm glad someone thinks I can do this."

"The Council wouldn't be throwing you at the problem if they didn't think you were capable of solving it," she retorted.

The corner of his mouth quirked in a half-smile. "Thanks."

"Someone has to keep your ass moving."

Almost as soon as the words left her mouth, their attention was drawn to the swerving drop ship overhead. It was too big to be a shuttle, but not quite big enough to be anything more than a frigate. Ashley expected troops to drop with it flying so low. And while yes, it _did_ let more troopers out, the other thing it dropped was far more dangerous.

An Atlas mech crashed to the ground, narrowly missing the two trucks and the troopers dropped to protect it. Guns came up from the various soldiers, honing in on both Shepard and Ashley, and for a half a second, she allowed herself to be stunned stupid. She had never seen one of those things equipped for combat. Atlas mechs were always used for support roles, moving and stacking crates of equipment, transporting wounded. They were _not_ combat vehicles in the Alliance.

But Cerberus wasn't the Alliance, and Cerberus never played fair.

Then the bullets started flying. It snapped her out of her trance-like state and into action, though it wouldn't matter much. The mech was preparing to fire at them too, and while her hard suit was designed to concentrate its shields into a precise point, Ashley doubted it would hold up under fire from a chain gun.

Shepard shoved her and they ran, hiding behind a pile of those flimsy crates. Bullets ripped through them like butter; she flinched and hopped over Shepard's outstretched legs, rolling behind another crate. Some of the gunfire shifted to follow. Most of it remained focused on him, but whatever wasn't concentrated on them went towards the nearby building. Liara must've come outside at the sound of the frigate passing overhead, though Ashley briefly wondered why the asari would risk injury just to _see._

Ashley scolded herself and stood, popping off less than three rounds before the mech's gun finished spinning up. Not only was Liara dumb enough to risk her life to get a better understanding of their situation, so was she. Fortunately, she managed to draw the mech's attention from Shepard with that stupid mistake, though whether or not that would really be a good thing remained to be seen. She could take a beating, there wasn't any denying it, but Ashley doubted she could take as many rounds from the overpowered gun as she could from a standard issue assault rifle. That thing packed a bigger punch than any weapon either her or Shepard carried.

A piece of metal tore off the crate she was hidden behind. An involuntary yelp of surprise escaped her and she swore. _That's what I get for making fun of T'Soni._

"You got a plan, Commander?" she shouted.

He shrugged helplessly as a spray of bullets tore through the crate just over his head. It exploded in a burst of shrapnel. "Don't get shot?" he suggested.

"Never would've guessed," she retorted.

He glowered at her in return, a stark contrast to the mood he'd been in moments prior to the fighting. Ashley could understand that she'd put him on the spot with the question, though, and waited a half second before firing off a couple blind shots in Cerberus' direction. Someone cried out and the bullets shifted back to her, and she ducked down again.

"Ash!"

She barely had the opportunity to lift her head when a round smacked off the side of her helmet. It pissed her off, but she bit her tongue and looked elsewhere, focusing more on controlling her temper than what Shepard was saying. By the time he had finished talking, she had worked herself up enough to completely drown him out and missed the plan he rattled off. Liara's confirmation, agreement, whatever, was lost to her.

Her teeth grated when she felt another bullet connect with her throat. The indicator for her shields was dropping steadily, hanging at thirty percent by a thread, and she _knew_ moving at all would probably get her killed. But there was something so incredibly infuriating about the shots hitting her. Between the noise and the bubbling anger, Ashley was more surprised that she _hadn't_ snapped than she was about being so thoroughly irritated with the situation.

It had been months since she'd had this issue. Months. And Cerberus was wearing through her resolve with a few lucky shots to her head and neck. She had kept her calm through the Collector base, had kept it together when that damn synthetic tried to kill Scuttlebutt, and even managed to do it when Leng stabbed her the other day. Why were a couple bullets destroying what she worked so hard to maintain when she'd suffered worse?

 _It's this goddamn planet,_ Ashley decided. _I hate this place._

Another bullet hit her shoulder, bypassing her shields and biting through her hard suit, ripping through her skin until it hit bone. The bar on her visor said her shields had recovered to thirty-three percent, so whomever shot her was close. Close enough that if she stood, she'd be able to grab them.

Without further thought, she threw her rifle to the side and leapt the damaged crate. Her feet connected with a trooper's chest and they both crashed to the dirt. He shot her twice, point-blank, before she forced his arm to bend. His third shot punched a hole in the underside of his helmet, and from the proximity, tore another through the back. Blood was still spraying from the exit wound when she had her handgun drawn.

The mech had stopped firing its chain gun to prepare a missile for launch. Ashley didn't stop to make sure the shot she fired had its desired effect; she already knew it would. While the pilot staggered and stumbled to recover from the bullet she'd fired at the glass, she turned on a pair of troopers. Before, Shepard had commented on the eerie resemblance between her hard suit (when it was still white and black) to what Cerberus' infantry wore now, and all that observation did was piss her off more. She took it out on the men advancing towards her—the one furthest from her took a bullet to the chest and the closest found his neck snapped.

Whatever Cerberus had done to her, brutal or not, was effective, and Ashley wouldn't deny it. She stood out in the open to kill those two men, completely disregarding the flashing indicator frantically trying to get her to take cover. While many of the bullets missed, plenty hit their mark. She didn't feel a thing and she could've cried from the relief. No pain, not even in her shoulder where she knew a bullet was firmly lodged in bone. Getting it out would require cutting her arm back open.

A purple mass slammed into her side as she fired at a centurion, knocking her off her feet and into cover while the mass fell beside her.

Gray eyes bored into hers with an intensity to make her feel hollow. "What the hell are you doing?" the face demanded. "That was not part of the plan!"

Ashley reached for her gun as she scrambled to her feet, pointing it at his head. His jaw dropped as he attempted to stand, and for a moment, the field was silent. Cerberus troopers stared at her back as she pushed the barrel of the pistol into his forehead. He looked about as stunned at the gun as she was about Cerberus ceasing their fire.

Something passed over him as his expression hardened. "Ash, it's me. It's Shepard."

Her only answer was flexing her hand, pulling the kick on the pistol.

"Hesitation, right?"

Her mouth went dry, but she nodded, just barely enough for him to see. The corner of his mouth turned up in a half-smile and her heart skipped a beat.

"Put the gun down," he urged.

She didn't move a muscle. Drawing her gun on him had given them an advantage, one she refused to waste. She needed to know where Cerberus was. Behind her, definitely, some at an angle. If she turned fast enough, she might be able to use the last of her ammo on the troopers to her left, and then get into cover while she reloaded.

"Focus on the mech. I'll cover you."

He nodded once. "You got it."

Ashley took a deep breath, tightened her grip on her gun, and whipped. Guns came up before the clearing erupted into chaos all over again. Cerberus troopers fell left and right, but the whole while, that mech kept firing. Thankfully, it didn't appear to be worried about her and she moved freely, though the same couldn't be said for Shepard. Troopers focused on him as she cut them down. They were so focused on him that her shields had finished regenerating when the mech was ready to fire its missiles again.

Even as its arm came up to fire, it froze. Ashley could hear metal grinding and see tears zigzagging their way across the plating.

"Cover her!" Shepard shouted.

She didn't know who she was covering, but she didn't stop to ask. Cerberus had shifted their attention from her and Shepard to whatever biotic was damaging the mech, an asari, and that was reason enough to keep her safe.

After discharging the fuming clip from her sidearm, Ashley returned it to her hip and leapt at the nearest trooper. He turned too late, found his head bashed off the crate he was hiding behind. Another shifted fire to her, but Shepard blasted him with a shockwave. She kept going, running towards a pair of them before hitting the ground and sliding. The first had his feet yanked from under him; the second took an elbow to the gut before she snapped his neck. When the one on the ground attempted to fire his handgun at her, she crushed his throat.

It sounded like something exploded when she looked up again. The mech's arm had come off in a burst of flames and smoke, and now it was jerking spastically.

Cerberus didn't miss a beat. They kept firing and Shepard kept fighting, so she leapt after him. He got locked in a fistfight with one of the troopers until she came past and drove her fist into the man's ribs. Bone gave as he staggered. Shepard's fist crackled and he punched the trooper in the jaw, effectively silencing his moans of pain.

"We make a good team," Shepard said, panting but grinning.

Ashley almost nodded, almost, until something hit her across her shoulders. She staggered, but before she could so much as blink, Shepard had shoved her to the ground. There was a bang, probably his shotgun, followed by a sickening gurgle before a body collapsed.

"You missed one," he said, offering a hand up.

She eyed it, but accepted the offer. "I didn't 'miss one.' I left him so you could feel like you helped."

Shepard scoffed and shook his head. After surveying the small field, double-checking that Cerberus' troopers were dead, he gestured to the mech. Now that she wasn't so focused on fighting, Ashley recognized Liara as she cautiously approached it, gun drawn.

"Liara!" Shepard called. He started towards her, but while she wanted to follow, Ashley opted to go back for the assault rifle she'd thrown down in favor of her pistol. She made a mental note to stop doing that when she finally located her rifle, picking it up to stow away on her back. It clipped in easily, though the tingle that shot across her shoulders made the hairs on her arms stand on end.

She shivered as she pulled off her helmet, running a hand through her hair. Her muscles burned, ached to keep moving, but she forced herself to sit still. _Deep breaths,_ she thought. Her shoulders shook with each inhale, reminding her of the bullet embedded in her arm. She dismissed it and the accompanying dull ache to focus on calming her frayed nerves.

Frustrated, Ashley sat on the ground as she watched Shepard and Liara head back for the elevator. When her eyes fell on the stasis pod, she could've laughed. She had forgotten about the Prothean _entirely_ once Cerberus dropped the mech. That had been it for her, though the bullet to the head hadn't helped. It hadn't made it past her shields, let alone her helmet, thankfully enough, but now that she was thinking about it, the side of her head throbbed. It matched the tempo her heart set, which made it worse and irritated her.

Her hand sought out the sore spot and unconsciously tried massaging it. Ashley winced when her prodding found the knot. She'd have a headache strong enough to anger a god by the time they got back to the _Normandy._ It wasn't anything new, but it didn't do anything to help her mood.

"Hey!" Shepard shouted. He waved an arm as her ears rang. "Come on, Ash!"

She resisted the urge to scowl. After climbing to her feet, she kicked her helmet back into her hands. She ran a hand over her ribs and stomach, counting out how many wounds she'd sustained before beginning to make her way back to Shepard and Liara. They were leaning over the stasis pod now, presumably waiting for it to open.

And when it did, her heart practically stopped.

A real, living Prothean. He was _moving._ Ashley hadn't thought... "Wow."

A Prothean had survived the last cycle. They had won, and the only one who would ever know it was staggering around blindly. She couldn't imagine what it would feel like to be the last of her species. Ashley just prayed it wouldn't come to that, not with this cycle. Shepard would finish the Reapers. She _had_ to believe it.

But when his eyes met hers, that was the end.


	72. Chapter 72

By the time she'd struggled to her feet, Shepard was already attempting to restrain the Prothean. Her bones ached and she felt like she was being hugged by a krogan, but otherwise, she was fine. And judging by the narrowed yellow eyes the Prothean was directing to her, that was definitely _not_ the desired reaction.

"We're friendlies," Shepard said. "Allies."

"Commander, I doubt he'll be able to—"

"How many?" the Prothean asked. Ashley's mouth snapped shut at the interruption, brows furrowing in mild surprise. It didn't take a genius to figure out why he had used his biotics on her, but the fact that he spoke English... Now that was funny, in a weird way. It was the absolute last thing she'd expected out of the day. Granted, she also hadn't expected they'd be picking up a live Prothean either.

"Just you," Shepard said softly.

The Prothean eyeballed her over the Commander's shoulder before deciding to turn away, headed for the cliffside. He stared over Cerberus' dig site with an almost sad look to his eye, and when Shepard approached him, Ashley figured her time would be better spent checking on Liara. The asari was still laying on the metal grate of the elevator, staring at the cloudy sky with a far-off look about her.

"Hey."

A pair of icy blue eyes flicked to catch her brown ones. "It's been a long day."

Ashley bit back a bemused smile in favor of a blank expression. "Yeah, it has. Come on." She offered a hand for Liara, and after she eyeballed it about as suspiciously as the Prothean had eyed her moments before, the asari accepted the help up. Almost immediately, Liara's eyes drifted to Shepard and the Prothean, something passing over her expression that was oddly familiar. Excitement.

If there was one thing they could always count on, it was T'Soni's love of anything, _literally anything_ , Prothean.

While she carefully edged her way closer to the odd pair, Ashley hung back. The way the Prothean looked at her... It was the same predatory glare Leng looked at her with. And while it bothered her that the expression carried so well across thousands of years and species, Ashley would never admit it aloud.

"You fight the Reapers?" he asked Shepard.

That look. _Oh, yeah. He knows,_ Ashley decided. Her hand drifted towards her handgun, subtle enough that the Prothean's eyes didn't leave hers.

Shepard followed his gaze and frowned. "She's a—"

"One of them," the Prothean interrupted. "You are an easy man to read."

Her fingers brushed over the grip of her gun as she watched Shepard, gauging his reaction. To the man's credit, he kept his face expertly straight and his hands at his sides. "She's a friend."

The Prothean made a noise that sounded like the ungodly offspring of a snort and a scoff. He muttered something that sounded eerily similar to "indoctrinated" before strolling off to be alone. He stayed on the cliffside with the three of them, but far away enough to signify he wanted peace. Ashley didn't rightly care; as long as he kept his murmurings of indoctrination to himself, they wouldn't have a problem.

"Excuse me for being blunt, but...how the _fuck_ does he know English?"

Shepard shrugged dismissively, giving her a cross look for even attempting to broach the subject. "Same way he knows about...well, y'know, you, I suppose." She frowned as he continued, "Pop a flare. Comms are down and we need Cortez to pick us up before Cerberus comes back."

"I wouldn't exactly object to killing more of their men, Commander."

* * *

Once the general after-mission excitement died down, Ashley found herself seated in the mess hall with her datapad again. Instead of checking lists of cities and colonies lost to the Reapers, she was scrolling through old mission reports from Shanxi and creeping along, looking for mentions of Doctor Coré and a Jack Harper. That was where her list of names led her, and while she probably should've double-checked her thinking with someone else, Ashley had a feeling that was right. Jack Harper, ex-mercenary, was the Illusive Man.

That should probably feel more...more _something,_ but Ashley couldn't place what or why. All that name did was fuel her determination to track the man down. Knowing him, however, there would probably be an unholy amount of flags he had around the name. He'd monitor it, make sure no one could track him down.

Too bad for him, Ashley had done it. And she'd done it rather easily. Maybe he shouldn't play into the villain clichés anymore. That would probably save his ass more than his stupid flags would.

In the back of her mind, though, she was worried. Despite not giving two shits either way, Ashley worried that her family had gotten off Earth. She worried if they got somewhere safe, somewhere the Illusive Man couldn't get to them if she did happen to alert the bastard to what she was up to. He had to suspect, after all these months, but she didn't want to give him any hints.

Ashley set the datapad aside and opened her omni-tool. She checked her messages for anything new, but it was the same old threads that greeted her. Another click got her to Sarah's extranet address and she typed off another quick message, just in case. Stupidly desperate, she sent one to her mother as well, but stopped herself before she sent them to Abby or Lynn.

Maybe she cared more than she gave herself credit for, or maybe she wanted something with her family again, much as she denied it a couple months ago. Seconds ticked by as she waited, hoping, _praying_ , that she'd get a response.

Nothing.

Frustrated, Ashley snapped the omni-tool shut and stood from the table. It shook from the abruptness of her movement and several members of the crew turned to stare, eyes wide in confusion or narrowed in suspicion. Her answering glare seemed to be enough to get them to avert their eyes.

She slapped a hand around the datapad. The frame was cool to the touch, but it quickly warmed around her tight grip. She'd barely gone five feet when Trakes appeared around the corner, grinning broadly. Of course he was. When _wasn't_ he smiling?

"Hey," he said brightly, flashing teeth in his smile. "You got a minute?" Ashley glanced over her shoulder before nodding, but Trakes was staring past her at the marines. "Looks like you're making friends." She thwacked his arm and let him pull her to the side. He was still eyeing the other Alliance personnel as they chatted about goings-on around the ship, brows furrowed in a brief display of confusion.

"Anyway?" Ashley fished. "You wanted something?"

"Not necessarily. Just making sure you're okay."

Ashley's eyebrows shot up. "Why wouldn't I be?"

He shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe it's because you nearly shot at a friendly?" His voice dropped to a whisper, coming out in a hiss as he covered up the exact truth. If anyone on this ship heard what had really happened, there would be a collective issue with her rather than the suspicion. Ashley could work with suspicion, but if, God forbid, something happened to Shepard and the ship got left to her, the crew would have to trust her orders.

The thought of it made her skin crawl. Just another reason in her massive list to keep Shepard alive. He was invaluable. Not just to her, but to the entire galaxy.

 _I can't believe I said that,_ she grumbled, dismissing her train of thought rather quickly.

"It's fine now," Ashley said. "I'm fine. He's fine. Everybody is fine."

Trakes gave her that look of his, the one he rarely used because it interfered with his smiling. He knew she was feeding him a line of crap. "When I first joined the _Normandy's_ crew, you had a pretty good grasp of your self-control. I've seen it slip a couple times, but I've _never_ seen you level a gun on an ally's back. Especially his."

"It's happened before," Ashley snapped. "And I've always caught myself before I pulled the trigger."

" _What?_ You mean..." He trailed off with a groan, making an exasperated motion with his hands. For a moment, he was quiet, matching her stare with his own. She could see the gears turning in his head; he was trying to figure out a way to get his point across. The most successful way. Trakes didn't do something or say something unless he was absolutely sure it was right, all of his joking aside.

"Look, I know you're close. I don't know how close, but I can see it plain as day. You don't want to see him hurt as much as anyone else, probably more, but _both_ of you forget just how dangerous you are. Cerberus trained you to kill people, remember? What happens if you snap and you _don't_ stop? Then what? Do you just wave it off, blame Cerberus for something that could've been avoided? What'll it take to get it through your head that this isn't something _any_ of us should be playing with?"

Ashley's eyes narrowed. It was rare for Trakes to be so critical. While not entirely unexpected, he still managed to catch her off-guard. "I know my limits."

"Limits can be broken," Trakes said. "All it takes is a couple words from the Illusive Man, and we've lost you again."

"Is there a point to this conversation? Or are you just going to keep questioning me?"

He sighed, covered his eyes with a hand as he pressed on his temple. "Yeah. Do everybody a favor and keep yourself out of situations like that."

She bristled. "You know that's not possible."

"Then do something to make sure you won't shoot him. One of these days, you won't be able to stop yourself, and we both know it."

Before she could respond, he pushed past and stormed towards the med bay, back stiff. Ashley's eyes narrowed on his retreating form, caught between a glare and some confused expression, when a hand brushed her shoulder. She jumped and snapped around, locking eyes with a very surprised, but very tired-looking, Liara.

"Are you okay?" Liara asked.

Ashley glanced back towards Trakes, who was now in Chakwas' work space and animatedly conversing with the krogan resident, Eve. Then her gaze shifted again, back to Liara. She nodded. "Fine." She doubted Liara knew how close her and Trakes had become in recent months, Shadow Broker or not, but she had a natural gift for reading people. Even with her lack of experience around other species, T'Soni had a good grasp of human and drell mannerisms on top of her native asari. The three, according to salarians, were closely related genetic-wise, and expressed emotions similarly, making the understanding transfer at an easy pace. One Ashley, and she imagined Liara, was grateful for.

The awkward, confused but angry, stares she was shooting the N7 probably weren't making it any less obvious. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's nothing you need to worry about," Ashley said abruptly, snapping her gaze back to Liara's. The asari's perfect blue eyebrows rose in surprise, but she waved a hand again. "You should get some rest. You look tired."

"Exhausted," Liara admitted. "Pulling apart an entire mech isn't easy."

"Thanks for that, by the way."

The corners of her mouth pulled up in a weak smile, and she beckoned Ashley to follow her into her office. Resigning herself to an uncomfortable conversation, Ashley slipped in after her. Whether she'd say it or not, seeing the old XO office in another's possession bothered her. Not because Ashley wanted it (she enjoyed the observation decks), but because she would always see it as Miranda's place. The changes Liara shoved on the room made her skin crawl, especially the monitors that swivelled around to follow whomever was moving.

Liara went straight for the bed, pulling her boots off before collapsing on it. The act was such a human thing to do that it made her head reel; Cerberus had expanded on her own mistrust of aliens to the point that it probably was racism, and while she typically forced herself to do what was right regardless of someone's species, noting human similarities between races bugged her. There were just some things that couldn't be beaten, some parts of her that fought to be that thing they bred in a lab.

Her conversation with Trakes grated on her so much because he was right. Not a day went by without Ashley worrying over when she'd hurt someone on the ship. She wouldn't, couldn't tell him that, though. She couldn't even tell Shepard, because then that would be admitting Cerberus was still very much part of her issues, and that would just make her look weak. That was never an option.

Ashley bounced nervously on the balls of her feet, watching the info drone, Glyph, float between machines. "Did you, uh...need something?"

Liara sat up. "We're friends, right? Friends don't need a reason to talk."

That surprised her. "We are?"

"We were," Liara said. "A while ago. So much has changed between now and then. Was it wrong of me to assume?"

Ashley blinked. "I don't know, honestly. I hardly know you."

"Is that so?"

"Well, I don't feel like I'm the same person that was on the SR-1," she said. "You're clearly not the same skittish kid running around screaming about Prothean this, Prothean that."

"I'm four times as old as you," Liara said.

"And still a kid to the asari. Almost, anyway."

Ashley shrugged when Liara stood, padding silently over to a chair before sinking into it. She looked for a suitable place to stand, one that she didn't risk breaking Liara's info feed, and decided leaning her hip against the small desk would be that place.

"Speaking of Protheans," Ashley said, "how'd it go down in engineering?"

At the mere mention of it, Liara's usually impassive expression twisted into one of annoyance. "He's...nothing like I expected."

"Meaning?"

"I romanticized them," Liara explained. "I thought they were scholars, a great people, and they're...conquerors. Warriors. A people focused on submission of 'lesser species.' I believe the exact word he used was primitives."

Ashley almost smiled. "If you'd seen what Collectors used, you might be inclined to agree. Their tech is ages beyond anything we..." Ashley trailed off at the halfway hurt look Liara was giving her, and she scrambled to amend her statement. "Of course, it's always possible they advanced so far because of the Reapers. I mean, that's _definitely_ why they were so advanced."

"Ashley?"

"What?"

"You can stop trying to mother me. It doesn't suit...you."

She rubbed the side of her neck awkwardly. "Sorry. I was just...trying to be nice. Since we were friends once...or still are."

Liara twiddled her thumbs. "I'll leave that up to you."

Instead of allowing herself to get overly flustered, she reverted back to their last subject. "Anyway, you were telling me about the Prothean. Does he have a name?"

"Javik."

She muttered the word to herself, tasting it. "Sounds Prothean."

Liara fixed her with a look. "And how do you know what sounds Prothean?"

"Uh...Reaper...stuff. Like always?"

The asari blinked, regarded her heavily for several seconds, and eventually, shrugged. "All the same, I'd avoid him if I were you."

"I wasn't exactly planning on running down for a chat."

"Don't," Liara agreed. "He's hostile enough. We don't need him tearing through the ship because he found out we have a Cerberus defect on board."

Ashley shrugged. "Speaking of Cerberus, I have a favor to ask." That piqued Liara's interest as Ashley passed off her datapad. "I think I found the Illusive Man, but I can't dig up anything that might point to it being him. All I have is his background."

Liara stared at the datapad for quite a bit, mouth slightly open in surprise. "By the goddess. How did you manage this?"

"Tracking him down wasn't hard."

"I'm the Shadow Broker, and _I_ haven't been able to figure out who he is!" Liara exclaimed. "You're...you, and you figured it out!"

Ashley snorted. "First, I'm going to ignore that insult." Liara's eyes widened a bit, embarrassed, but she quickly regained control of herself. "Second, I'll tell you if you swear you'll keep it to yourself. This might require me to get off the _Normandy_ and I don't want Shepard knowing what I'm up to if it does." She just nodded. "The last time I talked to the Illusive Man, he admitted to being on Shanxi when it fell to the turians. He knows my family personally."

"That...would've been helpful before."

"I didn't remember he said anything about it!" Ashley said defensively.

Liara raised her hands in a placating gesture. "It's fine. I'll see what I can find on this..." She activated the datapad. "Jack Harper."

Ashley's shoulders sagged in relief. "You'll tell me what you find?"

"Of course. I can't promise it'll lead you to him, but I'll do what I can."

"Thank you."

She turned to go, waving at Glyph as it rushed to its master's side, but Liara called her back. "What do you plan to do if you _do_ catch him?"

"Make him suffer for all the pain he's caused."

 _And not just mine._


	73. Chapter 73

**A/N** **: And another follower bites the dust (literally, right between me clicking through different pages). Darn. I'd be upset except for the fact that this is still the best thing I've ever written, in my opinion. And while I don't do this often enough, PLEASE, if there is something you don't like about this, the characters, the plot, my style of writing, don't hesitate to tell me! I'm always open to feedback, positive or negative. Especially with this chapter. It feels a little...stinted (?) to me.**

 **I don't bite, really. I'm snarky, yes, but mean? No. I love you guys in a totally non-weird way for sticking with me and Parallel for so long. It means a lot considering this is my first ME fic.**

 **Thank you for reading guys!**

* * *

His gut twisted into anxious knots as he tossed over, eyes snapping open. Images of batarians, pirates, slavers, dead civilians, they flashed through his mind's eye. He swallowed hard, sitting up to run his hands through his too-long hair, and he doubled over.

Elysium hadn't plagued him in months. Not until the Alpha Incident, and then it slowly began eating away at him. The batarians in the Blitz, they'd all been criminals. The others, though, they weren't. He was responsible for their deaths, for the lives now enslaved to the Reapers. The thought sickened him. Despite many anti-human feelings lurking in the batarians, they didn't deserve what he had done to them.

Shepard ran his hands down his face. Nights like those were the worst. He didn't wake up feeling refreshed; he woke up exhausted.

"EDI?"

Without fail, EDI would answer. She always did. Always listening. The _Normandy_ was just as much his home as it was hers. "Yes, Commander?"

"What's our ETA to Grissom Academy?"

"Fifteen minutes."

He nodded as he stood, rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck as he headed for his shower. "Send Williams and Trakes down to the shuttle bay, and get the shuttle prepped for departure."

"Of course, Shepard."

Fully aware or not, her greetings and goodbyes never changed. They would get stale if he wasn't glad for the lack of change. The Alliance butchered the Cerberus SR-2, and while it had its merits, the ship was still a mess from the retrofits. That was undoubtedly from leaving Earth so abruptly, but the Reapers weren't going to wait for them to get the _Normandy_ back up to speed. The fact that they got away at all was probably a miracle.

 _What the hell am I talking about? Of course it's a goddamn miracle._

After a quick splash of water on his face, he noted that he was still in his uniform. A half-smile crossed his lips. He'd been too exhausted after Eden Prime to take it off. Then again, he had a bad habit of being too tired to get undressed before going to sleep.

Satisfied, he headed for the elevator for his trip down to the cargo hold. The ride was quiet and peaceful, not at all like the last few hours of his life. Gunfights, nightmares, confused arguing with Javik. Thinking of the Prothean sitting down in engineering made his teeth grit, but nothing about his concerns were unfounded. Once Liara had cleared out to...recover from the shock of having Javik on board, they'd immediately launched a discussion about how wise it was to have someone with Reaper tech wandering the ship.

Javik only knew about Ashley from reading Shepard. Whatever his concerns were, he already knew why Shepard left her be. But the brief brush, bringing everything back up to the forefront of his mind, it reminded him that she still fought two different people inside of her head. It wasn't something he liked to think about, which only furthered Javik's annoyance.

If Grissom Academy wasn't supposedly infested with Cerberus troops, he might've brought Javik instead of Trakes. Give them the _chance_ to interact. Forcing people together, happily or otherwise, was something Shepard was good at. Unfortunately, however, that wouldn't be happening this time around. He had never been to the Academy, and a brief conversation with Ashley and Kaidan revealed she and Trakes had both been. He would need that experience, however minimal, to get through the station. It would be an advantage any smart officer would use.

When Shepard stepped from the elevator, the shuttle was already down and Cortez was nowhere to be seen. Trakes was currently at his locker, rifle resting against the wall, as he stripped to get into his hard suit. The N7 designation flashed as the lieutenant pushed the chest guard aside for the skin-tight black support material.

Wordlessly, Shepard joined him. His own armor locker was several feet from Trakes', but still close enough that the bubbly man could speak. "You sure it's a good idea bringing Ash, Commander?"

"It's an advantage," he replied crisply. "You both know the Academy. You've worked together about as extensively as I have with her."

"She almost shot you!" he hissed.

Shepard sighed as he pulled his uniform shirt overhead. His dog tags bounced off his chest with a metallic clink when the collided with each other. "I appreciate the concern, but this isn't something you need to be involved in." Trakes had paused to glare, _glare_ , at Shepard over the locker. "Would you shut up if I brought Vega, too?"

"Maybe," he said, grunting.

Shepard glanced over his shoulder to Vega's workstation. He couldn't get a good glimpse of the man, but he occasionally saw him as he worked. It was odd seeing someone other than Ashley maintaining the _Normandy's_ stock of weapons. Even when they were with Cerberus and Jacob took it upon himself to clean the guns, Ashley was right there doing it with him. Either she didn't like James, or she didn't feel like she had to do it anymore. Shepard suspected it was a mix of both.

"Hey, Vega! You're up!"

The lieutenant gave a soft whoop of excitement, or as soft as one could be, anyway. James came out a few moments later, joining the two N7s at the equipment lockers to get ready. "Finally. I was gettin' a little paranoid sitting around all day, Loco."

"Happy?" Shepard asked, directing the question to Trakes.

Vega wasn't paying much attention. "Hell yeah, sir."

Shepard's mouth thinned into a line at James' answer, but Trakes gave a curt nod and focused on getting ready. Taking a page from the others' book, Shepard reverted to doing the same. He pulled the standard black support shirt on over his head, picking at the sleeves until his little motion tests were seamless, and then kicked off his boots and cargos to put on the matching pants. It took a little longer to be satisfied with how they fit before he sat to fit his boots back over the rubber-like fabric.

Ashley didn't show up until he was securing the clasps of his chest piece. EDI had since given a proximity alert; a Cerberus cruiser was in sight of the Academy and being guarded by a squadron of fighters. Sneaking the Alliance shuttle past wasn't going to be easy, but Shepard had done dumber things and lived to tell the tale before. Regardless, he grabbed his helmet.

 _Just in case,_ he thought. Getting spaced a second time wasn't high on his list of things to do, but he didn't exactly plan on getting spaced the first time either. Anything could happen and he liked to be prepared for it.

She and Trakes both paused in what they were doing to glower at the other. Shepard, mostly finished with throwing on his gear, watched the stare-down until Ashley, surprisingly, relented in favor of getting ready herself. Trakes gave a satisfied grunt before grabbing his rifle and sticking it across his shoulders. After grabbing a handgun and a bag of ammo, he trooped onto the shuttle without another word.

"Ooh," Vega whistled awkwardly. "Everything okay between you and—"

"Not another word," Ashley snapped, back to both him and Shepard.

James glanced at Shepard, eyes wide in concern, before the Commander decided to bite the bullet. Her locker was across the bay from theirs anyway, near the weapon racks. Acting as casual as he could manage, Shepard took the same shotgun as always and checked that it was loaded, and then stored it on the clasp over the small of his back.

"Everything okay over there?" he whispered.

She wasn't moving, not even to breathe, let alone blink. Just staring hopelessly at that small stone she carried. He caught sight of a thin piece of metal, scarred, as she set it and the stone on top of her locker. "Sarah finally got back to me."

He paused as he reached for his M-8 Avenger-class assault rifle. The way she said it, he knew whatever was about to come out of her mouth wasn't good news, but he had to try. "That's good, right?"

"Lynn's gone."

Shepard froze, dumbfounded. Ashley was visibly trying to lose herself in the motions of undressing, but he couldn't move. He just stared at the side of her head, mouth agape, as his thoughts swirled. What the heck was he supposed to say? She told him she didn't feel anything for her family, but there she was, fighting to keep it together. Briefly, he wondered if it was because she was hurt over the lost opportunity, but then he dismissed it. That wasn't who she was. She hadn't known she cared.

Losing someone was quite the wake-up call.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Ashley stopped for a moment and he saw her swallow. Less than a second later, she kicked the base of her locker hard enough to leave behind a sizeable dent. Then she wordlessly resumed her task, dressing quicker than he'd ever imagined anyone capable of.

"You don't have to come with us," Shepard continued as she brushed past for her weapons.

"Yeah, I do. Otherwise I'm going to do something I regret."

He cautiously reached for her arm, intending to rest his hand on her shoulder, but she smacked him away and fixed him with a heavy stare. Just barely, he could see the bags around her eyes, the fading red from tears.

"Ash—"

"Don't 'Ash' me, Shepard."

He broke at her tone. The anger had dissipated to something more muted. Exhaustion, defeat, loss. It wasn't something he'd ever heard from her, but he knew right away it wasn't something he wanted to hear again.

Then, just as wordlessly as she'd come, Ashley smacked her visor shut and headed for the shuttle.

Cautiously, Vega edged his way towards the Commander. "What was that about?"

Shepard looked away from the retreating figure and inhaled deeply. "Not my place to say, Lieutenant," he replied, putting out the Commander voice. "All the same, don't ask her either."

James shrugged, oblivious, and went for the remainder of his gear as Shepard finished with his. He wasn't sure why his chest ached, but not for lack of sympathy. Lynn had been the one to keep herself collected when he'd shown up at their door to inform them of Ashley's death. She was the one to take the two little boxes from the salarians and turians, and she was the one to tell him to keep from beating himself up over what happened. She was dead, but he was still here, the most undeserving man in the galaxy. The man who couldn't look past his failures to see what everyone else called success.

Lesser men survived while the good died. It was how wars worked, and the brutality of that truth hit him hard.

He glanced at Ashley's locker as James passed him for the shuttle. She had left the strange necklace sit, either forgetting or being too bitter and crushed to care. Shepard grabbed it, barely sparing the stone and old dog tags any mind as he hid it in one of his ammo bags. Whatever it was, it would matter to her later and she would hate herself for losing it. That was reason enough for him to take it.

He hopped into the shuttle a few moments after Vega, turning to grab the hatch and pull it closed. Cortez was finishing up the last preflight checks and conversing rather giddily with James in their usual bullshit way. Meanwhile, Trakes was taking thermal clips from the bag he'd carried in, and then tossed it to Ashley, who caught it so...mechanically that it made the knot in Shepard's chest worsen.

"We're good to go, Commander," Cortez said.

Shepard tore his eyes away to nod. "Take us out."

* * *

The body of a Cerberus trooper sailed overhead in a flash of biotic energy. Another was driven into the ground from one of the students' shockwaves and he rolled, diving down a layer of the tiered garden to dodge getting hit. As he came up, there was the familiar hiss-crack of Trakes' sniper rifle going off, and when he looked, the trail of smoke arced overhead. A trooper was still in the process of collapsing in the water, but it wasn't hard to guess who he'd been pointing his gun at.

Over the roar of the fighting, Shepard could hear someone, Jack, shouting at her students to keep barriers up, protect each other, "take down that ass— guy trying to shoot Shepard and his stupid girlfriend."

Seeing the explosive biotic again wasn't expected, much less in the manner he had. Jack was an instructor the Academy's board of directors had brought in to train the biotic children here. From the brief exchange with a pair of students, her teaching seemed to be rather effective, even if it was a bit unorthodox.

Shepard ducked behind a planter and swapped out his assault rifle for his shotgun. What he was about to do was really, really stupid, and extremely dangerous, but he had done it earlier on Eden Prime. It had even gone off without a hitch, though that wasn't because he was smart. That had been Ashley's doing.

She was ahead of him now, hidden from the fire of a turret in a fashion similar to his. Trakes and Vega were pushing along the upper walkway so the former would have an advantage. This way, Cerberus would be boxed in. It was a stupidly simple plan, but those were always the best.

He turned on his radio. "Ash, I'm gonna make a jump."

Her response: "You're gonna get yourself shot."

"There's a reason I have a barrier," Shepard replied. "Cover me."

At the sound of her returning fire, he leapt to his feet, spun, and launched himself across the atrium. The burst of energy tearing through his muscles faded as he drove the heel of his foot into the side of the turret. It exploded in a rush of heat and shrapnel, taking down his barrier to half charge. That wasn't enough to kill, but he didn't want to lose his momentum. When his foot came back down, he kicked off a trooper's chest with his other and jumped, throwing the remaining energy in his shield pack out in an arc. It took several troopers off their feet and launched them into the various planters, benches, and nearby walls.

"Shepard, you've got a—"

Something slammed into his side and knocked him to the floor. That something ended up being Ashley, and Jack's voice was cut off by the deafening roar of a rocket tearing through a wall. Fire burst from the hole and blanketed the screaming Cerberus troops, spraying water and smoke over the pair.

Another pipe busted within seconds of the original explosion and he rolled, covering her from the flying metal. How many times had she done that for him? Tackled him before he got killed, saved his ass when a missile nearly took his head off? Too many to count. Taking the hit to his shields for her felt like little compared to what she did for him.

Once the excitement died down, Ashley reached up and smacked his visor open before doing the same with hers. "What the hell?"

"I owed you one," he said flatly.

She looked like she was trying to gauge his sanity when something stepped on and crushed the planter they were hidden behind. Another Atlas mech. Two for the Academy, three in the last twenty-four hours. Shepard was getting sick of seeing Cerberus troops.

Before the pilot could waste them both, he scrambled for his shotgun. The instant he was back on his feet and leveling the barrel on the glass, a spray of bullets ricocheted off the cover. The mech reeled back as the pilot inside flinched under what was presumably James' fire. Shepard took the opportunity to jump onto the handholds leading to the hatch, hanging on by a single hand as it rocked. He threw the shotgun to the ground and brought his free hand back, waiting a split second for his biotics to build up, and punched through the bulletproof glass. Shards tore into his hand and left him bloodied, but with the gap created, drawing his pistol to put a bullet into the pilot's head was a simple matter. He let go as the mech staggered, falling back into the pond with a crunch.

Ashley came up behind him as James and Trakes raced down the steps to his side. They took up defensive positions while she fussed over his bloodied hand, pulling small pieces of glass from his fingers with an almost reverent touch. It was nice, he decided, save the fact that she refused to look at him while she applied medigel. She didn't look at him when she was finished either, or when the four of them regrouped to continue forward. Jack was watching from the balcony overhead, leaning on the railing impatiently, while her students recharged with the snacks they carried.

Jack wanted out of this school. So did Shepard. It was too close to Elysium for his comfort, having avoided the colony purposely since the Blitz. This was the closest he'd been in years and it made his head hurt. He wouldn't be picking up on lost sleep when they got back to the _Normandy._ He needed to get drunk, forget about his dead friends and forget about the faces they'd lost on the way through this damn station. This place, this whole damn star system, held bad memories for him.

Cerberus had killed a couple of Jack's students in an ambush after they thought they'd cleared the room. Cerberus dragged a kid off while they were entering the Academy. They harassed another pair hiding behind a tech shield, who then lowered it only to go for the dead troopers' guns to turn on Shepard and his team. He'd been able to talk them down before they did any damage, but scaring kids like that... _human_ kids...it was a new low, even for Cerberus. Scaring them, dragging them off kicking and screaming, taking them for their own sick, twisted form of indoctrination.

These were kids, and the Illusive Man didn't care, so long as it furthered Cerberus' goals.

Now in a ground-level hallway, the four of them didn't have much of anywhere to go when a squad of pissed off Cerberus troops came pounding through the door. Shepard reached for his assault rifle when Vega lobbed a frag grenade down the hall. Instead of pushing his luck, Shepard lunged and hid behind a pillar, stomping over the flowers growing along the wall. A beat later, and a bang shook the hallway. People screamed. Blood splattered the floor and walls.

Shepard felt his gut lurch at the sight of the man who got it the worst. Missing a leg. Shrapnel buried in his abdomen. It was a grisly sight. One they shouldn't have to be witnessing, let alone inflicting, on fellow human beings right now. Not with the Reapers looming overhead, killing people at will.

Before he could do it himself, Ashley marched past, straight through the pools of oddly colored blood, and put a bullet through his head. His whimpers died the instant her handgun went off. She checked the others for pulses, did the same if they were still breathing.

He walked up beside her, dropped a hand on her shoulder. She glanced at him before shrugging his hand off. He said, "I'm proud of you."

"Nobody deserves to die like that," she mumbled. "Not even people as misguided as Cerberus troops. It's not their fault that the Illusive Man does this to them."

Something about that statement stuck with him. Coming from her, it didn't sound right. Ashley didn't pity Cerberus or anyone in the organization. She was about as ruthless with them as he was with Reaper forces, but seeing her make their last few seconds as painless as she could... Shepard didn't deserve her. In her shoes, he would've walked past and left them to their suffering. That's what he had honestly expected her to do as well.

Ashley still managed to be a better person than he was. She didn't deserve the crap she got, and her sister certainly didn't deserve to get killed.

He took a deep breath. _Become a better person for them._

For Ashley. For her sister. For himself, and his lost squad on Elysium. Even for Jenkins, who hadn't crossed his mind in months. But most importantly, he vowed to better himself for the people around him, the dead Cerberus troops. _Especially_ for the Cerberus troops.


	74. Chapter 74

"Contacts on the walkway!" Trakes shouted.

Shepard's head snapped up and around as he ducked back into cover, dodging a round that could've taken his head off. Sure enough, Cerberus troops had busted through the set of doors Jack and her students had gone through moments before. If they were smart, they'd just hug the wall so Shepard and his team couldn't shoot them.

And as recklessly dumb the organization's experiments were, Cerberus was anything but stupid.

His mind raced for a solution. Jack needed time to get her kids to the shuttles. With Cerberus breathing down her neck, that might be impossible.

 _Fuck it._

"Ash!" She was past the statue of Jon Grissom, hidden behind a support beam but parallel to him. At his order, she slid back into cover and followed his gaze as he nodded to the walkway. Her only answer was a thumbs-up. But before she could run off solo, he leapt to his feet and dashed to her side, skidding the last few inches. She caught him before he could hit the floor, and shoved him against the wall at her side.

"Can you even get up there?"

"You're seriously doubting what I can get myself into with my biotics," Shepard replied. "And besides, there's a ramp."

"You're gonna get shot," she repeated.

He grinned even though she couldn't see it past his helmet. "Haven't yet."

"That's got to be a record."

"For you, maybe."

He thought she scoffed, but he wasn't sure. It was hard to hear his own thoughts over the roar of the gunfire, much less their brief banter. "I'll head up first. Think you can handle watching my back?"

"Like a hawk," he said.

"You know what I meant," Ashley retorted, exasperated.

Shepard nodded and pulled his assault rifle off his back. The rifle felt like it was vibrating; he needed to reload soon, but Ashley was already gone, heading for the closed set of doors across from them. He sighed and spun, dropping to his knees as he sighted a trooper dropping from the walkway. He didn't hit the ground alive.

Back into cover, reload. Snort and shake his head as she showed off, jumping and effortlessly pulling herself up onto the ledge. Pop back out, drop a pair advancing along the ground in his direction. Hide as a grenade bounced off the beam. Flinch briefly. Run.

He leapt onto the handrail along the ramp, bracing himself with the palms of his hands. Bullets zinged off his barrier and the area around him. If he thought his heart couldn't beat any faster, he was wrong. His barrier was already down to seventy-five percent, and it had been less than five seconds. Instead of wasting the time to ask what happened to covering fire, Shepard stuck his foot in the panelling over a fuse box and pushed, shoving himself halfway up to the walkway. A biotic-fueled kick forced him up the last of the ramp and to the railing. Slipping over it was easy enough, but there wasn't any cover for him, and it stuck him in the middle of Ashley's shootout with Cerberus.

Shepard didn't even stop to blink, but hit the floor. The edge of his pistol bit into his hip as he returned his rifle to his hands. He braced the gun against his shoulder and pulled the trigger. Another coming from the door fell as Ashley hit the deck beside him.

"You know how long it's been since I shot from the ground?" he asked.

Ashley didn't look at him. "Fifteen hours exactly."

He shot another man, a centurion. A few shots to the chest punched through his shields and one final round tore through his chest, killing him. "I really hate it when you do that."

"Do what?"

"Weird Cerberus shit," Shepard answered.

Her gun went off while he fidgeted to get the handgun out from beneath him. "What, am I supposed to apologize?"

"Nah," he said, righting himself. Once he was settled, he brought his assault rifle into his arm again. Another pair started rushing from the door to the walkway, and he took the one to the left down while she dropped the one on the right. "Just an observation."

"So what you're saying is I should be sarcastic more often."

"Uh..." He chanced a look in her direction in the small break. Ashley was still staring down at the door, but he couldn't see her past her visor, just like she couldn't see him past his. "Was that sarcastic?"

"Do you think it was?"

Shepard sighed. "You and I are in for a talk back on the ship."

"Wouldn't you rather, I don't know, talk to someone who has their own personality?"

"We're not doing this right now."

A squad came through the door and he refocused his aim. Several white forms jumped down to the courtyard only to be cut down by Trakes' sniper rifle, but the rest came running for Jack and her students. He didn't know who, but one of them launched a singularity over his and Ashley's heads into the thick of the squad. Jack's praise for Prangley answered his unasked question; that kid was going to make one powerful biotic.

He and Ashley finished up with the struggling soldiers, scrambling to get ahold of their weapons as they floated out of their reach. For several painstakingly slow minutes, the room was silent. Shepard braced a hand under his chest and pushed himself to his knees, looking back to see Jack ushering Prangley and Rodriguez out to the shuttle where Sanders and the remaining students were waiting.

None of Shepard's party moved to follow.

"You think they're done?" James asked over the radio.

"It's Cerberus," Trakes said. "They're never done."

"Hold your positions," Shepard ordered. "Cover the main door. Ash, on me." Wordlessly, she hopped to her feet and fell in on his flank. She was less than a half a step behind him as they advanced on the door Cerberus was using. It had closed after the last team came through, so he went ahead and took a position by the far side, leaving her to the closest. He used his omni-tool to hack through the lock, and once it was open, they spun into the room.

Their answer was the familiar whirring of a chain gun spinning up.

They both ran back for the cover of the door, but he wasn't as fast as he'd hoped. A bullet caught him in the thigh and he staggered as pain seared through his leg. Normal guns shot rounds the size of a grain of sand, and they were powerful enough to punch real holes in someone's body. Not microscopic crap like civilians thought, but they tore you up. The bigger the gun, though, the bigger the bullet, and he didn't even want to know what his leg looked like now.

Ashley grabbed him by the arm and hauled him upright, back to the safety of the door. She let him sink to the floor with a pained groan, hand instinctively seeking out the injury to stifle the blood flow, while she messed with the controls. There was a hiss before it snapped shut.

Shepard put a hand up to his radio and said, "There's a mech."

"Well fuck that," Trakes grumbled.

 _Four in less than a day. Shit on a fucking stick,_ Shepard thought.

He dropped his arm to his side and sighed, allowing his head to fall back against the wall. Everything, all the tension, all the energy, it seemed to leak out of him with the sticky puddle under his leg. He couldn't feel anything else, not even the probing fingers Ashley was sticking around the wound. It felt like someone drove an iron through his leg.

He felt more than heard his visor slide open. Shepard forced himself to look at her, but even though she'd opened his helmet, hers was still shut. Checking to make sure he wasn't going into shock, making sure he was still conscious.

"You...were right," he said, trying for a joke. "I got shot."

Ashley paused as she fumbled to smear medigel on the bleeding wound. He could see red staining her hands, staining his own hand that she had since moved. "I didn't want you to."

Shepard groaned as he shifted his weight. "Didn't say you did. Just...said you were right."

Her fingers brushed over the injury and he hissed, flinching. Ashley didn't pause; they had about thirty seconds to get him patched up and ready to fight before that mech made it up the stairs, and he imagined she didn't want to be caught in the open either.

"I don't like being right," she said.

"I'll be fine."

Ashley froze as she lifted his leg to seal the exit wound. Then she smacked open her own visor and turned her eyes on him, fixing Shepard with the heaviest stare he'd ever seen her manage. "You better be. I'm not losing you, too."

He swallowed when she looked away, nodding at the side of her head.

"You won't."

* * *

The shuttle ride back to the _Normandy_ wasn't as energetic as it usually was. Even Jack, who had been excited and breathless, exhilarated really, had grown more muted while they waited for the ship to meet them at the rendezvous point. Despite having Vega, easily the largest person on board, up in the pilot's seat with Kahlee Sanders occupying the copilot's, the body of the shuttle was more than a little crowded.

Shepard glanced across the small space to Ashley and Trakes, the latter of which was doing something with his hands. Ash seemed pretty distracted by it, holding her helmet in her lap to stare at the lieutenant's hands as he moved them in strange, complex motions, but it looked like it was relaxing her, so Shepard couldn't necessarily be upset by it.

"I hate Cerberus," Jack grumbled from beside him.

He smiled at her cover of a curse, clasping his own hands together as he leaned forward over his knees. "A lot of people do."

"They came after _kids,_ Shepard. _My_ kids."

"That surprises you? After what you went through?" he countered.

She shook her head, and not for the first time, his eyes were drawn to the crop of hair she was maintaining. It looked good on her, he decided. "Pisses me off," Jack said. "I wanna help you stick it to TIM, but I gotta look after these guys."

"TIM?" Shepard asked.

"Illusive Man," Ashley said. He barely glanced at her; she was eavesdropping and still keeping up with whatever Trakes was doing. There was no pang of jealousy watching them. He was just glad Trakes knew her well enough to help keep her mind off the increasing claustrophobia as they drifted through space.

Jack elbowed him as he relaxed against the cushioning of his seat. "You need to get laid."

Shepard allowed his eyes to drift shut and somewhere, he was vaguely aware of Ashley's scoff. Her and Jack went at it as quietly as they could manage with the snoozing students, crowded around the other seats and the floor. His arms went over his chest as his head fell back against the cool metal of the wall, and he let out a breath.

A face. One of the kids as Cerberus shot him. Shepard felt his throat tighten. The shuttle rocked as he saw another of the students die; this time it was the injured girl they had stopped for near the classrooms. Her brother was sitting next to the Commander, but on the floor. She had died in Shepard's arms while Ashley fumbled to seal her wounds with medigel. And while they'd managed to stop the bleeding, they still hadn't gotten to her in time.

 _"Too much blood loss, Skipper,"_ _Ashley said. He didn't want to let go, staring at her lifeless eyes as she stared past the side of his head. His stomach twisted into knots; nausea. The last time he'd held a kid as they died..._ _"Shepard, come on. We can't do anything for her."_

 _Kids shouldn't be casualties of war. War was for adults. What did they do to have this brought upon their heads?_

 _Seanne,_ he thought. _Bellarmine._ Shepard wasn't going to forget her name or her face. He hadn't forgotten the faces of the children he'd seen the batarians gun down during the Blitz, and while Seanne had been much older than they, she was still a kid. A young adult, a teenager. Shepard had seen them die too. He'd seen so many people die, and every time he dreamt of Elysium, he saw them. He saw the faces of everyone he failed. His squad, the civilians he'd rallied.

Seanne's face would be joining theirs. He could feel it.

The Illusive Man had a lot to answer for.

For a while, he let himself doze. The relaxed breathing of the students by his feet, from Jack, it set him at ease. Shepard didn't think he would ever be able to relax so thoroughly near Elysium. The colony was the epitome of everything good about the Alliance, not unlike Eden Prime, and it had become a target for the lawless gangs of the Terminus Systems. And like Eden Prime, it had become a bloodbath.

The rest was welcome. He knew he wouldn't be getting it anytime after dropping Jack and her students off at the Citadel. He'd be stuck for a trip to the med bay, where he'd listen to Mordin chatter away about something or other while he attempted to sleep through his nightmares.

 _Check on Kaidan,_ he reminded himself. _See what Miranda's up to. Make a trip through the Presidium to see if I need anything. Stop at Udina's office. Stop at Bryson's lab._ He strained to recall if that was all he had to do once they docked, but nothing else jumped to mind. He would have to check his terminal when they met back up with the _Normandy._

A hand on his shoulder roused him. Kahlee Sanders, director of the Academy. She'd recognized Trakes and Ashley, and apparently knew Anderson. Blonde hair with a healthy gray streak was what caught Shepard's attention. He wondered if she dyed it blonde.

"Commander?"

"Hmm?" Shepard sat upright and ran the back of his arm across his eyes, momentarily forgetting the ceramic plates coating his body. They scraped over his eyelids and he frowned, dropping the offending appendage back into his lap.

"Your ship is en route," she said. "Five minutes."

He nodded and stifled a yawn. While Sanders went back to her seat in the front of the shuttle, he swung his helmet back onto his head and stood, fighting back a pained grimace. A quick nudge to her shin woke Jack, muttering curses under her breath as he opted to step past the students for the rest of his party. He briefly glanced at Ashley, sitting in a position similar to his, as she stared blankly at her hands. Had she fallen asleep with her eyes open?

Shepard crouched by her knees and peeked at her. "You up?"

"My eyes are open, aren't they?"

"Ah well, you looked a little...y'know, out of it."

"Thinking."

He shrugged and stood back up, bumping Trakes. He was definitely sleeping, head resting on the wall and mouth slightly open. Shepard wasn't exactly sure how old his fellow N7 was, but he looked far older without his typical smile plastered to his face. He wondered what he did to even catch the Alliance's attention, to get the recommendation for N school.

Then he remembered; every recommendation came at a price, and he doubted Trakes liked talking about it.

He nudged him again. "Wake up," Shepard said, harsher than he intended. When Trakes just grunted, Ashley elbowed him. He shot upright in less than a second, eyes snapping open to take in his surroundings. "Morning, Sleeping Beauty."

"Morning," Trakes retorted, running a hand down his face. "We hit the _Normandy_ yet?"

"No," was Shepard's flat response.

He straightened and headed for the cockpit, leaving the two marines to their thing while he joined Vega. One of his arms went across the headrest so he could lean on it, reaching past to open the comm with the ship.

"EDI?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"Have a team prepare the portside observation lounge for emergency crew space. We've got ten kids and a couple of adults who'll be needing a place to stay until we dock at the Citadel. And put it in the requisitions officer's notes that we might need a restock of food; they're biotics."

"Right away," EDI answered.

"You're clear to dock," Joker reported. "Cortez is on standby to rip apart the Cerberus shuttle for parts."

"Plot a course for the Citadel."

"Roger that, Commander," Joker said. " _Normandy_ out."

He closed the link and stood up straight, letting out a breath of exhaustion. Today was not a good day. They'd lost students to Cerberus, either to be indoctrinated or killed, and Shepard's patience was wearing thin. They were fighting Cerberus more than they were fighting the Reapers. Part of him idly wondered if that was good or bad. It either meant the Reapers hadn't gotten far in their harvest yet, or it meant that there wasn't much they could do to help.

 _Probably both,_ he thought.

"You all right, Loco?"

Shepard nodded. "Fine." To change the subject, he clasped a hand around the younger man's shoulder and said, "Good flying. Set us down easy and don't crash into our shuttle."

James grinned. "Understood, Commander."

He stepped over one of the girls and returned to his seat next to Jack, stretching his injured leg out as best as he could. It hurt to do, but it felt good once he'd done it. Standing was going to be a pain in the ass.

 _Thank God we're headed to the Citadel,_ he thought. Shepard didn't want to do much of anything on that leg, much less run around shooting at rachni, Reapers, or Cerberus troops. Just thinking of their backed-up mission log made him groan. After they were finished on the Citadel, a run out to find Wrex's missing team of commandos was in order, and then a run for the Primarch's men, and then a run to the other end of the galaxy to raid a Cerberus base for the Alliance.

Shepard wasn't sure when he was going to find the time to recover, let alone sleep, but he'd done stranger things with less energy. He would get it done. He always did. Failure wasn't an option.


	75. Chapter 75

Floating in and out of consciousness was strangely calming. He found his thoughts a muddled mess of words and nonsensical shapes, and it was better than the alternative...whatever that was. Not being able to figure out what the horrible alternative was was probably the best part. Whenever he started getting anxious, he could just dismiss it.

The beauty of painkillers and anesthetics.

Shepard enjoyed the half-aware drifting while it lasted, but it was only there for a short time. The bare minimum, just like he'd ordered. He needed to be functional by the time the _Normandy_ docked at the Citadel, and as much as he trusted her, Shepard didn't like leaving his ship under Ashley's command. It was his ship for a reason; no one took his ship from him. Besides, he doubted she enjoyed being in charge of an entire ship anyway. She hadn't been thrilled to lead the second team through the Collector base. Why would that change now?

He ran a hand over his face, and then rolled onto his side, flinging his legs over the side of the bed. Mordin was, unsurprisingly, chattering away with Eve about something or other; it sounded like his first encounter with Wrex. As Chakwas turned to come check on him, Shepard's thoughts wandered back to the day his old krogan teammate had first seen him since Cerberus' resurrection. The biggest, goofiest smile a krogan could muster and a headache later, and Wrex had given them the location (or the means to find the location) of Mordin's missing friend.

Shepard had saved data that might be crucial to curing the genophage. He was glad he did.

"How are you feeling, Commander?" Chakwas asked.

He looked down at his leg and carefully smoothed a hand over where he knew it would be. There was a small bulge; gauze over the hastily applied medigel. He could feel himself sitting on another patch, on the underside of his thigh. Touching it didn't seem to faze him, so he motioned for the doctor to move before gingerly sliding to his feet. Standing sent tiny lances of hot fire through his nerves, but it quickly faded to a dull ache.

"Like shit," he admitted. "My eyes burn and my leg feels heavy, but..." Shepard trailed off with a shrug. "It's nothing I haven't dealt with before." He rubbed his eyes for emphasis, but when he removed his fist, Chakwas was still eyeing him suspiciously. "Why are you looking at me like that? I'll be fine."

She nodded, though she didn't look like she believed him. "Take it easy for a few days. The bullet nearly tore through your artery; don't stress the wound and risk making the damage worse."

Shepard swallowed and unconsciously rubbed his leg. That was a little too close to death for his comfort. He was a lucky man, and it wasn't often he could say that. His answer was a terse nod. "You got it, Doc."

Chakwas almost smiled in that mother-hen way of hers, seemingly satisfied with that response.

"Am I good to go?"

"Yes," she said. "Like I said, take it easy. If it hurts, let me know. I might have something for the pain."

He nodded again as she returned to her desk, pulling several things from the drawers before leading him back out to the crew deck. Shepard's steps were careful, but he was pleasantly surprised when walking wasn't cripplingly painful. Sure, it still sucked ass and he would rather crawl into bed and die, but it wasn't going to stop him from getting his job done. Of all the people in the galaxy, he was probably the last person who could just lay down and take it. If he did, there would be a lot of dead people under his name.

Shepard had trained himself to handle loss; it was war and people, innocent or otherwise, died all the time. That didn't mean he had to like it, let alone tolerate all the lives weighing on him. His rational mind said focus on getting to the end and fuck whomever didn't make it that far. His irrational mind said save as many as possible.

 _The last time I did the "right thing," I got the only person who ever cared about me killed._

He swallowed past a rapidly forming lump in his throat and turned for the mess hall. Even though he hadn't been paying attention moments before, Shepard knew he was hungry. Taking down that last mech had been excruciatingly difficult. Its pilot seemed to have a better grasp of what he was doing, so Shepard had to put on a little more flair than he was used to. It had wiped him out; hence, his desperate need for a nap while they had waited to rendezvous with the _Normandy._

He went through a raid of the shelves, grabbing enough protein bars and energy drinks to feed a small army, and decided to check on Jack. If they hadn't already gotten anything, her students would be starving and exhausted. Jack, however, didn't seem to have that problem. She'd never had to go on snack raids like he or Kaidan did, and it was oddly comforting. He imagined if Jack needed to refuel in the same manner he did, the _Normandy_ would've had to resupply more often than it already had.

 _More "seamless" Cerberus improvements,_ he thought bitterly.

Shepard had tried to refrain from hating Cerberus on principle. Their ideals were noble; they just didn't execute their plans in noble ways. Besides, he'd met a lot of good men and women while he was working with the shady organization, and they turned out fine.

But it had quickly become apparent the more he worked with Cerberus and the Illusive Man, the smarter it was to just hate them and be done with it. The last few days had done nothing to alleviate his fears. Whatever Cerberus had been before, the Reaper War was bringing out their true colors. Extremists. Terrorists. Racists.

Shepard never thought he was capable of hating something, or someone, so vehemently.

As he approached the port observation deck, he shifted his grip on his pile of food and smacked the glowing lock open. When he stepped inside, he saw the Alliance's idea of "emergency crew space." Anything that wasn't essential or bolted to the floor was moved into the small area with the poker table, and then sealed off so the Academy personnel had places to sleep. All in all, it wasn't bad for the more warning he gave the crew. Shepard was impressed.

Most of the students were, unsurprisingly, sleeping. A couple had spread out on the bench nestled against the wall, but most had found places on the floor where they were out of the road. Jack was awake, scrolling through a datapad, and Prangley, the terrifyingly powerful kid that had managed to pull off a singularity, was also up. Unlike Jack, however, he didn't seem to have anything to do. He was flipping through random photos on his omni-tool and staring at them with wistful eyes.

Shepard refocused himself before he got lost in his thoughts and turned for the bar, dropping the food and drinks on the counter. Jack glanced at him briefly as he passed her, hopping to her feet to follow. The liquor had been locked up so the kids couldn't get at it, which probably ruined the entire experience for her.

"They get anything to eat?" he whispered, flicking his eyes to her students.

Jack shook her head. "I like to keep them refreshed, but I'm not a miracle worker, Shepard. You think I stored their snacks up my—" She cut herself off with a frown as he handed her one of the ship's token snack bars. Fruit flavored, always. He doubted she'd ever eaten one, considering they kept them in stock for the biotics and she apparently never needed the recharge.

"Sounds to me like military life suits you," Shepard commented, leaning against the bar with crossed arms as he tore one open.

Jack scoffed. "Running back to the Alliance was your dream, not mine, Boy Scout."

He shrugged and past a mouthful, said, "Would you change anything?"

"I would've killed more Cerberus operatives."

Shepard smiled faintly. "Ah, well, I can't blame you for that. Cerberus has gotten worse over the last couple months."

Jack eyed him as she chewed. "This was always what Cerberus was like. Ask your girlfriend. She'll tell you." She looked away, watching Prangley as he swiped through his omni-tool and ran his hand through a girl's hair while she slept. "Bet TIM made her do some horrible sh—stuff."

"I don't like to ask her about it," Shepard said, "for the same reason I don't like to ask you about what Cerberus did when you were a kid. It's not fair to make either of you relive that kind of crap."

"You didn't have a problem tying her to a chair in a room they tortured her in."

He swallowed, paused, and then reached for one of the flavored drinks as he set the protein bar aside. "That was different...before I cared. No offense, Jack, but if I had needed to do the same to you to get dirt on Cerberus, I would've done it without batting an eyelash."

"Would you now?"

Shepard shook his head. "I'm not putting anyone through that pain just to take Cerberus down."

"Anything is worth taking them down, Shepard."

The venom in her voice didn't surprise him. Jack, while having clearly undergone some maturing since he last saw her, was still the same person he picked up from Purgatory. She had every right to hate Cerberus and the Illusive Man.

"It's not worth it. Not if we lose our humanity in the process. Then we're just as bad as they are."

Jack laughed this bitter little thing that caught him off-guard. "You really think anyone's going to care how much you babied them as you killed them? Hell no. Cerberus deserves everything they get."

"Not all of them are bad," he said. "Miranda's not. Jacob's not. Ashley's not." That made her scoff. "Kelly's not. Gabby and Ken aren't, and neither are you. Even EDI came out better than Cerberus could've intended."

"Thank you, Shepard," the AI interrupted. A couple of Jack's students stirred at the voice and Prangley looked up, seemingly acknowledging Shepard's presence for the first time. The kid smiled meekly and shifted his gaze elsewhere, uncomfortable.

"Make sure they get something to eat," Shepard said as he stood from his position against the bar. "I'll have to report to Hackett to let him know you're coming. If you're lucky, he'll have an assignment for you and your students before we even hit the Citadel."

Jack nodded wordlessly, and after another moment, he stuck his bottle of juice into one of his pockets before heading out to the crew deck. A couple marines were now standing in front of the memorial wall, but at the sight of him, saluted and quickly scrambled back to their duties. He frowned as he walked after them, stopping in front of the wall himself.

Shepard realized he'd never stopped to remember that the SR-1 was gone. He knew it was. He remembered it everyday, was forced to when he looked in the mirror. His first command and it was gone, replaced by Cerberus' not-so-cheap knock off and now remade with Alliance colors.

 _I belong up there,_ he thought. _I shouldn't be here, either._

Shepard shook his head to rid himself of the thoughts. Those were the kind of thoughts that got you psych evals. He'd had enough of those to last a lifetime, and if he managed to survive this war, he imagined he would be in for a lot more. It wasn't everyday someone watched as people gunned down kids, took them for twisted experiments. How he managed to rest so easily in the med bay was anybody's guess, but he chocked that up to the meds Chakwas had him on.

 _I'm going to need those sleeping pills tonight._

He ran a hand down his face and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as he stared at his boots. These were the people he promised to do better for.

After preparing himself for the protests of his injured leg, Shepard stood at attention and swung an arm up to his brow in the cleanest salute he'd ever managed. The ache in his thigh turned to a pained throb after a couple seconds and he relaxed, allowing his arm to fall lamely back to his side. It wasn't enough. They deserved better than him. Any one of them was more deserving of being here than he was. It was his fault they were gone. He allowed the Council to bury Sovereign as an isolated threat, allowed them to send him and his crew searching for geth activity instead of looking for ways to stop the Reapers. Shepard doubted it would've stopped them from sending the Collectors after his ship, but maybe they would've been ready for it.

So many what-ifs. It made him sick.

Shepard forced himself to turn away. He was conscious and moving, so he was working. When he was working, there was none of that human shit. He was Commander Shepard and he had to act like it. Commander Shepard was unstoppable, flawless, infallible. Kyler Shepard was another matter altogether, someone he didn't even think existed until moments like these. Kyler cared too much. Commander Shepard couldn't afford that luxury. Only when his own nature interfered with his duty did it become a problem, and unfortunately, the further the war progressed, the more it interfered.

He didn't like that he let himself defeat his training, but the one time he hadn't, he'd lost Ashley. It wasn't something he was going to repeat, not if the results led to devastation like that. So far, letting his conscience win over his perceived notion of himself had shown the best results. Perhaps letting Kyler leak into Commander Shepard wouldn't be as bad as he'd originally thought.

He hit the button for the elevator, and by the time it arrived from wherever it had been, he had pulled himself together. Straight face, standing as tall as he could manage on his leg. Reevaluating his style of command was better left for another time, particularly one where he wasn't standing out in the open where his crew could see. They needed to believe the façade he put on every morning, even if he didn't.

 _And that's going to be step one,_ Shepard told himself. _Realizing that "Commander Shepard" isn't his own person, but part of me. He_ is _me._

"Fuck," he muttered under his breath. Figuring himself out wasn't going to be fun.

He stepped onto the elevator and hit the button to take him to the CIC. _I am Commander Shepard._ He bounced on the balls of his feet, stressing the gunshot wound but taking his thoughts elsewhere. _Commander Shepard can be human._ More agitated bouncing. _Why was it so easy on the SR-1? What's different about me now that I can't just accept that I'm human?_

The elevator dinged and he stopped his bouncing abruptly. His leg practically screamed with relief. Shepard let out a breath he wasn't aware he'd been holding.

 _Note to self: Mom was right. Don't think. Just do._

Something about that statement was oddly comforting. He thought too much; that was his problem. On the SR-1, he had just done what felt right. After Cerberus brought him back, Shepard had started _thinking_ about what was right. Thinking about it instead of just doing it got Ashley killed. While he was glad to have both Kaidan and Ashley alive and as safe as they could be, he stuck that in the forefront of his mind again. That would be his example. Virmire was the perfect example as to why he should stop thinking about these things.

He didn't realize he was standing in the comm room until Sanders attempted to step past him. Shepard jumped a little, but got out of her way as she left. For a moment, he just stared at her as she retreated, but then brought himself back to reality.

"EDI, set up a link with Admiral Hackett."

"Yes, Commander."

Shepard stepped up to the terminal as Hackett's form fizzled into view. The admiral's mouth was moving, but he wasn't hearing anything. "What's with the interference?"

"It is possible our presence in Reaper space—"

He held up a hand, hopefully to keep Hackett from talking to nothing, and to cut EDI off. "We haven't had this issue before. Try cleaning it up."

"I have done what I can." There was no change in the transmission. "Jeff is requesting you in the cockpit."

Shepard frowned. "Tell him I'll be there. Right now, I want you to send a message to Hackett and tell him we're having problems with the QEC. Let him know we're sending Jack and her students his way, along with Kahlee Sanders."

"Of course," EDI said.

He reached over and terminated the connection before heading back into the war room. A display of the Alliance's progress with what they'd dubbed the Crucible was rotating in the center of the room. Victus was working near it, coordinating the turians' military, while Wrex was hanging along the sidelines on a terminal near the door. Shepard was all about cooperation, but he didn't want either of the men near each other any longer than possible. That was asking for Wrex to smash Victus' head in.

Shepard marched past both diplomats, walking through the scanner again before returning to the CIC. Traynor was typing furiously on her computer as Ashley leaned over her shoulder, brows furrowed.

He edged his way closer to them. "Something the matter?"

"Communications are scrambled," Traynor said. "I don't know what it is. I've gone through our systems five times now and there's nothing wrong."

His frown deepened.

"We picked up a distress call from Elysium," Ashley added. "It wasn't really clear, but..."

"It cut out," Traynor supplied.

"You think it's the Reapers?" he asked.

Traynor shrugged helplessly, but Ash didn't do anything except stare at the specialist's screens. "I don't know, Commander. Whatever's causing the interference is powerful to knock out our connection with the planet."

"It's the Reapers." Traynor froze and Ashley finally looked at him, and both women were frowning. "They must've taken out the comm buoys. Traynor, I don't care what frequency you have to use, but do whatever you can to get a warning down to the colony. If someone gives you shit, tell them it's on Spectre authority. Understood?"

She nodded. "Yes, sir."

He shifted gazes. "You clear the decks. Quietly. Make sure our comms issue isn't internal and shoot anyone if they try to stop you."

Ashley's mouth thinned into a line, but she nodded.

"Why would someone try to stop you?" Traynor asked.

"Indoctrination," Shepard answered. "And don't let me find out it was you, Ashley."

Her brows shot up, surprised, but she nodded again. "I've been here the whole time, so you'll be thrilled to know it couldn't have been me."

"Don't," he snapped.

And without another word, he turned to join the pilot.

If anyone on his ship was indoctrinated, Shepard would kill them himself.


	76. Chapter 76

**A/N** **: This chapter was hard to write. Not because of the content, but because it felt like it was going nowhere fast. I rewrote it multiple times and this was the best version I felt I had. I hope you guys enjoy it as short as it is.**

 **Towards the end, it gets a little nerdy with the ships and stuff, and then the Seventh Fleet pops up. There's not much info on it aside from the fact that it guards the relay to Eden Prime, but since Alliance fleets have designated systems they can jump to, I figured the lack of a fleet around Elysium was stupid, and that the Seventh Fleet was also tasked with guarding Elysium. Admiral Thompson has no place in canon; I just made him up. Whether or not he gets mentioned again or becomes important is a moot point, considering I write this as I go.**

 **For those of you who may be interested, I write one shots covering ME1 for these guys (or covering random scenes that probably won't make it into this). Just a heads up that there will be a Halloween themed one coming up shortly!**

 **Anyway, yay for transition chapters! Hope you guys like this one (as much as I don't, ugh).**

* * *

Her first destination was engineering, where they had security cameras and monitors set up in one of the off-rooms. It was currently being occupied by a Battlespace reporter Shepard had agreed to allow on board, Diana Allers. Why he'd invited the woman onto the _Normandy_ escaped Ashley, but she wasn't going to say a word. Not unless Allers proved to be a nuisance, or something much, much worse.

When Ashley stepped into the room, she was greeted by voices. Allers' and one of the ensign's, Copeland if she remembered correctly. They were arguing.

"What's going on down here?"

Copeland jumped to attention as he whirled around, arm snapping up to his brow in a salute. Ashley's answer was a raised brow as he said, "Nothing, ma'am. Allers was just...voicing an opinion."

"On what?"

He swallowed, but a sharp look on her part got him to open up. "She was saying we don't need Terra Nova, ma'am."

"Yes, but the Alliance doesn't need to save one colony if they can save five down the road!" Allers protested.

Ashley looked between the two of them, and then jerked her head to the door. "Save it for later, Ensign. Bring it to Shepard's attention if it's really bothering you." He nodded hurriedly and marched from the room without another word. "And you, Allers, be careful what you say. A lot of these people were there when Shepard saved the colony from batarians."

The reporter nodded and watched as Ashley turned for the security station. She was going through the recordings of the crew deck when Allers walked up beside her. Her heels were ridiculous and that leather dress just made Ashley feel more awkward than she already did.

"What's happening?" Allers asked quietly.

Ashley hesitated, but then decided her usual honesty would work out fine either way. "Comm buoys are down and any short range communication we have is scrambled. Shepard thinks it might be internal, that someone's indoctrinated. I'm making sure he's wrong while Traynor tries to contact Illyria."

"The Reapers...?"

"Are in the star system," Ashley confirmed. "They're headed here now. Once I'm finished, we have to bug out or risk getting shot down."

Allers was quiet for a moment, but then asked, "How will video feeds show whether or not someone's indoctrinated?"

"I know what to look for."

While Diana chattered away, Ashley flicked through vids of each deck and every room on the _Normandy._ Drowning the woman out wasn't hard; Ashley had a lot of practice with ignoring people. It came in handy now, having to strain to differentiate between voices on vids and Allers' annoying accent, but once she'd made sure no one had entered the comm room, she shut it off. Another click took her down to the crew deck and she brought up the archives from the portside observation deck. She backtracked the last couple hours to make sure the students stayed with Jack. Sanders left once, but she'd been attempting to use the QEC to contact Anderson. Like Shepard's recorded efforts to contact Hackett, she failed. Grissom Academy's personnel were clear.

 _So it's one of the crew, then,_ Ashley decided. _Or the Reapers have a way to shut down comms from a distance._ She was acutely aware of how irritating both options were.

She checked the other observation deck as well, though she knew she was the only person to ever use it. Empty, exactly as she'd suspected. Crew quarters, life support, the XO office, gun battery, med bay, all clear. Even the mess hall just held its usual, a couple people here and there while on break. Nothing suspicious.

Ashley switched to engineering when EDI's voice came over the intercom.

"Proximity alert."

She didn't stop to listen to the rest of the warning. After grabbing Diana's arm and wheeling her around, she pushed her towards the door. "Portside of the ship! Go!"

How the woman managed to run in those heels was a mystery. Ashley didn't even want to know.

Instead of following, she turned and headed into the main section of the deck. Adams was already shouting orders to his team, unlocking cabinets sealed into the wall that would pull out safety harnesses and oxygen masks. If they got hit, those masks wouldn't be very useful.

Ashley smacked the release for the cabinet near her. Several hands from the shuttle bay would have to come up to engineering to get somewhere safe, and the engineering crew had already taken the space down on port. Once he'd handed control of the systems over to EDI, Adams joined them. Donnelly, Daniels, Trakes, Allers, Adams. The Prothean showed up, evidently disgruntled, as Ashley was strapping herself into her own seat, but he made a point of taking one of the other ten seats. The remaining thirteen were quickly filled in by the personnel from the cargo hold, and she was grateful that Cortez was the first through the doors instead of Vega. If she had to spend God only knows how long listening to the man flirt with her, Ashley thought she might explode.

Once the lot of them had found their seats, she started passing the oxygen masks down the row, saving herself for last. The air tasted wrong coming through its filters, but it always did.

"Redirecting non-critical power. Sealing bulkheads."

Ashley heard the familiar snap-hiss of the door to the drive core closing. On her right, the lock for the door to the remainder of the deck turned red, and someone yelped when the lights were killed.

"All crew brace for acceleration to FTL."

Cortez's head snapped off hers hard enough that she saw stars. For a brief moment, he was practically laying on her as she threatened to fall out of her seat. Ashley braced a hand on the wall above her and squeezed her eyes shut.

"I didn't realize the inertial dampeners were non-critical," he grumbled.

"The ship needs warm-up time just like your shuttle," someone else retorted. "Reapers don't play fair."

The sudden snap upright was painful. Her head hit Cortez as the force stopped and there was a collective groan as the lights came on.

"How long was that?"

"Watch says five minutes."

"Let's not do that again."

The tension in her muscles seeped out of her as she forced herself to relax, dropping her head against the wall behind them. Cortez muttered an apology that she returned, but those five minutes of fighting FTL speeds were exhausting. She wasn't the only one to be enjoying the few seconds that EDI would make them sit out.

Ashley forced her eyes open at the relieved chatter overtaking engineering. The overhead lights weren't on yet, but red lights under the floor had kicked on. The glow peeked out from under her boots in such an eerie fashion that Ashley found herself stuck staring at it. It reminded her of the color that would creep into her vision when she lost control of herself. Reminded her of blood. The thought made her shudder and she fought to focus her gaze elsewhere.

"We left the colony," someone said.

"How could the Commander do that?"

"He saved Elysium once," another voice retorted. "He probably got sick of pandering to humanity's elite."

"Quiet, all of you." Adams.

Ashley threw off her oxygen mask and stuffed it back in the open port beside her. "This ship and her crew are more important to the war than one colony. We can't afford to make stops for every planet the Reapers attack." And despite EDI not giving the all-clear for them to disengage their safety harnesses, Ashley did it anyway. It felt good to stand, to pull the clenched muscles in her neck and shoulders.

She felt like there was something else she should say, but nothing came to mind. Instead, Ashley marched through the door (after momentarily arguing with EDI about protocol and opening it) and returned to the _Normandy's_ security station.

* * *

"Did you find anything?"

Her head shook and the tension in Shepard's shoulders became more apparent. An agitated hand ran through his shaggy hair; he needed to cut it before it broke regs, but then again, she wore her hair down more than she should, and whatever they had was against regs. Ashley wasn't even sure why she bothered to care about the Alliance's rules anymore. It wasn't like she'd ever been very good at following them.

 _I used to be,_ she reminded herself. _Once._

"What do you want me to do?" she asked. "I'm not a miracle worker, Commander, and I'm not exactly the kind of person to go prying each crew member for their mental health."

She watched as his hand clenched the dark mess of hair on his head, watched as he grew more and more irritated with their present situation. Eventually he just nodded, and then sat on one of the couches. He looked as exhausted as she felt, though Ashley felt she was better at concealing it than he was.

"I know," he answered. A sigh, soft and tired. When was the last time he slept well? "I know. I just hate everything going on right now. It's getting to me. The stress?"

Ashley nodded and sat beside him. "How are you feeling?"

"Like shit," Shepard admitted. "My leg is killing me and Chakwas' painkillers aren't helping. I can't even describe how much I hated leaving that colony behind for the Reapers. Alliance Command down there demanded we assist the evacuation effort, but..."

As his head shook, her eyebrows shot up. He was given the option to save people...and he ignored it?

She didn't ask him to finish. She reached for his hand and wove her fingers through his, bit back a smile of her own as the corner of his mouth crooked in that damnable smirk she loved so much, and rested her head on his shoulder. He'd caught his breath, and the one he released afterwards was shuddering and deep.

"The Citadel will have psychologists," Ashley said quietly. "They can examine the crew for any signs of indoctrination."

Shepard sucked in a breath as he sat them back. "Do they need to examine you too?"

"They've been quiet lately," she admitted, staring at their hands. His skin was paler than hers; it was the first time she'd noticed. She didn't even know why she noticed it to begin with. The back of his hand was scarred from their encounter with a thresher maw some months back, the one they'd helped Grunt bring down for his rite of passage.

"That's good," Shepard said. There was some relief buried in the tone of his voice, almost entirely concealed by his exhaustion. "I'm not doing this without you, y'know."

She stifled a laugh. "Is that an order?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it is. You keep your head on straight, Williams, 'cause I'm not doing this solo." For several long seconds, he was quiet, and Ashley made a point of striving to hear any subtle whispering. And exactly as she promised, there was nothing. Her eyes closed as she took in a relieved breath. "So...uh... About your sister—"

"I don't want to talk about Lynn."

"But—"

"But we don't always need to talk about my problems," Ashley said. "It's always you asking if I'm okay. And honestly, no, I'm not, but I don't want to think about it right now. My family is on the Citadel waiting for us to dock. I'll think about her plenty when we get there." Shepard's answer was just a sigh, and she elbowed him. "Hear anything from your mom?"

He shook his head again. "No, but I haven't really been checking. Hackett's looking for her. That's good enough for me."

"You think he'll find her?"

"Ships don't just go missing," he said. "And when they do, they either reappear pretty fast, or they're found in pieces." He was silent for a moment, but then added, "Besides, it's the _Orizaba._ Kilimanjaro-class dreadnought. The Alliance isn't going to purposely lose one of our few ass kickers."

"Personally, I'd rather have another Normandy-class frigate than a dreadnought."

He chuckled. "Well, the Alliance has one. The _Geneva._ She's still flying if I remember correctly."

"Oh, I meant this SR-2 crap Cerberus gave you. The SR-1 is junk compared to this thing."

"I don't think the Alliance even wanted to attempt to recreate—"

"Commander, the _Normandy_ has rendezvoused with the Seventh Fleet," EDI interrupted. "Admiral Thompson is requesting docking clearance for you to cross to his ship."

 _Seventh Fleet?_ Ashley frowned as Shepard jumped to his feet, running a hand along a stubble-covered jaw, and then a hand through his messy hair. "Granted. Tell him to give us fifteen minutes and we'll be there." Once EDI had acknowledged his order, Shepard fixed his gaze on Ashley and her brows shot up in a silent question. "We were ordered to give them a rundown of the situation with Elysium. The Seventh Fleet responds to—"

She waved a hand and stood. "I know, I know."

Shepard snapped his mouth shut and nodded. "Ah, well, you might want to put on your officer uniform...or something. I dunno. We're headed over to the Fleet's flagship and we don't want to look like a mess."

Ashley gestured to him. "You might want to do something about...that, then, sir."

He grinned. "You think there's a reason I told EDI to give us fifteen minutes?" Ashley shrugged, pretending to be oblivious, and he jerked his head to the door. "Meet me at the airlock when you're ready. And bring a sidearm, you're taking the place of the usual detachment of marines I'd bring."

Ashley nodded again and headed for the elevator without another word. Why the hell she had to go when her job should be watching the _Normandy_ escaped her, but she didn't argue. Joker knew the ship better than anyone, and he had EDI. The crew would be fine while Shepard met with the head of the Seventh Fleet.

"Ash!"

Her head swivelled around as the elevator doors opened. Shepard was stepping from his cabin, and somehow, he had managed to make himself look like a bigger mess than he was only a few seconds before. Shirtless, hair sticking out at odd angles. It was hard not to stare at the scars tracing his torso, but thankfully enough, he seemed a little oblivious to his own appearance. He didn't even notice she was staring.

"Here," he said, holding out a clenched fist. She saw a chain dangling out from between his fingers as he opened it up, revealing the scorched dog tags and Hag Stone from her sister. "You left those in the shuttle bay before we hit the Academy. I thought—"

Ashley didn't wait for him to finish. She took the necklace off of him, undid the clasp, and pulled the tiny rock free. The dog tags and chain went back into her pocket, but the stone went into his outstretched hand.

"It's supposed to help with nightmares," she explained. "I'll tell you about it later."

Shepard frowned, but she didn't stick around to embarrass herself further. As soon as his mouth opened, Ashley had already hit the key to take her down to the crew deck. Her arms were clasped behind her back now and she was bouncing on the balls of her feet, eyes flitting around over the elevator. She'd just given Shepard... Ashley groaned and ran a hand down her face.

 _Note to self: stop being weird._


	77. Chapter 77

**A/N** **: Yo! If you wanna read a story where Shepard's the big badass instead of the good guy, there's a damn good one on my favorites list you would enjoy! It's called _Deference for Darkness,_ by Stormaktstiden. If you like badassery and good emotional scenes, you'd love it! Go leave him a review. I'm sure he'd love it. :)**

 **As always, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

Later never came. Not after Shepard had finished running through the Reapers' blitz on Elysium, not when they reached the Citadel. Shepard had retreated to his cabin once the _Normandy_ was cleared to disconnect and continue on its merry way, and Ashley was left roaming the CIC with a disinterested stare. Most of her time was spent talking to Traynor, who had apparently enlisted with the Alliance's promise of a full scholarship to college. Back when she'd just been a grunt shooting a gun, Ashley had loathed commissioned officers who took the easy way out. Any marine did. Now she just decided Traynor had been smarter about her military career, and the _Normandy_ had come out with a good officer to boot.

Now, however, the ship was finishing up docking protocols with Citadel Control, and Ashley was wondering what the heck she was supposed to do with herself. Most of the omni-tools across the deck had chimed to inform crew members that they had forty-eight hours of shore leave, on top of the required twelve hours an Alliance therapist would need to clear every man and woman on board of indoctrination. Even Jack and her students had to be cleared before the Alliance took them, Kahlee Sanders included.

 _Forty-eight hours,_ she thought, running a hand down her face. _What the hell am I supposed to do with forty-eight hours? What possibly could even take two days to repair?_

Ashley shook her head and shoved her hands into her pockets as she leaned against the railing. The ship's crew was slowly filtering past, headed to various levels of the Citadel in groups of three or more. Trakes and Vega went past at one point with Cortez and Garrus, arguing about the merits of different types of guns and the like. It reminded her of Kaidan, how Shepard would take the two of them out for drinks every chance they got. She felt like if their past selves saw them now, they wouldn't recognize them. She _knew_ she wouldn't recognize herself. Ashley wasn't the same person anymore, regardless of how much she might try to be.

Once the boredom of watching people meander about the docking bay finally sank in, she opened her omni-tool and shot a quick message to Sarah. _Docking bay D24, Zakera Ward._ However long it would take for her sister to show up, Ashley would probably be in the same place.

She turned to watch the skycars and ships fly past; at least it would be more entertaining than watching the people behind her. Almost as soon as she did, something brushed against her leg. She jumped and glared, fully intending to find a child of some sort running past while its mother shrieked after it. Instead, a keeper tittered past, heading along its pre-designated task. The crowd almost looked like it parted for the insectoid, completely oblivious to the thing's existence.

Ashley was frowning after it, straightening with the intention to follow the bug through its routine, but a hand caught her shoulder. She nearly shot out of her skin and it took a concerted effort to refrain from hitting the offending hand off her arm.

Luckily for both of them, the hand was retracted almost as soon as Ashley jumped. Black gloves with white accents, skin tight.

"Miranda."

The ex-Cerberus officer gave a thin, tight-lipped smile in answer. "I had a hunch it was you."

Ashley's brows furrowed as her brain jumped through hoops. "What are you doing here?"

Miranda nodded at the _Normandy,_ docked as she was, now sitting proudly in Alliance colors. "I need to speak with Shepard."

 _Of course she does,_ Ashley thought. Her omni-tool chimed, but she dismissed it and turned back to her original place on the railing. It was most likely Sarah chattering on about something, how excited she was to see her and how hard it had been to get passage to the Citadel from wherever they had been.

"Shepard's still on the ship."

"Is he all right?"

Ashley frowned again, but she noted the concern in the other woman's voice, and forced herself to believe it. She doubted she would ever be able to fully trust Miranda, despite how many times she'd earned the right.

"That's debatable," Ashley said. "We were in orbit over Elysium when the Reapers attacked. The Seventh Fleet..." She trailed off and shook her head. "It didn't have time to respond. Shepard says he's fine, but... I don't know. We reported to the head of the Fleet and he's been up in his cabin since."

"What were you doing out by Elysium?"

Ashley drummed her fingers against the railing as she pushed herself upright, sighing. "Uh... Grissom Academy. It was attacked by Cerberus and Shepard wanted to evacuate the students before the Illusive Man got them." Her eyes flicked to Miranda, standing parallel to her in a similar stance, but leaning over the railing. "We picked up Jack. She's still on the ship if you want to..."

There was a hint of levity to her voice when she spoke. "No, that's fine."

"So what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be hiding?"

"I need to speak to a few people."

When she didn't elaborate further, Ashley risked asking, "About what?"

Miranda shook her head. "Don't worry about it. My problems aren't yours."

"Oh, well, if it's something with Cerberus, you'd have no one better to ask."

Another pause, longer than the last. "I don't know if it involves Cerberus."

Ashley arched a brow quizzically. "Really? That's surprising. You were about as ass-deep in Cerberus as I was." Then she shrugged. "Maybe more so."

"If I need help with Cerberus, I know who to call. What about you? It looks to me like you got what you wanted." Miranda nodded at the officer's uniform she was still wearing, the one nearly identical to the outfit Shepard had been wearing as they escaped Earth. The holster on her hip was empty. "Cerberus left you go?"

"For the most part. Leng is still trying to bring me in. Or kill me." Ashley shrugged again. "If the information I gave Liara is any good, he'll probably kill me first."

"What do you have?"

Ashley dropped her voice to a whisper and said, "The Illusive Man's name. Jack Harper."

Miranda's response was droned out, fading into the background amongst the cacophony of voices as the realization smacked her in the face. She was being too trusting again. That wasn't something she'd told Shepard, and she trusted that man more than she trusted Miranda. Ashley didn't know if Miranda was really running from the Illusive Man; she didn't know _anything_ about Miranda except that she had a sister.

But then again, she knew that, so it was something.

"I should get somewhere where there aren't so many cameras," Miranda continued.

Ashley jerked her head in the direction of the docking tube. "Only cameras in there are connected to the _Normandy_ while we're docked." Miranda pursed her lips, but nodded. "And I'm sure EDI would allow you on the ship to look for the Commander."

"She's still active?" The question made Ashley laugh, and that only served to make Miranda frown. "I would've thought the Alliance shut her down."

"Oh, they're going to have a harder time of it now."

"I'll take your word for it."

Miranda stuck a hand out. Ashley stared at it for a moment, arguing with herself about the merits of simply being polite, but shook it anyway. She even forced a half-smile, and the one Miranda returned looked more genuine than Ashley's felt. If her half-assed explanation about EDI had confused her, Miranda didn't let it show in favor of her fake, but successful, smile. Ashley would have to get better at those.

"Watch out for Jack," Ashley added.

"I planned to."

"Yeah, well, we still need the _Normandy_ in one piece."

"I'll keep that in mind," Miranda promised, though she seemed a bit exasperated with the weak attempt at a joke.

Ashley just shrugged, and apparently satisfied, Miranda retreated through the doors leading to the ship. She watched as her form disappeared into the restricted section of the docking bay, and then turned back to stare at the _Normandy._ Blue, Alliance blue, stripes shot back across the hull to the engines, and something about it was oddly comforting.

Her omni-tool pinged again, breaking her concentration. Ashley opened it and her messages. Nothing from Sarah, surprisingly. Someone wanted a vid chat though, but where their address would usually be, all it said was "sender blocked."

 _Don't you fucking dare,_ she told herself.

So naturally, she did. Ashley wasn't in the habit of accepting anonymous vid calls; those were the ones that turned out to be the bearers of bad news. The ones where enemies pulled a crappy movie cliché and taunted someone.

But no, it was just Kaidan.

He was smiling. "Hey!"

 _I'm starting to see what Shepard's talking about._

"What's up?"

Kaidan's smile faltered a bit at the straightforward greeting, but quickly reaffirmed itself. "Heard you guys docked on the Citadel." Ashley shrugged, but nodded. "Shepard's not answering, so I assumed he'd be with you, but..." Kaidan trailed off and gave her a questioning look, to which she shrugged again. She knew he'd been lying to her earlier, about being okay with what happened at Elysium. The man needed time to decompress, and Ashley didn't mind giving it to him.

"He's tired," she said flatly. It wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't necessarily the truth either.

Kaidan seemed to buy it, or at least accept it. "Bossing you around can take a lot out of a person," he deadpanned. Ashley huffed and rolled her eyes. He was right, but she didn't need to tell him that. She did have the tendency to be a pain in the ass and anyone who spent five minutes around her would know it. "Anyway, I wanted to let you know Udina made an offer."

Her brows shot up. "You mean...?"

"Yeah," Kaidan said. This time, when his smile wavered, it stayed gone.

Unable to handle the suspense, she demanded, "Well? What did you say?"

He frowned. "I'm still trying to figure out why Shepard didn't tell you."

"We've been a little busy," she said, sighing. "Anyway, spit it out, Kaidan. I've got stuff to do."

"Harsh," he retorted, chuckling. If Ashley thought it actually bothered him, she might've said something, but she was practically bouncing on the balls of her feet, waiting. "I accepted. I'm officially the second human Spectre."

She grinned, briefly noting he wasn't sharing the same level of enthusiasm. "Congratulations. I can't think of anyone who deserves it more." Kaidan shrugged sheepishly as he shuffled around. He was wearing an Alliance uniform and sitting in a chair near a window; Ashley could see skycars zipping past the Presidium behind him. "Are they going to let you out soon?"

"Yeah, seems like it," he said.

Ashley frowned. "I'm sensing a 'but' in there."

Kaidan snorted and shook his head, running a hand through his hair. How the hell he managed to get it to look that good naturally escaped her, but this wasn't the time to be asking such stupid questions. He'd told her once; she just didn't have the energy to try to remember.

"But I don't know if I'm coming back to the _Normandy._ "

Her frown deepened and she turned, leaning her hips against the railing so she could fold her free arm over her chest. "Why wouldn't you?"

"After Horizon, I, ah, said some rather...horrible things," he explained. "To Shepard. About him, about you, about the _Normandy._ I don't think it's my place to go back."

"Yeah, no shit," she replied. "We were with Cerberus. It happens. If I was in your position..."

She trailed off. They both knew there would only be one way she would've been in his position.

"You'd have said worse," Kaidan assumed.

"And I'd go back," Ashley said. "Without a second thought. This is our fight. We were there when Shepard touched the beacon. You were there when he took down Saren. You've already done more—"

Kaidan cut her off with a wave of his hand. "Don't say that."

She arched a brow. "It's the truth. I wasn't there when _Sovereign_ fell and it's my fault."

"Just how the hell is it your fault? You were _dead,_ Ash."

She waved a hand dismissively. "Yeah, I wasn't, but whatever. Point is, you belong on the _Normandy._ It's your fight too and honestly, I would rather have you watching my ass than Vega."

He sighed. "I'll think about it."

"Shepard wants you back, too."

"I know."

Ashley's eyes narrowed. "Then what the hell is your problem?"

Kaidan fixed her with a serious look and pointed half-heartedly. "Tactless, backtalking a superior officer and a Spectre." Ashley snorted a laugh; he had always tried to correct her when she did that. It never really did much, though she supposed the few times she held her tongue were Kaidan's influence. "I don't think I should be on the _Normandy_ when I...after..." He sighed again as his shoulders sagged. "You get the idea."

"Okay, considering the shit I pulled the first time I saw Shepard again, I think a lack of trust on your part can be excused."

Kaidan frowned. "What did you do?"

"I almost shot him," she said. "And I've almost shot him multiple times since then. If he can forgive me for that, I think he can forgive you for what you said."

"I'm not you."

"No, you're you, and that's why he'll be more than glad to have you back on the ship."

A third sigh. "I don't think you understand—"

Ashley cut him off. "No, I got what you meant. It just proves my point. If he can get past that, what makes you think he can't get past what you've done?"

"That's not what I'm worried about," Kaidan said. "I'm worried about someone trying to use that against us. Say I do get myself reassigned to the _Normandy._ What if someone convinces me either of you are still with Cerberus?"

"We're not. We've killed enough of their guys the last couple days that you should be good."

"And I'm supposed to believe the Illusive Man...what? Just let you walk away?"

Ashley glanced up at the sound of a familiar voice, barely heard over the chattering of the crowd. Someone was asking about her. The answer came from Ensign Copeland– _God, he's everywhere_ –and she briefly saw the marine as he pointed in her direction. Then the crowd swallowed him and whomever was asking after her back up. _Probably Sarah._

"It's not that easy," Ashley said, looking back down at her omni-tool.

"That's _my_ point," Kaidan retorted.

She shook her head. "We're not getting into this again. Believe whatever you want about me, but Shepard's in the clear. And at least _think_ about coming back. We could use someone with a straight head." He started to reply, but Ashley continued, "I've got to go. I'll talk to you later."

And with that, she snapped the omni-tool shut.

Feeling a little out of place and awkward, she straightened her uniform and stood up straight, tampering the habitual urge to stand at attention. She was still trying to act less...serious when a familiar face finally broke through the crowd, though it hadn't been who she was expecting. Instead of Sarah, it was Abby, and she was a mess. Torn jeans, a jacket that was several sizes too big for her over a dirty white shirt.

It took her a moment to realize this was her sister, the same one who'd been complaining about being so tired the last time she'd been able to speak with her family. Sarah's brief vid call the other day wasn't exactly what Ashley would say was enough to check on them. She'd had to hang up to make the shuttle to Grissom Academy.

By the time she'd stopped thinking and started looking, Abby had already grabbed her. She was stronger than Ashley had anticipated; her chest ached from her grip. Ashley hesitated before returning the gesture, but she was careful to keep from squeezing as tightly as Abby was. It was easy to forget she could break someone's bone without batting an eyelash and it was even easier to forget this was the first time Abby had actually seen her since she joined the _Normandy's_ crew.

 _I would've remembered before. I would've cared._

Ashley squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed, forcing the thoughts from her mind. She worked hard to keep herself under wraps around everyone; she wasn't about to fuck it up in front of someone who was still struggling to believe she was even alive.

"God." The voice that said it cracked under silent tears. Ashley's gut lurched in a pang of guilt. "I still can't believe you're here."

 _Yeah, neither can I._ "Oh. Well... I am." She shrugged sheepishly as Abby finally let her go. For several painfully long seconds, the lighter-haired woman simply stared, eyes narrowed as she studied Ashley's face. The gaze was intense enough to make Ashley want to shift uncomfortably, but she held her ground and matched the stare. Abby had been the only one Ashley even remotely looked like; same color eyes, same nose, almost identical. The only difference was the hair. Out of the four of them, Abby was the only one to have blonde hair, and she got it from their mother. Ashley, Lynn, and Sarah all had the same brown hair their father had, though Ashley's was the only one to be quite as dark.

"What happened to you?" Ashley went to reply, to fabricate the same lie she'd been dreading for months, when Abby cut her off. "We _buried_ you. Mom got a flag, you got medals from the turians and salarians, your commanding officer showed up to apologize. There was a salute and everything. You were _gone._ "

By the time she'd finished speaking, her voice had broken so many times that it was embarrassing, and the barely-contained sobs from Abby were enough to make Ashley really feel like an ass. Granted, she felt like that most days, but this made it hit home. Cerberus had recovered her body within a week and brought her back, and Ashley hadn't tried to contact them once. Not to tell them she was alive, not to tell them anything. Not until Shepard made her do it.

She bit the inside of her cheek and looked at the floor. "I'm sorry."

"'I'm sorry'? We mourned you for two damn years and all you can say is, 'I'm sorry'? Are you kidding me?" A brief pause, and then she was being hugged again. "I hate you. I hate you so much." All Ashley could do was nod. Words couldn't form and her brain was still reeling. "Lynn cried when we got your first call. She was in tears. And..." A choked sob. Ashley didn't protest when she was squeezed tighter. "She's gone."

"I'm sorry," she repeated.

There weren't words to describe how much she wanted to fix everything that had gone wrong for them. None of those poems seemed to cover the devastation either, and Ashley remembered when that would've scared her senseless.

There was nothing about this war that was fair, and there was no one that would be left unaffected. She just prayed it would stop. It had to stop. The Reapers had to be killed, and if it took her life, Ashley wouldn't hesitate. Nobody should have to face reunions like these.


	78. Chapter 78

She felt out of place again. Maybe that was from the fact that she was laying in a keeper tunnel as the things crept past, doing her best not to get stepped on. Getting here hadn't been easy, and getting out promised to be just as difficult, considering the only two exits would drop her in the middle of two different embassies—the asari's, or the humans'. It would be easier to explain what she was doing if an Alliance official grabbed her, but she doubted the asari would buy it if she said she was just looking for someone. As a matter of fact, she doubted anyone with a brain would buy that excuse.

 _But at least I know where the guards are outside of Udina's office._

One of the keepers brushed against her leg and Ashley bit her tongue, shifting herself closer to the wall she was pressed against. Her knife dug into her hip, but she smacked it away. The ventilation opening was barely big enough for her to see out of, but it passed directly over Udina's desk and the weasel of a man himself, so Ashley wasn't going to do much complaining. Unfortunately, all he had to do was look up and he'd probably see her.

While she waited for the man to return, her mind ran through all the possible ways this mess of a plan could go. She could get arrested, which would probably be the best outcome. The worst would leave her dead because she was spying on a Councilor. Ashley doubted she'd manage to escape if she was spotted, and explaining herself to a cop wasn't high on her list of things to do. Better to keep herself concealed as long as possible.

Her omni-tool flashed silently. She had the graces to think ahead and mute it, but that wasn't going to stop it from flaring when she got a message. If she wasn't right-handed, she would've dropped her arm behind her back to keep the light from leaking into the room below.

After inching back a few steps, Ashley pushed herself to her knees and sat on her heels, opening the omni-tool. Message from Shepard. An hour before his team was due for inspection from the Alliance's psychologist. The very thought of spending more time with therapists made her stomach twist into knots. Therapist after Eden Prime, therapist on the SR-2, therapist after the SR-2 was turned over to the Alliance, therapist now. Her entire career on the _Normandy_ was one big mental health issue.

She dismissed the message and closed her omni-tool, repositioning herself over the grate. There were footsteps now, headed towards the desk below. A moment later, and the Councilor appeared before seating himself in his chair. His assistant was reminding him of meetings for the day and what sounded like the rest of the week, but Udina quickly dismissed the asari. Why he chose to allow an alien assistant access to his things escaped Ashley, but being a Councilor was about interspecies cooperation. She suspected that might have something to do with it, though she doubted the other three Council races used foreign assistants.

After checking that there weren't any incoming keepers, Ashley shifted her position to try for a better view of his computer screen. From what she understood, he wouldn't be leaving his office again until long after the _Normandy_ had cleared customs and was on its way out to the Attican Traverse. She didn't have the time to launch an entire investigation on Udina, let alone the resources to get C-Sec on his case. Whatever he was up to, she would have to figure out on her own, and preferably before he did something crazy.

Ashley could imagine that conversation with Bailey. _What made you suspect him of illicit activities? Oh, y'know, just the fact that I'm probably indoctrinated and he's trying to make me a Spectre?_

She rolled her eyes at herself, and then shook her head. For quite a while, all she did was lie there and watch Udina type on his computer. He took several calls on his omni-tool, but none of them were suspicious. Reports from Alliance officials, rescheduling meetings with various Alliance heads. Things Ashley could understand keeping from his assistant. Ashley might not exactly feel the same way she used to about other species, but something didn't sit right with an asari assistant. She could be spying on Udina for the asari Councilor.

She made a mental note on that. If the asari Councilor suspected Udina of something enough to spy on him, she might have a way to do this...legally. All she'd have to do was take emergency leave from the _Normandy_ and get to work.

 _Not gonna be that simple,_ she thought. _The asari Councilor won't like me implying she's up to something, either._

Her omni-tool flared again and she bit her tongue to keep from swearing. Ashley rolled to the side and stood, taking a few steps back from the vent before opening her omni-tool. Another message from Shepard.

 _Kyler A. Shepard: Kaidan and I are grabbing lunch before the_ Normandy _ships out. You in?_

Ashley huffed and closed the thing. She was still fuming over her conversation with Kaidan from the other day, and talking to the biotic again wasn't something she was in the mood for. Besides, if she knew Shepard as well as she thought, this would be his attempt to feel like nothing had happened between now and the last time the three of them had gone out. Ashley didn't want that. She didn't want to forget everything that had happened. It was too important.

She returned to her spot by the vent and settled in, narrowly avoiding a keeper as it went to crush one of her hands. Explaining _that_ sort of injury to Chakwas wouldn't be easy, and there would be no way to avoid it. Ashley wasn't in the mood to argue with the doctor, let alone try and fabricate a lie with just enough of the truth that she could manage it.

When she lowered herself to the floor again, someone was with Udina. Ashley's brows furrowed as she tried to get a glimpse of the man's face, but he had it hidden under an Alliance hat. Smart.

"...tried to get one of your people in," Udina was saying.

Her frown deepened. _Whose people?_

"We are aware of your _failed_ attempts to make Williams a Spectre," the man answered.

 _Cerberus?_ she wondered. _Who else could it be?_

"The boss is unimpressed," he continued. Ashley opened her omni-tool as quickly as she dared, positioning it and herself accordingly to get the best view of the room. "We'll be taking the rest of the operation into our own hands from here on out."

"But you need me!" Udina insisted.

"The plan will continue as expected," the man said. "We'll just have to...requisition ourselves a Spectre."

Udina's gasp was as horrified as Ashley felt. "You mean Major Alenko? He's still hospitalized. What use could you have of someone with a head injury?"

"You would be surprised what we're capable of."

"It's a hospital full of innocent humans! You can't—"

"The extraction team is already on its way. There's no calling it off."

Panic welled up in her chest. Ashley didn't hesitate to leap to her feet and bolt, sprinting down the corridor towards the closest exit. She heard someone, probably the Cerberus contact, start shouting at the sound of her footsteps, but by the time she heard him get up into the keeper tunnel, she was already sliding around the corner...and straight into a keeper. She tumbled over it and landed with a solid thud, but didn't stop. Another skid and she was in front of the grate leading into the human embassy, and with a single kick, the door flew off its hinges. Several people yelped as she crawled out.

After shoving herself onto her feet, Ashley ran for the nearest overhang. It led back up to the main floor of the human embassy and would put her beside Udina's office. She climbed on top of a public extranet terminal linked to the wall and jumped, kicking herself into the corner before kicking again and getting her fingers around the lip of the floor. Hauling herself over the balcony was easy enough, but then she heard a C-Sec officer shouting.

"Gun!"

One shot, not directed at her. Over the roar of the screams, Ashley barely heard a body hit the ground. Another shot, fired at another C-Sec officer shouting for the civilians to get down. She braced her hands on the railing and flung herself to the other side, hand searching for the knife strapped to her hip as she stood. The third shot from the Alliance-uniformed man pierced the glass and shattered it. The bullet skimmed the side of her leg.

Ashley barely flinched as she pulled the combat knife free of its scabbard. One good overhand flip, and she threw it into the man's throat. Blood erupted from the wound in a fountain. It happened in less than a second, but it was long enough for a C-Sec officer to try and grab her. Turian. She twisted and caught his wrist, buried her knee in his narrow waist, and then shoved him to the ground before taking off again.

 _Hospital,_ she told herself. _Worry about assaulting a cop later._

She clicked on her comm as she ran. "EDI?"

"Yes, Commander?"

 _God, I'll never get used to that._ Behind her, several officers shouted for her to stop. Ashley slid to a stop and turned, dropping to her knees as a human tried to grab her. Her hand shot out and latched onto his ankle, and then yanked his foot from beneath him. She was back on her feet nearly the same instant, missing the chance to watch his buddies trip over the downed officer.

"Alert C-Sec that Huerta Memorial is going to be attacked," she said. "And tell Shepard I'm probably going to get arrested."

"I'm monitoring C-Sec channels now," EDI reported. "Most of them are communicating that there's been a gunfight in the human embassy and that they're chasing—"

"Me," Ashley finished. "Yeah, I know. Ignore it. I didn't do anything illegal. Uh...technically."

 _Attacked two cops, killed a guy in an Alliance uniform, spied on Councilor Udina. Pfft, none of that's illegal._

She leapt down the staircase leading past Commander Bailey's office, dashed across the waiting area, and cleared the railing over a twenty foot drop. She landed in a roll, glanced up. They wouldn't be catching her now, though she did pause to pride herself on jumping that without flinching.

"A patrol is en route," EDI said. "Commander Shepard is there with Major Alenko."

"Tell him I'll be there in ten minutes."

* * *

Ten minutes. It wasn't fast enough. By the time the elevator had stopped on the hospital's level, Ashley could hear the shouting, the occasional pop from a burst of gunfire. As soon as the doors opened, she was greeted by a barrage of bullets. Several caught her in various places all over her body and she dropped, mentally noting how many went straight through, and how many did not. Thankfully, the only round that seemed to stick was one lodged in her collarbone, but she doubted she'd continually be that lucky.

Ashley caught her breath and steadied herself, dropping the rate she sucked them in to almost nothing.

"Drag her out with the rest of them," someone said.

Several seconds later, she felt a hand close around the hood of her jacket. She waited until he started to hoist her over his shoulders, and then kicked, catching him in the side of the knee. He went down and her eyes snapped open. Wearing civvies. It was likely they had nothing on them that would trace back to Cerberus, save the fact that they were human.

Not like it mattered. Ashley had all the proof she needed to show Udina was working for the Illusive Man.

Before he could recover, her hand shot forward and grabbed him by the shirtfront. Ashley held him upright while his friends tried to shoot her, but all they succeeded in doing was finishing him off. She caught his gun, a standard pistol that anyone could buy, and fired two shots at the nearest Cerberus operative. Then she dove, ducking behind the front desk to give the staff huddled in the corner as much space as possible. They had a couple patients with them, but plenty of the people that had been in here were already dead.

"Fall back! Box the bastards in and kill that bitch!"

"Yes, sir!"

She heard the familiar sound of a door opening and closing, quickly followed by feet advancing on her position. They'd split up. She ran through the last couple of seconds again and realized that there were only a few men in the lobby.

 _Strike team,_ she remembered. _They're trained_ for _missions like this._

Ashley swore under her breath, and then risked throwing herself over the edge of the counter. A spray of bullets ricocheted off the wall overhead as she pressed her back into the desk, letting out a panicked breath.

 _Then again, I was trained for shit like this too._

She checked her gun. The plastic of the thermal clip didn't even look damaged in the slightest, so it was new, and she thanked God for her luck. That would make this monumentally easier.

Her hand traced over the bump from the shot she'd taken to the chest as she listened. The lobby itself was quiet, but she heard glass shatter from the patient wings. People were shouting and the occasional gun went off, but otherwise, she had no idea what it was like back there. Whatever the case, it was where she needed to be. That was where Kaidan would be, and Shepard as well.

"Come out with your hands on your head."

Ashley snorted and tensed her muscles. Whomever was talking, their voice was getting closer.

"We won't harm you if you drop your weapon."

"Even though you were ordered to kill me," she muttered sarcastically.

She squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself to ignore anything that wasn't the sound of feet falling. Two on her left, two on her right, one directly behind her. There were several ways she could approach this, but none of them were exactly appealing. All of them would lead to her being shot. Again. And despite how quickly her skin would heal to seal the wounds off, it wasn't something Ashley enjoyed.

So instead of doing what they wanted, she waited. The man in the middle would reach her first, and if she was lucky, he'd be one of the ones with an assault rifle instead of a handgun. Even if he wasn't, she could still manage, as she'd be able to grab one off the fallen operatives anyway, but the easier, the better.

The instant his head poked over the desk, Ashley shot him. He collapsed in a heap and she rolled to the right, leaping to her feet. It took less than a second, and by the time his friends had realized what happened, she'd shot two more of them. She jumped the counter before they hit the ground and went to snatch the closest assault rifle when the remaining two were slapped with a warp. Ashley froze as they trembled and shook, and then joined the rest of their team on the floor, dead.

Her head snapped around to the civilians, only to see Thane standing between her and them.

She threw him her borrowed pistol in favor of the Avenger on the ground. "You'd think they'd invest in, I don't know, shield generators." Thane gave a faint smile as she robbed a body of its thermal clips. "C-Sec is on their way. Stay here."

The drell nodded, though he managed to look at least _somewhat_ skeptical. "You don't want help?"

Ashley scoffed as she got to her feet. "Not from you, no. You'll be better off out here and they'll be safer for it."

Thane didn't comment this time, favoring his usual nod as she pocketed her ammo. Ashley was at the door the next second, reloading the spent assault rifle before hitting the fizzling lock. When the door opened, she counted to three before spinning into the hallway, checking behind the wall, and then in the opposite room. Clear.

She started her approach cautiously, but that was shot out the ass when she heard Shepard shouting after Kaidan. His cry was abruptly cut off by a burst of gunfire, and she bolted, sprinting the rest of the way into the patient wing. She nearly tripped over the body of a Cerberus operative, but jumped at the last second and followed the sound of shuttle engines. It was coming from a side room, one of the labs, and as soon as Ashley was through the door, a shot hit her in the gut. The force was powerful enough to knock her off her feet and to the floor.

Pain rippled through her abdomen as she fought to lift her head. Her vision swam, but there it was, a C-Sec shuttle pulling away from the side of the building. The hatch was still open and she could see a woman in a mask sitting back to reload her sniper rifle, but anything else was too blurry to make out.

A hand patted her shoulder, and while every muscle in her body screamed to fight back, nothing obeyed her orders. Her omni-tool flashed as it activated, and on the edge of her vision, she saw a familiar face using his own omni-tool to wipe whatever she had on them.

 _Leng._

"Thanks for the ride."

Then he marched past and leapt into the shuttle.

Her shoulders slumped and she allowed her head to fall to the floor. Everything was becoming increasingly hazy, but as she watched the shuttle pull away, she could feel her heart stop beating. Cerberus had him. They had Kaidan. She'd known they were coming, and even then, she still wasn't strong enough to stop them.

When the shuttle was gone, she tried to look for Shepard. And she saw him, only a few feet away, lying in a pool of his own blood. Ashley reached for him, fighting to keep her eyes open just a little longer, and put every ounce of her remaining energy into squeezing his fingers.

He didn't respond, and she felt her heart stop.

They weren't enough to protect Kaidan. She wasn't enough to protect Shepard. She hadn't been enough to protect her sisters either, and lost Lynn because of it.

She could feel herself slipping, but she didn't fight it this time.


	79. Chapter 79

**A/N** **: Look, an update! And on N7 day! Barely... Anyway, woo for Andromeda news! I'm so excited for this game, you have no idea. Hope you like the chapter and happy N7 day, fellow Mass Effecters!**

* * *

The story the news kept broadcasting made no sense to him. Huerta was hit in a terrorist attack, and it was repelled by himself and Kaidan Alenko, humanity's second Spectre. He couldn't remember much of the actual attack, but Chakwas assured him it would come back with time, and was only a side effect of how much trauma he went through. Shepard couldn't help but feel if he could remember it, this wouldn't be such a big problem.

His eyes never left the vid screen across the waiting room. An Alliance reporter was repeating the same thing he'd already heard a million times. "Council officials are currently investigating a terrorist attack on Huerta Memorial hospital. Recently appointed Spectre Kaidan Alenko is leading the team and Councilor Donnel Udina assures us humanity's second Spectre is up to the task." There would be a brief pause, and then a rundown of the damages, the estimation of the dead and injured. "Lieutenant-Commander Kyler Shepard was wounded in this raid, but hospital officials say the Commander is back on his feet and doing his best to aid his friend in the investigation." Then he'd go on to say a suspect had been apprehended, and his insides would twist into anxious knots.

"Commander." His head snapped up and he stood as quickly as his aching body would allow. Between the medigel and the rapid response of the doctors, his injuries were healing nicely inside of only a couple hours, but he wouldn't be ready for combat for several more.

A turian C-Sec agent was standing in a doorway leading back to the interrogation rooms of their Zakera Ward headquarters. The last time Shepard was here, he'd been trying to find Thane's son, Kolyat, and now Thane was here to deliver his recount of the events. Shepard had given his quite some time ago, only to be asked to wait for further instruction. It didn't take a genius to figure out what was meant by that.

"We're ready for you," the turian said. "If you'll follow me."

He ran his sweaty palms down the front of his pants and trailed after the officer. The turian took him past two sets of equally spaced rooms, all empty. If it wasn't for the armed guard at the next door, Shepard wouldn't have had any clue where they were going.

The guard opened the door for him, and he was greeted by Commander Bailey. The blonde officer was holding a datapad, locked, and was armed as well. That didn't bode well for Ashley, and Shepard briefly wondered why they had him here.

"This way," Bailey said. Shepard simply nodded and fell in behind him, following the cop down another short hallway. When they came to a stop, Shepard resisted the urge to peer through the one-way glass and focused his attention on Bailey, who was speaking again. "She's not talking to us."

He bit his tongue to keep from sighing. _Not a good sign._

"I figured since you're her commanding officer, you would have the best chance to get her to talk," Bailey continued. "We're not going to charge her with anything, _yet,_ but we still need her side of the story."

Shepard resisted the urge to frown and nodded again. "I'll see what I can do."

Bailey swiped the screen of his datapad before passing it to the Commander. "I have a list of questions for—"

He waved a hand. "That's unnecessary. I'll get you your answers."

The man frowned, but shrugged and nodded, reaching for the door's access pad. He punched in a code that changed the lock's color from red to green, and then motioned for Shepard to step inside. He did so gratefully, letting enough tension to fuel two different people roll off his shoulders. The door slid shut behind him and locked itself, and he turned.

Standard interrogation room, though unlike the one he and Thane had used to interrogate that pro-human bastard, it reminded him of the ones he'd seen back on Earth. A table, two chairs. Ashley was seated at one of them, hands folded together firmly on the tabletop. No handcuffs. So Bailey was serious when he said they just wanted answers. That surprised him; from what little EDI had told him and what the news had shared, Ashley was responsible for attacking several cops.

"Hey."

She didn't move, just kept staring at her hands. He studied her as he sat, noting that her shoulders weren't even rising to show each breath she took. He couldn't see her eyes either, and that was enough to tell him Bailey was smart to put him in the room. The only person, other than himself, that he'd seen her hesitate to kill was Jacob, and that was from Jacob being as kind as he was allowed for the short time she was with the Lazarus Project.

"What happened today?"

No answer. Not even an acknowledgement that he was there. Just more silent staring. Her shoulders gave a small twitch, just enough to show that she was, in fact, breathing.

Shepard leaned forward, pressing his aching ribs against the table. Pain shot through his torso, but he ignored it as best as he could. "Ash, please. This is important." She still didn't answer, so he switched tactics. Being nice wasn't going to work. "The Reapers aren't going to sit around and wait for us to figure this out. Neither am I. We need to know what happened and if you don't spit it out, you're going to get very familiar with C-Sec's cells."

That got something. A small, quiet laugh filled with bitterness. "Udina didn't tell you?"

"Udina's story is all over the news," Shepard said, "but it's too ridiculous to believe. That's why you're here. Because maybe you know something they don't."

"I know a lot of things that they don't," Ashley said, sighing deeply. She lifted her head and fixed him with the same heavy stare he'd grown accustomed to. "But it's my word against Councilor Udina's." The stress she put on his title was enough to tell Shepard where she was going. "I'm a marine, Shepard, with a bad track record who should be dead. He's humanity's Councilor. Nobody is going to believe me."

His response was immediate, entirely serious. "I will if you'll tell me."

"Will C-Sec?" she retorted, spitting the words out with enough disdain to surprise him. "Will the Council? No. So what's the point?"

"The point is it might keep you from getting arrested," Shepard said. "It might keep you on the _Normandy._ It might keep you in the fight instead of some prison cell."

"You could do that with a couple words and by flaunting your Spectre status."

Shepard frowned, allowing himself to show the increasing levels of irritation threatening to consume him. "If you're responsible for what happened, Ashley, I'm not going to do that."

"I'm not."

"I can't just believe that without proof." _But I want to. It might give us away, might get you taken away from me._

Ashley's stare was tense and he matched it fearlessly. She didn't scare him anymore. He knew this version of her too well, was too familiar with the way she thought. If she had planned on hurting him, she would've done it by now. Her hesitation had given her away with Jacob, had given her away back on Virmire, on Eden Prime, and it did now.

"Udina's working with Cerberus," Ashley said abruptly.

Shepard blinked, frowned, and almost did a double take. Would have too, had he not been so sore. "What?"

"Councilor Udina is working with Cerberus."

His frown deepened. "Do you have any proof of that?"

She shook her head. "Leng deleted it. He was there, at the hospital. After I was shot, he walked right up and deleted everything from my omni-tool."

"Ash...that's not—"

"I know it's convenient for me," she interrupted. "Let me finish and it'll make sense." Shepard's mouth snapped shut and he nodded, folding his hands together on the table even as she retracted hers to her lap. Distancing them. Something about it hurt. "I told you I was watching Udina when we stopped here." It wasn't a question, but he nodded anyway. "I was watching him again. When you messaged me both times."

"That's a serious crime."

"I know," she repeated. "I don't care. I had to figure out what he was doing. Nobody sane would try and make me a Spectre, not after finding out what I've done. So I—"

She was cut off by the intercom crackling to life. Bailey's voice came over them and Shepard looked up towards the speaker. "Can you elaborate?"

"I'm not sharing that. It's too personal."

Shepard shifted his eyes back to hers and smiled sadly. "This is the thing that'll prove you're innocent."

"Or the thing that'll condemn me!" she retorted furiously.

He sighed and ran both of his hands down his face, resting his elbows on the table. "Fine. Get on with the rest of it, then. There's a million other things we could be doing, and all of them are more important than figuring out what happened at the hospital today."

Ashley seemed relieved, or as relieved as she'd allow herself to appear. It wasn't much and Shepard took it at face value. She was trained to get herself out of interrogations. For all he knew, she could be lying.

 _Ash doesn't lie,_ he reminded himself.

"I was watching Udina," she said. He nodded; she had said as much. "There's a keeper tunnel that runs along his office and I was camped out over one of the ventilation ducts, and while I was there, this guy came in in an Alliance uniform. Had his face covered with one of those baseball caps like Joker's. They were talking about how Udina couldn't convince me to join the Spectres, how 'the boss' wasn't impressed or something. I think his exact words were 'we're aware of your failed attempts to get Williams to join the Spectres.' The boss wasn't happy that one of their people didn't join, so their solution was to..." She swallowed and looked down at her hands, letting out a shaky breath. "There's no way I can explain this without saying anything about what happened with me and Cerberus, is there?"

Shepard shook his head. "Not unless you tell me the guy you caught Udina with wasn't with Cerberus."

"He was," Ashley said. "There's no way he wasn't."

"Then you're going to have to explain why Cerberus would want you as a Council Spectre."

She sighed. "This feels ridiculous. You already know why."

"C-Sec doesn't, though," Shepard said. "And they need to, or you're going to be stuck in one of their cells for the duration of this war. Is that what you want?" She swallowed, but shook her head. "You're going to have to say it, Ash."

"I can't."

He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. Shepard wanted to get this over with like nothing else, but he knew it wasn't going to be easy, and he was silently cursing himself for not realizing it sooner. It was going to require a more personal touch if they were going to get anywhere, though he wondered how personal was too personal. Bailey could report them, and while Shepard doubted the Alliance would care about fraternization given the current situation, he didn't doubt that something would eventually be done about them.

"Hey."

Ashley forced her eyes to meet his. For a half a second, he thought he saw something there that bordered on vulnerability, but it disappeared almost as soon as he saw it. Instead of worrying about it now, he pushed it away for later and set one of his hands, palm up, on the table. It took her a minute to realize what he was doing, but she eventually did put her hand in his. Shepard closed his fingers around her the moment he was able to, noting how warm they were compared to the frigid temperature of the room.

"I'm right here," he promised. "And you're perfectly safe. Nothing is going to happen while we sit here, all right?"

Her answering nod took too long to come for him to like, but it meant progress.

* * *

Udina wasn't being charged with anything. Neither was Ashley, which was good, but Udina wasn't, and it pissed Shepard off to no end. It was _his_ fault Kaidan was gone. Udina's. Granted, Shepard didn't want Ashley to have accepted becoming a Spectre if it meant Cerberus was going to start using her again, but Kaidan? When would Cerberus and the Illusive Man stop? When was it enough?

 _Never,_ he thought bitterly.

Shepard drove his fist into Vega's punching bag with enough force to slam it back off the wall, and the marine's answering whistle was enough to tell him he was getting out of hand.

"Easy there, Loco," James said, dropping his mod kit to join the Commander. "Don't wanna break it, eh? We just left the Citadel and Esteban isn't going to order me a new one."

Shepard didn't turn in his direction whatsoever, simply flicked his gaze as far to the left as he could manage, and arched a brow. Then he returned to his exercises, quick thrusts and jabs to what would be the ribs on a human being. His biotics flared occasionally, but being a vanguard, most of his energy transferred to his legs on instinct, and all he did was bounce a little. The rare punch swung the punching bag over the bar once or twice, but it didn't break.

 _Start kicking and it might,_ Shepard thought smugly.

"So what's this about?" James ventured, leaning a shoulder to rest on the wall.

Shepard pivoted and rammed his elbow into what should've been a throat. Udina's throat. This was the last time he fucked them over. A million times when they were chasing Saren, a million times now. Shepard was done with it. He was done being the Councilor's lapdog.

"It's not everyday biotics come down to go through hand-to-hand techniques," Vega continued. "Something's got to have you pissed off. Break that legendary patience."

The Commander glanced at James again, but still refused to comment. Another quick set of jabs. His knuckles screamed in protest, as did the rest of his body. He knew he'd be paying for this later, but it was better to take his frustrations out on a punching bag than someone important. He just wished medigel would numb the rest of his body, rather than just the visible wounds.

When his usual routine stopped doing the trick, Shepard changed tactics. It was, unfortunately, one of those times his biotics got the better of him, and when his knee connected with the bag, the hook snapped and it sailed across the cargo hold in a flash. It sailed over the heads of two crew members and slammed into the doors loud enough to make anyone nearby jump.

Again, James whistled. "I _did_ ask you not to break that."

Wordlessly, Shepard stalked over to the punching bag and hefted it over his shoulder. Every part of his injured body protested, and yet he continued to ignore the warnings. As he rejoined James, he lifted the bag up onto one of the spare hooks and a wave of vertigo washed over him. He doubled over, bracing his hands on his knees, as the world spun around him. He was vaguely aware of James and Cortez both calling out to him, concerned, but they were also ignored.

"I'm getting the impression he doesn't want to talk," James said.

"What gave you that idea?" Cortez remarked sarcastically.

Once the shuttle bay stopped spinning, Shepard straightened. Sweat was pouring down his face and he smelled like rancid gym socks, but he still wanted to keep going. It was taking his mind off Udina's snivelling ass and Kaidan's capture by Cerberus, and if there was _anything_ Shepard needed right now, it was that distraction. It wasn't the best time to be exhausting himself, but EDI was occupying the _Normandy_ with scanning star systems, so he'd have some time to rest before they caught up with Aralakh company. Not much, but enough.

His body might not be able to handle so much stress, though. Not that he cared, but it was possible. He was exhausting an already damaged person just to take his mind off everything happening around him. The galaxy was crumbling and what got to him? Losing Kaidan. Losing his best friend. People were lost every single day and he got upset over Kaidan.

 _Pathetic,_ he grumbled to himself, running a hand across his sweat-slicked forehead.

"You okay, Commander?"

He shifted his gaze between the two men, and then nodded. "Fine. Just needed some... recreational exercise. That didn't involve bullets."

James snorted. "Yeah, heard it got bad earlier. Chakwas said you took a shot to the chest, missed your heart by less than an inch. You should be dead."

"Twice over," Cortez added.

Shepard just shrugged and ran a hand from the back of his head to the top, smoothing the tangled mess out. He glanced up at the bangs dangling over his eyes, sighing, and stepped away from the punching bag. He'd successfully worn himself out and he had appearances to keep up. Time for a haircut and a good shave, rather than become the kind of mess that would get him discharged. He worked hard to stay in the Alliance. He wasn't about to fuck that up with longer-than-permitted hair and a shaggy beard.


	80. Chapter 80

Gray.

Shepard eyed himself in the mirror, taking in every little detail of his face. He was checking to make sure he hadn't missed anything while shaving, didn't leave a patch of hair out of place, but he kept being sidetracked to his eyes. Bluish-gray, pale and unremarkable, like the rest of his features. He was a rather plain-looking man, wasn't he? Without the angry, red, cybernetic scars left over from the Lazarus Project, Shepard felt like he was less than he used to be. It gave him character on an otherwise boring face.

He huffed and stood back, cracking his neck before returning to the rest of his cabin. It felt...odd. Empty. Everything was feeling empty, himself included, and Shepard didn't like it. The constant fighting was starting to feel pointless, endless. Not a good sign.

Stifling a yawn, he made his way to the closet that doubled as an armor locker and pulled it open. Alliance uniform after Alliance uniform, barely broken up by the red stripe of his N7 hoodie. He stared at it for a brief moment. Something loose would be good for his ribs, right? It would be easy to get on over his white shirt, too. Chakwas had said something about taking it easy, and after his workout in the shuttle bay, choosing simple clothes seemed dull in comparison.

He snatched it off the hanger without a second thought. As Shepard shoved his arm through the sleeve, pain lanced through his torso, and he bit his tongue. Several seconds passed while he waited for the pain to subside. Throb after throb. He wondered if he'd ever have a day in his life where he wasn't sore or aching.

 _Probably not,_ he decided. When he put the other sleeve on, he was more careful. It didn't stop his side from protesting, or his shoulder, but it was far more bearable than the angry shove had gotten him. Zipping it up felt like nothing compared to the rest of the pain. Pulling on a clean pair of cargo pants felt like he was floating. Still hurt his back, but nothing else.

The boots, however, did their level best to be the hardest. He had to bend over and extend his shoulders to tuck his pants into them, tie them, even put them on. By the time he finished putting the damn boots on, he'd probably wasted fifteen minutes.

Satisfied with himself and his appearance, Shepard got off his bed and trooped into the elevator. On the wall, there was a datapad linked into the _Normandy's_ systems, projecting each deck and, at EDI's convenience, the location of his crew members. Unless he was in the mood to count Wrex, which he wasn't, no one was on deck one. It was almost tempting enough for him to hit the button and start the ship on her approach to Uttuku, where they would assist Aralakh company in searching for Wrex's missing team.

But then he saw what was at the crew deck, and he smacked the key to take him down.

Javik hardly left his room in engineering to begin with, just like Ashley left the observation deck unless she was needed, and with them both in the vicinity of each other, he was sure something was bound to happen. The Prothean had largely kept his concerns to himself and Shepard was grateful for it, but after glimpsing so much of Javik's final minutes on Eden Prime, he doubted it would be left alone forever.

When he had first been brought aboard the ship, Shepard had ordered Ashley to refrain from getting involved in the party tasked to guard him. He, along with Liara, had spent a lengthy time interrogating Javik on his background and what his cycle with the Reapers was like, and it had culminated to the point where the Prothean had gotten irritated with their "inane questions." Once Liara had cleared out out of her own personal frustration, Shepard elected to stick around and chat with Javik.

It hadn't taken much to realize all Javik cared about was the potential safety hazard running around on the ship. Shepard hadn't justified his decision to keep Ashley on the _Normandy_ that day, but he assumed he would have to eventually. Today might, unfortunately, be that day.

With everything that had gone on leading up to now, he suspected Javik wasn't there to be nice. Then again, Javik hadn't been very polite any of the times they had talked. The fact that Javik had agreed to ride this out aboard Shepard's ship was surprising enough; he clearly disliked, if not outright hated, everyone else on the ship, though Shepard was absolutely sure there wasn't anyone he hated more than Ashley.

Hopefully they weren't anywhere near each other.

As the elevator carried him down from his cabin to the crew deck, Shepard found himself rubbing his forearm more often than not. Just beneath the sleeve of his jacket he could feel the half-roll of gauze covering a burn he'd taken from an incendiary round. How he managed to escape with so little damage to the muscles and tendons in his arm could only be classified as a miracle, and Shepard counted himself as lucky. Most people would've needed an amputation after taking such a devastating shot to the arm. All he needed was gauze to cover the burns as they healed.

He wondered what sort of condition Kaidan was in. He wondered if Kaidan was even alive at this point, or if he'd seen a chance to kill himself and taken it before Cerberus could attempt to destroy him too.

Then he wondered why the Illusive Man just didn't take him. He wondered why it had to be Ashley, why it was now Kaidan, why the Illusive Man wouldn't take out the man fighting to stop him. It wasn't like he saw Ashley running off to deal with Cerberus solo and it wasn't like Kaidan would be dumb enough to do it, either. Shepard, however, was. Shepard was the logical target and he wouldn't be surprised to know the Illusive Man thought the same.

But all that did was beg the question—why them? Why not him?

 _Because the Illusive Man thrives on mind games,_ Shepard thought. _Because he gets off on seeing people collapse from the inside out. Because he's not entirely sane._

Simple. One way or another, this war wasn't going to end until Cerberus was gone, and understanding that the Illusive Man was a ruthless sociopath would make killing him all the easier. Shepard had never gotten terribly broken up over the people he killed before, but knowing what Cerberus was _intended_ to be had given him pause.

Cerberus was supposed to protect humanity, to do what the Alliance couldn't. A noble goal. Shepard could've forgiven a lot if Ashley hadn't shown up so...different.

 _The ends never justify the means._

The sentence stuck in his head as the elevator slid to a stop. The door slid open to reveal the memorial wall and a patrolling marine, who snapped off a quick salute as he stepped onto the deck. Shepard nodded in greeting and turned for the mess hall, taking longer than usual strides to get there faster.

Javik was standing with Garrus back by the food preparation area, back to Shepard. Ashley was seated at the partitioned-off table with Trakes and Vega, the former of whom waved him over. With a wary glance shot at the Prothean's back, Shepard joined the three marines. Garrus' nod hello was barely caught past the wall, and Shepard made a mental note to check out the gun battery later. He hadn't talked to Garrus in a while.

"Hey boss," Trakes said as Shepard slid into a seat beside James. "How you holding up?"

Shepard just shrugged, saying, "I've had better days, that's for sure."

"Heard you were giving him the silent treatment," Trakes continued, nodding at James.

"Gossiping now?" Shepard asked, shifting to glance at the lieutenant. James chuckled nervously and shrugged like it was nothing, and Shepard decided to give him that. "I swear, marines gossip worse than housewives."

"That supposed to be sexist?" Ashley retorted.

Trakes choked on a laugh and Shepard smirked. "No?" She rolled her eyes and returned to whatever was on the plate in front of her. Shepard frowned as he said, "I don't think I've ever seen you eat so much."

"What, you know my eating habits now?"

Both of his brows shot up as Trakes caught his eyes. There was a hint of amusement buried in them, but his face was perfectly straight. Strange. Trakes was, more often than not, smiling. Shepard didn't think he'd ever seen the man keep a straight face when he wanted to laugh.

"So...what?" He lifted an arm to rest his elbow on the table and used two fingers to point at the pair across from him and James. "You two buddy-buddy again?"

Ashley ignored his question in favor of her lunch, but Trakes glanced at the side of her head before looking back at Shepard. The other N7 shrugged. "I guess. I mean, I doubt I'd be sitting here if we weren't."

"She's gonna stop you?" James asked with a laugh.

Before either of them could interrupt, there was a clatter as Ashley dropped her fork back onto the table. "Is that a challenge?"

"No," Shepard said quickly.

Ashley shot him a look. "I didn't ask you. I was asking Bozo."

"Hell yeah," James retorted.

"Bozo?" Shepard repeated, tasting the word. He frowned again, looking back to Trakes as the other two started arguing. Trakes was clearly putting a concerted effort into not laughing, but Shepard wasn't pleased with the implications of the little fight. "Okay, no. Both of you shut up."

"What?" Vega asked. There was a hint of innocence in his voice, innocence that didn't belong. "There's nothing wrong with a little friendly competition."

"Yeah, there is," Shepard said, fixing Ashley with a hard stare. She quirked a brow, but didn't comment, and returned to eating. "We have a mission drop in a few hours and you guys aren't beating each other up before then."

Ashley scoffed. "He wouldn't land a hit before I decked his ass."

Trakes snorted and James smacked his hand off the tabletop. "You wanna bet?"

Shepard sighed and ran a hand down his face.

"Yeah, that's a bet," she said. "After Shepard's done babying us, I'll kick your ass. Sound good?"

James laughed. "I'll take it easy on you."

Another scoff. "Please. If you think you can knock me out, do it."

"An hour after you get back?"

"You're on."

He pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut, and said, "Don't break him, Ash."

"No promises."

It was James' turn to scoff, bemused, as Trakes elbowed her. "Look at it this way. If he's still kicking, the _Normandy_ has another brainless meathead to take the bullets."

"I hate to tell you this, Trakes, but you're one of those meatheads," Shepard said.

Trakes stared him down for several seconds before saying, "Then what does that make you? Leader of Clan...Meathead?"

"I think the term is jarhead," James said.

"Meathead is funnier," Trakes retorted.

"Besides," Ashley started, "most of us aren't stupid anyway. Usually."

* * *

Shepard would give anything to be back on the ship right now, exchanging potshots with Ashley, Trakes, and Vega. Anything would be better than this.

He rolled his shoulder and cracked his neck, letting out a satisfied groan at the popping sensation. After that building collapsed into the canyon, his already stiff muscles were protesting so much as walking. That being said, he wasn't going to let a little discomfort stop him, and it wasn't like they had any way out of the tunnel system they currently found themselves in.

"You know what would be nice?" Garrus whispered. "Flashlights."

"Sorry, I didn't think to pack my underground exploration kit," Ashley retorted sarcastically.

"Quiet," Shepard ordered.

The party fell silent and he took a step into the cavern, doing his best to listen for anything out of the ordinary. There was the occasional drip of water, splashing off the rocky ground or off a distant puddle, and something eerily similar to the skittering of a Collectors' wings.

"Sounds like bugs," Garrus said. "We _are_ out by the rachni relay..."

"Wrex said the missing scouts were investigating rachni activity," Shepard said, reaching towards his back for his assault rifle. If he felt up to using his biotics, he might've gone for his shotgun, but he seriously doubted he would be able to keep up with how much his body would demand. Playing it safe was his best course of action. "Lights on."

He pressed the side of his rifle to activate the underhand light and waved Ashley and Garrus to his side. He shined his light over the cavern, studying the rock formations and the path forward. It would require climbing through the area for them to get to the other tunnel.

"This darkness isn't going to make this any easier," Garrus said.

"It's not that bad," Ashley replied.

"We're not all Reaper-enhanced lunatics," Shepard retorted. Almost as soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted it, but he was fortunate enough that Ashley didn't seem affected whatsoever. But then again, she could compartmentalize on a level that he couldn't comprehend. Not too long ago she was shaking in a C-Sec interrogation room, and then onky a few hours later she was joking with him, Trakes, and Vega like nothing had happened.

"Fortunately for you," she said, voicing a thought similar to his own.

"Agreed," he muttered halfheartedly. "Anyway, let's get started."

Garrus nodded in the direction of the nearest overhang and traced its length with a finger, saying, "If we climb up there, we can follow the path towards the opening across the cave."

"That's what I was thinking," Shepard said, leading the way towards the rocky outcropping. He shined his light over the top, just barely tall enough to reach and see all at once, and, deciding the next step was clear, he pulled himself up. Garrus followed suit, though his ascent was far more graceful and probably hurt him a lot less. Shepard felt like he was back in middle school, struggling to get in one pull up. He didn't even want to see how easily Ash managed to get up.

"Getting old?" Garrus asked.

Shepard snorted and ran a hand down his face. "Yeah, sure. Let's go with that." He brushed errant dirt and stone from his hard suit, listening as it ticked off the ground, and rolled his shoulders. A good crack of his neck and he felt immensely better, though there would be no ignoring the pained throb coming from between his shoulder blades.

"How severe were your injuries?" Garrus added as the three of them advanced towards the next level. It left them in another small cave, but this one was odd, as it didn't feel much like a separation from the main cavern they were attempting to navigate.

"I took a couple shots to the chest," Shepard answered. "My arm got pretty banged up. I wouldn't be so tired if they hadn't been using incendiary rounds."

"Uh-huh," the turian teased. "Blame it on the ammo. Face it, Commander. You're just getting up there in years."

Shepard laughed. "I'd hope not. You're not much younger than me, buddy, and turians live as long as humans."

"I'm not prone to going out in a blaze of glory."

"So what was that when you took a rocket to the side of the face?" Ashley chimed in.

" _I_ didn't go out like that," Garrus said, "unlike someone we know."

Shepard held up a hand to keep them from advancing, headed forward solo while they took expertly timed shots at each other. It wasn't anything new; they had been making fun of each other the same way for years and Shepard got tired of the same old, same old. Besides, they were too busy bickering to notice the cords tracing through the faint haze over their feet. He could feel mist creeping his leg and he fought the urge to sigh. He hated conditions like these.

He stopped, bending at the waist to reach for one of the wires. Tubing. It was gray, covered in ridges and bumps like a worm.

Turning slightly, he held it up for them to see. "Reaper tech?"

"Not the stuff that'll make you go insane, at the very least," Ashley said. "Lucky for you."

Garrus nodded. "Yeah, I don't think you're supposed to go around touching things that you suspect of belonging to the Reapers."

"It's a cord," he said, exasperated.

"It's Reaper tech. Nobody should be playing with that shit, Skipper, and you know that."

He sighed, relenting, and tossed it back to the ground. "Ash, scout out the path up to the tunnel. I'm going to try radioing Grunt, see if he's seeing anything similar to what's on our end." She nodded and shut off her light before leaving Shepard with Garrus, who was presently shining his light as far up as he dared. The awkward angle probably left him with a ghastly look plastered to his features.

Oh well.

Shepard put a hand up to his ear and tried contacting the tank-bred krogan now in charge of Aralakh company. His answer was static.

"We need to get closer to the surface," he said, dropping his arm.

"Think there's a way out?" Garrus ventured.

"There damn well better be. I'm not allowing a little collapse to kill me."


	81. Chapter 81

Two simultaneous demands of, "What?" It wasn't often that Garrus and Ashley so blatantly agreed with each other, but when they did, they both liked to make themselves heard, Ashley more so than Garrus.

Shepard felt like a machine when he said, "We're getting the queen out of here."

"Aralakh company needs—"

His expression hardened. "The rachni will be more useful than one team of krogan commandos." Without another word to the two of them, Shepard put a hand up to his ear and radioed the krogan leader. "Grunt, get us out of here. We need to get the queen to safety."

"You...what?" Even with the interference, Shepard couldn't miss the confused anger coursing through Grunt's voice. "Dammit, Shepard! I'm leaving my team!'

"This is more important than a couple soldiers!" he retorted.

Grunt paused, and then groaned audibly. "Dammit," he repeated. "I'm on my way. Aralakh company will hold the rachni off."

"Thanks."

Something about his response felt lacking. Everything felt lacking. The Reapers were tearing the galaxy apart and nothing he did felt like it was making a difference. He hoped this would. He hoped sending Admiral Hackett rachni scientists would make up for the uselessness he kept feeling day in and day out.

He reached back for his shotgun and took a step towards the others, leveling the barrel with the piece of Reaper technology keeping the queen in the cave system. Shepard pulled the trigger and the power core exploded as he swung the gun up, catching it by the grip before stowing it away on his back again.

The queen shook off the cords and hunks of metal holding her in the cavern almost immediately. And as soon as she did, the insect-like chittering started up again. Shepard's head snapped up and around, inspecting the ceiling and walls. It was coming from everywhere. The sound of sentient, pissed off bugs hadn't haunted his sleep in months, but he suspected it would start again when he tried. Worrying about Kaidan and bugs wasn't something he was thrilled to be doing.

He looked to the queen and pointed. "Get out of here! Go!" Shepard didn't wait to see if she listened. He turned back to his team and joined them behind the rocks, taking up a defensive position on the ground while Garrus clambered as high as he dared with his sniper. "Throw down whatever mines you have left, Garrus. It might buy Aralakh company some time."

While the turian did as asked, Ashley said, "You think blowing a couple up will make a difference?"

"If it doesn't for them, it will for us," Shepard answered. She stared at him for a couple seconds, then reverted to focusing on the tunnels leading to their position. He didn't doubt the first of the rachni to set foot in here would get blasted. And while he didn't want to leave it up to them, he put his hand back up to his ear and hunkered down. "How long are we waiting Grunt?"

"Three minutes—"

"Contact!" Quickly followed by a bang and a brief flare of light from the gunfire. "Holy shit." Voice riddled with disbelief, then panic. "Commander!"

Shepard poked his head out briefly. He caught sight of one of Garrus' mines as he whipped it, latching onto the side of a ravager, seconds before it exploded. Behind it, swarmers and more ravagers were creeping out of the tunnel. His heart almost stopped beating from shock.

"We don't have three minutes, Grunt! We'll be dead in two!"

"Optimist," Ashley muttered. It sounded like an accusation.

"Husks on the left!" Garrus shouted.

"Double time it!" Shepard snapped before killing his comm. His omni-tool beeped in response, informing him that his navpoint had been updated. "Location?" he called, glancing across the water-strewn pathway.

"Far wall!" Ashley shouted. Shepard reached back for his assault rifle and braced its barrel on the rock formation. In less than a second, he'd sighted and pulled the trigger, splattering green fluid across the puddles as a bunch of swarmers bursted. "Sixty seconds!"

"Hold 'em off for thirty!" Shepard answered. "We make a break for it after!"

"Understood," Garrus replied.

There was an ear-splitting crack and Shepard dropped as soon as the sound kicked in. Less than an instant later, a chunk of stone was torn from the wall and launched across the cavern. It landed with a thud and sent water flying. Combine that with the booming echo of Garrus' mines and a crackling explosion from Ashley's grenade, and Shepard's ears started ringing. He was suddenly glad he didn't have it in him to use his biotics in excess, or there would be enough explosions to deafen him.

He stood back up and fired at a pair of husks, cutting them down as they went to climb Garrus' hiding spot. Another beat, and there was a crack as one of the turian's shots split through a ravager's brain. Shepard ducked in time to dodge any returned fire, sparing himself the time to reload his gun. The motion was mechanically soothing, but he felt like he should've reloaded faster.

 _Goddamn injuries,_ he grumbled to himself.

"Cannibals inbound!"

"I see them."

Shepard poked around the side of his boulder and threw a shockwave, knocking several husks back before they got too close. A grenade kicked up out of the water and beeped so faintly he wasn't sure how he heard it. But then it went off, and the force of his biotics launched the fire backwards, into the advancing rachni and Reaper troops.

"Ash?"

She waited long enough to fire off another shot, but then gave the thumbs up.

"Garrus, take the left. Ash, you've got the right. I'll take point." _Gonna regret volunteering myself for that later._ "Move out!"

He rolled to the side and jumped to his feet. Something in his leg gave and he started to go down, but Ashley had already crossed the path to fall in. Her hand shot out to catch his arm and haul him upright, and all he could do was nod past his clenched jaw.

Garrus slid down to grab his left flank a moment later. Shepard refused to allow himself to get caught up from his weak leg and pushed forward, popping off a few shots in the direction of a ravager. One of the egg sacs burst to release swarmers, but he dealt with them before they got too close. They'd made it this far without too many debilitating injuries and Shepard wanted to keep it that way. He wasn't carrying anyone out of this mess, and he wasn't _getting_ carried out either.

It had been ages since he had to run and gun with his team. He and Garrus practically had to sprint the entire way there just to keep up with Ashley, who made it look like it was nothing. Shepard was a marine; he was trained to be able to run for miles comfortably, but good God, that was something else entirely.

"Never getting used to that," he muttered under his breath. Garrus outright laughed somewhere behind him as he dropped a cannibal, leaving Shepard grumbling to himself under his breath.

As he leapt into the small pool of water, he swore he saw a mercenary run past and dive into cover. Shepard blinked and frowned, brows furrowing in confusion. He hadn't seen that brand of hard suit since the Blitz.

He shook his head to clear it even as Garrus propelled him forward. It didn't help. When he refocused on his surroundings, he wasn't in the caverns with Ashley and Garrus. He was in a hotel, crouched behind the front desk with his commanding officer and their tech specialist. Bullets were flying through the walls and windows, and the desk threatened to give out.

The lights flickered overhead and Shepard felt his heart stop in a flash of terror.

He inhaled deeply and squeezed his eyes shut. _You're a marine. Marines don't quit._

Edwards was shouting over the gunfire. Something about Rossi getting back to the rest of the squad, trying to set up communications with Alliance headquarters. Rossi's immediate answer was a thumbs up and to get up to run back into the hotel.

Shepard shouted a warning as the kid left. He started to stand, went to tackle him back to the ground, but Edwards caught his shoulder before he did, and it was all he could do to watch as Rossi was mowed down like an animal being taken in for slaughter. He felt something warm splash over his cheeks, get in his mouth, and his stomach lurched when he realized it was the teenager's blood.

He threw Edwards off and scrambled forward, getting a hand around Rossi's radio before being forced to throw up a biotic shield between himself and the bullets. He couldn't see them, but the mercenaries ceased their firing for a brief moment out of hesitation. It gave him the chance to turn back around and skid behind the desk again.

"Don't do that!" Edwards snarled as he handed the major the radio.

Shepard couldn't feel embarrassed. He'd just watched his friend, a nineteen-year-old kid fresh out of basic _die_ and it hardly had the time to sink in yet. He was still in shock. Rossi had so much promise. He was a technological savant and just as good a shot as he was at hacking. And instead of going to college and working for some corporation where it was safe, he joined the Alliance. Shepard had asked him why, and his only answer was if he could help humanity's military, then he'd be happy.

Rossi joined the Alliance to protect other marines and Navy personnel. He thought his tech skills would be better put to use in the field.

And now he was dead.

Shepard's apology didn't feel very apologetic.

The next thing he knew, Edwards was shoving the radio back into Shepard's hands and moving into a crouch, assault rifle in hand. "You know where the school is down the street?"

He blinked, apologized again, and nodded as he attempted to regain control of himself. "Yes, sir."

"Good," the major answered. "Take that radio and get to it. There's a couple teachers holed up with their students inside. Get them across the city and onto an evac bird."

"What about you and the others, sir? The civilians?"

Edwards shook his head. "We'll be fine. A large party would only attract attention and you're the only one capable of taking on a squad of enemies solo. You have to go."

Shepard hesitated. He didn't want to leave them. These were his friends, his brothers and sisters in arms. This was his family. They'd gone out to celebrate his completion of N training every time so far, and they'd taken bets on when he'd reach the rank of N7 and leave them.

He didn't want to ever make it that far. He liked this squad, liked the rapport they had, and definitely didn't want to be sent away to handle missions on his own.

"Is that an order, sir?" he asked.

"That's an order," Edwards confirmed.

Shepard swallowed, but nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Now I'm going to count to three," he said. "When I say three, I want you to run for the window over there. I'll cover you. Understood?"

He nodded again and repeated his previous answer. He squeezed his eyes shut, took a couple deep breaths, and listened. Overhead, one of the lighting fixtures crashed to the floor and broke his concentration just as Edwards told him to go.

So he went. Targeting lasers hit his arm and leg, the side of his face, anything openly facing the mercenaries. The bullets shifted to focus on him, but the major stood to draw their attention, and by the time Shepard crashed to the alley outside, the lobby was quiet.

 _Don't look,_ he told himself.

Instead, he scrambled in the faint lighting for the radio and took off. It was ancient tech, but if they hadn't been off-duty, they wouldn't have needed it. Shepard wasn't even sure how to work it. He kept it anyway, tucking it into the belt of his uniform. It bounced against his hip as he ran, antenna digging uncomfortably into his ribs, probably bruising his skin.

Shepard rounded the bend to take him back into another alley and was greeted with the butt of a rifle to the gut. The wind rushed from his lungs as he doubled over, groaning in pain. He'd felt that before, but whatever practice he had with a gun to the stomach never prepared him for the next hit. His ribs were most likely cracked now, if not outright broken.

 _Keep going,_ he thought.

As the mercenary went to smack him in the temple, Shepard reached up and caught him by the shoulder. He buried his fist in the man's stomach, once, twice, three times, before finishing him off with a solid, biotic-fueled punch to the face. Blood spurted from his nose as he collapsed, covering Shepard's hands in the sticky red liquid, and his own, pained stomach churned at the side. He just punched a man's face in like it was _nothing._ Like it was a nail and his fist was the hammer.

He had been in rough patches in the past, but this was definitely the worst. As an N3, Shepard had done plenty of things he wasn't proud of, seen his fair share of combat and seen the same gruesome reality that accompanied it, but nothing prepared him for that.

Pushing the guilt aside, he bent for the mercenary's assault rifle. When his fingers brushed over the stock, the ground changed. Metal grating, gray and black. The mercenary he was bent over changed too. Rather than his blue and red combat suit, he was wearing an Alliance uniform similar to his own. No, now he was the one in the hard suit. Black and red with an N stripe down his arm. The N7 decal was etched into his chestpiece.

 _N...seven?_ he wondered, confused.

He snatched his hand back and the world returned to its chaotic state. Smoke rising from burning buildings, distant gunfire mixed with shots too close for comfort, screams of the dying.

Someone called his name. Hesitantly, softly, concerned. His head snapped up, but all he saw was another mercenary. She was unarmed, but that didn't mean she wasn't dangerous. She could be a biotic like he was. She could be waiting for him to let his guard down.

He didn't wait for that to happen. He drew on the faint tingling sensation at the base of his skull and purple energy crackled down his arm all the way to his fingertips. He saw her tense, take a worried step back, but when he took a step forward, that was the end of it. She charged at him first, hitting him in the abdomen and knocking them both to the pavement. Shepard went to unclasp her helmet as they fell, to get rid of the one advantage she had over him, and threw it to the side. She jerked back and kicked him in the stomach, hard.

Shepard felt bone give and he cried out. The mercenary was already clambering back up. He couldn't let her stand, not if he wanted to survive. He had orders to follow, children to save. He wasn't going to let them down. He _couldn't._ They were depending on him.

He threw a shockwave at her, but his body screamed in protest. She fell and he scrambled, straining to get to her first, to pin her down and repeat what just happened with her friend. Back to the ground they went, Shepard pinning her in place with one hand while he brought back the other. Her eyes locked on his fist as purple energy began to dance along his knuckles, and for a second, he thought she really looked terrified.

She was here to kill innocent civilians. He wanted to feel bad, but he just couldn't. She was a murderer.

At least it would be quick.

He went to smash her head in, but before his fist came down, hers came up. Her free hand caught his own, and no matter how hard he pushed, she didn't give up an inch.

"Shepard, please!"

 _She...knows my name?_

"It's not real!"

 _Of fucking course it's_ real. _I watched them die!_

He fought for control of the situation, but she had his hand held tight. Could mercenaries have really figured out how to make someone inhumanly strong? It was starting to look like it.

Her thumb was brushing over his fingers. It was gentle, soft, and Shepard found his heart aching. As confusing as it was, that gesture and his own reaction to it, his brows furrowed in determination. He wasn't going to lose. He _refused_ to die now. Not after Rossi. Not after Edwards.

"Shepard..." Her voice was almost pleading. "Please, I don't want to hurt you."

That was it. He wrenched his hand back, but her grip was firm, and he was forced to make that hand his anchor while using his other. However, the instant he released her, her elbow snapped off the side of his head with enough force to make him see stars.

Dazed, it was no challenge for her to push him off and reverse their positions. But unlike him, when she pinned his wrists, the hold was soft, like she was afraid of injuring him further. She was shouting for someone he couldn't see, ordering them to find some Doctor Chakwas and to have her bring sedatives and restraints.

When she looked back down at him, her eyes were brown, not green. Soft and warm, familiar, not the harsh, icy look the green eyes had.

"You're safe, Shepard. I promise."

Safe. He didn't feel safe, but with a voice like that, who was he to argue?


	82. Chapter 82

With Shepard under constant observation in the _Normandy's_ med bay, their progress with the Reaper invasion was halted under her own orders. He hadn't wanted her anywhere near Reaper troops to begin with, and despite Trakes' backup that she was okay to hit the ground with them, Ashley had her own reservations. She'd just witnessed Shepard completely collapse under a flashback. She didn't want to renew the Reapers' seemingly absent interest in her, didn't want to waltz back onto the _Normandy_ and have them see an opportunity to rid the galaxy of the one man capable of saving it.

So clearing out his mission docket seemed a logical option. Besides, when she reported in to Hackett instead of Shepard (that had been fun to explain) he had brought up Cerberus raids on Benning. The Commander had had something marked from a human ambassador on the Citadel, something about his missing son and how he hadn't heard anything since he was stationed on the colony. Ashley had figured getting some answers for the man was in order...and getting some revenge for Kaidan's capture. The missing marine's dog tags were sitting on Shepard's desk now.

Piss Cerberus off enough, maybe she'd get lucky and have the Illusive Man send Leng after her again. Or maybe even Kaidan. Finding him had been at the forefront of her mind for the last two days. She was still reeling; she didn't want anyone to suffer what she had, though she knew Cerberus had refined their process of "integration."

Whatever they were doing to Kaidan, it was likely to be far less painful than it had been for her. And unfortunately, it was probably going to be more efficient. A lot of Cerberus' control over her had stemmed from brain and spinal implants, most of which had been carefully removed by Chakwas and Mordin at various intervals during their hunt for the Collectors. She doubted whatever was happening to Kaidan would be so...reversible.

She sighed, barely moving her shoulders to show that she was, in fact, breathing. Everyone around her was falling apart. Kaidan was gone, taken by Kai Leng and Cerberus. Lynn was dead, just another relationship she'd never be able to fix. Sarah was not only mourning the loss of a sister, but now her husband as well.

And then there was Shepard, who had apparently been lying rather well about how Elysium's fall was affecting him. Or at least, that was the only explanation for the flashback that anyone had been able to come up with. There was nothing in his files to indicate such a severe response to what he'd experienced, and the only time Ashley had ever seen him flinch like that had been on Horizon, when he pulled that boy out of the stasis pod. He'd frozen for several seconds as he shielded that kid with his body, and he hadn't even seemed to realize it.

That, mixed with his increasingly explosive temper, should've told her he was starting to crack. There was only so much pressure and stress a person could take, and Shepard was starting to reach his limits.

The very thought of it terrified her. Once, she had told him she was independent and didn't need a shoulder to cry on. It had been true at the time and she prayed it was true now. But between then and now, she had been through enough traumatic experiences that plenty of people would break. She was still amazed she hadn't completely fallen apart, but that was only because Shepard had her back through every second of it. He'd become a crutch for her when she used to pride herself on not needing one. He'd willingly been everything she swore she didn't need from a partner and didn't bat an eyelash when she was proven wrong.

Waiting for him to regain consciousness wasn't easy. She had spent an hour pacing through the observation deck before deciding to act, which had led to her report to Hackett and their brief foray onto Benning. That had taken only a half hour, but between travel times and drop times, it had amounted to a good two and a half in the ship's log.

It had been another hour since Cortez picked them back up. Ashley had gone straight to the med bay, claiming she needed her wounds from the Cerberus attack checked on. She had taken a single shot to the gut, but it was from a bolt-action sniper rifle, modified to use incendiary ammo. Gauze was still wrapped around her torso to keep the burns from chafing against her clothes. They made doing much of anything painful and difficult, but she managed, mostly to make sure she could get back to check on Shepard.

Understandably, it had been an easy lie. Chakwas wanted to keep an eye on how the burns were healing to begin with, and Ashley would take any excuse to see him.

"Couple more hours," she had said.

Ashley was afraid she'd killed him. She had accidentally killed people before and she didn't want to add his name to that list. He was too important. Too important to her, too important to the rest of galaxy.

Sighing, Ashley pushed herself to her feet and left the observation deck. Sitting around moping wasn't going to do anyone any good, herself included. She needed to move, do something that wasn't violent. Figuring out what that was supposed to be would be a challenge, but she went anyway, heading for the med bay.

As soon as she stepped inside, she let out a breath of relief. Grunt was up and bitching about having to be dragged out of the rachni tunnels, grumbling about how it was very unlike a krogan to be "dragged" anywhere. Eve seemed to be indifferent on his complaining, throwing comments in here and there, but otherwise quiet. Ashley didn't blame her. Stuck on a ship full of strangers, Ashley didn't think she'd be very talkative either.

But rather than interrupt whatever the two krogans were doing, she sidestepped Mordin and joined Chakwas at Shepard's side. He was sitting up while she ran a medical light back and forth, up and down, testing the extent of his injuries. She did her best to not stare, but only because she didn't really want to look at the bruises. Those were her fault.

"You've been busy, I hear," he said. Chakwas stepped back and typed something into her datapad before having him lift his arms above his head.

"Can't sit around wasting time," Ashley answered, shrugging.

He nodded and looked away. Chakwas grabbed him by the wrist and lifted his left arm, but she didn't get it over his chest before he winced and pulled it back. His fingers shot down to his ribs, the bruising, and Ashley felt her stomach twist into knots.

Shepard caught her gaze as she swallowed, folding her arms over her chest. He frowned and said, "You did this?"

"You weren't stopping."

"I didn't...I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Ashley rolled up the sleeve of her shirt and showed him her wrist, also bruised from his grip when he'd pinned her to the floor, and shrugged again. "Thankfully that's all you managed to do. To anyone."

He frowned. "I remember...punching someone. Over and over until they couldn't stand, and then I..." Shepard swallowed and looked down at his hands. "I remember smashing someone's face in with my biotics."

"You tried to," she said. "James pulled you off the tech before you could, but you went after his gun and..." She shook her head and crossed her arms again. "I wasn't going to let you shoot everyone in the hangar."

"Oh. Well, thanks for that." Chakwas pressed something against his side, directly over the bruising, and he hissed in pain, shooting the doctor a dark glare. "But not for this. I mean, really?"

"I pulled my kick."

Shepard snorted and rolled his eyes, dropping his hands in his lap. He flexed his hands while Chakwas poked and prodded, accounting for his injuries and typing more into her datapad. "I'm sorry. For screwing up today."

"It wasn't your fault, Commander."

Something in his posture changed. Ashley tensed her muscles, preparing herself for the worst even if she doubted that's what it was, but all he did was sit up and run a hand down his face. "You and Garrus got out okay?"

Ashley forced herself to relax as she nodded. "Yeah. We pointed you in the right direction and you ran on your own. We didn't even know anything was wrong until you attacked us." He nodded and looked away again, embarrassed before she even got the words out. It made her feel guilty. "What happened down there, Shepard?"

"Flashback," he said.

"We got that. I meant—"

"I know what you meant," he retorted. "I'm not sharing."

Ashley's eyebrows shot up in surprise, but she didn't comment. She could understand not wanting to share that. Just the other day, she hadn't wanted to share the darker details of what had happened between her and Cerberus. Shepard didn't want to share whatever was eating away at him, and Ashley could deal with his decision.

Until she got him alone somewhere, so she could badger him like he used to badger her.

"Fine." Turning away from him, Ashley looked to Chakwas and asked, "How long until he's ready for duty?"

The doctor sighed and looked up from her charts, swinging the datapad around behind her back. "Depending on how well he cooperates, it should only be a matter of hours now."

"I'm the one who behaves," he protested.

"Yes," Chakwas said, sighing exasperatedly, "if you count behaving as repeatedly asking how long until you're free. Neither of you are very good at listening to me. Speaking of which..." Her gaze shifted to Ashley and her stomach dropped. She didn't even get the chance to excuse herself, because Chakwas was already beckoning her towards her desk.

Resigning herself to Chakwas' polite bitching, Ashley followed the doctor back across the med bay. Behind her, she heard Shepard snort a laugh before lying back down, and Ashley had to resist the urge to roll her eyes.

Chakwas slid into her chair and opened her computer, scrolling through a train of messages until she found the one she was looking for. It was marked recent, only a day or so old, but it still embarrassed her.

"The Alliance has you on medication, Lieutenant-Commander."

Ashley's answer was a half-hearted huff.

"None of this is stored on the _Normandy._ "

She knew exactly where this was going.

"How long have you gone without your meds?"

Ashley shook her head and sighed. "A couple of days." The stern look she got in response made her groan. "Maybe a week. I don't know. I have more important things to do than worry about medicine to keep from getting headaches."

"It says here you're taking pills for chest pains as well."

"Not...everything was easy to get rid off."

Chakwas pointed a pen at her as she spun back around and wrote something down on a notepad. Pen and paper. Ashley had just used it herself a week or so ago, but seeing it never ceased to amaze her. It was almost as ancient as weapons that used bullets and not pellets of sand and debris.

"Until I can pick these up from the Citadel, you need to be down here more often."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning the beginning of each day and the end," Chakwas said. "I need to keep an eye on your headaches, and if you're having chest pains, combat situations are dangerous. More than they already are, at the very least." Ashley's brows shot up in surprise; as soon as she heard "combat situations" she had expected to be confined to the ship again. But before she could even ask if that was still a possibility, Chakwas added, "Do you carry painkillers of your own?"

"Uh...yes?"

"Good. Use them as the bottle says to. I want to know when you use them."

"What? Why?"

"Records."

When she didn't say anything further, Ashley opened her mouth to tell Chakwas right where she could stuff that order. Chakwas' rapid answer was to wave her off in dismissal before the words even formed. Ashley huffed again, irritated, and she swore she heard Shepard laughing. She shot him a dirty look, but he wasn't paying attention, and all she did was glare at the bruises she put on his ribs. Again, her stomach twisted into anxious, guilty knots.

She wanted, _needed,_ to apologize. And in a more personal manner than just a simple "I'm sorry" in public. Nothing had ever made her feel quite as shitty as that had. Not holding a gun on him, but this, this did. When she had held a gun on him, she'd never actually hurt him. But breaking his ribs? He still had globs of medigel stuck in his side so he didn't bleed out, and she just...kicked him. Hurt him. Like it was nothing.

For the longest of times, Ashley had been afraid of one thing, and one thing only. That thing had been falling apart and hurting someone, that someone being Shepard. And now that she had hurt him, she wasn't even the one falling apart. It was him and the only way to keep him safe was to injure him further.

Never had she thought the universe was fair, but this was just furthering that point.

Ashley looked down at her feet before marching out of the med bay. The longer she stayed there, the longer she felt she'd be angry. Anger wasn't anything new for her; out of all the emotions Cerberus had left in her, anger was that one. And on top of it, what little of a temper she used to have was extinguished as well. She wasn't a patient woman, and Cerberus ruined whatever chance she'd have at it.

Thinking of Cerberus led to thoughts about Kaidan, about the situation he was in, and it made her worry. She was hardly aware of her hand slipping into her pants pocket to finger her old dog tags, but she was less aware of where her feet carried her. Within seconds of leaving the med bay, Ashley found herself in Liara's office as the asari mumbled away angrily at her desk. Had she been interested, Ashley probably could've stood in the doorway to wait for acknowledgment, eavesdropped a little. After all, she seemed to be good at sticking her nose into others' problems.

"Liara?"

A pair of icy blue eyes caught her browns and Ashley's eyebrows shot up inquisitively. "Oh, Ashley. It's good to see you. In fact, I'd been meaning to speak with you."

That only made her more anxious, doubly so since there would only be one thing they'd _need_ to talk about.

"What is it?" she asked, walking further into the office and pushing her thoughts about Kaidan away. "Have you found anything on Jack Harper?"

Liara's answering nod was probably the best thing she'd seen all day. It gave her hope.

"I ran your list of names through traffic records on the Citadel," Liara explained. "It wasn't easy, not with the refugees, but I got a hit on one of them."

Ashley hesitated as she joined the asari at her work station, debating carefully on her response. After a moment of awkward staring, though, she blurted, "I wasn't looking for all of them, Liara."

"I know," she replied. "You were looking for the Illusive Man, but I think this is a step in the right direction." Ashley was handed a datapad, one with a file for Ben Hislop pulled up. He was pronounced dead during the First Contact war, but Liara was correct. This _was_ a step in the right direction. As a matter of fact, it could be exactly what Ashley needed. "Hislop is dead, though upon further digging I realized why his name sounds so familiar."

"Cord-Hislop Aerospace," Ashley said. "They manufacture starships."

"Cord-Hislop is backed by Cerberus. A certain Paul Grayson was their CEO for quite a while."

Ashley's fist clenched around the datapad. Yes, this was definitely what she needed. A good connection to Cerberus, to the Illusive Man. "But if Hislop is dead..."

"Then who used his name to get past C-Sec?" Liara finished.

"You already know, don't you?"

Liara's answering smile told her enough. "Recognize this man?" She gestured to the nearest monitor before pulling up a grainy photo from a security camera.

And on it was the Illusive Man, dressed in his usual business attire. Something in Ashley snapped, but she refrained from taking the burst of rage out on Liara. Liara had done exactly what she was asked to do, and she did it faster than Ashley thought possible.

"When was this taken? Where?"

"Yesterday, about noon," Liara said. "It was taken from a private docking bay, owned by—"

"Cord-Hislop," she guessed.

"Precisely."

She passed the datapad back to its owner. "We need to get to the Citadel."

Liara's face scrunched up in confusion. "And how is that a good idea? Councilor Udina had you removed from the station and C-Sec knows you're not supposed to go anywhere without Shepard escorting you. They know what you look like, Ashley. And what if it's a trap?"

The last comment sounded like an afterthought, but a wise one. It was actually the only thing Ashley was even remotely worried about.

"Just because subtly isn't my style doesn't mean I'm not capable of it," she retorted. "I'm not going to get another chance like this. I _have_ to take it now, Liara, or we might never find him again."

"It was too easy to find him, Ashley," Liara protested. "Ben—"

"No one else knows who he is," Ashley said. "No one outside of this room knows about Jack Harper and Ben Hislop. Why would he cover something like that up when it shouldn't affect him?"

"It just feels...wrong."

Ashley sighed, but smiled as encouragingly as she could manage. It was obviously forced, or at least, it felt like it was obvious. "Don't worry, Liara. I was trained for jobs like this. It'll be fine."

"And what are you going to do if you're right? If you find him?"

"I'm going to get some much needed payback. For myself and Kaidan."

 _And hopefully find him, too._


	83. Chapter 83

Starboard observation had become a haven of sorts for her. Crew members rarely, if ever, entered the small room, opting for the lounge on the opposite side of the ship. It was less...homey and more geared for relaxing with friends. Not to mention the _Normandy_ actually stored alcohol, and that's where it was. As a result, Ashley's little hidey-hole was ignored by almost everyone.

And considering her position as the ship's executive officer, starboard observation was perhaps the _dumbest_ place for her to hide. According to the Alliance, her job was to deal with crew relations and handle the basic runnings of the ship.

All Ashley did was snap at crew members who were slacking and put them into orbit when Shepard was injured. She imagined she wouldn't be getting any points for that, the fear of going off and actually doing something while their CO was incapacitated. Before it might've bothered her. Now she was perfectly happy sitting on her ass if it meant everyone around her was safe.

Ashley was starting to realize she didn't necessarily care about the Alliance, let alone its rules or regulations. Most of them were shit, anyway, according to Cerberus. She hadn't really sat down to think that one through yet and she didn't plan to. Working through what Cerberus beat into her never ended well. Best scenario would leave her in a sour mood. Worst case, she'd hurt someone.

It hadn't been a problem in ages. She didn't want it to be a problem now. If she became a problem now, there wouldn't be many options for Shepard to get rid of her. Ashley didn't want to be kicked off the ship...even if she was considering deserting just to track down Jack Harper.

Shepard would understand. He always did. But the Alliance? Ashley didn't want to deal with that shitstorm, assuming they all survived long enough for desertion to matter.

"Prepare for deceleration," EDI reported.

 _What's even the point of that warning if there's inertial dampners?_

"Beginning approach to Tuchanka." Ashley's brain did cartwheels. "Reaper activity detected. Possible hazards may be unavoidable."

She threw the book she'd been thumbing aside and leapt to her feet.

 _Goddammit, Shepard._

* * *

Before the shuttle even touched down, Ashley could hear explosions. They were far off, though, aimed at Shepard and his team, and the turian platoon. If she wasn't so damn glad they weren't being fired at the shuttle, Ashley might've had it in her to be worried about Shepard.

But since the mortars weren't firing at them, that meant Cerberus didn't know they were coming. That gave them an advantage.

"It's always Cerberus," Trakes muttered, voicing her thoughts.

"Unfortunately," she agreed. She shot Vega a look past her visor, watching as he took a leather bag from Trakes. He slung the strap over his shoulder and head, leaving the sack against his hip, and her eyes narrowed. "Be careful with those, James."

He grinned. "I'm always careful with explosives, jefe."

Rather than cringe at the slur, Ashley turned and joined Cortez at the head of the shuttle. The pilot glanced up at her briefly, but his eyes shot back down to his controls almost immediately. "I should be able to set you down at the landing pad, but it'll draw attention and I can't guarantee we won't be seen before you're on the ground."

"Yeah, well, we're going to get shot at eventually. Do what you can."

"Yes, ma'am."

Satisfied, she returned to her pair of idiots. Trakes was bouncing on his feet, excited, and James was loading a thermal clip into his assault rifle. Finding his display amusing, she bumped the N7 on the shoulder with her elbow.

"Jitters?" she teased.

"Ready to be off that damn ship," Trakes answered, smirking. "Jitters don't mean shit when you're getting restless."

"Just don't get shot."

His "shouldn't I be the one saying that to you" comeback came as she put her hand up to her ear. The answering interference wasn't nearly as deafening as the sound of gunfire once it finally cleared. It was abrupt enough to make Ashley flinch, and she had to strain to even hear Shepard's voice.

Shepard let loose a stream of curses before demanding, "What's your ETA?"

"We're approaching the landing zone now."

"Good, 'cause we're getting our asses handed to us," he grumbled. "The turians have made some headway, but they're taking casualties. We're still pinned where Cortez dropped us."

Ashley sighed. "I told you this was a bad idea, Commander."

"We can't let Cerberus activate that bomb!" he retorted.

"And you're not fit for combat," she snapped.

He paused. There was a louder, closer burst of gunfire, and she assumed it was him firing at whatever resistance Cerberus was putting up. Another round of cursing like the sailor he was. "Goddammit, Ash, we don't have time to argue! Just disable their mortars and get back to the ship."

She clenched her jaw. Only when Trakes opened the shuttle door did she reply with, "Understood." After slinging her rifle off her back, she stood aside to allow Vega to take point. He sat on the lip of the doorway, legs dangling over the side, to watch their approach. "Cortez, hang back and be ready for an evac."

"Evac who?" he asked, turning slightly to fix her with a confused look.

"Shepard's stupid ass."

Understanding dawned in his eyes and he nodded. "Yes, ma'am," he repeated.

Ashley looked back outside, eyes travelling over the exposed second floor before hopping to the ground. It sent jolts of pain through her ribs; burns and bruises had never healed quite as quickly as a gunshot or broken bone. That inferno round she'd taken to the gut was still giving her shit, though she doubted it bothered her as much as Shepard's injuries bothered him. If he could get up and go, then so could she.

"Little quiet," Trakes commented after the shuttle was gone.

"Cerberus will be focused on keeping Shepard and the turians from getting to the bomb," Ashley replied. She wasn't looking at him, however, still focused on the overhead rotunda. If there was ever a way to ambush someone, it was from above. People rarely looked up. "We shouldn't face much resistance on the way to the mortars."

"Not until they find out we're here, anyway," Vega said.

Trakes shook his head as Ashley walked away, starting towards a doorway that should lead them to the other end of the facility. "We're headed away from the bomb. They're not going to send men after us unless they're forced to." She heard them follow as she returned her rifle to her back.

No lock on the door, no keypad nearby that she could see. So they were manhandling it.

"Trakes, give me a hand with this. You push, I'll pull."

If he hadn't closed his visor, she could imagine his obviously fake, obviously forced, shocked expression. "You mean you're not able to do this without my help? I'm touched."

"In the head, maybe," she agreed. He snorted a laugh as he braced his palms against a lip. Ashley jammed her fingers between the door itself and the frame, and once she was sure she had a good grip, she said, "On three." Trakes nodded. "One."

"Two."

"Three."

Yanking the door open wasn't as hard as she expected, but Trakes seemed to be having plenty of difficulty with pushing on it. It was one of the old, heavier things. Meant to withstand a bomb from warring factions back when the krogans were killing each other. It was almost ironic, Ashley decided. It withstood time only to risk being destroyed by a bomb planted by the Turian Hierarchy. She doubted it would be as strong as it was thousands of years ago.

Once it slid into its clamps, Trakes stepped back and she let go, flexing her fingers to get the blood flowing again.

"Fantastic," Trakes muttered, peering into the dark hallway.

"Who wants to go down the creepy tunnel first?" Vega asked.

Ashley wordlessly reached up and turned on the light on her helmet, reaching back for her rifle as she did. Flecks of dust and sand kicked into view immediately, quickly followed by scattered chunks of metal and stone.

"This place is falling apart," Trakes said.

"It's older than sin is what it is," Ashley said. "Come on. We're not far from the mortars."

"Thankfully."

She was the first into the hallway, volunteering herself to take point for the time being, and carefully made her way to the opposite end. Sand was already in her boots by the time she got there. Tuchanka's sand was coarse and itchy, and she was glad she was wearing socks. They didn't keep the sand from making her feet itchy, but they kept her feet from bleeding. She wasn't even sure how the sand got into her boots in the first place; hard suits were made to be used in space, and even a small crack in the ceramic would get you killed.

 _I hate this planet,_ Ashley decided.

Once they had the second door opened, Ashley turned off her light and crept forward, ducking behind a fallen pillar. Trakes and Vega followed suit, and the only sound from the courtyard was that of the door booming shut. It receded to soft echoes and she could hear the faint roar of gunfire in the distance. The bangs coming from nearby belonged to Cerberus' mortars, mounted to the roof of one of the few intact buildings.

"We're wasting—"

Ashley cut James off with a hand. She'd stopped for a reason. There was no way Cerberus missed the shuttle set them down, not at this close of a distance. Cortez had to pass directly between the mortars and Shepard's location, and it was only a matter of time before a squad showed up to investigate. She wanted to meet that squad on their own terms, not wandering blindly through an old krogan city, or...whatever it had been.

Faintly, almost so quiet that the rest of the sounds drowned them out, she heard voices. She pointed past Vega's head before moving, dashing really, across the ruins to a pile of debris. Trakes hopped the pillar and slid behind the base of a crumbling statue, bracing his rifle against one of the krogan's legs. James remained behind the pillar, now at the end closest to Ashley, counting on the other two to let him know when to open fire.

Reasonably satisfied with the positions they'd taken, Ashley rolled onto her stomach and crawled over the mess she was lying on. If she wasn't in a shadow, she'd have taken off her helmet to blend into the background better, but she was, and her helmet filtered out the sand in the hot air she was breathing. It still tasted like sand, but at least it wasn't getting into her lungs.

She wedged the barrel of her Lancer between two hunks of brick seconds before the first trooper appeared. They were talking about the shuttle, exactly as she expected.

"...other side of the—"

Trakes' shot silenced the man abruptly, and then hell broke loose.

Ashley gunned down the man closest to her, barely a yard away, before Vega opened fire. Since he was the only one they could see, most of the Cerberus troopers turned their weapons on him, but that gave her and Trakes the opportunity to thin out the herd. By the time they realized what was happening, it was too late, and they were lying on the ground in puddles of purplish blood.

She was the first to leave her hiding place, though James did stand and peek over at the bodies. Ashley hopped her debris pile and landed solidly on the ground, skirting the rapidly growing pools of blood to make sure they were all dead.

"Still not gonna get used to that," Vega said quietly.

Ash glanced back at him, and then back down to the blood. Months ago, probably a year, that was her. Purple blood and soul sold to Cerberus, hearing Reapers trying to indoctrinate her. Now she was here, in the middle of that war, and entirely sane. She hadn't heard the voices in weeks.

That was either a good sign, or a sign that she was indoctrinated. Ashley hoped, prayed, that it was the former. She didn't think she was strong enough to throw the Reapers off, not even for a few seconds like Matriarch Benezia had, like Saren, from what Shepard told her. She didn't even think she'd be able to shoot herself if she was. Life had taken so much out of her; she was just proud of herself for still going.

 _That takes strength,_ she reminded herself. That stupid Alliance therapist had told her that plenty of times. It was just hard to convince herself that he had been right. It was still hard to convince herself that what happened to her actually mattered, that while Jack had suffered, so had she.

She remembered arguing with Jack about it once, after Jack had instigated a reaction from her. She remembered forcing herself to argue, to say things she hadn't meant, to admit that what Cerberus did actually affected her. Ashley had been good at pretending she was okay when she wasn't.

"You all right?" Trakes asked.

"Yep, I'm fine," she responded. The easiest lie to tell. "Just thinking."

"Feelin' bad for these sorry bastards?" Vega assumed.

Ashley swallowed, but nodded. "Unfortunately."

"Hard to not feel sorry for them," Trakes said.

She leaned over and took one of their helmets, reaching inside to pull out the comm link. It was passed back to Trakes before she discarded the helmet. "If someone asks, tell them we're dead."

"Great plan," he said sarcastically.

Ashley rolled her eyes, but didn't comment. "Let's go. We've kept Shepard waiting long enough."

Following the Cerberus team's footprints was easy. Unnecessary, but easy. Their navpoint pointed them in the right direction, and the footprints gave them a trail to follow through the ruins. Eventually they hit a powered door, and, fortunately for them, the keypad was nearby. Trakes stabbed it with his combat knife, unlocking it, and they were in.

Ashley turned her radio back on. "Commander?"

"Finally!" he exclaimed. "We've been waiting! How long until the mortars are down?"

"Five minutes, ten tops."

"Make it happen."

"We're on it."

Instead of leading them through the main floor, she took them along the edge of the building. EDI had mentioned an access ladder on the south wall; it would get them where they needed to go without having to waste ammo on the Cerberus troopers inside.

Pressed into a line, the three of them jogged along the side of the building. Ashley kept glancing up, checking to make sure they weren't missing anything, that the ladder actually reached the ground. Luckily enough, it was when they finally found it. It took several passes and throwing aside some rubble, but they found it.

Just as Ashley started up, the entire building shook as the mortars discharged another shot. Her grip tightened on the rung and she felt her heart leap through her throat. Climbing up there was going to go squarely at the top of her shit list. She _hated_ heights and she had to climb a ladder that shook so badly she feared it would crumble to dust under her fingers.

Gritting her teeth, Ashley began climbing again, all the while forcing herself to focus on the wall in front of her. Another shake and rattling boom as the mortars fired, and she didn't let herself stop. It happened twice before she finally hit the roof. She could've cried from the relief, but there were Cerberus troops to kill and mortars to disable. She didn't have the time to be relieved.

The mortars were controlled from a terminal somewhere in the building, so whatever resistance they met here would be little. She just had to clear the roof first.

The first guard she ran into had his back to her. Snapping his neck was effortless. Not being spotted by the pair further down the roof, however...not so effortless. One of them shouted and the other shot at her, and Ashley was forced to roll behind one of the mortars as it finished reloading. She heard metal grind, a hiss quickly followed by a shriek, and then a whistle as the line of mortars fired as one. Five total. It made her ears scream.

"Better tell Chakwas I swallowed that whole damn bottle of aspirin," she grumbled.

Ashley locked a hand around her Lancer and swung it off her back. A couple deep breaths, and she whipped around the corner. She only had to pull the trigger twice, four shots each, to drop the pair of Cerberus troopers. From there, all she did was check between each mortar that no one was hiding from them, and then she called Trakes and Vega up.

While she waited, she jogged to the other end of the building and switched out her Lancer for her Mantis. First order of business was to check on the turians; they were the closest at this point. Finding them wasn't difficult, but getting a target to give them a hand was. Most of the troopers they were engaged with were hidden by structures or friendlies. Ashley might not trust turians, but shooting them in the back for no reason was something Cerberus would do. She wasn't with them anymore, and reminding herself of that was harder than it should've been.

There was a flash of white and she didn't hesitate. She pulled the trigger and watched, breathing as even as she could manage it. Less than two seconds later, she saw blood splatter on the wall behind the pillar, and she exhaled.

She heard the hiss-shriek of the mortars preparing to fire and she lowered herself to the rooftop, crawling her way as close to the edge as she dared. The mortars screamed and launched more rounds, and as she watched through her scope, she caught sight of a turian get his leg blown off.

She swallowed uncomfortably. _We need those things offline now._

Rather than allow the gruesome sight to turn her away, Ashley focused on the wounded turian. One of his allies was making his way towards his wailing friend, and she figured she could cover them. The advancing turian was spotted as he stepped from cover, but as the Cerberus trooper prepared to make him pay for that mistake, Ashley placed a bullet between his eyes.

More hissing and shrieking. She used that time to reload her rifle instead of searching for a new target. It took the mortars about ten seconds to reload and fire each time, and it was plenty for her to shove a new clip into her gun, but she didn't want to drain it entirely. Ash had a habit of reloading a little early. It was safer, if wasteful, but she would rather waste a couple extra thermal clips than end up dead at the end of the day.

She heard James run past for the door. He must've passed the explosives off to Trakes already if he was going to clear their bases. He took up a position near her, had a perfect view of what she hoped was now the only way onto the roof. That small entry would be the only way for Cerberus to get to them. They weren't going to waste shuttles on dropping dead men onto a roof when they had men to evacuate. That, Ashley was sure of.

It wasn't much longer before the 79th Platoon moved out of her sight, so she reached up to her ear again.

"How much longer, Trakes?"

"I have one more to plant," he said. "I'll blow them once we're clear."

She didn't respond to him. Instead, she switched channels to Shepard's, and waited for his answer. "You in?"

"Thirty seconds," she answered.

"Halle-fucking-lujah," Shepard breathed. He sounded raspy, like the exertion from the day was taking a larger toll on him than usual, and she had to stop herself from asking if he was okay. Combat zones were not the place to get frantic and worry about his health. Combat zones were the place to scream and yell at him to keep moving.

And she found the words leaving her mouth anyway. "Are you all right?"

"Winded," he admitted. "And my ribs are killing me. Thanks for that, by the way."

"Sorry."

"You don't sound sorry."

"You can't see me. I'm actually sobbing for you."

He chuckled. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Ashley huffed and retorted with, "Aren't you?"

He cut the connection and she pushed herself to her feet, returning her sniper rifle to her back before joining Vega. He was hunkered down behind a control panel, most likely for the elevator behind the door. She crouched beside him, taking her assault rifle, preparing herself for the shitstorm they were about to get.

"Gettin' a little close to the boss, eh?" James teased.

Ashley glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, but didn't acknowledge him with any noticeable movement. _You have no idea._ "He's like family."

"I feel you there," James agreed. "Hard to not feel like family with your squad."

Trakes' voice crackled over the comm. "You guys ready for some fireworks?"

"Blow it," Ashley ordered. She swallowed again, flexed her hands around her Lancer, and braced herself.

"Copy."

She took a deep breath and squeezed her eyes shut.

 _I'm going to be deaf when this war ends._


	84. Chapter 84

Smoke was coming from the barrel of her Lancer as she advanced on the centurion crouched behind a collapsed pillar. After their frantic race to catch up with Shepard, Cerberus troops had been pouring into the ruin in waves. Ashley didn't think she'd ever fought so many people at once.

And now it was only getting worse. Shepard's team had reached the bomb site after Lieutenant Victus and the 79th Platoon, and were currently surrounded while Ashley, Trakes, and James worked their asses off to make it to the Commander's side. They couldn't do much more than provide covering fire, but dammit, if that's what they had to do, then that's what they were going to do.

That didn't mean Ashley was going to settle for it, though. If she had to break her weapon to get down there, she was more than willing to oblige.

 _Five seconds._

She kept her head down, moved as quickly as she dared towards the Cerberus officer.

 _Four._

She heard something crunch. Sand under a boot, not hers. To her right, behind a sandstone brick, another centurion. He was lining up his shot. Ahead of her, the other was preparing to stand, and there was no way in hell she could shoot both before her gun burst into flames.

The only solution she came up with was to throw that piece of smoking metal at the one's head. He ducked, but it gave her the chance to pull her handgun off her hip. The centurion that was now on her left stood the same instant and shot at her, but she still had plenty of distance between them and her shields absorbed the damage. That meant his shields did the same when she returned fire, but she was smart enough to aim for his head. Two shots from her Carnifex took his shields out, and the third finished him off before he could rip through hers.

Any desire to celebrate was dampened by the sound of a shuttle whipping overhead. She barely caught sight of the white paint as it dropped its load over the rise. Atlas mech.

"Come on!" Trakes.

James sprinted past after him, barely pausing to spin and shoot a downed trooper. With one final glance back the way they came, Ashley ran to catch up. They were so close. So goddamn close, but she could hear Shepard's shouting as Victus warned them it was too late.

"Keep going!" he retorted. "We're not losing this alliance!"

Ashley pulled up short as they crested the rise.

"Holy hell," James breathed. "That's one huge bomb."

 _Bigger than the last one I saw._

There was a bang, quickly followed by a section of wall caving over. It forced Liara to get out of cover, and the mech's answer was to open fire. The asari threw up a barrier between her and the bullets, but it didn't take a genius to know she wasn't going to be able to keep that up forever.

"We need to get down there!"

"And how do you plan on doing that?" James demanded.

"Don't tempt her to—"

Ashley didn't wait for Trakes to finish. Her gun was holstered and she was jumping twenty feet to the ground before her fear of heights could convince her not to. As soon as she hit the sand, she let her legs give out and rolled to her feet.

 _Oh, I'm definitely swallowing that entire pill bottle when we get back._

* * *

By the time she set foot on the _Normandy_ , Ashley's ears were ringing and her head was pounding harder than a hammer on a nail. She was covered in sand, could taste the gritty shit in her teeth, and felt it in her hair. Dried blood was caked on her hard suit, though it was hard to tell who it belonged to. She'd gotten into plenty of fistfights down on Tuchanka's surface, and she'd been close enough to one of James' grenades when it went off that not only did she get covered in blood and guts from a Cerberus trooper, but took a piece of shrapnel to her leg. Standing on it still felt funny.

Come to think of it, Ashley just felt funny altogether. And not in the good way.

She was particular about the way she stripped from her hard suit. Slow. Taking it easy, enjoying the feel of getting out of it. It took weight off her shoulders, literally and figuratively, made it a bit easier to forget about her plan to escape the ship. She didn't want to think about how she was going to pull that off even though she knew the longer she avoided it, the more likely it was that Harper would be gone.

 _He's probably already gone,_ Ashley grumbled. _But I can't let it go._

She sighed and dropped her head onto the lip of her locker. The sounds of the rest of Shepard's team unwinding was welcome. Garrus, Liara, Trakes, James, Shepard himself. Despite their losses today, they were relaxing. They'd kicked Cerberus' ass–again–but it cost the turians their leader, Lieutenant Victus, son of the Primarch. Ashley doubted Shepard was eager to tell the Primarch about his son. He was always too...soft for his own good.

But he was immensely better than Cerberus. And he was too good of a man to work for the Alliance, let alone the Council. He was the first CO she'd ever had that made her actually _want_ to straighten her ass out. Ashley had to work twice as hard as anyone in the Alliance to earn any respect, so it wasn't anything new when she was assigned to the SR-1, but that determination to impress him had been. She'd never been so focused on not fucking up in her entire life.

Shepard was the one reason she hadn't turned the ship around to go straight to the Citadel. He would understand why she did (once he found out, if he ever did) but he would be disappointed. Disappointed that her stupid desire for revenge drove her away from the real fight, from the Reapers.

Ashley wasn't even going to pretend that finding Kaidan was more important to her. When she got upset, she hardly ever stopped to consider someone else. It was selfish and petty, and more than a little stupid, but it was what she did. If she got her hands on the Illusive Man, she wouldn't stop long enough to ask where Kaidan was. She was supposed to be better than that.

If their positions were reversed, she didn't doubt Shepard would do the opposite. He'd find Kaidan. He'd send Jack Harper to the Alliance and he'd move on. He was an immeasurably better person than she was, and it made her sick to realize just how absorbed in getting some payback she was.

 _And this is why I had a therapist._

She slammed her locker shut and stormed for the elevator without so much as a backwards glance.

The door opened for a certain Prothean almost as soon as she stepped towards the keypad, and he walked straight into her. Where her skin touched him, burned. It made her head spin and her stomach churn, and neither of them could jump back fast enough. Ashley felt slower than usual when she did and she narrowed her eyes on Javik, even as his own irises contracted before rapidly focusing on hers.

"I almost pity you."

Ashley bristled and shoved him away with her elbow, expertly avoiding any skin contact. "I don't need your pity," she snapped.

"Reapers don't need pity. Why the Commander _insists_ on keeping you aboard the ship is disgusting. In my cycle, you'd have both been executed for treason."

Her back stiffened and she caught herself before pressing the key to recall the elevator. "Why he insists on keeping you is just as baffling."

"I do not threaten the ship or its inhabitants."

Just as she was about to whip around and lay into him, there was a hand on her shoulder and a person between them. Shepard.

Shepard wasn't looking at her, but at Javik. "I've already told you to direct your concerns to me," he said flatly, "and that you're both supposed to avoid the other."

 _Direct your concerns,_ she mimicked. It nearly made her scoff.

"Of course, Commander," Javik rumbled. He nodded once, barely an inclination of his head, before going off to join James and Trakes. Shepard's hand didn't leave her shoulder until the Prothean was out of sight, and then he was wheeling her around and into the elevator.

The doors closed, and Ashley didn't restrain herself. "What the actual fuck are you doing keeping him on the _Normandy_?" Shepard merely glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. He looked tired. It made her regret the abruptness of the question, how demanding it sounded, and she sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he replied.

Ashley crossed her arms and leaned against the wall, watching as he hit the button to take them up to the crew deck. His knuckles were scrapped, rubbed against his hard suit one too many times back on Tuchanka. She felt bad, seeing him wounded and such a mess that he needed a trip to the med bay after a mission even when he hadn't been injured.

"How?"

He paused, arched a brow at her. "How what?"

"How does Javik know? You didn't tell him, did you?" Ashley knew he didn't. Javik knew the instant he laid eyes on her back on Eden Prime. It was like he could _sense_ it. But she asked anyway, because humans had an innate ability to find something to be a lie when they knew otherwise.

"It's a Prothean thing," Shepard said. "When I touched him after he woke up, I could see the last few minutes of the Reapers' invasion of his cycle. In turn, he could see what I've been through, learn our language. Things like that. It's a sensory thing, I think. That's how he explained it."

She snorted. "Well that's just great. He touched me earlier. You think he saw anything?"

"Did you?" he asked.

"No." It didn't make her feel better. Not for a second did she believe he didn't.

Shepard inhaled obnoxiously and joined her against the wall while they waited. The silence was comfortable; it always was, or rather, it had been lately. Ash used to enjoy the quiet because it would help with her headaches, but then she'd started hearing voices, and she _needed_ noise like she needed air. Now the silence felt–and sounded–exactly as it should. Quiet. The only thing she could hear was their breathing, and it was just as comforting as utter silence.

"I've been meaning to ask you something," Shepard said abruptly. Before she could ask what, he straightened and reached over to lock down the elevator. Both of her eyebrows shot up as he fished in his shirt pocket to produce the little rock she'd given him days ago. "You promised to explain what this was and we, uh, haven't had the time the last couple days, so..."

Ashley looked from the stone in his hand, back to him, to the stone, and back to him before laughing. "That's something you lock the elevator for?"

He shrugged, albeit a bit sheepishly. "If either of us get off this elevator, we're not going to see each other again until I'm ordering you to suit up. We're going to try and cure the genophage in a few hours, and we can both be damn sure that the Reapers aren't going to give up the Shroud easily. I just... I dunno. I want to know in case something happens. To either of us."

Rather than allowing herself to be surprised at the fact that he was going to trust her in combat around the Reapers, she sighed and shifted her gaze back to the elevator doors. "It's a Hag Stone. If you're superstitious enough to believe it, they help keep nightmares away."

He frowned. "Why?"

"It's the little hole in the center. Humans used to believe that naturally occurring holes in stones would prevent someone from having nightmares."

"And you just...gave this to me? Wouldn't it be more useful to you?"

Ashley snorted. "If it actually worked, maybe, but it's just a superstition. Besides, who knows? It might work for you."

Shepard's frown deepened. "Who said I'm having nightmares?"

"I know you are." He started to protest, but she cut him off. "You don't have flashbacks without nightmares, Shepard."

His jaw snapped shut immediately and he looked away, ashamed. When he spoke, his voice was quiet, almost broken, and it made her feel guilty. She regretted bringing it up. The stress was obviously getting to him, but he wanted to pretend it wasn't, and who was she to make him suffer through the realization?

"I'm sorry," she repeated.

He huffed, more of half a sigh really, and said, "You shouldn't be. You're right."

Neither of them were looking at each other when he hit the key to unlock the elevator. The rest of the ride was quiet, Shepard looking anywhere but her and Ashley staring straight ahead. Ashley had never felt so awkward in her entire life.

It was a relief when the elevator finally slowed to a stop and allowed them to go their separate ways. She was the first to step off it, headed for the observation deck, when Shepard stopped her by catching her arm.

He smiled weakly. "Thank you. For thinking of me."

And before she could catch herself, she was saying, "I always do."

His eyebrows shot up and his half-smile grew into a grin. "Is that so?"

With a huff and roll of her eyes, she smacked his hand away as he chuckled to himself. "You know what I meant."

Shepard just laughed, nodded once, as she turned back for her hidey hole. It took her a minute to realize he followed her inside, hopping the back of a couch while she went for her backpack. She rummaged around inside until she found her bottle of aspirin and a water bottle.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

"Headaches," she said flatly, brows furrowing.

He nodded again. Once she'd taken two of the tiny white pills, Ashley threw the bottle on top of the bag with the water, and then joined him on the bench. She sat close enough that their legs brushed together, but far enough that she could jump away if someone walked in. They'd been careful about their relationship since boarding; she wasn't about to fuck that up if she could help it.

Shepard, however, seemed to be on a totally different wavelength, and threw an arm over her shoulders. He pulled her closer, so close that she could rest her head on his chest while he maneuvered them down onto the seat. Ashley frowned the entire time, but let him do what he wanted, waiting until he was lying on his back with her pressed into his side to question it.

"Shepard—"

"Don't argue with me, Ash." He stuck one of his arms under his head and settled into it, sighing. "Just let me enjoy it. We don't get moments like this often enough."

"But—"

"But nothing," he said flatly. "I realized today how short life is and how easily it can be taken away. If someone sees us, oh well. I don't give a damn. I just want you here."

She swallowed, but accepted his argument and put her head down. His free arm came up around her and she closed her eyes, breathing deeply. Within seconds, she'd forgotten that she had tried to argue her way out of this, and was allowing the steady beat of his heart to lull her to sleep. After the beatings he'd taken the last couple of days, the most recent at her own hands, it was nice to confirm that he really was okay. She could feel bandages over his ribs, but wounds would heal, and after watching him launch himself around without too much trouble, she was accepting that. He would be fine. Physically, anyway. His mental health was a different story altogether, and a different concern for a different time.

He was right. For once, they just needed to enjoy the other's company.

Ashley didn't know how long it took for him to fall asleep, but she could hear it in the way his breathing slowed. His entire body relaxed, and when she looked, his face matched the rest. He looked younger when he was asleep, happier, like the fate of the galaxy wasn't resting on his shoulders. It just made her realize how tense he always was, even when he claimed to relax around her. He actually looked peaceful.

 _How could I want to leave?_

It was selfish of her to lay back down. The Primarch deserved to hear about his son directly, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Shepard needed the downtime. She needed it. She'd forgotten why she stayed, but the longer she remained, the better she felt.

He was the only reason she hadn't dropped everything to chase the Illusive Man. He was her reason for fighting so hard to be herself, and he was her reason to become a better person. He was everything to her, and that was why she was so scared. Shepard had been the person to bring her back from the brink time and time again. She loved him, and if she lost him, she wasn't sure she could handle it.

 _How wonderfully independent I am._

Just another part of her Cerberus had crushed. Just another reason to want to leave and beat the life out of Harper like he did to her.

Instead, she settled into his side and wrapped an arm around him as gently as she could. Sleep overcame her quickly, and for once, she was fine with being selfish.


	85. Chapter 85

He wasn't a stranger to lunatics with plans as equally crazy as themselves, but not wanting to cure the genophage?

"We don't have any hope of defeating the Reapers without the krogan," Shepard said.

"Don't you?" The salarian daltrass fixed Shepard with the most neutral, and yet oddly accusing, look he'd ever seen on a person. "We neutralized the krogan, Commander. We won their rebellion, not the krogan. With our scientists, you could—"

"You don't get it," he snapped. "This isn't something you can outsmart. You can't kill synthetics with a disease. You can't bomb them all back to oblivion unless you want to destroy your homes. We need ground forces, and like it or not, so do you. I can't put your STG agents on the front lines and expect any real damage being dealt, can I? But I can put krogan there, and they'll get results. Hell, my own species would give more results in a fight against Reaper ground forces than yours!" The daltrass' eyes narrowed to slits and Shepard took a breath, squaring his shoulders. "Stick to what you're good at, ma'am, and give the krogan a chance."

"Is that your final word on the subject?"

"Yes," he said flatly.

"Very well, Commander. We'll see how well you do without the salarians."

"And we'll see how well the Union does when the Reapers come for you," he retorted.

Without another word, he terminated the connection. For several moments, he simply glared at the QEC with enough force to send most people packing, but then sighed, and let the tension go. It would do him no good to fuck up a potential alliance. Granted, the salarians didn't seem to want it if he cured the genophage, but he was right. Alone, the salarians were about as useful as a single husk. But slap one of their agents with a good unit, and they could do just about anything.

He just hoped they'd realize it before the Reapers finished them off. He'd already cost the galaxy the batarians. If he lost another species, he'd never forgive himself.

Shepard braced his hands on the railing in front of him, and then ran a hand over his hair. He swallowed past a lump in his throat before saying, "EDI, have Ashley and Liara meet me in the shuttle bay. And inform the krogan and turians that the assault on the Shroud begins in an hour."

"Of course, Commander."

Stepping out of the QEC felt final. He told the salarians that they weren't as useful as the krogan, when in fact, they were just as useful. Not useful enough to betray Wrex and Eve, but still useful. Anyone willing to fight Reapers were useful. Shepard couldn't afford to be picky, but if it was a choice between the two species, he needed the krogan more.

He stopped to be scanned on his way out to the CIC, nodding politely to both Campbell and Westmoreland. Nothing irritated him more than this scanning, but he didn't blame either of them for it. It was their job.

When they were finally satisfied with him, Shepard headed straight for the bridge. The CIC was more active than usual with technicians running back and forth between stations, frantically trying to prepare the _Normandy_ for combat. From what he gathered, EDI seemed to be assisting as needed, but as a whole, letting the Alliance personnel do their jobs. This ship could be flown without any of them, but EDI was content to only interrupt when necessary.

It surprised him, to say the least, but he pushed it aside for a later date. They were dropping into a Reaper-infested hot zone with barely enough manpower to fight a half a destroyer. Everyone, himself included, needed to be focused on the mission first. People were going to die, and if Shepard had anything to say about it, it wouldn't be anyone on the _Normandy_.

The door to the bridge opened to reveal a heated debate between the ship's pilot and EDI. "Joker?"

Whatever he had been rambling about was cut off with his, "What's up?"

"The ship's yours while—"

"Ooh, taking the girlfriend out for a stroll with the Reapers, Commander?" Shepard resisted the urge to sigh; not only did it irritate him to know Joker spied on them, but what was only going to be a friendly concern irritated him as well. "That's a great plan. Lemme know how that bullet to the back works out."

"If EDI sees a chance for you to shoot the Reaper down, you take it," he said, ignoring the remark entirely. "Is that clear?"

"Crystal," Joker said sarcastically.

"No matter what," he continued, emphasizing each word.

Joker didn't answer immediately, but Shepard saw him nod. "No matter what," Joker promised.

"Good."

He was already halfway back out the door when Joker called out. "Hey, Commander? Be careful down there. And kick some Reaper ass."

* * *

The air tasted musty and stale. He had to fight to refrain from coughing, but Liara was losing that battle. He hoped it had nothing, or at least very little, to do with the piece of shrapnel embedded in her side.

With the krogan convoy delayed, the turians' fighters had gone up against the Reaper solo, and it hadn't taken long for that to backfire. One of the ships had been shot down almost immediately and it had crashed straight into the convoy. The resulting explosion had forced Shepard into ordering Wrex to flee, taking Mordin, Eve, and their only means of transportation with them. That had left them with two options—backtrack and look for a way to the Shroud on foot, or follow the building down to ground level.

Liara groaned and he felt her begin to collapse, but before he could do it himself, Ashley had already caught her. And while he might've actually struggled to carry the asari so far, she had Liara down the stairs and resting against what looked to be a pillar in a matter of seconds.

Rather than allowing himself to worry, however, Shepard followed her down the staircase and pulled his rifle off his back. He reached up to turn on his flashlight; the light from the hole in the wall wouldn't last them forever. He could hardly see past Ashley's head, but that was only because she had her face buried in that backpack of hers.

"Good thing I brought this for once," she grumbled as she rooted around inside of it.

"Yeah. You did something right. That's a first," Shepard quipped.

Ashley scoffed, and as soon as he turned his back to study a mural on the wall, he felt something bounce off his shoulder. His head snapped around instantly, but she was already back at digging out her medigel. Shepard rolled his eyes before turning back to the wall, brushing his fingertips over the age-old paint. He wasn't sure what was painted on the wall, but he suspected it was a thresher maw. It looked almost like every one he'd seen in the past.

Behind him, he heard Liara groan and he turned. Ashley was pulling the asari to her feet even as she clutched at her side.

"How is she?"

"She'll live."

"I'll be fine," Liara promised.

He glanced between the two. Liara was forcing what was obviously a pained smile, and Ashley was as expressive as ever with that helmet on, but he trusted their judgement. Satisfied, he nodded.

"Let's see where this goes, then," he said.

"Right behind you," Liara replied.

With that settled, he led them deeper into the ruin. It was slow going, having to navigate it in the dark, but it was, thankfully, pretty straightforward. Only once did they get turned around, and when they did, they were caught in the middle of what felt like the beginnings of an earthquake.

Shepard didn't miss a beat. His comm was on and he said, "Wrex?"

"Shepard."

"Are you guys feeling these tremors?"

"Nothing up here but roadkill," the krogan chief answered. A laugh rumbled out of his chest and he roared something that didn't translate in his excitement.

"It is said Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws, lives in this region," Eve said.

There was a collective groan from his two teammates at the krogan's response. Shepard paused to sigh, and then said, "Now that you've gone and said it, it's going to be a problem."

"Get moving, Shepard!" Wrex exclaimed.

"We're on it. See you topside."

Once the connection was terminated, Ashley said, "He's as charming as ever."

Shepard didn't look back as he replied, "You're walking yourself into my jokes, Ash."

Liara's soft laugh was a welcome sound, even if it was pained. A much more pleasant change to the dark and stale atmosphere they were surrounded by, at the very least. It stuck most of the way through the maze of rooms they climbed through, but more tremors quickly cleared up the staleness. Up ahead, Shepard swore he heard stone crumble as a wall caved in. He simply sighed and prayed it didn't leave them trapped down there.

Eventually, they found their way into the tunnel he'd heard it from. Dust mites and smaller pieces of debris still floated through the air, and further down, he could see the section that gave. Some of the wall and ceiling had collapsed, but if they stuck to the opposite side, they should be safe.

"The air is clearer here," Liara commented.

"We must be getting closer to the surface," Shepard said. "Come on."

"Never thought I'd be looking forward to seeing Tuchanka's surface."

Another tremor came as they passed the cave-in and Shepard froze, tensing his muscles in preparation to run for it.

"I got enough of thresher maws when I got covered in their spit the _first_ time."

"I'm putting that on my list of things I'm glad never happened to me."

"Who knows, T'Soni? Keep walking in front of my bullets, and their acid might get to eat right through your shields."

"Please, Ashley, if I were walking in front of your bullets, explain your injuries after each mission. I'm using you as a meatshield."

There was a pause, and Shepard almost laughed. "Now that's just mean."

"In all fairness, she's just..." Ashley trailed off as they rounded a corner to find themselves face-to-face with a rachni corpse. It was half buried in rubble, dead, with its disgusting liquids now coating his boots. "Well, that's just great," she said in her usual sarcastic tone.

"Where there's one, there's always more," Liara said.

Shepard nodded. "Keep your eyes open." He jerked his head down the tunnel at Ashley, saying, "Put those meatshield skills of yours to the test. Take point." For a half a second, she just stared at him, and he imagined the look he was getting. "Please."

"Much better." She marched past as she pulled her Lancer off her back. He followed a few seconds later with Liara at his side, still prodding her ribs...or whatever asari had where a human's ribs would be. He didn't miss the pained expression that overtook her usually stoic face, and made a mental note to send her to the med bay when they got back to the _Normandy._

That was assuming they made it that far, but Shepard believed they would. Neither Liara or Ashley were ever too optimistic, so it tended to be his job as of late. Shepard was fine with that. He knew what both of the women were capable of, Liara more so than Ashley as of late, but he was satisfied with what he did know. They hadn't let him down yet, and they'd both accompanied him on most of their missions so far. When one of them needed a break, Garrus gladly filled the open spot.

"Sunlight!" Ashley exclaimed.

Shepard peered up the staircase past her shoulder, skeptical. "I'm not sure where you're seeing sunlight, but—"

"It's there," she swore.

He glanced at Liara, but she only shrugged and said, "Being aboveground anywhere is better than being trapped in here." Sighing, he nodded and jogged up the steps after Ashley. Liara followed as well, but at a much slower pace. It was easy to forget Liara wasn't a soldier; most days, she kept up with Shepard and his team without a problem. But when he or Ashley would push through their injuries, Liara couldn't. She just didn't have the training for it.

Rather than follow Ashley out into the courtyard past the small cavern of sorts, Shepard stopped to wait for Liara. Her hand was clutching at her side, and while the medigel would've numbed whatever it touched, there were still places it couldn't reach.

"Are you sure you're all right?" he asked.

Liara swallowed, but nodded. "You can't call for the shuttle with that Reaper nearby, anyway."

"Fair enough," he said. He glanced back towards the courtyard, and then back to Liara. "Stay behind us, okay?"

She nodded again as she stepped into the foyer. Whatever pain she was in was almost immediately forgotten, too fascinated by the giant canyon running between them and the other side of the building. It shot outside to be encompassed in what looked like plant life.

As Shepard turned his flashlight off, Liara said, "What I wouldn't give to study these ruins."

The familiarity, her excited stride as they followed Ashley outside, made him smile sadly. "You'll get to. I'll make sure of it." Liara didn't seem to hear him, but he swore he'd remember that promise. Shepard could handle failing a mission, but this war wasn't one he was going to give up on.

And as soon as he stepped into the courtyard, he was given another reason not to.

So much green. He'd never seen anything on Tuchanka that wasn't brown or dead. Plants covered the walls and walkways, swallowing the architecture, somehow managing to survive despite the harsh conditions.

He reached up to turn on his radio. "Wrex, I need to know where we are."

"The city of the ancients," Eve answered. "You're looking at the last ray of hope on this planet."

"Not the last. Not if we cure the genophage."

"I hope you're right, Commander."

 _Yeah, me too._

He swallowed, but settled for switching topics. They weren't going to pull off a cure standing around talking about it. "You have our location?"

"Yes," Mordin interjected. "On our way."

"Meet us—"

In the span of two seconds, Shepard's feeling of relative safety had turned to one of anxiety. Something was wrong, and he wasn't the only one to notice. Liara had drawn her pistol and Ashley was inching her way back towards the them. He cut Wrex off immediately, barely taking time to note that their navpoint had been updated, as his eyes traveled over the surrounding walls and terraces.

The air was...tightening, becoming heavier and thicker, and stank of rotting flesh.

"Something is very, very wrong," he said.

"Quiet," Ashley snapped. "Let me listen."

His mouth shut and he glanced at Liara again, but she was doing her level best to stay as silent as she could. He couldn't even hear his own breathing, let alone hers. The sound of the Reaper firing at the retreating turian pilots was the only thing to reach his ears, and it definitely didn't seem like it was going well.

"Scatter," she whispered. When neither of them moved, she said, "Get down!"

Shepard had barely moved a step to his left when a crack split the air. A small, controlled beam similar to that of a Reaper's cannon shot past his head, and he swore as he ducked.

"Sniper!"

Everything went to shit not long after the revelation.

Rachni troops crawled over the nearby bridge and onto the platform with several husks, marauders dropped off the terrace above. They were being shot at from every direction possible, and there was nowhere to hide.

Another shot from the sniper whipped past his face as he hid behind a pillar. It tore through the aged brick like it was nothing, throwing dust and pebbles into the air.

"Ash, take that bastard out!"

"Already on it, Commander."

"Liara, keep the husks off us while I deal with the rest of them," he ordered.

The words had barely left his mouth when a bullet connected with a husk that was coming for him. He didn't flinch, but he did curse himself for not catching the husk on his own. Before stepping from cover, he switched his assault rifle out for his shotgun and took a deep breath. Rounds from both the Reapers and rachni were hitting the pillar behind him, and good God, he'd never felt so many in his entire life.

It wasn't the first time he'd realized that he was scared, terrified even, but he wasn't going to let it get to him again. He wasn't going to risk his team's lives and have a flashback here. This was too important to fuck up. The genophage was getting cured today, his own health be damned.

Shepard stood, took a half a second to assess the situation, and made his choice. A marauder made the mistake of shooting at Liara, and it was surrounded by several others. If he charged into the thick of it, he could knock down half and have their buddies dead before they even realized what happened.

Marauders might have shields, but point-blank with a shotgun? He couldn't ask for a better opportunity.

Using his biotics in such a flashy display was sure to draw attention, however. He'd barely come to a stop from slamming his elbow into the marauder's throat when he saw the targeting radius of a ravager's gun start to focus on him. An on-the-spot change of plans managed to save his ass; instead of using his battery pack to launch the Reapers, he spun onto a knee and used a shockwave. Even though three of the once-turians crumpled in on themselves, it wasn't going to be as effective as nova.

With the potential flanking hazard briefly dealt with, he turned his shotgun on the marauder he was standing over. One pull of the trigger ended its life. He pumped the gun once, one-handed, as he turned on another marauder. It was aiming its mangled weapon at him, but Shepard was faster. Even as he levelled his shotgun at its chest, he saw a pair of husks charging at him from the side. He didn't blink as Liara gunned them down, instead shooting the marauder before moving on to the three that were scrambling to their feet.

Shepard dove behind a pile of stone as a ravager targeted him again. Pieces of rock ricocheted off his head and torso before he rolled to his feet. He threw another shockwave, directed at the rachni now, and pointed the barrel of his shotgun at a marauder. The ravagers staggered, but it was enough for him to finish the Reaper forces off.

He ducked down again to reload his shotgun. The smoking thermal clip fell from its chamber and he shoved a new one into place, and then returned the weapon to the small of his back. He reached back for his assault rifle instead; ravagers were far more dangerous than marauders. Smarter, harder to kill, and carrying vicious babies capable of killing a man. Shepard had run into them only once before, but it was enough to hate them.

There it was. Another hiss-crack from the sniper firing on them. Someone yelped, though whether it was from pain or surprise he couldn't tell. It was quickly followed by the nearly deafening bang of Ashley's rifle, once, twice.

He didn't stop to make sure she killed it. He was on his feet the instant he heard a third shot, concentrating his own fire on the ravager stumbling down the steps from the bridge. It had its guns turned on the others, and while Liara was now free to focus on it, shooting something was never her strong suit. As soon as one of her shots clipped an egg sac, she ducked, and Shepard shot for its face. Liara popped back out a moment later and hit the second ravager with warp. While it writhed, Shepard leapt forward and planted his foot in the first's head.

But before he could finish the final enemy, a bullet split through its gun, through its head, and back out the second weapon.

One eyebrow went up as he turned back to them. "I had it under control."

Ashley stood as Liara hesitantly joined him by the bodies. She shoved her helmet into her backpack before following suit, and she said, "You always do." Sarcasm.

He ignored the insult and gestured to her backpack. "You break your helmet again?"

"Naturally," she said, the corner of her mouth curling up into a smirk. "Better a broken helmet than no head, though, so I can't complain."

His response was lost as he started across the bridge. The ground started shaking again, and the next thing he knew, the three of them were running for their lives as the stone gave out beneath their feet.


	86. Chapter 86

"I know you're gonna give me shit for this, but I'd pay damn good money for Cerberus to make me heal like you do."

"Yeah, well, at the rate you've been injuring yourself, I think I can cut you some slack."

His eyebrows shot up, but she couldn't see. Ashley had her back to him as he locked a hand around Liara's belt to haul her up. Look-out. The Reaper wasn't firing at the turians anymore, but they had no way of knowing if that was because it wiped them all out, or if they'd fallen back. Communication was getting spotty, and the only reason they still had Wrex on radio was his proximity.

Liara groaned as Shepard pulled her out of the collapsed bridge. The last tremor had nearly claimed Liara's life, having demolished the ancient stone structure in a matter of seconds. Shepard was still amazed he'd even managed to get across before it gave out; Liara even more so.

"Injuring myself?" he finally retorted. "I seem to remember you being the one to nearly break my ribs."

Ashley visibly stiffened and said, "It was that, or let you kill someone."

"Ah, whatever," Shepard grumbled. He helped Liara to his feet before brushing errant pieces of debris off his hardsuit. "Let's just focus on getting back to the convoy." He ran a hand down his forearm, unconsciously rubbing at the slowly healing burn. It didn't hurt, but it itched, and that was just as annoying. "You good, Liara?"

"I'll be fine," she repeated. But it didn't sound like she was trying to reassure him. It sounded like she was trying to reassure herself.

Shepard gave her a concerned once-over as she rubbed at her side. Blue blood stained her hardsuit, and while he knew she wasn't bleeding out, he couldn't help wondering if there was more to that injury than he was aware of. He didn't doubt that Ashley did what she could, but short of ordering Liara to strip out of her armor, there was no way they could check that it was just surface damage.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yes," she promised, nodding.

He almost told her to stay put and allow them to continue on to clear the area, but he heard a familiar groaning from behind, and that idea flew out the window.

"We've got company!"

"Your observation skills are _astounding,_ " Shepard said as he pulled Liara after him. Husks were coming from what looked to be their only way forward. Not too many, but enough to be concerning. The Reapers were putting everything out to stop them.

Ashley's response to his insult was lost to the renewed gunfire. He had his assault rifle in hand and was on his feet, sighting one of the incoming husks, when he saw the monster they were coming out ahead of. A brute, lumbering along at an easy pace, saving its energy for a good charge. In a strange sense, they reminded Shepard of vanguards, minus the use of biotics. The brutes ran in, killed as many people as they could as quickly as their monstrous bodies would allow, but unlike a vanguard who had to be quick and light on their feet, who were supposed to retreat after each jump, the brutes just didn't stop. Shepard had his own streak of not retreating, but the brutes, they took it to an entirely new level.

He ducked back down with Liara and immediately swapped his assault rifle back out for his shotgun. It wasn't going to have enough rounds to take the brute down, but he could at least damage it as much as possible.

He'd barely gotten back up when he saw Ashley _kicking_ it over. Granted, it was a drop kick, but she was still hitting it on her own, without biotics. The brute collapsed with a thundering boom, not unlike the way they did when he charged into them. And without missing a beat, she marched up to its head to put a bullet through its sorry excuse for a brain.

It was all he could do to stare, slack-jawed, as she reloaded her rifle. Once she she had returned the weapon to her back, she glanced up at him. A smirk tugged at her lips as she said, "What, you fall asleep, Commander?"

"Did you really just...?"

Ashley nodded as she marched back over to them to pull Liara upright. "You still think I didn't pull my kick?"

His mouth snapped shut and Shepard shook his head. "I...I'm sorry I doubted you."

She laughed. "No, you're not. Come on, we've got places to be and better things to worry about."

Shepard glanced back the way they came as Ashley led Liara onwards, arm slung over her shoulders to help keep her on her feet. "If you're killing ten plus husks and a brute solo, why the hell are you holding back?"

"So you feel like you're helping. And besides, I don't always get that lucky."

"Sure," he said sarcastically.

"Shepard!"

Wrex's voice crackled over the comm. It was broken up enough that he only recognized his name from how many times the krogan had shouted it at him in the last half hour. He wasn't really counting, but Shepard was positive he couldn't count that number on his hands.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Eve thought of a way to draw the Reaper off the Shroud."

With one look, the party had stopped again. Shepard wasn't having this update cut off like the last one. While Ashley went to fuss over Liara's wound, he took a few steps away to deal with Wrex's, or Eve's, solution.

"And?"

"Crazy," Mordin chimed in. "Very dangerous. Very...krogan."

"The Commander has more important matters to worry about," Eve added.

Internally, he groaned. This was the second time they contacted him only to retract what they'd planned on telling him. And even if Eve was right, it was annoying. His eyes were drawn back to his friends, one frantically trying to ease whatever pain the other was in, and the second trying to stay as quiet and still as anyone could manage.

"Keep me updated," Shepard decided. Wrex's confirmation was plenty for him to terminate the connection. The fact that they'd come up with a solution, however insane, lessened the worry pressing at the forefront of his mind. Given their present situation, it wasn't something he could afford to think about to begin with. He had to focus on getting them out of here.

Sighing, he ran a hand down his face while turning back to the others. Liara was mumbling something, forcing herself to stay awake.

"Is she all right?" he asked.

Ash glanced up at him briefly, and then sighed, head shaking. "I don't know."

His throat tightened, but he forced himself to keep the panic out of his voice. "What do you mean you don't know?"

"I mean I'm not a goddamn doctor!" she snarled. "I can set broken bones, I can slap medigel on a gunshot wound, but I'm not a miracle worker, Shepard!"

He squeezed his eyes shut and inhaled deeply through his nose before saying, "What can you do for her, then?"

His eyes traveled to Liara as she continued rambling, though her words were so soft that even he couldn't hear them. He wasn't even sure there actually were words leaving her lips, but that her mouth was simply moving in a vain attempt to stay conscious.

The defeat in her voice was clear. "Nothing I haven't already done. If she was human, I might've been able to do more for her, but... I don't know. I'm sorry."

"Well," he started with a sigh, "then I guess it's just us for the time being." Ashley glanced at him incredulously as Shepard pulled his handgun off his hip. He flipped it so the barrel was in his hand, passed it off to her, and said, "You're going to need this."

"Right."

Shepard straightened and pulled his Avenger off his back while Ashley busied herself with lifting Liara off the ground. Once she had the asari slung over her shoulders, Shepard gave her a nod before leading the way. They were forced to cross the gap on a fallen pillar, and without being told, Ashley hung back to wait for him to get across first. Shepard took it slowly, not committing to a step until he was entirely sure his footing wasn't about to fall out from beneath him. It was uselessly wasting their time, but he didn't know how far down that crack went, and he wasn't about to test it out.

Ashley started after him the instant he set foot in the courtyard. And if he thought he'd been taking it slow, she was moving slower than a snail. She had Liara to carry on top of getting herself across, so he could understand, but they didn't have time for this nonsense. They needed to get back to the convoy. The longer they waited to cure the genophage, the more likely it was that the Reaper was going to stop them.

Shepard didn't know if Ashley shared his sentiment, but he was absolutely positive that he didn't want to go out in one of those red beams. He had no idea what came after this, this mad race of theirs to cure the genophage, but he wanted to see it. He _had_ to. He needed to see this war through. It had been his from the beginning and it was going to be his to the bitter end.

After several agonizingly long minutes of watching Ashley teeter along, she hopped to the ground beside him and fixed him with a quizzical look. "You're staring."

"I was worried," he said flatly. "I still am."

"We'll get her out," Ashley said confidently. "Liara's strong. She'll make it."

"It's not her I'm worried about."

Both of her eyebrows shot up in surprise, but before she could demand an explanation, a shot rang out. They both flinched and ducked for cover. Shepard barely kept himself beneath his chunk of stone, hunting for the source as soon as he hit the ground. Finding it wasn't hard; a pair of ravagers were guarding a sort of gate, preventing the three of them from leaving and effectively keeping them pinned for a rush of husks.

He dropped back under the rock and crept forward a few inches, putting himself at the edge of the stone, and popped out at an angle. It didn't take much longer for him to spot a screeching husk and put a bullet between its eyes. He took down a second before switching tactics and standing, shooting over the rock instead. Another went down, though whether it was his doing or Ashley's, he wasn't sure.

"Take the three on the right!" he shouted.

"On it!"

A ravager shot for his head. Shepard ducked at the last possible second, and while he was relieved to still be alive, the cracking sound coming from behind wasn't reassuring. He barely got the time to glance back and see what it was, and then he was rolling from cover to dodge a crumbling statue. He hit a husk's knees as he tried to stand, but before he could wrestle his shotgun to its head, the second ravager fired. The husk was ripped in half and he was thrown back into the wall.

Nothing hurt, not like it would after being shot, but his ears were ringing. Aches and pains from wounds he already had. But he could smell something burning; smoke clouded his lungs. He prodded his chest, found a hole from the shot. It didn't completely penetrate his hardsuit, but it damaged it.

A breath of relief escaped him as he sought out his shotgun. He could see his assault rifle lying several yards away, back by the fallen statue, but with Ashley finishing up with the husks, he was going to close with the rachni. Taking on a ravager at range was suicide. And as Ashley had so kindly pointed out earlier, he had enough injuries to tangle with. If he added any more to his already ridiculously long list, Chakwas would have his head.

But there never was escaping more injuries. When one healed, another quickly replaced it. Such was the way of things, and Shepard hated it. He couldn't go a single day without something hurting, just like they couldn't seem to go one mission without someone getting hurt.

 _I'm sorry, Liara._

* * *

"What the hell do I do with her?" Ashley demanded.

"Leave her in the truck," Shepard ordered. "Do you really think carrying her closer to that Reaper is a good idea?"

"No, but the truck isn't any safer."

"Wrex can handle it."

Ashley grunted and looked back to where the krogan was standing, watching over the entrance to the Shroud's lab and the vehicle in question. Then she returned her even stare to him, and he swore he saw a flash of fear in her eyes. But it was gone and she was nodding, so they were moving.

"This is probably the dumbest thing we've done, Commander," Ashley commented as they jogged up a set of stairs. "Running at a Reaper to _call_ for a giant thresher maw in hopes that it'll fight it."

He huffed as he turned into a room. "I admit this isn't one of our finer plans." She muttered something about that being an understatement, and he interrupted with, "But what other choice do we have?"

"Retreat," she said immediately. No hesitation. "Fall back and come up with a new plan. The turians were taken out in a matter of seconds and we were caught in a shit storm just trying to get here."

"No," Shepard said. "We finish this now. The genophage gets cured today."

She followed him back outside and onto a bridge, but whatever she was about to say was lost to the, "Holy shit," that left her lips at the sight of the Reaper.

Shepard felt his heart stop as they looked at the purple monstrosity. Less than three hundred yards away and it was staring them down. The only thing between them and victory, and it was entirely capable of assuring their defeat on its own.

Then the firing chamber opened, and he felt his gut lurch in surprised terror. He was a career marine—it took quite a bit to frighten him, but a synthetic with a bloodlust for organics could definitely do that. They didn't feel fear, pain, or anything. Synthetics had no self-preservation instinct, and that was what made them the perfect soldiers.

And the worst enemies.

"Run!" Ashley exclaimed. She pushed at his back and it was enough to get him moving, but it was too little too late. He'd barely lifted a foot when the unfortunately familiar sound of the beam charging up hit their ears.

And then the world turned red.

Someone screamed, though whether it was himself or Ashley, he wasn't sure. He felt heavy, stifled, buried, like he was being crushed, and he couldn't breathe. Pressure. Pressure everywhere. It reminded him of what had happened when a chunk of wall had crumbled on him on Elysium. The feelings were the same.

It clicked. The bridge collapsed. He was under the rubble, but he needed to get out. Now.

His hands fumbled as his vision swirled to focus. It only made finding the intrusive object harder, but it didn't seem to be a problem. Someone, probably Ashley, was already throwing it off him and dragging him to his feet. It was good to know that someone was strong enough to go around throwing hulking masses of stone...for whatever reason. He found it oddly reassuring.

Her hands grabbed his face, and for a half a second, he recalled Joker's fears. Ashley might be trying to snap his neck. She could be _indoctrinated,_ dammit!

But then she let out a breath of relief–more of a choked, terrified sob if he was being honest–and dropped her hands. She had thought he was hurt. Or dead. Probably the latter. He wouldn't have been surprised to end up dead, but the worst he got out of it was some coughing.

Her relieved sob struck home. Realizing she cared more about him than whatever that thing could be saying was as equally relieving for him, if not more. He'd been afraid bringing her here would cost them both, but she seemed to be handling it well. He still had her. She was still his.

That screech of the Reaper preparing to fire echoed across the buildings again. But when it fired, it fired so far overhead that it couldn't possibly be aiming for them. And when he heard it, the sound of thrusters firing, he laughed in utter disbelief.

"Commander, this is Artimec Wing."

His breath caught in his throat and when he looked at Ashley, he never thought he'd seen someone look so relieved in his life. She doubled over and put her hands on her knees, and he reached out, resting a hand on her shoulder.

"We'll try to give that thing something else to shoot at."

Wordlessly, the pair took off, going the only direction they could; towards it. They were running at a Reaper, and suddenly, he really did think this was the dumbest thing they'd ever done.

There was a flash of red light. It sounded like a lightning strike when the beam connected with a pillar, narrowly shooting over Shepard's head. It collapsed a moment too late to hurt them, and amazingly, he heard Ashley's adrenaline-hyped laugh.

"I've done some pretty stupid shit for you, Shepard, but holy fuck, this definitely takes the cake."

"Just keep going!" he ordered.

What the hell else could they do? Their guns wouldn't stop a Reaper and there wasn't anything for them to shoot at on the ground.

But he'd spoken too soon. As they approached a courtyard leading to the Shroud, he saw brutes, _multiple_ brutes, clambering out of their hiding places.

"Where are the hammers?" he demanded.

Ashley slid to a stop beside him and opened her omni-tool. Despite how quickly she pointed in two different directions, it wasn't fast enough for him. The brutes, five of them at least, were looking for blood, and he and Ashley were the only targets they could get.

"Get the one on the left!" Shepard said. "Go!"

The Reaper stepped to make a turn, firing a shot at the scattered turian pilots, and the force of it nearly knocked him off his feet.

 _This is absolutely insane._


	87. Chapter 87

**A/N:** **So, uh...NSFW? Kind of? Because, uh...I don't know what happened, but it happened. It has been SO LONG since I wrote anything like this, so please don't hate me if it's bad XD. Sorry if it seems to drag. I'm a little slow with this stuff, and if you don't believe me, I've been writing this chapter on the side since chapter 85. That's not much word wise, but the amount of time? That's like three weeks XD. But enough rambling! Onto the chapter!**

* * *

It was draining, his life. Pretending to be strong when he wasn't. Putting on a face every morning and lying to himself, to everyone he cared about. He wanted to be free of it. He wanted to escape it all. All the death, all the suffering.

The elevator doors opened on the crew deck. He didn't remember pressing that key, or even getting into the elevator in the first place. But the sight before him made his stomach churn and his chest ache. Specialist Traynor, standing before the memorial wall, with a screwdriver and placard. She'd be placing Mordin's name on it, but Shepard didn't want to look, couldn't bear to see another of his failures.

He should've been able to save him. He should've done something, said something, volunteered to go instead. Good people, better people, kept dying for him, to buy him time to complete what seemed an impossible task, to make friends when they could very well end up dead tomorrow. Mordin was just the first to hit so close to home, and Shepard doubted he'd be the last. No one could escape the Reapers, not even the elite specialists he'd recruited to stop the Collectors.

 _Who else do I have to lose before this nightmare ends?_

He let his feet carry him where they willed, though it didn't surprise him when he found himself in the observation deck. Ashley was always his outlet and after today, he needed that. He needed someone who could see him _for_ him, who really knew who he was and not the façade he wore.

And maybe he needed to feel her touch. Maybe he wanted to hear her tell him it wasn't his fault that Mordin was gone. Maybe he didn't know who else to turn to. He felt lost and needed someone who understood his mindset. He needed someone who had felt this before, and oddly, drinks with Garrus didn't feel like it would do the trick. He couldn't drink away his guilt over Mordin's death. Not this soon. If he drank, he'd just make it worse.

The next thing he knew, he had his arms around her, and that was the only thing that mattered. She was there. So was he. They were alive and as unharmed as humanly possible.

 _I still have her._

The thought made his stomach twist into anxious knots. His heart started racing, and he pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her tightly enough he briefly wondered if he was hurting her. But all she did was hug him back. She didn't even ask if he was okay, or what was wrong, but just held him, and— _good God_ —that was the greatest feeling in the world. He had never liked how soft he was, but if it got him moments like these, he would gladly show her his weaknesses. He'd already given away so much of himself; why not share the last little bit?

He took a deep breath, feeling it shudder through his lungs, and buried his face in crook of her neck. She was warm, somehow managing to not smell like Reaper guts, but the standard issue soap the ship stocked. Shepard never realized how much he liked that linen-like scent until it was on her. There was an underlying hint of something sweeter as well, though what exactly it was escaped him.

Eventually, his arms slackened and fell to hang loosely around Ashley's waist, and hers found their way around his neck. It was lazy, but just as comforting as the embrace. He'd needed that comfort like he needed air. While she claimed she wasn't good at stuff like that, Shepard disagreed wholeheartedly. Her _presence_ was more comforting than a gun in his hand, made him feel stronger, braver. The one time she'd admitted that she loved him was the greatest moment of his life, and just hearing her heartbeat made him smile.

She didn't have to try to make him love her. She didn't have to try to be anything. Whatever she did was always perfect, beyond perfect, and he had to wonder how in hell he was the man lucky enough to catch her.

It felt like forever before he finally released her, and he regretted it instantly. The room was noticeably colder without her arms around him and she actually looked embarrassed when she stepped back. He didn't understand why, but then again, he didn't understand her reasoning for a lot of things. Every time he thought he had her figured out, Ashley would turn around and surprise him with something so utterly ridiculous that he'd go back to square one. It was part of her charm.

He reached for her hands, ran his fingers through hers, pulled her back. All it took was a confused smile for him crush his lips against hers. That didn't do much to help the situation, because as soon as she returned his kiss, his mind went south. He wanted all of her. Everything.

Briefly, he supposed that coming down here just to lose himself in her was about as backwards as going to drink, but he craved the feel of someone's body against his. Her touch grounded him, brought him back to reality. It reminded him they were alive. It made him _feel_ alive.

She was the one to end the kiss. It was over too fast for him, but as much as he wanted her, he wasn't going to push. So he satisfied himself by resting his forehead against hers, brushing their noses together, kissing her cheeks. She actually laughed at him at one point, a confused little yelp, and it almost made him smile.

"What's gotten into you?"

"Nothing," he said. "Or...I don't know. Life is so fragile and it's easy to forget that. I just...want you to know how much I love you. In case something happens."

Her eyebrows creased together. "Do you think something will?"

Shepard just shrugged weakly. "What I think and what is are two completely different things."

Ashley's frown deepened as she pulled further away from him. His gut lurched anxiously, but he managed to control his hand as it reached for hers. He folded their fingers together and brushed his thumb over her knuckles.

"You're going to be fine," she said. There was no hesitation; it was a statement of fact, and it caught him off-guard. "No one in the galaxy is going to let you die. You'll kick some ass and finally get those dogs you want so badly."

He sighed and shook his head. "Says who?"

One brow went up, and he knew what she was going to say. "Me."

The way she said it, so serious, made him laugh. "Y'know, usually it's the other way around. The man's supposed to protect the woman."

Ashley shrugged. "Most women aren't genetically engineered freaks."

"You're not a freak," he said flatly.

He watched as she swallowed, retracted her hand to plant both of them on her hips. "Says who?"

"Me," he repeated.

She laughed in disbelief, hiding her face behind a hand as she pinched the bridge of her nose. The next thing he knew, her lips were on his and her arms were around his neck. When he finally came to his senses, he wrapped an arm around her waist, crushed her to his chest. One of his hands snaked up her back to pull her hair loose and tangled in it, allowing him to run his thumb over her throat.

He tilted her head back to deepen the kiss, stepping so close that she had to take a step back to keep her balance. Her foot must've hit something, because suddenly, her hand was grabbing at his shirt collar and they were falling. His hand shot out to catch the back of the couch and he tensed his muscles to support her weight, but it felt like nothing.

"Uh...oops."

"Didn't you say that last time?" he teased.

"Last time I punched your laptop."

He smirked and pulled her upright, and then released her. He could feel her eyes on his back as he went for the door to lock it. Then, in a particularly odd show of bravery from his shy self, he reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it overhead. It was discarded as carelessly as before, but he did make a mental note that it was on the right half...somewhere. He was too stunned at the sight of her doing the same as him, minus the blushing.

He never handled undressing in front of others very well, but she apparently did, and if she was doing what he thought she was, he'd never seen something more arousing in his life.

Slowly, he leaned over to pull off one of his boots, and she copied him. He arched a brow quizzically, like a challenge, as he went to remove the other. Ashley just scoffed and took her second boot off as well. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do after that—keep stripping, or do what he was comfortable with, and undress in the heat of the moment.

And with each passing second, it became harder for him to maintain eye contact. His eyes fell to her chest, but quickly reasserted themselves on hers, and she smirked triumphantly. He was trying harder than he felt was appropriate, and all it did was make him feel awkward. She wasn't having any problems staring at him, eyes wandering where they pleased, and he wondered how she was so shameless.

He swallowed his courage before reaching for his belt. His eyes followed her hands as she reached for hers, staring at the blank expanse of skin just past her fingers. Bruised from a hit she'd taken earlier in the day, but it didn't seem to bother her.

Shepard tugged on his belt and let it fall from the loops of his pants. It got thrown somewhere. Still not sure where; he was focused on Ashley, now closing the distance between them again. As soon as her skin brushed against his, shivers shot up and down his spine, but it wasn't enough. He needed to feel all of her, every inch.

He didn't hold back when he kissed her. Hungry, desperate, wanting. The feel of her bare skin against his helped him forget. It erased the pain, physical or mental, and reminded him he wasn't alone. That while people could die, plenty survived into the next day. Plenty of people were survivors. He was. She was. Everyone on the ship was.

Was that what it was now? A war for survival? Did that leave any space for victory?

Shepard hoped, prayed, that it did. He didn't think he could live with winning only to be swallowed up by the aftermath. If the Reapers fell, they _had_ to continue. They had to keep going. If they didn't, wasn't that like letting the Reapers win anyway?

It wasn't working. He was getting distracted, and for a brief moment, he realized he was using her. Using Ashley for...what, exactly? She had to know what he was doing, why they were doing this. She wasn't stupid. No, by now he'd come to accept that she was far smarter than she gave herself credit for. She knew him like she knew every single gun in the _Normandy's_ armory, and she knew that Mordin's death would be driving him insane. She knew he was just using her, or that he at least felt like he was.

And yet...she allowed it to happen. There was no complaint when he deepened their eager kisses, nothing but a hum of satisfaction as their tongues swirled together.

Perhaps she was using him as well. He still didn't exactly know her as well as he originally thought, but he doubted Mordin's death was the root of her own problems. Had he missed something on Tuchanka? Or was she just insanely glad they were alive? Both?

He suspected it was both. Ashley was tough, but there had been no missing the increasing level of fear in her eyes as they'd gotten closer to the Reaper and the Shroud. She'd been terrified, and she'd stuck by him anyway.

It almost made him laugh. He'd been terrified _of_ her before, and he'd stuck around because she needed it. Just another instance of her repaying a debt she couldn't possibly know about, even if he didn't consider it as one. He thought it was a given; he thought it was his job to be there for her, that she deserved it.

And that made him wonder if that's what she thought this was. Something she owed him.

He pulled away the instant the thought crossed his mind. Despite how much he wanted it, wanted her, he was not the kind of man to go through with this against her consent. He wasn't going to pressure her into anything. Not after everything he tried to protect her from.

Ashley was confused, to say the least. Brows drawn together in concern, mouth slightly open as she tried to catch her breath to speak. He wouldn't give her the chance.

"You're okay with this?"

There was a flicker of something there, but he didn't catch it. Whatever she'd been thinking, it was gone as soon as it came.

Her only answer was an infinitely amused grin. Her lips curled back, he saw teeth, and he realized he'd never seen her smile so widely in ages. Little ones here, half-smirks there, but never a real smile. And when he did see them, they were for him. _Him._ Like she was saving the best of herself for him alone.

And, _holy hell,_ it only made him love her all the more.

One of her arms went up around his shoulder, behind his neck. He caught it as she ran her fingers down the back of his head. She was still smiling, and he couldn't help returning it. He pressed his lips against the inside of her forearm, watched in mild amusement as her cheeks flushed a bit in surprise. Did she still not understand how much he loved her?

Rest of the galaxy be damned; he was going to show her. It wasn't about him anymore, not really. He still craved her touch, but he was going to try and prove it. Whatever "it" was, though, was a mystery. But something needed proving, and he was going to do it.

She must've thought he was hesitating. Truth be told, he had been. His mind was going a thousand miles a minute and he couldn't slow it down. He was worried about so many things, defeated, lost, and he wanted nothing more than to spend the next few hours with her.

Her free hand pulled his against her ribs and he swallowed. His thumb brushed over a scar, strangely shaped, and she shivered as she sucked in a breath, nervous. It wasn't like this was their first time together, but the first time had been rushed, frantic, and a bigger mess than it should've been. They didn't stop to worry about the other, let alone look at whatever blemishes they had. And while Shepard felt he should have many, he didn't. The few scars he did have came from time spent aboard the SR-2. None of it came from his time with his friends on the SR-1, or from the Blitz. Cerberus had grown him completely new, and the lack of scars was one of the most noticeable features.

But when they brought Ashley back, she had been intact. They had a body to use. In a sense, she was still her. It made him jealous.

"Shep—"

"Kyler," he corrected instantly. How many times had he said it now?

"Kyler," she repeated. It sounded like she was tasting the word, his name, and it made him flush. It was still weird hearing anyone say his first name, but when she said it, it felt...relieving.

She stepped closer, close enough there was hardly an inch of them that wasn't touching, and he swallowed again. Not out of anxiety, but out of anticipation. He'd stalled too long and he was growing impatient, but that was with himself, not the situation.

He ran his hand around her side, to her back. She wasn't a small person, but he felt like his hand covered her entire back. She _felt_ small, and he was afraid to break her. It was a stupid fear and he knew it, but it sat at the forefront of his mind as he pressed his lips to her jawline. He heard her breath hitch in her throat, and the small, smug smirk that tugged at his mouth was involuntary. She hadn't been very...verbal before and he didn't expect her to be now, but he would take it.

The grip she had on him was firm. Right at the base of his skull, fingers tangled in what little hair they could find. Tugging gently, urging him on. He didn't need to be asked twice.

They continued that way for some time; her failing to push them further and him enjoying the frustrated little gasps she occasionally gave. His hands wandered almost as wildly as his lips, and he wasn't sure what he enjoyed more—her frustration or _her_ own wandering hands. Over his ribs, gently tracing nonsensical patterns over the bruises. Over his back, clenching into fists before relaxing and repeating it all over again. In his hair, soothing whatever worry was still sown in his thoughts.

But he lived to worry, and there was no erasing it all. He had been concerned earlier in the day that she was trying to kill him. It came back now, nagging, distracting, annoying, and he pushed it away. Cerberus had taken this away from them before; he wasn't going to let them do it again. There were some things in life that he wasn't willing to give up.

Eventually (or was it much faster than he realized?) her hands found their way to the waistline of his pants. Without missing a beat, he crushed their lips together as she fought to finish undressing him. And without fail, she managed to return the teasing. Ghosting brushes of her fingers, desperate tugs at his pockets. His hips twitched involuntarily and he swore she stifled a laugh at his expense. He could feel it vibrating throughout her torso, hear it as he swallowed the laugh in their frantic kissing.

That was just mean. It made him flush a whole new shade of red, but whether or not she noticed was a moot point. _Again_ with the teasing. Except...she really was trying to get his pants off. And he really did want them gone. They were starting to get restricting, and every time she touched him, intended or not, made his blood boil. He couldn't take it.

He'd never felt so desperate in his entire life. The last of their clothes couldn't come off fast enough, he couldn't get to her fast enough, nothing. It felt like time spun slower just to irritate him. Every muscle in his body felt sluggish and weak, and when Ashley knocked them onto one of the couches rather ungracefully, he was beyond relieved. She laughed at something as they fell, though whether that was the look on his face or the ridiculousness of the situation, he didn't know, let alone care to know. Being so close to her again was overwhelming; her touch burned, her laugh made his chest ache, and _none of it was enough._

Shepard was no stranger to women or their strange charms; being a career military man in such a large galaxy offered plenty of opportunities for...adventurous evenings. But it never gave him the chance to actually find someone who got under his skin. He'd be relocated before any relationship amounted to much more than physical, and he'd been fine with that for quite a while.

But when he'd gotten his own command, that had been a sign things would change. He would have people he'd see every day, personnel that wouldn't change stations unless they were ordered to.

And so long as they managed to keep their relationship a secret, he didn't see Ashley being transferred any time soon. She was one of those people he'd be stuck with. As a matter of fact, she was the one least likely to be moved from his command.

Knowing that made every little interaction all the sweeter. Maybe a little overbearing, but for all the more time they spent together on the ship, Shepard thought he could live with it.

She tugged on his hair again, but there was something different about it. It wasn't insistent so much as a question, and he pulled away with a frown, brows creasing together. She didn't look upset, or at least, not that he could tell. Her already dark eyes were almost black now, so it was hard to get much of anything from that, and she was trying not to smile.

He went to ask what was wrong, but she cut him off. "I love you."

His heart skipped a beat and he felt a stupid, giddy grin splitting his lips as he lounged on his elbows. He could never hear it enough. She'd had such a hard time expressing emotions before, whereas he'd been inadvertently saying it all the way through their time with Cerberus. The first time he outright told her, she'd gotten anxious and had been too afraid to say it back. Ashley had told him she loved him _once_ , and now that she said it again, he felt the same heat building in him.

She'd given him more of her time than even his parents. She was the only person to ever just...be there, and in his line of work, that consistency was something he sorely needed.

He kissed her again, pouring every ounce of his adoration into the little thing in his attempt to convey just how grateful for her he really was. And– _good God_ –he never thought he loved someone so much.

When they finally came together, it wasn't as needy and rough as he'd expected it to be. Most of his encounters had been; there was never enough time for anything meaningful and he never wanted it any other way. But here, now, he could finally understand the appeal of taking it slowly. He could savor the way she whispered his name, the feel of her pressed against him, how she tasted when he deepened their kisses. He wondered what in the hell was wrong with him at first, questioned why he'd never wanted something...more with his flings, but he realized it wouldn't mean so much with Ashley if he had.

He was surprised by how carefully she touched him, how gentle, almost reverent, she was. She was terrified of hurting him and guilt washed over him like a wave. He'd been bitter about that kick the other day. She'd broken his ribs and for all of his faith in her, he thought he had been wrong. He never believed she would hurt him, and he'd been wrong. And even when she apologized, he hadn't taken it for much more than face.

He felt like an ass. He didn't deserve this. Not with her. Despite the arguments he knew she would have, Ashley was an infinitely better person than he could ever be, and the bruises on his ribs could attest to that. She kept him from killing James. She put Cerberus troops out of their misery when she has every right to walk past while they suffered. She got broken up over killing their younger members and tried to right wrongs she'd done while she was with them.

Shepard...Shepard didn't think he was brave enough for it. He wouldn't have been able to claim anything as his own actions like she had. There were just things he wasn't capable of, and laying blame like that on the victim was one of those things.

Throughout all of it, she never once came close to hurting him. She caught every potential gasp of pain from him, attempted (and failed) to keep their pace from getting frantic enough that he might hurt himself, but by the time that they got that far, Shepard could hardly notice anything past his own need to push them over the edge. His ribs should ache from breathing so hard. His arm should burn from putting all of his weight on it. _Everything_ should hurt.

But it didn't, and he was grateful. He _had_ to let her finish first. He'd never cared so much before, but he had to. He wanted to feel her back arch against him, wanted to hear her cry his name like it was the only one she'd ever known and pull him over with her. He could feel how close she was. She was giving in to the faster pace he'd been setting, breathing harder with each roll of his hips.

Her nails dug into his back and he hissed as pain lanced through his skin. That would definitely be leaving a mark, but he couldn't care less. She was _right there_ and he wasn't sure how much longer he'd last. He was ready to give out.

He begged, pleaded with her to let go. It wasn't anything he thought as particularly attractive, but it gave her the last nudge she needed. Her back arched, and almost as soon as his name left her lips, he pulled her back into a kiss to swallow whatever cries either of them could make. She was shaking as she clung to him, defiantly keeping up their pace until he crashed with her.

The ecstasy made him feel like he was floating, and damn it all, he would've been fine with it. Every care he had in the world was right in front of him and nothing was going to ruin that moment for them.


	88. Chapter 88

_Crunch._

Oh, that was going to get irritating fast.

She shovelled in another bite of her salad as quickly as she could manage, doing her level best to ignore the crunching that accompanied her chewing. She'd barely taken a third bite when she realized that yes, it had gotten irritating fast, but she was starving. Ashley had felt so off throughout the entire day that eating anything other than the bland salads the ship stocked wasn't an option. Her senses had been all over the place since waking up; if she ate anything with any flavor, she was probably going to throw it back up from being so overwhelmed.

And she didn't need to be getting sick when they had important shit to do once they left the Citadel. If Shepard found out she'd been throwing up, there would be no shot in hell of her getting off the _Normandy_ to go after Garneau. She didn't even know who this Garneau was, just that he was connected to a Doctor Bryson the Alliance had sent Shepard to contact on the Citadel. Whatever the hell they were doing, Ashley figured there was at least a minute point to it. Hackett wouldn't send them to Bryson for nothing.

As she munched on her salad, Ashley glanced around the mess hall before opening her omni-tool. Confined to the ship was probably the dumbest order she'd ever been given. Running at that Reaper yesterday hadn't been something Shepard had ordered her to do—she just did it because he needed her to. And while she hadn't agreed with curing the genophage, Shepard did, so she followed. She wasn't usually so muted about her disagreement, but she didn't have the energy to argue when they were on Tuchanka, and she didn't have much reason to argue afterwards. By then, it was pointless.

She just felt bad for Mordin. She spent a good portion of the morning glaring at the wall by the elevator. He hadn't deserved that, and she supposed it was selfish to think it was better Solus than Shepard, but Mordin wasn't the one that was trying to save the galaxy. And she didn't care for him quite as much as she cared for Shepard.

Once she had her omni-tool unlocked, she went straight for the clock, and groaned when she saw it was only 1400. Was he still in a meeting with the salarian Councilor? She hoped not. It was supposed to be brief, but four hours? That wasn't what Ashley considered brief, and she was getting restless. She had been bored enough after Shepard departed to go check on Liara in the med bay—she'd be in no condition to accompany them on missions for quite some time. One of her organs had been split, and it was a miracle she lasted as long as she did without proper medical treatment.

Ashley was just glad to hear she would be all right. After losing Mordin, she didn't know how much Shepard could take. He was a marine. He was used to friends dying, but when you feel like it's your fault, it's always harder to swallow. She knew he blamed himself for Mordin's death and she knew he'd blame himself if Liara died, but truth be told, Ashley felt like Liara was her responsibility. Ashley had slapped medigel on Liara's wound faster than that Reaper could fire off a shot, and she hadn't even known if that would help or make the situation worse. She was so afraid of having made the asari's condition worse that she didn't even ask Chakwas if she'd helped or not.

She glanced in the direction of the med bay as she stuck her arm back under the table. Liara was still there, still unconscious.

 _"Are we friends?"_

 _"I'll let you be the judge of that, Ashley."_

She looked back down. The salad didn't look particularly appetizing, and that was most likely half the reason it was still in the refrigerator. No one in their right mind wanted to eat such a bland, tasteless thing...unless they were Ashley. Several marines had gone past and given her choice of food goofy looks. She didn't blame them. On a normal day, she'd have steered clear of that thing. But it wasn't a normal day, and she could taste the water in the lettuce. The shredded cheese tasted like prepackaged crap and the ranch was just...gross.

 _Never again,_ she thought.

By the time she'd finished the salad, Trakes and Vega had meandered their way into the mess hall. They headed for the counter and the fridge, and Ashley eyed them past her fork before making a split second decision to leave before she was spotted. She didn't have the patience to deal with them both at once. Trakes she could handle. Vega, she wasn't so sure, but it had been almost a year since her temper had gotten the better of her, and she preferred to keep it that way.

Instead, she simply ditched the plastic dishes and headed for the elevator. Boredom was the last thing on her mind. If she couldn't find something to entertain herself with on the crew deck, she would head down to the shuttle bay and get to work on her helmet. It would've been logical to just do that earlier, but she really didn't want to go digging around inside of it.

The elevator opened up to Traynor, who had her arms clasped behind her back as she swung a datapad around. She visibly jumped when Ashley appeared, and what little composure the woman could manage in such a short time amounted to virtually nothing. Ashley just arched a brow and went to sidestep the specialist, but Traynor cleared her throat and caught her arm.

"I was, uh, looking for you," Traynor said.

Ashley sighed and stepped back, away from the lift. "All right. What is it?"

She didn't miss the surprised glance Traynor gave her hand before retracting the appendage. Still jumpy, but at least she was willing to approach her of her own doing. That was better than the alternative.

"I was monitoring the deck," Traynor said. Ashley just resumed her usual confused expression, one brow up, to wait for an explanation. Whatever it was, it had Traynor on edge, or at least worried. "EDI was keeping an eye on the docking authorities and picked up an anomaly."

"Why was she spying on C-Sec?"

Traynor made a helpless motion as she shrugged. "She wouldn't tell me. Shepard's orders, she said."

When she didn't elaborate further, Ashley cleared her throat. "But the anomaly?"

"Oh, right." She had to resist the urge to roll her eyes. This was why many marines looked down on what they'd dubbed "college babies." They didn't go through basic like enlisted personnel did. They didn't _understand._ Ashley liked Traynor just fine, but spacing something so important was a keen reminder that Traynor had joined the Alliance through a scholarship.

"She caught a Spectre code in use ten minutes ago," Traynor explained. "Major Alenko's access code."

Ashley had never cringed so quickly. Cringed, winced, frowned, panicked, everything imaginable. There was only one way Kaidan had managed to get his access codes, let alone be on the Citadel in the first place. Cerberus had to have allowed him to go free.

Her gaze quickly hardened into an angry glare as she realized Udina must've given him his access code. He wasn't _supposed_ to do that, but then again, when had Udina ever done what was right for the sake of it? Something was going on and Ashley was going to figure out what it was.

"Send a message to Shepard," she decided. "Tell him what you've found."

Traynor frowned as Ashley stepped further back, edging her way towards the observation deck, and asked, "What are you going to do?"

"Probably get arrested," Ashley started, "for breaking my 'house arrest.'" After ordering EDI to run a scan of the Citadel's emergency channels, she retreated to starboard observation to run both of her hands down her face.

Cerberus was involved in whatever was going on. They had to be. There was no way they weren't. The Illusive Man wasn't in the habit of letting his soldiers do whatever they wanted, and he definitely didn't let his personal playthings wander too far of their own volition. Ashley alone had been kept within arm's reach at all times, but it was nothing compared to how leashed Leng was. The man didn't eat or sleep unless he was specifically ordered to.

She couldn't imagine Kaidan escaping and making it this far. The Illusive Man let him go.

She just hoped he was still him.

* * *

It only took her a few minutes to get into her hardsuit, but by the time she marched into the cockpit, she was entirely sure everything had managed to go to hell. Joker was arguing with a woman over the comm about opening the _Normandy_ for repairs, repairs they didn't need. If they'd needed repairs, technicians would've already boarded.

Wordlessly, Ashley reached past the pilot's head and closed the channel.

"What the hell?" he demanded.

"It didn't sound like you were making much progress," she remarked sarcastically. Joker rolled his eyes and propped his head up with an arm, his typical lounging pose as he waited for an explanation. "You don't open this ship for anybody. Do you understand?"

"Um...obviously." His voice was dripping with as much sarcasm as hers had been, and it was her turn to roll her eyes, though she refrained. "Honestly, if there was something wrong with the ship, I'd think at least _I_ would know about it. I'm the damn pilot."

She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed in exasperation. "Whatever. Try undocking." Joker shot around in his chair, brows raised and an argument at the ready, but a dark look from her cut him off. "Just trust me, okay?"

He eyed her for a moment, suspicious, but swivelled back around and began punching in codes and requests into his systems. Ashley just watched with a blank expression plastered to her features, arms folded anxiously over her chest. And when he was finished, the answer was immediate.

 _Departure request denied._

"Uh...that's a new one." He leaned forward to hail docking control, but Ashley's hand shot out to catch his wrist.

While he glared at her, she glanced over at the synthetic sitting idly by. "EDI, hack into the control station's cameras. Project it on-screen."

Joker snatched his hand back as EDI said, "Right away."

Her own hand had barely fallen back to her side when they were greeted by a pair of men in white armor patrolling the service room while a woman clad in a lighter, black hard suit controlled the systems. Missing the orange logo painted onto her collarbone was hard, and almost as soon as the feed started playing, she shot out the camera. Joker jumped in surprise, but Ashley could only sigh again.

What a wonderful day this was shaping up to be.

"What the hell was that?" Joker demanded.

"Cerberus," EDI surmised.

Just as fast, Joker looked back at her. "Want me to try and raise the boss?" She just nodded, but when the pilot's efforts were met with interference, she wasn't surprised. Rather than allowing herself to get anxious and worried, she pushed every other thing in her mind to the side and focused only on what they could do.

"Check emergency channels."

Seconds ticked by of nothing but static or silence, so when they finally did get an answer, her heart almost leapt out of her throat.

" _Normandy,_ th—"

"Thane!" Mistaking that voice was nearly impossible. She'd imagined the owner of it trying to kill her or Shepard so many times that she could never forget it. "Where are you? What the hell is going on?"

"Cerberus is attacking the Citadel," he said, though he sounded strained. Briefly, Ashley wondered if he was all right, but she pushed it aside to sit with her worry for Shepard. "They're in control of the docks."

"Yeah, we know," Joker answered. "We tried to pull out, but they blocked us."

"Where's Shepard?" Thane asked.

Ashley and Joker exchanged glances before she said, "Somewhere on the station. He was supposed to be meeting with the salarian Councilor. We already tried contacting him, but his comm's out."

The drell didn't answer at first, but there was a crack of gunfire somewhere near him. No one said anything for fear of getting him found or shot, and he was silent for several painstakingly long moments. But after what felt like hours, Ashley cautiously broached the subject.

"Thane?"

"I'm here," he whispered. "Cerberus troops are moving through the Presidium."

"Where are you? The hospital?"

"No, I'm in a storefront. I'm on my way to C-Sec headquarters."

She frowned. "What? Why?"

"Cerberus is in control of it," he said. "If C-Sec can't respond, then the station is lost. Someone has to do something."

Another sigh as she ran her hand down her face. "All right, stay where you are. We're on our way." Once the channel had closed, she turned her gaze down to the pilot and said, "Get Cortez to prepare the shuttle and have Garrus, Trakes, and Vega meet Thane at C-Sec. If it's not wearing C-Sec gear, it dies. Is that clear?"

His brows furrowed as he nodded, but before she could escape, he asked, "And what're you going to do?"

"Find out why someone used a Spectre code that shouldn't exist." Joker's frown deepened. "EDI, you're with me. We'll clear the dock so the others can deploy, and then I want you making sure Cerberus doesn't come back for round two."

Silently, the AI stood to follow orders and headed to the bridge for the weapons locker.

"Unless Shepard or I tell you otherwise, this ship is on lockdown. No one in or out without our consent. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said immediately.

Ashley snorted a half amused laugh. "I think that's the most respect I've gotten out of you in...ever."

"Well, you weren't my boss until the galaxy went to hell in a hand basket."

She snorted again, but said, "Ship's yours, Joker. Keep her safe."

"Aye aye."

Satisfied, Ashley turned and joined EDI on the bridge. She was presented with a Lancer and a sidearm, but EDI kept the bag of ammo. As long as the pistol was loaded, Ashley should be fine for all the more often she used something other than her assault rifle.

The pair exited the ship as discreetly as they could manage, but with Cerberus in control of the docks, there was nothing they wouldn't be seeing. The instant they stepped out of the docking tube to jog down the stairs, there would be a squad of troopers deploying to deal with them. Ashley was more focused on keeping an eye out for them than she was on getting down the stairs, so when she hopped down the final few, the burst of gunfire was a surprise. She jumped and ducked for cover as quickly as she could, rolling behind a railing while EDI took up a position across from her.

She'd never thought they would deploy early. The fact that they did at all confused her. Were they going to try and board the ship?

She was suddenly glad she had Joker put the _Normandy_ into lockdown.

Ashley risked poking her head out of cover to look for the shooter and was greeted by another spray of bullets. If her helmet hadn't been blasted to shit by that marauder yesterday, she might not have flinched, but it had, and the only protection she had for her head was her flimsy shield. That could be broken in a matter of seconds, with one well-placed shot from a sniper rifle, with concentrated burst fire from an assault rifle, with compacted shots from a pistol. She could be reckless, she knew that, but only an idiot _asked_ to have their head blown off.

Granted, she was also pretty dumb, but she liked to think she was smarter than that.

Sticking to a crouch, she made her way along the railing as quickly and quietly as she could manage, hoping to get a better view of where the gunman was. Once, the trooper leaned around and shot at EDI, and Ashley paused, ears straining to differentiate between the two sounds to make sure she hadn't been shot. It was hard to tell, but she was reasonably sure that the synthetic had managed to avoid the gunfire, and she kept moving. The longer he was focused on EDI, the better. It gave her more time to find him.

When she spun a corner to shift behind shipping crates, she was greeted by a trooper in black. As far as she knew, it could've been the exact same woman she'd seen in the control station, but before she could react, the woman had drawn a sword.

 _The fuck is it with Cerberus and swords?_

She swung the blade towards Ashley's neck, but caught herself as the edge stopped an inch away. Ash didn't blink, held the gaze that was hidden behind her helmet.

"Drop the gun."

It fell unceremoniously from her hands. The sound of the weapon bouncing off the floor split the air, echoing off the walls.

"Hands on your head."

Instead of complying, she smacked the sword aside and drove her foot into the woman's chest. As she fell, Ashley caught a glimpse of the symbol burned into the side of her hardsuit and grimaced.

Phantoms. So she'd have a more refined version of the hand-to-hand they'd ingrained in Ashley.

 _Great._

The Phantom rolled once, and then leapt back onto her feet with an ease that was almost frightening. Almost. Her chest was heaving from the force of the blow she'd taken and she wavered when she stood. Ashley wasn't sure if her hardsuit was designed to absorb impacts, but if it wasn't, _holy shit._

Cerberus was trying to create perfect, obedient little super soldiers for themselves, and they were apparently making more progress than Ashley had anticipated.

There was a crack accompanied by the thud of a body hitting the floor, and EDI ran past a moment later. And while she was distracted, the Phantom lunged, swinging her sword for the throat. Ashley sidestepped to allow the sword past, forcing the Cerberus operative to lean into her own momentum, and used that to her advantage. As the woman finished through with her blow, she caught her wrist, twisted, and drove her sword through her back.

Ashley stared at the body for a half a second, and then kicked her Lancer up into her hands. "Whoops," she said sarcastically, and then jogged after the synthetic.

 _Not so perfect after all._


	89. Chapter 89

**A/N** **: So before y'all freak out and think I did something weird, during the Citadel DLC at the Arena, you can face Cerberus combatants called Dragoons. They carry biotic whips and only appear on harder difficulties, but I always thought it would be cool if you could run into them in-game, so...yeah. I'm not saying anything more than that because it would be a spoiler, so just enjoy the chapter! You'll see what I'm talking about pretty soon anyway :)**

* * *

She thought seeing the footage of Sovereign's attack on the Citadel would've prepared her for the carnage Cerberus was leaving in their wake.

It did not.

People were lying dead in storefronts, restaurants, streets. Plenty of them were C-Sec personnel, but not all of them, and that was enough to make her nauseous. When she'd been with Cerberus, Ashley had always been under strict orders to refrain from killing civilians. No collateral damage. And before, when she'd been in the Alliance, seeing dead civilians was more than a rarity until Eden Prime. Now she couldn't seem to escape them.

Ashley hopped over a bloodied corpse beaten beyond recognition and bit her tongue to distract herself.

 _Keep going._

She was headed for human embassy, for the Spectre office located within. It would attempt to lock her out; the systems wouldn't recognize her and getting inside would be nearly impossible, but it was where Kaidan's code had been used. There _had_ to be answers there. And if she was lucky enough, she'd be able to locate Shepard through biometric scans of the Presidium. With all the cybernetics Cerberus used to bring him back, he'd give off a unique signature. Not quite organic, not quite synthetic.

Unfortunately, there were only two ways into the embassy—the elevator, or climbing through the keeper tunnels. There wasn't much appeal to either of those possibilities, so instead of climbing another set of stairs to reach the elevators, she crossed around behind them and looked up, frowning slightly.

Only a few days ago was she running from the Cerberus operative in Udina's office. It had felt like a lifetime since she'd used the balcony above to escape. Now she'd be using it again to get inside, but that was easier said than done.

The opening was several yards from the ground and she could already feel anxiety pooling in her stomach. But rather than let her fear stop her, Ashley simply looked away and stowed her rifle away on her back. Straight to it; that would make it easier to stomach. Not much easier, but it was better than looking over her shoulder and freaking out halfway up. That would only serve to frighten her into getting stuck.

Swallowing, she forced herself to find something to stand on. After a few moments, she had managed to locate a chair and lug it back over to the opening, and then carefully set it beneath the lip of the railing. If she stood up on her toes and reached for it, it was still two feet out of her grasp.

Thankfully enough, two feet was nothing. She jumped, careful to refrain from kicking the chair over, and wrapped her fingers around the metal beam. It groaned under her weight and she froze, mouth drying.

 _It's only a few feet. Man up._

Ashley looked back up and swung her leg onto the ledge, using the leverage to drag the rest of herself into the embassy. Once she was inside, she rolled behind the nearby benches and drew her gun. It was so quiet that she could hear her own heart beating steadily in her chest. Anxiety welled in her gut again, but not for Shepard. She had a bad feeling about this.

Another swallow as she got to her feet. Despite her own nervousness, her body refused to give in, and she stayed calm. But something about the air was getting to her. Every fiber of her being screamed to get the hell out of there, but still she kept going, checking behind the desks to make sure the lobby was clear before continuing on up towards the offices.

She had intended to check on Commander Bailey, but his office door was locked, and she wasn't going to waste the time to open it. Instead, she went straight for Udina's office, unsurprised to see it unlocked, and as equally unsurprised to see the rat gone. He must've been moved. He must be with the Council, wherever the hell they were. Hopefully with someone who had a brain. She never thought she'd say it, but hopefully a Spectre just as racist and mistrusting as Saren. Saren wouldn't have trusted Udina. Then again, she doubted _anyone_ trusted Udina.

Or at least, anyone who had met him.

Back across the hall for the Spectre offices, then. It was her only shot at finding Shepard and getting to the bottom of this mess.

When she reached for the keypad, however, the door hissed open.

Her eyes narrowed as she glanced around the doorway. No traps, or not any that she could see. She supposed that was a good sign. If she was lucky, the systems were just malfunctioning.

"Occupant unrecognized. C-Sec has been alerted to entry."

 _Or not,_ she grumbled. Her grip tightened on the barrel of her Lancer as she crept down the hallway, headed for the mainframe she could see only a few feet away.

She swore she heard someone breathing.

Hesitant, Ashley paused just inside the hallway and whispered, "Kaidan?" The instant the name left her mouth she was cursing herself for blowing what little cover she might've had. If anyone was in the office with her, they already knew she was there from the VI's announcement, but they wouldn't know where. Not exactly.

"Ashley?"

She felt her heart stop. Fear, dread, excitement, it all washed over her as she whipped around the corner and lowered her gun. It had been him, his voice. Kaidan.

He was sitting on the floor with his legs drawn up to his chest. His shoulders were shaking, head hidden by his knees. Blood of all colors stained his hard suit. Red, blue, purple.

Ashley wanted nothing more than to check on him, to make sure he hadn't been broken too, but she remained where she was. Lowering her weapon was enough trust for the moment. Not being able to trust him hurt, killed her, but she couldn't. Not until she was sure, so she settled for asking him instead. "Are you all right?"

A choked sob escaped him as a shudder passed over his body. Was he...crying?

"I'm sorry."

Something in his hand crackled as electricity shot down what looked like a rope. Her eyes widened in surprise and she tried to step back, but the rope shot out and latched onto her wrist. Kaidan yanked as he stood, wrenching her gun from her grip and her from her balance. She stumbled, and he buried a fist in her stomach. When he pulled back to punch her again, Ashley twisted and threw him away from her, ducking as his whip shot overhead.

Her hand went down for her pistol as she turned to face him, but he was gone.

Slowly, she straightened as her eyes narrowed. Briefly they flicked over to another door, but a glass window confirmed that he was, most likely, still in the room with her.

"What did they do to you?" He didn't answer and the silence started to stretch, so she called out to him. If he didn't want to talk, then he wouldn't, but she'd gotten an answer from him when she called his name before. "Kaidan?"

"Cerberus...opened my eyes," he said. It sounded like the words pained him, like he didn't truly believe them, and Ashley leapt on it. But before she could get a word in, he continued. "The Council is useless. When Saren attempted to invade with his geth, when _he_ brought the Reapers on us, what did they do? They sent a Spectre after him and buried anything leading back to the Reapers. When humanity came into contact with the turians, they forced _both_ of us to come to peace, but it was the turians who fired the first shots of that war. It was _them._ When anything racist occurs, they brush it under the rug and ignore it as if it doesn't matter. It's the Council's fault that we're in this situation. It's their fault Cerberus is the only group that can defeat the Reapers."

She tried to pinpoint his location based on where his voice was coming from, but his rant was over too quickly, and the sound echoed off the walls.

"We need the Council," she said. "You can't—"

He laughed. _Laughed._ "Come on, Ash, you can't believe that. You were the one who bitched about them in those stupid elevators. You were the one with the 'realistic' views. You told us the Council wouldn't care about humans or the rest of the galaxy when push came to shove, and you were right."

"Maybe. But that doesn't mean it isn't necessary."

"There are better options than the Council," he snapped.

The venom in his words was unmistakable. He might not believe what he was saying, but in the short time Cerberus had him, it had been ingrained.

"Like what? Allowing Cerberus to take control? Allowing them to slaughter people so they can find the answer we already have?"

"Destroying the Reapers isn't the answer," Kaidan said resolutely.

"It's the only good answer," she retorted.

There was a clang and she whipped around to level her gun at the source of the sound. It was Kaidan, dropping to the floor. Now that she was paying attention, she could see the subtle differences in him, the visual ones. His hardsuit had been painted black, lined with orange. His eyes, once soft and warm, friendly, held an edge to them that reminded her of herself, of screams in the dark and far too much blood.

"Do you believe that?" he asked.

She tightened her grip on her pistol. "Do you?"

He sighed and looked at the floor, and then back at her. "They said if I could convince anyone of the truth, it'd be you. That you wanted to come back."

"Why would I want to go back?"

"Because it's your fault that Cerberus exists."

He didn't know. He _couldn't_ know. How the hell would the Illusive Man know that she was onto him?

"Kaidan—"

He erupted. The lash in his hand burst to life again and he slammed it off the floor, furious, as he shouted, "Don't patronize me! You know what the Reapers can do for us, for humanity! You know what we could gain from controlling them!"

She shook her head. "No. No, you can't. Controlling them is impossible."

"Cerberus has already done it once." If it was possible, her eyes narrowed further as he took a step closer. "We just need you back."

"What part of _no_ don't you understand? I'm not going back. I can't go back to...to that. Don't you know what they did, what they'll do?" He was looking at the floor again, pretending to ignore her, so she pressed her advantage. "Kaidan, they torture people. Experiment on them. I spent two years of my life living through that hell and I won't do it again. I won't let Cerberus use me like they're using you."

"They're not—"

"They are! You're standing here and trying to convince me that controlling the Reapers is a sane choice, but you don't even believe it yourself. They sent you through the Citadel to kill _innocents_ and for what? What's the point? They knew you'd be caught. They're going to let you take the fall for them, Kaidan, and you're letting it happen."

"I'm the distraction," he whispered.

"The what?"

When he met her eyes, the dangerous edge they'd held only moments before was gone. "He knew you'd come looking for me if EDI caught my Spectre code. He knew you'd convince yourself that Shepard was safe with the salarian, that—"

"Who?" she demanded.

"Leng. He's here. He's going to kill the Councilors and Shepard," Kaidan said. "He's going to transfer power to Udina and Udina will hand control of the Citadel over to Cerberus. The Alliance can't finish the Crucible without the Citadel. The Illusive Man is going to force the Alliance into a stand still so he can get his hands on the Crucible."

She swallowed again, but didn't lower her gun. It was still aimed at his chest. At this range, it would take two shots to kill him, but she'd have plenty of time if he had a sudden change of heart.

"Where is he? Where's Leng?"

He shrugged helplessly. "Going after Shepard and the salarian."

"Where?" she repeated, more forceful this time.

"C-Sec headquarters. The executor's office."

Her heart stopped. _Oh God._ She sent Trakes there. She sent them to help Thane and C-Sec, and Leng was going to kill them. She wasn't getting someone else killed. She _couldn't._

"We have to stop him."

Ashley had barely taken a step towards the door when Kaidan stepped between her and the exit. Her hand tightened on her gun and she fixed him with a concerned glare.

"I can't let you do that," he said.

But he didn't try to stop her when she took a step to the side. Another step, this time towards the door, and still nothing. Her eyes never left him or his lash, dark now, but she'd made it behind him and he hadn't moved yet.

"Do you trust me?"

His voice broke and she wanted to comfort him somehow, but she restrained herself. "I used to."

"Trust me now. Please, Kaidan."

He visibly swallowed as the lash flared to life. Ashley took a step backwards and raised her gun again. One shot. One shot would be enough; he was only a few feet away.

"They said you'd try to turn me."

"Cerberus lies."

He gave a bitter laugh. "Then why are they always right?"

He spun as she pulled the trigger, but she wasn't fast enough. His free hand came up and blocked the shot with a field similar to the one Leng had used on the STG base, and she was forced to roll out of the way as the lash reached for her. It snapped off the wall with a bang, shaking the lights overhead and the floor.

Ashley had barely gotten back on her feet when Kaidan closed the distance. His hand caught her wrist, allowing him to smack her pistol from her grip. The whip fell from his other hand as he reached for her throat. She grabbed him even as he grabbed her, but he was overwhelming, and he tried backing her into the wall. Her knee came up and pressed into his abdomen, keeping him from advancing any further, and he groaned as if in pain.

That was when she realized she was squeezing his wrist tightly enough that she could crush the bones. She didn't want to hurt him, but she wouldn't put it past him to try and kill her. Ashley hadn't survived half the shit she did just to allow Kaidan to kill her because she was too soft. If she had to kill him, then so be it.

"You don't want to do this," she wheezed. His grip on her neck tightened when she spoke, and breathing was becoming difficult.

She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to force herself to relax.

"No," he said softly. "You're my friend."

"Then let me go."

"I can't," he said, voice cracking further. "He said—"

"Cerberus _lies,_ Kaidan," she hissed. "They're using you, and you know they are."

She felt his grip slacken, and she sucked in a breath through her nose. Her lungs screamed in relief and she could've cried with them.

"Do you remember Horizon?" she asked. "When Shepard and I came back for you? When we got you off that colony and you came to me? You were sorry. I couldn't stop you from apologizing because you blamed yourself for what happened on Virmire. You wouldn't stop until I told you I was _glad_ that it had been me who stayed. I didn't want you to go through what I did, and I still don't." His fingers flexed, but Kaidan didn't withdraw his hand. "When I told you what Cerberus made me do, you blamed them, not me. You told me I was better than that and you were right. You knew I was a better person just like I know you're better than this."

He wasn't looking at her now. She could hear him breathing, each breath coming in labored gasps not unlike her own. It was terrifying. He could kill her right now, and he was letting her talk.

"Shepard is your brother, Kaidan, and he might be the most powerful biotic either of us have ever known, but he's hurt, and he won't be able to stop Leng. He _will_ die and so will our only chance at getting free of Cerberus."

His hand tightened. If she could've, she would've cried out. God, did it hurt. Cerberus might've only had him for less than a month, but it had been enough. They were killing him just like they killed her.

"Do you love him?"

 _What?_

"Do you love him?" Kaidan repeated, and suddenly she wasn't sure if she'd said that aloud or thought it. She didn't even know what he was going to do with her answer, honest or not, but he had always appreciated the truth when they were surrounded with lies and politicians. It was the best option, and briefly, she wondered why she even considered lying.

"I do."

"But not like you love me."

"That doesn't mean I'm willing to lose you," she snapped. "You were my best friend. I loved you like a brother and nothing Cerberus can do to either of us will ever change that."

His eyes met hers for the first time since he'd grabbed her. Black spots were clouding her vision, but she swore she saw tears in his eyes. It made her chest ache and she wanted nothing more than to make Cerberus pay for what they'd done. To her, to Grayson, to Kaidan, to the dead people outside.

"Let me help you. _Please,_ Kaidan."

Ashley had barely gotten his name out when he released her. Her first instinct was to cough, to suck in as much air as she could to recover, but she caught herself. Instead of doubling over with the relief, she stood and wrapped her arms around him as he shook from silent cries.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "So, so sorry."

"It's all right," she promised, voice hoarse. "I won't give up on you."

It was only when he hugged her back that she released her grip on the pistol strapped to his hip.


	90. Chapter 90

Oh, did she want to trust him. They'd been friends from the instant they'd been slapped together on the _Normandy._ He looked out for her and she looked out for him. Instant friends.

But every step they took, quickly making their way towards C-Sec headquarters, the more Ashley realized she didn't trust Kaidan. His shoulders were hunched most of the time and his eyes were always downcast, as if he was embarrassed, or regretting some decision he had made. The lone time they'd been caught by Cerberus troopers, he killed them without batting an eyelash, and he'd just stared at her expectantly before moving on.

Either Cerberus had worked fast, or Kaidan was overdoing this lie. Ashley didn't know which she preferred, but she was praying the entire way there—praying that she wouldn't have to kill him. She desperately wanted him to be safe.

"This way," she said, beckoning the biotic after her.

Kaidan followed obediently, watching with a disinterested stare as she kicked in a vent in what would be the third level of the building. After glancing back at him, Ashley turned and crouched to slip into the vent. With the light leaking inside, she could see perfectly fine, but she didn't know if he'd be able to. She didn't know much about what Kaidan was capable of. All she knew was that Cerberus seriously fucked with his brain.

She leaned over and looked up at him. "Flashlight?"

Wordlessly, he reached into the utility pack on his hip. Kaidan pulled out a flashlight and tossed it to her, waiting patiently for her to move to the side to allow him to join her.

"Wouldn't it be faster to go through the front?" he asked.

She just sighed. "You know, I remember when it would've been your idea to come this way."

"I remember when it would've been your idea to go through the front door," Kaidan retorted.

Her head whipped around to smirk at him, but she thought better of it and just stared, keeping her amusement to herself.

Instead, she said, "Yeah, well, Cerberus isn't the best employer." He frowned, so she gestured forward with the flashlight after clicking it on. "Come on. It's this way."

"There's a wall ahead."

"That's the idea."

After several minutes of half-crouching their way along, she tossed the flashlight back to him and straightened in the bend. Her muscles screamed and she rolled her shoulders as she cracked her neck, breathing in the relief.

"There _are_ elevators," Kaidan announced.

"They'll be watching elevators."

She could practically hear the groan of irritation he was suppressing, and it made her feel better about how he was doing. Unable to help herself, she flashed him a grin as he rolled his eyes.

"Nice to know I can still get under your skin."

"That would be hard to get rid of," Kaidan said. "Now, please, explain how you plan on getting...wherever it is you plan on getting."

She pointed. "You see that opening about twenty feet up?"

Kaidan craned his neck and squinted, shining the light upwards and simultaneously confirming her suspicions. "You want to climb that far up? What happened to being afraid of heights?"

Ashley's only response was to scoff. "What happened to the marines' fearlessness?"

* * *

The rush of air through the shafts was enough to nearly deafen her, but Ashley had enough of her wits to be able to discern voices coming from the room below. She turned off the flashlight and trusted Kaidan would be able to keep up without it as she clambered over the covering. Kaidan stopped at the other side, frowning both at her and the room.

"Afraid of heights now?"

She arched a brow quizzically, and then, fighting to keep her rising panic from showing, she grabbed the grate to pull it free. Then she fixed him with a challenging stare, to which he only quirked a brow.

"Ladies first."

It was her turn to roll her eyes, so she swung her legs around and dropped into the room. She crashed into the end of a table and flipped it, much to someone's fright. Her ears rang as she pushed it off, and not a moment later, Kaidan dropped into the room as well.

"Graceful," he commented, tone as dry as it had been moments before.

Hand to her head, she could only say, "You planned it that way."

"I couldn't have planned it to go that well."

Blinking, Ashley dropped her hand back to her side as she squinted at him. "I can't tell if you're laughing at me or serious."

"I'm completely serious, I assure you."

"Cute."

As she massaged her forehead, her eyes sought out the source of the yelp when she made her less-than-graceful entrance. Unfortunately, she couldn't see anything out of the ordinary. The reception area looked...plain, to say the least. It looked like Cerberus hadn't even touched the room, and she let out a breath of relief. Maybe Shepard was still holding out in the executor's office.

"Alenko?"

They both spun at the sound of the voice, the shrivelling of a tactical cloak fizzling out. Ashley had her pistol leveled at the salarian Councilor's chest before the face could register, but by the time it did, the three-fingered hands already came up in surrender.

"Kaidan Alenko?" The salarian let out a sigh, relieved, as he lowered his hands. "You're the Spectre Councilor Udina recently appointed. He said you'd arrive shortly at the session this morning."

Ashley glanced at Kaidan out of the corner of her eye as she holstered her weapon. He followed suit less than a second later, following her lead, as he nodded.

"You must find him," Valern countinued, panicked. "He's the one behind this attack. He's working with Cerberus to—"

"We know," Kaidan interrupted.

For the first time since they dropped inside, the Councilor seemed to take note of Kaidan's current outfit, and stared at them suspiciously.

"It's a long story," Ashley said quickly. Rather than let Kaidan's involvement with the attack sink in, she leapt on the possibility of Shepard being nearby. "Where's Commander Shepard? Did he ever make it here?"

"Where's Udina?" Kaidan demanded.

The pair glanced at each other again, silently commending the other for focusing on what they thought was important, while the Councilor just looked between the two of them, bewildered.

"The Tower," Valern said, confusion ringing through his tone. "But it's not safe to talk here. Cerberus might come through the doors at any second."

For once, Ashley found herself agreeing with one of the Councilors, and nodded. That was what Cerberus was here for, anyway. Killing the Councilors. She might not like any of them, but she knew what was more important. She could prioritize, despite what Trakes might say.

"Ash!"

 _Speak of the devil,_ she muttered to herself.

The sound of running feet reached her ears as the door to the executor's office opened and closed in rapid succession. Trakes, Garrus, Vega. All in one piece.

 _Thank God._

"What the hell is going on?" Trakes demanded as he marched across the lobby to confront her. "We just shot our way up here and no one still knows what's happening."

"Cerberus is here for the Council," Kaidan supplied.

Ashley barely had the chance to turn back to the N7 when she heard the fizz of another cloak falling. Her instincts screamed for her to move, and she did, rolling to the side as she shoved Kaidan in the other direction. Not a second later, and there was a thud as someone landed exactly where she'd been standing. She came up on her knees as she ripped her pistol off her leg, and her brows furrowed.

" _You_."

The assassin straightened as he pulled his thin-bladed sword from his back. He looked less...messy than he did on Sur'Kesh, and now he sported what was closer to a body suit than a hard suit, stuck with armored plates over what was vital but little more.

"You're supposed to be dead," Leng continued. A look behind himself, to Kaidan, who was also holding a gun on the former N7. "Both of you."

"You're not getting away this time," Trakes snapped.

Kai Leng barely spared the other three a passing glance. "I don't have to."

And there it was, the cadence of several troopers decloaking and surrounding them. She only had to look once to know they were outgunned.

A muzzle pressed into the back of her head. It was hot, like it had been fired one too many times, and she dropped her sidearm in a fit of irritation. She didn't like being surprised, no matter how many times it happened, and ambushes like these were more embarrassing than anything in the galaxy.

Once Leng was satisfied that they were restrained, he approached the Councilor. The salarian's eyes never left the glowing visor that covered the Cerberus operative's, fearlessly ignoring the man's twirling sword. Ashley had to commend him for it; it was an attempt to be menacing, and Valern wasn't letting it get to him. Brave. Braver than she expected any politician to be.

"Where are the Councilors?" he demanded.

Valern didn't say a word. With each passing second, Ashley's respect for the man was growing. Leng was only taunting him; it wouldn't be hard for him to contact Udina and simply _demand_ the Council's location, and Valern had to know that. He wasn't giving the assassin the satisfaction of seeing him cower before he died.

"Maybe you need to be persuaded," Leng decided. He turned from the Councilor and to his captives, and she felt her heart leap into her throat. He was going to kill one of them. And it wasn't going to be a painless death; Leng was a sadist. He'd get off on their suffering.

His eyes passed over her without so much as a second glance. Of course he would. He broke her so many times that a simple gunshot wound wouldn't make her writhe. He'd trained her _personally_ so she wouldn't let pain show. Ashley wasn't going to be his target and she knew it before he even announced what he was going, even if she desperately wished she was. She could hardly stand nightmares of herself screaming at Leng's hands. She knew she wouldn't be able to take it if it was someone she cared about.

He glanced at her, finally, and she jerked on her hands, which only earned her a sharp smack against the head from the trooper restraining her. Then he looked to Kaidan, staring back at him blankly.

"Him," Leng said, nodding at Garrus. "Kill that piece of trash."

Her mind ran through a thousand different possible ways to get them out of this mess in the span of two seconds, but before she could decide, Trakes spoke up.

"No!" he exclaimed as the turian was shoved to his knees. "Kill me instead."

Leng barely paused in his turn, and then shrugged. "Very well." Time felt like it slowed as he shot the lieutenant in the chest. Ashley couldn't believe her eyes as he staggered, staring at the wound in disbelief, before collapsing. "Kill the alien too."

"Goddammit!"

"Let us go!"

"You can't do this!"

Furious, he began to whirl on them, sword flashing, and she squeezed her eyes shut. She was going to die. They all were.

 _Well,_ she figured, _at least the Reapers won't kill us._

A shot rang out and a body hit the floor. Too heavy and deep to be Garrus. Too light to be James, and they had to be standing to make a sound like that. One of Cerberus' troopers?

Her eyes snapped open in the confusion. Purple blood was pooling under her knees and the pressure on her wrists was gone.

Without hesitation, she dove for her pistol and shot the soldier restraining Kaidan, allowing him to launch Leng off his feet and away from the Councilor. The two troopers flanking him were her next targets, but there was another crack, and a single shot streamlined through their heads, killing them both simultaneously. Her head whipped around to look for the source, and she could've cried.

 _Thane._

The drell was crouched behind the table across the room, sniper rifle braced on the cool metal, as he picked off Cerberus' men with less effort than it took for one to breathe.

Ashley felt something bite into her shoulder. Hot, searing, sharp. A bullet. She flinched and turned back to return a shot, but Thane had already dispatched the offending trooper and was moving on to the next. The one looking around wildly, holding a gun to Garrus, was the next to fall, but to one of her own rounds. The man behind him fell to Thane's, and she leapt to her feet, rushing past Vega as he wrestled for control of a trooper's gun to Trakes' side.

She pulled off his helmet first and felt under his jaw for a pulse, barely there as Kaidan slid to a stop beside her. Her mouth went dry as she waited, waited despite the blood pouring from her own injury and despite the flying bullets. Despite the terminally ill drell locked in hand-to-hand combat with Kai Leng. Somewhere, distantly, she was aware Thane wouldn't be able to defeat him, but she didn't care. Her friend was bleeding out under her hands, and there wasn't anything she could do for him. She was completely powerless. It made her sick to her stomach.

There was a shove on her arm, the injured one, and she hissed as the pain redoubled.

"Put pressure on the wound," Kaidan snarled.

It was the first time Ashley realized the biotic had stripped the ceramic plate off Trakes' chest to expose the body suit underneath, and the small tear that was gushing blood.

 _This is why he was always the better choice,_ she remembered. _Kaidan doesn't panic._

Kaidan, who was always the calmer of the two, where she was brash and hot-headed. Kaidan, the one who was kind-hearted and friendly, when she was straightforward and rude. Kaidan, the biotic and field medic with tech training, while the only thing she was good for was holding a gun and getting shot. Kaidan, the officer, and her, the grunt.

She swallowed past a lump in her throat as fear made it constrict. She should've been the one Leng shot, not Trakes, just like she was the one who had to die on Virmire. Trakes, the better man and the N7. He was more useful to the galaxy, to Shepard, to the Alliance. Why was _she_ still breathing? Why wasn't she struggling for life when the better person was?

And there it was. Faintly, almost like it happened miles away. The grunt of pained surprise as Leng impaled Thane on his sword, and her head snapped up without pause. Right through the gut, straight out his back. A perfect kill.

Leng had only just retracted his sword when she was getting to her feet. She snatched her handgun from its place on the floor and gave chase despite Kaidan calling for her, sprinting down the stairs three at a time as he bounded down ahead of her. The landing zone was below, doors flung open wide. He was getting away. He was _faster_ than she was. Since when the hell could he outrun her? She had _always_ been faster than him. Stronger, smarter, exactly what the Illusive Man wanted. He'd been the second best to her, not the other way around.

But as he fled from her, she slowly realized that it had changed. Cerberus had improved upon the damage they'd already done to him. They made him a better tool, one capable of killing a target so efficiently that there'd be no stopping him.

Instead of stopping for one of the skycars parked in the lot, he ran straight for the ledge and leapt off the side just as her feet hit the floor. As she rushed to the railing, a car pulled up and away, and she pulled up short, opting to foolishly attempt at shooting it down. Shot after shot after shot, to no avail. All she managed to do was burn out the clip in the chamber and ruin the sidearm. Her hands throbbed beneath the heat as she released the gun and allowed it to clatter to the floor.

Only when she wasn't blinded by her own panic did she realize Thane had somehow managed to follow her after Leng, and was now slumped against the wall, his own pistol in hand. She straightened immediately, forcing herself to focus, as she helped him to the floor. The first thing she did was go for the medigel; that always worked. It would at least numb some of the pain and stop the flow of blood.

Except...Ashley didn't have any. She'd left the _Normandy_ so quickly she even forgot Javik existed, so absorbed in finding Shepard and making sure he was safe. She hadn't thought to stop for supplies, for anything other than ammo and her guns, and now she regretted it. Trakes was paying the price for how worried she was about Shepard. Now Thane was too, and it was their fault. _Her_ fault. She failed. Again. People were dying and she wasn't capable of stopping it. People she cared about.

It was like Eden Prime all over again. Her nausea grew and she was forced to bite her tongue as she tried to cover Thane's wounds until Kaidan could leave Trakes' side. She tried. Good lord did she try, but there was so much blood. She couldn't even figure out where the stab wound was past the sudden wave of dizziness washing over her.

"You're...bleeding," Thane whispered, almost as if he was able to read her thoughts.

It was the first time the injury even fully registered in her mind, but she just shook her head and focused on him. "It's not bad."

"It looks...bad," he panted.

"It's not bad," Ashley repeated, forceful this time, like she was trying to convince both of them that she was all right. She knew she wasn't, but this wasn't the time for him to worry about her. She wasn't the one that was falling unconscious—he was. She would heal in a matter of minutes. He wouldn't.

And when his eyelids fluttered, both sets, she panicked.

"Kaidan!" she shouted, desperate.

But it felt like a whisper as it left her lips. It felt soft in her throat, and Thane didn't even seem to be fazed by her shouting in his ear.

She couldn't feel anything anymore. Her arms were numb. Hands, fingers, everything, and she just couldn't keep pushing down on his stomach anymore. She had to sit back, breathe, recover. It was hard with all the blood. She was covered in it. She could _taste_ it, smell it. It was everywhere and every color under the sun. Blue, green, red, purple.

Her eyelids were heavy and she thought it wouldn't be too bad to close them, just for a second. _Just a second,_ she promised herself.

The last thing she saw was red blood pouring out of her chest.


	91. Chapter 91

**A/N** **: Ahh! It's a long one, I'm sorry! But hopefully it's good and feelsy like I intended, or at least fitting for the poor guy. Lemme know what y'all think, and thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

N7 training was supposed to prepare you for crises. It was supposed to make you the best of the best, and yet, Shepard felt like it was completely useless in the current situation. He'd had to improvise more than he ever had since joining the Alliance, and in front of the Council. He felt utterly ridiculous and foolish.

It might have felt manageable if comms weren't down. At the first sign of trouble, he had attempted to contact the _Normandy,_ attempted to get some goddamn assistance, and that had gone to shit just as quickly as the Presidium had. Then he'd tried Thane, and that failed just as miserably. He'd tried Ashley's omni-tool address, and even that hadn't worked. Garrus, Trakes, Vega, Liara, Javik, EDI. None of them answered him. He felt _abandoned._ Helpless.

But he was a Spectre, and he would be damned if he was letting Cerberus fuck up the only stabilizing force left in the galaxy. Cerberus had caused enough problems in the last three years.

He had spent the longest of times fighting just to get to the Tower, and then to the Councilors themselves. Most of that time had been spent without a gun; never had he ever been so glad to be a biotic. It saved his ass countless times, but it never really became useful until today. Cerberus hadn't been expecting him to make it past C-Sec's headquarters, so when he battered his way through their forces, it had come as a shock both to them and to the Council.

Shepard just hoped the executor would be capable of defending Councilor Valern. He'd admittedly dropped the ball on that one. Three Councilors were more important than one anyway, and he'd worked his ass off the last time he had to to save these people. One Councilor would be easier to replace than four in this chaos.

Though what, exactly, he was supposed to do now that he had them somewhere moderately safe was a mystery for the ages. Getting them to C-Sec was out of the question. That place was overrun before he had even escaped, and the Presidium was in no better condition. Since Shepard had found them, he just kept them moving. That had been the only option that he liked, but Councilor Tevos had _insisted_ that they return to her personal office, that there would be an entrance to the keeper tunnels.

Shepard should've expected it to be a load of horseshit, but he kept his comments to himself. The woman looked...horrified, to say the least. Her assistants were dead, killed mercilessly in Cerberus' mad rush to apprehend her, and it was becoming increasingly apparent that she most likely hadn't been military before becoming a Councilor.

But at least she could defend herself, which he started appreciating the moment trouble found them. While he leapt ahead to ram into a trooper, the Councilor had thrown the second member of the patrol into the wall and gave him the chance to finish them both off before they became a real problem.

"Never thought I'd be saved by a Councilor," he muttered as he rejoined them.

The door swooshed back shut as he jogged down the short set of stairs, returning his stolen handgun to his belt.

"What are we going to do?" Udina demanded. "We can't just stay in here forever! Eventually they'll find us!"

Shepard fixed the man with a heavy stare, pouring every once of his expertly concealed irritation into the glare. Unsurprisingly, Udina didn't back down from the challenge, and Shepard was forced to answer. "My crew will come for me. They'll know something's wrong."

"And what if they don't?"

"They will," he promised.

 _They better. I saved their asses enough times that they owe me._

But sitting around, waiting, wasn't something he was fond of. He was a soldier. He was trained to move, to go, to get something done, and waiting didn't typically fall in that category. Waiting was something for snipers, which he wasn't. He was a vanguard. Vanguards were supposed to run fearlessly into every battle, lead the charge, and there he was, sitting there like some pranced up politician...like, well, like Udina. The man was a spitting image of a pranced up politician.

So instead of wasting time, he got up from his seat on a desk and marched over to the door. Rather than allow anyone to waltz inside, he decided he could at least break the lock, make them work for it. Without warning, he charged up a burst of energy in his fist, and then drove it into the keypad. The holographic lock on the door fizzled and flashed, confused in the way only technology can be, before changing to red.

Satisfied, he returned to his spot. He dropped onto it gratefully, running his hand through his hair as an exhausted breath escaped from him. He might be trained for this shit, but he was still a human being, and humans had their limits. He was hitting his again, though that could be attributed to the injuries he was still recovering from. Bruised ribs, burns, a plethora of gunshot wounds. It was a wonder he was even walking, let alone beating people to death with his biotics.

 _Marines don't quit,_ he reminded himself. His father had told him that, right before he went off to his death, and he hadn't heard it again until Kaidan used that to drag him out of bed on numerous occasions. Shepard had been more of a...lazy soldier until he'd been assigned to the _Normandy_ SR-1. Captain Anderson was meant to straighten his ass out, and he had done exactly that...sort of. It wasn't Anderson directly influencing him, but more of the mission that had been dropped on him.

Humanity's first Spectre. Hero of the Skyllian Blitz. How he, the fuck-up brand of marine, had managed to pull that out of his ass still amazed him. "Full of potential," he'd been told, but lazy. He hadn't seen that side of himself in years. Saren forced him to mature faster than anything ever had. Shepard hadn't enjoyed that. Not one bit, but there's something about a potential galaxy-wide crisis that'll do that to a person.

"Where are these tunnels, Tevos?"

Shepard tried to tune out Udina's voice.

"It should've—"

"They're not here!" Udina shouted, furious, and Shepard pressed his fingers to his temples, sighing. "Tunnels don't just disappear! This is a trap!"

"My assistants—"

"Both of you, shut up," Shepard snapped. "If you keep yelling, you'll only make it easier for them to find us. Right now, we need to be patient. What's done is done and there's no changing that."

"Shepard's right," the turian Councilor, Sparatus, said. It was the first time he spoke since Shepard had gotten to them, and it definitely wasn't something he ever expected to hear out of the man's mouth. He had never agreed with Shepard before. He'd hardly ever acknowledged that the Council owed him their lives and he hadn't been happy to inform him that they were upholding his Spectre status.

But instead of arguing, Shepard simply nodded in thanks. Sparatus said nothing, did nothing in response, and the Commander was grateful. Made his life a bit easier.

Both Udina and Tevos caught on quickly enough, but it didn't do anything for them. Shepard could hear it outside, in the hallway. He could hear the sound of running feet, several pairs sprinting towards the Councilor's office. People calling out orders to one another. It was too fast for them to be responding to the shouting, and Shepard cursed himself for not shooting out the cameras when he'd had the chance.

So it was going to be his fault when they died. Fitting. It always seemed to work out that way.

He dropped to the floor as he pulled his gun from his belt, crossing around behind the desk he'd been sitting atop of. He kicked it over, did a quick recount of his remaining thermal clips, and fixed the Councilors with the hardest stare he could manage.

"Get down and stay down. Do. Not. Run. Do I make myself clear?"

Three simultaneous nods before their heads disappeared behind the nearest object. Tevos ducked behind a corner. Udina and Sparatus hid behind a couch. Shepard made mental notes of their positions so he could draw troopers away from them.

"The lock's jammed, sir," a garbled voice said.

"Then blow the door!"

 _Fuck this job._

He put himself at the edge of the desk nearest to the door to give himself the best view possible. He had to make sure none of those sword-wielding maniacs got in, or those idiots with the whips. But he could lead them on. Let a few troopers in, shoot them, and smash his way back out. That strategy typically worked. On a good day. If he was lucky.

Most of his plans and tactics don't work out, if he really thought about it. It wasn't a conclusion he wanted to reach right then.

The gunfire erupted the instant the door did. But for all the more bullets flying in his direction, something must've been wrong. Someone else must've gotten Cerberus' attention. And whoever it was, Shepard was beyond grateful.

He waited for the dust to settle before he rolled out of cover. Cerberus troopers were moving into the office for cover, but he didn't give them the chance. He tensed his muscles and leapt at the nearest, sending him back into the wall with enough force he heard something snap. The air was still crackling from his biotics when he shot another, who had been retreating towards Councilor Sparatus.

"Commander!"

Was that...Kaidan?

His head snapped up in time with his pistol, levelling on the chest of a centurion. The second his finger twitched, a flash of purple shot between them and caught the officer by the throat. He was wrenched off his feet as the cord snapped, smashed into the floor hard enough to splinter the glass.

He barely had the time to get into the hallway before he was greeted by two frantic, bloodied, marines, and relief flooded through him. He had even less time to recognize them before Ashley had an arm around him, hugging him so tightly he thought he might burst. Confused, but not any less pleased, Shepard returned the gesture as he fixed a stare on Kaidan. The man was wearing Cerberus armor, but looked about as concerned and desperate as Ashley's hug felt. Brows furrowed, amber eyes alight with a fair bit of scrutiny, inspecting him like Chakwas might after dragging himself to the med bay.

"Only good thing to come out of today," Ashley muttered as she released him.

Shepard drew his eyes away from Kaidan's stare to look at her, frowning. "What about K—"

"Kaidan's a work in progress," she interrupted. "It doesn't matter right now. Where's Udina?"

He jerked a thumb over his shoulder, but before he could even open his mouth, Ashley was pushing past to march into Tevos' office. To their credit, none of the Councilors moved until they saw Shepard hop back inside after her, at which point Sparatus edged out of cover and both Udina and Tevos stood. Kaidan followed a few seconds later, stopping a few inches behind Shepard to finger the coiled lash on his hip. He was nervous.

"Shep—"

Udina was cut off with an elbow to the temple before he was forced to bend over a table. It happened too fast for Shepard to stop her, but as soon as Ashley's hand went for her gun, he leapt across the room to catch her wrist.

"What the hell are you doing?" he demanded.

She looked irritated, though it wasn't an unfamiliar expression from her. Ashley typically _was_ annoyed by something, whether it was him or another thing totally different.

"Udina's the one behind this, Shepard," Kaidan said softly. "He organized the attack on the Citadel so he could overthrow the Council and hand control over to Cerberus."

The man in question sputtered, coughed up blood, and Shepard instinctively pulled his hand away from the Councilor's face. Ashley didn't seem fazed in the least by the red liquid coating her hand, but she had her hardsuit on. She wouldn't be washing blood out from under her nails like he would.

"Would you really trust people who've worked with Cerberus before?" Udina sputtered.

Ashley had caught Udina with a Cerberus operative shortly before Kaidan had been captured, and he knew her well enough to know this wasn't something she'd lie about. Little things, yes, but this? No.

And Kaidan? Kaidan was...well, Kaidan. He had no reason not to trust him. Shepard still wasn't quite sure it _was_ Kaidan standing there, it had all happened so fast. He wasn't even sure this was actually happening. Too fast, too little time to process, but if Ashley trusted him, then Shepard could.

But unlike him, the other Councilors wouldn't have any reason to. If he let Ashley shoot him now, she'd be arrested as soon as they had the chance.

Shepard sighed. "Is this what Councilor Valern wanted to see me about?"

Ashley just frowned and looked to Kaidan, who nodded. "Udina's been moving large sums of credits to Cerberus accounts."

"This is the asshole who got Kaidan captured," Ashley snapped. "And the dumbass who didn't think it'd be a big deal if he let me walk away alive _after_ I caught him meeting with one of the Illusive Man's agents. How in God's name could you even think he might be telling you the truth?"

"Politicians lie," Kaidan said flatly.

"You don't think Valern lied to you?"

Ashley snatched her hand free of Shepard's grasp, drew her pistol, and had the barrel buried in Udina's temple in less than a second. "One more word and I'll gladly get thrown in prison."

"Who'll be paying for this if you do that?" Shepard snapped. "Not him. Drop the damn gun, Ash, and let the Council decide what to do with him."

It took several moments, him watching for any twitch of her finger, for her to release Udina, at which point she fixed him with a glare before shifting the look to the politician. Once she was satisfied, she returned to the doorway with Kaidan; Shepard didn't miss the brief flash of pain written across her features as she jumped up the steps, but he dismissed it quickly.

"We need to move," he said.

"C-Sec is clear for now," Kaidan said from his new position. "We cleared it on the way here."

" _They_ cleared it, Kaidan," Ashley snapped, "not us."

Shepard frowned again. "Who?"

"It doesn't matter," she repeated.

He shook his head, sighing, and waved the three Councilors after him as he started for the door. Kaidan was waiting patiently just inside the office, but Ashley was already halfway down the hall, pacing, with her pistol in hand.

Shepard turned to his fellow biotic. Regardless of the hardsuit the man was wearing, Kaidan had always been the more level headed of the two, and he was usually the easier one to talk to. Kaidan would let Shepard rant about whatever he wanted to, gave his input, and just kept listening. Ashley would just argue if she didn't agree.

Two polar opposites. He didn't understand how they tolerated each other.

"Anything I should know about?" he asked.

Kaidan hesitated, glanced at Ashley. Shepard arched a brow expectantly as the biotic swallowed, and then nodded. "Kai Leng is here. He attacked us when we got to Valern, and..." He hesitated again, scratched the back of his head. "He shot Trakes and stabbed a drell. The guy who helped you with the Collectors, I think. Thane. Ash was hurt too, but..." He trailed off. "Garrus and Vega waited with them for C-Sec while we came here."

Shepard gulped. "How are they?"

Kaidan shook his head helplessly. "Trakes might recover. I used all of my medigel on him to stop the bleeding. Thane, though...I don't honestly know, Commander. Leng got him in the gut and he'd already lost a lot of blood by the time I got to him. It depends on how quickly they got him to the hospital." All he could do was nod. He felt numb.

Leng was here. He was killing his friends, his family. And he was betting he was going to come after the Council.

"What about Ash?"

"She was shot," he said simply. "She was out when I got to her, but back up almost as soon as I touched her. It was a fight and a half to get her to let me wrap her wound. She was, uh, a little worried. About you, I mean." He shifted uncomfortably and nodded seemingly at nothing. "She'll need medical attention from a real doctor once we get out of here."

"And Leng?"

"He's coming for the Council."

Shepard sighed, but nodded. "Then let's get them out of here."

Kaidan's expression hardened. "Right behind you."

* * *

After motioning for the others to stop, Shepard snuck around the corner in a crouch to join Ashley behind one of the courtyard's planters. She flicked her eyes over to him briefly, and then looked away, peering past the tree above them.

"You think it's safe?" she asked, eyes still focused elsewhere.

"No."

"I meant with Udina," she snapped. "Bringing him with us. He'll shoot us in the back if he gets the chance and you know it."

"You can't go around killing everyone that does something wrong," Shepard retorted.

"Maybe not, but this is the kind of situation you do," Ashley whispered back furiously. "It's his fault Kaidan's like...like _that_ and it's his fault so many people died. He's the one that brought Cerberus here, Shepard. Either he's indoctrinated, or Cerberus bought him off, or something, but he's not someone you lock up."

"You don't understand."

"What am I missing?" she demanded, head whipping around to face him. "I'm an adult, _Kyler,_ and I don't need you protecting me like I'm a damsel in distress. I'm willing to be slapped in a prison cell if it means men like Udina rot in hell."

"Willing or not, we need you on the ship."

Her eyes narrowed. "Everyone needs me, or just you?"

Shepard tore his eyes away from hers, forcing the argument to the back of his mind. This wasn't something they needed to fight about at all, let alone out here, where they had a crazed Cerberus soldier chasing them.

"Are we clear?" he asked.

"For the time being," Ashley said, tone flat.

He nodded. "Head down to the fountain. We'll meet you there."

"Yes, sir."

She went to roll to her feet, but Shepard caught her arm. He gave her the sternest look he could manage as he said, "Be careful. Don't do anything stupid."

Her only answer was to nod, and then she was gone, leaving Shepard to return for the three Councilors and Kaidan. He met them halfway, waving Kaidan on towards him as they jogged. Getting Tevos and Sparatus somewhere safe was the priority; once that was accomplished, Ashley could argue with him until she was blue in the face for all he cared. He wasn't going to let her kill Udina without cause.

As Shepard led them down the stairs to the elevators, he vaguely recalled Ashley's comments about how they would probably make good defensive positions, and remembered how hellish it had been to get up to Saren when his geth had control of the station. He was suddenly glad she and Kaidan had been able to take care of the resistance in the chamber; they might've been moving down instead of up, but he imagined it would still be a pain in the ass.

They moved as fast as he dared, only rejoining their scout when he had decided it was safe on both ends. Ashley stood from her place behind the fountain, softly gurgling as the water recycled itself at an easy rate, and he remembered the last time the three of them had stood here together. Garrus had been here as well, arguing with his boss about his investigation into Saren, while they waited to pass.

Shepard wished life were still that simple.

"I think we made it," Kaidan said, relieved.

Shepard almost agreed, but Ashley cut in with her realism, and he just sighed again.

"We still have to get out of here," she said.

And despite how much he wanted to bask in their small victory with Alenko, Ashley had a point. They weren't out of this yet. Not quite.

"It won't be long," Shepard decided, going for his usual mediator route. It was better than letting them get into their own argument, but they never had before. It was like Ashley only ever wanted to fight with him, and he wasn't sure if he should be honored or annoyed.

Kaidan started to speak, but the words hardly had a chance to form. He was cut off by an ear-splitting shriek, one so loud it threatened to deafen the six of them. It rivaled the thunderous roars Reapers gave off as they prepared to fire their cannons, but it was high enough in pitch that it felt like a wheeze in his throat, making his ears ring and his eyes water. Shepard tried covering his ears, but it had little effect, and almost—if it were even possible—made it worse.

By the time it stopped, Shepard had fallen to his knees. He wanted to curl in on himself and block out the rest of the world, pretend that he was the only thing to ever have existed. His head pounded with such a force that it felt in sync with his heartbeat, and it made him sick.

But he was a soldier, and he wasn't going to stop until he physically couldn't carry on.

"Is everyone all right?" Shepard asked, holding a hand to his forehead. His voice echoed in his skull, down his spine. It was an odd sensation and even though it was the only time he'd experienced it, he already hated it.

Without even meaning to, he looked for Ashley first, who was sitting on the floor with her head between her knees, shaking. The Councilors were in varied states of confused panic, but somehow managing to be calm at the same time, and Kaidan was simply glaring at the floor.

He looked between the two of them, tried to gauge which was in a less volatile state. Kaidan looked to be the calmer of the two, but Shepard was familiar with the way Ashley dealt with things, and he understood. His fingers had only brushed across her shoulder when she was leaning into the touch, and he let out a breath of relief.

"You're okay?" he whispered.

"Yeah, just... Yeah." She forced a smile for his benefit and he returned the gesture before standing back up. He offered her a hand, and after staring at it for a few seconds, she accepted the help up. "Thanks."

"Not a problem."

Ashley started to apologize almost as soon as he told her not to, but then she was shouting for everyone to get down, knocking them both to the floor as she did so. They'd barely hit it when he caught sight of a dagger sailing overhead, and his blood boiled.

The dagger was lost from view as a black-haired man leapt to the ground from the walkway. He was wearing a skintight hardsuit with an orange Cerberus logo planted right over the v of his collarbone and a visor that covered his eyes, only showing two narrow slivers of light. A sword was strapped to his back and a pistol was holstered at his hip.

Shepard was reaching for his handgun when he said, "Keep them busy."

He got to his knees and brought his gun up, centering it on Leng's chest, when something snapped off his shoulders. It tore through his uniform and bit into his skin, sending little jolts of energy through him. He grit his teeth as he turned, whipping around to shoot his attacker when he locked eyes with them.

Kaidan.

"What are you doing?" he shouted.

The whip flashed again, but before it could hit him, Ashley pushed him back out of the way. The wound on his back screamed in protest as he fell. It felt like a burn and a gash all in one, heat searing through his body as Kaidan's whip latched onto her wrist. He pulled and she cried out, but didn't give as easily as the Cerberus troopers had. She wrapped her fingers around the cord and pulled him off his feet even as she collapsed.

"Protect the Councilors," Shepard ordered. "I'll deal with Kaidan." She started to protest, pushing herself upright again as she favored her arm. "Just do it!"

Once they managed to recover, Ashley shoved her handgun into Shepard's fist and ran towards the elevator, urging Tevos and Sparatus after her. She leapt a body and stole its weapon—Councilor Udina. He had a combat knife buried in his chest and blood pooling beneath him.

Shepard wasn't surprised the Illusive Man ordered his death. He wasn't one to share power.

But that left the two of them. Leng was nowhere to be seen; Shepard hoped that meant he was gone for good. He couldn't worry about a knife in the back while trying to talk Kaidan down.

He turned back to his friend, who had lost his whip to Ashley. Kaidan's fist was glowing as he charged his biotics, and even at that distance, Shepard could feel the energy pouring from him. It was intimidating, but he was ready for it. The Alliance had trained him for biotic-on-biotic combat, and if he couldn't talk Kaidan down, he'd be ready for it.

"Kaidan, listen to me! This isn't you!"

Barely a glance, but he could see the difference. His soft amber eyes were now bright gold, dangerous, angry. It was unnerving.

"Cerberus is controlling you! They're using you—"

"The Alliance used me!" Kaidan retorted. "You used me!"

"I chose you over the woman I love. Doesn't that mean anything to you? You're my family!"

"Would you choose me now?"

Shepard swallowed. He wouldn't. He _couldn't._ Ashley had meant the world to him before and he left her to die. It killed him inside, made him resolve to start focusing on what _he_ thought was important rather than what the Alliance did. It made him standoffish, nastier, but it gave him backbone even as he suffered from the decision Virmire had given him.

He swore to himself he'd never lose her again. He promised her sister when she'd been on the _Normandy_ that he'd keep her safe.

"I'm going to take that as a no," Kaidan decided.

His fist crackled as he threw the ball of energy at Shepard. It connected with his chest, pulled at his muscles and made him feel empty as it lifted him from the floor. His skin tingled with his own biotics, mixing with Kaidan's so thoroughly that he felt...entirely off, but when he wrangled himself to the ground again, it left him feeling recharged. Kaidan was preparing to throw him this time, but Shepard jumped across the room first. His charge was met with a wall of resistance and it brought him to an abrupt, painful stop as a fist was buried in his gut. His already injured ribs gave and he screamed as Kaidan threw him to the floor.

Shepard fought back pained tears as he struggled to his feet again. His back was on fire and his sides could barely support him, but he got up, anyway. He was a Spectre. He _refused_ to allow this man to kill the Councilors.

Kaidan had since stalked past to retrieve his biotic lash, snapping it once as he recharged it. His eyes didn't leave the sparking cord as he spoke. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I really, really am, but you're standing between us and a victory against the Reapers you can't understand."

"You're my _brother,_ Kaidan," Shepard said, raising his pistol to his chest. He thanked every deity in existence for allowing him to keep hold of the weapon. "Don't make me do this."

"You were my brother once, too," Kaidan said softly.

The whip cracked as it flew forward, wrapping around his forearm as Kaidan pulled him off his feet. He was yanked towards the other biotic, but as the whip released its hold on him, he fell back onto the floor. Kaidan was there a moment later, stepping on the knob of his spine at the base of his neck. Past his yelp of pain, he heard Kaidan pull back the kick on his handgun.

"Shepard!" Laced with terror, panic, every emotion his pain-addled brain could think of. He had to force his eyes open, and he barely caught sight of Kaidan's whip lashing out again for Ashley. She had another pistol, though he didn't know how she got it, and it was aimed at Kaidan. Before she could pull the trigger, the cord caught her arm as it flared with renewed force. She cried out as the gun fell from her hand, and Shepard wanted to curse, but he couldn't find the energy.

They were both going to die. All he could think of was how glad he'd be to be the first to go. He didn't think he'd be able to watch Kaidan kill her. He didn't want to, couldn't. It was weak and pathetic, especially for a marine, but he was still a person. He wasn't going to be perfect.

A meaty thwack surfaced over the sounds of the fountain and Kaidan's whip. He thought it was Kaidan's bullet piercing his skull, his brain. He thought it was his own death, but when he kept breathing and when the pain kept flowing, he looked up.

There was a knife embedded in Kaidan's throat. It was the same one that had been in Udina's chest, the same one Ashley grabbed before running off with the two Councilors. Blood was squirting around the grip; Kaidan was gurgling, choking on his own blood, as he stepped off Shepard's back. Fell. It wasn't pretty.

He pushed himself to his knees, then slowly to his feet. His mind was swirling with worry, fear, regret. He should go to her first. He should. She saved his life, but all he could do was lock a hand around Kaidan's pistol. He'd stopped coughing, crying, and had given in to his death, but Shepard still put a bullet in his head. He had to be sure. He _had_ to. He wasn't in any state to keep fighting and he wasn't going to rely on Ashley to save his ass again.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

He was. He truly was. But it wasn't the place to break down and let go.

It never was, not for Commander Shepard. But when Ashley did, he didn't tell her to stop. She eventually edged her way over to him, arm wrapped around her stomach in the most shielded stance he'd ever seen on her, and then collapsed against his chest. It hurt them both, him physically and her emotionally, but she did it anyway, and he allowed it. She cried and he held her, unsure of what to say. He was just as lost and broken as she was.

For once, Shepard had no idea what they were supposed to do.


	92. Chapter 92

**A/N** **: A large portion of this chapter was originally intended to be part of the last, but chapter 91 is long enough as it is, so I cut it out for this one. If it comes off as a little clunky, that's why, and I apologize! Thanks for reading!**

* * *

It was a fight just to remember how he'd gotten back on the _Normandy,_ let alone remember much of what happened. His ears were ringing and he hurt everywhere. Headache, ribs, back, arms. Opening his eyes was painful enough to make him squeeze them back shut, but it was too late. Someone was already _screaming_ for Chakwas to come check on him, that he was awake, and all he wanted to do was throttle them. He just wanted to sleep and forget what he could remember.

"Commander? Shepard?"

His head protested with his eyes, but he forced them back open, groaning at the brightness of the overhead lights. He barely had the chance to focus his vision when he was already trying to sit up, but a blue hand caught him by the chest and stopped him. He followed the arm it was connected to back up to a shoulder, to a face, and despite himself, relief flooded through his body.

Liara was okay.

"How are you feeling?" Chakwas asked as he laid back down. "What hurts?"

"Everything," he grumbled, sounding much like a petulant child.

"Can you be sp—"

"What _doesn't_ hurt?"

Ashley. He couldn't see her, but she sounded fine, and that was a step up from what he could remember. He remembered walking on each other, the railings, until C-Sec finally dragged them to a hospital. How that got him back in the _Normandy's_ med bay eluded him, but it happened, and he was glad. He didn't like being prodded at by doctors; Chakwas, however, he could tolerate. He knew her and she was his friend.

"My legs," he decided.

"All right, well that narrows down the list," Chakwas said sarcastically. She typed something into her datapad before returning to her desk. Ashley had been seated behind her, on a chair, and while Shepard had expected her to be in a similar position to his own, she looked little more than roughed up. Chakwas had her in a sleeveless shirt so she could get to her arms and shoulders, which seemed to be the focus of Ashley's injuries.

"How long was I out?" Shepard asked.

"A few days," Liara answered. "I've been here with you while Ashley did...whatever it is she does."

"Liara's been awake since they brought you down here," Ashley chimed in, sounding surprisingly _glad,_ like she'd actually been worried about the asari. "I was...uh...nevermind."

Shepard glanced between the two as they glared at each other and frowned. "Something wrong?"

"No," they said simultaneously.

He got the distinct feeling that something was, in fact, wrong, but he didn't have it in him to argue. Not right now.

A subject change would be better, and he found one almost instantly. He directed his gaze back to Ashley's distant stare past his head rather than Liara's friendly and yet somehow sad smile. She looked like she was deep in thought, but he interrupted it anyway. She could always ignore him if she really didn't care. She was good at doing it on any other occasion.

"Are you all right?"

She blinked and sat back in her chair, frowning at him. "Yeah, I'm fine."

He gestured at her right arm, covered from the fingertips to her collarbone in gauze, and set in a sling. "You don't look like it."

Defensive. He could see it in her eyes. He wanted to groan; he _hated_ when she got defensive.

"Sorry I can't dodge everything," she snapped. "I'm not perfect, you know."

"Is that from him?" Shepard asked carefully. Her eyes widened and he had to swallow past a lump in his throat to continue. "From Kaidan? His whip, or whatever it was."

Ashley nodded as she looked back down at her hands, and he looked back towards the window across the med bay. Liara's hand found his shoulder again, resting on it in the most reassuring way she could manage. Her touch was soft, gentle, and he sighed, relaxing into the too soft pillow under his head.

"He's dead, then," Shepard said. It was supposed to come out as a question, but it came out as a statement instead.

"I'm sorry," she muttered.

Shepard just shook his head as he squeezed his eyes shut. "Don't be. You did what you had to do."

The way she said, "If you say so, sir" made him think this wouldn't be the last time they talked about it. There was no way it would be, and he'd be foolish to hope otherwise. Now just wasn't the time. Not with Chakwas and Liara crowding around them, not with multiple pairs of eyes listening in.

"Thane's gone, too," Ashley said softly. Shepard almost jumped, eyes snapping open as he looked back to her. "Leng got him through the gut. He lost too much blood by the time they got him to the hospital and he couldn't get enough oxygen in for a transfusion to help." She paused to take a shaky breath. "The last thing he did was pray for you."

"You were there?" Shepard asked, and she just shook her head.

"I was with Trakes," she admitted. He watched her fist clench, and he realized despite how...bland her relationship with the drell had been, she would rather have been there for him. "Kolyat told me. I don't know how he knew who I was, but he did. He wanted you to know."

"And Trakes? How's he doing?"

"He's fine. I've been leaving him in command while I...helped...the Council." Shepard barely had the chance to frown when she was already rushing to cover up what seemed to be a slip. "Hackett asked me to. He knows I have experience with Cerberus operations and—"

He waved a hand as quickly as he could manage, cutting her off. "What aren't you telling me?" Liara and Ashley exchanged looks again, but the latter looked away, seemingly ashamed of something, so he reverted his gaze to the asari. "What is it?"

"Admiral Hackett pushed for an immediate replacement of Kaidan's Spectre status," Liara said. "The Council agreed on the grounds it would be good for the Alliance's morale and when they asked for a candidate..."

She trailed off, and Shepard's eyes widened as she nodded to the mute marine beside him.

"They want to make you a Spectre?"

Ashley nodded slowly, visibly upset, and said, "I tried saying no. I swear I did, but—"

He cut her off again. "You deserve it." Her mouth opened and closed several times, and then she was up, heading straight for the door so abruptly he didn't have the chance to call her back. All he could do was watch, and once she was gone, he groaned. "Now what did I do?"

"I think she was hoping you'd disapprove," Liara said.

"Why would I? I already told her about this weeks ago."

"Hackett wants to reassign her," Chakwas answered. Both Shepard and Liara snapped their gazes to the doctor. "What? She's in the med bay more often than either of you. She talks."

"Why would she be reassigned?" he demanded, dread pooling in his stomach. Not _now._ Hackett couldn't do this to them so soon. He'd just lost Kaidan, Thane, and Mordin. He couldn't lose Ashley, too. Had someone caught them getting too friendly? Had they been reported?

"He thinks her skills could be put to use elsewhere."

"But there's Reaper tech in her head! She... They might... She could be indoctrinated for all we know! Cerberus could take advantage of her!"

Chakwas shook her head. "I've already concluded that she is free from risks."

" _What?_ How? How the hell do you stop someone from getting indoctrinated?" he snapped. "How do you get rid of mental conditioning?"

Chakwas stood from her desk and returned to Shepard's side, again blocking his view of the door and the rest of the med bay. "I think this is something best discussed with our mutual friend."

Shepard groaned in annoyance, opening his mouth to protest, but he was interrupted. Chakwas had stuck a hand under his back, and with surprising strength, sat him up roughly. He yelped in pain, flabbergasted at her directness, while she subjected him to what was sure to be a plethora of invasive procedures.

* * *

It felt like torture sitting through Chakwas' tests and examinations, but he was free. Shepard wasn't sure what to do with himself aside from getting into a clean uniform, though he did eventually end up in the lounge on the portside of the ship. He felt more than a little lost, having to wait for his transmission with Admiral Hackett to go through, being confined to the ship due to his injuries.

He felt helpless. Again. He hated that feeling with a passion.

So instead of suffering through it (even though he knew he'd have to eventually), he broke out the _Normandy's_ hard liquor and sat to drink. It was better than thinking of what-ifs, trying to find ways Kaidan could've possibly been saved, or wondering how in hell Leng had bested the most efficient assassin in the galaxy.

By the time someone had joined him, Shepard had lost count of how many shots he'd taken, but the bottle was running a little low. Unfortunately, he was barely feeling a buzz, and it wasn't enough to take his mind off his worries.

"Drinking alone, eh?" Trakes asked, sliding onto the stool beside him. A little groan of pain left his lips and Shepard twisted to fix him with a concerned look, brows furrowing. "I'm fine."

Shepard just shrugged and returned to his empty glass. Trakes watched him silently for a few seconds, and then stood, marched behind the island, and pulled out several matching glasses before depositing them on the counter. When Shepard arched a brow quizzically, Trakes held up a finger as he snapped open his omni-tool. The lieutenant quickly typed something off, eyes never leaving Shepard's.

Impatient, he demanded, "What are you doing?"

"Something for Kaidan," Trakes said without hesitation, "and Thane."

Shepard huffed irritably, but relented. He didn't know what could be done for the dead, but if there was something Trakes wanted to do, he'd allow it.

Inside of five minutes, the lounge was filled by most of Shepard's team members. Javik had adamantly refused to show because, according to Trakes, drinking was forbidden in the Prothean Empire and he wasn't about to start now. James had said something about how the damn man was a buzz kill, and then promptly dropped himself on a sofa. Garrus and Liara had taken spots on either side of Shepard, leaving Trakes and Vega to the couches.

"All right," Trakes said, interrupting a conversation Garrus and Liara were having behind Shepard's head, "I'm gonna guess this is everyone, so let's get to it."

"I still don't know what the hell it is we're doing," Shepard grumbled.

"Gettin' there, boss," he said, cracking a small smile. It didn't fade even though it looked like he was trying to muster up the courage to continue. "Before I became an N7, my squad had this thing we'd do a couple days after one of our friends died. I know it's something people do after funerals, or at least humans, but I doubt we're gonna get the chance to do it when it's appropriate, so I decided we'd do it now, while we're on lockdown." Trakes stood as he spoke, passed out drinks—not without replacing Shepard's shot with a real glass. "Anyway, we'd head out for drinks and spend the night just...talking. About our friend. The good memories, things we were grateful to them for, y'know, stuff like that."

"Honoring the dead," Garrus summed up.

Trakes nodded once. "There ya go."

Shepard was frowning. "Are you sure it's really appropriate—"

"We're in the middle of a war we can't escape," Trakes said. "There might not be a better time."

"Look at you, thinking ahead," Garrus quipped. "Never seen that before."

He laughed. "It's not your job to give me shit, Vakarian, but nice try." Trakes glanced at Shepard in time to catch the disapproving glare he was giving him, and suddenly he needed a drink. Badly. He gulped down his liquor in about two seconds flat, and then said, "Who wants to go first?" When no one spoke up, he sighed as he dropped back onto the sofa. "I guess I will. Maybe it'll make easier for the rest of you."

Trakes took his time refilling his glass before he sat back to get comfortable. The longer he waited, the more Shepard felt like this was a waste of time, and the more he wanted to take his bottle up to his cabin to be left alone.

"Okay, so," Trakes started, and Shepard resigned himself to his evening, "when I first met Kaidan, he read me through my file. My _own file._ Like I wouldn't know my own background or something, but he did it. When he finished..."

Shepard started tuning him out to rest his elbows on the bar. He zoned out as his eyes glazed over to lock on a distant point somewhere under his feet, past the floor panels, past the _Normandy_ itself, past the arms of the Citadel. He wasn't sure where he was looking, but he couldn't listen to this. Not so soon. _They_ might've had time to come to terms with Kaidan's death, but _he_ hadn't. _He_ had barely been up for a few hours; that wasn't nearly enough time to fully decompress, let alone get it through his head that his friends were gone.

But Trakes' story had struck a nerve. Kaidan had done something similar with him when they'd first met as well. Granted, it hadn't been an interrogation like it had probably been with Trakes, but Alenko had been prepared when he boarded the SR-1. He knew as much about Commander Shepard as most people had, and then some. To most Alliance personnel, Shepard was an infallible marine, the first human Spectre, and, according to James, larger than life. Kaidan, however, had known all the gritty details when he'd been reassigned. The fact that he had been sent to multiple therapists after Elysium, that he'd devoted himself to his N training once his squad had been slaughtered. Every little failure, Kaidan had known, and had willingly admitted to.

 _"Sounds like you've done your homework, Lieutenant."_

 _"No, sir. I just wanted to get a feel for how you worked."_

He swallowed, refocused his sight as a sound cut into his thoughts. Garrus was talking now, something about Thane and their mutual love of sniper rifles, but he stopped at the sound of the door opening as well. Ashley was standing slightly inside the room, eyes fixated on Shepard, and an uncomfortable silence began to drag.

"I was wondering if you got my message," Trakes said abruptly.

"Yeah, sorry," Ashley said, heading for the side of the couch furthest from James.

"Where were you?" Shepard asked, not at all curious, but now suspicious. In the last few hours, he'd managed to convince himself she really was to blame for Kaidan's death, and he'd been surprisingly proud of himself for it.

She paused, caught his stare again. "Checking on my family."

He just stared in response, sulking. Shepard was enjoying his chance to feel sorry for himself and he wasn't about to waste it when he knew he was just being stupid.

"They're glad you're okay," she continued as she sat.

That was when he realized she knew what he was thinking. She knew _exactly_ what was going through his head as he glared, and she was using it against him. Digging herself deeper under his skin, and how well it worked was absolutely infuriating.

When he didn't respond, Ashley returned her gaze to Trakes and forced a smile. "Anyway?"

"Anyway," Trakes agreed, steering the conversation in a more comfortable direction. In the last few seconds, a relaxed atmosphere had quickly tensed to the point that the air felt as if it could be cut with a knife. "We were just talking about Kaidan and Thane. Remembering them."

Shepard turned from the little gathering to refill his glass before settling in to glare around the room. It wasn't lost on Liara _or_ Ashley, the former of which gave him a concerned look, but the latter returned the irritated gaze when it fell on her.

 _This is unfair,_ he reminded himself.

But he didn't care. For now, he had decided her guilt, and he wasn't going to bother thinking otherwise until the alcohol got out of his system. Ashley killed Kaidan, and she knew he was blaming her for it.

Shepard couldn't care less.


	93. Chapter 93

**A/N** **: Sorry in advance for how short this chapter is; it's just Shepard and Ash talking about things. And I promise the next chapter will explain the reasons Chakwas cleared Ashley. It didn't fit anywhere I tried to put it.**

 **Thanks for reading! You guys are awesome!**

* * *

It had taken hours for his friends to clear out. Vega had been the first to go, but he'd left early on; he didn't know Thane at all, and he'd only spoken with Kaidan on brief occasions before, all about how Shepard was doing while he was incarcerated. Liara had followed shortly thereafter, giggling but otherwise all right, and Garrus had gone with her. He'd been left with Trakes and Ashley for quite a while, but Trakes eventually headed for the crew quarters to pass out for the night, and he found part of himself hoping, _praying,_ that Ashley would go with him.

Shepard hated fighting with her, and as the alcohol had slowly drained its affects, he'd mellowed out. He had even joined the conversation about halfway through the evening, shared a couple stories about nights he'd had out with Kaidan and Garrus after Saren had been defeated. If anything, he only did it in a weird sort of way to apologize to Trakes for his being an ass—all he had been trying to do was help, and Shepard had let the liquor do the talking for him.

It hadn't taken long for Ashley to pick up on it, stubborn, persistent little shit that she was. She'd dropped the attitude almost as quickly as it had come, and as soon as she relaxed, Trakes felt safer engaging Shepard in the conversations. It had set off half-drunk, jealous, warning bells, but the rational part of his mind had stifled it before he let loose. Shepard had never been more grateful for his iron constitution in his entire life; they didn't need to go around screaming at each other. It was disrespectful to both Kaidan and Thane, to what Trakes was trying to do.

The lounge was quiet for a while longer. Shepard didn't feel like trying to talk, and Ashley seemed content to lay about the sofa and stare out the window to watch the C-Sec shuttles. The silence wasn't anywhere near their norm, but the tension had faded, and they weren't actively glaring at each other; Shepard would take it as a win.

He was just starting to get comfortable with it when Ashley spoke up.

"You all right?"

Shepard glanced at his glass of water then shrugged. "As okay as I can get." He heard her shifting around behind him before dropping onto the stool beside him. "What about you?" Her only answer was a tired shrug of her good arm, and he sighed. "I'm sorry. About earlier."

Ashley shook her head. "Don't be. If I deserve anything, it's that."

"What are you—" He frowned as he struggled to remember anything past the fog that was clouding the earlier hours of the night, but he got it. She was talking about their conversation in the med bay. "Oh." Shepard swallowed a mouthful of water, enjoying the cool feel of it running down his throat, enjoying the calmness that had washed over the room. It felt good to actually relax, though one glance to his right told him that Ashley wasn't feeling the same. Her shoulders were tense and she was drumming her fingers impatiently off the island, agitated.

"Is it really bothering you that much?" he blurted.

"Wouldn't it bother you?" Ashley snapped. " _I_ killed _Kaidan._ This is the same guy who pulled me aside the instant we dragged you back to the med bay on Eden Prime and asked if _I_ was okay. I'd barely said three words to him that weren't centered around you, and he was worried about me. And I _killed_ him. Like it was nothing. I didn't even stop to think about using that knife to cut the cord. I just...killed him."

"You did what you thought was right," Shepard said. "I would've done the same in your position."

She shook her head again, disappointed, but calm once more. "No... No, you would've thought of something else. You'd have talked him down and we wouldn't be in this position."

 _Except I tried to,_ he thought, bitterness creeping up on him. "It wouldn't have worked. There was no talking him down."

"What do you mean? You've talked me out of it more—"

"There's a difference," he said. "You, you're not aware of it. Kaidan was. He knew what he was doing and he wasn't stopping. You saved him from having to live with that."

"But—"

That time, she cut herself off with a defeated sigh. Shepard glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, and then reached for her hand. When she didn't pull away, he folded his fingers through hers and looked away, allowing their hands to sit on the table between them.

"How do you live with it?" she asked abruptly.

He frowned. "With what?"

"With knowing two people are dead because you didn't try to stop it." He didn't answer at first, and for the first time in years, she couldn't seem to stop talking. "You might not want to blame me for Kaidan, or maybe you do, I don't know, but Thane's death was my fault. I knew he was sick, and I let him go after Leng. I was so concerned about Trakes that I allowed Thane to run to his death."

"You think he would've stayed in the hospital if he was worried about dying?" Shepard retorted. "Cerberus is going to get what they deserve, but I need you focused on the rest of the world right now. You can't do that if you're busy blaming yourself."

"Do you think it's my fault?"

He inhaled deeply as he squeezed his eyes shut, but shook his head. "No, I don't. I've been with you long enough to know it was Cerberus' doing." Shepard paused, swallowed. "I wanted to blame you, but I'm not going to." He could feel her eyes on the side of his head, feel the confused frown, and he turned, forcing a reassuring smile. "I'm on your side, Ash, but I need you on mine, all right?"

She nodded numbly as she looked away, visibly swallowing, and he smiled to himself, satisfied. He knew she wasn't about to stop thinking it was her fault—he wouldn't, either, and didn't expect her to—but he wanted to make sure she'd be able to focus when it mattered. There would be a time to let Cerberus piss them off, but it wasn't now. They had a war to fight.

"So," he started.

"So."

"Spectre status, huh? Wounded arm and all?"

Ashley snorted. "Unfortunately. Didn't I tell you to stop me from doing that?"

He quirked the corner of his mouth up for both of their benefits. He needed to smile, and she needed the encouragement. For such a stubborn woman, she was surprisingly doubtful. It had taken an embarrassing amount of time for him to realize the confidence she exuded was simply a face. Before she'd died, it hadn't been, and he'd been jealous. She had been sure of herself from the get-go, knew exactly where she stood in life, and wasn't afraid to make sure everyone knew. He was the exact opposite; he second guessed himself constantly, and it hadn't gone away when Cerberus brought him back.

Now they shared it, the self-doubt. Him because it was just the way his brain worked, Ashley because as much as she'd deny it, she was still trying to figure out who _she_ was. Shepard was just glad Cerberus hadn't left him with an identity crisis too.

"A while ago, when you were a mess," Shepard said.

"I'm still a mess."

"You think they'd have offered if they thought you were?"

"I don't think they would've offered if Hackett hadn't demanded it."

He arched a brow and smirked at her again. "See? Hackett has some faith."

"I'm glad someone does," she grumbled, sighing. "I'm still afraid the Illusive Man will pull some trick out of his ass to get me back on his side. He thinks he can still use me even though I've gone through every possible way to get out of it and he's so sure of himself that he had Udina pushing to make me a Spectre months ago. What if he's right? What if he _can_ find a way to use me?"

"Then we worry about it when it happens," Shepard said flatly, shrugging. "Right now, just be proud of yourself. For five seconds. Seriously. It's not that hard. You impressed both the Council and Alliance Command enough that they decided to make you a Spectre."

She huffed, but there was a smile stuck to her lips. A small one, but it was there.

"Did you tell your family?"

"My mom cried," she said, nodding with a snort of laughter.

"What about your sisters? What did they think?"

"Sarah's proud. Abby's not...thrilled. She wants me to stay on the _Normandy_ because she thinks it's safer."

He frowned as reality hit. He'd been told Hackett wanted to reassign her. Ashley had looked him in the eye earlier and told him herself. Hackett thought it was a waste of resources to have both of humanity's Spectres on the same ship, doing the same missions, same assignments. If he hadn't just lost Kaidan and Thane, Shepard might've been inclined to agree, but he couldn't handle losing her too.

"Do you know where you're going?" he asked softly.

"Hackett wants me working with him on the Crucible," she said. "And don't get me wrong, it's an honor, but I'm a soldier. My skills lie in shooting bad guys, not hammering away at a piece of metal until it lights up."

Shepard snorted. "I don't think that's how it works, Ash."

"Actually—"

He waved a hand. "Don't start using your brain on me. I can't keep up with you on a normal day, let alone tonight."

She full-on laughed, actually amused, and it was music to his ears. It made him feel better and he beamed, grinning an open-mouthed smile as she said, "Thankfully the Council agrees."

"With Hackett?"

"With me! You think I want to leave?" The topic was abruptly serious again, and he shook his head, internally rolling his eyes at the fact they could _never_ seem to have one, normal conversation. "I want to stay on the _Normandy._ If anyone's going to go after Cerberus, it'll be you, and besides, you're here."

He caught it though, the unspoken question. She'd been given the option of either, staying on the ship or going to work with Hackett, and she wasn't going to give them an answer until he'd given her his opinion.

The first thing he thought of was telling her to stay. He didn't want to lose her, too, and she knew it as well as he knew she didn't want to lose him. But this was her life he'd be intruding on, her career. He could still remember when that was the most important thing to her. He didn't want to hold her back even if he knew she _wanted_ him to. The Alliance was as much her life as it was his; they'd based themselves around it and grown with it. Neither of them knew anything else, but unlike him, Ashley's faith in the Alliance had waned. He had watched it falter and waver throughout their cruise with Cerberus, and could see it cracking now, crunching under the decision to make her a Spectre after the friend she felt she murdered.

Telling her outright to stay was too selfish. He had to think of the future, in case he didn't make it past this war with the Reapers. But what if he did, and he had to live with the fact that he had sent her away for nothing?

"Be honest with me," Shepard said. "Please."

She frowned, but nodded. "All right. What is it?"

"Where do you think you'd do more good? Here, taking orders, or out there, giving them?"

Her frown deepened. "Here. I'm not—"

"Don't tell me you're not a good leader. You got everyone I put under your command through the Collector base, so I'm not buying that."

Understanding dawned in her eyes, and he thought he might've gotten through to her, but when she answered, he wanted to drop his head off the table.

"Do you want me to leave?" Ashley asked.

"No! I just...want you to consider your options."

"Well, they were considered. And I'm staying. I'm more useful out here, fighting, than I am back with the Crucible."

It was his turn to frown, but it ended up being little more than him thinning his lips. "Anderson filled me in on Grayson earlier." Now they were both frowning, and suddenly, Shepard was regretting even starting this conversation. "You wrote a program to track bugs and unfamiliar coding in less than twelve hours that worked. _Flawlessly._ He called you a technological savant. Don't you think the Crucible team could use someone that smart?"

"How smart I am means shit when I was trained for combat situations."

"You'd put that to waste? I've seen you—"

She waved a hand dismissively. "You haven't seen what I can do, Shepard. Cerberus might've made me freakishly smart, but I wasn't meant to run through places and hack my way through them. I was trained to kill. Humans, asari, salarians, vorcha, batarians, krogan, whatever. If it walks, I _can_ kill it. I'm not letting anyone waste those two years of my life just so I can sit in some room that's as safe as anything can be while my friends are out here risking their lives."

His eyebrows shot up at the beginning of her small speech, and they didn't go down throughout it. "I haven't seen what you can do? You ran at a brute and _kicked it over._ "

Ashley scoffed. "I can do better than that."

"Really?" It was more of a sarcastic remark than a serious question, but that was the way she took it, and when she opened her mouth again, he sighed.

"I'm going to be there when Cerberus gets its ass kicked," she said flatly. "If there's one thing I think I deserve, it's that."

"You do," Shepard agreed reluctantly. "It's just...if you're really that smart, the Crucible team _needs_ you."

She frowned. "You don't think you need me too? Who's gonna pull your ass outta the fire if I'm not here?"

"Garrus had been doing—"

She smacked his arm, and he laughed, enjoying the bubbly feel of it rising through his chest and throat, enjoying the fact that he wasn't moping for five seconds. Shepard knew he'd be mopey for a while; he got like that when he lost a friend. Try as he might to avoid it, it never totally worked.

"I'm staying," Ashley stated. "If these are our last days, I'm not spending them sitting on my ass."

"Fair enough," he said. "I don't think I could wait for the end, either."

"You? No. You'd go looking for it."

He snorted, glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. "Well, that's what Spectres are paid to do."

"Good thing I'm on your ship, then."

His frown returned as he turned to her, asking, "Why's that?"

"One less step I have to worry about."

Shepard rolled his eyes as she pushed his arm again, chuckling to himself. He felt horrible for smiling so much so soon after Kaidan's death, but he knew Kaidan. He wouldn't want them weeping over him; he wouldn't even want them to be worried about getting revenge. He'd want them focused on the Reapers, and they were, but Shepard wasn't wired like that, and he knew Ashley wasn't either.

If they had the opportunity to take Cerberus down, Shepard was going to take it.


	94. Chapter 94

**A/N** **: I'm so sorry how long it took for me to update! This chapter was a little difficult for me to write; I tried a million different things to put in, but this was the only one that really felt...right? Not really sure what I'm looking for there, but the others felt unnatural and weird. Besides, I do have Miranda marked as a main character, and she has been getting sidelined lately. I just wanted to make sure I did her as much justice as possible, and I *hope* you guys like this chapter!**

 **Thanks for reading!**

* * *

It felt wrong to be carrying a weapon as she meandered her way across the Citadel, but as a Spectre, it was permitted. It felt worse _not_ carrying a weapon, so Ashley could deal with it quite happily. The pistol on her hip gave her some piece of mind, like if someone jumped at her from the shadows, she'd be able to protect herself. She could probably protect herself _without_ the gun, but if it helped her anxiety, she wasn't going to question it.

Ashley didn't have much of a reason to be off the _Normandy,_ but she didn't have much of a reason to be on it, either. Shepard was meeting a scientist Hackett had ordered them to assist, Trakes was off looking for mods compatible with his rifle, and Liara had busied herself with Shadow Broker things the moment she'd gotten up. It had left her by herself for the day, something she was typically grateful for, but not this time.

Today she felt lost, hopeless. The feeling hadn't gone away since she killed him. Kaidan. His name was stuck in her head, his face, his own broken, misguided hope that somehow she could help him, his crazed ramblings about the Council and the Reapers that sounded too much like Cerberus. It wouldn't go away. While Shepard had been unconscious, Ashley had been able to keep herself occupied with the Council and C-Sec, and it had made ignoring every ounce of guilt all the easier. But when he came back, she was next to useless. They didn't need her, but the ship did. They needed Shepard, so she was stuck with the Alliance.

It wasn't a feeling she could compartmentalize away. She couldn't run from it, and she hated it. There were more important things to do than mourn Kaidan, than beat herself up over not finding another solution. But even _thinking_ of him like that made her sick, and it made pushing the guilt off all the harder.

Cerberus had a lot to answer for. _Harper_ had a lot to answer for.

Her jaw clenched involuntarily at the thought of the Illusive Man's name. She would kill him. She had to. Even if it was the last thing she ever did, it _had_ to be her. It was her family's fault that Cerberus existed; it would be her to finish them off.

Finding them would be the hard part. Ashley could vaguely remember having been in the main base, but she couldn't remember when, or where, it had been. It must've only been once, otherwise she hopefully would've been able to recall more details.

She sighed, opting to stop and lean her elbows on a railing overlooking the Presidium. It was still disorienting to look either direction and see a ring, to think she was upside-down from someone else's perspective. Or maybe it wasn't, and it just suddenly was because her head was already hurting. There was a steady thumping right behind her eyes, making it hard to think of much, aside from Kaidan and her lust for revenge.

So when a hand brushed her shoulder, Ashley jumped out of her skin. The Presidium was relatively empty, most of its residents electing to stay at home until C-Sec could assure them that the area was safe, but it wasn't stopping everyone. Some people were just determined to leave.

As she whipped, her hand instinctively went for her gun, but her eyes locked on that completely impractical black and white catsuit, and she forced herself to relax. Miranda's eyes were still in the middle of widening as Ashley dropped her hand back to her side.

"Remind me not to sneak up on you again," she commented, pulling her hand away.

Ashley ran her hands down her face, taking a moment to press on her eyes for some relief, and then nodded, swallowing uncomfortably. "I wasn't ready for that."

"Sounds like you're losing your edge," Miranda said. There was a hint of amusement in her voice, but Ashley ignored it in favor of staring blankly back at the biotic. Silence enveloped them both, growing increasingly awkward until Miranda joined her on the railing. Rather than resting against it, however, Miranda opted to wrap her fingers around it. Ashley was sure her knuckles would be white if she could actually see her hands, but they were covered by that stupid uniform she wore.

"Shouldn't you be in hiding?"

"I figured I could spare a bit of time."

"A bit of time from avoiding Cerberus?"

Miranda shrugged a shoulder. "They won't be back anytime soon. Not after the beating they took."

Ashley huffed and looked away, massaging her temples. Nothing seemed to be helping the headache, and it felt like it was pushing on her from _everywhere._ She felt trapped by it, but Miranda's talking didn't seem to make it worse, oddly enough.

"Then what are you doing here?"

"Looking for a favor," she stated flatly.

Ashley caught on as soon as the words left her mouth. "From me."

"From you," Miranda confirmed, nodding. "I seem to remember you offering." It was her turn to nod, so that was all she did, waiting for an explanation. "I might've found something on Cerberus."

"Might've," Ashley scoffed, snorting. "What is it?"

"A link," she answered. "Here, on the Citadel. It could lead back to the operator who allowed Cerberus to dock here. It might not. It might lead me somewhere off station."

She was frowning, confused, but curiosity peaked. "I'm missing the question here."

"You're a Spectre now—"

Another disinterested snort. "That got around fast."

"It's hard to miss what's on the news," Miranda retorted, rolling her eyes.

"Anyway?"

"I need someone who's allowed to carry firearms to come with me," she continued. Miranda shifted, turning to lean a single elbow on the railing so she could face Ashley. "There's...only so much my biotics can do for me in a combat situation."

"You think this'll be dangerous?"

"When is it not?"

Ashley frowned, but shrugged in agreement. "All right, fair enough. But why didn't you ask Shepard? Why me?"

"Because you understand Cerberus. You know what they're like, what they're capable of. Shepard has barely scratched the surface." Ashley arched a brow as Miranda seemingly caught herself before revealing too much, and it set off warning bells. She fixed the biotic with a questioning, stubborn stare, and while Miranda usually didn't give so easily, she seemed more than eager to crack now. "And because he can't abandon the Reapers to help me find my sister. You can."

"Wait...what? You think... What? Miranda, I can't leave the _Normandy._ I—"

"Why not?"

Her frown deepened. There were so many reasons why she couldn't. There were too many. "I made a promise—"

"To who? Your family? Shepard? That you'd try to stay safe? That you wouldn't leave?"

Ashley pursed her lips. It wasn't everyday that someone just _knew_ that stuff, but Miranda was Miranda, and she'd gotten good at figuring Ashley out.

"I swore I'd never let anything happen to Oriana," she said flatly, "and she's gone. She just...vanished. My father's taken her and Cerberus is involved, but I _can't_ do this alone. Not all of it. I might be designed to be perfect, but I'm not. There's just...it's not possible."

Ashley swallowed. She could understand where Miranda was coming from. God, could she _ever._ Cerberus tried to make her the perfect soldier, and they'd virtually succeeded. Ashley could outgun, outrun, and defeat just about anything the galaxy would throw at her. But it came at the cost of her stability; she could hardly go a day without feeling some form of self-loathing. Most days she was in an irritable mood at best.

Miranda's father had tried to make her the perfect _human._ Beautiful, powerful, smart. Miranda was all of those things, but five seconds around her if she was comfortable with you, and you could tell she was beyond insecure. The confidence was a façade, one both of them wore almost perfectly.

"If this was your sister, wouldn't you do anything to get her back?"

"I would." She paused to take a breath, steady herself. "What am I doing?"

"Coming with me to Zakera Ward," Miranda said. "Cerberus has a dock there under one of its dummy corporations' names. It's the only one that is even remotely active at the moment, so..."

"So you're assuming whatever you need is somewhere in there."

"Or the location of it is."

"And you think I'll follow you to God knows where just so you can rescue your sister?"

Miranda shook her head. "No. I'm hoping you'll be there if I need help. Can you do that for me?"

Ashley's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "You want me to be there. For you. As in I'd come save your ass if it needed saving?" Miranda frowned, but nodded, and Ashley almost laughed. "You'd trust _me_ with that? I thought you hated me."

"I thought you hated me," Miranda said.

"I...well...no. I don't. Not anymore, at least."

"And what did I ever do to make you think I hated you ?"

She opened her mouth to name off a list, but then she realized something. Miranda never gave her any reason to think that. _Never._ While she'd been with the Lazarus Project, Miranda had _never_ abused her the way the crew on Horizon had. She hadn't exactly been nice, but she hadn't been cruel. She'd just...been. Miranda did her job and let Ashley do hers. Jacob had been kind and friendly, but Miranda had just existed. Not mean, not nice. Just Miranda. If anything, Ashley should practically adore her. Miranda had repaired whatever damage Cerberus had done to sever her connection with her own memories, and she had done it because she could, not because Shepard ordered her to.

"You're a bitter person, aren't you?"

Ashley snorted at the sarcastic, teasing remark, and ran her hands down her face again. "You're just noticing that?"

Miranda laughed, and somehow, it made her feel less guilty. She _understood._ Miranda wasn't blaming her for how she acted. It was a conditioned response and she understood. If more people would just understand, Ashley wouldn't be so standoffish all the time. But until now, she'd only ever thought of Shepard as the person who just got it. And Miranda had apparently always understood, and just forgave it.

"If you don't hate me, why do you hate Jack?"

"I don't know, honestly," Miranda said. "Maybe because I'd seen you being...less of a bitch around people. Maybe because I felt guilty for being part of the reason you became...that thing for Cerberus. Jack is just an ass for the sake of it. You're an ass because Cerberus made you one."

"Cerberus made Jack who she is," Ashley said.

"Like I said, I don't know. We have a lot in common, so maybe it's that."

"I...never really thought about it like that."

Miranda sighed as she looked out over the lake. "Maybe it's because you still try to be a good person, unlike Jack who'll leave you to rot if she doesn't like you. I know you don't like her, but you stopped to help her when she got shot on the Collector base. I've seen you with Tali, and I know you've never been a big fan of trusting other species, let alone other humans. I don't know. Jack allowed Cerberus to ruin her, but you've been too stubborn for that every step of the way."

Ashley laughed in disbelief. "I'm not a good person."

"You try. That's all any of us can do."

"You sound like Shepard," Ash said. "Constantly making excuses for me."

"It's not an excuse if it's the truth," Miranda replied, drumming her fingers off the glass by their legs.

She just shook her head and looked away. "Where am I meeting you? When?"

"Tonight at the _Normandy's_ docking bay. I'll lead you there. You just bring a gun and don't get shot."

"I could say the same to you," Ashley retorted. "You don't heal like I do."

Miranda shrugged as she straightened. "No, but I get the feeling something's up if you allowed the Council to make you a Spectre."

That caught her off guard, but she nodded solemnly. "Chakwas said my blood doesn't have Reaper tech in it anymore. That with the way I died, the only way I could be alive right now is if my body was constantly healing itself. It fought the foreign substance off."

"Wait, really? You're not...? Really?"

Ashley swallowed, but nodded. "I...literally healed myself out of indoctrination."

"How?"

"I was killed by radiation poisoning, but Cerberus brought me back within weeks. I should still be infested with radioactive waste...or whatever it was she said. Whatever they did to me, it allowed my body to attack the mutated cells. It took time to get rid of it, but...it worked. My blood's red now instead of blue or purple. I'm...well...I'm a person. Again."

"Have you told Shepard?"

"How the hell am I going to work that into a conversation? 'Oh hey, I'm not at risk for becoming some indoctrinated nutcase anymore because Cerberus' technology worked too well, and I healed myself out of it.' Yeah, that doesn't sound insane at all."

"We work with insane, in case you missed that."

Ashley laughed, but out of amusement this time rather than spite. "Fine, fair point. But it sounds ridiculous. Even I don't really believe it."

Miranda shrugged again. "Then don't tell him."

"If I'm telling you, I have to tell him. He's—"

The biotic's lip curled in a smirk, and Ashley cut herself off. "No, go on. I've been waiting for this to happen."

"You _what_?"

"Just because I'm a bitch doesn't mean I have to be _boring._ " Ashley fixed her with a disbelieving stare, and Miranda huffed. "It probably didn't help that Jack thought Shepard wouldn't be brave enough to do anything about it."

"Uh-huh. See, I knew it."

"It was still obvious."

"How is it obvious?" Ashley demanded.

Miranda laughed. "It's hard to see one of you without the other; you were practically joined at the hip from the moment we set foot on the SR-2. And he'd get jealous. Fast. You give people death glares if they even look at him funny."

"No I don't!"

"Oh, yes you do."

Ashley groaned in exasperation. "You're unbelievable. Miranda Lawson, gossiping over _my_ life like a teenager in high school."

"You need to find entertainment somewhere when you're stuck on a warship."

Her eyes narrowed. "Who else?"

"Garrus. Trakes, Jack, Kelly, Kasumi, Mordin, Chakwas. And Tali. _Especially_ Tali."

Ashley scowled. "Unbelievable."

"It's hard to not see something going on when you can feel the sexual tension."

"There wasn't any!" Miranda had since stopped laughing to arch a brow. It was all Ashley could do to groan again, annoyed, and Miranda smirked. "Okay, fine, maybe there was a little, but it wasn't that bad."

"It was pretty bad." Ashley threw her hands up in a mixture of frustration and defeat, and Miranda's smirk widened into a grin. "Relax, it was kind of cute to watch. And funny. You're both hopeless."

"Excuse me for being a complete wreck after going through what I did."

"That's not what I meant," Miranda said.

Sighing, she massaged her aching temples. "I know. I'm sorry; I shouldn't have said that."

Miranda paused, staring down at her hands, and nodded. "I'm sorry, too. For everything. Maybe if we'd both been less hostile, we could've been friends."

"If we're not friends after _that_ discussion, we're going to have a serious problem."

"I don't think we're friends," Miranda muttered. "Just...two people who have a mutual understanding."

"So...boring friends." Miranda rolled her eyes and it was finally Ashley's turn to smirk, but she didn't. She would've had it been anybody else, but like Miranda said, they had an understanding. Ashley had caught on despite the joke, and she said, "It's not that hard to be friends with someone, Miranda."

"I know that. It's just..."

"Different?"

She nodded. "Different," she agreed.

Ashley flexed her hands around the railing as she stood, rocking back and forth in a subconscious show of anxiety. "It's nice, though. Having a friend. Aside from Shepard, the only friends I really had were Kaidan and Trakes, and Kaidan's gone, so..."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Cerberus is going to get what they deserve. I'll make sure of it." Ashley nudged her with an elbow. "Give it a shot, at least. It might make you happier."

"How, though? How do you pick someone to trust like that?"

Ashley shrugged. "Dunno. It just happens. You find a person and you just click, so you're friends. _Typically,_ if someone gets you the way I do, they're friends. That's how it works. I think. I'm not sure. That's just what I've seen so far."

"The last 'friend' I had ended up betraying me."

"Not all people are like that."

Ashley surprised even herself when she said that, but she stood by it. It was the truth. Shepard wasn't someone to turn on a friend, and neither was Trakes. Kaidan hadn't been, either. And Ashley was damn sure she wasn't. She didn't even have to ask herself if she'd ever turn her back on anyone in her list of friends.

"After tonight, if you need help, I've got your back," Ashley said. "I promise."

"Didn't you—"

"I promised my sisters I'd stay safe, but there's no way to stay safe in this war. And I promised Shepard I..." She swallowed, but forced the words out, and Miranda, thankfully, didn't make an uncharacteristic crack at her for it. "I promised him I wouldn't leave his side. I won't, but if you need help, I already promised I'd be there. Long before I promised him I'd stay with him."

Miranda nodded mutely, not looking at Ashley, and silence lapsed. Unlike the first time, however, it wasn't awkward. It was comfortable, peaceful. Neither of them needed to say anything. They just...understood in the way only friends could.

It was nice to know they could be like this, rather than butting heads constantly. The friendliest they'd ever been was in that hole on Horizon, when Miranda was trying to be friendly and failing rather spectacularly. But it had meant a lot to Ashley, even if she hadn't realized it until much later.

"I need to go," Miranda said abruptly.

Ashley jumped again, surprised, but nodded. "Me too. I need to get ready."

Walking away was a little more awkward than she was used to, but she managed. She wasn't used to having talks like these with many people. Shepard, sure, and _maybe_ Trakes, but definitely not Miranda.

"Ashley?"

She paused and glanced back at Miranda, still standing uncertainly near the railing. "What's up?"

"Thanks," she breathed, embarrassed.

Ashley smiled. "Not a problem."

She felt much better when she returned to the ship.


	95. Chapter 95

**A/N** **: Sorry about the wait! I got a little addicted to Andromeda and hit with some writer's block at the same time, and it shows. Thankfully I found some inspiration the last few days! I hope you guys enjoy the chapter, and that you're enjoying Andromeda!**

* * *

Ashley's eyebrows slowly raised in awe as Miranda waltzed them through the doorway of the dock. She'd been expecting...something. The two of them to be shot on sight, guards, something, _anything,_ but they just...walked in. Maybe because it was a public dock; most companies outsourced jobs to smaller work forces to get more bang for their buck, but Ashley hadn't really ever seen that employed so well until now. Aliens and humans alike were coming and going at a steady pace, and it was easy for them to slip into a crowd as it slithered its way through an entrance.

But not once had she seen anyone in an Alliance uniform, or even a C-Sec uniform. She was rather proud of herself for thinking ahead and _not_ wearing her own uniform or hardsuit. Besides, it had been worth it to see Miranda's expression as she walked off the _Normandy_ in a plain pair of pants and a jacket. She'd said something about it being weird to see Ashley in anything but a military outfit, which sparked Ashley's defensive shot at Miranda's lack of the black and white catsuit. "Too conspicuous," she had said.

 _Like having men drool over you isn't conspicuous,_ Ashley muttered to herself as she followed the biotic along.

It took a concerted effort to match Miranda's pace, opposed to following behind at an angle like she was accustomed to. When she was following someone, she was used to literally following them, not pacing them. Ashley could've sworn she saw Miranda shake her head and roll her eyes, smirking to herself, and she just huffed as she forced her eyes elsewhere.

"We can't wander aimlessly forever," Miranda said. "It'll start to look suspicious."

"I feel like we already look suspicious," Ashley shot back, glancing over her shoulder. "Something's off, Miranda. I don't like this."

"You don't think I told you to bring a gun for a reason?" she snapped.

Ashley resisted the urge to pat her pocket for the collapsible Predator and just nodded, swallowing anxiously. She never felt right in civilian gear; it made her antsy.

She huffed, vaguely irritated. "Whatever. What are we looking for?"

"I need access to the control center. I can check the logs for the controller we're looking for from there."

Ashley nodded. "Do you have any plans for that?"

"I do, as a matter of fact," Miranda said. "We'll make another lap, split up to try and drop anyone who might be following us. Then I want you to do your best to get inside the warehouses. I'll meet you somewhere inside."

"Sounds simple enough."

Miranda nodded as well. "Should be. I'll let you know if I find anything."

Without another word, the biotic slowed her pace and slipped into the crowd, leaving Ashley to walk wherever she chose. It was hardly a minute later when someone brushed past, slamming their shoulder into hers, effectively knocking her off balance. Ashley instinctively turned towards the person to glare even as they did the same, but she'd barely made eye contact when she felt something tug at the sleeve of her jacket. Her head swiveled back around just as quickly to direct her glare at the new annoyance, but she traced the source to a small, tan hand back up to a pair of green eyes, and she immediately flattened her expression.

"I know you," he said.

He was dirty and bruised, and he had a scabbed over cut on his cheek. Dark hair fell around his gaunt face in waves, greasy in the way all hair got after running for too long. His clothes were torn and his jacket looked like it belonged to an older sibling.

Ashley just frowned and shook her head. "The only messy kid I know is my sister."

"From the news," he added. "I saw you on the vids. You're a Spectre."

"No, you're thinking of someone else," she said quickly.

He shook his head resolutely. "It was you," he said matter-of-factly. "I don't forget faces!" The last part was added proudly, like it was something everyone should just _know_ about whoever he was. "You're in the Alliance like my dad!"

Ashley sighed, running a hand down her face, before crouching in front of him. "Where's your mom?"

He shrugged. "Dunno. She wasn't on the shuttle. Said she be here soon."

"Where are you from?"

"Elysium," he said, also proud, and she felt her heart drop into her stomach. "Best colony world ever!"

He didn't know what was going on, or he didn't understand, or his parents had been very careful about keeping him in the dark.

Whatever it was, Ashley didn't think he'd be seeing his mom again anytime soon.

"How long have you been on the Citadel?"

"A day."

She bit her tongue to refrain from the rapid blur of questions burning in her head to say, "When was the last time you ate?"

"A few days ago. Mom made me a sandwich."

Ashley sighed again, trying to talk herself out of what she was about to do, but not finding any argument to do it. "Are you good with directions?" After he nodded, she forced herself to smile. "There's a café a block away, on the left, okay? Tell the waitress I sent you. She'll get you a good meal."

"Can I meet him?"

Another frown. "Who?"

"Commander Shepard! He saved the world before!"

 _Good lord,_ she grumbled to herself. "I don't know, he's a busy man."

"But you work with him! I saw it on the—"

"Don't trust everything the news says," Ashley interrupted. "Now go on. Get something to eat."

He nodded eagerly before running off, and she groaned as she pinched the bridge of her nose. Ashley had been counting on the size of the crowds to keep people from recognizing her; it wasn't exactly like she _wanted_ Cerberus to see her coming.

There were people still on Elysium. People were _alive,_ raising their children, and the Reapers were harvesting the garden world. It was surreal, but all it made her wonder was how the fighting was going back on Earth, how Anderson was doing and how Sarah's husband was. She felt guilty for not thinking of them more often, but she had Shepard to worry about. She had a ship full of friends to tear herself up over.

Ashley sighed as she stood, planting her hands on her hips as she watched the retreating form of the boy's jacket as it faded into the crowd, and then shook her head.

She wasn't going to ask Shepard to show up. The kid had probably been taught that Shepard was a godsend, a living legend, but she knew he felt far from it. She was willing to bet that his flashback had been about Elysium in the first place; it hadn't been very long between the attack on the Alliance colony and his own break, but she wouldn't ask. He told her once it wasn't her business, and that was enough.

The little comm in her ear fizzled as Miranda's voice cut into her thoughts. "You okay?"

"Yeah, fine," Ashley answered. "Just...some kid stopped me. He recognized me."

"So what?"

She shrugged, though she was fairly sure Miranda couldn't see her. "I don't know. It just...I don't know. Forget I said anything."

The radio went silent and she pinched the bridge of her nose, inhaling deeply. Miranda was still a pain in the ass to deal with, always would be, but at least they both agreed to handle the other. Putting up with her shit wouldn't be hard, not anymore, but it could get exhausting. Ashley had been exhausted for nearly a week; she refused to stop for a breath.

Settled, she turned and resumed her meander through the dock, eyes wandering overhead to watch the ships and shuttles passing by. Some made rounds, waiting for clearance, others landed without any pause, and most flew straight past. It was relaxing on her agitated mind. The bad feeling didn't go away, but it became softer, and easier to forget.

Maybe today wouldn't—

Her omni-tool chirped before she could even finish the thought, and as soon as she saw who the message was from, she opened it.

"Are you okay?"

Shepard's face went from bright and hyped on adrenaline to a mix of confusion, amusement, and concern of his own. A laugh left his lips and she frowned, brows creasing together. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Don't know. You never just call me."

His mouth opened as if he was about to retort with proof he did, but it closed a moment later as he came to the same conclusion she did. "Well usually you're up my ass, so all I have to do is turn around."

She scoffed. "Anyway? I'm in the middle of something."

Shepard leaned forward as he squinted. "I can see that. You're wearing civvies. Since when do you do that?"

"When I feel like it."

He rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll ask you later. But I need you back at the _Normandy_ as soon as possible. Something important's come up and it can't wait."

"How important?"

"Like...'might be able to stop the Reapers' important."

"Isn't that what the Crucible is for?"

"Yes, but any edge against the Reapers can't be overlooked."

"Some things are more important than this is, Shepard."

He frowned. "Like what? What's more important than defeating the things that want to harvest organic lives? They've killed _billions_ of people, Ash, and that's in this cycle alone."

"I know that," she snapped. "I know that better than you do."

"Then what the hell is more important to you than killing those things? Cerberus?" She pursed her lips, looking down to the floor, and she could hear his unsurprised groan. "We talked about this. Cerberus is living on borrowed time, but we agreed to focus on the Reapers. You promised me and I promised you."

"I can't just walk away—"

"Why not?"

She swallowed. "I told Miranda I'd help her."

Shepard's face paled as his frown deepened. "Wait, Miranda? You're with Miranda right now? What the hell are you doing? Where are you?"

"I can't tell you."

"Ash—"

"It's something I need to do alone."

"Alone...with Miranda?" he retorted, and she sighed in defeat. "What happened to 'your problems are my problems and vice versa'?" When she didn't answer, Shepard said, "I'm coming to you. Whatever you're doing is dangerous; don't bother lying to me. You can either tell me where you are, or EDI can track you through your omni-tool. Your choice."

Ashley glared at him for several long seconds, but he didn't back down. He was serious; so was she. Shepard was going to hold up his end of the bargain, but she was already slacking, and it hadn't even been twelve hours.

She didn't say anything as she punched in the dock's location.

" _Thank_ you," Shepard said. "I'll see you there in ten minutes."

"Try to be quiet about it."

"You know me," he said. "Master of stealth."

And then he hung up, quickly enough he missed her eye roll, missed the snarky comment she had ready for him. He was anything _but_ stealthy.

Granted, the same could be said for her.

* * *

Ashley had given up trying to find a way into the restricted area of the dock, instead opting to sit on one of the benches lined against the walls to wait. Miranda had given no indication that she'd found a way in, but while she hoped that she hadn't, Ashley had a feeling that they would be saving Miranda's ass when they got inside.

Her eyes routinely travelled over the passerby, searching for any familiar forms, be it Shepard's or someone who'd gone past multiple times. She could feel a pair of eyes on her, but whomever they belonged to concealed themselves well. They were likely trained to blend in; Ashley had trained herself to spot irregularities throughout her life, and right now, she couldn't see anything.

She hated waiting.

Impatient, she checked the time on her omni-tool. He should've been here by now. He _had_ to be here. Shepard stuck to deadlines like death. That man was never late.

Ashley considered calling him, but quickly dismissed the idea. If she was being watched, she didn't want to give them any reason to keep at it.

It felt like forever before, out of the corner of her eye, she saw him approaching. He wasn't wearing his uniform, not really, but he wasn't so concerned with concealing his identity as Ashley and Miranda had been. He had his uniform pants on and a gray Alliance shirt tucked into them, hands shoved into his pockets like wandering through some random dock was the most casual thing in the world.

"You're late," she muttered as he sat.

"Nah," Shepard replied. "I've been watching you for a few minutes. I got here as soon as I said I would."

It put her mind at ease, knowing that she hadn't been losing her mind, but that the person watching her hadn't been an enemy. "You were watching me?"

"Just because I'm mad at you doesn't mean I don't care."

She snorted. "Fair enough."

He was silent for several minutes before asking, "So what are we doing here?"

"Miranda thinks she can find the man who allowed Cerberus to dock before the coup attempt, and for whatever reason, thinks he'll be able to help her find her sister."

Shepard's expression hardened as his mouth thinned into a line. There was a pause, and for several long minutes, the only sound was that of the chattering passerby. Ashley's stomach twisted into knots while he kept quiet, glaring at the side of her head, even as she scanned the crowds again.

Someone was watching them. She could feel it.

Her skin crawled. Hairs on her arms stood on end, and she abruptly got to her feet, marching from their position around a corner. She could feel Shepard's eyes on her back, heard him leap up to follow. Once she was out of sight, Ashley turned and pressed her back into an alcove, hand shooting out to wheel Shepard in after her.

"Tight fit," he commented, wiggling his eyebrows.

She rolled her eyes. "Can you pick?"

"Pick what?" he asked innocently, earning another eye roll.

"Don't flirt if you're mad," she snapped.

He grinned. "Can't help it if you're dragging me into nooks and crannies."

Ashley almost elbowed him, but when she went to, someone raced past, staggering from a bunch of people as he tripped. Shepard followed her eyes and he resumed his Commander attitude, locking on the man trailing them.

"All right, so what's the plan?" he whispered.

"You're asking me?"

"This is your show," Shepard reminded her. "I'm happy to follow your lead." Her eyes flicked back to his, gray and shadowed but intent, and she sighed.

"We still need a way inside," Ashley muttered, looking back to the man searching the alley. "And I'm willing to bet that guy isn't Cerberus. Or not a soldier, at least."

"What gave it away, the lack of creepy glowing eyes?"

She opened her mouth to scold him, but she was cut off. A red, grated light flashed, and was quickly followed by the steady blaring of an alarm.

"Looks like Miranda found a way in," Shepard said. "Losing your edge?"

Ashley reached for the collapsed Predator in her pocket. "I never had to find a way into a dock crowded with civilians," she snapped.

"Sure they're all civilians?"

"Most of them, anyway."

A voice came over the loudspeaker, asking people to calmly report to the nearest exit. She tuned it out, waited for the pistol to expand, and leaned past the corner. The guard, or whoever he was, had pulled out his flashlight and was searching for them, but his back was still facing them. They could sneak back out the way they came, but Ashley didn't want to pass up a chance to find the room they were looking for. If he knew where the control room was, she was going to find out, one way or another.

She handed the gun to Shepard. "Watch my back."

And without warning, she stepped past, started her way after their tail. She'd barely gotten halfway down the alley when someone shouted at her. Her head spun, barely quick enough to catch Shepard putting a bullet through an armed guard's chest, before reverting to her original target. He was pulling something from under his jacket, but Ashley wasn't giving him the chance to arm himself. By the time he had his weapon drawn, she was already there, jerking his arm in the opposite direction and burying her fist in his abdomen. He yelped and she let him fall to the floor, kicking the gun away as she crouched down beside him.

He spit out a mouthful of blood as he coughed, fixing her with the darkest glare a teary-eyed man could muster, and she snorted.

"That hurt?"

He struggled, but managed to bring up a fist. She caught the swing before it could even begin, squeezing his knuckles _just enough_ for him to get the point. A whimper escaped his lips, and not for the first time, Ashley was wondering why all the people Cerberus recruited ended up being either pathetic, psychotic, or both.

"Where's your op center?"

All he did was smile a wide, bloody grin. "Fuck...you."

She squeezed harder and he groaned in pain. "You can tell me what I want to know, or I won't leave you with only a few broken ribs. Spit. It. Out."

"No."

"You think I won't do it?"

She didn't give him the chance to answer. His wrist was snapped back hard enough that she could hear the bone crack, and then driven into the floor. Not just broken, shattered.

He started to scream, but she grabbed him by the jaw and forced his head back. His eyes widened as she held him down, watering and terrified, but defiant. She knew that look very, very well. It was one she had worn countless times.

Usually that would stop her, but she was out of patience.

"I've had enough of Cerberus and your fucking games," she said. "Day after day it's 'how much can we fuck up the galaxy' and 'how can we screw with the Alliance's plans to stop the Reapers' and 'let's try _helping_ the Reapers, 'cause that'll somehow get _us_ one step closer to killing them.' What about 'let's kill innocent people _just because they're not human_ '? Does that sound dumb to you? It sounds pretty fucking stupid to me, too." She dragged his face closer, lowered her voice to a whisper. "Now you can either tell me how to get to the control room, or I can leave you here to rot and come back when I'm finished with your friends. Your choice."

"You're...not going to find what you're looking for," he snapped. "Your Council let us in. _C-Sec_ gave us docking clearance."

Her eyebrows furrowed as she dropped him, trying to piece out how the hell he knew what they were there for, before she stood.

"You know, a smart person wouldn't give something like that away." He snorted a laugh before she continued. "Especially when it's the only reason you're still alive."

He barely had the chance to stumble for an excuse. Ashley had already kicked the side of his head, cracking the skull, jerking his neck at such a sharp angle that it snapped.

"Ash?"

She turned back to Shepard, meeting his uncertain gaze. "What?"

"Are you all right?"

"Have I said I'm done with Cerberus? Did I give that impression?"

"Well, yeah, but that was just... That was...so wrong, on so many levels."

"There comes a day when a line has to be drawn. We hit that day when the Illusive Man decided to try to divide us even more."

Shepard's frown only deepened. "You didn't need to do that, though."

"Didn't I?"

"It was unnecessary," he said. "You tortured him."

"Breaking a few bones hardly counts as torture."

"Maybe by your standards, but most humans can't take a beating like that. We _hurt._ "

She glanced down at the broken body, back at Shepard, and shrugged.

"I don't think Cerberus counts as 'human' anymore, either. Not after these displays."

His mouth thinned into a line again, and Ashley turned away, reaching up to her ear to contact Miranda. The biotic was fine, if she sounded a little winded. She'd gotten to the operations center amidst the confusion; it was her who set off the alarm, purposely. "Give them an easier time to maneuver around," she said.

But she'd reached the same conclusion Ashley had, albeit less violently. Whatever Miranda was after wasn't here. And after today, the traitor they were looking for would likely be long gone.


	96. Chapter 96

Fumes. Ashley was running on fumes. Her blood was still boiling and she was still seeing red, the urge to punch everything and everyone in sight nearly overwhelming what little self control she managed.

Again. Cerberus fucked with them _again._ With _her._ Ashley was furious, but there was nothing she could do about it. Nothing. She had to let it go, and the realization only worsened her mood. Trakes had made a joke in the elevator when she had stormed back onto the _Normandy,_ something about actually being able to see steam coming from her ears, and she'd lost it. She practically exploded in a fit of anger, and while Trakes simply stood there like any lower ranking marine would, she could _see_ the hurt in his eyes. Trakes, the same man who had her back from the minute they met, the guy who never failed to make her smile even when Shepard couldn't, and she'd gone off on him.

Ashley knew she should feel guilty. She knew she would have to apologize later. But right now, she couldn't find the energy to care. Every ounce of her willpower was focused on restraining her fists, on keeping herself firmly rooted in place so she didn't march into C-Sec headquarters to beat the truth out of every officer, every _traitor._

She swallowed and flexed her fists, eyes boring into a window across the ward. She could see people behind it, turians, going about their lives, safe and happy, and it made her throat clench. Turians. Her stomach rolled at the very thought, but she pushed the feeling away. It was Cerberus talking. She knew better than to let herself go this far, but just once, it felt nice to not be in control. It felt...freeing. Freeing to know she had kept a rein on her temper for so long, that the one time she didn't, couldn't, it was of her own will.

She hadn't felt like this in ages. Part of her missed it. Missed the satisfaction in knowing no one would argue with her solely because they were afraid of her. Missed feeling like she was actually in control. The worst part of it was, the more she let her temper get the better of her, the more she felt like she was in charge. It was when she had to worry less, and the very thought of it made her sick. The lid started to go on, but she was at the melting point, and in a fit of rage, she punched the metal bench bolted to the floor.

Warmth poured from her split knuckles, and she turned her hand over. Red was staining the gauze wrapped around her hand and arm. _Red._ Tears welled up in her eyes as her throat caught again. Something in her chest gave, and she collapsed onto the bench, burying her face in her hands as she cried. Silent tears, for herself, for Kaidan, for Shepard, for Lynn, for everyone she lost and was afraid of losing. She cried for her grandfather, who had only done his job and went on to become the catalyst for one of the greatest evils the galaxy would ever know. It was almost too much, knowing that the Illusive Man had been triggered by Shanxi, knowing that he gave into the same fear and doubt she had fought on the SR-1.

Thinking of Jack Harper as anything but the bastard responsible for half of her problems made her ill, but he was only human. He made mistakes. They _all_ made mistakes.

It was happening again. Cerberus was getting to her, screwing with her head. She couldn't take it. She wasn't strong enough. She wanted it to end. All of it. The pain, the fear, the insatiable desire for vengeance. She wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and just die. The galaxy would be better for it. The _Normandy's_ crew wouldn't have to worry about when their executive officer would beat them within an inch of their lives. Of all people, Shepard would benefit the most without her; she didn't deserve him, and he definitely didn't deserve someone so self-absorbed as her.

She wasn't sure how long she sat there, but when her hands fell and the tears stopped, all she could see was the blood on her hand. Red. Red blood. For the longest of times, she could only remember bluish gray, purple, anything _but_ red, really, and now, here it was, red. A sign of hope. What little there was. That she was _healing._ That she was actually a person again, a human being.

It didn't mean much, didn't mean that she still deserved to be sucking air, but it made the weight on her chest lessen. Breathing got easier and she wiped her face off, taking a shaky breath. This wasn't the time to fall apart, but she couldn't just turn it off. It happened whether she wanted it to or not, and it only made her hate herself more.

An outlet. She needed one, before she hurt herself again. The irritating crawl of her skin regrowing could be felt under the bandages on her fist, and she forced the thoughts that came with it aside.

Looking for clues about Cerberus' attack had given her purpose. But when that fell apart, so did she. She murdered her best friend. She didn't stop to try and talk him down, she just killed him, and it came back. The anger, the urge to hit something, and she just let herself fall apart. It was better this way, better than entertaining thoughts of leaving, of letting someone shoot her when they inevitably found themselves in combat next.

At some point, she didn't know when, Ashley found the sanity to realize there was something wrong, something extremely wrong, but instead of going to Chakwas, she opened her omni-tool, found his name. No one else could see her like this, pathetic and _crying,_ of all things. The only person she'd ever shed a year in front of was Shepard. Not her friends, not any therapist, not even her family. Just...him.

His face appeared on the small screen almost instantly. Gray eyes with tiny little flecks of the darkest blue she'd ever seen. A smile lit up his face, and it was relieving, beyond so. God, it was probably the most beautiful thing Ashley had seen in her entire life, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. His eyebrows creased in concern as he studied her, worry quickly overcoming any bit of excitement as he realized she wasn't actually ignoring him.

"Ash? What's wrong?"

Her voice felt...stuck. Caught in her throat, and it was a fight to even get words out.

"I'm..." A pause for a shaky breath. "I'm having a bad day."

No hesitation, even though it was obvious he wasn't on the ship in the first place, that he was busy. "Observation deck?" She just nodded, swallowing as she looked back down, ashamed, and he said, "Head up to my quarters. I'll be right there."

"I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "Don't be."

"I should be better—"

"Ash. No. Don't start that. We've talked about this. Just head up and take a few breaths. It'll be fine, I promise."

Some part of her couldn't wait. Words wanted to flow, and they did. "It's never been this bad, Shepard. I...I _can't._ It's too much. All of it... It's too much. I'm scared."

"Trust me," he said. "Please."

"I do, but—"

"Then when I say you'll be fine, believe me."

She swallowed, nodded again. She felt like an elcor was sitting on her chest, weighing her down, making her movements sluggish as she closed her omni-tool and made her way to the elevator. It was empty, thankfully, and she punched in the override code so it wouldn't stop while it took her up.

She tried to calm herself down on the ride. Oh, did she try, but her heart was racing, her mind was spinning, and nothing she did helped her to relax. Ashley felt like she was losing her mind, slowly but surely. Whatever peace she'd managed to gather the last few months, whatever sanity she scrunched up, she was watching it crumble away. The acceptance she had mustered when she was in Vancouver, the calm. It was gone. Every fiber of her being was on alert for something, _anything,_ and it was making her crack.

Ashley didn't know what to do. Everything was happening so fast and she just wasn't ready. She was losing, and that sense of loss only made her angrier, and that anger only made her more upset, more disappointed. She was _better_ than this. She hadn't cracked like this in almost a year.

 _"You'll have your good days and your bad days. Everyone who has been through any traumatic experience does and you won't be an exception."_

Why couldn't she be an exception?

When the elevator opened, she walked into Shepard's small cabin, stopping briefly to watch the fish swimming around happily in their tank. They'd need fed and he wasn't good at remembering. She pushed the key to activate the feeder as she made her way down to his bed and...collapsed. It smelled distinctly of him, of _them,_ and it made her chest ache of loneliness.

 _He'll be here. He promised._

* * *

Ashley didn't remember falling asleep. She didn't remember burrowing under his blanket, kicking off her boots, or pulling off the upper half of her uniform. She didn't even remember the solid form pressed against her back ever getting there, but she recognized the oddly spiced scent of the ship's soap, the one that was uniquely Shepard's, and she rolled over. His arms shifted to make it easier, and as soon as she was finished, they found their way back around her waist.

She hugged him back as she heard a satisfied hum rumble in his chest. His lips brushed her forehead even as his fingers combed through her hair, and she could feel tension melting from her body.

"Ash?"

"I'm sorry," she mumbled.

"Don't be," he repeated. "Just talk to me. Tell me what happened."

Her head shook, and his grip on her tightened. "I don't even remember. I just...fell apart and I couldn't stop myself. I thought...I thought I was going to hurt myself. I didn't know what to do and I panicked and I just...I couldn't be alone."

Shepard reflexively pulled her closer. "It's all right. I'm not going anywhere tonight. I promise." Ashley didn't say another word, just let herself drift in and out of consciousness as she finally felt herself relaxing, until he broke the silence again. "Why me?"

"Why you what?"

"Why'd you call me? Why not your family? Or Chakwas?"

"Because you're you."

He inhaled deeply, fingers still stroking her side. "I'm sorry I'm not better at this. I'm not...I'm not really sure how to help. You're the first person I've been serious about in...well, forever, and I hate to see you hurting."

"It's okay. Just stay with me. It helps."

He was quiet for a while again, thinking about something, and Ashley was content to lie with him, forehead resting on his chest. His heartbeat was steady, solid, and the feel of his fingers in her hair, on her shoulder and ribs, it was so soothing it was unholy.

"I feel better when you're with me," Shepard said abruptly. "Will you stay?"

"Stay?"

"Here. In my cabin... er...bed. We don't have to do anything, I just... I don't have nightmares when you're here." It sounded like he had to fight to get it out, to admit it, and all she did was nod and hug him tighter.

"I'll stay tonight."

"I...meant every night. I hate thinking of you sleeping on couches and benches all the time. You deserve better than that."

 _You deserve better than me._

Ashley didn't answer right away even though she didn't really see any reason not to. They were both Spectres; the Alliance couldn't touch them, and the Council had no rules against their relationship. She just couldn't find it in herself to tell him she'd stay. Something about it felt...wrong. It felt like commitment, and she didn't know if she could handle that. Granted, she was a one man at a time kind of woman and it wasn't like she had ever been into flings in the first place, but there was something oddly final about saying yes. She wasn't sure she wanted to be so serious with anyone in the middle of a war.

"W-we don't have to," he said. "I know you're pretty strict on regs and all, and while you're a Spectre now, it's kind of redundant, but—"

"I'll stay," Ashley interrupted, "if you keep the jokes down to a minimum."

"I wouldn't make—"

"I didn't mean you."

It took him a minute, but he let out the most wonderful laugh she'd heard in days before pressing his lips to the top of her head. "Deal." He was quiet for a moment. "You're not okay, are you?"

"No."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too, Shepard. Me too."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She shrugged a shoulder before rolling back over. They wriggled closer together wordlessly, her back against his chest, his chin on her head.

"We don't have to," he added.

"We can. I don't know where to start is all."

"Just talk," Shepard urged, and she sighed after taking a deep, shaky breath. "Ash?"

"No, it's fine. It's just...I haven't felt so _angry_ in almost a year. And when I came down, it...I didn't stop. I went from furious to...to depressed in seconds and I was so terrified that something would happen. I didn't know what to do." She swallowed. "I still don't."

His hand sought hers out, lifting it for them both to see, and she flinched. Blood stained the gauze where she had punched the bench.

"And this? Who did you hit?"

Ashley squeezed her eyes shut. "Me. I cut my hand."

His brows furrowed as he ran his thumb over her knuckles. "I thought—"

"It's Cerberus' fault."

"Isn't this a good thing? Doesn't that mean you don't have Reaper...things in your blood?"

"Yeah."

And while she could practically hear the gears turning in his head, neither of them spoke, and she was grateful. The last thing she wanted to think about were the Reapers. For weeks all she had to worry about was Cerberus, and she wanted to keep it that way. Worrying about one enemy instead of two was less stressful and she highly doubted she could take much more. If she was asked to, though, she wouldn't say no.

And she got the feeling Shepard would be asking.

"Do you ever feel like you're going to die before this war ends?" Ashley asked. He didn't respond straight away, but it was answer enough. "How do you convince yourself fighting is worth it if it feels so hopeless?"

Shepard inhaled deeply before speaking. "Dunno. Not really. I look at Liara, at Garrus, Trakes, Vega, Tali, Joker, all of them. You. I remind myself I'm fighting for you guys and your lives, not mine. And to me, it's far more worth it. You guys are worth more than my own life."

"I'll...have to remember that."

"I shouldn't have said that, huh?"

Ashley just shrugged again. "Just means I'll have to watch your ass twice as hard."

"What would I do without you?"

She snorted, mildly amused, and rolled her eyes. "Crash and burn, suffer without the backtalk."

"You say suffer, I say succeed."

"You do just fine."

He chuckled. "Better than fine," he muttered, pressing his lips to her shoulder. "And congratulations."

Ashley frowned as she glanced back at him. "For what?"

"Becoming a Spectre. I never really got to say it straight."

It took her longer than it should have, but she said, "Thanks."

She could _hear_ his frown as he spoke. "You don't sound like you mean it."

"They used me to replace him. Kaidan. It's just a title; I didn't earn it."

"You saved the Council. That's more than I ever did. They made me a Spectre just to shut Udina up."

Ashley shook her head. "It's still different."

"H—"

"Commander Shepard, there is an emergency message from the asari Councilor waiting for you in the QEC," EDI interrupted.

Shepard sighed. "Trouble somewhere?"

"It would appear so."

He paused as he sat up, allowing cold air to rush between them, and Ashley found herself missing him even though he was only a few inches away. His hand brushed her shoulder as he squeezed it, and then said, "You heard her. Time to suit up. Cargo hold—fifteen minutes."

Ashley nodded numbly as she stood, hunting down her boots and the Alliance blue vest she was missing. "Who am I grabbing?"

Shepard chewed on his lip as he thought. "Javik." She didn't even have her mouth open to protest before he cut her off. "I need to know the two of you can work together. He needs to be able to trust you and vice versa."

"Throwing us into a fight together isn't exactly going to help."

"No, it won't," he agreed, "but it'll be a step in the right direction."

She rolled her eyes as he marched towards the elevator, leaving her to get ready.

 _It's a recipe for disaster is what it is._


	97. Chapter 97

The elevator trip down to the CIC felt like it took hours. Not because the elevator was slow (it had never been anything _but_ slow), but because Shepard felt more exhausted than he ever had. Standing took so much effort that he swore he fell asleep waiting for the machine to stop.

He ran a hand from the back of his head to the front, and then stopped once it covered his eyes. His chest heaved for a breath as he started back around to the war room, arm falling to his side, lungs rattling in protest. The gash on his shoulders pulled, his ribs ached, and he longed to sleep for the rest of his life, even though he knew no amount of sleep would ever help him until his wounds healed.

Shepard waited patiently for Campbell and Westmoreland to allow him through the scanner, and then marched his way past the meeting room and war room, all the way back to the QEC.

"No rest for the wicked, eh EDI?"

"I am sorry for the interruption, Commander," the AI replied after allowing the door to close behind him.

"It's all right. Shit happens," he muttered, suppressing a yawn. "Get me Councilor Tevos."

He stepped up to the console and folded his arms over his chest, staring blankly ahead while EDI connected him to the asari. It took several minutes for her to get to her own terminal, or so he hoped. He preferred to think of it that way, rather than she enjoyed listening to him ring. Revenge for the times he hung up on them, he supposed, if she was that petty.

The hologram flickered until Tevos was fully projected, and then solidified itself. "Commander Shepard," she said coolly. The way it rolled off her tongue, he thought she was asking him a question.

"Councilor," was his only answer, quickly followed by a brief nod. "Your transmission said it was important?"

"Urgent," she corrected, and his fingers clenched uncomfortably around his arms. "I have received word from Thessian Command. A distress beacon has been located."

"And this is my problem why?"

Her expression hardened, and he reminded himself of who he was speaking to.

"Several commando units have been wiped out in their attempts to respond," Tevos explained.

"Councilor, I'm sure you have other agents who can figure this out. I need to find the—"

She cut him off. "Shepard, if we wanted someone else to solve this issue, we wouldn't have brought the matter to your attention."

He sighed, running a hand down his face. "All right, fine. I'll take the _Normandy_ out and we'll figure this mess out. Forward the coordinates to my pilot."

"Already done, Commander. There will be more instructions when you reach Lesuss."

And without another word, the Councilor's communication was ended. He spent another several minutes just staring at the same spot he had throughout the brief conversation, but then blinked, and forced himself into action. He opened his comm as he turned away, hoping that Liara was still awake.

"Liara?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"Meet Ash and Javik in the shuttle bay."

The comm was switched off a second later and he sighed, stopping before leaving the small room. It felt like ages since he'd stepped into the QEC for the very first time, since he had reported that Cerberus was after what would become the Crucible's plans, since they had raced to the Citadel to save Kaidan's life, since Earth had fallen. He wondered, briefly, how the fight was going, how Anderson was doing. The transmission yesterday hadn't really lended the time to ask, and Anderson barely had time for that.

But thinking of Anderson made him think of his mom, an _admiral_ now, of all things, and he pushed her from his thoughts again. He didn't have the energy to worry about more people than there were on his ship.

Shepard composed himself as he stepped out of the room. Ashley's soft, terrified "I'm scared" rang through his mind as he returned to the elevator, and all he could think of was that he should've been honest.

 _I'm scared too._

* * *

The shuttle had barely pulled out when Shepard already felt chills racing down his spine. The monastery was picture perfect, in all honesty, but it held a dark secret, and just _knowing_ was enough to disturb him.

Tevos had sent them to look into a distress beacon at an Ardat-Yakshi monastery. As soon as Liara had explained further, Shepard had felt his gut clench in disgust and fear. He had had enough of the Ardat-Yakshi when he met Morinth.

"Find the missing commandos," Ashley muttered, drawing his attention away from the door immediately. "Sounds easy enough."

"The keyword there is 'sounds,'" Liara pointed out.

"Thanks, Captain Obvious. You wanna bet Reapers are involved, or are we just going to take that as a given too?"

"Do you often bring undisciplined soldiers with you, Commander?" Javik interjected.

Something about the tone of his voice told Shepard that he was being entirely serious. He honestly wanted to know, and Shepard could've laughed. He was more concerned with how the other two would react, but neither said a word, instead opting to check their surroundings out. Liara headed for an open doorway while Ashley branched off to inspect a nearby skycar.

"Elevator shaft," Liara commented. "Power's out."

"And this is new," Ashley said. "Whoever brought it got here a few minutes before we did."

"Friendlies?"

"Hopefully," Shepard muttered as he and Javik joined Liara in the doorway. "You packin' flares today, Ash?"

She stepped between him and Liara. "Two, yeah. I always have them."

"Drop one down there," he said, nodding at the empty space.

"You got it."

Red light flashed as she popped the cap off, showering the four of them in sparks, before she tossed it down. It followed the cable for a brief moment, and then bounced off the wall opposite of them. Several seconds passed until it landed on the top of the car.

Ashley whistled. "Long way down."

"I'd say so," Shepard agreed, stepping back from the ledge. "Ready to climb through another elevator?"

"We're going down this time, so..."

He nodded. "Get the doors open and make sure the room is clear."

Liara waited for Ashley to start making her way down the shaft before saying, "Why do you always send her off by herself?"

Shepard spread his hands. "If you're suddenly an acrobat or some shit, Liara, be my guest."

She sighed. "That's not what I meant."

"I know," he replied, smirking.

Metal groaned from below, and after several long seconds, the comm sparked to life. "Pretty sure we're clear, Commander."

"Pretty sure?" Javik repeated.

"I'm standing in the middle of an open room and I haven't been shot yet," Ash said flatly.

The Prothean fixed Shepard with a skeptical stare, four eyes unwavering, and he sighed. "Clear it out, okay?"

"Roger that."

Javik made a noise in his throat, but before either of them could argue, Shepard threw his assault rifle onto his back and leapt out to the cable. His hands locked around the threaded wires and he allowed himself to slide several yards down to a small lip in the wall. A door was shoved open and sparking faintly, so he reached a leg out to jump inside. He'd barely landed when a hot white light was flashed in his face, a flashlight.

"Goddammit, Ash."

"You looked a little lost."

"I'm a little blind."

She snorted and offered him a hand up while he recovered from the stun. "Room's clear. Doesn't look like anyone's been here in...well, forever. It's a mess, though."

Shepard blinked repeatedly until he realized she was handing him her flashlight. Probably a good thing, too, considering he didn't bring his helmet. He flipped it around in his hand and clicked it back on for himself.

"Find anything interesting?" Shepard asked.

"A can rolling around the floor," she commented dryly. "The asari haven't been in here, but whoever brought the car has."

He nodded and clicked on his radio. "Liara, Javik, you can start heading down."

Both gave affirmatives shortly before he heard the cable outside wobble. Ashley branched off to continue searching the room, so Shepard waited where he was for the others. He kept the flashlight down by his knees to avoid blinding them the way Ashley had him.

Liara was the first down, quickly followed by Javik.

"The commandos would've come the same way," Liara said.

"Ash said the first person who's been in here was our driver," Shepard replied.

The sentence had barely left his mouth when Liara's face fell. She started to respond, but she was cut off. A shriek split the air and echoed through the room, resonating in his head at such a high pitch that he swore his brain was vibrating.

Once it quieted down, the atrium was silent enough he could've heard a pin drop. None of them wanted to move, to speak, and rightly so. Whatever had made that noise, he was betting it wasn't friendly.

"That's not a good sign," Ashley said. "Shepard?"

His eyes flicked over to her, several yards off, frozen in a crouch as she leaned over something. Something that looked distinctly like a body.

He glanced at Liara and Javik, and then nodded, before making his way over to her. She handed him a datapad that he passed off to Liara, saying, "What is it?"

She moved to the side and rolled the body, an asari, onto her back. Burns and bloody holes covered her armor, and her skin had taken on a grayish tone rather than the usual blues and purples of the race. Her eyes were dead, days gone. This wasn't recent.

"Reapers," he muttered. "What would they want with the Ardat-Yakshi?"

"What do Reapers want with any organic species?" Javik whispered. He didn't sound scolding, or skeptical, or impatient. He almost sounded sorry, and something about that kept him from wanting to answer. An answer wasn't needed in the first place, but it made his stomach drop. They were unlikely to find any survivors.

"The commandos brought a bomb," Liara said, hesitant to interrupt the silence.

She snapped him out of his thoughts and he blinked, frowning. "They what?"

"They were sent to destroy the monastery," she explained. "To prevent the asari here from getting into society."

"Command must've thought the Ardat-Yakshi were responsible for this."

"Yeah," he said.

Liara clutched the datapad for several moments longer, and then threw it aside. "We have to search for survivors."

"We have to finish their mission," Javik snapped. "Before the monsters get off-planet."

"There are people—"

"Who murder you with _sex,_ Liara. Or whatever you asari do. We can't just bring them onto the _Normandy_ and drop them off somewhere," Ashley said. "They'll kill people and we don't exactly have the resources to hunt them down in the middle of a war."

"If we leave them here, the Reapers will kill them!"

"Better them than God only knows how many people out there!"

"Enough!" Shepard snarled. Both of their mouths snapped shut and he sighed, running a hand down his face. "We don't have time for this and we don't want to go shouting our position to anyone that might be in here. So both of you need to suck it up. If we find someone, I'm not leaving them here to die, but we're not just going to let them run free once we leave. Understand?"

No one said anything, but there were nods of acceptance. That was probably the best he was going to get, anyway. He had a habit of meeting stubborn people.

"Liara, did that datapad mention where they were going to set the explosives?"

"The main hall," she said.

Shepard nodded. "Good. Then that's where we're headed. We'll keep an eye out for survivors, but we're not going out of our way to get them. If they don't want to deal with us, then tough luck. I'm not letting any of you get killed for an Ardat-Yakshi."

Satisfied, he gave the three of them each their own once-over, and then started out the open door. Lights were flickering overhead, but it was better than being bathed in total darkness. He tried the next door, finding it jammed, and resorted to the second across a small seating area. Hopping the planter blocking their path, Shepard hit the lock and it hissed before sliding open. The door opened to an arched hallway, with the wall opposite them little more than a large window. A single beam ran across the middle to split and connect the glass, and it led outside, revealing a larger expanse than the view from the shuttle gave.

"This place used to be beautiful," Liara whispered, stepping up to the window.

"Must've been," Ashley agreed, and Shepard was glad to hear nothing but sincerity in her voice.

He swallowed, but he pulled himself together. He was the commanding officer; he had to act like it.

"We keep moving," he said.

No one argued when he led them to the right and out another door, this time onto a balcony. The door had barely opened for them when a shot rang out, whipping directly overhead, and forcing them to run for cover. Shepard dove for the railing, slamming his shoulder into it so hard that he felt it in his teeth. He felt more than saw Ashley jump behind him, heard the snap-hiss of her assault rifle expanding. He glanced back and nodded, a gesture she returned, and looked to Javik on the side across from them. They shared a nod as well, Liara leaning past the Prothean's shoulder to do the same, before the four of them stood and levelled their guns on the source of the shot.

Shepard's eyebrows shot up as a cannibal was launched into the window. Cracks splinters across the glass like hairline fractures, and it slumped to the floor in a small spurt of blood. Purple energy fizzled over its fleshy skin as the biotic finished it off.

An asari in a skin-tight red and gold hardsuit straightened and relaxed her form, and Shepard was flooded with surprise.

"Samara?"

The justicar whirled on them so fast, gun at the ready, that instead of lowering their guns, his companions only hardened their stances. His hand shot out to wrap around the barrel of Ashley's and push it down, and he motioned for Javik and Liara to do the same.

Samara's handgun fell back to her side almost as soon as it was raised, and his eyes flicked to Ashley. She was still tense, but she was holding her gun down on her own, so he returned his gaze to Samara. Ashley had a bad habit of being...protective when it was unnecessary or inappropriate, and he didn't want her to make Samara think something was wrong.

"Commander Shepard," she said in that calm tone of hers. "It is good to see you here."

He smiled and bobbed his head in agreement. "Same to you, but, uh, what are you doing all the way out here? Shouldn't you be on Thessia, or fighting Reapers?"

"I am here for my daughters," she said matter-of-factly.

"Wait, you have _more_ of those murderous little—"

He vaguely remembered the justicar mentioning her children before, back when they were going after Morinth and only then, when it was important. According to her, Morinth was the only one of her three children to ever kill someone, and her other two daughters were living quite happily in a place of peace and comfort.

 _So much for that,_ he thought.

" _Ash,_ " he growled, and she shut herself up.

Samara's gaze left his for a brief moment, fixating itself on his second. "Operative Williams. Tactful and friendly as ever."

"Not like you're any friendlier," she retorted.

He swore there was a hint of an amused smile as Samara returned her attention to him, but it was gone before it even really came, and she said, "It's good to see a familiar face, Shepard."

"I understand that feeling," he said, huffing. "But where are your daughters? Are they still alive?"

Samara looked down at her feet while she spoke. "The Ardat-Yakshi are a reclusive group of asari, Commander, not a helpless one." His mouth thinned into a line. "Rila and Felare are capable of defending themselves."

Rather than argue with her, he said, "You know about the commandos? Their plan to blow this place?"

"I do, yes."

"Good, because that's what we came here to do," Shepard said. "We'll help you find your daughters, and then get the hell out of here."

"Find your bomb, Shepard. I can find my daughters on my own. We'll meet up further inside."

"You can't go alone!" he protested, but it was too late. Samara was already making her way through another door, disappearing within the walls of the monastery. "Well shit."

"I'm surprised she hasn't gotten herself killed," Ashley commented. Liara arched a brow and opened her mouth, but Ashley cut her off with a hand. "'We could say the same to you, Ash.' Did I get that right? 'Cause I've already gotten myself killed. Twice, technically."

Much to his surprise, all Liara did was smile.

He rolled his eyes and shook his head, then jerked his head in the direction of another door. "Come on. Let's get to it."

The three silently fell in line, with Ashley in her usual place to his right, Liara on his left, and Javik bringing up the rear. He led them through what felt like a maze of hallways, rooms, and elevators until they finally found themselves jogging down a staircase that led out into a courtyard. The air was cool and crisp, but reeked the same way every Reaper-infested world did, and he resisted the urge to gag. It was a disgusting cross between death and rotting bodies, coupled with a strange metallic stench that reminded him of silver. It made his stomach roil.

They stopped at the base of the steps, at which point Ashley felt it necessary to announce the obvious.

"Well, this screams ambush."

He glanced back at her. "Thanks, Captain Obvious." She scowled at his use of the insult she flung at Liara earlier, and he smirked to himself as he motioned for them to fan out. Liara followed him down the left side of the pathway, water still bubbling out of the small pools on either side of the yard, while Ashley took Javik down the right.

There it was again, the pained shriek of some unknown creature, but this time, it was much, much closer. Almost right on top of them, and Shepard held up a hand to stop their advance. He strained his ears to listen, looked to Ashley to see if she heard anything, but there was nothing. The only sound he could hear was wind whistling overhead, tugging slightly at his short hair, and the gurgling water.

He gave the all clear, and he stood to continue on. The hairs on his arms were standing on end and his heart was pounding, but he couldn't see any immediate danger, and sitting around to wait wasn't an option. Reapers didn't need to move, or eat, or drink like people did. They could wait in a single place forever.

Another shriek, up from his left. He spun and trained the barrel of his rifle on the alcove above, dropping back to a crouch all in one motion. It was there, he was sure of it.

 _They're baiting us,_ he thought.

He motioned for Ashley and Javik to go ahead of them and take cover against one of the many decorative pillars, but as soon as his hand returned to his rifle, a gray, grotesque form of an asari staggered from the alcove. Its arms were elongated and it could've easily towered over him. It looked starved, almost, as its limbs were bone thin, but its stomach was bloated.

"Holy shit."

"Open fire!" he shouted.

His Avenger kicked into his shoulder the instant he pulled the trigger. He was the first to fire and, consequently, the first to be targeted. Gunfire erupted all around him, and he swore.

"They're coming from the ducts!" Liara said.

"Spread out," he ordered.

"Spreading out doesn't work if there's no damn cover, Shepard!" Ashley retorted.

The asari extended a hand as his mind raced, trying to think, and threw an orb of purplish-black energy straight for his chest. It connected. His hardsuit's alarm went off as it ripped through his shields.

"It's a biotic!"

A bullet tore into the gap between his armor, planting itself solidly in his bicep, and while his hardsuit scrambled to activate protocols and cover the wound with medigel, he forced himself to his feet. He swapped his rifle for his shotgun, and went on the offensive. They were going to get slaughtered if he didn't.

He built up a charge as quickly as he could before beginning the leap across the courtyard, but halfway through, he was brought to an abrupt stop, caught, and thrown back into one of the columns. His head didn't connect, thankfully, but his back did, and as he fell into the water, pain lanced through his body.

 _That's not something medigel is gonna fix,_ he grumbled to himself.

"Look out!"

Shepard barely had the energy to lift his head, but he forced his body to comply, and the last thing he saw was one of the pillars falling.

It should've hit him. It _would have_ hit him if it wasn't for Liara, rushing to his side to throw up a shield to protect them. He stared for a half a second, but someone, Javik, was shouting at him to move, and he fumbled. The next thing he knew, he was moving, and Ashley was tackling Liara out of the way. The ground shook beneath his feet as the pillar completed its fall, spraying water over the lot of them as it busted part of the fountain system.

"Focus on the cannibals!" he shouted.

He tracked down his shotgun before charging straight for the asari, leaping the fallen column, and using his momentum to finish the jump. As he came down, he pulled all of his energy back into his fist and slammed it into the asari's jaw, throwing it to the floor. Shepard rolled as his feet met the tiles, bouncing back up as he hit his adrenaline high.

Against any normal person, that blow would've twisted their neck and killed them. The asari, however, couldn't be that easy; it just wasn't his luck. As he cocked his shotgun, it climbed back up and launched him again, back into a wall. He hadn't felt another biotic's energy on him in years, but now it was happening constantly, and it made his skin crawl. First Kaidan's, now this Reaper-controlled asari's. It left him feeling tainted, violated almost.

Shepard decided right then and there that he hated these things.


	98. Chapter 98

**A/N** **: Another update! And look, it didn't take me two and a half weeks to write! :O Much pride, such wow. And, *gasp*, it's not overly angsty or action-oriented like every other chapter! It's just...really, really sappy and silly instead XD. Hope you guys like it!**

* * *

His thumbs rubbed together and he glanced up, back towards the window between him and the med bay. Liara wasn't anywhere near as severely wounded as she'd been after they cured the genophage, but he still felt guilty for not remembering. She'd almost _died,_ and he just _forgot._ So many other things in the galaxy to worry about, but he forgot.

She was sitting up, talking rather animatedly with Chakwas. She didn't even get hurt this time, just stressed the wound, and that had freaked Ashley out enough to practically drag the asari into the med bay herself.

Shepard snorted at the memory, at Liara's pained groan and Ashley's panicked attempt to catch her when she fell. He had always been told he was protective of his friends, of his soldiers, but Ashley took it to another level.

A hand smoothed over his shoulder as its owner brushed past. He didn't even have to look up from his thumbs to know who it was; there were only two people on this ship who were willing to touch him in such a friendly manner, and aside from Ashley, the other one was seated in the medbay.

"What are you doing down here?" she asked.

He flicked his eyes up to hers and nodded in Liara's direction. "Just waiting."

Ashley's gaze followed his, but she shrugged. "She'll be fine."

"I know," he said. "I just feel like I'm responsible for her. We killed her mom and if she were human, she'd barely be twenty. I hate seeing her hurt."

Ashley nodded mutely, watching Liara before shifting her attention back to him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her chewing on her lip, trying to decide between maintaining their usual air of professionalism by sitting across from him, or throwing it to the wind and sitting beside him. Sure, they could just be friends and she could sit next to him, but they toed that line everyday, and while the Alliance couldn't necessarily stop either of them, it was still ingrained.

Eventually she decided to sit with him, folding her hands together in front of her on the table.

"You're in my seat," she whispered, leaning a little closer so as to drop her voice even lower.

He frowned and tore his eyes from the two in the med bay. "I'm what?"

"You're in my seat," Ashley repeated. "For sulking. You're sulking where I usually sulk."

"I'm not—"

She laughed. "Yeah, you are. The way your eyebrows crinkle together, fiddling with your fingers. You're sulking."

Shepard huffed and forced a small smirk in her direction. "You know me so well."

"Probably because I'm up your ass so often," she said. He started to protest, but she interrupted. "I seem to remember those being _your_ words, Shepard."

He paused, but a genuine smile pulled at his lips. "Sorry."

"Nah," she said dismissively. "So what's got you so moody now? Liara? Samara? The way things worked out down there?"

He shook his head. "Nope. Just...tired."

Ashley snorted. "That's a crappy reason."

"I'm relieved that we got someone out," he said, "and I'm glad I talked Samara down, but I'm exhausted. I got thrown around like a rag doll today, Ash."

"Maybe you shouldn't be throwing yourself around so carelessly then," she retorted.

He laughed once, amused, and shook his head. "You're a pain in the ass, y'know."

"I may have heard that once or twice," Ashley said.

"Once or twice," he muttered under his breath, chuckling. "Quotes around the 'once or twice,' right?"

She grinned. "You know it."

"Lucky me," he said sarcastically.

She elbowed him, gently, and he laughed. She was laughing with him, and for a while, it was nice to just sit together like that. It was good to see her smiling after hearing how depressed she was earlier, and it was a pleasant change from shouting at each other over gunfire.

"You know," Ashley started, "I don't know a lot about you. I know your tells, and I know you used to have a thing for that Spider-Man guy, but...that's it."

He arched a brow. "Where'd that come from?"

She shrugged. "It just occurred to me. You know all this stuff about me, but I know next to nothing about you. I barely even know your middle name."

"All right," he said. "So what is it, then? My middle name?"

"Adam."

"Spot on," Shepard said, smirking.

Ashley rolled her eyes as she leaned back against the wall, folding her arms over her chest. "So...are you gonna tell me why? Or was it just something your parents picked in a spur of the moment?"

He swallowed and looked back down at his hands. "My mom picked it when she found out she was pregnant. It was my dad's name. She wanted to surprise him with the news when he got back from his deployment, but..." He shook his head. "Dad never came home."

Her eyes widened. "Oh. Oh my God. Shepard, I'm sorry. I shouldn't—"

"Don't worry about it," he said, waving her apology aside. "I never knew him and mom was never afraid to talk about him, so it's not like I'm missing out on anything, y'know?"

Ashley nodded as she sat back up, eyes drifting towards Liara, and then back to him. "I don't really remember my dad, so...I guess that's fair."

"You don't?"

"I don't like to think that far back," she said quickly. "It hurts. Headaches and all, I mean." Ashley took a breath, got up, and headed for the fridge across the mess hall, almost like she was looking for a way out of the conversation. She came back a few minutes later with two bottles of water and flavoring packets to match. He didn't catch what she took, but she handed him a grape flavor, and he smiled.

"I'd kill for real grapes," he commented as he tore the top open.

She paused. "Technically, you are."

"That was a bad joke."

"It wasn't a joke."

He pursed his lips before taking a sip. The cold water felt good on his throat, and the sweet sugary taste made him smile again.

"What's your mom like?"

Shepard frowned at her past the water bottle. "My mom? Why?"

Ashley shrugged. "I've told you about my family. Why won't you tell me about yours?"

"It's not that I don't want to," he said. "I'm just not used to someone wanting to know this stuff."

"Sounds to me like you haven't been hanging around people who give a damn."

He shook his head. "No, they do, and you know that." She cracked a smirk. "It's more that I don't give anyone the chance to ask. And...I suppose you know that, too." Another smirk, this one wider. She was genuinely interested, that much he could tell; her eyes weren't flitting around the room like they usually did.

"I don't really know, if I'm being perfectly honest," he admitted. "She's a good soldier, I know that much."

Ashley scoffed. "She's an admiral, captaining a dreadnought. I think that's pretty common knowledge."

"Yeah, suppose so," Shepard agreed, snorting. "It's just... I don't know. She spent as much time with me as she could, but...the Alliance was always more important. Don't get me wrong, I love her. I just wish we could've spent more time together, y'know? I used to always hear about how brave she was, or how fair she was, but I never got to see it for myself. She was always on duty, leaving me as one of those kids on the station everyone had a hand in taking care of. And whenever she wasn't, she was always getting ready to be deployed again. I doubt she even knows I ever had a thing for superheroes as a kid, or that the guy piloting my ship was our neighbor."

"Wait, really?"

He nodded, smiling faintly. "I knew Joker when I was little. I think I was seven. Or six. Or maybe he was six." He waved a hand. "Either way, you get the point. The other kids used to pick on him and I got into a couple fights because of it."

Her eyebrows shot up in disbelief. "Really?"

"Yeah. I got my ass handed to me quite a few times. Even after we moved, I'd still get into fights. First time I ever used my biotics, I knocked a kid's teeth out."

"You're joking."

He shook his head. "Nope. You don't believe me, go ask Joker. He'll tell you. We used to get into all kinds of trouble on Arcturus."

"I just find it really hard to imagine you picking fights with other children," Ashley admitted. "After all, you're...you."

Shepard laughed. "I wasn't always like this. I had a pretty bad streak going as a kid. The only reason my ass straightened out was because I joined the Alliance."

"And you joined because you wanted to protect people."

"Yeah," he said. "Told you that before. I've gotta say, I'm surprised you remembered."

"I remember just about everything you tell me. Or that anyone tells me, for that matter. I'm like a walking computer. Except...not literally, like EDI."

He chuckled with her at the crappy joke. "So why'd you join the Alliance?"

Ashley laughed and shook her head. "I told you this years ago."

"I know. You said you joined because it felt like an obligation. We're both military brats, and every other military brat I've met hasn't joined _only_ because it felt like they had to. I joined because I wanted to protect people. So what's up with you?"

Ashley didn't respond for a while, seemingly thinking of a legitimate answer. For the longest time, all she did was frown at the cap on her water bottle, and he just watched, patiently waiting for her answer. He stared at the side of her head while she fiddled with the plastic in her hands, and even though he could feel someone else's eyes on him, on them, he reached out to brush her hair behind her ear.

"Honestly, Shepard? I don't know. I've never claimed to be very bright. I mean, I looked at the Alliance and thought, 'I'm gonna join _despite_ having a shitty reputation for something I didn't even do.' I had to sit in history class as a kid and listen to my teacher rant about how horrible my grandfather was for protecting his men and the civilians on Shanxi. I had to see my dad work his ass off for nothing his entire life. Any smart person would've steered clear of the Alliance like it was the plague, but I didn't. The day I turned eighteen, I marched my ass down to the nearest recruiting station and signed my contract, and I didn't look back."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm glad you joined," he said.

She laughed once, bemused. "I didn't really answer your question, did I?"

"You did," Shepard said. "You might not have said it, but I know you well enough to figure it out." She just fixed him with a quizzical look, begging an explanation, so he gave it. "You joined because you couldn't stand hearing people talk about your family like you were second-class citizens. You wanted to prove everyone, and I mean everyone, wrong. You want to fix what Shanxi did to your name...don't you?"

Ashley shrugged. "Sounds like what would've been going through my head."

"You mean it's still not?"

"Why would it be? Everything notable I've done with my life and my career has gotten people killed. Either I led my squad to their death, or I let Cerberus brainwash me into killing Alliance troops. That's not exactly something to be proud of, or something to bring up at a family reunion."

"Maybe not," he agreed. "But you're still a Spectre. One of humanity's first. That's something to be proud of."

"I wouldn't have become a Spectre if Kaidan hadn't died," she said, "or if I hadn't died. I only became a Spectre because the Illusive Man decided he wanted revenge."

Shepard frowned as Ashley's eyes widened. "Revenge for what?"

She shook her head. "It's nothing to worry about."

"Yeah, it is. If the Illusive Man's out for revenge, I wanna know why."

"And I want to know what caused you to attack me all those weeks ago in the shuttle bay, but that's not going to happen either, is it?"

He pursed his lips and looked away. That wasn't something he was willing to share. Not with a therapist, not with Chakwas, not his mom. No one _needed_ to worry about him so much; he had a good grasp on reality, for the most part, and didn't need to be fussed over.

But Ashley continued to. She fussed over him in her own way. She worried about him. She trusted him enough to go looking for him when she was falling apart. She showed him the worst part of herself and she didn't shy away afterwards. Why was it so hard for him to just tell her the truth?

"Elysium," he said softly. "I...had a flashback to Elysium."

He took a shaky breath, forcing his eyes shut, ashamed and embarrassed all at once, but Ashley was squeezing his hand; it was so reassuring that it made his heart ache from guilt. She'd broken his ribs in the fight, but he'd tried to bash her skull in. He tried to kill James, too. And he _never_ quite apologized for it. He felt guilty, yes, and he was relieved they were both okay, but he never told her he was sorry.

"It's okay, Shepard."

He shook his head as his throat constricted. "No, it's not. I spent months in therapy before I was cleared for active duty. This shouldn't be a problem."

"You lost Elysium to the Reapers just before your flashback. It's perfectly normal."

He scoffed. "You sound like a therapist."

"Probably because I've spent more time in their offices than I have with you."

Shepard scoffed again, getting out a disbelieved laugh, before it devolved into a fit of stressed chuckles. He ran his hands down his face, heaving a deep breath. "That's something we're going to have to fix."

"Maybe when we're not trying to save the galaxy, all right?"

His head snapped up, surprised, and his brows rose. Did she just say what he thought she did? Did she _really_ say that? No, he had to be hearing things. He was losing his mind. That was why he had that flashback, that was why he was having nightmares about Elysium all over again, that was why he clung to her like an addict to red sand.

"What?"

He shook his head in disbelief. "Nothing, it's just..." He shook his head again, at a loss for words, and couldn't contain a smile from creeping its way over his lips. "You never agreed to sticking around even though I've been trying to ask you for months now."

Ashley frowned, and he was struck by the realization that he hated that look on her. She looked better when she smiled, when she was happy than confused or upset. He didn't want her to be upset.

"I thought that was a given."

His mouth moved, but no words would come out, and she laughed at him.

"You didn't think you'd get rid of me that easily, did you?"

She went to stand, but as she did, she seemed to either forget, or not care, that Liara and Chakwas could see them, and leaned over to kiss him. Right there. _In front of people._

Her lips had barely touched his when someone was clearing their throat, _loudly,_ but that didn't stop her. Only once she was satisfied did she break the kiss, and then she was walking away, back past the person who attempted to interrupt, totally unaffected while he just sat there, stupefied.

"See you in the morning, Trakes," Ashley said casually, strolling past.

"Uh... Yeah, see you...in the morning?" It came out like a question and Shepard could hear her laughing as she headed for the elevator. For a half a second, he wondered _why,_ but then the memory struck him like a slap to the face, and he paled slightly.

Shepard blinked to draw himself back into reality, but by the time he did, Trakes had clapped him on the back roughly.

"Took you two long enough."

"Yeah," he muttered, listening with half an ear. "Wait, what?"

That got him to laugh as he went past for the tiny kitchen, rooting through the cupboards to find something to eat, and Shepard followed.

"Not a word, you hear me?"

Trakes poked his head out from the shelves, and then nodded back to the med bay. "It's not me you'll have to worry about." Shepard glanced back to follow his gaze, seeing Liara's knowing smirk and Chakwas' vain attempt to contain her own, and he groaned as he ran a hand down his face. He pinched the bridge of his nose while the other marine chuckled to himself. "It's not like you've exactly been secretive, y'know."

"What are you—"

"It's hard to miss those doe-eyed looks you'll shoot each other across the CIC," he said. "You look like teenagers. And it's _impossible_ to miss the sexual tension when you're mad at each other. You think there's a reason we clear out if y'all are near each other _and_ in a pissy mood?"

Shepard could only scowl.

Trakes pulled out a snack bar and threw it to him. It wasn't that Shepard was hungry, but that he needed something to take his mind off this rapidly deteriorating situation. If he ran after Ashley to the elevator, it would look more than suspicious, so he settled in to explain himself.

"I'm happy for you," Trakes said before leaning against the counter. "Really, I am. It's nice to see that despite the shit we're going through, you can find _some_ happiness."

"Don't start getting sentimental on me now," Shepard said. "I may start to like you."

He laughed. "I'm serious."

"That'd be a first," Shepard quipped, and Trakes grinned.

"I _am_ serious, Shepard," he said. "I don't think I've seen Ashley smile like that in months. And I certainly haven't seen _you_ smile like that."

Shepard took a bite from the fruit and nut bar, and as he munched on it, he thought, _Maybe you haven't, but I have._

There was a hint of smug pride in the grin that tugged at his lips, but he didn't care. There was something liberating in knowing people _knew._ They hadn't been reported even though it was well within everyone's rights _to_ report them. It was good knowing that his crew could understand.

"By the way, you might want to be careful around the crew quarters in the morning," Trakes said.

Shepard frowned. "Why's that?"

"Not everyone bet that you two would get it over with."


	99. Chapter 99

**A/N** **: I don't know if I'll get another chapter up by the 11th (but at the rate I've been going the last few days, who knows), so I wanted to say this now. A whole year! You guys have stuck with me and this fic for a whole year! Dunno if you guys think that's awesome or not, but I definitely do! It's so wonderful to see people coming to check this out even if they're not Ashley or broShep fans (especially if they're not Ashley or broShep fans XD).**

 **All of you are seriously so amazing and delightful to interact with (when I remember to reply to y'all) and I couldn't have asked for better readers! I hope you guys have had an awesome year and continue to enjoy this fic! And I hope you enjoy the chapter; it's something I've been planning for quite a while now!**

* * *

Without all the crates and supports, the shuttle bay felt infinitely larger. It was one of those things he liked about being back under Alliance Command again; that, and having the armory where it belonged, instead of on deck one. Granted, it being there had probably been the reason so many of his crew had survived the Collector attack, but it was otherwise useless and impractical.

And as they trooped back off the shuttle, he was even more grateful. Stripping off his armor never felt so good, so relieving, as it did now, and he barely had the energy to stuff the suit back into his locker. To his right, Trakes seemed to be in a similar situation, sagging against the metal to help cool off. He had never run so far for so long in his entire life. They wouldn't have needed to run that long if Garneau hadn't been closing and locking doors behind him, but holy hell, Shepard's muscles were cramping so badly that he could've collapsed.

"So much for 'we won't need weapons,' huh?" Trakes muttered.

Shepard let out a laugh of exhaustion with his fellow N7, shaking his head. "All that tells us is the Reapers are just as serious about this Leviathan as we are."

"About that," Cortez started. "What makes you so sure we'll be able to use it?"

"Might not even be a weapon," Ashley interjected. Still in her hardsuit, more worried about cleaning her guns than anything else. And to make it worse, she didn't even look like she broke a sweat, which left Shepard more jealous than not.

"And what else could it be?" Trakes retorted.

She glanced up and back, frowning first at Shepard, and then Trakes, before shrugging. "Who knows? Maybe it's a person."

"Do you know something we don't?" Shepard demanded, to which she only shrugged again.

"Just thinking of all the possibilities," she said. "It's not like Garneau was talking about it like Leviathan was a weapon. That's all I'm saying."

He frowned at her and she looked away again, much to his irritation. She never failed to find ways to get on his frayed nerves. He swore she had it down to a science. "And if you did know something about this, you'd tell me, right?"

Ashley arched a brow back at him, somehow managing to make it look like a frown on top of it all. "Of course I would. Why wouldn't I?"

He fixed her with a heavy stare. "Do I need to spell it out?"

Her locker slammed shut. "If that was a problem still, Shepard, I wouldn't be here, and neither would you."

Shepard's mouth thinned into a line, but as he was about to make a shot back, an alarm went off across the ship.

"Reaper forces are approaching the _Normandy,_ " EDI reported in her usual, toneless voice.

For several long, deathly silent, seconds, no one moved a muscle as the reality of it sank in. Reapers. They were moving in.

"How bad is it?" Shepard demanded.

"A capital ship accompanied by a pair of carriers," the AI said. "Their trajectory suggests they are headed for the ship and not the station."

Dread settled over him as the crew began scattering for weapons. The Reapers were after _them._ Not the helpless, confused civilians on the asteroid. _Them._ His people. His crew, his ship.

They were going to die if he didn't act fast.

"Ash, get on the bridge," he said. She didn't miss a beat; she was already on the elevator by the time he was turning to Trakes. "You stay here and make sure we're not boarded. If we are, get everyone on the shuttles and space them. Got it?"

Trakes nodded, eyes widening in an unreadable expression, even as the rest of his features hardened. "And if we can't get to the shuttles?"

"Then improvise. I'm not spacing everyone down here just to save the rest of the crew."

He hesitated, but nodded again as he began suiting back up. Shepard threw on his hardsuit as quickly as he'd ever done in his life, rearmed himself, and then marched onto the elevator. He carried his helmet under an arm, fingered the grip of his pistol.

His eyes focused on the N7 insignia plastered to the side of the helmet and swallowed.

He saw it again, the yellow beam of the Collector ship tearing the SR-1 in half as he tried to evacuate Joker. He saw the beaten, broken bodies of the survivors from their raid on the SR-2. He felt the panic creep over him as he realized his oxygen supply was cut off, as he realized he was about to die. His chest tightened and his lungs _screamed._

Shepard squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath through his nose. "Not again," he promised himself. "We're not going down."

The ride took forever. Every second of it, he could smell smoke, feel it in his lungs. He could hear Kaidan shouting at him to evacuate, could hear Joker yelling his name. He heard the screams as his crew was cut off from the escape pods, killed in explosions from overloaded systems.

 _Not this time._

This time they were ready. They knew they were going to be attacked. It wasn't much of an advantage, but it was better than an ambush. The Collectors had come down upon the SR-1 so fast that they'd had no time to prepare or react.

 _Not. This. Time,_ he repeated as the doors hissed open.

Traynor was in her usual position by the galaxy map, silently typing away on her screens with such a focused expression that it stunned him. But aside from the comms specialist and himself, the rest of the crew was seated at their stations.

They were ready. They _had_ to be.

Shepard was impressed. He was _proud._ No one was panicking; no one was asking for direction. Three Reaper ships were coming at them, and they were calm.

A capital ship, two carriers. They were going to attempt to board, and if that failed, then the Reapers were going to blast them to hell. And there was something oddly satisfying to know that they sent _two_ carriers instead of one, that they were being backed up by a dreadnaught. The Reapers were afraid of Shepard and his crew, and just knowing that have him a smug sense of pride.

He stepped onto the bridge and pulled his helmet on, but left the visor open. It made it easier to see, and the longer he didn't have to breathe double-filtered air, the better. Ashley, however, didn't seem to be having the same compunctions, and when she glanced back at him, he could just see it from her body language.

She was scared.

He nodded once and she returned the gesture before refocusing herself on the viewport. The _Normandy_ was drifting within the approach vector for the mining station, but he knew Joker was waiting for the order to make a break for it. He could see it in the pilot's hand, hovering over a single key.

"Distress beacon's been launched and acknowledged," EDI reported.

"Already?" Shepard asked.

"When you say there's two Council Spectres on board, people come running surprisingly fast," Joker said. It came out like a joke of some sort, but there was no hint of amusement in his voice. He was completely serious, like it was a shock that anyone would come to save their ass after the last time it needed saving.

"How far out is the response team?"

"Too far," Ashley whispered.

He swallowed, but kept his expression in check. "Contact the station and have them bring up their defense systems."

"That'll only make them targets," she said.

"It's either that or get shot down immediately," Joker retorted.

"He's right, Ash," Shepard said. "Do it. If they don't add their guns, they'll end up dead anyway."

She looked away, back down to her feet, and he was reminded of how far she'd come in what felt like the shortest year of his life. He could remember when looking at her feet was all the more capable Ashley was of showing just about any emotion.

"We can't outgun one of their dreadnoughts," Ashley said softly. "It'll deploy its own fighters and rip us to shreds. It's two kilometers of death, Shepard. We need to run."

"And they'll catch us," he said.

"It's better than dying here."

"We're not dying today," Shepard said resolutely. "I'm not losing another _Normandy_ to these bastards."

She ripped her helmet off in a fit of irritation. "Commander, we _can't_ take down a capital ship. Definitely not if we're expecting to be boarded, and even if it came alone, it would still slaughter us. An entire fleet can be destroyed by a single ship like that."

"If you're so sure we're going to die," he said, "then why not go down swinging?"

She swallowed and frowned, but she nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Good," Shepard said. He looked back to EDI, still sitting quietly in her copilot's seat. "How far out is the response team?"

A repeat question. This time, Ashley said nothing in favor of returning her helmet to her head.

"Fifteen minutes."

"Who's coming?"

"A detachment of the Fifth Fleet," EDI answered. "A dreadnought and three cruisers."

"Get me a line with the officer in charge," he said. EDI gave her acknowledgement. "Ash, is there anything you can tell us about these things? Where to shoot, patterns, anything?"

She nodded again, but was quiet for several moments. "The firing chamber on the capital ship. It opens and closes with every shot. If we can get into position and fire on it before it hits us, we should be able to destroy its weapon, if not the whole ship."

"And if not?"

"There's a reason a dreadnought answered the distress beacon, Commander."

He pursed his lips. "They're expecting us to get shot down."

"It's a recovery team, not a response team," she said softly.

Shepard pushed the foreboding thought from his mind. "We're not going down. Not again."

"Who are you lying to, Shepard?" she snapped. "Us, or yourself?"

 _Both._

"I want you in the CIC," he said flatly. "Run the combat manuevers and tell Garrus when to fire." She straightened, giving a stiff salute in affirmation, and marched out of the cockpit. Joker waited for her to leave before whistling in amazement, but Shepard spoke before the pilot got the chance. "How far out are the Reapers?"

"They're almost within firing range," Joker answered.

He nodded grimly. "Shields up. Sound the boarding alarm and seal off the crew deck. Non-combat personnel only. No one moves down there without my say-so."

"Yes sir."

The door locked behind them and, faintly, he could hear a blare as the alarm wailed. Thirty seconds, and it automatically shut off. It was an alert for the crew to get into position for an unavoidable reality.

"Scans indicate lock," Ashley's voice reported from EDI's computers. "The capital ship is in firing range."

"Divert non-critical power to the shields," he ordered.

"The carriers are approaching fast," Joker said. "Want me to punch it?"

Shepard shook his head and hit the lock on his helmet. The visor snapped shut over his face. "Wait for my signal, and then I want you running circles around them until reinforcements arrive."

"Communication established with response team," EDI said. "They've entered the system, but are still en route."

Joker pulled up a closed screen and shifted it to focus on Shepard. "Project it," he said.

It fizzled in much the same way any projection in the QEC would when there were Reapers nearby. But the face that came into view, blonde hair with a single streak of gray, the same piercing eyes, it made his blood run cold in surprise even as his heart throbbed with relief.

 _She's okay._

"Commander."

Shepard was suddenly glad he had already closed his visor. If his mom saw the stupid look of relief he was sure he was wearing, he'd be more embarrassed than he already was.

"Admiral," he said. He was proud of himself for keeping his voice from cracking.

"Seems you've gotten yourself into quite the predicament," she said.

He inclined his head once. "Runs in the family."

Hannah cracked a smile, a small one, and he realized it had been years, _years,_ since he had actually seen her face-to-face, much less over a vid call.

But it disappeared just as quickly as it came, and she was down to business.

"How many VIPs including yourself are on board?"

He did a quick mental rundown, and then sighed. "Five. L—"

"A carrier is preparing to dock!" Ashley cut in.

Shepard tore his gaze from his mother's and shifted his focus to the viewport. And as soon as his eyes locked on the purple mass pulling parallel to his ship, his heart stopped.

"Go!" he exclaimed.

"Commander, I need to verify this communication," Hannah insisted. "VIP names. Now."

The ship jerked to dodge and he grunted as he caught himself on Joker's seat. "Lieutenant Commander Kyler Shepard, Lieutenant Commander Ashley Williams, Staff Lieutenant Solomen Trakes, Liara T'Soni, and Garrus Vakarian."

She looked away from the screen as someone verified the information, and he returned his attention to his pilot.

"Joker?"

"We're in the clear for the moment," he said. "It'll take the carriers a few minutes to realign with the observation decks and the airlock."

"What do you have on the capital ship?"

"The fighters have yet to be launched," EDI said.

"They're being prepped," Ashley added. "Scans are showing docking bays being opened along the portside of the Reaper."

"And if we shot it?" he asked.

"You're gonna piss that Reaper off."

"Get us into position," Shepard said. "Get the cannons ready. I want us gone by the time it returns fire." Joker cracked his knuckles, but didn't respond. That was as good an answer as any. "EDI, what's the status of the station's defenses?"

"They are preparing to fire," the AI said.

"Have them direct their attention on the carriers. I want that capital ship's eyes on us."

"Kyler?"

Only two people in the entire galaxy have ever called him by his first name. His mom, Ashley. They were the only two people who really knew him _for_ him, so it was fitting, even if his relationship with his mom was rocky at best. She still knew him better than Garrus or Tali, or even Liara.

"We've verified your distress call and we're five minutes out. Can you hold out that long?"

He nodded. "When you get here, assist the station and stay clear of the capital ship. They'll be looking to take out our dreadnoughts and we've already lost one. We'll worry about it."

"You better fire on that thing before it releases its fighters or we won't last thirty seconds, let alone five minutes, Shepard," Ashley snapped.

His mother frowned and he almost laughed before he closed the channel. "Joker?"

"Waiting for your order," he said.

Shepard swallowed as the _Normandy_ banked, putting itself directly between the Reaper ship and the asteroid they were caught trying to leave. The ship was absolutely massive, larger than any ship he'd seen, sitting at an intimidating length of two kilometers. Alliance dreadnoughts were barely 900 meters long, and they were the only ships that could stand toe-to-toe with a ship of that magnitude. Problem being, no ship they knew of could withstand a hit from their cannons, and dreadnoughts were not as agile as the _Normandy._

"Save our ammo," Shepard said. "Wait for our chance at the firing chamber and use the cannons for the fighters."

"Yes, sir."

Even at that distance, the Reaper was intimidating. Shepard almost dared to say it was as intimidating as the destroyer he and Ashley had rushed on Tuchanka, but this was different. The destroyer had been small, tiny, in comparison with this thing, and they could be defeated. But capital ships? They were terrifying in every aspect. As far as they knew, only one had been taken down before. That was Sovereign, and it took the might of the Fifth Fleet to bring him down, while he was distracted.

This one wasn't distracted, and they had four ships.

"Commander?" Ashley's voice was filled with barely concealed worry, a warning edge stuck to it.

"Fire now!"

The front of the ship erupted in a flash of hot white light, but Joker was steering them out of the way before they could even get visual confirmation. They passed behind the asteroid as the station opened fire on the carriers, and he could hear the relieved sighs and excited whoops from the CIC.

"I take it we hit it?"

Joker flashed him a grin. "Hell fucking yeah we did!"

"Bring us around for another pass," Shepard ordered.

Business. Professional. He could pat himself and his crew on the back once they were out of this mess. Right now he had to guide them through a game of chicken with a Reaper.

Joker pulled them from behind the asteroid as Ashley scrambled to give a warning.

"One of the carriers is on an intercept—"

There was a crunch as they passed beneath it, just barely. He could hear plating tear off the hull and Joker grumble to himself as he frantically adjusted to get them lower. The pilot's readings must've come through the same instant Ashley's had, or else they would've been grabbed.

He was acutely aware of how often EDI saved their lives, but that drove the point home. Not only had she saved his and his team's life, but now it was the entire ship, and the crew with it. Whatever doubts he might've harbored from her spying on them before were erased the moment he reached that conclusion.

"We've got fighters on scans out here," Ashley said.

"I see them," Joker responded.

"Have the station redirect their fire," Shepard ordered.

As EDI did just that, Ashley said, "They don't even know what they're fighting and they're still risking their lives."

"We did just free them from ten years of indoctrination," Shepard said.

"Yeah, it's just...weird. Good weird, but weird."

He sighed. "You gotta have faith in people sometimes."

She didn't answer, hopefully to return to her designated task, and Shepard shifted his focus back to his own. The viewports didn't shed much light on the situation with the carriers or the capital ship, but Shepard was reasonably sure that one of the former was occupied in repositioning itself, and if Ashley wasn't actively relaying information back to him over the comm, he was satisfied to know that Joker was handling it.

Back around the asteroid again, this time to give the station an opportunity to line up shots on the trail of oculuses they'd most likely accumulated. Instead of going directly around to confront the capital ship again, however, Joker guided them through the small field of debris and stone, and then looped over it.

They were greeted with a blast of red light from the front of the ship. It shot overhead, between them and the asteroid, and tore a chunk through it. There was a roar as the rock crumbled, and he flinched. Joker's hands flew as he compensated for new obstacles, but it was too little too late. The _Normandy_ wobbled on its path as a hunk of debris clipped the set of thrusters on the starboard side of the ship.

Shepard had to catch himself on Joker's chair again, gripping it tightly enough he was sure his knuckles were as white as the accents of his hardsuit.

"How much longer until our reinforcements arrive?"

"Forty-five seconds," EDI reported.

"It's gonna be a long forty-five seconds," Joker said.

"We've lasted this long," Shepard said. "We can last another minute."

"Hope you got yourselves strapped in up there, 'cause that firing chamber is opening again," Ashley said.

Joker glanced up at Shepard, but didn't comment. "As strapped in as we're gonna get."

Shepard's brow crinkled in mild, stressed, amusement at his choice of words. "Don't bring us in until they get here. When it opens to take down the dreadnought, that's when we fire."

"Don't you think that's cutting it a little close?"

"Maybe, but it'll be our best shot. For now, worry about steering clear of its cannon and the carriers. Take out as many fighters as you can."

Joker bobbed his head, and Shepard allowed himself to lapse into a trance-like state.

His _mom_ was coming to get them out of this mess. Hannah Shepard. Mom, Rear Admiral. She was so many things, but he had never expected her to be the one saving his ass from anything, and definitely not a Reaper.

The irony wasn't lost on him, either, or the convenience, whatever it was he was looking for, that Ashley had brought her up just last night, and now here she was.

 _"She's an admiral, captaining a dreadnought."_

 _Admiral,_ he thought, mouth going dry. He only just realized that he _hadn't_ known his mother had been promoted. He hadn't even known she was stationed on another dreadnought, her _own_ dreadnought. Ashley was hiding things from him.

And this wasn't exactly the time to go noticing.

"Four ships inbound," EDI said. "Dreadnought and cruiser signatures have been confirmed."

"SSV _Normandy,_ this is the _Orizaba_ moving to assist."

"You have no idea how good it is to hear a friendly voice," Joker replied.

The responder sounded surprisingly amused by the comment when he reported back. "Roger that, _Normandy._ Come starboard by three degrees and lay them out for the _Cairo._ "

Joker looked back, and Shepard nodded. "Ash, let me know when the Reaper is getting ready to fire."

They'd barely gone to follow up with the _Orizaba's_ instructions when an oculus shot at the weak point from their collision with the asteroid earlier . The ship rocked again as Shepard held himself upright, eyes seeking out a number that was rapidly deteriorating.

Eighty percent. One shot from an oculus and their shields lost twenty percent.

"It's positioning itself," she said. "Thirty seconds, max."

"Get us over the _Orizaba,_ " Shepard ordered.

"I'm on it."

As the ship banked, he got to witness the freakish power of the dreadnought's cannons, eyes widening as the ship opened fire on an approaching carrier. Two of the cruisers were positioning themselves to provide covering fire for the _Normandy_ while the third began to make a pass for the mining station; it had to be the one sent to respond to Shepard's alert.

The Reapers were not happy about losing their lead on Leviathan.

"Proximity alert," the soldier on the _Orizaba_ said. " _Normandy,_ you're banking low over our hull."

From their position, Shepard could see the plates receding back over the firing chamber. A red glow crept over the purple mass, and his heart started racing.

 _I got my mom killed._

"Ashley—"

"Fire now!"

"Do it!"

Shepard had only ever ordered the use of the _Normandy's_ Thanix cannon once, and it had been on the Collectors' cruiser. It had torn the hull of the ship and nearly sheared it in half, much like the way the _Orizaba_ blasted through the first carrier like it was butter.

Seeing the might of that gun would never get old. The burst slammed into the front of the Reaper with enough force that it rocked the _Normandy_ herself, and unlike the first time the Alliance encountered a capital ship, it took a single shot to destroy it. The Reaper's own shot was thrown back into the firing mechanism, exploding in a burst of blue flames.

That feeling was surreal.

Even as the _Normandy_ flew through the detonating wreckage, he still couldn't believe it. Joker pulled up and flipped them, giving himself and Shepard a perfect view of the Reaper as it fell apart from within.

And when the cheers erupted from the bridge and CIC, Shepard let one of his own out as well.


	100. Chapter 100

"Forgot how much I hated zero grav training."

Ashley glanced up and frowned, even if Adams couldn't see it past her helmet. "You hated it?"

He crouched over the thruster, twisting into an awkward position so he could reach inside the damaged panelling. "Yeah, it sucked."

"I thought it was fun."

The engineer didn't reply, but she got the impression he was laughing from the way his shoulders shook. "I'd kill for handholds right about now."

"If you wanna get back inside, you can just talk me through...whatever you're doing," Ashley said, crouching down across from him. She leaned forward, peeked over his shoulder. Still couldn't see what he was fixing, but it looked like it would be easier if he could lay down. "Or you could just let the engineers on the Citadel fix it."

"I'm not letting you touch my ship," Adams said. "It's my job to keep her working. It's your job to make sure I don't drift off into space."

"But what about—"

"I already told you we're not going anywhere until I fix this connection."

She snorted and stood back up. Both of them were tethered to a rail running along the length of the thruster, but Adams was dangerously close to the exhaust port, and it was entirely possible for it to fire up and fry his cable. He still had his mag boots, but they only did so much. If he didn't keep himself rooted firmly in place, floating away was also a risk.

Ashley shifted a bit, hands on her hips, to look up at the massive ship docked with the _Normandy._ She knew dreadnoughts were large, but they never ceased to amaze her.

"So what are you doing out here?"

She blinked and looked back down. "Keeping you from floating away, like you said."

He laughed when his radio turned on, so she could hear it, and Ashley just frowned again. "There's an admiral on the ship and you're the executive officer. Shouldn't you be inside, running the ship?"

"We haven't combusted yet, so I'd say Trakes is doing fine."

"I get the feeling you have no interest in meeting Shepard's mother, or that you're avoiding it."

Ashley shrugged, but he was still busy with the thruster, so he didn't notice. "Well, I'm going straight to him to let him know you've probably sabotaged the ship, so..."

"You like to leave a lot of things to the imagination, don't you?"

"I often find what people imagine is much worse than what I actually intend to do."

"Right," he said. "Not creepy at all."

"How much longer until you fix this stupid thing?" she asked, changing the subject.

Adams retracted his arm to look up, resting his hands on his knees. "Should be good to go. This is just a patch job, though. I can't do anything else without the right equipment, and it's just not something the _Normandy_ can store."

She nodded. "Stay put."

The engineer returned her nod as she hopped behind him, removing his clip from its tether to link it with her own. Once she was sure he was ready to go, Ashley hopped onto the inner thruster, and then onto the side of the ship. Adams followed suit, and as soon as they were both readjusted to the new angle, she led them up towards the shuttle bay. The walk was slow going, her taking several steps before stopping and allowing him to catch up, and then repeating that process.

"Joker, we're coming back in. Open the shuttle bay."

"Roger that."

She found a good handhold above the door and latched herself to it, feet dangling, as she waited to whip herself inside. Had they not been docked with the _Orizaba,_ they could've gone through the main airlock, but this was the only other option they had.

If she had been alone, Ashley might've just hopped in through a small sliver and dropped to the floor. But EVAs were rarely performed solo for safety reasons, and she didn't want to risk breaking the cord keeping her and Adams hooked together.

Getting any momentum built up when there wasn't any gravity was about as difficult as getting momentum underwater. When she finally flung herself back onto the ship, she crashed to the floor, hard. Pain shot through her body, particularly her jaw, and she groaned, opting to lie there while one of the crew took the cable from her back to pull Adams inside.

For a few seconds, she enjoyed the feeling of nothingness, and then got to her feet. Trakes was waiting for her as she marched herself up into the shuttle bay, grinning like an idiot.

"Was it really necessary for you to go out there with Adams?"

Ashley shrugged and pulled her helmet off. "Someone had to go, and what's the point of working in space if you never get to go into it?"

His eyebrows shot up, but the smirk didn't go away. "I didn't expect that from you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just that you don't seem like the kind of person who'd want to go out there," he said.

"Trakes, you're seriously underestimating how much I hate being around people like Shepard's mother," Ashley said. He leaned against Liara's locker while she shoved her helmet into her own. "You think there's a reason I don't like James? The Alliance is everything to them. They don't know anything else, and I hate having it shoved down my throat like I'm less of a person because of...this." She gestured to herself. "I've done horrible things and I'm doing everything I can to right my wrongs. But people like them, they won't understand. They won't see past me helping Cerberus kill Alliance officials and it drives me nuts."

"The Alliance isn't everything to you?" Trakes asked. Now the smirk was gone, replaced by a confused, concerned frown. "I thought you were glad to be back in one of our uniforms."

"I am, but..." Ashley looked past him as they pulled Adams inside. She sighed, shook her head. "The Alliance and Cerberus are two sides of the same coin."

She recognized that expression. He was absolutely disgusted with that comment, and he wasn't afraid to show it. And as he opened his mouth, she prepared herself for the tirade. He hardly got two words out before she was interrupting him.

"If the Alliance is as good as you think it is, why would they bury and discharge a man for saving an entire planet of innocent people?"

His mouth thinned to a line. "Fine."

"The only difference between the Alliance and Cerberus is the Alliance is willing to kiss the Council's ass and follow the rules. Cerberus does what they think has to be done to keep humanity safe. Both are horrible. The Alliance just so happens to be the one who knows where the line _has_ to be drawn."

"If they're one and the same, then why are you here?" he growled.

Ashley didn't answer. She could only match his stare, the same stare any marine could muster, one filled with enough irritation and disappointment to unnerve any sane being, until Trakes spoke up again.

"Stop for a reality check sometime soon. The Alliance isn't tearing us apart."

And then he was storming off to the elevator, leaving her to fume by her locker.

No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't do it anymore. A wedge had been driven between them, and Ashley, despite how much she wanted to fix it, couldn't find a way to just talk with him like she used to. Trakes, for all the loyalty he'd shown, was a marine first, and a friend second. The Alliance was his life, just like it was Vega's, Shepard's.

It used to be hers; she could remember when it was. She had been just as devoted as the next person, but wherever she looked now, all she could do was doubt. The Alliance succeeded at so little, accomplished next to nothing, _did_ nothing. Cerberus, for all its faults, _progressed._ Cerberus didn't get caught by political tape, didn't let a law stop them, and for half a second, she wished it could be that way again. One rule, and one rule only: don't kill civilians.

She swallowed and looked down at her hands, frowning. She turned them over, back again, and another time, staring at the black, rubber-infused mesh protecting her palms, the ceramic plates over the backs of her hands. She could remember when taking her hardsuit off felt like a sin, when Shepard had argued with her about it, told her to relax. She couldn't relax. She was trained to go, to keep going when she should've dropped. And she _wanted_ to.

Ashley sighed and ran her hands down her face, pressing the balls of her fists into her eyes. Deep breaths. This wasn't the time to go getting worked up and pissy. She was better than that.

Frustrated, she ripped off her hardsuit and stowed it away in her locker. Her uniform went back on over the shorts and shirt, and then her boots, before she marched herself into the elevator. The door slid shut in front of her, closing her view of the shuttle bay, as the lift took her to the crew deck.

As she stood there, waiting impatiently, she alternated between clasping her hands together in front of her, and then behind her, and back again. She didn't know how she wanted to stand, and neither way was comfortable. Why did she wear her sleeves down? The rest of the crew rolled them up to their elbows. Why didn't they wear them down? Wasn't it always cold for them too, or was she just oversensitive?

She bit her tongue hard enough that she tasted copper, dug her nails into her palms until she felt blood on her fingers.

The elevator began to slow, and she forced herself to let go of the tension. Skin meshed back together on her hands. Her tongue was numb for several seconds while it healed itself, and she took a breath through her nose. By the time her hands stopped tingling, the door had opened, and she headed for the restroom.

Ashley turned a sink on, spit out a mouthful of blood, splashed water on her face. She stared at her reflection for a while, frowning at how she managed to look different and yet exactly the same as her fractured brain could remember. Brown eyes, brown hair. She used to think that was boring, that she was plain. Every kid she knew had brown hair and brown eyes. The only exceptions were her sisters, and all that did was make her jealous.

She couldn't fathom why that had bothered her so much when she was younger. All she knew was she'd kill for the world to be that simple again.

"Are you all right?"

Ashley nearly jumped out of her skin, instinctively flailing to find a nonexistent weapon to defend herself with. The source held her hands up, bemused, and her heart dropped into her stomach.

 _Well shit._

"Uh... Yes, ma'am. Bit my tongue is all."

Grey eyes regarded her carefully, eyes she recognized perfectly, right down to the tiny flecks of blue. And while she was used to them belonging to Shepard, they...well...did. Not Kyler. Hannah. His mother. She was reeling in surprise, trying to think of something more intelligent to say, but words couldn't come.

"Are you sure that's all? You look a little...distressed," she said.

That was the kind of voice to make recruits shit bricks. And caught off guard as she was, Ashley felt like that was an appropriate metaphor.

"I'm fine, ma'am."

She was patting herself on the back for getting that out without so much as a stutter.

"There's blood on your hands," she pointed out, tone flat and perfectly calm. _Perfect._ God, she could already tell where Kyler got his patience from.

"Like I said, bit my tongue. I didn't realize until—"

"Relax," she said, and something about the way the word left her lips put Ashley on edge.

"Yes, ma'am."

Uncomfortable, Ashley just stood where she was, half at attention, half poised to run, and Hannah just held her stare, waiting. Whatever she was waiting for, Ash didn't know, but it wasn't a situation she wanted to be in.

Swallowing nervously, she settled back on her own two feet and turned back to the sink, desperately trying to pretend she was alone as she scrubbed her hands raw. The blood hadn't even started to dry and it ran off her hands with no effort, but she scrubbed anyway, hoping the woman would eventually tire of watching her wash her hands.

No such luck. Hannah stood exactly where she was until Ashley couldn't take it any longer. She turned the water off, went to dry her hands. They burned, and not from the temperature of the water.

"Ma'am," she muttered, praying that she would be allowed to escape.

"Not so fast, Commander."

Ashley froze mid-step, eyes squeezing shut in anxiety, before spinning back around on her heel. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you knew who I was."

"I read your file before we docked."

 _Of course you did._

"I wanted to know who this woman that kept popping up around my son was," Hannah continued.

 _Should've run while I had the chance._

"It was all there," she said. Ashley felt her heart literally stop. The crew had a vague idea of what she'd been up to before rejoining the Alliance, and if they did know, they kept it to themselves. "Except the last two years."

Relief. It flooded through her like a tidal wave over a city.

"So tell me something, Williams."

 _If it gets me out of here, I'll fucking sing for you._

"What does a Gunnery Chief do to have so much black ink in their records?"

Ashley shook her head. "I don't know, ma'am."

"How does someone like you get roadblocked for six years, and then spontaneously jump so many ranks in two?"

"I don't know, ma'am," she repeated.

She was closer now. Piercing gaze, expression filled with curiosity and something else, something much more unnerving.

"Kyler said you were the one responsible for taking down that Reaper today."

Hearing his first name made her stomach twist into anxious knots. This wasn't the woman who'd been so concerned for her son to come running at a Reaper; this was a mom who was ready to die for her kid. Ashley could already tell she knew what had happened to her, or at least had a vague idea, and she just didn't back down. No, instead, it was Ashley who was left feeling terrified, witless.

"It wasn't me," Ashley said softly. "It was the entire crew. I just knew where to aim."

"And without that, there's a good chance everyone in the system would be dead. You can't deny that's convenient."

Ashley gulped and looked up from the floor. "I'm not going to hurt your son, Admiral."

"I have no proof of that."

"You said it yourself. He'd be dead right now if I hadn't told him where to point the _Normandy's_ guns. And so would you." Hannah's eyes narrowed, but she didn't speak, and Ashley plowed on even though she was distantly aware she should shut up. "I've bent over backwards to keep him safe. I killed my best friend for him. I _died_ for him and I would do it again in a heartbeat."

"Speaking of that—"

 _Fuck._

"Why are you still here?"

Back down to her feet. Embarrassed, ashamed. Ashley was feeling a billion different things, but those two were the most prominent. She hadn't even told Kyler, not really, and here she was, less than three seconds away from spilling the beans to his mother, of all people.

"The man in charge of Cerberus. He was...on Shanxi. His friends were killed in the fighting and he blames my grandfather, so...he...brought me back. For experimentation with Reaper tech collected from Virmire and Sovereign."

"You have Reaper technology inside of you?"

Ashley wasn't sure which was worse; the sudden pity in her voice, or the fact that she was telling this to a complete stranger.

"No," she said flatly, swallowing every bit of defiance she could muster. She didn't need this shit from some stranger. She didn't even care that this stranger was Shepard's mother. She had no right to know anything that the Alliance had blacked out; Ashley's own family didn't even know what happened to her.

The look she got was expectant, like she was waiting for an explanation.

"I haven't hurt Shepard or anyone on this ship, Admiral, and I don't plan to. That's all you need to know."

Stiffening, Ashley got off the most sarcastic, condescending salute she could manage, and then walked right back out of the restroom without another word. Hoping it might throw off Shepard if he came looking, she put herself in the med bay with Liara as quickly as she could, plopping down on the stool nearest to the asari.

"I'm going to scream," she muttered to herself, running her hands down her face again.

"Hello to you, too," Liara said, frowning.

Ashley sighed. "Hi."

"What's wrong?"

"The Admiral lurking about the crew deck," Ashley said. Liara chucked and Ashley arched a quizzical brow in her direction, but then shook her head and decided better to avoid the unspoken comment. "She practically jumped me in the restroom. I thought she was going to tell me to get off this ship, that's how..."

She trailed off, at a loss for words, and Liara chimed in with a suggestion. "Protective?"

Ashley grunted in response and leaned her elbows into her knees, curling in on herself.

"She's his mother."

"I don't do the whole protective mom thing when that mom decides to dig into your personal life," Ashley retorted. "Or when that mom has a glare that would stop a Reaper in its tracks."

Liara laughed and patted her shoulder. "You always make such wonderful first impressions."

She snorted, shaking her head. "Yours wasn't exactly perfect, T'Soni."

"Oh?"

"You were trapped in a bubble, talking to us like you thought we were morons." Liara blushed, embarrassed. "Trapped in a _bubble_ , thinking _we_ were the idiots."

"I didn't know if you could hear me or not," she said softly.

Ashley cracked a smirk. "It's all right. I forgive you."

"But considering _your_ first three words to me were little less than openly hostile, I think we were on even ground."

Ashley's smirk thinned to pursed lips, and it was Liara's turn to laugh.

Switching the subject again. She was good at that, and it got her out of uncomfortable topics.

"How are you feeling?"

"Considerably better, thank you," Liara said. "I appreciate the concern."

She sat up and lounged back against the wall, watching with narrowed eyes as Shepard trooped on past with his mother. They were headed to the gun battery, but just from a brief glance, she could see that he wasn't as relaxed as his mother looked. So it wasn't just her this woman had that affect on. Granted, Ashley hadn't exactly expected her to be warm and welcoming; she was a marine, after all, and asking about her earlier had suggested as much. She was a mom who wanted to be perfect, but couldn't step into the shoes. Ashley felt bad for both Hannah and Kyler.

"Think you'll be back on your feet by the time we get back in it?"

"Depends on how long it takes to repair the ship," Liara said, "and on Chakwas' verdict."

Ashley waved a hand dismissively. "She's too cautious."

"And you're too reckless," the doctor commented from her desk.

She scoffed even as the other two laughed. And in a rare show of acknowledgement, she said, "Maybe you're right. _Maybe._ "

She wasn't going to tell them that she didn't know shooting the firing chamber would work. That was a little too careless, even for her, but they didn't need to know. They were alive, the Reaper was dead, and that was all that mattered.


	101. Chapter 101

Eyes. She could feel them on the side of her head, staring at her.

"How do you do that?"

Ashley blinked to break the stare she had at the cupboards across the hall, and then looked to her right, where Liara had been lying moments before. "Do what?"

"Remain so still," the asari said.

Ashley looked away again, shrugging. "I was trained to be motionless."

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Liara shake her head before laying back down. "You'd be the first human I've met who _doesn't_ want to move."

"I want to move," she said flatly. "But I'm watching you, so I'll stay right here."

Liara was quiet for a while, long enough Ashley would've thought her asleep had she not been able to hear the irregularities in her breathing . It wasn't as calm as it should be. Liara was wide awake, but neither of them had the energy to break the silence yet again. Ashley had no desire to; she was here until the _Normandy_ started moving, and then it was off to engineering , to apologize to Trakes before avoiding any confrontation with Shepard.

Movement to the left of the mess hall caught her attention and her eyes flicked over to the source. Every muscle in her body told her to flee, but she remained where she was, rooted to the spot and staring as blankly as ever into the window in front of her.

It was only when Hannah made for the med bay that Ashley seriously considered making a break for it. The elder Shepard hadn't come with Kyler, so that meant she was sought out of the woman's own volition. If this conversation was anything like the first, Ashley couldn't see it going anywhere fast.

The med bay doors hissed open, and Chakwas looked up from her desk briefly, curious, but returned to her work when Hannah marched straight to Ashley.

"You're dismissed, doctor."

She didn't move a muscle as Chakwas stood and walked silently from the room.

"Commander Williams."

"Ma'am." Tone perfectly flat and empty. Good.

The other woman was silent for a moment and Ashley's eyes flicked over to Liara, who had her back to them now. Still awake, listening. Oddly enough, it made her feel a little better. She wasn't totally alone this time.

"I want this to be off the record."

Ashley's head snapped up, frowning, as she stood. "I'm sorry?"

Something was...off about her posture. She didn't seem so overwhelming now. She was just...there, and Ashley felt like she could easily take control of the situation if she had to.

"What you said earlier," Hannah started, "about keeping him safe. Kyler. Did you mean it?"

One of her brows went up. "Why wouldn't I? He's my...friend."

Liara made a sound, soft, almost like a laugh, but she covered it up expertly. With a cough. A _cough._ Hannah didn't notice, but Ashley did, and she was one step away from swatting the asari in the leg.

"Then I want you to promise me something. Please."

She didn't even have to ask. Ashley already knew what it was going to be. It was written across her face. Her eyes darted nervously around the room, her hands were clenched into fists to keep from fidgeting.

"I...I know what Kyler can be like. He's so reckless and he doesn't worry about himself enough, and I know what sorts of missions he gets you into."

 _Don't make me do this. I don't want to make a promise I can't keep._

"When I mentioned I read your file earlier, it was only because I had checked the ship's logs. Aside from him, you're the one with the most field hours logged. You go everywhere with him, don't you?"

Ashley nodded, mouth thinning into a line. "Yes, ma'am."

"Can you promise me you'll keep him safe?"

She couldn't say no. This was his _mother._ She should know what she was asking, and Ashley was positive she did. It was unfair; it was beyond impossible to guarantee anyone's safety right now and both of them knew that.

Ashley nodded once, expression still as flat as before. And before she could stop herself, she was saying, "I promise."

* * *

Had she not known any better, Ashley would've never known the Citadel had been attacked. In the short time they'd been gone, the Citadel had been scoured by teams. Repairs were made, walls and floors were replaced, everything looked...the same. It was almost like nothing had ever happened.

But then she looked down at the gun on her hip, and she knew it was real.

She pushed absently at the imitation potatoes on the plate in front of her, and then reverted to sipping at her drink. Sweet tea. It was an Earth thing, exclusively, and while it was hard to mess up, every café on the Citadel seemed incapable of getting it right. As far as Ashley knew, all it was was tea with tons of sugar added to it. She didn't understand what about that was so hard to grasp, but it might've just been the fact that aliens had their own forms of tea, and that it never just hit the right spot. Some days it was too strong, others it was too weak.

She should've stuck with coffee.

"Are you okay?"

Her eyes flicked up briefly, fixating themselves on her sister's, and she nodded before looking away again. "I'm fine. Just a little tired is all."

"You've hardly said anything. Or ate anything. All you've done is add more sugar to that, say it wasn't sweet enough, and do it all over again."

Ashley shrugged. "I'm sorry?"

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Gimme that," she said, gesturing to the small glass.

"Suit yourself." She slid the glass across the table. Her eyes drifted down to the gun she carried, back up to her sister, and then out over the rest of the café. They weren't on the Presidium; Ashley didn't even want to set foot _near_ the district and settled for hitting the Wards with Sarah until returning to the _Normandy_ that night. She'd at least be far away for a large chunk of the day.

Sarah gagged and Ashley looked back, frowning as she downed her water in less than three seconds.

"Have some tea with your sugar, good Lord, Ash."

She arched a brow. "What?"

"You're literally drinking sugar."

Ashley scoffed. "No, I'm not. There's hardly any flavor."

Sarah rolled her eyes again, a habit Ashley was relatively sure she'd gotten from her when they were both younger. Or maybe it was something left over from the whole "rebellious teenager" phase, and it had just become something she was accustomed to doing.

"Does that ship pack anything with sugar?" Sarah demanded.

"I mean, probably. If it does, it's nowhere I've seen."

She sighed, massaging her temples, and shook her head. "You're too old for me to tell you to start eating right."

"I eat perfectly fine."

"Coming from the woman who has to be _reminded_ to eat." She took another gulp of water, cringing at something, probably the amount of sugar she was lying about. "Speaking of that—"

"I've been eating," Ashley said defensively.

Sarah made a face. "Well, that's definitely an improvement since the time we talked while you were in Vancouver."

Ashley huffed, but didn't say anything else. In the most sarcastic manner possible, she took a scoop of the mashed potatoes in front of her and stuck it in her mouth.

"I'm not buying it," Sarah retorted.

She let out an impatient breath as she swallowed. "I eat protein bars."

"You can't _live_ on those!"

"I beg to differ."

Sarah groaned and ran a hand down her face. "You are such a difficult person to deal with, I swear."

Ashley looked down again, embarrassed, and said, "Yeah, I...I'm sorry."

Sarah laughed. "For what?"

She went to answer. She really did. Ashley wanted to apologize for everything . For being such a horrible sister, for dragging Sarah into a mess she didn't , couldn't, understand, for lying, for making promises she couldn't possibly keep. She almost let everything out, things she kept bottled up and things she only refused to tell her family.

Sirens.

Ashley's head whipped around as she got to her feet, heading to the protective railing overlooking the rest of the Ward arm. Sarah called after her, confused, until the sirens got close enough for everyone else to hear. A crowd trickled towards the railing with her, a mix of curiosity and concern from the sounds of their tones. People were afraid they were under attack again, and after the last few weeks, Ashley didn't blame them.

Seconds later, a pair of C-Sec shuttles whipped past, quickly followed by a skycar with flashing lights. It was a human practice, for police officers to make as much noise as possible so they could get from point A to point B faster, and it carried over when they moved to C-Sec. There were very few of the things, but when there was one, it was sure to have a human inside. Nobody else understood the point, and honestly, neither did Ashley.

She reached up to her ear. "EDI?" She waited. No answer. "EDI?"

Again, nothing.

Frowning, she went to try contacting the AI again, but she heard her name. Somewhere, farther back in the café. They were shouting.

She pushed her way from the crowd to the source, Sarah hot on her heels, to find Joker standing there, panting and drenched in sweat.

He waved a hand half-heartedly, doubled over, and her eyebrows shot up in concern as she raced to his side. "Holy freaking— Are you okay?"

"Ran..." he managed.

"How the actual fuck did you _run?_ "

He grinned and jerked a thumb over his shoulder in the direction of a skycar. Of course.

She almost reached out to touch him, but she caught herself. She had a habit of gripping things tighter than most people, and Joker was fragile.

"What's going on?"

He shook his head. "Shepard's in trouble."

Her heart nearly stopped. " _What?_ "

"We...we were at this really weird sushi place that like...displays fish in the _floors,_ okay? And we're talking, and this lady comes up to us and tells Shepard people are trying to kill him, right? Like that's anything new. I actually—"

"Joker!" she interrupted.

"Armed men attacked the restaurant," he said finally. "Shepard sent me to find you guys, and EDI pinged you as the closest before going down—"

"Slow down," Ashley snapped, cutting him off again. "Where were you?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "Some sushi place. Uh...the Silversun Strip. Somewhere around there."

"You outran C-Sec...when you were _that_ far away?"

He nodded, doubling back over. "It was important. And it's not like I can do anything to help. I figured it'd be smarter to tell you to go get shot. It's the only thing you're good at."

Ashley glanced back at Sarah, the way her face paled at the joke, and sighed.

"Keep an eye on him," she decided, straightening. Sarah frowned, clearly not thrilled with the idea, and Ashley added, "He's got brittle—"

"Way to announce it," Joker snapped.

"Yeah, because you definitely want to go breaking a leg or an arm. You know you're not allowed to fly with broken bones, right?" He grumbled something under his breath, but didn't argue. Thankfully. "See what you can do to bring EDI back up. You're not running yourself into the ground to find the others."

"You _are_ going to get shot," Joker said. "There were a lot of them."

"Well, as you so kindly pointed out, that's what I'm good at."

"What are you gonna do?" Sarah asked, interrupting them.

Ashley shrugged. "Find Shepard and save his ass. Like I do everyday."

"He said there were—"

"I know what he said," Ashley interjected. "I'll be fine." Sarah didn't look as sure as Ashley felt. She sighed again. "Look, Shepard's a biotic. I have a gun, and C-Sec is already moving in. It'll be okay."

"If C-Sec is on the way, why do you have to go?"

"I can get there faster." Sarah frowned, like she wanted to argue, but Ashley didn't give her the chance. "I'll be perfectly fine, all right? I promise. Just make sure Joker doesn't get himself hurt. Please."

"I'm an adult, _mom,_ " Joker said.

"Ma'am," she corrected, and he rolled his eyes.

Before either of them could continue arguing, Ashley turned and took off. She didn't want Sarah to keep looking at her like she was something fragile; she could take care of herself. And she knew Sarah was just worried, but plenty of people already worried about her.

Ashley waited until she was out of sight, down a staircase and back onto the street before slowing to a stop. She opened her omni-tool and switched its frequency to Shepard's personal channel. If he wasn't on the one he shared with his team, he'd be on his.

She went to say something, but she cut herself off. He was talking to someone, a woman. Joker had mentioned a woman. She had warned them, and then they'd been attacked. It sounded surprisingly convenient. Shepard was either extremely lucky, or she was involved. Or both. Their plan might've involved him getting killed from the get-go.

"—stop talking. They can probably track you through the comms."

While Ashley wanted to tell him she was coming, the stranger did have a point, and she could use that to her advantage. She could track him too.

After setting her navpoint, Ashley picked back up and jogged across the street, shoving herself through the crowds. For all its size, the Citadel still wasn't large enough to accommodate all the people that lived on it. Sure, it was probably fine back when it was just the asari and salarians, but now there were well over five different species living on the station. It was always crowded, and it made Ashley all the happier that she was fine with clusters of people.

When she slipped into the alley she was headed for, however, she _was_ relieved that it was relatively empty. She didn't mind crowds, but they made it harder to move, and slowed her down.

It still escaped her how Joker managed to travel so far, even with a skycar. He would've had to get out of the strip just to find one.

Ashley shifted further into the alley, searching for a service ladder down to the lower levels. One had to be nearby. The asari still wanted to figure the Citadel's secrets out, but their maintenance crews couldn't use keeper tunnels. They were too extensive, too confusing, for people to travel. Ashley only used them when she needed to get through a building, or else she risked getting lost in them, and that wasn't something she wanted to do.

 _One,_ she thought as she slid down. She kept counting until she hit seven, and then leapt into the alley. The atmosphere here was entirely different; it was darker, and she could feel the excitement pumping through the very floor. This wasn't residential; this was for partying.

They were talking again—Shepard and the woman. A C-Sec shuttle was moving towards him. The officers intended to pick him up at a sales lot that wasn't far from her current position. It would actually be faster for her to reroute herself and meet him there, so that's what she did. She cut through a clothing store, nearly tripping on a volus, and sprinted down a connecting corridor, across another street, and into an office.

She had barely barged inside when a pair of assault rifles were levelled on her chest.

"Is that one of them?"

"Are you an idiot? Yes, that's one of them!"

There was a split second before they pulled the triggers, and she dove behind a desk. The glass window between them shattered and someone screamed as she drew her gun. They both unloaded on the counter, but as soon as the gunfire stopped, she took her chances. One shot, hit the guy on the left in the chest. Another shot, straight through the second's head.

Breathing heavily, Ashley stood, gun still pointed at the two bodies, and crept her way towards them. She nudged the man who took the chest shot, pushing his gun away from his hands just to be sure. Once she was satisfied, she straightened and holstered her pistol. Her eyes searched the small parking lot, scanning for any more threats.

The door on her left, about fifteen feet away, hissed as it opened, and out of habit, she whipped on it, fixating the barrel of her gun on whoever was coming through. And naturally, it was more of them.

They wore the same black and grey hardsuits as the other two, carried similarly silenced weapons, and, _unlike_ the other two, they didn't hesitate to open fire. Another scream as the bullets started flying. Ashley rolled behind a skycar, slamming her shoulder against the rim as several rounds bounced off the hood. Again, she waited for a pause to return fire, sighting one of them as they stood to shoot. He took a bullet to the shoulder, quickly followed by a pair to the chest. He crumpled to the floor, and she ducked back down.

She had counted five on the way in and she'd already taken one out. That left four, and given the chance, she was sure they'd try pushing her out of cover. Instead of letting that happen, she decided to do some pushing of her own, and she snuck around to the rear of the skycar she was hiding behind. Squeezing between the vehicles was difficult enough; it was even harder to do quietly. She doubted they could hear her over the misdirected gunfire, but it never hurt to be cautious.

Eventually she managed to get level with at least two of her assailants, and she threw her arm around the other side of the car, firing blindly in what she hoped was their direction. Someone cried out in pain and she heard a thud, so she spun out of cover and leapt at the other. Before he could so much as blink, Ashley drove her elbow into his throat and locked a hand around the back of his chest plate, spinning him around between them to shield herself from the new hail of bullets.

The dead merc slumped to the floor and she bolted, sliding several yards to reach her target, before leaping back up and off the hood of a car. She landed between the last two, shooting one in the abdomen and driving her foot into the other's knee. As he slouched, she swung her arm around and hit the underside of his chin with the barrel of her pistol. She didn't miss a beat; she pulled the trigger almost the same exact second that the door opened again.

Her arm fell back to her side and so did his. Shepard frowned as he tucked his weapon into his belt, and Ashley doubled over, letting out a puff of breath before standing again.

"Are you trying to look like a badass?" he asked, gesturing to the bodies, and the display he probably witnessed.

"Don't really have to try," she replied. "But if you want me to, I can finish it off by twirling my gun on my finger. Complete the picture."

He snorted. "No, I'm fine."

Ashley eyed him, soaked from head to toe and covered in little, tiny cuts over his cheeks and forearms. "You sure about that?"

"My ribs hurt," he admitted. "But that's nothing new."

"What did you do, fall through those fish tanks?"

He laughed, once, and she arched a brow. "Would you believe me if I said yes?"

"Only because you haven't lied to me yet," she answered.

His expression hardened and Shepard said, "Speaking of that—"

"There's a better time and place for stories," Ashley interjected. "Let's get out of here first, and then I'll tell you."

Something passed over him, and it didn't take a lot to guess what. He was getting sick of her shit. Ashley didn't blame him, but the longer she stalled, the longer _she_ wouldn't have to lie to _him._

Eventually, he nodded and spread his hands. "Joker found you, then?"

"Somehow, yes."

Another terse nod. "Good. I'm glad it was you."

It was her turn to frown. "And why's that?"

"Because we're a team," he said flatly. And though his voice was completely devoid of any emotion, he managed to make it sound like an accusation. He knew she was hiding something. A lot of somethings, but she was confident that he didn't know what. Not exactly, at the very least.

Shepard brushed past to head for the office she'd shot her way out of moments before, intending to shoot his way back into the control room for the doors.

Ashley wasn't sure what propelled her to his side, to catch his arm. She didn't try to avoid confrontation, but she didn't go looking for it either, and right now, the look he was giving her, she _had_ to be looking for it.

"I think they've had enough shooting for one day," she whispered, nodding to the shadow shuffling around inside. A volus, by the look of it. His expression softened just a bit. Enough that she already knew he had decided she was right. "Can you open the doors for us?"

Less than a second later, it slid back to reveal the landing pad, and to allow a cacophony of new sounds to flood the sales lot.

"Thanks," she said over her shoulder.

Shepard made for the rendezvous point, Ashley on his heels. She studied his gait, the strained way he fought to refrain from limping, or the way he would brush a hand over his side. He paused more than once to inspect something over his ribs, and without warning, she swatted his hands away to look for herself.

A shard of glass. Wedged firmly under the vest of his uniform, but buried in such a position that it and the blood blended with the dark officer's shirt he wore beneath it.

"And you thought this wasn't worth mentioning because...?"

"I did say my ribs hurt," he muttered.

"I do carry medigel, y'know."

"Yeah."

"So you didn't say anything for what reason, exactly?"

"It's not important," Shepard said. "We need out of here first."

Ashley rolled her eyes. "You know what Chakwas would say?"

"I'm sure we both know what she'd say. Word for word."

Ashley didn't say anything, or even look at him, but she knew he was right. They spent enough time in the med bay that Chakwas' advice had started to go from caring to chastising. Or was it the other way around? It was so hard to tell what was what with her.

She grabbed his arm and pushed it above his head. He hissed, but held it in place while she pulled the piece of glass free. Leaving it in wasn't an option, ever. He should've looked for something to stop the flow of blood, or kept it covered with a hand. Just... _something._ Anything would've been better than running around with glass embedded in his side.

He groaned when it came out. Ashley ignored him. She focused on staunching the flow of blood with a glob of medigel, tossed the shard aside, and got to her feet. Shepard just sort of stared at her, glared really, for several, agonizingly long seconds.

And then, there it was. A flicker of a grateful smile, a muttered thanks, and she nodded.

Ashley hadn't expected him to hate her, but the smile was comforting.

Instead of irritation, he seemed to be running on exhaustion now. Shepard jerked his head in the direction of the landing pad, saying, "Come on," and she followed wordlessly. A C-Sec shuttle was pulling in alongside the floor, hovering just a few inches off.

She let out a relieved breath. This could've been worse. A lot worse.

Barely ten feet from the shuttle, and the hatch opened. Before it even finished, she could already see the black plated boots that belonged to the mercs, and while her muscles screamed to move, she found herself rooted in place in absolute _disgust._

This was the second time C-Sec fucked up in recent memory.

Ten plus assault rifles were focused on the two of them. Ashley didn't have the chance to count; Shepard had a hand wrapped around her wrist and was throwing both of them under the platform's stairs the instant the guns started firing.

"I don't think we've ever been so absolutely screwed in...well, ever," Shepard said.

"I can count a few times," Ashley retorted.

He threw his head back and laughed. One of his hands found its way to her knee, and he squeezed. It was so easy sometimes. To just forget the arguing, the irritation, all of it.

Moments like those made it feel like it was going to be their last.


	102. Chapter 102

"I've got a plan."

Ashley looked up from her hands. "What?"

"I've got a plan," Shepard repeated. "You aren't going to like it."

She spread her hands helplessly, consciously refraining from doing much of anything else; it would expose her to the gunfire. "A plan's a plan, Shepard."

He nodded absentmindedly, shifting up into a crouch. "I'm gonna hit that shuttle as hard as I can. I need you to cover me as I build up enough momentum to take it out."

"You were right," Ashley admitted. "I _hate_ that plan. I barely have—"

"Incoming!"

There was less than a half of a second of silence before the mercenaries redirected their rifles upwards. Exchanging glances, both of them risked peeking over the landing just in time to see a hulking mass of a krogan drop onto the front of the shuttle. It crashed into the floor with enough force to rock the platform, and the krogan— _Wrex_ —rolled off to smash his way in.

"Or we could do that," Shepard mumbled.

Ashley barely spared him a glance; he was stunned, just as she was, as Wrex tore the shuttle and its occupants apart. Several of them were thrown, either back towards her and Shepard, or over the edge, and they were the lucky ones. The others met Wrex's fists, or his plated forehead. When he was finished, the stolen C-Sec shuttle was little more than a smoking chunk of metal, bodies littered around like flowers in a garden.

Shepard nudged her as he stood, and she followed suit, tailing him up to Wrex as he inspected the carnage.

"That was...unexpected," Shepard said.

Wrex turned on them, grinning in that eerily menacing way only a krogan could. "Krogan airdrops are—"

"Terrifying?" Ashley suggested, placing herself in a position that would allow her to jump between them if necessary. Wrex made a noise in his throat, agreeing, and she glanced at Shepard again, rethinking their situation. "I'm going to see if I can get ahold of Joker or EDI."

He nodded. "Good plan."

She stepped away, back down the platform. After a brief switch of channels, she tried the pilot. "Joker?"

The earpiece shrieked and she flinched, but his voice broke through. "Ashley! Did you find Shepard?"

She massaged her temples, eyes squeezed shut in a vain attempt to recover. Her ears rang.

"Yeah," she managed, head shaking. "Yeah, I found him. He's wounded, but he's moving."

"Are you guys safe yet?"

"No. The shuttle didn't exactly work out as planned." Before he could ask, she added, "The mercs hijacked it. They were ready for us. Wrex saved our asses, but we're still stranded."

"Wrex? What are you—" Joker cut himself off. "Never mind. Cortez is on his way with the shuttle."

"Are you sure there won't be guys with guns on it this time?"

Joker scoffed. "Hey, this is _our_ shuttle. If there's bad guys on it, I'd be concerned ."

Snorting, Ashley said, "Yeah, you'd be concerned. Shepard and I would both be dead, but you'd have your _Normandy._ "

She could practically hear the grin in his voice. "You two are second to the ship. No ship, no missions."

"No Shepard, no Crucible and no allies to fight the Reapers."

"No you, no attitude."

Ashley rolled her eyes. "How far out is Cortez?"

"Luckily for you, EDI thought ahead and got him moving as soon as the connection went down. She's fixing it, but I can still send coordinates to the shuttle."

She nodded to herself, looking back to Shepard and Wrex, and then back to the storefront. "Time, Joker."

"Two minutes."

Her arm dropped and she let out a breath of relief, just to herself. Two minutes. One hundred and twenty seconds. It wasn't too long, but she was on edge, and it would feel like forever.

 _Crack._

She felt like she was ripped in half. Pain rippled through her chest and back as she staggered. Her legs gave out and she fell back on her hands, staring down at the new hole in stunned horror. Something sticky was on her face and throat. Blood.

Off in the distance, rifles started firing, but she didn't care. There was _blood._ On her hand as she instinctively went to cover the wound, soaking into her uniform, on her arms. So much blood, too much.

Heat rushed over her as she allowed her head to fall back against the floor tiles. The gunshot hurt more than usual; it had to have come from a sniper. Somewhere. There was too much force behind the bullet. It did too much damage. Ashley had never been knocked off her feet by _one_ round from an _assault rifle._ Sniper rifles could, however. They could nearly kill her.

Wrex and Shepard were shouting at each other. The latter had locked a hand around her free arm and was helping her push herself into cover.

"You okay?" he asked.

Ashley peeled her hand away from the wound and leaned back against the bumper of the car. "Yeah." When he frowned, she nodded. "Yeah, I'm good."

Shepard eyed her for a split second, and then returned the gesture. "You know where he's at?"

She looked back to the lot, eyes scanning the catwalk for the sniper. "No, but I'll find him."

He bumped her arm in approval before drawing his handgun and leaping back into the fray. The air around him vibrated and crackled as his biotics built up, and then he was gone, all in less than three seconds. She twisted just in time to see him slam into one of the mercs, launching him off his feet and into a nearby wall hard enough that, after he landed, he didn't get back up.

It was one of the few times she actually paid attention. It was terrifying. _Shepard_ was terrifying.

Groaning, Ashley retreated behind the skycar again and stuck a hand under her shirt, prodding where she'd been shot. Once she was satisfied that it had healed, she stood up in a crouch, spotted her handgun, and bolted. She got there about as fast as Shepard flung himself across the courtyard, which wasn't saying much. She was still faster than he was, than just about every person in the galaxy, but Cerberus couldn't match biotics.

She barely had the chance to stand when she caught a glint out of the corner of her eye. Just the glare of a scope as the sniper shifted positions, but it was more than enough. It wasn't even a mistake; he needed a better view, and Ashley just so happened to be trained to look for the little things.

One shot was all it took.

With no reason to keep standing there, she jumped into the fighting with Shepard and Wrex. They'd already taken out several of the mercenaries, but it didn't look like they were going to stop coming anytime soon.

Wrex was in the middle of what was little less than a shitstorm. Mercs were skirting Shepard and his biotics in favor of circling the krogan, and while he was the only one out of the three of them with shields, he was being shot to hell. Shepard could handle himself for five seconds.

Ashley ran straight at him, hitting the floor to slide, and propelled herself into a merc's legs. He yelped as she hit him, and as he fell, she rolled, driving her knee into his chest. She was back up without missing a beat, and when she got cornered by a man with a baton, she was ready for it. He swung at her neck, but she caught his wrist. She punched him in the throat, turned, and flipped backwards onto her hands. She pushed off again, launching herself behind a car, as a pair of them unloaded their clips.

Their shooting was cut off abruptly; Ashley edged her way around, peeking over the hood, as Shepard punched his way through, and then jumped off again.

She let out a relieved puff. _That man's insane._

Once she'd pulled herself together, Ashley shoved herself upright. She didn't have enough bullets to stay in cover, and she didn't have any shields to protect her from getting shot.

She hated having to improvise.

After creeping her way back out of cover, she made for a nearby body and robbed it of its thermal clips. She shoved two of them into her belt, reloaded, and then shifted back towards the platform. When Joker got here, if he _ever_ did, they'd need time to get back. She needed to keep the area clear for him to land, too.

She switched comm lines again. Cortez would be connected to the ship, but knowing EDI, she had already repaired whatever damage had been done, or they were fucked.

"Cortez?"

Static. Ashley kept listening even as she ran, focusing more on remaining unseen than doing much of anything else. Wrex was still blasting his way around the lot, and Shepard was still running. As far as she was concerned, that was good. They'd only have a problem if one of them stopped.

Her ears rang when the line screeched, but Cortez's voice broke through. Somehow. She swore he was echoing between her ears.

"Commander? Commander Shepard?"

"Not quite," she said.

He made a noise, something close to a relieved sigh, but not quite. "Close enough," the pilot muttered. "I'm almost to the coordinates Joker sent me. About thirty seconds. Are you guys holding up all right?"

Ashley peeked above the car she was hidden behind. Wrex was in the process of beating one merc into the floor, crushing ribs with a foot, while laying down covering fire for Shepard.

"Yeah, I think we're good."

"Am I rushing anyone to the hospital?"

"I don't think you'll have to, but who knows anymore."

"Roger that," Cortez said. "See you soon."

* * *

After thumbing the sleeve of her uniform, her new one, and lurking around the upper floor of Shepard's apartment, Ashley headed downstairs where the others— _most_ of the others—were lounging about.

They had a plan, thanks to Liara, for catching the people that attacked Shepard earlier in the day. The pistol he'd "borrowed" could be traced back to a seller, and that seller could lead them to the buyer. Unfortunately, Liara had no way of finding him right now, but she knew where the arms dealer would be tomorrow. There was a charity event at one of the casinos in the Strip, and he'd be there, indefinitely. And now, so would Shepard, plus one.

She was still thanking God she wasn't going to be that plus one. It might be less suspicious, two humans going out together, but Liara would be more useful than she would. Besides, Ashley would rather sit back and make sure none of those mercenaries would be crashing the party.

But beyond that, they hadn't laid their plan out. Shepard wanted to wait before they left; it would stick in their minds better that way. Ashley didn't necessarily care. She wouldn't be forgetting it regardless of what they decided.

Trakes was standing just outside of the kitchen by himself, leaning against the counter and watching the few milling about near the fireplace. She joined him, but instead of standing out front, she remained in the kitchen, leaning her elbows on the small island. He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. He was looking for something.

"What's up?"

He took a deep breath and glanced back at her. "I don't like this Brooks lady."

Ashley arched a brow, following his gaze over to the woman, sitting on the couch with Vega as he undoubtedly flirted up a storm. "Why's that? Because she claims to have used enough medigel to knock an elephant on its ass?"

Trakes laughed, once. "Glad we're on the same page."

"We usually are."

"On a good day." He flashed her a grin over his shoulder, and then straightened. "So...how was your day?"

"It was good," Ashley decided. "I had lunch with Sarah. Got shot in the chest. My two favorite things." He snorted, and she asked, "What about yours?"

"Pretty okay, I guess. James and I were out at a bar. He was trying to impress this girl, said he was stronger than me."

"You kick his ass?"

Trakes scoffed. "Of course I did. What kind of question is that?"

They both laughed, but the conversation died there, and they just stood together in a friendly, comfortable silence. With everything going on lately, tensions were high, and it was hard to not actively be mad at someone. It was hard to just have a normal conversation. The day they went without talking about Cerberus, the Reapers, or anyone trying to kill them felt like it would be the day the galaxy collapsed.

"So, uh, the krogan..."

Ashley flicked her eyes over to him. "You mean Wrex?"

"Yeah, him," Trakes said.

When he didn't really elaborate, she said, "What about him?"

"Did you really pull a gun on him?"

Ashley frowned. "Uh...yes? He was turning into a risk, not an ally. I thought he was going to shoot Shepard. What was I supposed to do, let him?"

Trakes shook his head. "No, I guess not. It's just surprising. Not a lot of people have the guts to point their gun at a krogan."

Ashley shrugged. "Wrex doesn't scare me."

"Did he before?" he retorted.

Her lips thinned into a line, and he laughed. "Maybe. But only because he was the first krogan I met. He didn't make a good first impression."

"I doubt you made a good first impression."

Ashley smirked. "Probably not. And it probably didn't help that I'd spend most of my free time glaring at him."

"Well, that would probably do it. They take that as a challenge, y'know."

"That doesn't mean shit. Everything's a challenge to a krogan."

They laughed again, but when Ashley shifted her gaze, even for a half a second, she caught Shepard staring at her. Just waiting, patiently. He nodded upstairs, and then excused himself from his little group with Liara, Garrus, and Cortez before retreating. Ashley followed him with her eyes until she couldn't see him any longer, but didn't make any immediate move to follow.

Trakes bumped her shoulder. "Go on."

She frowned again. "You saw that?"

He grinned. "It would be hard to miss."

Ashley just nodded, staring at the hallway he went down. "You think he's mad at me?"

"He didn't look like it. Why?"

"I don't know. I just...don't always want to be fighting with him. It feels like we can't get through one conversation without yelling or arguing."

Trakes was quiet for a moment before saying, "It'll be okay if you want it to be. You just gotta put in the effort."

"It's frustrating," she admitted. "He's frustrating."

"That's because he's idealistic," Trakes said, "and you're not. He has his moments, and he's getting better, but not everyone is as suspicious of people as you or me."

"Sometimes I wonder if that's a blessing or a curse."

He just shrugged. "That's the question for the ages."

Ashley nodded, running her hands down her face. "I should probably go see what he wants, then." Trakes returned the nod, and she said, "Thanks."

"Yep."

She lingered for a few seconds longer, and then retreated back the way she came, jogging back up the stairs two at a time. For all the more she suspected Anderson had used this apartment, it was rather nice. Roomy, peaceful. She liked it. The fact that Anderson just _gave_ it to Shepard, though, it made her realize just how much the admiral cared for him. He was like Shepard's father, or as close to one as he was going to ever get.

Taking a guess, she trooped her way across the apartment and down to the other end, where he'd probably be. If he ever wanted to talk privately with someone, he'd bring them to his cabin. People just didn't bother him there, aside from her or Liara. Liara didn't care, and Ashley just went wherever she pleased. The only person that could tell her no was Shepard, anyway.

Unsurprisingly, he was in his bedroom, waiting for her. He was seated on the bed, shirt tossed on a chair across the room, and was prodding at the wound on his ribs. He looked up when the door opened, smiling, and made a helpless motion with his hands. Wordlessly, Ashley made her way to him, crouching on the floor beside him. There was still blood on his side, but he wanted it looked at, so that's what she was going to do.

"I'm not a doctor," she said. "Not even a medic."

Shepard shrugged, and then winced. "I trust you."

She pursed her lips. "Okay." For a moment, she just sat there, staring at the angry little wound, and then she nodded. "Go get a shower...or wash that off, or something. I'm gonna look around, see if Anderson had anything useful stashed around in here."

"There's a first aid kit in the bathroom."

"I'll be right back, then. Don't go anywhere."

He grinned, quirking the corner of his mouth up. "Didn't plan to."

She rolled her eyes. _I knew telling him that smirk was adorable was a mistake._

After rooting around in the cabinets, she found what she was looking for and went back out, finding him in the exact same place, waiting as patiently as he always did.

He smiled again, ear-to-ear, and while it made her smile, all it did was make her wonder what put him in such a good mood.

She sat this time, popping the little box open, and started pulling out what she needed. The tool to remove medigel (whatever it was called), a small capsule of the substance, alcohol wipes, a roll of gauze, and medical tape. Then she hopped back onto the floor, cleaned the blood off since he seemed so content to let her do it, and set to work.

Ashley didn't look up once while picking away at the medigel on his ribs, but she could feel him staring at her. Whatever she did, he watched, and while she wasn't exactly going to object, she still wondered what had gotten into him.

Neither of them said a word while she worked. After making a few passing swipes on the gash with a wipe, she reapplied a fresh coat of medigel, and then tore off a strip of gauze. She folded it up a few times, had him hold it in place. Again, not a word. She just took his hand and pressed it where she wanted it, and he kept it there. Once it was taped in place, she gathered the things back up, emptied and cleaned the tool, and returned the kit to the cabinets.

"All right," he said, standing when she rejoined him.

Ashley arched a brow. "You gonna tell me why you've been staring at me for the last five minutes?"

He nodded, still grinning, and said, "Close your eyes."

"Why?"

"Just do it," he said.

Sighing, she decided it would be wiser to just humor him. Once they were closed, she heard Shepard moving around, and heard the closet door open and close.

"Okay, you can open them now."

Ashley wasn't sure what she was expecting to see, if she was being honest. She just knew it definitely wasn't what she got. Shepard was standing there, next to his vid screen, with flowers in his hand. _Flowers._ Hadn't they just been shooting each other dirty looks back on the Strip? When did he have the time to get flowers?

"Happy birthday," he said.

She blinked, stunned. "What?"

"Happy birthday," he repeated, slower this time, laughing.

Ashley rolled her eyes, sucking herself back into reality. "Yes, I got that. But...why?"

"It's your birthday," Shepard said. "And I'm fairly sure you know I like you. When someone likes someone else, they might want to do something for their birthday."

"Yeah, but—" She cut herself off, frowning. "Your birthday was a couple days ago."

He shrugged. "Eh. We were busy."

"That's not—"

He cut her off. "A Reaper is a perfectly valid excuse. Besides, I don't want anything." Shepard paused, and then corrected himself. "Actually, I want to give you these, if you'll take them." He wiggled his hand with the flowers in them and she laughed, running a hand down her face.

"What am I even supposed to do with them?"

He looked at his feet, embarrassed, and gave a nervous laugh. "Leave them here, maybe? And...uh...stay?"

Ashley outright laughed at the abrupt switch in moods, taking a few steps towards him until she could take the flowers. Shepard eyed her as she set them on the dresser, hands slowly coming up to her hips, and then ribs. She cocked her head, throwing her arms lazily around his neck, making a face like it was a difficult decision.

"Maybe I could be persuaded."


	103. Chapter 103

His hand smoothed out imagined ruffles in his suit jacket, on his thighs. Shepard didn't do parties. They were loud, crowded, and almost always a waste of his time. Even if they were charity events like this one, no. Or if he was going so he could track down someone trying to kill him, no.

And yet, here he was, dressed from head-to-toe in the suit Kasumi had thrown at him back when they were infiltrating Hock's party. Trakes had made some comment about it only ever getting used for illegal activities, and then Joker had chimed in with some horrible nickname suggestions. Shepard had tuned both of them out by then, but it didn't do much of anything to calm him down. He doubted anything would; he _really_ didn't want to go.

Brooks looked about as nervous and jittery as he felt. She was tittering around on her heels, pacing, wringing her hands together in a way not dissimilar to Tali. Briefly, she caught his gaze, and then immediately looked away. Shepard felt himself forcing an encouraging smile, but by the time he got it out, she was on the other side of the room again.

And then there was Ashley, standing calmly beside him, expression completely blank. Out of the three of them, she was the only one who looked even remotely fine with heading into the casino. He knew she didn't want to go; she had snapped off a storm when he told her the change of plans, that Liara would be sitting back and coordinating and she would be going inside with him and Brooks. She wasn't happy, but at least she was ready. It was more than Shepard could say of himself, or of Brooks.

"All right," Liara said, snapping him out of his thoughts. "The party starts in a half hour. We're going to go over the map again, in case any of you forget."

"I won't forget," Ashley said flatly.

The asari fixed her with a look, and then reverted her gaze to Shepard. "Be that as it may, neither Shepard or Brooks have that ability. So we're going to go over it _again._ " No complaints this time. Once satisfied, Liara pulled the casino's specs up over the table, and the four of them settled in around it. "The three of you will be entering here—" A gesture to the main door. "—and Brooks will be getting into the vents from here." Another gesture, practically to the same spot. "You two will head up into the building and mingle with the guests. All you have to do is blend in unless Brooks needs your help getting past defenses or cameras in the shaft. She'll open the panic room in the back of the casino for you, but you _have_ to be there when it opens. If Khan suspects anything is wrong, this plan is blown and we're back to square one."

"Simple enough," Shepard said, trying for confident.

Ashley snorted and Brooks gulped.

Liara passed a small box to Shepard. "Contacts. They'll allow you to follow electrical currents in the floors and walls."

He frowned as he flipped the cap open. "And why would I need these?"

"In case you need to find a power junction," Liara said quickly. She looked back to Ashley, fixing the most serious of stares on her, and Shepard almost laughed. "If he has to disable anything, you need to distract any guards."

One eyebrow went up and he had to look away to keep from laughing. "So that's why you have me dressed up like some sort of—"

"I was under the impression human men liked to stare."

Dead silence as three pairs of eyes turned to him. Staring. At Ashley.

Shepard coughed and looked away. "It's a nice dress," he mumbled.

She shot him a smirk, but he heard Liara clear her throat, heard the laugh in her voice.

Ashley groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose, and said, "I'm not doing this right now. I know what's going on and what I'm supposed to do; I'll be out in the foyer when you're ready to go."

Liara was too occupied making a face at the holographic map to argue and Shepard was too embarrassed. Brooks was just confused, but that wasn't a first, and likely wouldn't be the last time.

It was a while before Liara found the energy to talk again. "Anyway..."

"Anyway," he agreed.

"I've uploaded a hacking program to your omni-tool," Liara said. "It's a new one. The casino's security measures shouldn't be a problem; you'll just need the time to break in." He nodded, grateful for the subject change. "And one last thing—keep Khan alive. If he's smart, he'll wipe his hard drive so we can't find anything on it."

Shepard frowned. "He doesn't know we're coming, does he?"

"He does," Liara said flatly. "It's doubtful he knows when, but he knows we'll find him eventually. Just...keep him alive, all right? He might be useful later."

Another nod. "You got it."

"Garrus and James will be ready if you get caught. Just...don't get caught, okay?"

Yet another nod. Shepard smiled too, trying to be encouraging. "We won't. I have confidence in Ashley and in your shunt. It'll be fine."

Liara returned the smile. "No confidence in yourself, Commander?"

He scoffed. "I have the easy job. Stand there and break shit."

"Try not to be suspicious about it."

"Suspicious? It's not like everyone on the Citadel's seen my face, or my date's, over the last week and a half. Definitely not suspicious."

Liara rolled her eyes and sighed. "Don't be overly suspicious."

He grinned. "I'll do my best."

"That's all I'm asking."

Shepard jerked his head back into the front of the apartment. "Come on, Brooks. Couple of hours and this'll be over."

She nodded, quietly following him out of the dining room and through the kitchen. They hit the piano room, where Ashley was whispering heatedly with both Garrus and James, and Trakes was standing nearby. He nudged her when he spotted Shepard and Brooks, and when she immediately shut up, he frowned.

"Anything I should know about?" he asked casually, marching straight for the cluster of people.

Ashley nodded. "Later, though."

His brows furrowed, confused, but he accepted the answer, and gestured to the small purse she was carrying. "Didn't know you had one of those."

"Bet you didn't know I had a dress, either."

Trakes snorted, bemused, and Shepard shrugged sheepishly. "Well..."

"I'm carrying a gun, Shepard."

His face paled, and he looked to Trakes, but he just shrugged as well. "You know the guards will confiscate that immediately."

"And you know we're allowed to carry guns wherever the hell we please, right?" His mouth thinned into a line. "I'm not going to be beating people up if shit hits the fan. Not in a dress."

"Fine," he said. "Let's get this show on the road, then."

Without anything else, he turned and headed for the door. Brooks followed as quietly as ever, Ashley on her heels, with Garrus and James bringing up the rear. They piled into the elevator wordlessly, squished together in what most people would consider awkward. Shepard considered it fairly awkward; he had Brooks pressed into his ribs, the bandaged ones, and Ashley was glaring over his shoulder at the other woman.

He was just glad when the doors opened and allowed them out of the elevator. It wasn't as slow as the one on the _Normandy,_ thankfully. He wasn't sure how long he could handle being a pancake.

Garrus and James lead the three of them out and onto the street, towards a taxi. The turian hopped in the driver's seat, and he swore he heard Ashley sigh in relief. He scoffed again, rolling his eyes, and she smirked at him as they wedged into the back with Brooks. James sat in the passenger seat, glancing back at Shepard with a grin.

"You guys get to have all the fun," James said.

"I don't think it counts as fun if you're trying to catch the people trying to assassinate you," Shepard retorted.

He shrugged as Garrus started the vehicle. "More fun than waiting for something that might not even happen. I'd rather be running back to the ship with EDI."

"I'm just glad someone _is_ going back to the ship," he mumbled. "We're going to need guns."

"What makes you so sure of that?"

"He's worried we'll end up getting shot at again," Ashley said.

"And knowing Shepard, we will," Garrus finished.

The rest of the ride was relatively quiet, save the few times Vega attempted to start up another conversation. Both of those times, it was quickly ended by a comment from either Garrus or Ash, just like the first one. Shepard wasn't in the mood to talk, and from the way Brooks kept staring out the window, he doubted she was, either.

He leaned against his door, watching the various buildings and lights speed past. After defeating Saren, he didn't spend much time in the Wards until he was forced to join with Cerberus, for however brief of a time that had been. And during that time, he hadn't really stopped to see the sights, to see just how magnificent the Citadel truly was. It was one massive city, and he could _never_ get enough of any city. He wondered what it was like to grow up with a real ground beneath your feet, to never have any fear of some major system malfunctioning and killing everyone on your station.

The Citadel was still a space station, but it was...different. It really was a city in space; you could stand on the very bottom level of a Ward and look up, and see buildings go on forever. It wasn't like standing at the base of a rotunda in an Alliance station, where you'd only see a few floors, and then a ceiling. There was no ceiling on the Citadel, and that was probably the most fascinating part of it.

Ashley nudged him, snapping him out of his thoughts. "You okay?"

"Nervous," he admitted.

She smiled and reached for his hand, squeezing once. "Me too."

"We'll be across the street," Garrus said, interrupting. "And since you have pockets, I'll give this to you." He passed a small capsule back to Shepard. "Flip the switch and we'll come running. Liara was very specific to only do it if absolutely necessary."

"I'll be the judge of what's necessary or not," Shepard said. "She might be directing this mess, but this is still _my_ problem."

"It's everyone's problem," Ashley snapped. "An attack on you is an attack on all of us."

Up front, James and Garrus both laughed.

"I'm serious."

"All right, Serious," James said.

As the skycar pulled into view of the casino, Ashley gave his hand another squeeze, and Shepard said, "Be ready for anything. We're walking into an unknown here."

"It's a casino. Full of pretentious assholes. And we're trying to find the guy who sold weapons to a group of mercs that tried to kill you. Sounds pretty cut and dry to me."

Shepard huffed, rolling his eyes, and gave her an "are you kidding" look.

She scoffed.

Garrus parked them in front of the entrance, which was, unfortunately, crowded by attendees, guards, and far too many cameras for Shepard's liking. "Just give the signal if you need us. Otherwise, we'll see you in two hours."

"Two hours," Shepard repeated, nodding. His eyes closed as he inhaled deeply, preparing himself. "Okay." He let go of Ashley's hand so he could push the door open and hop out, only to turn back around and offer his hand again. Once she took it, he helped her out and she fell in on his right, like always, and folded her arm into his.

He glanced at her while Brooks crossed around to join them. The smile she gave him, it was more relieving than it should have been.

"Just focus on me, and on the door, and it'll be over before you know it," she whispered.

Shepard nodded, swallowing, and fixed his eyes firmly on the door. One step. Another. And another. He didn't look at the crowd, at any of the cameras. He didn't want the attention; he _loathed_ it. After Elysium, there were interviews and too much press for him. When the batarians we're finally dealt with, there was more attention again, this time for being awarded the Star of Terra. After becoming the first human Spectre, after defeating Saren, after destroying the Alpha Relay, now. Shepard was a very private man. His life was his business, and that was that. There were very few people he considered close enough to share personal details of his life with. His own mother wasn't even one of those people.

The next thing he knew, his arm was back on his side and his hand was being squeezed.

"We're inside," Ashley said, waving her free hand in front of his eyes. "You there, Shepard?"

He blinked, schooling his expression. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm good."

She didn't look entirely convinced, but Brooks launched into a brief, awkward, stumbling rant about how oddly intimidating the two of them looked, even dressed up and virutally incapable of doing much of anything. After Ashley made a snippy comment about them losing time, the officer scurried off to do her part, leaving them alone together.

"You sure you're okay?" Ashley whispered.

Shepard swallowed, but nodded. "I just don't deal well with cameras, y'know?" He waved his hand in front of his face. "I don't...like the attention. Makes me feel... I dunno... I just don't like it."

"Can you handle this?"

He nodded. "Of course I can. I don't have a problem talking to strangers. It's really just having my face plastered across the Citadel that bothers me."

Ashley made a face, but then she smiled. "Come on, then. Let's get this over with."

"Who knows? Maybe we'll actually have some fun," Shepard said, trying for optimistic but sounding more sarcastic than anything.

They started up the stairs, still hanging on each other, and she laughed. "Fun? You do remember why we're here, right?"

"I can't pretend I actually took you out for once?" he said, arching a quizzical brow.

"You take me to all the nice places," Ashley said.

"I do my best."

"Such a considerate..." She trailed off, at a loss for what to say, and then decided, "Man. Gentleman."

Shepard snorted a laugh as they stopped at the top of the staircase. "I haven't been called a gentleman in a while."

"I find that very hard to believe."

He just laughed again, casually scanning the crowds for a conversation they could drop in on. Of course, they could always just meander around. Someone would eventually drag them into a conversation of some sort, but it would definitely look suspicious, just as jumping straight into the thick of things would.

"Suggestions?" he whispered.

"Don't stop smiling, and don't take your eyes off me," she replied. "Laugh. Make it look like we're actually enjoying each other's company."

"So you're not enjoying my company?" Shepard asked, staring at her again with one brow raised.

She sighed, exasperated, and he chuckled. "Let me look for a good spot for us. I can smile and laugh when you do."

He didn't comment; this had been her thing for quite a while, and she seemed to know what she was doing. If it kept them from being dragged out back and shot, Shepard was all for it.

Ashley tugged on him, and he followed. They made their way toward what Shepard thought looked a little quieter. It wasn't like the casino was particularly loud, but it was crowded, and most of the people seemed to be centered around the entrance and the couches, lounging about with their friends. Back here, behind the quasar machines, it felt calmer.

"Better?" she asked, stopping him once they were alone as they could manage.

He frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Feel any less...overwhelmed?"

Shepard's frown deepened, but he nodded. "Yeah, a bit. How'd you know?"

Ashley made a face, one he didn't quite understand, as she said, "It's always a little overwhelming the first few times."

"Are you sure _you're_ not overwhelmed?" Shepard retorted.

"Yeah." She glanced over his shoulder, then leaned back around. "Contacts. Put 'em in before the guards get a good look at your face."

Another nod, a bit confused, but he fished the small case out of his pocket. He sighed, and then began the uncomfortable process of putting contacts in for the first time. He scooped one out, tilted his head back. Putting the lense in wasn't as hard as people implied, but it wasn't easy, either. It was irritating, that much was obvious. He didn't hesitate dropping it over his pupil, so it was probably less aggravating. Probably. Only if he was lucky.

Blinking furiously, he looked back down at Ashley, and she immediately frowned. "That's not conspicuous."

"What?"

She shook her head. "Nothing, just put the other one in. We're starting to get goofy looks."

Mentally shrugging it off, he stuck the other contact in with as much fuss and irritation as the first. He blinked some more, shifting the lense around until it was comfortable. "Okay?"

Ashley nodded. "If someone asks, you have implants. Light sensitivity."

Another frown, another exaggerated okay.

"Bar first," she decided. When he arched a questioning brow, she said, "That's where most people head first. There, or the ATMs."

He nodded. "I'll follow your lead, then."

She smirked. "That's why you brought me, isn't it? This is what I'm good at."

"Yeah," he said, scoffing. "I just didn't realize you had this down to a science."

"It's what I'm good at," she repeated, shrugging.

When they turned to make for the bar, Shepard stopped short. So. Many. Colors. They were _everywhere._ In the floor, the ceiling, the walls. Most were red or blue, with the occasional splash of yellow. It was beyond mind-blowing; it stopped him completely.

"What kind of contacts are these?" he whispered.

"Resonance emitters."

"What? English. I'm not...techy."

Ashley sighed. "It shows electrical currents."

He looked away again, taking everything in. "This really puts it into perspective."

"What?"

"Just how much we rely on electricity," Shepard said.

She laughed. "I could've told you."

He raised another brow. "You could have, but I never would've asked. I have other things to worry about."

"Like?"

She sounded genuinely curious, but he dismissed it. "I'll tell you—"

"Shepard?" Brooks interrupted. "I've...got a bit of a problem up here."

The pair exchanged glances, and he immediately shifted gears. It was surprisingly easy to forget they were here for a reason. "What's wrong?"

"Meet me upstairs."

"We're on our way."


	104. Chapter 104

**A/N** **: Yes hello, I'm not dead, but for how stressed and busy I've been for basically the last year, I feel a little dead. I haven't had any energy to write, but somehow here I am, after reading this entire thing almost twice now (I'm still going over this story; I wanna do myself justice with my writing).**

 **Just a heads-up, I'm most likely gonna stick with Ashley's POV for a bit, if not the rest of the story. It's what I'm seeing my best writing in personally, and I find her easier to write. I enjoy her character more than Shepard's. Besides, let's be real here, she's basically the main character of this story.**

 **But yes, an update! FINALLY!**

* * *

Was she surprised? No, not really, not if she was being honest with herself. Khan was dead, their one lead blown, and again, if she was being honest with herself, she was drained. Since Kaidan's death—Ashley still shuddered at the thought of his name—she had been forced into so many social interactions, and it was taking its toll on her. She needed a break, to just hide in her observation deck, where it was peaceful and calm.

Unfortunately for her, Ashley didn't expect that to be coming anytime soon.

She was sitting in Shepard's apartment with Trakes, one leg crossed over the other. He was leaned back on the couch and listening to the conversation in the kitchen; Shepard was with Garrus and Liara, discussing his plans versus their own ideas, while the rest of his team milled about, either snacking or relaxing or drinking, or all three.

Ashley was grateful it was relatively quiet. Not as quiet as she'd like, but quiet enough.

Her eyes trailed from Trakes towards the piano, where their latest addition was pacing anxiously back and forth. Brooks. This was the most animated Ashley had seen the woman, or at least, the most animated in a non-terrified sense. The officer seemed very skittish, spending most of the time in the casino _whispering_ to her and Shepard, even though there was no possible way any of the security personnel would've been able to hear her talking.

But regardless of her anxious disposition, something still seemed off about her to Ashley. It was oddly convenient she showed up when she did, wasn't it? To Ashley it was. A few of the others shared her concern, but the Commander seemed oblivious. He was grateful for her assistance, however little it was. Shepard was good at that, being oblivious.

And on top of it, Brooks just...rubbed her the wrong way. Everything about the way she acted sent warning bells off in Ashley's head, and it didn't sit well.

She inhaled deeply, drumming her fingers off the arm of her chair, and forced herself to look elsewhere. She could feel her blood pressure rising. This wasn't a good time to get anxious. This was, however, the perfect time to relax, and she needed to take advantage of it.

Ashley had no clue how she planned on doing that.

After some careful deliberation, she got to her feet and made for the stairs, jogging up them two at a time, until she reached the small balcony at the top. The bedroom and a bathroom, and various other rooms were situated up here, but she wasn't nosy enough to go poking around. She was alone, though, or as alone as she could get. Everyone else was downstairs.

She felt eyes on her back as she stared around the apartment. Ashley glanced back down, catching Trakes' quizzical look before he returned to his eavesdropping. She shrugged, headed around to a secluded lounge. It was even quieter here, almost complete silence.

Hopping onto the couch, she swung her legs over the side and over the arm, so they were dangling and she was lying on her back. It wasn't the most comfortable position, but it was better here. She felt oddly safe compared to how she felt with the others. Here, no one could give her odd looks for things she said or the way she acted, she could pretend the galaxy wasn't falling apart around them, and she could pretend it wasn't _their_ job to prevent it. No matter how brief that feeling was going to last, Ashley promised herself she was going to savor it.

She knew the taste of victory well, the mind-numbing euphoria when they succeeded at something that seemed so hopeless. This feeling was different. Immensely better, she could already feel the tension rolling off her shoulders.

Could she have fallen asleep on that couch? Most likely. She was even tempted to allow herself the nap, but her omni-tool chirped, and reluctantly, she forced her eyes open and her body into a sitting position.

It was a message. From her sister.

Ashley's heart dropped into her stomach. The last twenty-four hours of her life had been ridiculously hectic, and while that wasn't abnormal, but she had completely dismissed any thought other than finding the people who were trying to kill Shepard. Anything and everything else was pushed to the back of her mind, her own family included. She had forgotten she'd been having lunch with Sarah when Joker came up to her to explain the situation. She had forgotten Sarah _might_ be a little concerned with her well-being, especially after the pilot's colorful joke about her tendency to get shot.

She was asking if she was okay, if they were safe.

For several minutes, Ashley just stared at it. Only a few simple sentences, Sarah saying how it had been a bit and she was getting worried.

 _I don't know what I did to deserve my sisters._

A bitter taste rose in her mouth at the thought. Before this war with the Reapers, she'd had three sisters. Three somewhat estranged sisters and a mother, but family nonetheless. And now she had two sisters.

Part of her said she should be grateful for that, that she was luckier than most families. Some families had been ripped apart entirely and some had lost more than she had. Ashley still had Abby and Sarah and her mother. But Lynn, Ashley still wished she was still here. She mourned the loss of rekindling whatever relationship they had before Virmire, before Cerberus, before everything had started collapsing.

She swallowed, bit her tongue. Ashley could feel her eyes getting dangerously close to watering. She wasn't going to let herself cry. Not here, not now.

Ashley shot off a quick reply, trying to be as reassuring as possible without letting herself dwell on any dark thoughts. She had plenty without letting herself worry about her family. Ashley didn't necessarily know them anyway, and they still didn't know her. Not who she was now. She was a different person.

She tried swallowing again as she closed her omni-tool, feeling a lump form in her throat. She toed a dangerous line daily, trying to disassociate from her past in all the right places and trying to let the rest of it engulf her.

Her hands flexed over her knees as her eyes focused and unfocused, Ashley's desperate attempt to get a grip. Then again, every attempt she made to get a grip was typically desperate. When she didn't have a good grip on reality and herself, people tended to get hurt.

The sound of feet on the stairs put it into perspective for her. Ashley snapped herself into some sort of clear state, dropping her head on the back of the sofa and squeezing her eyes shut. She inhaled through her nose and strained her ears to listen to the footfalls. Light, but purposeful. They would belong to Liara. Whatever the asari wanted, Ashley hoped it wasn't her.

So naturally, it had to be.

"Ashley?"

She opened her eyes and got to her feet, meeting Liara halfway. "What's up?"

"Shepard's looking for you," she said.

Her mouth thinned into a line, but she nodded. Whatever he wanted from her, it probably wasn't going to be fun. He had been on edge all day. He had every right to be, but that didn't mean Ash had to enjoy it. She didn't expect him to enjoy it when she was feeling...off.

Wordlessly, Ash followed Liara back down to the others, quickly scanning the faces in the rooms for Shepard's. When he wasn't immediately visible, she hopped down the last few steps and headed into the kitchen. Even one glance at his fridge was enough to make her stomach growl. After a brief debate of riffling through what was sure to be a meager supply of snacks, she continued into the back. Not in the bedroom or the dining room.

Eventually she found him, sitting in a small room by himself. There was a table close by and a couch in the back. He was sitting at a small laptop terminal, back to her. His shoulders were hunched, and past him, Ashley could see brief flashes of light as he typed away.

She almost opened her mouth to say something, but he cut her off.

"One second."

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise, but she didn't comment. He heard her walking? That was a first. He must've gotten used to it.

Shepard let out an exhausted sigh, then turned in his chair.

"You good?" she asked.

He smirked, but his head fell into one of his hands. After a few seconds, he managed a nod. "Yeah, just tired."

"Yeah, it's been a long day," she commented.

Shepard glanced in her direction again. "I wanted to say thanks." She rose an eyebrow again, confused. "For earlier...and yesterday."

"You don't have to thank me."

"I do, though," he said. "I spend so much time saving everyone else's ass that I forget I'm not...incapable of needing my own ass saved sometimes."

Ashley shrugged. "It's not a big deal. You would've done the same for me."

This conversation was not going the way she expected it to.

"Still, thank you. I appreciate it."

"You're welcome." _I guess._

After a few seconds of silence, she dropped down in one of the vacant chairs and folded her arms over her chest, leaning forward to rest her elbows on the table. He was staring at the floor in an all-too-similar to Ashley fashion, and she cleared her throat.

"You sure you're all right?"

Shepard nodded. "I'm just thinking."

"About what?"

"Aren't I usually the one interrogating you?" he shot back, chuckling.

She laughed. "Usually, yeah."

He chuckled, but he didn't answer her question, so she figured it best to let it slide. Maybe he just wanted company while he sat, maybe he really did just want to thank her. Either way, Ashley didn't mind. She enjoyed his presence; he was relaxing to be around. She'd never tell him, but she felt surprisingly safe when he was around. Part of it was because Cerberus was afraid of him, and part of it was she cared for him. Mostly the latter; Ashley wasn't as afraid of Cerberus and the Illusive Man as she used to be.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked.

Ashley blinked, tearing her eyes away from her thumbs, and shot back, "Didn't I just ask _you_ the same question?" He just shrugged, and she decided maybe he wanted to hear her talk. "Dunno. Not really anything."

"That would be a first," he teased.

"I mean, not really. I'm good at not thinking."

Shepard laughed, and she allowed herself a small smile. "Fair enough."

She sighed and shifted to lean back, swinging her left knee over her right. "I was thinking about Cerberus. Just...the usual stuff, I guess."

"What's the usual stuff?"

Ashley shrugged as she felt herself start to zone out in the same way he just did. "You know. Just...anything. Nothing in particular. It's just...there, if that makes any sense." He nodded. She was briefly aware of him looking away as the sound of Wrex's roaring laughter reached her ears. The krogan had always been obnoxious, but it wasn't quite as obvious as it was now. It almost made her ears ring.

"Is it always there?" he asked softly.

"Cerberus?" Another nod. "Yeah."

It was hard to get them out of her head. She wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them, but at the same time, a lot of good people wouldn't be dead, either. She didn't think it was something to be grateful for.

"I was thinking about what you said before," Shepard started, "about the geth. Back when I was helping Legion with the...heretics."

She frowned. "Why's that?"

"Tali. She... I got a message earlier, while we were at the casino. The quarians are engaged in a full-on assault with the geth, and they're losing."

Ashley's voice caught in her throat.

"She didn't ask for our help, but..." He trailed off.

"But you think we should go help them."

He shrugged. "I don't think we should; I know we should. We need all the help we can get with the Reapers. This is their galaxy too. The quarians have to provide aid."

"They can't do that if they're at war with the geth."

"And they really can't if the geth blast them out of existence."

"What do you wanna do?" she asked.

Shepard inhaled deeply. "We're gonna deal with these assholes trying to kill me, and then we're heading to the Perseus Veil. I'm not letting the galaxy tear itself apart now."

"Y'know, with imminent destruction bearing down their doors, you'd think everyone would be a little nicer to each other."

Her head snapped around to the doorway. Trakes was leaning there, arms crossed.

"What is it?" Shepard said.

"EDI's been monitoring your files since this shit started, I guess, and she picked something up," he said. "Someone's tried using your Spectre code in the Archives."

Shepard frowned, looked to Ashley, and then back to Trakes. Ashley just made a face at him as he got up. "Does she know who? Is there surveillance footage?"

"Don't ask me," he said.

He sighed, running a hand down his face. "Get everyone in the dining room." Trakes nodded before heading back out front. Ashley got up to follow, but Shepard caught her arm. "Head back to the _Normandy._ Keep an eye on her."

She frowned. "What are you gonna do?"

"Head to the Archives and figure out what the fuck is going on," he said. Ashley started to protest, to say something about how she should go with him, but he interrupted her again. "I need someone I can trust to be on my ship. Make sure nothing out of the ordinary is going on over there. I'll keep you updated on what's going on at the Archives. I promise."

Ashley sighed. "Fine, I'll do it. Just be careful, all right?"

Shepard nodded. "Promise."

With that, he brushed past to join his team, leaving her there staring at her feet. After a few seconds, she followed him, but headed upstairs into the bedroom they were sharing. Her hardsuit was stowed away in his weapons cabinet, which was more or less an entire closet. She changed quickly, shoved her helmet under her arm, and stuck a sidearm into the clasp on her hip.

Satisfied, Ashley flipped her helmet onto her head. The display flared to life, numerous indicators popping up all over her visor. The status of her shields, how many thermal clips she was carrying.

As she opened her omni-tool, her eyes fell on the Spectre symbol peaking at her over the plate on her shoulder. Her throat tightened all over again and she tore her eyes away. Ashley shot a quick message to Traynor to meet her on the bridge in fifteen minutes, and then she was on her way.

Jogging down the steps three at a time, Ashley looked into the back as she passed the kitchen. Shepard briefly caught her gaze; he nodded, and Brooks looked in her direction. Knots twisted in Ashley's stomach. That woman set off so many alarms in her head.

She slapped the side of her helmet so the mouthpiece would close. Her visor blackened, and she headed out without a word.

Ashley had a bad feeling about this. Something was about to go wrong. But when didn't it?


	105. Chapter 105

"What's going on?" Traynor asked for what felt like the tenth time.

Ashley shook her head, running her hand through her hair. "Hell if I know. I don't think anyone really knows what's going on."

The comms specalist gripped the edges of her work station tightly enough her knuckles whitened. Anxious. Traynor was usually anxious about something, but from what Ashley had seen, she was actually getting herself together. She had handled the Reapers situation surprisingly well; she was shaping up to be a good marine. Then again, Ashley would be more surprised if Traynor _wasn't_ getting it together.

A galactic war had a tendency to put things into perspective for people. Or at least, it did for Ashley.

She paused in her pacing to flip open her omni-tool. She read over Shepard's last message again.

 _Long story, but we're after the guy._

That was a half hour ago. He hadn't answered her since. She was getting worried, but it was most likely for nothing. She hoped it was for nothing. She was waiting for the all clear message, that they caught the person trying to kill him, and that they could enjoy the remainder of their forced shore leave in peace.

Ashley huffed as her arm fell back to her side and resumed her pacing.

"I don't like this," she said.

"Why would Shepard send you back here?" Traynor asked.

Ashley shook her head. "Someone's using his codes, and there's a lot of sensitive material stored in the ship's database. They might come here. I don't know."

It felt like forever when an alert went off at Traynor's desk. Someone was trying to enter the _Normandy._

Traynor glanced at Ashley, but she held up a hand. "Bring up the footage first."

And sure as shit, it was Shepard.

Relief flooded her. He was okay, just being a flake and ignoring her. But he was okay, and she could forgive him for it.

The Commander was standing rather impatiently, looking back over his shoulders numerous times. Ashley frowned and leaned forward, saying, "Zoom in on him." Traynor made a face, but didn't comment, doing as ordered. Ashley's eyes narrowed, eyes scanning over him.

"Something's wrong?" Traynor asked.

She nodded. "That's not his hardsuit."

"But that's _him,_ " she said.

Ashley's frown deepened. Alarms were going off in her head, but she couldn't figure out why. That was definitely Shepard. He just...didn't look quite right. Something about him was wrong, aside from the hardsuit. She just couldn't put her finger on it.

He ran his access code through again.

"You want me to let him on board?" Traynor demanded. "I can't keep him out."

"Go to the airlock and let him in," Ashley said, taking Traynor's place at the desk. "And then get off the ship. Make up an excuse. Say your relief is coming. Anything. I'm putting the ship in lockdown."

Traynor frowned. "Why?"

"Because this is not... I just have a feeling, all right? Trust me on this, please."

Sighing, she stepped away. "Yes, ma'am."

While Traynor marched off for the airlock, Ashley brought up the command panel and punched in her Spectre code. She went through the authorization process as quickly as she could, and typed in the pass code. No one was getting on or off this ship without her say so; Spectre codes could only be cancelled out by the Council themselves.

Ashley was praying her gut was wrong on this one. If not, she was essentially stealing the _Normandy_ from her commanding officer. She doubted Shepard would blame her, but it wasn't a good thing to put on her resumé.

She heard the airlock hiss, and she snatched up her helmet, locking it into place the instant Shepard stepped onto the bridge. He had a pair of similarly uniformed men on his heels. They looked like the mercenaries from yesterday, and that's when she saw Brooks bringing up the rear. Another pair of mercenaries followed them inside several seconds later. Ashley's hand drifted towards her sidearm, only refusing to draw the weapon based on the fact Shepard was standing there.

"Are you the welcoming party I was warned about?" he asked.

That wasn't his voice. Well, it was, but it wasn't at the same time. Something about the tone, the way he said it, it was different.

The mercenaries levelled their guns on her, and she whipped her pistol out, taking a step back towards the elevator.

"I don't know what the hell is going on, or who you are, but this is _my_ ship, and I'm ordering you to get off it."

He chuckled. "I believe the _Normandy_ belongs to Commander Shepard."

"You're not Shepard," she snapped.

"Then who am I?" he retorted.

Ashley hesitated, grip slackening, despite how wrong the situation felt to her, how wrong "Shepard" felt.

Her omni-tool chirped. She spared it a glance, and then solidified her stance. A message from Shepard, when the man across the galaxy map hadn't even moved an inch.

"You're a clone."

His face contorted into an expression of rage, and before she had the chance to react, he leapt across the map in a flash. Electricity shot through her veins as he slammed into her mid-section, launching her back into the elevator. She fell to the floor, groaning, as pain split through her back and head.

She was struggling to get to her knees, ignoring his rant about how he was the real Shepard, when she heard his shotgun cock. At this short of a range, her shields wouldn't even stop a handgun.

Her training kicked in, and she shot to her feet, locking a hand around his wrist and throwing his gun away. His skin erupted in a flash of biotic light as he tried to overpower her, but her grip on him was like iron, and he was stuck.

Ashley brought her free hand back to try and punch him, but he caught her fist.

The clone leaned close, sneering. "You weren't good enough on Virmire. What makes you think you're good enough now?"

"You're an idiot if you think I haven't gotten past that."

She released him abruptly, allowing him to fall into his own momentum, and slipped away. Ashley buried her foot in his gut, putting enough force behind the kick to break bone. He collapsed with a cry of pain, but before she could make a move for a gun, he threw her again.

Ashley swore she could feel her veins buzzing.

Still trying to regain her bearings, she could hear him raving again. He was ordering his men to kill her.

She went to shove herself upright and run. She didn't know where she'd run to, but if there was one thing she was good at, it was running. The only person she'd seen outrun her was Kai Leng; none of these mercenaries would be catching her.

Glass. Shards of it were shaken off of her arms, shoulders, her back. She'd smashed a monitor. And if she had smashed a monitor...

Grabbing one of the supports for the floor, she swung herself under the metal grate onto her stomach. Only a few inches away was one of the maintenance hatches, covered up after the Alliance got its hands on the Cerberus-crafted SR-2. Bullets ricocheted off the floor where she had been only moments ago, and without further thought, Ashley flung it open and dropped herself inside.

She could still hear the faint pattering of gunshots spraying the floor as she controlled her descent. There was a ladder of course, but there wasn't time to take it down a moment ago, and the space was far too cramped for her to maneuver around onto it now.

Ashley sighed, leaning her head onto her shoulder to close her visor. Not even five minutes, and she could already feel her throat tightening. Closed spaces. They never sat well with her. At least with her visor shut, her hardsuit would attempt to regulate her breathing.

 _First exit,_ she promised herself. Then she promised herself to memorize the layout of the ship's vents when this was over. Ashley doubted she would ever need to come crawling through the ducts again, but she couldn't ever be sure of anything, and she would rather be safe than sorry. If she knew the system better, she could navigate herself to the closest hatch, instead of wandering until she came across one.

Time passed oddly when anxious. A few minutes could be hours, or hours could only be a few minutes. In all reality, she wasn't sure how long she was inching her way along before she came to another drop-off. And honestly, she didn't care. She could see the faintest hint of light coming up, and that was all she needed to head down.

Descending upside-down was not the most thrilling experience, but it worked. She punched the hatch open and dragged herself out, falling into some area of the ship rather ungracefully.

The fall was surprisingly high, several feet, probably close to six. It hurt her already aching shoulders and she groaned, rolling onto her side before pushing herself to her feet.

Her eyes locked on the pair of mercenaries that were staring at her. They were about as dumbfounded as she was, but they had guns. As soon as they got their wits about them, they raised them.

"Well, this is awkward."

The first one, she lunged for his weapon, slamming his assault rifle into his helmet. The ceramic and glass cracked, and she twisted behind him. His friend didn't shoot either of them, instead training his gun on her as she kicked her captive to the floor, unarmed.

At this range, one quick burst was enough to kill him. She finished his friend, then dropped the rifle and doubled over, panting.

The cargo hold. Somehow she'd managed to climb far enough to end up in the cargo hold.

Ashley let out a final puff of relief as she pulled off her helmet. She needed to breathe. She needed _fresh_ air, but that was in rather short supply in space.

Laughing once at her own joke, she made her way over to her locker. Her hand locked around her Vindicator before clipping it to her back. She barely spared a glance at the incendiary grenades; only an idiot would go throwing grenades onboard a ship. And while she had a streak of doing exceedingly stupid things, that would not be one of them.

Once she was finished, Ashley stepped over to the procurement console Cortez used to maintain the _Normandy's_ stock of supplies. It wasn't really made for video calls, but she could make it work. After punching in a few codes, mainly emergency access, she entered Shepard's ID and waited.

He answered almost immediately.

"Did you get my message?" he asked frantically.

Ashley held up her fingers and pinched. "About this late."

Shepard's head fell as he let out a sigh of defeat. "Dammit. I was hoping we got out in time."

"Out of what?" she asked.

He shook his head. "I'll tell you later. What's going on over there?"

"Well, I'm gonna assume you messaged me about your clone," she said. He frowned, starting to say something about how she hadn't actually read it, but she cut him off. "He's got control of the ship, but I have it locked down. He can't go anywhere."

"He's got my Spectre codes, Ash," Shepard said.

She nodded. "I figured that out when he tried to use them to get on the ship. Luckily for you, we're the same rank, and you technically can't get around my code with yours."

"Technically?"

"That'll last for about...probably another five minutes," someone off-screen—Liara, it sounded like—said. "Once the database updates, he can override what he likes with his handprint."

"Since when was that a thing?" Ashley demanded.

Shepard waved her comment aside. "Doesn't matter. Where are you? Where's the clone?"

"I'm in the cargo hold," she said. "Your clone is probably worrying about his broken ribs on the bridge. That's the last place I saw him."

Shepard nodded. "Good, stay there. We're on our way. Maybe five minutes, if we don't have to kill any of his mercenaries on the way in."

"The ship is on lockdown, Commander," Ashley said. "And if he's altered the Council's copy of your file somehow, you can't get onboard. As far as the _Normandy_ is concerned, he's Commander Shepard, not you."

"We'll get onboard," Shepard said resolutely.

"And just how do you plan on doing that?" she demanded.

He smirked. "You'll see."

Before she could say anything else, he hung up.

It sounded like he had a plan, so Ashley tried not to worry. They were close, only a few minutes away, depending on the levels of resistance outside the ship. She wouldn't be stuck there for long, but the clone had to have people combing the decks for her. He'd be stupid not to. She would just have to stay hidden until Shepard got there.

* * *

It wasn't a long wait, as expected. The elevator door opened as it usually did, and Shepard stepped off.

She froze in place, ducked behind the shuttle. That was the clone, not Shepard, with Brooks hot on his heels. The clone was obviously in pain, arm slung over his abdomen as he staggered towards the lockers. Brooks trailed behind, some sort of off-brand rifle in hand. She wandered a few steps in Ashley's direction, eyes roaming over the deck, and she spun back into cover. Had the clone not also inherited Shepard's biotics, Ashley might've decided to try her luck with fighting them. But he was, and her ears were still ringing from him throwing her around.

Once Brooks had managed to roam her way towards the bay doors, Ashley took the opportunity to wriggle herself beneath the shuttle. It was a better hiding place than any.

 _Claustrophobic and somehow I always end up in small spaces,_ she thought, suppressing the urge to sigh. Only a few more minutes probably. Hopefully. She wasn't too keen on the idea of being stuck down here with these people for long.

There wasn't a way for her to turn around easily, not without banging around. Instead, she settled in place to wait, focusing her ears on listening for the elevator, or for footsteps getting too close. And while she waited, Ashley twisted her head to keep an eye on the clone. He was standing by the lockers, stripping out of his hardsuit. He mumbled something about it being junk now. A smug smirk crossed her lips; she must've cracked the ceramic.

Ashley eased her head down onto the floor, closing her eyes, and inhaled deeply. This would most likely be her only chance to catch her breath. Shepard was coming and he was going to kick his clone's ass. She would need to be ready for that. He was a biotic, and from what little she had been exposed to, a skilled one at that. The very worst she was aware of Shepard's team facing was the occasional asari when they were trying to stop Saren. There had been a few when they were fighting the Collectors, but Shepard had typically engaged them himself while the rest had worried about their backup. Down here, it was just them, the clone, and Brooks. It wasn't going to end well for anyone.

If whomever he had with him got out of this without a broken bone, Ashley would be impressed.

She heard a hiss. Craning her head to the side again, she caught a peek of the elevator door opening. Shepard.

Not wanting to waste another second, she dragged herself out from under the shuttle and bounced to her feet. Someone's shotgun went off not a second later, followed by a quick burst from an assault rifle. Her shields took a hit, taking them down to half capacity. There wasn't a decision; she instinctively knew she was quicker on the draw with her pistol, and she whipped it out, firing a pair of rounds in the general direction of Brooks. She caught a flash of movement as the woman ducked into cover and Ashley took the opportunity to get behind the shuttle. After swapping out for her battle rifle, she moved around the other end, peeking her head out towards the gunfire.

Liara. Garrus. She wasn't surprised to see either of them. Both of them were behind the two small desks in front of the elevator. A bang told her Shepard was somewhere fighting the clone.

She moved back towards Garrus, the closest of the two, taking cover behind a support strut. Another bullet bit through her shields further, but Garrus and Liara both returned fire. Brooks was hidden somewhere again before Ashley could even look. Another beat, and she was behind the desk with the turian. She caught a glance of both versions of Shepard trying to pulverize the other with a quick flare of their biotics; she almost froze on the spot.

"Is he wearing Shepard's armor?"

Garrus' response was lost in the sound of a body slamming into their hiding spot. They both jumped at the opportunity; Garrus looked further back for Brooks, but Ash fired on the clone as Shepard leapt back into it.

The clone was wearing a black set of N7 armor, the stock color from what Ashley understood. Shepard's own hardsuit was a deep blue at the moment, though how she remembered that, or could even tell the difference, was beyond her.

Brooks fired again, forgoing Garrus to aim for Ashley's head. The round snapped off with a thud, and the alarm in her helmet went off. She switched targets just as Brooks moved yet again, but this time, her last burst connected. She could see the flash of her protective barrier as they both moved back into cover.

Ashley couldn't help thinking how ridiculous this entire situation was.


End file.
